MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

White priv’lege has gone to my head:
I eat mayo on white bread in bed.
I’m renowned for my wealth
And enjoy vibrant health;
What’s my secret, you ask? I’m white-bred.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special SELF-CONTROL-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The sensation is driving me mad!
What a feeling, – so good yet so bad.
It’s coming on strong,
Can’t hold it for long.
Oh Yes – YES! It’s the best sneeze I’ve had.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Gennadiy Gurariy, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Terry Marter, Bob Turvey, Roger Haugen, Jesse Levy, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BREAD/BRED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SELF-CONTROL LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“Since they tell me I’m quite overfed,
I’m determined to diet,” he said.
“Though I’ll still eat by tons
Greasy burgers and buns,
I shall make myself give up stale bread.”

Gennadiy Gurariy:

The carbs that are lurking in bread
Admittedly fill me with dread.
I once tried to veto
The strictures of keto,
But ended up breaking the bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BREAD or BRED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Rudy Landesman:

That gal is well read and well bred.
She’d never (she said) be caught dead
With a book that was porn.
She dismissed those with scorn.
She’d watch X-rated movies instead.

Kirk Miller:

Our baker’s a man of renown
Who’s awarded the bread-making crown.
All the judges have said
That his prize-winning bread
Is superb. It’s the toast of the town.

Tim James:

Said the scion, so suave and well-bred,
To his lady: “It’s time that we wed.
I’ll be needing a mare
To provide me an heir.”
So she did what she had to. She fled.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At the bakery, Crumb Bros & Sons,
Female bakers were treated like nuns.
“All the brothers,” gals said,
“When they’re testing our bread,
Make a habit of squeezing our buns.”

Lisi Nortman:

I used to call Johnny a “sleaze”
Cuz he constantly begged for “Trapeze.”
Since I’m very well-bred,
One night in our bed,
I agreed cuz he fin’ly said, “please.”

Ken Gosse:

My parents both look like each other.
Their parents were sister and brother.
My kids were inbred
In my own sibling’s bed,
Like we learned from our father and mother.

Brian Allgar:

“Beware of that woman!” they said
To the baker who hoped to be wed.
“She just happens to know
That you’re rolling in dough –
She’s a gold-digger, after your bread.”

Terry Marter

The seagulls all perched on the shed,
Set for dive-bombing many a head.
Then Jonathan said
“See that woman in red?
Don’t crap on her; she’s got the bread.”

Bob Turvey:

There was a young lady named Flo,
Whose boyfriend said, “Women can’t throw.”
So she threw at his head,
A loaf of stale bread;
But she missed and she fractured her toe.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

This appeal from my doctor sufficed
To reveal his advice over-priced:
“Cut down on your bread.”
That’s all that he said.
And I had to explain, “It comes sliced.”

Tim James:

She employed him to help her make bread,
But his nature she badly misread.
She found out that the oaf
Would consistently loaf.
“I’ve no knead for this goof-off,” she said.

Roger Haugen:

“My family’s extremely well-bred,”
He smirked with a toss of his head;
When a DNA test
Put that fiction to rest,
He keeled over in shock and fell dead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SELF-CONTROL-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Gennadiy Gurariy:

If life is indeed like a box
Full of chocolate, it ought to have locks,
Or I know what I’ll get:
Upset stomach, regret,
Chocolate stains and intestinal blocks.

Tony Holmes:

Those who advocate strict self-control
Are a miserable lot, on the whole.
Not for them the delights
Of those drink sodden nights,
Or the head hanging over the bowl.

Lisi Nortman:

I wanted to be so much thinner,
My plan? It sure wasn’t a winner:
For breakfast and lunch,
A salad to munch.
Then loss of control for my dinner.

Jesse Levy

I really can’t stop my loud crying
Because of my profligate buying.
It sure isn’t funny
’Cause I’m out of money…
But at least I own all I’ve been eyeing.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Said my sneaky, (yet lovable) spouse:
“I’ve ordered just one pretty blouse.”
“Oh really?” said I.
“Then please tell me why
Eve’ry day there’s a box in the house.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If shooting yourself is your goal,
Then before you get ready to roll,
As you suck your cheeks in,
Also cover your chin.
It’s called practicing selfie control.

Dave Johnson:

He thought that they should, though she wouldn’t;
Her feeling was “could, but we shouldn’t.”
Their evening spent,
She began to relent;
And told him they would…then he couldn’t.

Steve Benko:

Said the priest, “You must use self-control;
In the Church, that’s how altar boys roll.
Keep a stiff upper lip
While my pants I unzip;
Three Hail Mary’s will then save your soul.”

Rudy Landesman:

When I was a boy wearing nickers,
My favorite candy was “Snickers.”
I still get the jones
Right down to my bones.
I control them imbibing sweet liquors.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Joan was raised to be pure, without taint,
And was praised for demure self-restraint.
So she took it quite hard
When she found out Bernard,
Their old dog, was the family Saint.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

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