Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FLY at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 2, 2021)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FLY at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BRAGGING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BRAGGING-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on October 3, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 2, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my FLY-rhyme limerick:
Please don’t claim something’s “easy as pie.”
That assertion is pie in the sky.
Baking pies makes me queasy;
It sure isn’t “easy.”
Your analogy simply won’t fly.
And here’s my BRAGGING-themed limerick:
“Do not think that because you’re first born
You can treat other players with scorn.
You’re a middling musician,
Despite your ambition.
And I hate when you blow your own horn.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Braggart Verse, Bragging Humor, Competition Limerick, Idiom Limericks, Idioms Humor, Language Humor, Language Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Music Humor & Verse, Music Limerick, Musician Humor, Musician Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
When you land, John, please text me and then
My prayer will conclude with “Amen”.
Do that each time you fly.
But incase you should die,
I’ll find out when I watch CNN.
I wonder if anyone remembers this: During one of Johnny Carson’s monologues, his fly was open. The studio audience was in stitches, until he figured out why. The TV viewers, of course couldn’t see it.
“Advice To Men”
Here is something you always can do
When folks have an outlandish view.
If they notice your fly,
Is open, don’t sigh.
Turn around. Zip it up. Dance “Soft Shoe”
He bragged about being so fly,
But nobody figured out why.
He was just a fool
And not at all cool.
So square that I really could cry.
I baked a superb shoofly pie,
A delight to the taste and the eye.
But you probably guessed,
An unwanted guest
Has come for a taste. — “Shoo, damn fly!!”
Hush now babe, be strong, don’t you cry,
Keep moving those legs, walk on by,
Avoid the weed killer,
You wee caterpillar,
To morph to a cute butterfly!
My Dad made his millions in trade,
Our mansion is proudly displayed,
It’s now up for sale,
To send me to Yale,
Coz Mom’s now too fat to be laid!
Fly And Brag
Teachers say I’m as “dumb as a fly”.
But now I shall no longer cry.
I was tested for drugs.
Granny gave me big hugs.
Not to brag, but my score was “Real High”.
An old lady, she swallowed a fly.
Then a spider and bird, please stand by.
Next a cat and a dog,
And a cow, what a hog.
But a horse, well of course made her die.
Couldn’t resist. My mom’s favorite song to sing to us as kids.
(Double)
“I’m a yugely-equipped kinda guy”,
Boasted Donald, unzipping his fly.
So the hooker went down,
Gave a mysttified frown.
“I can’t find it”, she said with a sigh.
(Fly and bragging)
Something ’bout him had caught the girl’s eye,
Then she saw it “escape” from his fly.
“I can see that he’s bragging
Cos Nothing is sagging,-
Fully turned on, – in fact, – So am I!”
Cook says, “Why swallow that fly?”
Lady said, “Jeez, don’t know why.”
My hunch? Needed protein,
Then steered me to Holstein.
Hope no Heimlich, when eating my pie.”
X Y Z, means examine your fly.
Well zipper, I’m telling you why.
I see there’s a stripper,
Close it or tip ‘er.
You seem like a really nice guy.
“With Her Hands On Her Hips” She Says
Just because you are 5 and I’m 4,
Doesn’t mean that you know any more.
In school, I am better!
I know ev’ry letter.
I don’t brag, but I’m smarter than your.
Always failing when aiming too high,
I was flailing with each futile try.
So I set my sights lower,
And learned to go slower.
Now I’m skillful at killing a fly.
That ” Superman” boy! he could fly.
So fast way up high in the sky.
But Clark Kent never tried,
Cause he knew he’d collide
With himself, and then drop down and die.
correction of limerick #2 (Johnny Carson) “Advice For Men”
Here is something you always can do
When folks have an improper view.
If they notice your fly
Is open, (don’t cry)
Just zip it, then do the “soft shoe”
a remake of a tongue twister: “The Gassy Flue”
A flea met a fly in a flue.
The fly asked him, “What shall we do?”
Said the flea, “Let us fly”.
Said the fly, “Worth a try,
Cause this flue smells like Pepe Le Pew.”
One couldn’t compare them to others.
So dumb, they just wanted their druthers.
Their plane couldn’t fly.
Oh, how they did sigh.
Folks called them the “Stupid Wrong Brothers”.
I know it’s just pie in the sky
But if everyone learned how to fly
We’d be up there today
Heading Florida way, –
To go take a crap on that guy.
Have you seen these bumper stickers lately? (true) “bragging”
Those stickers on cars sure befit
Any parent who’s one pompous twit.
When they say, “My kid’s best
Gets an “A” on each test”
I yell out, “No one gives a shit”.
Bragging??
As the guy started probing her crotch,
Said the whore, – through a haze of straight Scotch:
“Quit doing your thing
And remove your darn ring”
He said “That ain’t no ring, – it’s my Watch!”
Fly Fishing
“How de do, Mr. Callahan, I
Surely never intended to die.
But you had it your way,
So I’ve called it a day.
I’m the fish that you caught with your fly”.
“We’re off on a Drive to Dubai.”
“But my dear, I’d prefer that we Fly.”
“Yes! The hot chick next door
Has a new 4 x 4
with 2 seats, so I guess it’s Bye Bye!”
The Blowhard
He says he has learned how to fly
He’ll buy a Lear jet and get high
He’ll get him some girls
And buy them some pearls
Methinks a comeuppance is nigh
Blue Ribbon
My recipe for Shoo-fly pie
Is so tasty you’ll want to die!
I’m such a good cook
I wrote a cook book!
Now just let me swat this damned fly!
The Value of Feeling Usefull
At times I’m so sad I could cry
Or take a step off here and fly
But work calls me back
And keeps me on track
There’s no rush to the sweet bye and bye
Collectibles: Don’t Throw Them Away!
The boys in 8th. grade are real shy.
They save “Happy Meal” toys, here is why:
From their fruitful return,
They know they will earn
Enough for “Greenhorn Spanish Fly”.
Said a shy man, “I fear I may die –
I’ve a rash on the thing near my thigh.”
A doctor’s appointment
Resulted in ointment;
And the ointment is now in his fly.
Sometimes when my logic goes “bye,”
I wish city buses could fly.
On roads they’d chop shop
if not for signs that say, “STOP!”
I fear what they’d do in the sky.
Variety Is The Spice
My boredom is just bout peaking.
For so many years, I’ve been seeking
A new plane to fly
Manned by some other guy,
Instead of that old Captain Speaking.
In Memoriam
I’m sorry to hear that you’re dead.
You couldn’t just linger instead?
But please tell me why
You left on the fly.
It must have been something I said.
Farewell, my dear lovable Pop.
Today, I will leave on a prop.
It’s a nice way to fly.
But I must say, “Good Bye”
Never see you again, it’s non-stop.
Oh yes, I must say I was steaming.
I don’t want to hear about “teaming”
No more will I fly
And help some strange guy
With that mask, when I’m too busy screaming.
“Superfluous Safety Instructions: Blah Blah Blah”
Imagine how fed-up I felt.
In the “Land of the Bored” I sure dwelt.
I just hate to fly,
Cuz that gal thinks that I
Still don’t know how to buckle a belt.
Terminology
What the hell is a “final descent”?
Those words sure don’t make me content.
No more shall I fly.
Cause then I might die
In that “Land of Unlikely Event”
OOPS! 11:47 AM today: correction: (L1)
“Variety Is The Spice”
My boredom is just about peaking.
For so many years, I’ve been seeking
A new plane to fly,
Manned by some other guy.
Instead of that old Captain Speaking.
Donald Trump is that one stand-up guy,
Who never told one single lie.
He never deceived.
And those who believed
Were certain that all pigs can fly.
I said “Teach me to Swim” to this Guy.
Almost Killed me! You wondering why?
Went to High-board, up Top,
Threw me Off, – belly Flop!
Still Glad I said “Swim” and not “Fly”
How she Brags when she’s Put to the Test:
“I’m the Best, cuz my Name’s Anna Pest.
If my Peers need a Key
word they Always call Me,
– by my Surname, but Surely they Jest.”
Replaces September 20, 11.25pm. (Last line)
I said “Teach me to Swim” to this Guy.
Almost Killed me! You wondering why?
Went to High-board, up Top,
Threw me Off, – belly Flop!
But I’m Glad I said “Swim” and not “Fly”
In some poems, that awful “atrocious,”
Will end up with the perky “precocious.”
But the suffix would fit
(since it means “full of it”),
So much better with brash “braggadocious.”
In my soup I had noticed a fly
So the next time the waiter came by
I said please will you scoop
This poor fly from my soup
So that neither of us has to die.
In my dreams it’s so easy to fly,
Just like swimming in air! Why did I
Never try that before?
Then my face hits the floor
As I wake up and then start to cry.
I am old and I live on a pension;
I have few ways to get your attention,
So let me just say
In a (non-)bragging way
Mad once gave me an hon’rable mention ☺️
A bat has invaded my house!
I’d rather be host to a mouse
That at least doesn’t fly
And can legally die
And does not make me wish for a spouse.
Her Biology Lab partner, Guy,
Who knew dead things in jars made her cry,
Said, “I’ll dissect your toad
To help lighten your load,
If you’ll promise to open my fly.”
The Airport Terminal
The TERMINAL?? What a condition!
It gives me a scary suspicion!
I simply won’t fly,
Cuz I don’t wanna’ die
I just want to enter remission.
(A few from the past …)
They laughed when I said “Pigs can fly”,
And insisted “That’s pie in the sky”,
But they soon ceased to scoff
When the Donald took off
And he soared like a porker on high.
*****************
“Fake News!” Donald screamed. “It’s a lie!
This opera scam? I don’t buy!
Do they think I’m a fool
Or a dumb kid from school
To believe that some Dutchman can fly?”
*****************
Though the cannibal lived in a nest,
He would boast that he owned an ice-chest.
“That last girl that I ate?
With my new, up-to-date
Little freezer, I’m keeping abreast.”
*****************
The new Senator’s learning the drill
For succeeding on Capitol Hill:
“Avoid truth if a lie
Helps your campaign to fly;
Be as straight as a three-dollar bill.”
*****************
“Let’s re-open the country, okay?
Though the virus gets worse every day
And millions will die,
The stock market will fly,
So it’s worth it, us billionaires say!”
His father said “Don’t go too high;
If the sun melts your wings, you will die!”
But Icarus knew
That he’d used superglue.
Now he just had to learn how to fly.
His trust fund did earn him attention.
She sensing complete comprehension.
He wanted to fly,
Go to Rome or Dubai.
He’s a braggart on hyperextension.
Covid Rules
For the last 2 darn years, we have sat
Alone in our house or our flat.
Like we fell in a hole.
Never went near one soul.
Not to brag, but I’ve always done that.
Christmas Dinner Party: Be SUBTLE !
“It’s clear that I’ve made a deduction
About a real awkward malfunction.
I’ve been keeping an eye
La la la la fly.
Our next guest needs no introduction”.
About boasting, I needed advice,
And my minister said, “It’s not nice.
You like praise, and want more?
That’s what fun’rals are for.”
I guess bragging rites come with a price.
The drone I was learning to fly
Had risen way up in the sky.
Encroaching its haunts
Brought an eagle’s response;
Some parts were recovered nearby…
better
His trust fund did earn him attention,
She’s sensing complete comprehension.
He wanted to fly,
Go to Rome or Dubai.
He’s a braggart, I scrapped reservation.
Whoops. L5
His trust fund did earn him attention.
She’s sensing complete comprehension.
He wanted to fly,
Go to Rome or Dubai.
He’s a braggart, I scrapped our ascension.
Dizzy house flies do not only step
On your food in a tizzy to prep
All their meals on the fly,
In you beer glass they die.
It’s no wonder they’ve got a bad rep.
Correction: typo line 4. Sorry for the fly infestation
Dizzy house flies do not only step
On your food in a tizzy to prep
All their meals on the fly,
In your beer glass they die.
It’s no wonder they’ve got a bad rep.
Said a Jain, “I will not hurt a fly,
But that mosquito has sucked me dry.
He now weighs fifteen stone
And won’t leave me alone.
If he sucks me once more I will die.”
One cold night, emboldened by booze,
Young Henry stripped off outside Sue’s.
Then he shouted, “Tonight
I am pure dynamite.”
Her comment; “With one inch of fuse.”
I’m a Giant, – as tall as a pine,
I’m still Higher than you when supine,
See that sign I tripped over
(and crushed a Land Rover),
It says: Max headroom: 7ft-9.
Dick’s so cocky; he claims that his cock,
When erect, gets as hard as a rock.
But the gals beg to differ;
They say jello gets stiffer.
Dick’s boasts are but one giant crock.
While on Zoom, Jeffrey opened his fly,
And performed a complete DIY.
He’d neglected to check
To confirm that his peck-
Er was far from the camera’s eye.
As she showed off her sonogram pic,
Mrs. Head bragged, “My baby’s so quick —
He’s in prayer!” She gasped.
I saw tiny hands clasped.
Was he praying, “Please don’t name me Dick”?
There once was a young fly named Whit
Who hated his life quite a bit.
“To be,” he would sigh,
“A bee, not a fly,
And fly among flowers, not shit!”
A busy young fruit fly named Rudy
Was feeling frustrated and moody:
“Whenever I fly
And land on your pie,
I lose my day’s coating of doodie!”
While under a microscope’s eye,
This subject has secrets to pry.
Entomologists know
That it just goes to show
There’s stuff you can learn on the fly.
Please pardon me as I boast
But Playtex says I, more than most,
Deserve a position
In its bra division,
But it’s just a titular post.
An ambulatory young roach
Said, to his friend’s stern reproach,
“Of course I could fly,
But you know that I
Can’t stand the people in coach!”
I feel an immense agitation,
In generalized terms, complication.
It’s a dare from a guy,
I’d wing walk, he’d fly.
My fear, premature debarkation.
At ninety-five years, this old guy
Was known to be agile and spry;
His friends thought him cute,
And raised a loud hoot,
When he swatted a fly on his fly.
Icarus wanted to fly
Just like the birds in the sky;
He made a great leap,
Came down in a heap–
The first aviator to die.
A preacher says when we die
If we’re good we’ll go up to the sky,
And I hope he’s right,
If so then I might
Finally learn how to fly.
If only I could fly
How I’d soar ‘through the sky
Like an eagle or dove
In the Heavens above
But, I’m a pig in a sty.
The ex Pres keeps lying and bragging
Tho his credibility keeps sagging
Yet his Toadies in mass
Stand in line to kiss ass
While the rest of the world is gagging.
Her friend’s an excitable guy;
Decorum – they give it a try;
A casual glance
At the bulge in his pants
And she begins swatting the fly.
He told her “I don’t mean to brag,
But I’m ample where others may lag.”
She pondered at length
How he builds up his strength;
By hoisting a giant red flag.
I said, as I pawed through the rack,
for a baseball mitt (something I lack),
to the clerk standing by,
“Soon I’ll catch my first fly!”
He said, “Why not just give it a whack?”
Ms. Erica Jong wrote with pluck.
Her strong fear of flying to chuck;.
On her very first try
She learned how to fly
On the wings of great zipless fuck.
So relieved when my man left our house,
He’s the terrible previous spouse.
Saw him leave, and then fly,
suppose he should try.
A locale with address such as Laos.
Wise Plato was asked: “Tell us why,
No matter how hard we may try,
We’re stuck on the ground.”
And he would expound:
“A featherless biped can’t fly.”
I may not be very well-hung.
Doesn’t matter, I’ve reached the top rung.
I quite often fly
To Neverland, I
Am so happy, the babes think I’m young.
(Peter Pan taught me)
Naughty Naughty (Peter Pan)
Wendy looked at her mother and said,
“Gee Mommy! Your face is so red!
Oh, he’s just some guy,
Who said he could fly.
Then promptly flew into my bed”.
Ladies grinned as they passed him by
So he’d smile and wink his eye
He thought “Today I’m guite charming ”
But, he found it alarming
When told “Sir you should zip up your fly”.
The desirable weight in my sights.
Going to document each of my bites.
Will give it a try,
And soon zip up the fly.
To jeans that are shape wear like tights.
The desirable content on sites,
Requires I document each of my bytes.
Will give it a try,
Have the hits, and then fly.
To “The Valley” and bam it delights!
The desirable content on sites,
Required she document each of her bytes.
She gave it a try,
now have hits, and should fly.
Both the figured and literal heights.
“Mary Poppins”
Dear Albert was one wary ‘fella.
And sometimes he just had to tell ‘a
Friend, when he’d fly
Mary sure made him cry.
And feared her real “pokey” umbrella.
Poor Uncle Albert, (Ed Wynn), couldn’t help flying around the room when he laughed. Mary highly disapproved. The real truth: Miss Poppins wasn’t really that sweet. :)
The rock-a-bye song, a whole sweep.
Not singing for grandbaby’s sleep.
A bough breaks and they fly,
With cry from the sky.
I’m sticking with counting the sheep.
“I know my routines’s gonna fly,”
Crowed the comic whose spirits were high;
But the crowd sat, bemused,
Very few were amused–
Some folks just don’t get ham on wry.
At ninety-five years, the old guy
Was known to be agile and spry;
His friends thought it cute
And raised a loud hoot,
When he swatted a fly on his fly.
I’m a hostess, so each day I fly.
But believe it or not, I don’t cry.
When the kvetchs all leave,
You wont’ see me grieve.
Cuz I’m so cock-a-hoop sayin’ “BYE”
“The Wizard Of Oz”
The scarecrow is now in the sky.
Way up high in the sky he did fly.
Someday, we shall meet,
And I’ll finally greet
A person who’s dumber than I.
better
The scarecrow is now way up high
In the land where the sweet bluebirds fly.
One day, we shall meet.
And I’ll finally greet
A person who’s dumb, just like I.
When it shelters from rain, does a fly
(As it lands on a ceiling nearby)
Do a half roll to land,
Or a half loop, then stand
Upside down on the spot to drip dry.
Replaces previous.
When it shelters from rain, does a fly
(While approaching a ceiling nearby)
Do a half roll to land,
Or a half loop, then stand
Upside down on the spot to drip dry.
“My favorite dessert!” said the fly.
“Cow pie a la mode! I could die!
And it’s fresh from the butt
Topped with ice cream, you nut;
Come, let’s have some before it gets dry!”
You’re baking a fresh apple pie?
Geometry might just apply.
You do want to plan
The size of your pan.
Just square the pie’s radius times pi.
Charlotte said as she left the lanai
For the kitchen where sat a pot pie:
“Tonight if we’re able,
Let’s sit at the table.
We’ve been eating too much on the fly.”
Vertical Take-off (said fly)
Is a breeze so I’m wondering why
You’ve spent many a buck
On much stuff with no luck
In the meantime check This out, – Bye Bye!
Off my back said the fly to the guy.
Are you a mite back there to spy?
I mite just be one
A really bad pun.
But I just made it up on the fly.
There are those who have fears by the score.
Paranoia brings these to the fore.
“Who you spying for, guy?”
Asks one man of a fly.
“Well, whoever it is—” splat! “No more.”
In the civilised past, buttoned flies,
Though a fiddle, bestowed no surprise.
Not so zips! They provide,
When in haste mis-applied,
A shock that brings tears to your eyes.
As you pass by the gents, hark for, “Eek!”
As another dumb schmuck zips his ‘beak’.
Careless, tugs on his fly
Trapping poor old ‘one-eye’,
And is left to lament his technique.
Well now I’m certainly no Don Juan
And my Bragging is not foregone.
Though I’ve nothing to prove
When my clothes I remove.
My shower will then be turned on.
What Is the Stewardess Pointing To?
Emergency exits enhance
Your flight so there’s simply no chance
Of death when you fly.
No reason to cry
Cuz you’ve witnessed that cute “Pointing Dance”
Unfortunately True
Imagine the wonderful joys
Of flying near someone with poise.
Just like ME! when I fly.
You can always rely
On my non-stop screech, “Hey! what’s that noise?”
Watch Out! Ms. Whiner is taking another flight! Security Comments
“Ms. Whiner? We sure can’t appeas’er.
Whatever we say, just won’t pleas’er.
When she’s all set to fly,
She’ll scream out and cry:
“Those bastards have hijacked my tweezer”
Replaces September 26 12.12pm
Fast vertical take-off (said fly)
Is a breeze, so I’m wondering why
You’ve spent many a buck
On such stuff with no luck.
In the meantime check This out, – Bye Bye!
The swatter zoomed in from on high
– ‘tried to flatten the poor little fly
But it quickly took off, –
Thumbed its nose with a scoff,
And returned to the now broken pie.
Another Take On Mrs. Whiner
Mrs. Whiner is sure hard to please.
We should charge her more sizable fees.
When she’s all set to fly,
She’ll scream out and cry:
“Those bastards have hijacked my keys”
Correction:
Another senior moment. I left the fly out of my Sept. 26th (11:58 am) limerick.
I have now given it its rightful place in the first line.
You’re baking a pie on the fly?
Geometry might just apply.
You do want to plan
The size of your pan.
Just square the pie’s radius times pi
My ancient old gardener Jack Sprout,
Was a braggard, and I have no doubt,
That he was a fibber
When he said his dibber
Was twelve inches long and quite stout.
A tiler, at work in Dunedin,
Once, when some relief he was needin’
From the roof just let fly
Till an agonised cry
Made him peer at a face he’d just peed in.
“Transmogrification Awry”
Is a term that I like to apply,
When each man of my dreams
Turns out not what he seems —
Like Jeff Goldblum becoming a fly.
Bragging
“There was Charlie, and Marvin and Lou.
And Bill with that dashing tattoo”.
“That’s nothing, my dear.
Let me make something clear:
I’ve had many more husbands than you”.
“One-Up-Man-Ship Senior Home: A Dialogue: (bragging)
“Two weeks ago, I had the flu.
Now I’ve shingles, I’m sure in a stew”.
“That’s nothing, my dear.
Let me make this real clear:
I’m really much sicker than you”.
Another Dialogue At “One-Up-Man-Ship Senior Home” (bragging)
“On the eye chart, I named very few
Of the letters, and that made me blue”.
“That ain’t no big deal
I’m Much worse, Lucille.
Right now I can’t even see you”.
Same Home: Marvin Is Bragging
“I spend most of the time in my bed.
And ev’ry disease I sure dread”
“Sid, whatever is true,
I can always outdo.
You’re talking to someone who’s dead”.
Not something of which I should boast.
As a youth, when we lived on the coast,
One hot Day I wagged school
Cuz I thought I was Cool,
But when I got home I was Toast.
A math teacher learned how to fly;
The skill that allowed him to try
His brand-new technique.
Now some students may seek
To learn about pi in the sky.
While strolling one day with my wife
We were mugged by a guy with a knife
The first thought in my head
was what Croc Dundee said,
– Then I shot him, thus ending the strife.
Airplane Bathrooms: Tiny
Those razor slots, close to the drain
Seem pointless; can someone explain?
Ev’ry time that I fly
I keep wondering why
A person would shave on a plane.
Zigzagging is his normal style,
Performed with a disarming smile;
Each zig and each zag
Should raise a red flag–
Beware! He’s a master of guile.
Three engines have failed, -it’s all right,
Our arrival’s delayed so sit tight.
There’s a long way to fly, –
If the fourth one should die
I could mean we’ll be up here all night.
The hostess makes crucial remarks.
So attentively, ev’ry one harks:
“Each time that you fly,
Water landings apply.
Use your peanuts to kill all the sharks”.
Correction Of Above Limerick:
The hostess makes crucial remarks.
So attentively, ev’ry one harks:
“At times when we fly,
Water landings apply.
Save your peanuts to kill all the sharks”.
The contact was stuck in my eye,
And whizzing nearby was the fly.
They connected, and ouch,
It’s not hard, I can vouch.
What a pain having sex on the couch.
Air Control To Pilot: “It’s Pay-Back Time”
We were having an ill-fated flight.
Our futures sure didn’t look bright.
It was hopeless to fly
Cuz that “traffic girl”, Skye
Asked,”Where were you Saturday night?”
Or singular, adding the word, “me” in L5
I was manning an ill-fated flight.
My future sure didn’t look bright.
It was hopeless to fly
Cuz that “traffic girl” Skye
Asked me, “Where were you Saturday night?”
L5 whoops
The contact was stuck in her eye.
And whizzing nearby was the fly.
They connected, and ouch,
It’s not hard, she can vouch.
With the pain, his erection would die.
I’m humble and charming and wise.
My looks make those stock prices rise.
I don’t brag very well,
But I’m funny as hell.
And so, I must use a disguise.
A revision of one above. I wasn’t happy with mis-applied.
In the civilised past, buttoned flies,
Though a fiddle, bestowed no surprise.
Not so zips! They may bite,
If, in haste, pulled with might:
A shock that brings tears to your eyes.
Bill thinks he has figured out why
That area’s known as “the fly”.
For those who would stare
During travels by air,
He offers “hello” and “goodbye”.
Some pilots will sure catch the flu.
That some will still fly can be true.
Some flew I won’t lie
With flu they did fly
But why we haven’t a clue.
“I can dance, tell good jokes, and I sing.
I make jewl’ry, just look at my ring.”
“Oh wow! You’re so skilled.
It sure makes me thrilled.
Not to brag, but I can’t do a thing”.
At the bake-off we all heard her boast
That the judges would like her bread most.
She committed a goof
And her dough failed to proof —
So now it appears that she’s toast.
Alternate spelling of mite L3
Off my back said the fly to the guy.
Are you a mite back there to spy?
I might just be one
A really bad pun.
But I just made it up on the fly.
Fake it till you make it. (Brags to Riches?).
When poor Mum & dad asked where I’d been
I said “Learning to speak like the Queen.
If I can’t talk proper
I’ll come a right cropper
When I Sus-out that posh London scene “
So I learned how to say ‘Elocution’
With no Trace of my Cockney pollution
Now they think (by my voice)
that I drive a Rolls Royce
It’s a very successful solution.
She stood There with her drink, fully nude
I said sorry I’m not in the mood.
Then I woke up! – Oh my,-
You could see the pigs fly,
The day That really happens, I’m screwed!
I once dated an English guy,
Who told me that he was a spy.
It seemed so unlike him,
And chances were real slim.
I figured it was just a lie.
The White House, we know, has two wings.
Some serious questions that brings.
Can you tell me why
That dodo can’t fly?
That’s how Washington always does things?
My wife,not to brag, is just grand.
She answers my every demand.
When we are in bed
She gives me great head
And does wonderful things with her hand.
If that is too risqué for you, here is a tamer version:
My wife, not to brag, is just grand.
She answers my every demand.
She’s very well bred.
She even bakes bread
And cooks with whatever’s on hand.
Believe Or Not: “The Days Of Yore”
Those olden days surely were great.
At the airport, you’d wait for your mate.
Each time he would fly,
You’d kiss and say, “hi”
And pick him up right at the gate.
The “security” guy takes your pen.
You sit at the boarding gate, then
You’re ready to fly.
Come back home, and just why?
At the gift shop, you see it again.
That Nagging Feeling ~
While I stood in the checkout line, bragging,
the speed of the line started dragging.
My stories were bold
but were too often told.
They begged me to “Please, finish bagging!”
The pilots sure don’t keep an eye
On glitches way up in the sky.
Your bag’s never checked.
Not one thing they suspect.
“Risky Airlines”! The best way to fly!
I once caught the flu from a fly
who flew on my pie from on high.
I yelled at it “shoo”
while slamming my shoe
into what’s now become shoefly pie.
When posting my profile on Bumble
I’m hoping that I didn’t fumble
by laying out raw
my only grave flaw
of being exceedingly humble.
Pilot’s First Flight: Chicago To Indiana
The plane clearly didn’t ascend.
So fearful, he had to pretend.
That he knew how to fly.
But we all wondered why
He drove all the way to South Bend.
His pick-up lines just didn’t fly.
“You’re a pig!” said the gal in reply,
Then got mad (who’d have guessed?)
When he asked her in jest:
“Would you like to come up to my sty?”
I don’t like to brag as a rule
But I think it’s super cool.
Because it is true
I still fit into
The flip flops I wore in high school.
I don’t like to brag but when pressed.
My shampoo is surely the best.
I’m one of the holders
It is head and shoulders
Way above all of the rest.
I have a dog who was a stray.
I named him Miles without delay.
It’s not a gag
Don’t mean to brag
But I walk miles every day.
Replaces September 28 @ 7.32pm
She straddled my chest fully nude
I said “Sorry, I’m not in the mood”.
Then I woke up! – Oh my,-
You could see the pigs fly.
The day THAT really happens, I’m screwed!
Senior Bragging Competition
“I forget what to do, such a crime!
Then remember! That feels so sublime!”
“Dear I’m one up on you
Cause I forget too,
But I do them both at the same time”.
“My boobs are the best” she kept Bragging
But reality just kept on nagging.
On-line graphs showed the signs
Falling parallel lines
Showing fan-club and tits were both sagging.
After scaring up “Friends” coast-to-coast,
Casper boasts on a post, “I’ve the most!
Countless followers boo me,
And thousands see through me —
Not to mention the millions I ghost!”
The most popular game at “Senior Living”
Playing “Bingo” is sure lots of fun.
A game that I never will shun.
Most guests are beginners.
We locals are winners.
Not to brag, but I’ll always B1.
Senior Activity To Tone Our Bodies: Room 2
We take part in the “sit and be fit”.
If we stand, our frail heads we will split.
But I took a risk.
And injured a disc.
Not to brag, but I still haven’t quit.
Mitch McConnell has made a proud boast
That Joe Biden’s agenda is toast.
“Now that Manchin’s betraying
The Dems (guess who’s paying?),
Not one bill will get past the post.”
minor change in “Senior Activity To Tone Our Bodies” Room 2
We partake in the “sit and be fit”.
If we stand, our frail heads we will split.
Yet I took a risk.
Fell, and injured my disc.
Not to brag, but I still haven’t quit.
As he wrestled to pull up his fly
He was spied by a gal, who asked why
He was struggling so.
He replied, “Don’t you know
I grew LOTS, when I saw you walk by.”
A fledgling was learning to fly
From a gum tree way up in the sky
But when the bough broke
The poor thing did choke
Plastic bags and a McDonald’s fry!
He had built up a huge list of exes
Cadillacs and an oil well in Texas
Sex drive was not lagging
And he said “I’m not bragging!
But his words and the facts had no nexus.
In the lobby while drinking some beer.
Chess players bragged to anyone near.
There was no doubt
What its about.
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Is a fly for the fabric connect,
or insect you gladly eject?
I’ll give you a clue,
Expose if it’s true.
To undo, and erect and inject.
I got a job for big dough.
At Old Macdonald’s farm, Yo.
I’m top dog now
And here is how.
I’m the new C-I-E-I-O
Correction to 9/30 @ 3:45 Comment
In the lobby while drinking some beer.
Chess players bragged to anyone near.
There was no doubt
What it’s about.
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
“My boobs are the best” she kept Bragging
But reality just kept on nagging.
On-line graphs had the signs:
Falling parallel lines
Showing fan-club and tits were both sagging.
Senior Citizens Coming Home
“Gotta walk up 2 steps, what a climb!
After all, I am not in my prime!”
“Dear, I climb up them too.
And I’ve one up on you:
Not to brag, but it takes me less time”.
My wife hates the food when we fly;
She complains: “Gourmet food? What a lie!”
On our journey to Sydney
They served steak-and-kidney.
“You see? It’s just pie in the sky.”
*Revised Version*
I once caught the flu from a fly
who flew on my pie from on high.
I put down the coup
by slamming my shoe
into what has become shoefly pie.
Social Distancing Discussion At The “Senior Palace”
“I don’t want to make you feel small,
But my grandson’s the smartest of all.
Wears a mask, stays away
From people each day.
Not to brag, but he won’t even call”.
Back To The Senior Palace!
I’m 90, yet still do the bop!
Run around ev’ry day, it’s non-stop.
And “over the hill”
Is still quite a thrill.
Not to brag, but I got to the top.
OOPS! I messed it up!
I’m 90, yet still do the bop!
Run around ev’ry day, just non-stop!
I’m not “over the hill”
And it sure is a thrill:
Not to brag, but I’m still at the top.
No wonder she can’t catch a guy.
So mindlessly, she will imply:
His priority’s food
She’s too dumb to conclude
That the “way to his heart” is his fly.
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
I am good, I am great, I’m the best.
The speediest gun in the West
I don’t mean to skite
But tonight is the night
When I give the first lady a test..
A Life and Death Discussion: “Milly and Tilly”
“That bad cuticle! boy! did I run!
To “La Manicure”, had my nails done”.
“Mill, I had that too
Thought my life was just through.
Not to brag, but I called 911”.
Bragged A-rab the Arab to Iris
“I’m sick of this danged shitty virus..
But here in MY tent
I have camels to rent
And we all wipe our bums on papyrus”
It’s the end of the line for the “fly.”
A versatile word, so good bye.
There’s the favorite use,
he was often let loose.
The zipper and snake with one eye.
These kids today are smarter than we are. “bragging”
My one year old always aspired
To be rich, (do what’s ever required).
Her dream sure came true.
Then when she was 2,
Took up golf and was fully retired.
“Only I have the deal that you want,”
Says the braggart with ego to flaunt,
But I can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.
Supping soup, I observed, with a sigh,
When a fly came to give it a try.
It continued to sup
Till it supped it all up.
I complained, ‘there’s my soup in a fly!’
Quite disgustingly foul is the fly,
And its standards of hygiene aren’t high.
It walks on the poo,
Even eats the stuff too,
Then it spits bits of poo on the pie.
I will never endeavor to try
To ever out-clever this fly.
Nor will I dissever
His head from whatever.
However, I do wish he’d die.
2 Seniors Coming Home From A Long Day :)
“Gotta’ walk up 2 steps, what a climb!
After all, I am not in my prime!”
“Dear, I climb them too,
But I’ve one up on you:
Not to brag, but it takes me less time”.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 479. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Bread.
Two seatmates who hated to fly
Sought solace while up in the sky;
Their hand-holding led
To an upgrade, a bed,
And membership in the Mile High.
I have filled Auntie’s car with cement.
She was mean and I needed to vent.
Though her tires went flat,
(I just couldn’t help that)
I made nary a scratch nor a dent.