Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 24, 2021)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to VANITY, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best VANITY-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on July 25, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 24, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my TALE/TAIL/ENTAIL/CURTAIL-rhyme limerick:
I’ve a crime tale entailing a tail.
Who’s the target? A male out on bail.
Law enforcement, you see,
Was convinced he would flee.
But their quarry just likes a good sail.
And here’s my VANITY-themed limerick:
A fellow who’d constantly train
Did it mostly because he was vain.
He’s paid a steep price
To simply look nice:
At thirty he’s using a cane.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Crime, Crime and Punishment, Exercise, Health Limericks, Humorous Tales, Law And Order, Law Enforcement, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Men's Vanity, Poetry & Prompts, Tails Humor, Vanity, Vanity Humor, Working Out, Writing Prompts
When I carved a large wooden gosander,
I was able to use my nosander.
A large knob near the tail
Proclaimed it as male –
And confirmed that it was a sprosgander.
Who Is This “Man of the Year?”
“The truth, before long will prevail.”
“Have you noticed I never can fail?”
“In the Wolverine state,
They all cheered, “You Are great!”
And between my legs, always a tail.
If you’re having trouble answering limerick #2, here is some help.
“Who Is This?”
If you think that you look a bit pale,
Don’t worry, or whimper, or wail.
It’s only the flu.
Believe me, that’s true.
And I never have told a tall tale.
Looking pretty is certainly tough.
All that make-up! (It’s never enough)
But now with my mask,
It’s not such a task.
Cuz I don’t need that over-priced stuff.
Aunt Kay fan of Chippendale,
Las Vegas the Holy Grail.
We gave her the answer,
she shrieked chair not dancer.
Aunt roared no sale curtail.
When you’re 20, you try hard to glow.
When you’re 30, you must look “just so”
As the decades go by,
The less crap you apply.
Honey, put on that red hat and GO!
OR
When you’re 20, you try hard to “glow”
When you’re 30, you must look “just so”
As the decades go by,
The less crap you apply.
Till you put on a red hat and GO!
************
That reminds me: Many years ago, while visiting my brother and my parents in North Carolina, Mark and I found ourselves on an elevator filled with women wearing elaborate red hats and fancy outfits. It turns out, that our hotel was the location of the annual convention of the Red Hat Society. The hotel was packed with hundreds of middle aged and elderly women all decked out in red hats and purple outfits. Red Hat Society
He Reflects, at the pool where he’s lying,
He’s in love with himself (can’t stop sighing)
The youthful Narcissus
With no loving Missus
To prevent him from tragic’ly dying.
Narcissus admired his reflection
So much that he got an erection.
Was the guy really Gay
In the classical way
Or a product of Greek Myth-conception?
Pilot Joe’s stories entail,
flying while drinking cocktail.
Info that comes next,
makes me more perplexed.
His flight controls are in braille.
Brad was a dancing Chippendale,
hadn’t used PhD from Yale.
Career should begin,
although in the end.
Got more money wiggling tail.
Vanity to an extreme
“Priscilla! Run out! There’s a fire!!
“No siree! they will see me perspire!
I must always look pretty,
So please don’t take pity.
I will stay here until I expire.”
I’ll tell you a long hairy tale
Which does not entail any tail
Of a dog cat or rat
But COUNT upon that
Which the farmers wife set to curtail
Notoriously, She’s self obsessed
All her friends used to think ‘she’s the best’
She reflects: ‘Now they’re few
it’s no time get Blue’.
When her mirror smiles back she’s impressed!
Ted’s not good at all job entails,
lacking skill with hammer and nails.
Finished snug little bed,
comfy pillow for head.
Coffin nails always impales.
Elective Surgery
For my surgery, Doctor Jones tried
To be helpful and said he’d abide
To search all around
But “doc” never found
A smidgen of beauty inside.
The boutique couldn’t make it, did fail,
So next week will be forced to curtail
Operations for good.
It should be understood
They’ll be having a big clothes-out sale.
“In My Opinion”
Did “Toys R Us” actually fail?
Or is that a real whoppin’ tall tale?
If it’s true, I know why
They had to say “Bye”
That “Play Doh” was just too upscale.
Better watch your P’s and Q’s
their tails could confuse
like the L’s B’s G’s and T’s they entail
a place in history tale
with vowels, they’re not so abstruse
She said, as he fondled her tits,
(In this limerick) “I love you to bits”
But her plan did entail
Lots of gore and entrail
So it’s Not what he Thought, but it fits.
“I’m Not Pretty”
My tears were all over Mom’s shoulder.
The boys I like couldn’t be colder.
I try and I try
But must say that I
Never saw one with eyes of beholder.
Correction of Syllables, limerick #12
“Vanity To An Extreme”
Priscilla! Run out! There’s a fire!
“No Sue, they will see me perspire!
I must always look pretty.
So please don’t take pity.
I’ll stay here until I expire.”
“A True Virgin Until The Honeymoon”
“Oh Johnny, you’re such a hot male.
So gently, please take off my veil.
I’ve heard now’s the time
To do “The Sublime”
Just what does my service entail?”
From Today: “I’m Not Pretty” 1:19 PM (better meter)
My tears are all over Mom’s shoulder.
The boys who I like can’t be colder.
And you can sure bet
I still haven’t met
That one with the eyes of beholder.
Thoughts on messiness lately entail
Me comparing myself to a snail.
Though we both would be neat,
And keep messes discreet,
There we go again, leaving a trail.
Vanity: A girl and her memories
The Peace Corps was sure not relaxing!
I wanted to serve, although taxing.
Soon after I quit.
It was not a good fit.
What kind of place doesn’t do waxing?
“My latest drag outift’s chinchilla
inspired by the Duchess Camilla.
Just look how I’m styling,
completely beguiling!”
“Girl, please! You look more like Godzilla!”
“Daily Update”
My Darling, I’m starting to fail.
And also I feel very frail.
I’ve misplaced my cane.
My whole body’s in pain.
And that is today’s old wives’ tale.
Come in close! I will tell you a tale
Of Prince Vlad, who, when irked, did not rail.
He referred sharp reproof.
“No point hitting the roof.
When I need to chastise, I impale.”
Only vanity mirrors are kind,
As the don’t show the truth but remind
Of those days sans chagrin –
You had only one chin –
And your features were taut and unlined.
Some say that Trump will prevail,
And be reinstated, they hail,
On August thirteen
By forces unseen,
In a seriously improbable tale.
Only vanity mirrors are kind,
As they do not betray but are blind.
They remember your youth
Whilst ignoring the truth –
That you’re sagging in body and mind.
Fox TV show host Sean Hannity,
Stokes the right-wing’s insanity
By spreading hot air,
Not seeming to care
That he’s recklessly fueling Trump’s vanity.
“To believe that you won is pure vanity,”
Said Bill Barr (I’ve cleaned up his profanity*).
A real kick in the shin
Came when Stormy chimed in,
“It’s like saying you’ve got big anatomy.”
*from Newsweek: William Barr, the former U.S. Attorney General, reportedly pulled no punches as he tore into Donald Trump’s claims of widespread election fraud, insisting: “It was all bull****.”
I wish I was born with a tail.
Oh much joy that would entail
to cure my imbalance,
have my work look more gallant
and smack down fools off of my trail!
Said a drunk who was headed to jail:
“Hey! Her Honor’s a nice piece of tail!”
It’s a shame that she heard
Ev’ry odious word;
Now he’s looking at REALLY high bail.
Ruth wasn’t careful today,
too much makeup on display.
Together it clashes,
oh no it’s the lashes.
She looked like Tammy Faye.
If you’re even the slightest bit vain,
Every mirror’s a source of great pain.
They insult – it’s so rude! –
I’m convinced they collude,
And they’re deaf when you try to explain
“A large dog with a human female,”
Said Fido, “is porn’s Holy Grail.
There’s no ifs, ands, or buts;
Though you’ve cut off my nuts,
When I see it, I wag my cur-tail.”
My eating I have to curtail,
For this morning I stepped on the scale.
And it said, “With your flab,
You’d be chased by Ahab.”
I’m Caucasian, and cried a White Wail.
Ev’ry night Mack, the Manx, starts to wail,
A long saga of loss and travail.
Then the end is cut short,
And he stops with a snort.
Seems that Mack has lost track of his tale.
Come in close! I will tell you a tale
Of Prince Vlad, who, when irked, did not rail.
He preferred sharp reproof.
“No point hitting the roof.
When I need to chastise, I impale.”
I missed the ‘p’ in preferred first time around.
The Ultimate Snob
“Those pipes are most simply insanity.
So ugly, they’re close to profanity!
Though the faucets are chrome,
We cannot buy this home.
I must have a sink with some vanity.”
Correction of above limerick (L5)
“House Hunting; The Ultimate Snob”
“Those pipes are most simply insanity.
So ugly, they’re close to profanity!
Though the faucets are chrome,
We cannot buy this home.
How shameful! a sink with no vanity.”
In my youth every mirror was friend,
An ally on whom one could depend.
When it came, the betrayal –
A vicious portrayal –
Our alliance was brought to an end.
I could primp, comb and prance with the best.
I was huge when I puffed out my chest.
All my muscles, well-toned,
Were all tanned, oiled and honed,
But one hair out of place and I stressed.
The Misery Of Poverty
Even though I have worked with travail,
Had to buy my new Rolls-Royce on sale.
Just domestic wines now,
I sure don’t know how
There’s another way I can curtail.
“We’re already late for the show.
And like always, you’re dreadfully slow.”
“10 more minutes, my dear.
Please relax, have no fear.
I have just one more eyelash to go.”
To the mirror that hung on the wall,
She asked, “Who’s the fairest of all?”
“It’s that girl with the dwarfs;
Better head to Bergdorf’s,”
It replied, “for you look like DeGaulle.”
Role Model Color: “Fancy Hair Salon” (Vanity)
“Please color my hair “Orange Cheesy.”
“Mrs. Twitler, you’re making me queasy.”
“Well, if that’s how you feel,
You ain’t got no deal.
I’ll just have to go to “Real Sleazy”
True Fact: In the 17th. Century, Sled Dogs were cannibalistic and ate other dogs for extra “fuel”
Check out on Google and see how it was discovered.
My limerick: “Dog Eat Dog, 3 Dogs, 2 Are Best Friends”
“We’re here on the Great Arctic Trail.
A female today, Spot, or male?”
“Well, I mostly eat loin,
So let’s flip a coin
And see who gets the head or the tail.”
Thank you, Carly Simon.
Admit to my faults? I’m too vain.
To hide them I do take great pain.
You simply can’t doubt me,
This lim’rick’s about me.
You’re laughing? I warn you! Abstain!
My Favorite Of All
I lay there and started to wail.
My “angel” looked so vey pale.
But with one tender kiss,
Her life became bliss.
(“Sleeping Beauty”, my loved fairytale.)
Hairdresser, I know you live near,
so you Must come and visit me Here
I look a disgrace
There’s a hair out of place,
It’s the fourth one above my left ear.
When my Corgi Dog runs down the trail,
I watch her and then become pale.
I know it is wrong,
But I’m up all night long,
Won’dring why Sweetie Pie has no tail.
In my mirror, i cough and I wheeze
Working wonders right down to my knees
Then I slowly walk by;
Throw a smile and say “Hi”,
But the mirror just groans back “Oh Please…. “
Corgi Dog #2
When my Corgi Dog runs down the trail,
I watch her and then become pale.
I know it is wrong,
But I’m up all night long,
Won’dring , “Where has she misplaced her tail?”
Corgi Dog #3
When my Corgi Dog runs down the trail,
I watch her and then become pale.
I know it is wrong,
But I’m up all night long,
Won’dring, “Why did she chew off her tail?”
Pen a limerick, it simply entails
That the anapest beat never fails.
Then come up with a rhyme
That is truly sublime,
And your verse will receive hails—or wails.
A peacock parading his tail
Or a gaudily carapaced snail
I’ll emulate these
With bravado and ease
As soon as I get out of jail
Had a chat with myself (as you do)
Philosophic’ly deep through and through.
And conclude, on reflection,
I”m natural perfection.
My mirror “concurs” with my view.
There once was a lizard, a female,
Whose tail was snapped off by a tree snail
They told her, “Don’t fret,
A new one you’ll get,
But of course you will have to pay re-tail.”
There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love, joy, and peace…
If you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And several golden egg geese.
Lorena, on the forest trail,
Recalling the old fairy tale,
Scattered the rocks
With dissevered cocks
And found her way home without fail.
You say “beauty is only skindeep,”
(While injecting some serum from sheep,)
Nip and tuck here and there,
Hide the scars in your hair,
And your “beauty” needs yearly upkeep!
A Disclaimer (of sorts) as a precaution: I know you not, – but feel free to raise your hand if the cap fits. (If you’re vain enough! LOL).
Three verses.
(Wearing my ‘mischievous’ hat for this one!).
He brags about each feeble sonnet
In his “Thinking” cap, (Actual Bonnet!).
Loves himself, – won’t admit
that his Lim’ricks are shit,
But this Blog runs a list, and he’s on it!
Now you probably think “Sounds like Me”
Just don’t Rage and/or Exit your tree.
I Know it’s not You
If it were, you could Sue.
It’s a fictional list, and so’s “He”.
For this Sonnet-type well crafted Saga
I’ve awarded myself a large Lager.
I insist “My work’s Fine” in this thirteenth great line,
But my Bonnet needs be a size Larger.
“Chasing Issues”
Dearest Spot, you were eating some quail
And distrait on you quail-eating trail.
Pay attention, ‘ole chap.
I’ll just have to recap:
Your body’s attached to your tail.
“Vanity? Oh, no more than a phase.”
“Humph! In your case, a long-lasting craze.
Since you sprouted your pubes –
And those forty G boobs –
If you see your reflection, you gaze.”
“Is it vain to believe you’re a dish?
Or at best, am I just dishy-ish?”
“To be brutally blunt,
You’ve a passable front,
But your backside makes waves when you swish.”
He ate a rabbit then grew a tail
Start moving around like a snail
Tried to chop it off
At a very high-cost
He laid his tail onto a train’s rail
He told a fantastic tale
Of his adventures with captain krail
Finding gold and treasures at sea
And bags of a healing tea
Which they sold to pirates on the trail
A man was in love with his looks
His face covered all of his books
Wasn’t in need of a mate
He was his own date
Tried to change but he was hook
Eloquent Advice From Billy, AGE 5, To His Sister, AGE 4:
“Wisdom”
“Don’t tattle a tale, it ain’t swell.
A witch will come cause you a spell.
Then she’ll put you in jail,
For telling a tale.
Cuz that tale’s not a nice tale to tell.”
She was Vain, sexy, slinky and sleek
On her “Look” she spent almost a week
Then dated a Lout
Who did Not beat about
The proverbial Bush (so to speak).
Billy, age 5, sister, age 4 : Billy’s eloquent advice to his sister.
change in L4
“Wisdom”
“Don’t tattle a tale, it ain’t swell.
A witch will come cast you a spell.
Then she’ll put you in jail
For tattling a tale.
Cuz that tale’s not a nice tale to tell.”
Antisocial? Oh Gosh! No Siree!
It’s just that I’m very low-key.
I live on my own,
I’m routinely alone.
And I’m just so enchanted with me.
“It is vain to be vain, some would say.”
“But to change how you look? It may pay.”
“Plastic surgery? Sure.
But the pain you’ll endure –
And you can’t change what matters that way.”
Inspired by Lisi and Christina Rossetti.
“I do love me! I’ve counted the ways –
And the list took me several days.
I have charm and good looks:
Lovely eyes – I read books.
I do so hope this isn’t a phase.”
Said a languid young freshman at Yale,
“Target shooting – what does that entail?”
Said a Prof., “Well now son,
You are given a gun,
If you kill anyone – that’s a fail.”
Said Narcissus, “I’ve fallen in love,
And the two of us fit like a glove.”
But the blokes at the pub
Said, “Me boy, ‘ere’s the rub;
A mirror’s no good in the sack, guv.”
A skywriter I met in Rosedale,
Once told an incredible tale,
Of the time his best friend
Met an untimely end,
When commissioned to write ads in Braille.
Now, the problem this skywriter found –
Was he had to fly close to the ground –
So folk could touch each word
And what was absurd –
Was they all lived where tall trees abound.
But by dint of some brilliant flying
He wrote stuff to keep people buying.
And then he flew home
To his own aerodrome
Where he crashed and he ended up dying.
My indulgence still tends to prevail
In excessive traits I should curtail
Like two bottles of red
Before lurching to bed
With my nightcap, – a quart of pale ale.
The Heart surgeon’s pretty vain Daughter
Loved her Self so much more than she oughta
Many hours she’d pass
With an old looking-glass,
She just Loved it with All her Aorta.
“Polyphemus, you’ll have to learn braille!”
Said Odysseus. “Boys, let’s set sail!
For Penelope waits;
All her suitors want dates,
And their lifespans I plan to curtail.”
Rehearsal: Soprano Vanity
Most op’ra performers agree
That it’s hard to sustain a “High C”
In the great tragic “Norma”
The star will perform a
Dry run starting “me me me me”
Makes More Sense: Soprano Vanity (L5)
Most op’ra performers agree
That it’s hard to sustain a “High C”
In the great tragic “Norma”
The star will perform a
Dry run of a “me me me me”
Our lim’ricks are pointless and stale?
No use to just sit there and wail.
We could temporize
Or just plagiarize.
Don’t worry. I’m no tattle-tale.
When Narcissus first gazed in the pool.
He fell madly in love, the poor fool.
Never taking a wife,
Till the end of his life,
He remained where he was. Love is cruel.
Diagnosis: “Vanity”
“Mr. Trump, I have something to share
With you, so you’ll be well-aware.
The x-rays are back.
Your disease is called, “Wack”
Seems your ego’s in need of repair.”
If to beauty I want to be nearer,
The path couldn’t be any clearer.
I’m under its spell
(You can probably tell)
When I gaze, quite bewitched, in the mirror.
Poor Hoffmann, at love he did fail.
He drowned his great sorrow in ale.
But Offenbach’s knack
Would bring the wretch back
In an opera about his sad tale.*
*”The Tales of Hoffmann” by Jacques Offenbach
“I’m not “showy” in any which way.
And I never put on a display.
But ev’ry one tries
To spread nasty lies.
Cuz I’m much more alluring than they.”
I’m the prettiest girl in South Bend.
Ev’ry lady there I sure transcend.
But I do wonder why
Someone gorgeous as I
Has a problem with making a friend.
Of my beauty you’ve all heard enough,
So, last word. Being gorgeous is tough.
It’s a burden I bore
In those days, now of yore,
Till decline cast me down with the rough.
“I have never looked right in a dress,
Though I’ve tried many times to impress.
Do I bulge where I oughtn’t –
Come on! It’s important –
Or perhaps I just lack the finesse?”
My synapses flipped the wrong cog
Now my ‘Light’ will not shine through this fog.
My brain cells curtail
Bright ideas for a tale, –
They’re as ‘blind’ as an arc-welder’s dog.
Appointment At “Plastic Surgery”
“I’ve come to your wonderful place
Cuz I look like a total disgrace.”
“Well, of course, Mrs. Pest.
Just what’s your request?”
“I’d like a completely new face.”
(L5) Another Way To Put It. “Plastic Surgery”
“I’ve come to your wonderful place
Cuz I look like a total disgrace.”
“Well, of course, Mrs. Pest.
Just what’s your request?”
“I’d like a real spanking-new face.”
One tale of a tail might entail,
A PI with some guy to surveil;
Add a shade of film noir
To a steamy boudoir,
Plus a dame for Mike Hammer to nail.
Many women have told us their tale.
So why isn’t Donald in jail?
He’d sit there and rot.
For sure he could not
Raise ten zillion dollars for bail.
George Washington told a tall tale.
The truth sometimes doesn’t prevail.
C’mon! He was six.
And he needed his kicks.
Then the cherries were put up for sale.
Oops! I had that George Washington one backwards!
“The Father of our Country, age 6”
Now people, you don’t really buy
That Georgie said, “I cannot lie”
It’s a whoppin’ tall tale
That’s become very stale.
(Kinda’ like Martha’s baked cherry pie)
My love, you display such exuberance
I can tell by your latest protuberance.
May that status prevail
No need to curtail
Where the Hell did we leave the damn Lubricants.
Eldorado knight’s long tale,
lifetime journey no avail.
But once underground,
was no longer bound.
Discovered “streets of gold” trail.
Failing to plan is planning to fail
If you disregard all a job does entail,
Or in haste you just muddle through
Saying too soon, “I think that will do”,
Neglecting the finer detail.
The “Pursuit of Happiness” will fail
To catch it e’er by the tail.
Enjoy every task,
For no glory ask,
And “Happiness” shall then prevail.
We all like to think we are right,
So much so, we’ll put up a fight.
We’ll even fight wars
To further our cause,
Backed up by all of our might.
I’m the best President ever,
That’s because I am so clever.
Am I arrogant? No!
A little. Does it show?
Will I change? I don’t think so. No never!
Woman, vanity is thy name,
And trapping a mate is thy game.
You’ll think love has arrived,
But it’s all just contrived,
Though to you, its real, just the same.
You think you’re a bit of a nob,
But you’re an intellectual snob.
That you think you’re so smart
We can tell at the start
When you first go and open your gob.
What have the Proud Boys to be proud about?
What have they done except scream and shout?
There’s the sorry tale
Of the Capitol fail,
A demonstration turned into a rout.
You think you know. You don’t.
Will you change your mind? You won’t.
You’ll go on forever
Thinking you’re clever
As of knowledge you think you’re a font.
Some Americans think America’s best,
Better than all of the rest.
If they were really aware
They’d know that that’s spare,
Take the prisoner count as a test.
“On a bonfire all these I’ll burn,
For they’re vanities; this I discern,”
Said the monk. But the Pope
To his theories said. “Nope.
Furthermore, at the stake it’s your turn.”
I have beautiful varicose veins.
You’ve noticed? That’s great. It explains
Why despite sneers and snorts
I always wear shorts,
Regardless of whether it rains.
True Story: 1981 at a casino with my husband
Probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
“I Had A Tail”
The night that I had a long tail
I broke down and then started to wail.
Very blatantly showing,
Toilet paper was flowing
From the back of my pants in a trail.
(for about 20 minutes, until a perfect stranger told me!)
Though a prime, human flaw is vanity
It’s limits not solely humanity
Though of man, god’s disdain
Yes, they too, were so vain
Ungodliness – prideful insanity!
Mirrored images often distorted
Self-opinions convenient, contorted
One can carry an air
But is vanity fair?
Bubble bursts with perceptions aborted…
Curt was ailing, he made it quite clear
His whines ad-infinitum, we’d hear…
We, Curt’s ails, did curtail
Greater good did prevail
Problem solved – just give Curt ale or beer!
At the Road-Kill Grill, food prep entails
Sorting out things not edible (tails…)
Brags the gore-may chef Marcus
Elbow-deep in a carcass:
“Offal-Awful milkshakes with entrails!”
Vanity
Won the lottery right to the max.
Told the wife that we’re gonna “make tracks.”
She said, “I’ll make sure
Our new home has allure,
And it must be real close to a Saks.”
Similar, “vanity”
Won the lottery, got lots of dough.
We’ll buy a big house, yet although,
My wife said, “That’s great,
It must be in a state
With a Bloomingdales, or I won’t go.”
Take a “selfie”, you’ll feel really swell.
(In a park, in your school, or hotel.)
Those who thought of it claim
That they gave it that name,
Cuz narcissist’s too hard to spell.
What does writing great lim’ricks entail?
Innovation you must not curtail.
The rhythm? Electric.
The word use? Eclectic;
And the tale has a twist in the tail.
“Vanity Anonymous”
“All welcome to “Big-Headed Share”
I hope you’re all fully aware
We can cure your conceit,
So you won’t feel elite.
Incidentally, how is my hair?”
“Vanity Anonymous”
“All welcome to “Big-Headed Share”
I hope you’re all fully aware
We can cure your conceit,
So you won’t feel elite.
Incidentally, how is my hair?”
Three bears hot on her trail,
would Goldilocks prevail?
With a simple lock,
or well-oiled Glock.
That’s a different tale.
Those beauty comp’ girls lose their sanity
when (backstage) they resort to profanity.
They get dirty and down
In their quest for that crown
Not exactly “God’s gift” to humanity.
Just adore me as though I’m a god,
Enjoy unfettered use of this bod’.
All your dreams will come true
When I make love to you:
But deny me and I’ll spare the rod.
I don’t know why that one went in twice! I have the same one in mind with another punch line: “Vanity Anonymous”
“All welcome to “Big- Headed Share”
I hope that you all are aware
We can cure your conceit,
So you won’t feel elite.
Don’t you love what I’ve done with my hair?”
Call it a B and E tale,
Where Goldilocks would prevail.
Got nice little snack,
and a comfy nap.
Sheets six-hundred count percale.
Trump’s dinnerware – always first-rate;
With one special feature that’s great.
Between steak and some peas,
That reflection he sees;
His BEAUTIFUL vanity plate!
Listen up and I’ll tell you the tale
Of Ms Prim, whom I once did surveil.
As I watched her undress,
I came under duress,
Which is why I now languish in jail.
Listen up and I’ll tell you the tale
Of Ms Prim, whom I once did surveil.
As I watched her undress,
I came under duress,
Which is why I now languish in jail.
“I am bound by the law to curtail,”
Said the judge. “And must send you to jail.
And I must confiscate
All your photos. My fate
Is to study them all – in detail.
At the gym, as I stepped on the scale,
I considered my weight-loss plan fail.
All the fat I had burned?
Not sufficient, I learned;
My consumption I need to curtail.
(Corrected version of my posting above)
Trump’s dinnerware – always first-rate;
With one special feature that’s great.
‘Tween steak and some peas,
His reflection he sees
In that BEAUTIFUL vanity plate!
He sought illegitimate tail;
And found they were having a sale.
Though one did agree
For a sizable fee,
Her badge indicated a fail.
Her vacation was rife with calamity;
Lost luggage, missed flights threatened sanity;
Her bikinis didn’t fit,
Starved mosquitoes all bit,
She could not even show off her vanity!
He’s self-centered, conceited, quite vain.
Only talks ’bout himself; it’s insane.
Ophthalmologist said,
“Vision’s wonderful, Fred,
But you’re suffering from some I strain.”
Adopting the look of a child,
He glanced at the mirror and smiled.
“I’m someone!” he said;
Then his wife shook her head
And laughed: “who was born to be mild.”
The “TALLEST” Tale: September 11, 2001. TV News Interview by phone to Donald Trump.
Donald Trump told a “whale of a tale”
Which made some New Yorkers quite pale.
He said, “Now mine’s the highest
And of course, I’m the flyest”
(A tale on a very large scale)
(The tallest after 9/11 was on 70 Pine Street, not his tower, as he claimed)
Corrected version – today 1:06 pm
His bank account – hardy and hale,
He sought illegitimate tail.
Though one did agree
For a sizable fee,
Her badge indicated “no sale”.
All started with beans and livestock,
small village in collective shock.
Golden goose of tale,
never goes for sale.
What’s left, giant’s outline in chalk.
Rudy, from Carly Simon:
This lim’rik is not sure about you.
There are 2 things I already knew:
Your horse was withdrawn.
The eclipse was a yawn.
Didn’t hear that from you, but they’re true.
(so there)
Revision: Better Meter: “To Rudy From Carly Simon”
This lim’rik is not about you.
There were facts that I already knew:
Your horse was withdrawn.
The eclipse was a yawn.
Didn’t hear that from you, but they’re true.
(so there)
In some ways we’re all a bit vain,
We’d like people to know our name…
“Look what I’ve done,
Aren’t I the one,
Ah, nothing is better than fame.”
How many love songs have I sung?
And each to a different one.
Each a sorry tale
Of a love that did fail
I sadly should not have begun.
Trump has them under some spell.
Ignoring the truth they know well,
They go along with the tale
That he didn’t fail
For fear it could be their death knell.
We said, “My God you are vain.”
She replied, “I’m sorry, it’s plain
I’m much better than you!”
Which was sad and was true
And we had no cause to complain.
What conceit drives such a man
Shown he can’t, still thinks that he can.
Who will in a trice
Ignore all sage advice
Unless it concurs with his plan.
Your fears I’d like to dispel
That the election is my death knell.
There’s no greater crime
In all historical time
And the Democrats know it as well.
Tale entails a tail
There is a story, a tale
That natures wonders entail,
A cunning old fish
Who’d lost his swish
Uses his sail not his tail.
First pig used entire hay bale,
second secured sticks with his tail.
Third used solid brick,
and that did the trick.
Wolf is now fixated on quail.
Hey Lisi, please forward to Carly.
I regret. I’m perplexed and I fail.
I simply can’t make head or tail.
What horse? What eclipse?
Some memory slips?
If there’s logic in this, do unveil!
(so where?)
What does writing a lim’rick entail?
Perfect anapest meter’s the Grail.
For your rhyme scheme, the way
Is AABBA;
You must follow these rules or you fail.
A party girl (NOT a late bloomer)
Asked some like-minded friends ‘round to groom ‘er
Her vanity ‘set’
Saw her needs were all met
When they joined her in bed (that’s no rumour).
She Brags when she’s Put to the Test,
“I can Rhythm and Rhyme with the Best”.
With metrical song:
“I’ve not Put a foot Wrong….”
Her Name? Oh, that’s Young Anna Pest.
In vanity veritas.
A poet who lived on Nantucket
Wrote lim’ricks galore by the bucket.
He never would teeter,
Used amphibrach meter.*
An anapest? He would just chuck it.
*(da DUM da/ da DUM da/ da DUM da)
With my talent, square jaw, and strong chin,
It is I who these contests should win.
Once MadKane takes a look,
Every other poor schnook
Who submits will become a has-been.
They wrote a misleading false tale
Which here I’ll not stoop to regale
My furious riposte
Was then (they said) “lost”
Now I Wonder what THAT did entail?
Rudy: Listen to the lyrics of “You’re So Vain”
My limerick was a parody of sorts.
This man is so terribly vain.
Sees the world from his own private plane.
Does “his horse” always win?
Does the sun always spin
All around his own private domain?
The Lone Ranger (so goes a tall tale)
Saw some Natives and let out a wail:
“They’re all hostile! We’re dead!”
Tonto grinned as he said:
“What’s this ‘we,’ you with face that is pale?”
Da-DUM-da said, “Heads up, my friends —
Be apprised of what lies ’round those bends!
Brutes with blades did assail
Both my head and my tail
Just for sport. Now I’m short on both ends.”
(Hi, Rudy. “Amphibrach”! Thanks for the new-to-me WOTD) :)
Another version of a ruined vacation
Her vacation’s a total calamity;
Long delays, unmasked crowds, threatened sanity;
Her bikini’s just right
And young dudes are in sight,
But her makeup’s at home on her vanity!
My need to make love was perennial.
But now as I reach my centennial,
I will not complain.
I can’t be that vain.
I’m glad that it still is biennial.
Plot ideas come a’pelting like hail;
I try to corral them-and fail.
I rail and I wail,
To no great avail;
Just can’t seem to finish my tale.
The grim tale that is told by my scale
Is: “Take heed of the size of your tail.
Look, these numbers don’t lie;
You eat way too much pie
And resemble a massive beached whale.”
At just three inches long, Dickie’s dick
Isn’t all that exciting to lick.
Yet he thinks that the chicks
Are transfixed when he sticks
Them (when really, they’re just thinking “ICK!”)
The beautiful Cinderella,
sung enchanting acapella.
With slipper of glass,
made for the young lass.
She wasn’t losin’ her fella.
“Once Upon A Time” (bedtime story)
“Dearest Darling, must tell you a tale.
Cinderella just started to wail.
But the prince found her slipper
On the day of Yom Kippur.
After sundown, they ate nuts and kale.”
(and lived happily ever after)
“My Wife” “Get Out Of The Bathroom”
She moves at a very slow pace.
And frankly, I think it’s a disgrace.
All that lipstick and blush,
Brow pencil, with brush.
And other shit made for a face.
Hey Lisi,
I had listened to just the refrain
Of Carly’s old song “You’re so Vain”.
I’d forgotten the horse,
The eclipse, so of course
Please forgive my malfunction of brain.
A Captain whose name is James Kirk
Is an egomaniacal jerk.
He’s God’s gift to the dames.
Still, the sexual games
That he tries indisputably work.
If a woman with beauty that’s lush
Likes to tally the hearts she can crush,
When it seems there’s a trace
Of chagrin on her face,
It’s her makeup providing the blush.
I just bought an old book on sale.
But read it? What will that entail?
With very slim pickin’s
I chose one by Dickens.
Two cities involved in a tale?
In the year ninety-two, he set sail
To reach India, but sadly he’d fail.
But out of the blue
He found something new.
What was it? Therein lies a tale.
Humpty Dumpty history trail,
began as brandy drink with ale. 1600s
Then cannon true fact, 1642-1649: English Civil War
at the end he cracked.
Egg in Alice Wonderland tale. 1865:Lewis Carroll called H.B. an egg
and that is what he became in rhyme
Humpty Dumpty history trail,
began as brandy drink with ale. *
Then cannon true fact, **
at the end he cracked.
Egg in Alice Wonderland tale. ***
* ( 1600s ) ** (1642-1649 ) English Civil War *** 1865: Lewis Carroll’s classic Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland is published H.B. referred as egg
Vanity and Tail, (a double)
“The Girls”
In high school we did lots of teasing.
(But not the kind that is displeasing)
To attract a cute male,
We used a “rat tail”
And hoped that our hair would be pleasing.
(for those who don’t understand, a “rat tail” is a comb which is perfectly
designed for teasing: one side for “grabbing” the other for teasing)
Oops! Rhyming Error (L5) from “The Girls” vanity and tail. try again!
In high school, we did lots of teasing
(But not the kind that is displeasing)
To attract a cute male,
We would use a “rat tail”
Then spray our hair till it looked freezing.
(rat tail combs: one side is the grabber and the other side is the teaser)
This may make more sense:
In high school, we did lots of teasing.
(But not the kind that is displeasing.)
To attract a cute male,
We would use a rat tail.
On our hair. Comb it down. Spray till freezing.
(Now)
There’s a Rich* Tart from old downtown Pisa
Who Thinks she’s the next Mona Lisa.
Beneath all her paint
Gioconda she ain’t.
*(She’s Solvent, – has shares in de-greaser).
(Later)
That Poor tart from Pisa town’s back
Her foundation is starting to crack
But She still has a leaning
T’ward vainly self preening
With Several layers of Spack!
(Much Later)
Her thinking now leans to her plight, –
Though her foundation’s crumbling she’ll fight.
The Spackle’s convincing
But needs some Da Vincing
Gioconda she’ll not be tonight.
Book, after book, after book,
Each saying Trump’s bad, “Here look!”
Each one a tale
Of his Presidential fail
And saying at heart he’s a crook.
Vanity?
Never in the history of Trump
Will he agree he was given the bump,
Though we secretly know,
Evidenced by the show,
That he knows he got a good whump.
Tale of Emperor’s New Clothes,
clever vanity written prose.
It only took youth,
and transparent truth.
For innocent lad to expose.
“Something’s Rotten In The State Of New Jersey:
Oh Jimmy, Where Art Thou?”
Some searchers are still on the trail
Won’dring where is this “organized” male?
An inscrutable man,
Who sure hit the fan.
Thereby hangs a mysterious tale.
Abandoned in woods by step-mother,
Hansel and Gretel helped each other.
Start bread crumbs for trail,
punch line to this tale.
Step-mother was witch, so they smother.*
Or boil, or burn up in oven. So many versions.*
A slight modification: “There’s Someone Rotten In The State Of New Jersey”
Oh, Jimmy, Wherefore Art Thou?”
Some searchers are still on the trail
Won’dring “Where is this “organized” male?”
An inscrutable man,
Who sure hit the fan.
Thereby hangs a mysterious tale.
20/20 Hind-sight!
Ev’ry Young healthy teenage boy’s mind
Drives a habit they’re told makes them blind
But they’ll never curtail
Cuz they’re Male and love “Tail”
That wears Short shorts exposing their Hind.
Said Huck Finn, “I don’t want to seem vain,
But who wrote you? My author’s Mark Twain.”
Hamlet laughed. “There’s no peer
Of my playwright, Shakespeare,
Plus there’s nothing, they say, like a Dane “
“The Boss’s Cluttered Desk”
“What a beautiful fam’ly, Miss Lee.
All Girls! and as chic as can be.”
“You’re quite right, Mrs. King,
Except for one thing:
All these photos are pictures of me.”
Screamed a peacock, “I’m stuck up; so what?
I’m too gorgeous and grand not to strut!”
He was squawking at folks
And their foul human jokes,
Most of which he was often the butt.
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Dispensing service move your tail,
in every climate don’t you fail.
Wonderfully expressed,
Stevie Wonder said best.
Signed, sealed, deliver our mail.
A Stroll Down “Looking-Glass Street”
We strolled down the real fancy section,
In my usual fav’rite direction.
We kept walking, then stopping,
But not for the shopping.
The “stops” were to kiss my reflection.
Though he thought he had style and urbanity,
Hugh’s bid for success was all vanity.
With broad flippers and tail
And wet whiskers, he’d fail.
How I wept for the fate of Hugh Manatee!
One Last comp-idea I can’t pose
(In Oz it’s past time for my doze)
A “Beyond The Pale” tale
That’s too rude and will fail
I’ve no time left to fix by Mad’s Close.
He told her “I see in the mail
They’re having their Annual Sale.
Fake bargains, at best;
They’ll just jack up the rest.”
She said “That’s an old husbands’ tale.”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 474. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Key.