Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 26, 2021)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TIMING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TIMING-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on June 27, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 26, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST-rhyme two-verse limerick:
A man was consumed and obsessed
With his passionate study of EST.
He threatened divorce
In order to force
His spouse to embrace the same quest.His wife in response said, “You’re mad!
And that fad’s turned you into a cad.
It’s controlling your mind.
We’re no longer aligned.
Quit that cult, or I’ll marry your dad.”
And here’s my TIMING-themed limerick:
A pianist who hailed from Venango
Was teaching while munching a mango.
“Your timing is off,”
She said with a scoff:
“It’s a waltz in 3/8; NOT a tango!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Cult Humor, Divorce Humor, Divorce Limerick, EST, EST Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marital Relationships, Marriage Humor, Marriage Limerick, Meter Humor, Mind Control Humor, Music Humor & Verse, Music Limerick, Music Teacher Humor, Obsession Verse, Pianist Humor, Pianist Limerick, Pianists, Piano Humor, Piano Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Rhythm Humor, Tango Humor, Tango Limerick, Timing Humor, Timing Limerick, Waltz Humor, Waltz Limerick, Writing Prompts
“Can’t Write A Joke To Save My Life”
The Grandfather Clock is now chiming.
This next line is only for rhyming.
This limerick verse
Is now getting much worse.
Don’t blame me, I just have bad timing.
Timing
Oh how, they were joyfully prancing.
They thought they were truly entrancing.
The music then ended.
The wedding was splendid.
And Gertrude and Sam were still dancing.
R. I. P.
While hosting a lively fest
He signed a most generous bequest
Disheriting kin
And all of his men
(Had been done at the widow’s behest)
Don Giovanni absorbed in his quest
In doing the thing he knew best,
Seducing gals gladly.
It all ended badly.
I won’t bore you. You DO know the rest.
I once made a serious request.
I asked her to NOT get undressed.
You might think me rude,
But when in the nude,
The lady had hair on her chest.
To my wife, I so fondly bequest
A commitment which must be addressed.
I’ve paid only a portion
Of what’s owed for extortion.
My behest is she pay off the rest.
It takes timing to be first in line
With limericks always divine.
She makes it look easy.
The Gods all love Lisi.
Dionysus sends her some wine.
I will finally achieve my quest
When Mad Kane chooses mine as the best
I should be the winner
I’m no rank beginner
As all of my friends can attest
Said Arthur, “Gwen, this is my chance,
For the Grail is the stuff of romance.
I’m the one on a quest,
So I’ve got a request:
Please try not to get pricked by a lance.”
Here’s on on both the rhyming word and the theme:
I dreamed I received this bequest
From no less of a star than Mae West:
“As my time is now up,
For the way he would schtupp,
I am leaving Steve Benko my chest.”
Timing: Show Business
To tell a good joke you should state
Something tempting and then you must wait.
Take a 2 second rest,
Then deliver the best.
Start all over again with the “straight”
“This century’s really bad timing,
For I’m lousy at balcony climbing,”
Said Romeo. “Dear,
In some far future year,
We’d have FaceTime, and great sex be miming.”
Some hunters are eager to kill
The deer, and they think it’s a skill.
But the timing of deer
Is laughably clear.
When danger is near, they stand still.
Second sons, by tradition, less blest,
Were compelled to set out on their quest
To find fortune and fame,
Though a few, who lacked shame,
Said, “I’ll marry for money when pressed.”
Request and REALLY BAD Timing: The “Heidi” Catastrophe:1968
(Who can ever forget?)
The Raiders and Jets, what a game!
What happened was one goddam shame.
At the anchor’s request,
Not a soul was impressed.
N.B.C. was the network to blame.
The firing squad was about
To kill Peter, who started to shout:
“I have one last request.
Will you all do your best
To forget about wiping me out?”
Write a Lim’rick ‘bout Timing, you say.
I’ll Get onto That right away.
I’ve got Fourteen days’ time
To write the best rhyme.
Well, – Twelve, -if I Don’t count today.
To my wife, I do hereby bequeath
A beautiful intertwined wreath.
And to Grandpa, a brush
That’s amazing plush,
Cause not once did this man brush his teeth.
Write a Lim’rick ’bout Timing, I read
as I Sat, with blank mind, by my bed.
There’s One from last Week
l could Maybe repeat
But No ideas Come, (as I Said).
Crowed the son, “At last I’ve been blest,
‘I’m rich from our father’s bequest.”
Imagine the chill
When they opened the will:
“You get one dollar, our brother the rest.”
When his wife made a simple request
To get all his suits cleaned and pressed,
He shot her a look
And laughed til he shook–
“You’re asking me? Shirley, you jest.”
What is it about the word “timing”
That resists all my efforts at rhyming?
I sit here in sorrow,
Can’t beg, steal or borrow–
I guess my poor brain just needs priming.
When my crazy aunt hits the dance floor
Inhibitions go straight out the door.
She’ll Flail and she’ll sing
To that Dave Brubeck swing
While trying to waltz in 5/4!
To my daughter, I here by bequest
My estate, (it’s a great place to rest)
The dregs of the group
May have all my pea soup.
Cause they think that they all are possessed.
Corrected Limerick: (L5)
To my daughter, I hereby bequest
My estate, (it’s a good place to rest.)
And the dregs of the group
May have all my pea soup.
Cause I think that they all are possessed.
Corrected Limerick (L5) (June 12. 8:52 PM)
To my wife, I so fondly bequest
A commitment which must be addressed.
I’ve paid only a portion
Of what’s owed for extortion.
And suggest that you pay off the rest.
Getting knighted on Buck’ Palace green
He mis-timed his approach to the Queen.
Tripping, (raised sword in place)
he head-butted her face
And since then has never been seen!
Often Ran up the very high stair
to jump Down to a Huge bag of air
But in May, Not au fait
With the maintenance day
Looked for bag from mid-air. Wasn’t There!
Corrected version of June 13. 10.13pm
Getting Knighted on Buck’ Palace green
He mis-Timed his approach to the Queen.
Tripping, (Raised sword in place)-
head-Butted her Face
And since Then, he has Never been Seen!
THE original bad timing (imho).
With a smile and a fresh fig-leaf thong
Eve wandered the jungle (for Kong?)
She soon was detected
By Homo Erected
Now I Ask: What ON EARTH could go wrong?
More Bible frivolity, – Adam/Eve Equality?
Adam: “Hey God, what’s my Fate?”
God: “Good Timing, – I’ll Make you a Mate,
with Two Tits and a Twat,
from your Rib!” (How cool’s That!?)
“Now get Busy you Two, – Populate!”
“Your timing is off when you squirt,”
In bed complained Ernie to Bert.
“I’m just getting going,
And there you are crowing,
While I’ve got a stain on my shirt.”
Dear Florida: I have a request.
In two months, I’ll be your guest.
Is it too much to give
if you just let me live.
I’ll stay in my room, hide and rest!
A math teacher’s final bequest
Was expressed in the form of a test:
“Don’t be sad; be a hero.
Divide laughter by zero.
Inter me with infinite jest.”
The Correct Timing
Mr. Louis Pasteur calmed his woes
When he told all the docs, “Don’t expose
Your patients to dirt.
I’ve put out an alert:
“Close ’em up first, and THEN pick your nose.”
My name’s Frosty, and here’s my bequest:
I leave everything I have possessed
To my wife, (a good soul)
A nice piece of coal,
And a carrot. (Hon, that is my best)
Oops. I put the stress on the wrong syllable in “Dionysus”. (Those Gods are all Greek to me.) Here is a revision.
It takes timing to be first in line
With limericks always divine.
She makes it look easy.
The Gods smile on Lisi.
Dionysus will toast her with wine.
I’m confused ’bout my Grandpa’s bequest.
This document leaves me quite stressed:
“I leave you my gems.
They’re somewhere in the Thames.
So dive in and keep swimming due west.”
007 was off on a quest
In search of martinis, the best,
That were made by the book,
Simply stirred, never shook.
With an olive and no lemon zest.
Not exactly true, Rudy, but thanks!
I just now wrote Mad a “Facebook Confession”
“Timing”
Dear Rudy, your timing’s superb.
I sure hope I didn’t perturb
Our Mad, she now knows
I was not on my toes.
Cuz I thought that bequest was a verb.
Stand Up Comedy: set up and punch line
“Timing”
If you want real tremendous applause,
You will get them, but only because
You told your joke right.
It was sure “outta’ sight”
And you’ve mastered the “art of the pause”
She crafted brassieres by request,
And her products were known as the best.
They were comfy all day,
All her clients would say.
Of their needs she was keeping abreast.
But she needed a loan. It was just
At that time that her Savings and Trust
Jacked their int’rest rates high
So her cash flow went dry.
And her company, sadly, went bust.
Hi Lisi,
A timely alert. That at least.
Your grandpa was truly a beast.
T’would be a fool’s errant
To swim ‘gainst the current.
The Thames flows due South and then East.
(Sorry, an imperfect rhyme)
Thank you, Rudy. and now for an idea you just gave me!
“Mean Grandpa”
I’m confused about Grandpa’s bequest.
This document makes me quite stressed:
“I leave you my gems
They’re somewhere in the Thames.
So dive in and keep swimming due west.”
The day I was swimming due west
Was surely an unfulfilled quest.
All I saw was a smelt
And he gave me a belt.
To this day, I’ve a pain in my chest.
Timing
I must tell you about my sweet Pop.
This man was the “cream of the crop”
He could sure “cut a rug”
And Mom gave him a hug,
As they waltzed to the beat of the bop.
My fanatical fitness friend Chuck
Let loose in the park, ran amuck.
Jumped streams like a toad
Ran onto the road
And was killed by a large health-food truck.
quest and timing : a rehearsal for tomorrow’s presentation:
A Rehearsal For Tomorrow’s Seminar, using “quest and “timing”
“The Laundry Maven”
I have finally ended my quest.
I’m presenting a “Stain Remove” test:
Number one, “rinse the mud”
Number two, “wash the blood”
And THEN pull the knife from his chest.
When the stripper’s on stage fully dressed,
You can bet that she’ll be on a quest
To remove blouse and bra
With some moves that are raw.
She has something to get off her chest.
As Jason commenced his great quest
The Argonauts were quite impressed
When he yoked both fire-ox,
Killed the soldiers with rocks,
And the sleepless guard-dragon suppressed.
1960 – a record is climbin’
The charts – and the title’s GOOD TIMIN’.
On TV, Jimmy Jones,
Prances dances and moans –
His mis-timin’s show that he’s mimin’.
Corrected/replacement version of June 14. 7.38pm
My fanatical fitness friend Chuck
Let loose in the park, ran amuck.
In full heart-rate mode
Ran onto the road
And was killed by a large health-food truck.
A well-timed whisper.
On bus rides I look kind of funny
With a brown paper bag on my tummy.
But It keeps the seat clear
If a stranger comes near
When I whisper “Did You bring the money?”
Timing: Mary and John At Church
We read from the prayer book on Sundays.
But Sundays are truly not fun days.
Cause I am real small,
And John is real tall.
So we always return it on Mondays.
When the Queen’s dress malfunctioned at Marden
She diverted the stares, to the garden.
“With No more ado
Please enjoy this great view”
As her horse wandered through, with a hard’n.
“Never Give Up!”
I continue my arduous quest
To locate the world’s very best
Potato knish
It’s my resolute wish.
My shrink says I’m “strangely obsessed”
The Military Lead-Off Step (Timing)
I sadly just couldn’t keep up.
I felt like a thick-headed pup.
Always missed that first step.
And felt like a schlep.
Each time, I forgot ’bout the hup.
My audience applauded with zest;
An encore was their loud request;
With a deep tired sigh
I played Brahms Lullaby,
And crawled under the piano-to rest!
(in my blue tulle dress, of course)
“Man of La Mancha” “The Impossible Dream”
Don Quixote was rather obsessed.
Cause he wanted to “follow his quest”
Richard Kiley, the star
Actually didn’t go far.
He merely went backstage to rest.
Uncle’s made an unwritten bequest
To me alone, not to the rest;
My aunt looks and looks
Through his stacks of old books;
Hasn’t found the big stash – I can attest!
“Swatch Watch” (Swiss watchmaker, founded in 1983, only part that’s true)
Location of limerick: New York (or any) subway station bathroom.
“Timing”
“Hey Man, wanna’ buy a nice watch?
All your buddies will think it’s a “Swatch”
It don’t keep good time
But for only one dime,
You’ll be wearin’ a gem that’s topnotch.”
Correction of Line 5 of limerick submitted at 2:37 today And Line 3
Uncle’s made an unwritten bequest
To me alone, not to the rest;
My aunt looks and she looks
Through his stacks of old books;
Hasn’t found the big stash – I attest!
For decades it’s been my great wish
To prepare a most succulent dish,
But in my long quest
For the right lemon zest,
Please guess what expired – yes, the fish!
(33 years ago…)
Her friend had arranged a blind date
To meet her but he showed up late.
By then, just by chance,
I had asked her to dance;
How timing re-structured our fate.
Another spoiled meal in the pot;
My good timing for this one was not.
The sauce would not drown
Those veggies so brown,
And the meat was reduced to a clot.
My friends, I’ve an urgent request.
Put the lim’ricks you write to the test.
And if they’re obscene,
(You’ll know what I mean)
It’s best that you put them to rest.
My lim’ricks are rated first class.
They’re timely and smart, never crass.
No four-letter word
Will ever be heard.
On that you can bet your sweet ass.
I like funny Limericks when ‘clean’
and also when somewhat obscene.
But, (good timing given)
Love those that have driven
those Prudes to be Venting their Spleen.
Correction for limerick submitted 6/15 5:30 pm. Line 2
Another spoiled meal in the pot;
My good timing for this one was shot.
The sauce would not drown
Those veggies so brown,
And the meat was reduced to a clot!
Corrected Limerick from June 15th. 2:08PM
“Man of La Mancha” “The Impossible Dream”
So determined to follow his quest,
Don Quixote was rather obsessed.
Though his thoughts were bizarre,
He didn’t get far.
He merely went backstage to rest.
The prisoner, soon to be dead
Had lowered his very sad head.
He had one last request:
“For my ultimate rest,
Can you get me a Sleep Number Bed?”
A notion that once got me going
Was to write the most pristine-clean poem.
Persevered with my quest,
Gave my absolute best
But the fucking thing just wouldn’t rhyme.
(Sorry, can’t help myself sometimes)
An attempt to atone (see previous)
A glimmer of light gives a hint,
window’s open, – a faint smell of mint.
Worker Bees on their quest
with their buzz and their zest
Tending blossoms with colourful tint
What a perfectly timed summer dawn
Now the songbirds are signalling morn’
Full-on sun, – warm and kind,
Sees us pull down the blind
Then go open a beer and watch porn!
I plan as great writers all should;
My timing and rhyming are good;
I’ve missed nary a beat
And my story line’s neat,
So why am I not understood?
(no gripe intended)
My friend thinks that I’m a big pest;
I repeatedly state, not in jest,
“Don’t toss out your mask,
That’s all that I ask,
‘Cause from you I don’t want a bequest!”
That My Pillow dude was upset;
His Trump rally still hadn’t yet
Seen the flyover jets.
That’s as good as it gets
When you’re placing the Former Guy’s bet.
“I have just one simple request.”
She said to her overnight guest.
“When you get up to go,
Give a tug on my toe;
Then kiss me and I’ll do the rest.”
Adolescents and geezers alike
Inappropriately often will strike.
They think they are flirty
When they’re talking dirty.
It’s time that they just take a hike.
Yet another bill from Nicor Gas Co.
Dear Nicor, I have a request.
Stop sending me bills; you’re a pest.
You claim I have gas .
How dare you be crass?
I assume this will soon be addressed.
It’s always just after I ‘Send’
That I think of a far better End.
The amended appendage
With much improved endage
Is finally mended and Penned.
Way Back When: Bad Timing!
We high school girls tried being calm.
And act with real perfect aplomb.
But it sure was a shame
That each time it came,
It was always the night of the prom.
That didn’t make sense! Try again
We high school girls tried to be calm.
And act with real perfect aplomb.
But all of us knew
What was bound to be true:
We would get it the night of the prom.
So some pirates make ‘booty’ their quest
Or with shaved wooden legs they’re obsessed
Two abreast (vs. ‘tush’)
More than one in the bush
Aye, you’re apt to strike gold – treasure chest!
Is Melania still on her quest
Something about “Be Best”?
Well she should tell her spouse
Be a man, not a louse
And concede the election contest.
Trump’s lost to the populous twice
And he’s aiming on making it thrice.
It seems that his quest
Is a flagellation test,
Total humiliation the final price.
When you undertake your quest
Do not decide on second best.
Don’t succumb to the dash
Wham, bang, wallop and crash,
Sure, slow and steady beats the rest.
Timing?
“There’s nothing new under the Sun”,
Is as wrong as all sayings come.
At each second’s change
All does rearrange…
Time changes and can’t be undone.
Trump, at his own behest
Has been busy feathering his nest.
He has steadfastly refused
And cried, “Falsely accused!”
To fulfil a taxed-income request.
Yes, with Lim’ricks it’s ALL about TIMING
Accents, meter, and flow can trump rhyming
Add some humor and wit
For a synergic fit
5th line ‘GONG’ is the goal, not just ‘chiming’
There are times I feel zest for a quest,
But the questions I have get me stressed.
Is it best done outside?
Must I slog? May I ride?
And when questing, how should one be dressed?
What abuse might my searching entail?
To be blunt, must I hunt tooth and nail?
Should I make a bequest
Before leaving my nest
Lest I fail the whole test? — Holy Grail!
World Conscience 3-for:
So if seeking THE TRUTH is your quest
As the man on the cross did bequest
Thou shalt end ‘human’ lenience
In the form of convenience
From pro-choice to pro-life, by request…
“So Much In Common” (Timing)
Found each other at just the right time!
He was handsome and simply sublime!
We met in the clink.
And what a great link!
We committed the very same crime!
True Fact: The Importance Of The Timing Of Dribbling In Basketball Is Crucial.
A one an’ a two, just keep dribbling.
The coach knows what’s best, so no quibbling.
Your team’s lost the game.
And you are to blame.
You cannot just stop and start nibbling.
Good Day, how are You, my name’s Bevan
Your time passed, – you’re in limerick heaven,
Where you’ll always be fine,-
The free wine is divine.
But the not-so-good news
(While enjoying your booze)
Your quota of lines is now seven.
Amniotic Blues: “The Drama Queen”
I’m timing the pains, oh, I’m weak!
So scared that I’m just gonna’ freak!
What the hell’s this warm stream?
Pardon me, if I scream.
Oh my God! I have just sprung a leak.
Mom’s timing, – conniving?
Left her gold chest to brother and me
Though she knew he had stolen the key
The chest, – her bequest
is in far Budapest.
She left spare key & ticket, – to Me!
Joseph Campbell, may his name be blessed,
Taught us of myths of the heroes quest.
He taught us, in the stories he told,
Of young men so brave and so bold
Surpassing a life challenging test.
Added some extra punctuation
Joseph Campbell, may his name be blessed,
Taught us of myths of the heroes quest.
He taught us, in the stories he told,
Of young men, so brave and so bold,
Surpassing a life challenging test.
Oops, another typo. June 14, 5:07 pm
“errand” instead of “errant”. Sorry, not a good rhyme.
A timely alert. That at least.
Your grandpa was truly a beast.
T’would be a fool’s errand
To swim ‘gainst the current.
The Thames flows due South and then East.
I once had a serious request.
My mom had for long been at rest.
No, it wasn’t her cough.
A sneeze carried her off.
I askled that by God she’d be blessed.
They played crap at the disco last night
The DJ was high as a kite
“Do we have a request?”
I said “give it a rest!”
And that’s how I got in the fight.
The man made a simple request
For lunch to be place on his desk
When it wasn’t done
He snatched someone else’s bun
Then ends up in one hot mess
Another typo. (June 17, 10:50 pm)
I once had a serious request
My mom had for long been at rest.
No, it wasn’t her cough.
A sneeze carried her off.
I asked that by God she’d be blessed.
Bite your tongue?
“I can walk and chew gum — both at once!”
Is an adage my good sense confronts.
When a Pol of some note
Chimes right in with this quote,
Then I fear we’ve elected a dunce.
“It’s All Right With Me” (Frank Sinatra) “Timing” The Actual Lyrics:
“It’s the wrong time, and the wrong place,
Though your face is charming, it’s the wrong face.
It’s not her face, but such a charming face
That it’s all right with me”
My limerick version:
“The wrong time, the wrong place, real nice face.
So maybe, perhaps in this case,
We can both sneak away
But just for a day.
I can’t wait. You’re so cute. Don’t tell Grace.”
(From the weird news dept.)
Here’s Catwoman talking with glee:
“He’s more than a hero to me.
Just simply the best
To fulfill a request;
As cunning a linguist as he”.
“Unchained Melody” The Righteous Brothers: Part Of The Actual Lyrics:
“Timing”
“Oh my love, my darling, I’ve hungered for your touch
A long, lonely time.
Time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much. Are you still mine?”
My limerick lyrics: “( 1 day later) “Time Did A Lot”
“My darling, it’s been a short time.
Used to think you were really sublime.
Time doesn’t go slow.
And I want you to know:
Guess who’s no more in love with you? I’m”
She entered a bunch of romances;
Some starting with giggles and glances.
True love was her quest;
With none passing the test,
She’s sorry she blew all her chances.
(Corrected version – 06-18 4:24 pm)
Here’s Catwoman talking with glee:
“He’s more than a hero to me.
His timing, the beat;
You’re just not going to meet
As cunning a linguist as he.”
A stud who found strokes most appealing,
After sex, asked his date, “How ya’ feeling?”
“I’d say as for the boff,
Seems your timing is off,”
Came a tight little voice from the ceiling.
A Revised “Heidi Disaster” 1968: Raiders and Jets. If you watched it, no explanation is needed. “Request” and the most OUTRAGEOUS timing in sports history.
2 touchdowns, and that was the game.
No one sees it, and wow! what a shame.
At the anchor’s request,
Those 2 seconds get messed.
And Little Swiss Miss is to blame.
Oops! line 4 is wrong: 1968 Raiders VS Jets DISASTER!
2 touchdowns, and that was the game!
No one sees it, and what a damn shame.
At the anchor’s request,
The end gets all messed.
And Little Swiss Miss is to blame.
His job at the factory dock
Was strenuous – hard as a rock.
But hip-hip-hooray,
It’s retirement day!
He started by punching the clock.
Careful reading of the old man’s bequest,
left the wife very little, and distressed.
Her best years had swiftly past,
with grim future surely cast.
Because Rover, received all of the rest.
How do you write about time,
get all the words that rhyme.
Throw into a blender,
mix well with bartender.
The first word smoothie, sublime.
Begged a flea of a dog, “One request —
You roll over and I bite your chest.”
In the act the flea died,
But the dog simply sighed,
“Maybe now you’ll stop being a pest.”
Hi, Terry — I very much enjoyed your poetry in “A glimmer of light….”
I would say of your verses symbolic,
Linking birds, bees, and man in their frolic,
You have mastered a quest
In your limerick jest,
Making both beer and porn seem bucolic!
I frequently hear this request
That a lot of folks always suggest.
People never convey
Or be bothered to say
That somebody “gives your their best.”
A commercial that’s now on T.V.
Is one that I’d rather not see.
I wrote this request,
“Though this poor guy can’t rest,
I don’t care ’bout his problems with pee.”
The Cilantro, Saffron, Peppercorn, and Of Course, Grains Of Paradise Dilemma
It was nice, so we ate in the shade.
But OH! what this waiter conveyed!
I was forced to request,
“Though the food here’s the best,
Please stop yakin’ about how it’s made”
(corrected version #2 06-18 4:24 pm)
Here’s Catwoman talking with glee:
“He’s more than a hero to me.
His timing, the beat;
You never will meet
As cunning a linguist as he.”
Timing
For you, Jane, my heart’s always yearning.
At this moment, you surely are turning
Me on, now get ready.
I beg you, keep steady.
“Excuse me, my pot roast is burning”
It has been expressed, as our guest,
we have one big enforced request.
Restaurant service declined,
when your clothing’s not aligned.
Includes, when completely undressed.
In and then out of fashion,
From ho-hum to a raging passion.
If you’re quick off the mark
With the latest spark
You can really do well if you cash in.
Hi Sjaan
Thank you Sjaan for your very kind words
On my rhyme about booze, porn and birds.
Rural scene poem quest?
Plural drinks help the best, –
Muffet’s whey was with vodka and
curds.
I attempted to hit on a nurse
But my timing could not have been worse.
I had started to flirt
When she jabbed me. It hurt,
And my urges began to disperse.
Grandpa Gave Me The Wrong Directions
It states in my Grandpa’s bequest:
“With you, I have been so impressed.
I leave you my gems
They’re somewhere in the Thames
Dive in and start swimming due west.”
So Then:
The day I was swimming due west
Was one of an unfulfilled quest.
All I found was a smelt,
And it gave me a belt.
To this day, I’ve a pain in my chest.
Bob Recalls (Timing)
Missed my wedding, and now I am old.
I had promised her “silver and gold.”
Didn’t make it on time.
It sure was a crime.
Couldn’t help it, I still was on hold.
“Unusual Timing”
This morning, I sure had a fit.
So astonished, I have to admit.
I was reading the news,
And it gave me the blues,
When I noticed my lengthy obit.
“You‘ve stuffed up the end of line three”
MY LIM’S TALKING! Now How can that Be?
“You have written ‘Behest’
Where it Should say Bequest.
Next Time, leave the whole thing to Me”.
On Wining and Timing 🥂
The winemaker Shamus McPhee
Was found dead in a vat of Chablis.
The forensic team found
That although he had drowned
He had climbed out six times for a Pee.
If remembering jokes is your quest,
Let me tell you, the short ones are best.
And you’ll pick up your pace,
If you cut to the chase —
Punchline first, then forget all the rest.
Pentameter timing is neat
For poets in need of five feet.
This line just needs two.
So what’s there to do
With leftover words? Must I eat?
The Republican Party’s new quest
Is which looney idea is best
Should we still go with Trump
Though he caused us to slump
Or give a new leader a test?
Is it safe to be seen
Talking to Marjorie Greene
And is Ted Cruz
Destined to lose,
Is to vote suppress a wise scheme?
Secretly we know that Trump lost
Just make sure that he isn’t crossed,
So we make this request,
Not even in jest,
Venture his votes were out grossed.
I write with this acrid request:
Don’t say MUSTARD — not even in jest.
Now I’m smelling the stuff!
Yes, phantosmia’s rough.
(Well, at least I got that off my chest).
I don’t know anyone who didn’t see this! It’s a real easy quiz.
He was young and sure feeling much pain.
He loved her, no need to explain.
With the world’s CLOSEST timing,
The church bells stopped chiming.
As he banged away screaming, “ELAINE!”
The Former Guy had a request:
“Would you tell me I’m always the best?”
Melania’s laugh
Even woke up the staff;
“At what – is this some kind of test?”
Memo to self:
When your rhyming and timing’s a mess
Keep ideas that you like to caress, –
that are clever and Punny
with a Punch-line that’s Funny, –
Less cerebral, – more K.I.S.S.
The most precise timing. A skill for “the few”
You have finally learned to jump rope.
Now don’t climb up that slippery slope.
You’ll need more than one crutch
If you try “Double Dutch”
So stay put on the ground, where’s there’s hope.
“Falling In Love” a 1984 film starring Meryl Streep and Robert De Niro
By chance, they both took the same train.
Perfect timing, not hard to explain.
My problem’s the title,
(In films, very vital)
What genius came up with this name?
I just noticed the rhyming error in above limerick, line 5
I shall attempt to fix it.
“Falling In Love” a 1984 film starring Meryl Streep and Robert De Niro
By chance, they both took the same train.
Perfect timing, no need to explain.
My problem’s the title.
(In films, very vital)
Who came up with this name? What a brain!
His new jet power system, he reckoned,
Would make him a fortune. Fame beckoned.
He crouched, legs apart
And set fire to a fart
And flew forward at six miles a second.
To explain In this limerick I’m writing
‘bout bad timing, could be somewhat blighting.
In a lim’rick comp’tition
A dodgy rendition
Shouldn’t be the example I’m citing.
For drummers, it’s keeping the beat
With both of their hands and their feet.
When timing’s precise,
It will always suffice;
If not, then they might lose their seat.
Greedy heirs will not rest till they wrest,
From my breast, closely pressed, my bequest.
Holy moly, Amen!
I have played them again —
No one guessed this was only a test!
Lisi – Des Moines IA viewers of the U.S. Open on Sunday had their “Heidi” moment also:
The golfer was making his shot;
A putt that the camera caught.
As it rolled toward the cup,
TV signaled “Times up!”
And viewer reaction was HOT.
Kitchen timer was set to “Not Sure”.
Much later: Huge bang then one more.
We’re all safe and sound
But we still haven’t found
Our cat or the microwave door.
Times have changed. (What, no eggs?)
The audience cannot believe
This performance so dull and naive
A few moments pause
Precedes scant applause
Then they all smile politely and Leave.
I’m so erudite and so clever,
A better President? No never.
I give as my bequest
An Apprentice Contest
So my memory will go on forever.
My Girl
They surely were singing sensations.
Their dance moves had cool variations.
With such timing PERFECTIONS,
In different directions.
(Who other than Motown’s “Temptations?”)
There are ladies who call by request
And oblige, doing what they do best.
I’ve a laundress, Ms Took,
Wields an iron and can cook,
And another, Ms Vamp, for the rest.
An ill-timed remark.
Got caught with their sails not unfurled
The mate Quipped “Not the end of the World”
Crew laughed at his ‘pledge’
Ship fell off the edge.
Now they’re drifting in space with toes curled.
He regarded her body with zest
As he openly ogled her chest.
When she’d had quite enough
Of such juvenile stuff
“Eyes up here!” was her angry request.
Young man’s quest, be mentioned in a will.
so he married someone old, sick and shrill,
Poison her, or cut bait,
killed her, tired of wait.
Why, that bitter old pill, left her spouse nil.
A young woman made a request
To cupid to give it a rest
“I’ve had hubbies three
Who were no good to me
And your arrows have damaged my breast”
He left me a generous bequest
By which you may say I’ve been blessed.
A mansion, a car
Harem in Qatar
But wait till I tell you the rest.
Corrected Limerick: “My Girl” (from June 23rd. at 12:55 AM
They surely were singing sensations.
Their dance moves had cool variations:
The timing PERFECTION
And harmonic connection
Created the brilliant “Temptations”
Eve’nin darlin’,my chorus was swinging.
Don’t know why, but my ears are still ringing.
I keep thinking ’bout Jack:
The kid in the back.
(I wonder what song he was singing)
Though I’ve tried to go off on a quest
To give constant connection a rest,
Seems there’s no hemisphere
Where I don’t end up HERE —
On-call at my cell phone’s behest.
When you give two new sex toys a test
To see which, for a bang, works the best,
You most surely will fail
‘Cause there’s no holy grail.
So you may as well give up the quest.
I’ve been thinking, of late, how the timing
Of church bells – the way they start chiming
Each day at high noon,
A predictable tune….
(This week’s theme word facilitates rhyming.)
I was ordered — It was no request —
To wear a real suit with a vest.
But in my own way
I still won the day.
I just left my trousers unpressed.
There once was a sleazy old wanker
For sex slightly kinky he’d hanker.
His timing was great.
He found a new date,
Who was glad he just wanted to spank her
“Serendipity” “You Look Tired” (Timing)
Predestined to meet on a train,
Here’s the plot, so please let me explain:
His pick-up line worked,
And somehow it perked
Her up, cause she’s now Mrs. Kane.
**********
From Mad:
An accurate bio detail, indeed.
The internet’s timely and glorious
In matters epistolatorious.
Thus, amorous females
Receive many e-males
And intercourse is less laborious
Up the limerick ladder, I’m climbing.
Years ago, didn’t understand “timing”
And I finally know
That to be a real pro,
You must never rhyme rhyming with rhyming.
The Emergency Room Collapse: (Timing) “One, Two, Huh?”
It was tragic and sad as could be.
On the floor, there lay poor Mr. Lee.
Didn’t land on the gurney.
‘Twas the end of his journey.
One dumb tech didn’t lift up on “3”
I complied with her pressing request
To place both my hands on her chest.
But got into trouble
(Her meaning was double)
She MEANT: Place in Trunk with the rest.
I sometimes play songs by request
For schoolkids at teacher’s behest.
Most tunes are OK
For that age group, I’d say;
But “Baby Got Back” failed the test.
(A little one made that request at an elementary school father/daughter
dance. Her dad looked a bit sheepish…)
Correcting the one(s) that may not be clear
The title of the movie is “Falling In Love” a 1984 film starring Meryl Streep
And Robert Di Niro.
“Perfect Timing for An Affair”
Predestined to meet on a train.
Love was calling, no need to explain.
And what a great title!
(In films very vital)
How unique! How outlandish! INSANE!!
This week I am out on a quest
To see Mad Kane’s limericks don’t rest.
My reason’s absurd
I just love each word
That’s included with infinite zest.
And we know that we’ll all like her timing
It’s a skill that she uses when rhyming
She needs to arise
And then open her eyes
At the top of the hill that she’s climbing.
Tweaking a previously submitted limerick…
I attempted to hit on a nurse
But my timing could not have been worse.
I had started to flirt
When she jabbed me. It hurt,
Thereby causing my zeal to disperse.
With a saxophone solo my quest,
First, I ready my reed for the test.
With my embouchure tight,
And the timing just right,
Then I blow my own horn through each rest.
I’ve been on a most fervent long quest,
To be hailed as the ultimate best
In big money -skimming
And quality-trimming –
Alas, no one’s put me to the test!
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.)
Her music was all out of timing
The lyrics were not even rhyming
The violins were flat
Sounded like a sick cat
And she didn’t just sing she was miming.
Edited version:
A youngish gal made a request
To cupid to give it a rest
“I have had hubbies three
Who were no good to me
And your arrows have damaged my breast”😁
My Ornithological quest
Was to find the World’s rarest bird’s nest
It belonged to a Dodo
It’s rumoured in Soho
Where secretly locked in a chest
My pursuance of all matters questral
And clues found in archives ancestral
Led the way to said chest.
The result of my my quest? –
Two twigs and a poorly stuffed Kestrel!
“The Sudden and Sad Appearance Of Timing”
Written by Lisi McCartney.
My troubles seemed so far away.
I thought that she always would stay
But now I must hide.
She’s ruined my pride.
How I want it to be yesterday.
She was small and demure, and his quest
Was to get her completely undressed.
When it happened, though, he
Was astounded to see
A Marine Corps tattoo on her chest.
As he came to this part of his quest
He screwed up, as perhaps you have guessed.
As they made love that day
He cried, “Anchors aweigh!”
“That’s the NAVY!” she yelled, unimpressed.
His timing could not have been worse.
The wrong words at that moment? Perverse.
(Maybe next time he’ll try
The right phrase: “Semper Fi.”)
He was stunned by how well she could curse.
Said her husband, “I have a request:
Could you screw with a little more zest?
Our love life was varied
Before we got married;
Now Willy feels under arrest.”
In physics, the term “multiverse”
Won’t earn from your rivals a curse.
But the deadline is looming
And Tim James is blooming;
He thinks that one stanza’s too terse.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 472. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Spin.