Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: September 18, 2021)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to REPAIRS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best REPAIRS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on September 19, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 18, 2021, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my WAY/WEIGH/WHEY/AWAY RHYME-rhyme limerick:
Using glitter is never judicious;
Though supposedly festive, it’s vicious.
Try to scrub it away?
It’s determined to stay
And will never obey; it’s pernicious.
And here’s my REPAIRS-themed limerick:
A gal with a cherished antique,
Tried to fix it; alas, her technique
Is haphazard at best.
She putters with zest,
But her quest for its rescue looks bleak.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Antiques Humor, Competition Limerick, Glitter, Home Repair Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Repairs Limerick, Writing Prompts
You can use liquid nitrogen spray
To burn penile warts clean away.
But my doc used too much …
Things went cold to the touch …
That’s why I’m a lady today.
There was a young chappie called Mike
Who went out for a ride on his bike.
At the thirty-mile juncture
KER-BLAM – what a puncture!
(Repair kit at home – what a hike!)
There was a young lady named Mona —
So pretty that you’d want to clone her.
Said da Vinci, “I’m gay.
You attract me? No way.”
She smiled at the size of his boner.
Inside many words that we say,
Rude parts are quite hidden away.
I mean; the word HOARSE
Contains something COARSE;
And I daren’t say what’s in SATURDAY.
(And don’t forget arsenic and Scunthorpe.)
A news channel found out today
That part of its staff didn’t stay.
In fact, they were vexed
On receiving his text;
The message read “Anchor’s away!”
Miss Kane sat outside in the quay,
was drinking her smoothie today.
A horrible writer,
sat down beside her.
And frightened Miss Kane far away.
“Under The Car” Repairs
“Your mechanic did not fix my heat!
It still doesn’t work; what deceit!
I know he’s to blame
And just what is his name?
All I know is this guy’s got 2 feet”.
“She’s a kook, and there’s none to compare!
As her doctor, she gives me a scare!
I said, “OH! What you weigh!”
And to my dismay,
She stood there and snipped off her hair”.
Past-Life Airlines, aka De Ja Vu Airlines
If you take “Past-Life Airlines” (they say),
You’ll be flying “round ticket one way”
You might get real confused
Or perhaps, quite enthused.
When you come back the previous day.
Said Abbott: “I’m happy to say
That abortion is banned from today.
A son or a daughter
Aborted? Report her!
Ten thousand’s the bounty we’ll pay.
We’ve made it illegal to slay
The unborn – no exceptions, okay?
Life is sacred, we’ve sworn …
But once they are born,
Protect them from Covid? No way!”
These Windows updates are no joke; it
Just happened again when I woke. It
Appears that those jerks
Are upset when it works –
Since it didn’t need fixin’, they broke it.
A Turkish mob once caused delay
To the car of His Highness the Bey.
Until a cheesemaker,
Acting as peacemaker,
Removed all the Kurds from the way.
I consider, not in a condemning way,
That the tragic self-slaughter of Hemingway
Might have been better done,
Not by means of a gun,
But a jump from a cliff in the lemming way.
In a rage at the freedom forbidd’n’er,
I released from her cage the echidna,
And I took her away,
And I just wouldn’t say
To her keepers just where I had hidd’n’er.
A hunter supreme is the goshawk,
It’s the king of the woods, it’s the boss hawk,
So just rarely its prey
Somehow gets clean away,
But that doesn’t half make it a cross hawk.
“I don’t care why you’ve called. Please don’t say!
I’m in no mood to hear. I’m distrait.
Call again? If you must.
As I’ve said, I’m not fussed.
My response will not change. Go away!”
What’s a tuffet? Seems no one can say,
Though Miss Muffet besat one that day.
Also, what is a curd?
That’s a gross-sounding word.
Would YOU ever eat one? No whey!
After milk has been curdled and strained
A liquid called whey’s what’s remained
Solid curds and the whey
Used in foods every day
Yes you eat them but don’t know the way.
Hickory Knoll Church, Louisiana (Repairs)
My shoe had a very deep hole.
So I hurried to Hickory Knoll.
Showed the Pastor my shoe.
And this really was true:
Just like magic, he saved my poor sole.
Car Repairs: Bad Luck
My car fell apart when I floored it.
Got an estimate; couldn’t afford it.
Oh, man, did I groan.
Promptly took out my phone.
But “Auto-Correct” just ignored it.
The Mean TSA
Before your real steep flight ascends,
The TSA surely offends!
Don’t like going away,
Cuz I’m positive they
Will strip-search, (I need my Depends).
To Lisi re: “Under the Car” :)
Well, you’re not the first person to whine,
About Gregor’s Repair Shop on Vine.
I’ve had work done by Greg —
Cost an arm and a leg!
In fact, one of those feet may be mine.
Funny Limerick, Sjaan! (and thank you)
Syllable Correction: “Car Repairs, Bad Luck” (L2) 1:46 today
My car fell apart when I floored it.
That estimate! Couldn’t afford it.
Oh, man! Did I groan!
Promptly took out my phone.
But “Auto-Correct” just ignored it.
A tricky Electrics repair
I could tell would require utmost care
When I poked the wrong place
It blew up in my face
Now I’ve parts on both sides of my hair.
correcting a few mistakes. Determined to improve.
Miss Kane sat outside in the quay,
she was drinking her smoothie today.
A horrible writer,
sat down right beside her.
And frightened Miss Kane far away.
I’m over it (writing ’bout Lune)
Refreshing new rhyme words, – a boon.
I’ve been thinking all day
Of an end use for Whey
Line four’s ok. Here? ‘Whey’ too soon.
Title : Bye Bye Bay Bay
There was an old man who would bay
At the moon when he was on his way
With a late night six pack
But, they gave him no slack
Sirens blaring they took him away.
So he wrote to the P.M. to say:
” Look, I’m happy as Lot every day,
I keep the cops busy,
So much, they are dizzy,
Cause the Lord said:” keep loving this way.”
Waiting In Line: Such Fun
It’s vacation time! How ’bout the sea?
Or perhaps a nice trip to Capri.
But Disney World: HEY!
Oh please stay away!
In brief, it’s your town’s DMV.
A record some stations would play:
“They’re Coming to Take Me Away.”
This “song” was so bad,
Many listeners had
An earache the rest of the day.
According To thestar.com
“Clown Graveyard” is not very far.
As said by bizarre “Daily Star”
“When clowns pass away,
All his “clown friends” then pray
At the crypt, all from one bitsy car.
“Bizarre Airways” Is Even Creepier Than Past-Life Airlines”
If you take “Bizarre Airways”, (they say)
You’ll be flying round trip, and one way.
You might get confused.
And not real enthused
When you come back the previous day.
Her baby is well on his way;
He’ll debut soon, without much delay.
He’s arriving quite early,
Which made his mom surly.
It fits, though: today’s Labor Day.
this morning I stress ate away.
I’m scared now to see what I weigh.
Must stop soul beating
and control my eating
or sit in the bathroom all day!
Many teens just rely with “no way,”
all my niece seems to utter today.
But tonight more refined,
to response where to dine.
I ask “Fisherman’s Wharf?” “Oh, no quay!”
Whoops. L1 and L3.
Many teens just reply with “no way,”
all my niece seems to utter today.
But tonight more refine,
to response where to dine.
I ask “Fisherman’s Wharf?” “Oh, no quay!”
A confidence trickster one day,
conned a prostitute out of her pay.
The Con kept his dough, –
claimed the Pro failed the Blow.
Pros and Cons both have raised points to weigh.
We bought an old grandfather clock;
That renders a tick but no tock.
It seems that the fix –
Adding tocks to the ticks,
Requires a key for the lock.
The cabinet’s look is sublime;
It still has that wonderful chime.
But minus the cost
Of repairing what’s lost,
It’s ticking one-half of the time.
Repairs
The doorbell won’t work, (no suppliers).
And thus, I have lost all my buyers.
Now I’ve put up a note,
And on it I wrote:
“To enter, connect all the wires”
A buttered-up pound cake au lait,
With whipped cream — to my utter dismay —
Weighs way more than a pound!
But I’ve still downed that mound.
Should’ve asked, “By the way, what’s whey weigh?”
The Styx song “Come sa-il Away,”
wanted radio showcase that day.
Knew program directors,
were cocaine detectors.
These “penguins” like “snow,” gave song play.
I Think I Was Ripped Off
I heard a real quirky “ding ding”
In my car, (what a puzz-a ling thing!)
The mechanic said, “Honey,
Please give me more money
Cuz I also repaired your pling pling”.
“Tailor Isaac Singer”
Tailor said, “You’re the girl of my dreams”.
In his eyes, all the warmth for me gleams.
He repairs all my clothes
With such love, that it shows.
(Special effort for me, sew it seams).
I’ve this habit so fixed, I can’t nix it:
Something breaks, so I buy parts to fix it.
I remake and re-break it
Until I must take it
Away. Then I pay to deep-six it.
“My teeth hurt. So, what’s that about?”
My dentist, he had little doubt.
“There’s no other way.
Your teeth are O.K.,
But your gums simply have to come out.”
I’ve promised to fix the veneer, dear;
I’ve told you I would loud and clear, dear.
Do try to be kinder
And skip the reminder
You give me in August each year, dear.
When the dairy girl asked him to stay,
In the barn, for a roll in the hay,
She said, “Sit on my stool
And I’ll straddle your tool,
I can finish the milking that way.”
When the dairymaid asked him to stay,
In the barn, for a roll in the hay,
She said, “Sit on my stool
And I’ll straddle your tool,
I can finish the milking that way.”
Mad: this version with “dairymaid” please and thank you.
At last, we were going away,
But encountered a minor delay.
A cop checked for weed.
He then said, “Proceed”.
We said, “Thanks! have a nice drugged-up day”.
We’re having some real smoky days;
Our mountains obscured by the haze.
Predicted to stay,
It just won’t go away;
With climate change, that’s how it plays.
A guy whom she’d snubbed ev’ry day,
Was finally prompted to say,
“So would it be better
To write you a letter?”
“Oh yes,” she said, “Far and away.”
“The Book Nook”
I mended an old tattered chair.
Came out lousy; I started to swear.
So I went to “The Nook”
And bought me a book,
Called “Repair What You Tried to Repair”.
Said a tea-loving artist one day
I’ve been stashing my tea leaves away.
It’s my Medium, – Look!
I’ve depicted a book
It’s called “Fifty shades of Earl Grey”.
The portrait of Dorian Gray
Is withered and faded away;
The porn that young Dor
Had filmed with that whore
Is quite disappointing today.
Unfulfilled, Abigail said
To the guy by her side in her bed,
“The Pill every day
Keeps babies away,
But it won’t get your ass off my spread.”
A young virile elephant, Link,
Once fell in love with a mink;
The sex was okay
But he shot her away
And now she’s in Cleveland, I think.
At Hormel, the tech guys are fiends
Having trouble with all the machines
They try every day
To clear it away
But can’t keep the spam off their screens.
There once was a terrible ogre
Who said, “While this sounds a bit vulgar,
I grab a good lay
Down in Far Far Away
But I still get my groceries at Kroger.”
A book printer learned one sad day
His workers all wanted more pay
And when he said no
They all turned to go
Wordlessly walking away.
On My Way To The Fifth Dimension
Control Tower To Pilot:
“We don’t have your flight plan today!
So here on the ground you must stay!
Unless, Mr. Boeing,
We know where you’re going”
“I’m going up up and away”.
The drug-sniffing dogs out in Reno
Wend their way through each casino
Though they never stray
Somewhere on the way,
They start to think they’re Al Pacino.
“You are,” I hear my dog declare,
“The worst owner I am aware —
You teach stupid tricks
And what you had fixed
Wasn’t in need of repair!”
Her beach wear demands some repair,
it no longer secures derriere.
The stylist say, “Weight,
just wait on that plate!
Let’s talk all about the eclair.”
I am trying to snake out the shit
From my toilet, but get but a bit
To go down. Must I plunge
To expunge all the grunge?
(I’m no plumber, I’ll have to admit.)
In Texas, forthwith, girls must pay
When they let boys go all of the way.
Should they find themselves late,
The Court now deems their fate
Will be one about which they’ve no say.
It was clear with the statue unpacked,
during transport it suffered and cracked.
To accomplish repair,
not even some prayer.
Could help David get penis he lacked.
Look here! Take this bagel away.
I hope you don’t think I will pay.
It’s bad beyond words.
The cream cheese? All curds.
And the lox is just swimming in whey.
“A head crash has screwed me,” he said.
“My computer is totally dead.
They can’t fix it. Our techs
Are a lot like my ex:
They just can’t provide any good head.”
September 8, 2021 at 9:19 am
A sailor at sea on the briny
Was dismayed ’cause his penis was tiny;
But since he was gay,
He did find a way
To make fruitful use of his heinie.
(Don’t know where that “moderation” comment above came from.
***********
From Mad Kane:
My blog’s anti-spam software automatically puts comments/limericks into “moderation” when they use words associated with spam. And “penis” is one of those words. When a comment/limerick goes into moderation I’m notified and rescue it (unless it’s really spam, of course.)
At this time, I’m indeed at wits end.
There is danger I just can’t transcend.
I knelt down to pray:
“Keep the bad guys away”
Worked so well that I don’t have one friend.
The sound engineer has been bragging
‘Bout all of the women he’s “bagging”.
Extolling his kicks,
He now has to fix
Distortion from band members gagging.
Repairs
My “hubby” and I had a spat
‘Bout an issue we just can’t combat.
I said, “Fix the loo!”
He said, “No! what we’ll do
From now on we’ll go with the cat.”
Intellectual Dinner-Time Conversation
Right after we sit down and pray,
Mama always remembers to say
To my dear daddy, Stan
The town’s “handy man”
“Did you fix any toilets today?”
Thank goodness! Our Benny is coming!
Just listen, I hear his van humming.
He never is late.
I think it’s so great.
We’ve great trust in Ben Dover Plumbing.
correction of above limerick, so as not to use “great” twice
Thank goodness! our Benny is coming!
Just listen, I hear his van humming!
We can always rely
On this wonderful guy.
We’ve great trust in “Ben Dover Plumbing”.
“Repairing” the reputation of the humble prune.
Most associate prunes with their stool,
what a marketing nightmare, so cruel.
Now it’s packaged “dried plum”,
still superb for you, chum.
A solution “old school” now it’s cool.
It Ain’t McDonald’s
There’s a burger place down by the bay.
I think I’ll have lunch there today.
I might want it plain,
Or with cheese or romaine.
Come what may, I shall have it my way.
I will see Wilhelmina today.
I surely could use a good lay.
She always say, “no”,
But I’ll never let go.
Cause when there’s a will, there’s a way.
Have I got some great news for you!
You’re looking for something that’s new?
It’s coming our way,
Could be any day,
That variant of Covid called Mu.
Frank Sinatra
Substantially more than okay,
Towards the end, he just needed to say:
I’ve “loved, laughed and cried”
Never went with the tide.
I did what I wanted “My Way”.
When it’s sharpen-a-limerick day —
Time to hone an A-A-B-B-A —
A writer with sense’ll
Apply a red pencil.
But not me. I just scribble away.
She transformed it, – the gown of her dreams
Reconstructed in white, beige and creams
I shouldn’t disparage
But like her first marriage
It’s falling apart at the seams.
Mama thinks she can sing, but oy veh!
She sounds like a horse’s neigh neigh.
In our ears a shrill ring!
We begged her to sing
Ms. Carole King’s “So Far Away”.
The new couple upstairs yesterday
Dragged in an old bed from the bay
They (and bed) won’t stop bonking
While trucks drive by honking.
My ceiling’s now crumbling away.
So I’m off to Hawaii today.
I’ll be leaving my woes by the way.
I need a good fuck,
but knowing my luck
I’ll just Lie all alone with my Lei.
My husband comes running upset,
by something he read, I can bet.
Seems his shirts are passe,
toss Hawaiians away.
Or wear at the beach with Annette.
Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon, those crazy kids.
It’s time that I nosh on more fruit,
like prunes, though too many I toot.
I’ll eat them today,
constipation, no way.
Makes everything fly through the chute.
I predict on my “spring cleaning” day,
What my spouse (fresh from napping) will say.
First he’ll glance at the heap,
Then pronounce (half asleep),
“We may need it. Don’t throw it away.”
I was running, but not looking where,
When my head hit a post, hard and square.
The emergency crew
Fixed me up good as new.
But the post was beyond all repair.
The Pros and Cons of a Cruise
A cruise is a grand way to float.
You can travel to places remote.
Yet, you’ll sure feel dismay
When it’s over, you’ll weigh
The very same weight as the boat.
With dilemmas we face every day
Could science show which way to sway?
‘Black & White’ cancels out
So the question, – no doubt
Is just How much do Pros and Cons weigh?
It’s lovely in calm Bora Bora.
It brings forth a sweet soothing aura.
“The Ideal Getaway”
For those who can pay.
But not for the real pora pora.
An inquisitive spider astray,
Spied a young girl enjoying her whey.
He startled Miss Muffet:
“What the hell is a Tuffet?”
She ran Off, – not been seen to this day.
“Sweet” Aunt Myrtle again with re-gift.
A large turtle, this time, I’m so miffed.
It’s not running away.
How far could it stray?
Was bamboozled, just face it, got stiffed.
Paul Simon, way back in the day,
Recorded “Slip Slidin’ Away”.
Perhaps that refrain
Was the key to explain
Why Garfunkel never would stay.
My boss is a sickening slob.
And not only that, he’s a snob.
Gives me 2 weeks away.
And I truly can say:
For that time span, I sure love the job.
The gourmet and wife had souffle.
Then spaghetti and steak for today.
I was certain they’d pop.
But chose not to stop.
That’s how couple had foreplay their way.
From your dreams of true love you’ve awoken,
And your poor tender heart has been broken.
Confucius would say:
“Just throw it away.
Don’t know what the hell you’ve been smokin’.”
I think that I might be insane.
Cuz something is wrong with my brain.
I was feelin’ okay.
Things were coming my way.
Till I saw I was in the wrong lane.
Unrepairable
Broke my mirror, it fell to the floor.
Couldn’t fix it, I screamed and I swore.
7 years of Bad Luck!
That surely did suck.
But my lawyer reduced it to four.
He’ll always remember that day;
The question: “How much do you weigh?”
Her answer was brief,
Causing all kinds of grief;
That’s how it was fractured, they say.
If the replicate virus allowed,
The scientist Fauci avowed.
Can lead to mutation,
More variant nation.
Don’t be part of unvac’nated crowd.
Went out for a bike ride today;
Some fairly steep hills on the way.
Now it hurts when I walk;
If my muscles could talk,
They’d tell me that climb doesn’t pay.
“Alexa, what’s time of the day?”
“It’s five o’clock – oh, by the way,
I have a short quiz
So go on – take a whiz;
I’ll know when you’re ready to play.”
Repairs
My “hubby” has endless ambition.
He’s fine’ly accomplished his mission.
Great skill he sure has.
I’m so proud he’s known as:
“The World’s Greatest Duct Tape Technician”
There once was a Russian named Limerickoff,
Whose weapon was not the Kalashnikov.
His rhymes (not today)
Blew his rivals away.
His anapests, lethal. Not merely fluff.
I fell flat on my face. Right away,
I heard optimists say, “She’s okay.”
Passing pessimists said,
“She’d be better off dead.”
I just swooned and crooned, “Have a nice day.”
You made dinner, a Beef Stroganoff.
It was great! A success! Mazel tov.
So what do you think?
Can you fix me a drink?
A cocktail concocted by Molotov.*
One part vodka, two parts borscht. Stir, never shake!
A fellow who went his own way
Enjoyed lots of lays every day;
Often three in one night,
Which some said just ain’t right.
But then why should they have any say?
My friend’s Mixed up with drugs AND my bloke.
I’m in need of repair, my heart’s broke.
So right now I’ll go mix
My favourite fix –
Sev’ral bourbons, some flicks, and a Toke.
When craving a hamburger fix,
Seattle sits high in the mix.
Most residents know
Where it’s all good to go;
They love hanging out with some Dick’s
(Dick’s Drive-Ins – the best)
California Here We Come!
I suggest that you all go away
To a state which is now and then “gray”.
Yet when the smog clears,
A whole city appears.
And fine-a-ly UCLA.
Mac Gyver’s new wife in good hands,
Has a match, cigarettes and two fans,
There are candles and gin,
Some Duct tape, he’s come in.
She’s in bed, and aware of his plans.
Why does Santa start shopping in May?
It takes months to load the whole sleigh.
He’s watching for deals.
Looks at wish list appeals.
Then, no emotional baggage to weigh.
TV Guy in the booth looked at me
And said “Standby, – you’re on-air in three”.
I said “Your man‘s not there –
I’m just fixing his chair”
Then “Oh! – Hello Mum, look – it’s Me!”
My Lim’rick ‘bout gardening care
Is “apparently” needing repair.
Saying Spade (meaning shovel)
Dug a hole full of trouble
From a bot that’s not context-aware.
I sat down, with my thoughts far away,
When I suddenly felt a strong spray
From beneath. Oh my God!
It felt totally odd.
What’s this weirdness they call a bidet?
In a warehouse near Richmond, VA,
Is a statue of Lee, stored away.
So huge is its torso —
The head even more so —
Is there room for those big feet of clay?
Got married to Sheila in May.
Big mistake, she’s a pain in the “A”.
I put up a flyer:
“She’s free, why not try’er?”
(I can’t even GIVE her away).
I ask, “Doc, you erased all my lines?”
The doctor replies, “All the signs.”
He adds, “So improved.”
I say, “Nothing has moved.
And the face that’s revealed isn’t mine.”
That intern had known what’s at stake,
Ill-advised and colossal mistake.
Had he run out of time?
It’s a true kind of crime.
Duct tape horrendous for cake!
That intern had know what’s at stake.
How did Jay make colossal mistake?
He’s way out of line.
A funeral crime.
Duct tape, Miss Blake looks so fake!
Can do so many versions!
If you’re thinking of moving away,
Then it’s crucial to hear what I’ll say:
You’ll see boxes galore,
All over the floor.
And you never will find that blue tray.
Highway Driving
Most drivers these days are insane.
They certainly are a big pain.
When you’re going away,
You’ll encounter delay.
(The unconscious are in the left lane).
WEIGH, WAY, WHEY, AWAY
I want whey with my curds
But I can’t find the words
To call in the cattle:
It’s really a battle
To get them to come from their herds.
REPAIRS
So fixing a fuse is my task for today
It’s a serious job, not a game you should play
If minus and plus
Are too much of a fuss
A technician might show you the way.
WEIGH, WAY, WHEY, AWAY – Correction with whey as last word.
I really want curds with my whey
That’s what I was trying to say
But distraction by sheep
Sent my rhyming to sleep
It’s an error for which I will pay.
Ivermectin keeps COVID away!
Take your horse drugs, and do it today!
Step right up, buy that paste,
‘Cause there’s no time to waste!
(Unlike horses, the marks can’t say nay.)
When they towed Gramp’s old flivver away,
He inquired, “Say, where will she lay?”
“Old heaps we deliver,”
One said, “To the river.
We get fined for polluting the bay.”
My grandchild was drowning last spring!
Clutched my heart, what a terrible thing!
Just about passed away.
But some man saved the day.
Though he didn’t recover her ring.
Another Version
My grandchild was drowning last spring!
Oh my God! what a terrible thing!
Just about passed away,
But some man saved the day.
He was nice, but he’d stolen her ring.
Finally Moving To Florida. Good Bye, New York!
Don’t care how my kids are remarking.
A happier life, I’m embarking.
I moved far away,
But came back the next day.
Too bad, but there just was no parking.
A couple engaged an au pair.
And the missus was never aware.
But the hubby was found
To be messing around.
To court they would all soon repair.
I ask, “Lines are erased from my face?”
The doctor replies, “Not a trace.”
He adds, “So improved.”
I cry, “LOOK what you moved!
You put nose in my armpit disgrace!”
Certainly not board-certified or sane plastic surgeon.
Hopefully improved.
That intern had known what’s at stake.
How did Jay make colossal mistake?
Must have run out of time.
Call it funeral crime.
Poor Blake, with the Duct tape, looks fake.
I’m flying to Barnegat Bay.
Now I’ve crashed in a hole, (it’s okay)
Gave my son-in-law dough.
Said I’d give him more, so
I’ll be found; he will sure find a way.
Third Version
My daughter was drowning last Spring
It was surely a terrible thing.
Just about passed away,
But some man saved the day.
Didn’t thank him, cause where was her ring?
Seven decades ago, we’d all play
A new game at recess each day.
The reunion last week
Was certainly bleak.
Cause ev’ry one went the wrong way.
Hope there’s reindeer for Santa’s full sleigh.
Was that sound right behind me a bray,
A neigh or a snort?
I am here to report.
A donkey, an ass, go away.
At the Repair Shop:
“Your Crystal ball’s Foresight had blown,
But there’s This hidden feature” (I’m shown)
“Called Hindsight-Aplenty,
It’s all 20 / 20.
– ‘could have used it, – if only You’d known”.
I said “Thanks for the fix, take a bow.
This Hindsight’s amazing, – Oh Wow!
– ‘ would’ve charged them more dimes
to re-visit old times.
Looking back I can see it all now”.
The Old Bag: Me
My face needs repairs, (what to do?)
Prince Charming, Oh! just (where are You?)
I tried hopeless.com.
Saw a cute guy named Tom.
Sent a picture of me at age two.
Today’s Procedure, (true) except I didn’t use the doctor’s real name
I’m a lady with unequalled class.
I take pictures of flowers and grass.
But Doc Tush just today,
Took some pics his own way,
With a cam’ra that went up my ass.
(which I think could have reached Montana)
My rug needs repair, (it’s so weird).
Just what could have made it so smeared?
So I sprayed spot remover,
Pushed around my big Hoover.
It worked, but my dog disappeared.
Used Water Beds: Don’t Buy One!
Bought a water bed way back in May.
We were thrilled on that wonderful day.
We jumped in, then felt blue,
When we noticed that two
Piranhas were swimming our way.
My friend had to laugh, and then grin,
“You have comfort within your own skin.
The heart has some sway,
But your head gets its way.
Glad your not Queen Anne Boleyn.”
The Lone Ranger to Silver did croon.
“Hi-Yo”. That’s an old western tune.
He’d then ride away.
But sometimes would stay,
All night for a great Silver spoon.
Schlemille broke her knees while in prayer,
And her fists when she pounded on air.
She’d take out some loans
To fix all her bones,
But her credit’s in need of repair.
A veteran plumber named Jack
Is showing he still has the knack.
His customers blink
When he’s under the sink
And earnestly taking a crack.
I ask personal questions of friends,
On occasion I make an amends.
Get carried away.
Then flipping one day.
They asked, “Boxers or briefs?” “Ohhh, Depends.”
No more scattering ashes old way,
A device can be bought for the bay.
No more of achoo,
With your final adieu.
Biodegradable bamboo so no spray.
Short-Term Limerick Memory, (actually true)
I must jot down my “jokes” right away.
If I don’t, in my brain they won’t stay.
Now, I can’t find my pad,
Which makes me so sad.
And furthermore, wha’d I just say?
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Two thugs looked for old, easy prey,
A frail one, slowly on her way..
Thought they’d rob her for fun,
But she pulled out a gun!
“Go ahead! Punk brats! Make my day!”
Colonoscopy: Minor Adjustment
I’m a lady with unequalled class.
I take pictures of flowers and grass.
Doctor Tush, just today,
Took some pics his own way,
With a cam’ra he shoved up my ass.
Cast out unnecessary glut,
Superfluous stuff will get cut.
The words you can weigh,
To see what should stay.
Balancing humorous smut.
My wife said that she’d be away
For the weekend. I’d started to play
With a pretty young thing,
When there came a loud ring
At the door. Who could that be today?
I broke off in mid-intercourse
To see who it was. Well, of course,
My wife stood there. Jeez!
She’d forgotten her keys!
… I was bankrupted by the divorce.
A modern Miss Muffet would stay;
No spider could scare her away.
“Your butt I will kick,”
She would say, “for this schtick;
It’s my lunch! You can’t have it! No whey!”
correction
Cast out all confusion and glut.
Superfluous stuff will get cut.
The words you can weigh.
Decide what should stay.
To trigger a laugh from your gut.
Now my Dog is writing Limericks!
To repair my despair, my new owner
Has brought me a mate (from a donor).
A sexy French Poodle,
– a girl (there’s no Doodle)
I’m a candid canine with a boner!
“So limp? Lie right down, this I’ll fix,”
Said the hooker. “I know some good tricks.”
And ’twas all systems go
In the hands of a pro;
His old willy had not crossed the Styx.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 478. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Fly.