Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DOCK or DOC at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 30, 2021)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DOCK or DOC at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LIMBS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LIMB-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on October 31, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 30, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my DOCK or DOC-rhyme limerick:
Laryngitis was getting his goat,
So he went to a doctor of note.
“I’ve a hunch,” said the doc,
“That you talk round the clock.”
Said his patient, “Don’t jump down my throat.”
And here’s my LIMB-themed limerick:
A man with an arm in a sling
Had recently injured his wing.
He wistfully said,
“My Frisbee arm’s dead…”
Then headed for one final fling.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Arm Humor, Competition Limerick, Doctor Humor, Doctor Limericks, Frisbee, Laryngitis, Laryngitis Humor, Leg Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Medical Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Throat Humor, Throat Limerick, Writing Prompts
I’m writing, and hit on a block.
The medical doc, would just baulk.
There’s no capsule or pill,
That justifies bill.
Not financing boat at his dock.
Her new doctor sure looked like a jock.
So muscular! wow, what a shock!
She deciphered the script.
And thoroughly flipped.
Then left, thinking, “He ain’t no doc”.
Want physique of a friend, her name’s Meg.
Had a body of a barrel or keg.
But now she happily struts.
While my workouts in ruts.
And a trainer’s an arm and a leg.
“I Get No Respect”
Mama said, “Have “respect” , never mock
A schlub who’s as dumb as a rock”.
Although Vinny Bambutz
Was truly a putz,
He was still Rodney Dangerfield’s doc.
Want figure of friend, her name’s Meg.
Had a belly, and drank from a keg.
Now she happily trim.
I’m lost at the gym.
And a trainer’s an arm and a leg.
Receiving a call from my doc,
My frail body trembled with shock;
“You’re healthy my dear,
You’ve nothing to fear;”
I grimaced and cried “What a crock!”
Impervious she was to shock,
She welcomed a call from her doc;
“You have nothing to fear,
You are healthy my dear;
But maybe it’s time to take stock!”
What’s Up Doc?
“In the past, I was one real cool jock.
But lately, I feel like a rock.
I’m so full of strife.
Got a frustrated wife.
To tell you the truth, nothin’s up doc”
Limbs “Lady Liberty Speaks Out”
“I came to New Joisey un-willin-ly.
And yikes! It has never been thrillin’ me.
All youse tired and poor!
I don’t want you no more!
Can’t take it! My arm is just killin’ me.”
Almost the same, but this time using “limbs” and “doc”
“Lady Liberty Speaks Out”
I came to New Joisey un-willin-ly
And yikes! it has never been thrillin’ me
Gotta get off this rock.
Oh, please help me, doc.
Can’t take it! My arm is just killin’ me.
In the average appointment with Doc,
She is constantly checking the clock.
Her schedule is strained.
I’m feeling so drained.
Like account in the bank, what a crock.
There once was a top Covid doc
Who said anti-vaxxers though eager to squawk
Were quite incorrect in,
Saying ivermectin,
Was not just a right-wing crock.
Anti-vaxxers who risk life and limb,
By following what’s not but a whim,
And those Fauci haters
On ventilators
May live but their chances are slim.
Out at sea and quite far from a dock,
The huge waves made the ship tilt and rock;
My concert began
According to plan,
But I would not dare play any Bach!*
*Pronounce Bach not quite correctly!
The only seat for the Doc
was in the rear by the clock
I was right on time
but sure I’d wait in line
listening to the tic tock
Theme: limb
Trees have branches
leaves fall in bunches
those out on the ends
go first with the winds
picked up last my hunch is
“You’re a head-shrink’?” “I am.” “It’s my cock.
He has taken to wearing a frock.”
“Yes, I see. Does he mince?”
“Oh, he does! Makes me wince.”
“My advice is, accept it and dock.”
Limbs
Mary Bitchson’s exceedingly smart.
Yet her legs are what captured my heart.
But I’ll never get screwed,
Cuz she’s such a damn prude
That she pinioned them, so they won’t part.
He limped off the boat at the dock.
He acted like he was in shock.
It’s looking grim
He injured a limb.
It’s time for a trip to the Doc.
Which physician, resistant to shock,
Who’s been hewn from the toughest of stock,
Always haggles with ease
About raising his fees?
That old Hickory Dicker-y Doc.
A shop sold used limbs by the door.
Some thought it would be too much gore.
It might be a flop
For they named the shop
The Second Hand second hand store.
Some bears steal food from some farms.
Farmers have sounded alarms.
Quick arms are their edge,
They’re not a privilege.
Bears, have the right to bear arms.
An imposing fine figure, my doc,
He is thorough and caring – my rock;
When those five words I hear –
“Come see me next year,”
I think “Whew, not yet time to take stock!”
I had a dream, here’s how it went.
A feline, was then soon present.
My dream then gets dumb,
Cat limbs, I had some.
I had two paws for a moment.
Oldies But Goodies: Bill Haley And His Comets: “Rock Around The Clock”
Eddie Hodges: “I’m Gonna Knock On Your Door”
(anyone out there remember?)
Handsome Eddie would give me a knock.
Then we’d go and just rock ’round the clock.
But now if I tried,
I’d slip and I’d slide.
And the medics would dash me to “Doc”.
His wife frowned at the size of his cock,
So the man had his life all amok.
He said, still undaunted,
“Ten inches are wanted.
So remove seven inches, please, Doc.”
Oh No! My dear “hubby’s” in shock!
Gotta rush to the phone and call “Doc”
The nurse said, “Okay,
Though he’s booked for the day.
But our hearse will be here 3 o’clock”
Another Way Of Putting It:
Oh No! My dear hubby’s in shock!
Gotta rush to the phone and call “Doc”
“He’s booked” said the nurse,
“But how ’bout our hearse?
It arrives ev’ry day 3 o’clock”
The limbs with their fingers and toes.
I tallied, recording all those.
Two elbows, two knees,
I’m counting with ease.
Then encountered two heads, and I froze.
We’ve All Been There!
This story won’t come as a shock:
Your appointment today’s 3o’clock.
You’re on time, then you wait.
And you’d sure love to state,
“Gee, I’m just not ready for YOU, doc.”
He was lonely and bored, wanted care.
Solitaire with his cards, made him swear.
“Enough,” said the Doc.
Down the aisle he walked.
“The best solitaire is to wear.”
They said: If you wait on this dock
You’ll see turtles, both real ones and mock,
And a few minutes later
You may see a gator,
Or was what they told me a croc?
I cooked asian food in my wok
Using two kinds of choy – pak and bok –
And some mushrooms I found
In the woods on the ground,
Now I’m dying to talk to my doc.
He purchased the candy and she,
Then tied with a tag and you’ll see.
“With your teeth I’m your Doc.
This candy’s like caulk.
You enjoy, as will we, guarantee”
The defendant did soon leave the court
With a laugh and a sneer and a snort.
As he had predicted,
He was not convicted.
The long arm of the law was too short.
Why brass hands will be stocked on a dock
The grave answer may give you a shock
If on ships, while on deck
Called to arms, a crushed neck
The green parrot knocked out needs a doc.
to be authentic: Harms Road, (here in Illinois) is in a town called Skokie and runs through to Chicago. However I have made up the name of the grocery store for the limerick rhyme. “Limbs”
“Have you bought any food at “Whole Farms?”
“It’s right down the street, South of Harms.
It’s completely germ-free.
And wait till you see
All the hair on the check-out girls’ arms.”
Limbs
Ooh, Baby, I sure love your rack.
Love to feel them each night in the sack.
And your legs, please don’t shave.
All that hair I just crave.
It’s just perfect for scratchin’ my back.
I would not go out on a limb,
To put the blame squarely on him;
They embraced on the dock,
And he slipped on the rock;
Then all sparkling she slipped and fell in!
A man went to go see the doc,
said depression had left him in shock.
Doc said, “Clown Pagliacci go see!”
Man said, “Pagliacci, that’s me!”
Then Doc said, “Well, I guess we’re both foc’ed!”
You stand to be judged in my dock
For indecently flashing your cock.
While I’m not a condoner
Of pervs with boner
I DO like the style of your frock.
There was an Old Man of th’ Abruzzi,
Who had a young daughter named Lucy.
One day down at the dock
The wind blew up her frock
And showed us what only a few see.
When nettle stings made me go red,
“I’ll rub these leaves on,” said young Ed.
“The plant’s called a dock
And they’ll deaden the shock.”
But he’d picked poison ivy instead …
“Hydrocephalus,” said an old Dane,
“Is a head full of water and pain.
To drain it, a doc
Transplanted my cock.
But now I have sex on the brain.”
We have a young son name of Jim.
He said, “I’ve a large phantom limb.
At night it comes out
And I wave it about.”
We worry a lot about him.
Dave’s an unusual type of a Doc.
It’s the movie-like Mafia talk.
And could tell by his ‘scripts,
He handed on slips.
“Take the cannoli and walk.”
Lost my laptop, my job — I’m in hock.
Even Hightail, my dog, took a walk.
My canoe’s in the slough,
And my paycheck’s gone, too.
Now I haven’t one thing left to dock.
Each time that he jumps off the dock
To swim in the lake, it’s a shock.
The water’s so chilly
It withers his w—y
Or he’d say, compresses his c-ck.
Said a clown to his shrink, “I’ve a block,
And sound fuddier each time I talk.”
Urged the psych with a poke,
“So then let’s hear a joke.”
“Okay!” Cried the comic, “Doc Doc…”
I found out that my “hubby’s” a slime.
And committing a loyalty crime.
Seems he strips, then gets dressed.
All day long and so stressed.
(Heard his puts 2 legs in at one time.)
Correction of Above Limerick: “Cheating”
I found out that my husband’s a slime.
He’s committing a “loyalty crime”
Heard he strips, then gets dressed
All day long, and so stressed
That he puts 2 legs in at one time.
“The Only Store Of Its Kind In The World”
The Octopus, Seawater Charms
Splashed his way to “Emporium Farms”
He was fine’ly ashore
At the “Multi-Limb Store”
And bought a real chic coat of arms.
An old Paddle-boat hand bored with steaming
Thought he’d ‘hot-up’ the craft (with some scheming).
It shot from the dock
Like a jet-propelled rock,
With both whistles and passengers screaming.
Replaces October 18. 10am (L4)
You stand to be judged in my dock
For indecently flashing your cock.
While I’m not a condoner
Of pervs with a boner
I DO like the style of your frock.
What’s worse than a very small cock?
And not for one moment a jock?
It’s financial suspicion
with firm repetition
That’s put Donald Trump in the dock.
rewrite
Dave’s an unusual sort of a doc.
It’s the movie-like Mafia talk.
And what’s written on slips,
when he hands out his ‘scripts.
“Take the cannoli and walk.”
rewrite mistake
Seems David’s unusual Doc.
It’s the movie-like Mafia talk.
And what’s written on slips,
When he hands out his ‘scripts.
“Just take the cannoli and walk.”
Covid 19 (limbs)
For the last two darn years, it’s been rough.
We’re frightened, yet try to act tough.
We hope it ends soon,
And we’ll all be immune.
“At Arm’s Length” is now not enough.
I need help! What’s gone wrong with me, doc?
My cock used to get hard as a rock!
But now, much as I rub,
It stays soft, a lame stub–
And the girls are beginning to talk.
I prefer that not all the world see
Every limb of my family tree
Because not too far out
You’ll find many a lout.
(In fact, one is my dad – first degree.)
His pet parrot developed a lurch, –
The result of its most recent search.
Found a liquor most rare
By his master’s arm-chair
Then got legless and fell off his perch.
With my grasp of Dendrology slim
(I took “Study of Trees” on a whim),
I ask please don’t kvetch,
Or declare it a stretch,
When I label this lim’rick a lim.
‘ Took his bride to their bed with slow pace
No more footloose, – but drunken embrace.
She knew in her calmness
he was legless but ’armless
Then she found his third ‘leg’ in her face.
Limbs
Always have a real sexy girl handy.
It will sure make you feel fine and dandy.
Find a cute stuck-up brat.
It’s $2 tits for a tat.
And the bonus is tasty arm candy.
Poisonous To Dogs
Spot’s chances were terribly slim.
Cuz he suddenly had a sad whim.
The toad in the tree
Was lethal, and he
Had surely barked up the wrong limb.
She’s “Hollywood’s favorite Doc.”
All the stars use her office, they flock.
With snipping and sucking,
The fat, that is fluxing.
There’s no ageing, regardless of clock.
“That Old Black Bag” (Ahh, yes, I remember it well)
In the “olden days”, when you were ill,
Of course, it still wasn’t a thrill.
But your “family doc”
Lived just ’round the block.
You said, “Ahh”, then he gave mom the bill.
Sid and his spouse are both Docs.
The hospital’s close, a few blocks.
So they walk, she has passion,
With footwear in fashion.
At work it is socks with her Crocs.
2021 socks and Crocs big fad
Those hookers, I always desired.
We’d go at it till I perspired.
They’d wait by the dock.
I’d be hard as a rock.
Now the fun is gone: “Masks Are Required”
It IS true that toads are poisonous to dogs.
This is a correction of my limerick from today at 1:07 PM
Our doggie, we named Mr. Jim
One day had a very sad whim.
He didn’t foresee
The toad in the tree.
Alas, Jim barked up the wrong limb.
My limbs are quite fragile I get.
Broken foot with a cast I regret.
So fat I should cower
But can take a shower
Without my foot getting wet.
A one legged pirate from Sim.
Stole some ones prosthetic limb.
He took of his peg
Strapped on the leg,
and walked away whistling a hymn.
We all know a dolphin can swim.
Has fins instead of a limb.
Some just can’t handle
That he is a mammal,
There’s just something fishy ’bout him.
Lawsuit Gone Wrong: Limbs
Came in limping, and favored the right.
Case was closed and the settlement tight.
Later, favored the left,
Claimed he’s “no longer deft”
Back to court, cuz this jerk ain’t real bright.
He died in his bed last night late
While trying to first masturbate.
It was a great shock.
I was told by his doc:
“It must have been something he ate.”
His brachium, (pardon my latin),
Had muscles that really could flatten
With one single blow
The most dangerous foe.
“King Kong, come on back. Save Manhattan!”
The Mayflower once tried to dock
In Provincetown, surely ad hoc.
But in Plymouth they found
More promising ground.
But how did they dock on that rock?
There was an old man we call Doc
Who liked to give people a shock.
He took off his clothes
For reasons he knows,
And said don’t stand there and gawk.
The Venus de Milo is charming,
But some think it’s rather alarming.
Beneath shoulders she lacks
Any limbs, so attacks
Are made that the statue’s disarming.
The First Garden?
In a tree, as serene as a chapel,
As the sun on its leaves paints a dapple,
A lone man on a limb
Hears a girl call to him —
“Hey, Stupid-head, bring me an apple!”
The nod came from the head cop, to hand it
To the arm of the law that had planned it.
The SWAT team soon legged it
To the crime scene (then pegged it)
And arrested a rogue one-armed bandit.
“Dr. Ortho’s Diagnosis” (Limbs)
“No more dancing! Your tibia snapped!
It’s amazing how people adapt!
In my estimation,
The best explanation
It snapped at the moment you tapped.”
A “blue” bird spoke to his doc.
His sore wing put him in shock.
The doctor said maybe
Your just a crybaby.
Try to keep up with your flock.
Correction to Oct 20 9:08 entry.
A one legged pirate from Sim.
Stole someone’s prosthetic limb.
He took off his peg
strapped on the leg,
and walked away whistling a hymn.
“Yearly Check-Up: A Dialogue”
“As usual John, you’re okay.
Goodbye, have a wonderful day.”
“Just one question, Doc:
Since I come from good stock,
Then why in the hell must I pay?”
That Wonderful and Exciting Colonoscopy
That “day before” drink looked real cheesy.
And that made me feel very queasy.
The next day, I said, “Doc
That prep made me rock.
I’ll never speak well of “Shiteasy”
Those Barrel of Monkeys, no charm.
For people could trip and cause harm
They’re scattered on chairs,
and ascending the stairs.
Arm and in Arm and in arm.
One morning, I woke up in fear.
I heard “ringing”, so loud and so clear.
I rushed to the Doc
He said, “Don’t be in shock:
An alarm clock is stuck in your ear.”
The Executioner’s tale
His new Guillotine’s gone to his head,
Cost an arm and a leg (so he said).
He expected a cut
But the price was cranked up,
Now he’s still very much in the red.
Replaces previous. Oct 21. 3.43am. (Can’t believe I thought L3 & 4 rhymed)
The Executioner
His new Guillotine’s gone to his head, –
Cost an arm and a leg (so he said).
He expected a slice
To be cut off the price,
Now he’s still very much in the red.
For kicking an old lady seated,
He was jailed until punishment meted.
“You will Not lose your head
but instead” (the judge said)
“On the guillotine we’ll see you de-feeted”.
The Barrel of Monkeys, caused harm,
A torment to mom, an alarm.
She calls on the Doc.
He said, ” Come and let’s walk.”
So she babbles while arm and in arm.
A Tragedy In Dover, New Jersey, (Morris County)
I’m mis’rable; my name is Rover.
I hail from that heartless town, Dover.
I hate my “vet” doc.
I was one bonking jock.
He undid me; my love life is over.
They said she went out on a limb;
Predicted her chances were slim.
Since “they” were all males,
This is one of those tales
With a “her” outperforming a “him”.
“The Waiting Room”
You’re sick from an undercooked meal.
The waiting room hasn’t appeal.
Those weird abstracts just shock.
You must ask the doc,
“Do they illustrate how patients feel?”
The sea park has many a gator.
Watching them couldn’t be greater.
To swim on a whim
Could cost you a limb
And you can’t blame the gator much later.
Politics is a bird on a fling.
It needs all its parts for to sing.
Our social tethers
Will ruffle feathers
On both the left and right wing.
His old axe severed many a limb
So new guillotine sought on a whim.
Salesman Demo’d the slice
Axeman tripped the device,
Which he stole, after burying him.
Replaces oct 21. 9.09am
For kicking an old lady seated,
He was jailed until punishment meted.
“You will Not lose your head
but instead” (the judge said)
“On the guillotine you’ll be de-feeted”.
At “Senior Place” all of us rock!
Just as long it’s before eight o’clock.
Uh? What’d I just say?
(Better get on my way)
To see that hot Memory Doc.
Better: “Mildred Says”
At “Senior Place” we sure do rock!
Yet, still get to bed eight o’clock.
Uh? What’d I just say?
(Better get on my way)
To see that hot Memory Doc.
She thought, “He’s a dapper old bloke.
So smart, and oh boy can he joke.
The Bach and the Doc,
And moonlight to walk.
Just hope that this Brit’s not baroque.”
“This Week’s Special”
Dad was shot. Lost his legs. Had the blues.
But he smiled when he read last week’s news:
“Here At “Wooden Leg Mart”
“Come Today, If You’re Smart
Buy The Legs, And We’ll Throw In Shoes.”
OOPS! “This Week’s Special”
Dad was shot. Lost his legs. Had the blues.
But he smiled, when he read last week’s news:
“Here at “Wooden Leg Mart”
“Come today, if you’re smart.
Buy the legs and we’ll throw in the shoes.”
Ms. Venus de Milo has charms
In spite of her missing her arms.
But how did she lose them?
Did she once abuse them?
A thought that still truly alarms.
There once was a timorous geek,
Whose constant demeanor was meek.
His belly was big.
He looked like a pig,
And his brachial appendage was weak.
I tripped on a simple tent peg:
Broke ankle and wrist, now I beg
For your limberick vote
For this punchline I wrote –
Coz it’s cost me an arm and a leg!
To the mafia dealers, in hock
I’ve become, for my chemical stock.
For treating this habit
I fear I’ll inhabit
The watery spelling for doc …
Sorry Mad, please delete Oct 22. 7.53am (replace with This)
I wrote these 3 limericks earlier Today, while resting after cataract surgery. They represent chunks of my life over the previous 8 months, except Yentl is a convenient rhyme word (though I do play in a community band). They are intended as 3 Lim’s, – actually 2 Docs and 1 Limb, not necessarily a 3-verser.
My Eye problem’s driving me crazy, –
Eye can’t tell a rose from a daisy
“I can see”, – said the doc.
“Cataracts are the crock
And they clearly explain why you’re hazy.”
Playing music is driving me mental
Sharps and flats look the same accidental.
I agree with you doc, –
Cataracts are a crock,
And next week I have solos in Yentl.
Cataracts have been causing me rage.
Can’t play notes floating past on the page:
My eyes say “what’s that!”
As my fingers guess “Flat”
But it’s Natural (I guess) at my age.
************
from Mad:
Cataract surgery in both eyes three years ago was a life saver for me. I wish you a speedy recovery and the same level of success as I experienced.
Had referral, installing of planks.
But discovered through hammering clanks.
With your teeth, he’s your doc,
Has braces in stock.
And everything lined up, so thanks!
So laughable, boy, what a crock.
I awakened but still was in shock.
The “plot” was a phone.
My mind was just blown.
I dreamed that I spoke to my doc.
“Specialty Gone Too Far” (Limbs)
My leg muscles feel much too tight.
But 2 doctors? That gives me a fright!
Yet because I’m not deft,
I see one for the left.
Then another doc, just for the right.
The coxswain’s command, then we walk
Our rowing shell out to the dock.
On seats that will slide,
We can make that boat glide
By rolling without any rock.
Her boyfriend got down on one knee
It sure was a fine sight to see
He looked up at the sky
And then told her why
“In my sock there’s a troublesome flea”
Lost my leg, but I still do the bop.
Dance around, till I’m ready to plop.
And when in the mood,
For some real tasty food
Not a problem, I go to “IHop”
Lost my leg, and I must take it slow. (limbs)
I like games, and I’m almost a pro.
My great skill at chess
Often brings me success.
Plus, I tic, and I tac, but can’t toe.
Mad: The word “limbs” in the above limerick wasn’t supposed to be at the end of the first line. I typed it in as my “title” but it didn’t come out that way.
(today at 9:15 PM)
Thank You
(sorry) Let’s try this again with “leg” as a plural, which makes more sense anyway.
Lost my legs, so I must take it slow.
I like games, and I’m almost a pro.
My great skill at chess
Often brings me success.
Plus, I tic, and I tac, but can’t toe.
Goodknee, Badknee, Boney Noknee ~
My better knee now makes a sound
that startles the folks all around,
not because of the noise
but the way it deploys
a quick trip down the stairs sans rebound.
I had opened a vintage Medoc;
My first glass was a terrible shock.
My precious old red
Was a fraud, for instead,
It was nothing but watery hock!
“I’m assured it was done on a whim.
Surgeon barber – just lopped off a limb.”
“He can sew it back on?”
“Says, he can’t sir. It’s gone …
And I only went in for a trim.”
Said Adam, “Lord, be a good egg
And give me a woman, I beg.”
God replied, “I can try,
But the price will be high –
She will cost you an arm and a leg”
“Well, I don’t need some posh memsahib,
And she mustn’t support Women’s Lib.
But I just can’t afford
To lose two limbs, dear Lord,
So what could I get for a rib?”
(Double)
“She was wearing a short, sexy frock,”
Said the prisoner who stood in the dock,
“Showing breasts, bum and legs
Of the kind that just begs
To be fucked, so I showed her my cock.”
(Did someone recently suggest that Mad is a prude?)
Even though there was plenty of snow,
This jerk was still driving too slow.
With my arm in a sling,
I had limited swing.
Went to plan B, and gave him the toe.
The tree was in need of a trim,
But the gardener was terribly dim.
The branch must be lopped,
So he sawed it – then dropped
Like a stone. He’d gone out on a limb!
My “hubby” was hurt in a crash.
Both his arms have a very deep gash.
He’s such a nice guy.
All day long I just cry.
Cuz who’s gonna take out the trash?
Want a lim about limbs? Here you are.
She has legs like a hot movie star,
Firmly muscled and tanned.
Oh, I bet they’d feel grand
Wrapped around me (no luck there so far).
To repair misalignment of jaw.
Went searching for surgeon and saw,
A guy of good stock,
Though a dandy this doc.
Just gapes at reflection in awe.
An annoyed, anti-Freud kind of Doc,
Said my Oedipus Complex was schlock.
“You’ll never get happy
By marrying Pappy.
This fixation is pure poppycock!”
(Also double duty?)
Scored the shot, – came down hard (the poor fellow)
They suspected ‘Concussed’ (he looked mellow)
“Pass this test” said the Doc
“Count the hands on that clock”
So the Star stared real hard and said…“Yellow?”
A Tyrannosaurus called Rex
Had a problem that caused him to vex.
His arms were so small,
They were no use at all
When indulging in dinosaur sex.
I had to return my pet starfish,
It was truly a well below par fish.
It had met with some harm
And had only one arm
Out of five, which is not even halfish.
Snapped a turtle I met near a dock,
Who’d learned slowly but surely to talk,
“With respects to our necks,
And our soups, I suspects,
You guys always find something to mock!”
“Senior Push-Ups”
It doesn’t sound very enthralling,
But “seniors” routinely are crawling.
Our muscular arms
Have so many charms.
We ‘gotta get up. We keep falling.
My previous friend and my doc.
Available always to talk.
But things are now changed,
Completely estranged.
Found my husband with Doc off the clock.
A Rewrite (better)
To some, this may sound quite appalling,
But “seniors” routinely are crawling.
Our muscular arms
(Hidden under our garms)
Sure give us a lift, after falling.
Theology quite often brings
To mind a few laughable things.
And even a pigeon
In avian religion
Thinks God must have feathers and wings.
Disgusting !! (And they’re on their way)
Ev’ry 17 years, on a whim,
We have visitors, festy and grim.
Come to Sweet Illinois,
So you too can enjoy
Cicadas on ev-er-ry limb.
Qantas Next Arrival: O’ hare International Airport “Cicadas Please Leave
From The Back Door”
Those cicadas on limbs make us cry.
But we just do not understand why
They always are squawking
And never stop talking
And whispering, “Terry says Hi’
Mad podiatrist, Goolish Lee Grim,
Stepped it up when it came to a trim.
Slews of toenails he whacked
As he danced ’round the fact
That his footwork was merely prelim.
The team they assembled was rough.
Astronauts more scary than tough.
Vampires so Grimm
a witch with one limb,
But they really had the fright stuff.
I’m on to you, Kitty
Ev’ry day, Kitty sits at the top
Of the tree, but she just will not stop
Getting caught on that limb,
(It’s all about “him”)
She’s real hot for that “cat rescue” cop.
The Piper’s Sour Note ~
The doctor of note felt off-key
and retorted, a bit angrily,
“You’re now on My clock.
I’m bookkeeper And doc
and it’s time that you paid my full fee!”
rewrite
She was confidante, friend and my doc.
Available always to talk.
Colossally changed,
completely estranged.
Found husband and doc off the clock.
Second Amendment (limbs)
T. Rex had such primitive charms.
Went to law school at “Dinosaur Farms.”
Though some thought it awful,
His protests were lawful.
Re’ “The Right To Bear Very Small Arms”
Those gams were insured by Ms. Grable
For a million. Was that fact or fable?
I do not recollect,
Did she ever collect
To get a new mink or a sable?
The creation recording of doc-
‘Mentary first on His block.
With Adam and Eve,
And clear to perceive.
Directing was God, not a shock.
Then there’s:
The creation recording of doc,
Starring the first of His flock.
With Adam and Eve,
And clear to perceive.
Directing was God, not a shock.
“Broadway Joe, Go Jets” (limbs)
Joe Namath was one of the pros.
So sexy in “Quarterback Clothes”
But the ladies went wild
When his legs sure beguiled
Them, the day he wore hot mantyhose.
Better Meter “Broadway Joe” (limbs)
Joe Namath was one of the pros,
So sexy in “quarterback clothes”
But the ladies went wild,
And boy! How they smiled,
When “Joe Willie” wore hot mantyhose.
The alluring Betty Grable, (before my time) “Pin Up Girl” (limbs)
I heard Betty Grable could thrill
Ev’ry Tom, Dick, and Harry, or Bill.
I’ve been told she was stacked,
And dug up one more fact:
Her legs were insured for one mill.
(true)
Martial arts he had learned at the gym.
He looked weak and he was rather slim.
Then on one recent night
Some thug started a fight,
And he tore him, perforce, limb from limb.
I’m so glad that Ms. Lisi was able
To remember the great Betty Grable.
True, her legs weren’t fat,
But her chest was quite flat.
Let’s do keep the facts on the table.
“I did all I could, but no luck.
He’s gone now.” Concluded the doc.
“This poor electrician
shall meet the mortician-
his death was one hell of a shock.”
Two vegans were eating a leaf
when one called the other a thief-
“That plant leg is mine
you root-headed swine!”
Twas a true vegetarian beef.
Bugs bunny shouted, what’s up doc
Then threw his carrot as a rock
He giggles out loud
Even turns and bows
Never knowing his rock had been block
For Rudy
Dear Rudy, how are you? and hi.
How dare you so blithely imply
That I recall Betty?
Don’t mean to be petty:
I seems you’re much older than I.
(just a joke)
Oops! well, that ruins THAT one!
Dear Rudy, how are you and hi.
How dare you so blithely imply
That I recall Betty?
Don’t mean to be petty:
IT seems you’re much older than I.
(just a joke)
Lisi,
Of course I am older than you.
It’s no secret. I thought that you knew.
Betty was a good friend
Right up to the end.
Plastic surgery kept her legs new.
To the space station, (you’ll be in shock),
The shuttle attempted to dock.
They’d not open their door.
(Yes, I secrecy swore.)
The astronauts first had to knock!
The Betty Grable Trilogy
So befuddled, I forgot to use this week’s limbs theme.
I guess Betty’s legs were enough
To assume she had “all the right stuff.”
But I bet, way back when,
Those googly-eyed men
Still wished she was shown in the buff.
Let’s change line 4 of my “space station” limerick.
To the space station, (you’ll be in shock),
The shuttle attempted to dock.
They’d not open their door.
It had happened before.
The astronauts first had to knock!
Rudy: last chapter (What da ya know? Fingers are limbs. (had to make sure)
If indeed you are older than I,
Here’s my brilliant and clever reply:
Keep your fingers real nimble.
Your rhymes are a symbol
Of wit. Keep it up. Time flies by.
(me too)
I Worked World Wide Web on a whim
To find out if a dick is a limb.
The result of the task?
It depends who you ask,
So I’ll risk it,- here’s ‘Dick’ in my Lim’.
Click Click Yuk
If you hear some cicadas, just run!
They’re revolting, and not one bit fun!
Millions sit on the limbs
“Clicking” ear-splitting hymns.
(After mating, they croak, all is done)
Dick-pick
So I’ve deemed ‘Dick’ a Limb (on a whim)
And inserted above in this Lim’
But if Mad disagrees:
NOT a limb, (it just pees)
She’ll dicklare me a Sick-dick Lim’ Crim’.
OR?
So I’ve deemed ‘Dick’ a Limb (like a man)
And inserted above (cuz I can)
But if Mad disagrees:
NOT a limb, (it just pees)
I’l be handed a two-week Lim’ ban!
Hey Lisi,
I’ll give you a leg up on this,
And kindly don’t take it amiss.
Those courageous young men
In the army back then
Don’t deserve your disparaging diss.
In honor of National American Beer Day.
“All medical Interns,” said Doc.
“Let’s walk to the bar, on this block.
Need beers to the brims,
It’ll loosen your limbs.
My prescription for first day on clock.”
Re: Rudy’s “Courageous Young Men”
You might be right, Rudy, but then,
I’ve implied this; I’ll say it again:
They’d pay lots of clams
Just to touch Betty’s gams.
Let’s face it Babe, men will be men.
Lisi,
I might just be out on a limb,
But your view of young men is quite dim.
Not all are obsessed
With a woman’s bare breast
Or any libidinous whim.
They won’t listen to Fauci the doc;
COVID science they cluelessly mock.
Get the jab? Wear a mask?
That’s just too much to ask!
What they’re full of they spew by the crock.
Rudy: You’re Right!
I’ve hunted around, in a tizzy.
My legs hurt so bad, that I’m dizzy.
I now see the light.
ONE man said you’re right.
He’s 90 years old; his name’s Izzy.
Traveling in time, leaving a dock
Means that dock isn’t, says a new clock.
Two docks exist
In this space I insist.
It’s simply a paradox.
Premature Appreciation.
He survived the long fall to the ground,
but had broken both arms (hit a mound).
Hauled up by his teeth, –
and with chasm beneath,
he said “Tha-a-a-anks…..” with diminishing sound!
As a child, I remember, Aunt Meg
Lived upstairs in a flat with Aunt Peg
Their constant knock knockin’
Was doin’ my block in
Cuz each had a hard wooden leg.
All the dancing they did (cuz they could)
Used to rattle the whole neighbourhood
They would stomp until morn’
Sometimes joined by Aunt Dawn,
to their favourite song: Knock On Wood.
“Hey, Hunky, I tell you no lies.
I’ve heard lots of talk ’bout your size.
Your appeal is a bolt.
That gives me a jolt.
And there’s thunder between these two thighs.”
The twelve of them inching in queue.
It was painfully slow, but it grew.
There’s something afoot,
Discovered, and put.
A sale of some shoes as what drew.
The British Museum, I fear,
Has lost all its charms, so I hear.
The Brits, up in arms,
Have sounded alarms:
“The end of the empire’s near!”
(No worries. Bermuda and the Falkland Islands are still stalwart members.)
And for Lisi,
So sorry that you’re in a tizzy.
I suggest that you quickly get busy
And try to take stock.
And go see your doc.
And what about Izzy? Who is he?
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Willie the Wharf is in tiers
He’s been dammed for the rest of his years
No longer a dock,
He’ll be kept under lock
By a jury of all of his piers.
The urologist stepped back in shock
From his patient, as hard as rock.
Who said, “It’s not trickery
That it’s so thickery
It’s a hickory dickory, Doc.”
The sailor said, shaky and grim,
As he hung from the ship’s crows nest rim,
“If you climb a tree
And you’re not at c,
You’re just going out on a ‘limb.”
There was a musician named Otis
Who unfortunately failed to notice
On sitting to rock
On the bay’s famous dock
An angry nest of camponotus.
Rudy: Izzy Doddery, A Brief Biography
Izzy loves to hold gals in his arms.
At 90, he still has his charms.
But he claims, “That’s enough,
If I try other stuff,
I’ll end up in “Catacomb Farms.”
1867
While drinking some beer from a keg,
A Frenchman, named Raphael Gregg
Named this new dance, “Can-Can”
But this real tipsy man
Should have known it was really “Leg Leg”
When Redcoats retreated in a flock
From Nawlins that Jackson did block,
The pier which they fled from
Held sugar, limes and rum:
‘Twas Old Hickory’s daiquiri dock!
A cranky old tree named Branch Rickey
Said birds on his limbs made him sticky
And one selfish swallow
Would crawl in his hollow
And wouldn’t say thanks for the quickie!
The Chinese place down at the dock
Cooks amazing Bok Choy in a wok.
I ate Bok of the Day
With the Doc of the Bay
After posting our pic on TikTok.
MISTAKES IN MY LIM’S!
Pain or worry can trigger my whims
So I’d rather write lim’s than sing hymns.
All the pills that I take
Have just fixed my head ache
But I’ve found some missed aches in my limbs.
This replaces my previous (8.09pm)
MISTAKES IN MY LIM’S!
Pain or worry can trigger my whims
But I’d rather write lim’s than sing hymns.
All the pills that I take
Have just fixed my head ache
And they’ve found some missed aches in my limbs.
“If he says one maw time, ‘What’s up, doc?’
That wabbit I’ll shoot with a Glock,”
Fumed Elmer. The Second
Amendment had beckoned;
Said he, “Gun contwol is a cwock.”
For double duty:
Snow White late one night was in shock:
“One part of you isn’t small, Doc.
The size of your legs
Made me think, ‘He’s the dregs’;
What’s between them, though, sure isn’t schlock.”
“The Titanic is leaving the dock;
To believe it could sink is a crock,”
Said the captain. A clue,
Though, alarmed the whole crew,
For the man had a hole in his sock.
I limped in and waited for Doc,
Wearing only my socks and a smock.
With pain in both knees,
He could sell me with ease
On any crap surgery crock.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 481. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off LEAK.