Limerick-Off Award (478)
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Went out for a bike ride today;
Some fairly steep hills on the way.
Now it hurts when I walk;
If my muscles could talk,
They’d tell me that climb doesn’t pay.
Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Special REPAIRS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I’ve promised to fix the veneer, dear;
I’ve told you I would loud and clear, dear.
Do try to be kinder
And skip the reminder
You give me in August each year, dear.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE and SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Your mechanic did not fix my heat!
It still doesn’t work! What deceit!
He’s surely to blame.
What the hell is his name?
All I know is this guy’s got 2 feet”.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Well, you’re not the first person to whine
About Gregor’s Repair Shop on Vine.
I’ve had work done by Greg —
Cost an arm and a leg!
In fact, one of those feet may be mine.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Rudy Landesman, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, Jean McEwen, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REPAIRS LIMERICKS)
Rudy Landesman:
From your dreams of true love you’ve awoken,
And your poor tender heart has been broken.
Confucius would say:
“Just throw it away.
I don’t know what the hell you’ve been smokin’.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Tim James:
What’s a tuffet? Seems no one can say,
Though Miss Muffet besat one that day.
Also, what is a curd?
That’s a gross-sounding word.
Would YOU ever eat one? No whey!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
In a warehouse near Richmond, VA,
Is a statue of Lee, stored away.
So huge is its torso —
The head even more so —
Is there room for those big feet of clay?
Bob Turvey:
There was a young lady named Mona —
So pretty that you’d want to clone her.
Said da Vinci, “I’m gay.
You attract me? No way.”
She smiled at the size of his boner.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
A cruise is a grand way to float.
You can travel to places remote.
But you’ll sure feel dismay
When it’s over; you’ll weigh
The very same weight as the boat.
Dave Johnson:
Paul Simon, way back in the day,
Recorded “Slip Slidin’ Away.”
Perhaps that refrain
Was the key to explain
Why Garfunkel never would stay.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A guy whom she’d snubbed ev’ry day,
Was finally prompted to say,
“So would it be better
To write you a letter?”
“Oh yes,” she said, “Far and away.”
Mark Totterdell:
In a rage at the freedom forbidd’n’er,
I released from her cage the echidna,
And I took her away,
And I just wouldn’t say
To her keepers just where I had hidd’n’er.
Brian Allgar:
Said Abbott: “I’m happy to say
That abortion is banned from today.
A son or a daughter
Aborted? Report her!
Ten thousand’s the bounty we’ll pay.We’ve made it illegal to slay
The unborn – no exceptions, okay?
Life is sacred, we’ve sworn …
But once they are born,
Protect them from Covid? No way!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (REPAIRS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
My car fell apart when I floored it.
That estimate! Couldn’t afford it.
Oh, man! Did I groan!
Promptly took out my phone.
But “Auto-Correct” just ignored it
Terry Marter:
She transformed it, – the gown of her dreams
Reconstructed in white, beige and creams.
I shouldn’t disparage
But like her first marriage
It’s falling apart at the seams.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve this habit so fixed, I can’t nix it:
Something breaks, so I buy parts to fix it.
I remake and re-break it
Until I must take it
Away. Then I pay to deep-six it.
Jean McEwen:
I am trying to snake out the shit
From my toilet, but get but a bit
To go down. Must I plunge
To expunge all the grunge?
(I’m no plumber, I’ll have to admit.)
Bob Turvey:
There was a young chappie called Mike
Who went out for a ride on his bike.
At the thirty-mile juncture
KER-BLAM – what a puncture!
(Repair kit at home – what a hike!)
Lisi Nortman:
Broke my mirror, it fell to the floor.
Couldn’t fix it, I screamed and I swore.
7 years of Bad Luck!
That surely did suck.
But my lawyer reduced it to four.
Dave Johnson:
The sound engineer has been bragging
’Bout all of the women he’s “bagging”.
Extolling his kicks,
He now has to fix
Distortion from band members gagging.
Steve Benko:
“So limp? Lie right down, this I’ll fix,”
Said the hooker. “I know some good tricks.”
And ’twas all systems go
In the hands of a pro;
His old willy had not crossed the Styx.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
