Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SPIN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 10, 2021)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SPIN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ETIQUETTE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best ETIQUETTE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on July 11, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 10, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SPIN-rhyme limerick:
A gal who was clever at spin
Delivered it all with a grin.
Though her clients were sleazy
And cheesy, the breezy
Defenses she’d gin up would win.
And here’s my ETIQUETTE-themed limerick:
When he swallowed his wine, he was rapid.
Then he swiftly dismissed it as “vapid.”
His date was aghast:
“You guzzled it fast!
You’re insipid; that Pinot is sapid.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bad Manners, Competition Limerick, Etiquette, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Rudeness Humor, Rudeness Limerick, Spin Doctors, Spin Humor, Wine Humor, Wine Limerick, Writing Prompts
Work Place Etiquette
I work next to a guy at “The News”
Although pleasant, he gives me the blues.
He’s as nice as can be,
But I sure wish that he
Would stop takin’ off his damn shoes.
For gelato, it’s only one scoop!
He took two, so he’s out of the group!
He eats like a swine.
Knows nothing ’bout wine.
And last night, he was zoopin’ the soup.
The “Exorcist” sure was a sin.
That movie got under my skin.
Yet fanfare won out.
And without any doubt,
All that hype was a devilish spin.
For lemon tea flavour to linger
Long after its first zesty zinger,
When you take a wee sup
From a porcelain cup
You MUST raise your cute little finger.
Would you like to have dinner with me?
Or traditional English high tea?
We’ll sit straight in our chair,
Pinkies high in the air,
And flaunt arcane rules – silly we!
I attended an etiquette Forum
Where I taught the fine points of Decorum
Like the way you should walk
And engage when you talk,
Then I told a crude joke just to Floor ‘em.
Many people thought Trump wouldn’t win.
And said, “It would be quite a sin.”
Yet he owed his success
To “Creative B.S.”
And was crowned “The Commander Of Spin”
I can fix all those problems you see
From those scammers, but you must trust me
Cuz we all get sucked in
By their hype and and their spin, –
I just need to know your I.P.
My family calls me, “Sweet Lynn”
I’ve a sister, Brianna, my twin.
Mom says we’re a blessing.
Never minded confessing
We’re the outcome of taking a spin.
Getting piglets to sleep’s not a chore
For their father, who sits on the floor
By their bed. Tales he’ll spin
When his offspring turn in.
They nod off ’cause their daddy’s a boar.
First Date: Driving Dad’s Car. Etiquette Advice:
“Let her in. Close the door. Understand?”
It was surely a real strict command!
I got back in the car,
But we didn’t get far.
He’d forgotten to mention her hand.
Spends her days in the city of sin.
Sitting, watching the coloured wheels spin
With diminishing health
Not to mention her wealth.
“More Pink Gin please, – I think my luck’s in”.
Her composure has just failed the test,
And her LANGUAGE! below second-best.
She was all prim and proper
‘til she got off the chopper
Cold rain and downdraft did the rest.
Said a lady, “I love smoky fires;
They arouse all my basic desires.”
So to encourage sin
When they go for a spin
Her beau makes smoke pour from his tyres.
Mercator; who was a geometer,
Attached his globes to a rheometer.
When the current went in
They’d glow and they’d spin;
And increase in length and diameter.
Etiquette is a super life hack;
It stops folk from giving you flack.
An example of this;
When he’s having a piss,
Don’t shove a poor chap in the back.
‘Hack’ is an Americanism currently creeping into English English. For the purist:-
Etiquette is a super life tip;
It stops folk from giving you lip.
An example of this:
When a chap takes a piss
Don’t say; “There’s not much there to grip.”
You must do what is proper and right.
Remember to take one small bite.
When your company leaves,
Just roll up your sleeves,
And then you may pig out all night.
Etiquette? No Thanks!
When you live alone, manners don’t matter.
Stick your tongue out and lick all that batter.
Eat ice cream all night.
(What a sinful delight)
The rub is you might get much fatter.
After COVID my head’s in spin
Thankful I’m not dead but again
Getting back out
An effort no doubt
If all play fair we win
Spin Class
This class will sure be a win-win.
I’ll get stronger and learn about “spin”
It’s a wonderful drill.
It’ll give me a thrill.
And one of these days, I’ll begin.
Change of Adjective: limerick #17 L2 (today)
“Etiquette Class”
You must do what is proper and right.
Remember: Take one dainty bite.
When your company leaves,
You may roll up your sleeves
And then you can pig out all night.
My opinion is Doc you’ve got guts
If you think that with no ifs or buts
You can check out my glands
With your freezing cold hands.
In my second opinion, – You’re Nuts!
Optional Line 5:
The price of such folly? Your Nuts!
Corrected Limerick #6 today
Many people said Trump wouldn’t win.
Some said, “It would be quite a sin”
Yet he owed his success
To “Creative B.S.”
And was voted, “Commander-in-Spin”
Doggie Etiquette School
“Now doggies, I will not repeat,
Although you are all very sweet,
I’m feeling morose,
Cuz your manners are gross.
So please close your mouth when you eat.”
An example of Etiquette’s place
In the Porn game, so’s not to disgrace:
In the Six/Nine position
There’s one inhibition,
Please try not to fart in her face.
The Mafia has etiquette too
Their rules are so simple to do.
Cuz if you refuse
You’re dead, on The News.
An effective incentive, – Who Knew!
Lesson #2: Doggie Etiquette
“And now that we’re all in the park,
I must make an important remark.
Although you’re all sweet,
I just have to repeat:
Will you please close your mouths when you bark?”
The first 2 lines are correct. We took “manners” in school.
“Shaking Hands” (Etiquette)
The woman extends her hand first.
This practice is never reversed.
At this moment in time,
Shaking hands is a crime.
If you do it, you might just get cursed.
I note that “fart joke limericks” are appearing with some frequency, and one even got honorable mention recently. So, take this!
Ben Franklin proclaimed this quite loudly.
When he’s in a room with a crowd, he
Might have to pass gas;
But he does it with class,
And always is sure to “fart proudly”.
“The Ups and Downs”
My blood pressure’s doing me in.
First it’s high, then it’s low. I can’t win.
The pills for the ”low”
Give me get up and go.
And the ones for the “high” make me spin.
Not a corrected one, just a little more explicit
“The Ups and Downs”
My blood pressure’s doing me in.
First it’s high, then it’s low, I can’t win.
The pills for the “low”
Give me get-up-and-go.
And the others just make my world spin.
Some Republicans sadly are serious
In backing Trump the imperious.
They’re being taken in
By his lies and his spin
Not seeing he is really delirious.
Republicans keep trying to spin
The results of each loss to a win
Only then can they flee
The depravity,
Of their master Trumplestiltskin
The latest Trump tour can begin,
each rally to be followed by spin:
Attendance in millions
shadowed only by billions
who are all clamoring to get in!
I dated a ballet brunette,
Drove me wild did that lissome coquette.
When I said, “Please jump in
And let’s go for a spin”,
She surprised with a long pirouette.
“Good manners? My forte!”, said Gert …
Only gentleness shall I exert.
When handling your glans
I shall pre-warm my hands,
Please reciprocate inside my shirt!
The ship was about for a spin
When the captain fell on his chin
He kept spinning around
Until he touched the ground
Oh now the poor captain was pin
The ship was about for a spin
When the captain fell on his chin
He kept spinning around
Until he touched the ground
Oh now the poor captain was pin
I’m so square, I get dizzy on gin —
Just one round and my head starts to spin.
Then I circle about,
Quite obtusely, no doubt,
Wond’ring what kind of shape I am in.
You can’t fool me! Enough with the spin!
Do you think I don’t know where you’ve been?
Must I really remind
You? It boggles the mind.
I was THERE! (I’m your Siamese Twin.)
When dining with others, please chew
And then swallow your food before you
Try to talk prematurely
‘Cause otherwise, surely,
You’ll spray those around you with goo.
“Darling daughter, you must act with grace.
Keep a sweet pleasant smile on your face.
Use a tissue to sneeze.
Say, “thank you” and “please”
“Thank you Mama, please get off my case”
“Act refined, darling, never be crass.
Set your table with grand stately class:
Spoons and forks, placed just right.
And to be real polite,
Put a smart phone behind ev’ry glass.”
‘Twas a must-attend ‘manners’ oration,
With dull discourse and scant information,
But then we could chug
Champagne from a mug!
That ‘manner’ sparked much jubilation!
When Kennedy went to Berlin,
He proclaimed, to the Russian’s chagrin,
With serious demeanor:
“Ich bin ein Berliner”.
Thus, freedom for all he did spin.
In his bunker somewhere in Berlin,
The Führer continued to spin.
Insane, ever callous.
“Deutsches Land über Alles” *
Until his own gun did him in.
*Not an exact quote, but I had to make it scan.
Canine Etiquette: Another Lesson
Act refined, Rover, never be crass.
Please try not to pass too much gas.
Never bark, never bite.
To your pals be polite.
And for God’s sake, stop lickin’ your ass.
The Planetarium
Ever wonder why daytime is bright,
As it slowly turns into the night?
It’s because of a spin
Which should make us all grin
If we see it up close. What a sight!
He said with a lecherous grin
“Let’s take my new car for a spin”
The lewd low-life leech
Sped off with a screech
All alone, – cuz I hadn’t got in!
“Shedding Light” on previous Spinning Earth Limerick
Ever wonder why daytime is bright,
As it slowly turns into the night?
It’s because of a “spin”
If you want to clue in,
Watch the stars in their magical flight.
“The Antique Collector”
“My goodness! How long has it been?
I’m so glad you invited me in.
I love your new fan
Above that “divan”
It gives the room such a nice spin.”
Etiquette Rules Have Changed.
I’m in quite a jovial mood.
I used to be very unglued.
But the “rules” have been changed,
And well-rearranged.
Now I don’t have to pay for her food.
Since my knowledge of science is thin,
Geo Sci, I can’t even begin.
So I pray it’s enough
That my rotator cuff
Stay attached while the earth takes a spin.
Corrected version (Aaaargh! Typo. But I’m comforted to think that many of you know my pain) :(
Since my knowledge of science is thin,
Geo Sci, I can’t even begin.
So I pray it’s enough
That my rotator cuff
Stays attached while the earth takes a spin.
He farted at the table then laughed
Acting like it was his new crafted
The scent was so strong
An it lasted to long
The people walked out on his behalf
The ship was about for a spin
When the captain fell on his chin
He kept spinning around
Until he touched the ground
And now, the poor captain was pin
true fact I came across on You Tube: location: Palms Las Vegas, Hugh Hefner Suite (check it out)
If truth be told, weirdoes have been
In Hugh Hefner’s “Bonk” Mansion Inn.
To spruce up his suite
Bought himself a nice treat:
A bed that would actually spin.
There was a fella called Crispin
Who’d talk always by lispin’
But not understood
Even if ears were good
Because he also was whispin’
Till now, Trump’s roulette spin
Has luckily come up as a win.
Will the latest be trump’s
Or have him down in the dumps
Sitting in a jail for his sin.
To whom to attribute Trump’s win?
To Roger Stone, the Master of Spin.
The Make America Great
Stems from Reagan’s date
And Stone was working for him.
Mitchell McConnell’s a jerk,
A nasty and foul piece of work.
He’ll give a bad spin
To what doesn’t suit him
Adding layer upon layer of murk.
Weak bladder, – couldn’t wait, – on the Brink.
Only option was Pee in the Sink.
In an Etiquette burst
Took the dishes out first
Felt self righteous and poured one more drink.
For the Ladies, Men open the door.
That Etiquette rule is no more.
Since they go to the gym
She can open for Him.
An equality thing, – por favor.
With her manner demure and coquettish
She displays a peculiar fetish
For drinking pink booze
From ‘designer’ red shoes
She has style one could call Etiquette-ish!
So what kind of Guilt-laden Spin
Is this bullshit, – Original Sin.
That we Fools should believe
it’s from Adam and Eve
Is a ‘Cult’ that I’m glad I’m not In.
One’s manners are like black & white.
It’s quite simple, they’re wrong or they’re right.
But when something you say
Comes out the wrong way
Like “Your Mother” your in for a fight.
With proboscis upturned she will pace,
As she sniffs with disdain at my place.
Acting snooty (it stinks),
It’s her duty (she thinks).
It’s as plain as the nose on her face.
Etiquette?
There’s a trend now that just made me groan.
Told my friends, and I’m sure not alone.
Have to say I resent
That the “Thank You’s ” she sent
Were all received via a phone.
Cole Porter and Irving Berlin.
And Gershwin? Let’s do throw him in.
These guys were prolific.
Their songs were terrific.
To count them would make your head spin.
Capricci: a short, twisty pasta:
Limerick using “Etiquette” and “Spin”
So flustered, my head in a spin,
When we took Mom to “Taste of Rome Inn”
She ate her capricci,
And then she felt itchy.
Cuz the sauce was all over her chin.
The singer, the great Etty Kett.
No, no. Eartha Kitt! I forget.
Her songs, slightly naughty.
But never real bawdy,
She always maintained etiquette.
I have learned to be proper and civil.
If discussions get heated, I swivel.
Or I pivot and spin
(Double moves are win-win).
And the best part of all? I speak Drivel.
Etiquette
Now everyone knows it’s not proper
To take a girl out and then drop her
But that’s not as bad
As when she’s been had
To love her up and then to whop her.
He took the tank out for a spin
While crumpling cars, made quite a din
The gendarmes were called
And in he was hauled
And thus are the wages of sin
The ladies man
Jerome would not only trust gin
But old companion Mickey Finn
Would cut down the sass
Of truculent lass
Then everything started to spin
About men
I must reveal this about men
They’re born with the instinct to win
But when they do not
Obtain what they sought
They’ll tell the whole tale with a spin
Nortman insane your speed and spin,
how do you get so many in?
Twenty-four are penned,
sure hope that’s the end.
Hey, let someone else get a win!
Keep grunts and loud moans to a min.,
it disturbs those workouts within.
Don’t drop weights you fling,
and one final thing.
Wipe all the sweat deposits you spin.
You’re working off massive girth,
not in labor giving birth.
Stop the grunts and moans,
and talks on cell phones.
Some advice for what it’s worth
Idea is to put people at ease,
much more then simple thank you and please.
Don’t pick nose in plain sight,
always patient, polite.
Most important don’t loudly cut cheese.
Church Lottery, – Give it a spin.
There’s a Heavenly prize, are you In?
I say “You can Stick It!”
Read back of the ticket.
You need to be Dead for the Win!
Oops! Here’s corrected version of June 30. 4.24am
One’s manners are like black & white.
It’s quite simple, they’re wrong or they’re right.
But when something you say
Comes out the wrong way
Like “Your Mother” you’re in for a fight.
“Mr. Gates, it’s now your turn to spin.
Although losing is not such a sin.
(I’m actually cheating)
I’m not into competing
Chutes and Ladder’s so hard. Howja’ WIN?”
Said my date, “You behaved like a dork!”
At that fancy soiree in New York.
Really, what’s the big deal?
At the start of the meal,
All I did was, I asked for a spork.
I’ve been teaching him breeding, and such,
But he still doesn’t have the right “touch”
Got a long way to go,
And by now he should know
That ketchup on pie’s a bit much.
It’s Party Time!
Mr. Trump you will get a slight spin.
Then gently I’ll hand you a pin.
Please try to keep steady.
The donkey is ready
To give you a kick in the shin.
Etiquette School: This Week’s Lesson: The Proper Way To Walk
Put this book on your head, you may not
Bend over or stay in one spot.
Don’t take a brief rest.
At the end, there’s a test:
You must tell us the accurate plot.
Fraternity Boys
When a college boy gave you his “pin”
You went into a jubilant spin.
So un-worldly were we,
We just didn’t foresee
That the pin was a pass to get in.
Dalai Lama showed real etiquette,
When the Chinese said, “We’ll get Tibet.”
He smiled and he sighed,
“Ah. Here is my ride;
So I think we should all get t’ bed.”
Etiquette is a very nice thing;
A kind phrase can make a heart sing.
For example, when wooing.
Don’t say, “Fancy screwing?”
Instead, ask if she’d like offspring.
Oedipus’s Tips for a Successful Relationship
Here’s some dating advice with no spin:
Treat the gal with respect, and you win!
Buy her choc’late and bling.
Oh, there’s one final thing:
Just make sure that she isn’t your kin.
Etiquette Lesson
“You must learn the fine points of “High Tea”
(Be pleasant Bill, don’t disagree)
Bring a microscope, dear,
Then things will be clear,
Or the sandwiches you will not see.”
A decorous lady was Lydia.
You couldn’t forget her, or did ya?
While you took a nap
She gave you the clap;
Though etiquette called for chlamydia.
Thank you James for the inspiration.
Young Oedipus, he was in flight.
His dad he then killed in a fight.
He comitted a sin
To make your head spin.
He bedded him mom that same night.
Once more onto the breach.
Jocasta the fun loving queen,
When Oedipus came on the scene,
She married her son.
With etiquette? None!
She tended to love the obscene.
Three typos in one limerick!!!
First, I meant to thank Tim for his inspiration. I called him James. Sorry.
The corrected limerick.
Young Oedipus, he was in flight.
His dad he then killed in a fight.
He committed a sin
To make your head spin.
He bedded his mom that same night.
Driving Etiquette
If you drive in the left lane real slow,
Move over, it’s wrong, yet although,
Speeders don’t follow rules,
And they drive like damn fools.
To avoid them just go with the flow.
Does this rule apply only to Americans?
I really don’t know, so to be fair:
If you drive in the right lane real slow,
Move over, it’s wrong, yet although,
Speeders don’t follow rules,
And they drive like damn fools,
To avoid crashing, go with the flow.
The proper way to behave
Is be true to yourself, not a slave.
Ignore others predilections
Or their inflections
Of the “Proper Way” when they rave.
Don’t ever speak to me in that way,
I’m your President, hear what I say.
Never! Never ever before
Has there been such a boor,
I’ll make all you CNN folks pay.
Wrote a lim’rick ‘bout Rumpelstiltskin
But committed a rhythmical sin
With the ‘skin’ stress not neat
Cos it’s on the wrong beat.
Can’t rectify THAT one with spin.
Rumpelstiltskin – Now placed to begin
this limerick, sans my chagrin,
Made the claim, – I am told,
He could conjure up gold
With his straw-twisting lass (and much Spin!).
8 days old: musings
It’s time for my meltdown and spin.
I tried to escape, but can’t win.
It’s only a pinch,
Yet it’s less than an inch.
And not too much there to begin.
8 days old: musings (correction)
It’s time for my meltdown and spin.
Tried to call it off, but just can’t win.
It’s only a pinch,
Yet it’s less than an inch,
So there isn’t much there to begin.
There’s an Etiquette phrase “Ps & Qs”
Whose origins always confuse.
For How can one Mind them
When One cannot find them?
There ARE no convincing reviews.
Corrected version (already) July 3. 11.42am
There’s an Etiquette phrase “Ps & Qs”
Whose origins always confuse.
For How can one Mind them
When One cannot find them?
There ARE no conclusive reviews.
(FYI) The word Loo is a commonly used British
(slang) term for the toilet.
Use your ’Outdoor Event’ Ps & Qs
Where there’s always long lines for the Loos
When you Queue for a Pee
It’s important to see
That your Pee’s not preceding your Cues.
The house staff right down to the waiter
Look after the cranky old mater
They’re all ‘Ps and Qs’
As they grovel and schmooze
She has No idea how much they hate’er.
The bridegroom, a chivalrous gent
Was ‘caught short’ in the honeymoon tent
Though the worst place to shite
Is outside, in the night,
Before they ‘got going’ he went.
Oh, the speed these limericks come in
Makes my head kind of spin.
Although I am glad
I think I’ll go Mad
Trying to work out who’ll win.
My writing ‘skills’ seem like a crime
When my mind just will Not toe the line
Like when even with spin
My ideas won’t fit in
And there’s no way I‘ll get them to rhyme properly.
Worth Waiting For: Etiquette
At 90, I’m now in the groove.
I’m sure that the men will approve.
The rules have now changed,
And well-rearranged
I can finally make the first move.
And Mabel Speaks Up Again At The Nursing Home (Etiquette)
“Now, listen here, “know-it-all” chap:
I’ve deaf ears to your old-fashioned crap.
I’m 90 years old
And feeling quite bold.
And will NOT keep my hands in my lap.”
Nursing Home Etiquette: Mabel is on a roll !!
“Now ladies, you best hold on tight.
Don’t care if it’s wrong or it’s right.
You may not be impressed,
But look how I’m dressed:
It’s December, and I’m wearin’ white.”
Felicitous Independence Day
Some hypothesize Freedom as myth,
And Democracy vanquished forthwith.
It’s a plausible spin
On conditions, wherein
I’ll be spending the 4th with a fifth.
Rules are made to be broken at “Old Biddy Home” (Etiquette)
I’m breaking a rule but despite,
There are times that a gal has to “fight”.
I’ve invited “My Jake”
For coffee and cake,
And I’m putting the fork on the right.
Just imagine my utter chagrin
As I drank from the posh tastevin;
I sniffed and took sips,
But when drops crossed my lips,
They all tasted quite rank – that’s my spin!
There’s a man whose behavior’s risqué.
It’s described by a well know cliché.
In pants pocket’s a hole
That will lead to his pole,
So the man will feel cocky all day.
I wonder what more’s left to say
Our rhyme Word’s been turned ev’ry way.
Rhymes about (and with) Spin
Pursuing that grin
We all seek as we’re rhyming away.
I wonder what more’s left to say
As our planet rotates one more day
And the Moon with no spin
Causes seas to rush in
While my tide of ideas ebbs away.
Etiquette
Susie did something wrong, (please don’t quote).
I think it will sure “get your goat”.
So shameful was she,
That she started to flee.
Susie helped a man on with his coat.
A lot of what we’re told today,
Don’t believe it in any old way.
Most of the din
Is doctored up spin
To hide the truth that they wouldn’t say.
Historians rating of Trump Presidency…
The ratings say you’re not the first;
The consensus is second to worst,
So stop all this spin
About your stolen win
And let your bubble be burst.
After eating his kith and his kin,
Sweeney asked Mrs. L for her spin
on the practice of such.
She said, “Don’t eat too much,
Because gluttony, luv, is a sin.”
Ms. Lovett’s meat pie is a whopper.
It’s made with a freshly shaved copper.
That defender of law
Is served with some slaw.
She warrants the meal is quite proper.
corrected limerick from July 4th. 2:23 PM “Mabel’s Etiquette”
I’m breaking a rule for tonight.
There are times when a gal has to “fight”
I’ve invited “My Jake”
For some coffee and cake.
And I’m placing our forks on the right.
Hearing others eat truly I dread,
slurped inhaled liquids pour instead.
For solids past through lips,
lips clean off no more drips.
When you hear others eat not well-bred.
“It Never Fails”: Mom and Dad’s Vacation
You’re taking a nice scenic spin
On your way to the “Calm Tranquil Inn”
But always assume
In the next hotel room
You’ll hear people committing a sin.
Wrong Pronouns Correction To Above Limerick:
They’re taking a nice scenic spin
On the way to “The Calm Tranquil Inn”
Yet, they both must assume
In the next hotel room
They’ll hear people committing a sin.
As a barber, S. Todd had no match,
For ’twas not only hair he’d dispatch.
With discretion he’d tend
To both stranger and friend,
Who’d end up in the end down the hatch.
Corrected version: (one too many ‘end’s)
As a barber, S. Todd had no match,
For ’twas not only hair he’d dispatch.
With discretion he’d tend
To both stranger and friend,
Who’d wind up in the end down the hatch.
As a Judge I’ve heard many a tale
Plus the old “I’m the victim here” wail.
Since you choose to begin
Your defence with more spin
I’m sending your lawyer to Jail.
Correction to July 4 – 5.51pm
I wonder what more’s left to say
Our rhyme word’s been turned ev’ry way.
Rhymes about (and with) Spin
Pursuing that grin
We all seek from the words that we play.
Sorry: I must have pressed “Submit” by mistake “Etiquette”
“The Prime Rib” is located In Baltimore, MD. Most natives call it “The Rib”
“You’ll just love my brother”
We went to a place called, “The Rib”
And even though he was quite glib,
He seemed very bright,
Was a gourmand delight.
Then he fastened his Donald Duck bib.
Etiquette?
There’s this old biddy named Lisi
Who’s trying to make having her easy,
But I wouldn’t care
To go anywhere there,
I prefer them refined and not sleazy.
“If you don’t say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’
Sadly I’ll have to spank you.
I don’t want to bore
But it’ll hurt me more…”
“Oh don’t be a jerk, you old wank you.”
He thought he would go for a spin,
After downing a bottle of gin;
Zoomed out of control,
Crashed into a pole–
Bad news for the poor next of kin.
A blooming but bashful coquette
Bit into a luscious baguette;
The roll was so sweet
She barfed on her feet–
A societal queen? Not just yet.
Said the PR flack, “Sure, it’s a win,”
When his panicky boss called him in;
“Some wacko accuser
‘Calls me an abuser-
‘I trust you can handle the spin.”
Those Dervishes all love to spin
To show what a great mood they’re in;
Like pups that prevail
In chasing their tail,
Like Lassie or once Rin Tin Tin.
If you again want America great
It obviously isn’t first rate,
Then why all the spin,
That raucous old din,
Or have you a genetic lie trait?
Correction
Those Dervishes all love to spin
To show what a great mood they’re in.
Like puppies prevail
In chasing their tail.
Like Lassie or once Rin Tin Tin.
A barber shop up on Cape Cod
The barber? A proper S. Todd
A McDonald’s near by
Always in fresh supply
Of burgers and buns. O.M.G.!!!
A guy took a gal for a spin.
They parked, and committed a sin.
Then the car wouldn’t start,
So she fixed it. (She’s smart.)
She puts out and knows autos? Win-win!
Cartoon Etiquette, (acrostic)
R oger Rabbit was filled with chagrin.
U tter madness was making him spin.
L eft ? or right? goes the spoon?
“E at in my balloon”
S aid Snoopy, “It’s not such a sin”.
(Snoopy’s “thoughts” were always in Charles Schulz’s “balloon”)
No offence intended to Blondes. I know you’re (probably) no dumber than anyone else, so you can rest assured that you feature here only because Brunette has two syllables! 😇
A dumb Blonde’s car broke down in a wood
Her guy went to fix (if he could).
“Darling, This pedal thing
Is what makes the wheels spin, –
So why’d you look under the hood?”
With etiquette that is her own,
She sets a most dignified tone.
This elegant matron,
With grace serves each patron
Some lecherous sex on the phone.
“We play Poker for fun, not to win.
I found out that it’s not a true sin.
We ante with millions,
We’ve changed to to billions.
C’mon , Mr. Broke, take a spin.
The only genuine thing about Trump
Is he’s fat with a rather large rump.
Don’t get taken in
By his lies and his spin
Or you’ll end up as the chump.
I Messed a key Stress-word while waxing
This lim’rick I’m finding quite taxing.
In This one the Spin
Is the Stress that I’M in
In a pastime that should be relaxing.
Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and such,
On good manners will keep me in touch.
So, I take there’s a price
When I fail to make nice.
Can I take their advice? Not so much.
Paws in the action?
Whined old Leaper to Leaker (his twin)
Now dog-tired, his patience worn thin,
“When I think I can’t whisk
Off again — oy! my disk —
Jerk comes up with another new spin.”
I wish to conVEY to our limerick master webmaster a thank you for the correct spelling of “oy.” Happy belated Masterfulness.
****
From Mad:
LOL! You’re most welcome!
Corrected: from July 4th. 12:15 pm (Etiquette)
“Now listen here, “know it all” chap:
I’ve deaf ears to your old-fashioned crap!
At 90 years old,
I’m feelin’ real bold.
And will NOT fold my hands on my lap.
Mrs. Goldstein’s Proper Speech Academy
For The Yiddish Challenged
Right here in good ‘ole Illinois
There’s a school that Sjaan might enjoy.
It’s called “Proper Speech”
And Ms. G. will teach
Sjaan how to spell and say “oy”
While Covid’s rife multiplication
Needs little or no provocation
It is science that will win
Not political spin
Over which vaccine’s best for the Nation.
I used to let people incite me;
I’d yell and invite them to fight me.
Good manners I learned
From the beat-downs I earned.
Now I calmly tell folks just to bite me.
Give the roulette wheel a nice spin
Then throw the marker ball in
Keep your foot on the pedal
To make sure it will settle
So none of the punters will win.
Neil Armstrong from the capsule I’m in:
It’s not flat, it does definitely spin.
Greenland is much smaller
And Antarctica taller
Than the Mercator Projection they’re in.
My doctor with etiquette will
Suggest that I take his new pill.
His expressed diagnosis?
“It’s only neurosis.
It’s just in your head that you’re ill.”
To: Proper Speech. Unltd.
Illinoise, USA
Dear Ms. Goldstein, I cannot conceal,
My desire to be more genteel.
Interjections of “Oy!”
Into chatting — what joy!
Now I’m ready to tackle “schlemiel.”
Mrs. Lovett, a courteous thief,
From her lies about pies found relief.
If some tasted bitter,
She’d say with a titter,
“Beg your pardon, it’s just some old beef.”
SJAAN
Sjaan, you are not a schlemiel.
You’re a writer with unending zeal.
Your lim’riks are cool.
(Schlemiel is a “fool”)
You’re what I would call “the real deal”
Zeyn gezunt
Ms. Goldstein
Senior Pole Dancing Class
“To pole dance, you must learn to spin.
Take your blood pressure pills, then begin.
But if you should slip,
You might break your frail hip,
Or injure your arthritic shin.”
Let’s try this again with actually using the Etiquette theme
Sjaan, you are not a schlemiel.
You’re a writer with unending zeal.
Your lim’riks are cool.
(Schlemiel is a “fool”)
You’re polite, very skilled, and genteel.
“This indictment’s a kick in the shin,
And I can’t get a pardon like Flynn,”
Groaned Weisselberg. “Allen,”
Said Trump, “Here’s a gallon
of bullshit to give it good spin.”
At SoulCycle they cruelly shout, “Spin!”
And the music’s a horrible din.
My poor crotch on that seat
Hasn’t had such a treat
Since my B’ris when they cut my foreskin.
Good staff always keep abreast of the situation.
A 3-verse tale with etiquette in the tail.
A large-breasted Queen we’ll call Mabel
Dined in low-cut attire trimmed with Sable.
When Her bra, at (t)its junction
Relinquished its function
Its contents escaped to the table.
The butler flew in through the door
Knowing all this had happened before.
To rescue Queen Mabel
he’d brought a giant Ladle
Guests Knew (but pretended) “what for?”
While some guests were now thinking the worst, –
(that this chap would be fired and much cursed)
Her ‘Man’ saved the day
In his elegant way
By warming the Ladle up first!
Take the American Dream
It is not what you might seem.
With each new set of kin
It takes on a new spin,
A change from the original meme.
Ashli Babbitt would not have been shot
Nor rioters there on the spot
Trying to break in
Were it not for Trump’s spin.
Does he take the blame? He does not.
The New Company Refrigerator Meeting: Do’s and Dont’s
The company frig is brand new.
I must say, “It’s been long overdue”
Didn’t go to the meeting,
Cuz now I am eating
A roast chicken sandwich named “Sue”
As my pirate grandma sat there knitting
Captive audience, ‘AYE’, coyly sitting
With a sly, toothless grin
Quite a yarn did she spin
Yes, the irony was quite befitting!
“Take advantage…”, I mused with a grin
For my date with the Siamese twin
Twice the fun, but still dicey
As they both did entice me
“You’re a two-faced liar!”, was their spin…
I saw it on Broadway. So glad!
They then made a movie. Egad!!
If you really must know,
Sweeney Todd was the show.
Johnny Depp? He was properly bad.
A bris? A schlemiel? Both today?
So Yiddish! But what’s there to say?
I might want to retch
But never will kvetch.
It’s hard to Jewish. Oy vey.
The Fates, they just sit there and spin,
No matter which myth they are in.
Our fate’s in their hands,
Weaving long or short strands.
There’s no point in dispute. You can’t win.
Correction
A bris? A schlemiel. Both today?
So Yiddish! But what’s there to say?
I might want to retch
But never will kvetch.
It’s hard to be Jewish. Oy vey.
Etiquette?
Mr. Goldfinger couldn’t really shit
So his finger was used to help it,
When told he must wash
He said that’s just tosh
And it tastes really good when it’s bit.
That old Etiquette needs a new spin
There are Rules some regard now as sin
When gents Open the door
for a Woman, – not sure
If it’s Helpful, or patronised Zing.
(In UK English Door and Sure have the same sound: Dor/Shor)
In the etiquette stakes meine frau
Has the lead by a nose. This is how:
When in flatulent mode,
She will clench, as per code,
Then discreetly release as a sough.
When you Grab a neat phrase that you’ve heard
And you Need a great punch-line or Word
But it does your head in
When you can’t work that Spin
There’s no point, – you can’t polish a Turd.
So, Ms. Goldstein, I’ve nothing to lose.
I’m enclosing this check for my dues.
Since I know how to chin,
Gabble, babble, and spin,
I feel certain I’m ready to schmooze.
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
I drank a small bathtub of gin
And felt my head starting to spin.
I got a rebuke
Cuz Mom saw me puke
Two steps before I reached the bin.
Sjaan: I’m no maven, but I think you made a wee bit mistake.
If I’m wrong, forgive me,
Ms. Goldstein
“Sjaan, I sure hope you know “shmooze”
Means “chatting” with whom you might choose.
It doesn’t mean “sleep”
Don’t break down and weep.
I think that perhaps you meant “snooze”
****
From Mad:
Since Sjaan uses a whole bunch of talking-related words, I think Sjaan really did mean “schmooze.”
Oops, I see you’ve already corrected your error below.
Drooling is bad manners!
Spit rivulets roll down my chin.
It happens when ball gags are in.
I’ll catch hell from my Dom
and also from Mom
cuz corsets sure stain worse than skin.
Sjaan: If you thought that one was bad, I’ve got a worse one for you.
“Please accept my apology” You DO know what shmooze means!
Sjaan, I just re-read your verse.
I was wrong, please forgive, do not curse.
Your meaning of “spin”
Made me sure you will win.
Keep your money, I’ll now reimburse.
Sincerely, Ms. G.
Amy Vanderbilt once made a rule
That a gentleman never should drool.
But where topless girls prance
On the beaches of France,
To enforce it would surely be cruel.
Waldorf Astoria, Chicago, 11 East Walton St. (Gold Coast)
Miss Manners tells “What’s Proper”
At the Waldorf, you mustn’t look tacky.
Get a ride from your chauffeur or lackey.
And after you dine,
Remember it’s fine
And not tacky to smoke wacky backy.
Correction Above Limerick: Chicago’s Gold Coast Waldorf Astoria
(L4) “Miss Manners Says”
At the Waldorf, you mustn’t look tacky.
Get a ride from you chauffeur or lackey.
And after you dine,
It’s perfectly fine
And not tacky to smoke wacky backy.
He’s an amateur (‘even says “amater”)
Never heard of iambic pentameter
Vocab’lary’s thin
And it ain’t got that spin,-
Mostly stuff about Cocks and Diameter.
Etiquette
Mr. T. I sure know this won’t thrill you.
I won’t do a thing, Sir, until you
See I’m genteel
With proper appeal
Excuse me, Sir, now I shall kill you.
It goes against Emily Post
to fondle the butt of my host.
So politeness demands
I must sit on my hands,
and not help myself to rump roast.
When I overindulge in the gin
And my head and the room start to spin,
It is all I can do
To cling on – oh, you, too?
I’m not lovin’ this spin that I’m in.
There are people who say that to spin
You must always join hands with a twin.
If you try to do so
You will just have to to go
‘Cos spin is the loneliest sin.
Mark Twain asked for Etiquette Books
But his publisher just offered looks.
If you think it’s not true
The best thing to do
Is to see if he’s on tenterhooks
Without etiquette, blunders abound.
Our faux pas give offense all around.
E.g., Blast out a trump,
Before taking a dump,
And just see how the echoes resound.
One night at a bar Rin Tin Tin
Took a bitch that he met for a spin.
“What’s your name?” he inquired,
And that night was sired
Young Lassie. Who knew they were kin?
In German “du spinnst” means you’re crazy.
“Du bist faul” indicates that you’re lazy.
“Eine Sünde”, a sin.
But enough of my spin.
All this is “ganz klar”, not not hazy.
Another typo!
In German “du spinnst” means you’re crazy.
“Du bist faul” indicates that you’re lazy.
“Eine Sünde”, a sin.
But enough of my spin.
All this is “ganz klar”, no not hazy.
Nigel often felt skittish and kiddish,
When his “loan words” turned out to be Yiddish.
For his Mumsy would say,
“Don’t be clumsy, I pray —
If you MUST borrow words, make them British.”
My father is groping my ma.
In public! It’s quite the faux pas.
But she acts no better.
She takes off her sweater
and leashes his neck with her bra.
She rose on her toe in a spin
but wobbled because of the gin.
You don’t look ethereal
when puking your cereal,
she found out to her deep chagrin.
Belching’s an etiquette breach,
or so I’ve been told by my teach.
Evidently I’m f#cked
if I gently eruct.
I thought it was freedom of speech.
Alternate line: I get my mouth washed out with bleach.
In my head, my eyes twirl and spin.
My lips form a loose, loopy grin.
I’m smoking tobaccy
and, yes, it is wacky.
That nickel bag cost me a fin.
Ms. Goldstein:
On this subject I don’t like to dwell,
But because you’re my mavin, I’ll tell:
I snooze when I schmooze
When I run out of booze.
So Okay. You were right. Now kvell.
I wince at the echoing din.
Vibrations sure make my head spin.
Then, amid all that vi’lence,
a moment of silence,
and drop of proverbial pin.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 473. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Tale.