Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TOOL or TULLE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 15, 2021)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TOOL or TULLE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ZOOS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best ZOO-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 16, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 15, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my TOOL/TULLE-rhyme limerick:
The worst sort of boss is the fool
Who frequently acts like a tool;
When his OWN boss says jump,
He’ll obey like a chump.
Then who’ll suffer the consequence? You’ll!
And here’s my ZOO-themed limerick:
On a trip to our large, local zoo
We peered at its small new-born gnu.
That calf is so cute,
But it’s surely on route
To be horned, huge and cow-like, sans moo.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Animal and Pet Humor, Competition Limerick, Cow Humor, Fools, Gnu Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Tools Limerick, Writing Prompts, Zoo humor
Mad: limerick #1 is wrong. I just noticed how people would get mixed up.
I should be: Told my friends you are “surely no fool”.
Cuz you’re hammered all day, (that’s so cool).
Said, “He screws all night long,
All the chicks love his schlong.”
Boy! You’ve nailed it; you’re one hunky tool.
Could you please delete the first one, and put this one in instead?
Thank You, Lisi
********
I deleted it.
When the trash man drank all his wife’s gin
His chance of survival was thin.
She diced up the fool
With a very sharp tool
But he still wouldn’t fit in the bin.
“Get me out of here, I am just through!
All these animals stink, phew, phew, phew.
And look at that turd.
It’s so foul, it’s absurd.
I must tell you, this place is a zoo”.
At a price not too hard on my wallet,
Bought a gizmo with junk to install it,
Came with gadget-y tool
And a doodad that’s cool.
But it won’t fit my whatchamacallit.
Now here’s a grammatical “tool”
A rule the kids picked up at school
Silent P’s not a whim
Though it Can be, – in “Swim”
Hey Mum, can we jump in the pool?
So a fool can be one kind of ‘tool’…
Like Tom Sawyer, his friends did befool
Billy Bob, it was said
Sharpest tool in the shed?
He’ll be back for more work – thinks he’s cool!
We Took a Day-trip to the zoo.
Lots of blurbs there to test what we knew.
Though those Latin names suck
‘didn’t LOOK like a schmuck
Cuz I read them (but don’t have clue).
Power drill, indispensable tool
Measure twice, but drill once, as a rule
In the tool hall of fame
Apropos dual name
Tongue in cheek, you can call it a ‘drool’…
Mary asks John
“John, I’ve noticed that Phillip is blue.
Tell me why, dear, I haven’t a clue”
“He invented a tool,
But this scatter-brained fool
Didn’t team it up with the right screw”.
Cinderella’s a story that’s cool.
Handsome prince is quite smart, not a fool.
Since the slipper does fit,
With the prince she’s a hit.
And in bed he does slipper his tool.
Flamingos all pooping in sync
Take my Olfactory sense to the brink.
‘guess flamingos must poo
Just like we humans do
But my question? Why isn’t theirs pink?
Didn’t learn this at some Tech Ed school
Orange juice and some vodka my ‘tool’…
When up-TIGHT, from the grind
Tall Screwdriver, unwind…
I’m now LOOSE, versus tight, but no fool!
The best way to get by? Play it cool!
You may LOOK like a chump (a mere tool
Of the powers that be–
An obtuse worker bee)–
But in truth, you’ll be nobody’s fool.
Pete of PETA finds wholly elusive
How the masses can find zoos amusive.
“You think critters in cages
Should somehow engage us?
Wake up! Zoos are hugely abusive.”
Do not pet that bear, stand real still.
If you touch him, I know that you will
Be eaten alive,
And you will not survive.
And regret that you’ve made him real ill.
A perceptive small child named Ryan
Called the zoo’s BIG CAT out without tryin’
“Though you’ve BIG teeth and jaws,
You’re DISHONEST because…
I KNOW you’re a CHEETAH, or LION!”
Roamed the zoo eating ice cream (vanilla)
Came across the huge alpha gorilla
After dumping the candy
My wife, feeling randy
Jumped in just to see’f he could thrill’er
Mad, would you please delete my Limerick at May 1. 11.06. Thanks.
*********
Done.
They got married in Vegas NV
They’d been pissed for an hour or three
Then she saw through her tulle
She’d just married a fool
“….But you said you were Elvis Mk111”
I once learned in medical school,
For problems in passing your stool,
Try eating a prune.
Relief will come soon.
An enema’s not the best tool.
We’re pandas who live at the zoo
we don’t have a whole lot to do
but lie in the sun
play around and have fun
and spend all day eating bamboo.
The pandas made Jill, the giraffe,
erupt with a deep belly laugh.
But the laughter’s long trek
all the way up Jill’s neck
to her mouth took an hour and a half!
My friend the zoologist, Kyle,
can identify any reptile!
He says “It’s a gator
if you see it later.
A croc you’ll see after a while.”
On our latest day-trip to the zoo
Saw flamingos,- way more than a few.
Do the staff tear out hair
Counting how many’s there?
Or count legs then divide it by two.
The bride, looking splendid in tulle
Didn’t like to dress up (as a rule)
But the day of her wedding
The prospect of bedding
Her dude while undressing, was cool.
(One from 2016, when the Turkish President’s alleged … errr … sexual tastes were in the news)
“Bestiality? Oh, not that word again”,
Moaned plaintively President Erdogan.
“It’s my own private zoo;
I’m entitled to screw
Or to bugger a goat from my herd again.”
(Another oldie)
As they loaded the Ark’s floating zoo,
It appeared they were missing a few.
“Those unicorns? Banned ’em”,
Said Noah. “Can’t stand ’em.
I’m allergic to dinosaurs, too.”
A gorilla with bright orange skin
And a vast hippopotamus chin,
A rhinoceros rump …
It’s the one-man zoo, Trump!
(Did I mention his crocodile grin?)
Boasted Donald, “I’m hung like a mule!
Believe me, there’s no yuger tool!
My magnificent schlong
Is twelve inches long …
But it doesn’t get used as a rule.”
The mysterious unicorn’s fate
Has for years been a cause for debate
Never seen in a zoo
The researchers best clue
Is that Noah declared they taste great.
In the Bas-Limousin there is Tulle;
A town whose name sounds really cool.
As a site it was plum –
A real oppidum –
And a great place for Romans to rule.
‘cos I look like a fish I’m alone;
But at the zoo romance has grown.
My strange finny head
Charmed a large pinniped;
Or Frank – as he likes to be known.
I hope this gets the Mad Kane SEAL of Approval.
Teenage Tom, near the zoo’s hippo cage
Smoked a joint, ‘cause he thought it the rage…
Mom and Dad, mad as heck
Hung a sign ‘round his neck
“Hip, oh Pot, Thomas?” in words so sage…
Zoo staff Claim that some Animal type
can communicate with us (just hype).
The big Cat in the room
(That’s the Lion) likes Zoom
But the ones with the stripes prefer Skype.
I’ve returned cause I’m totally numb.
A danger this hammer’s become.
Though it may look real cool,
It’s a poorly-made tool.
Cause it never stops hitting my thumb.
For a long, circular saw cut fate
If you’ve tried, most of you can relate…
With a ‘guide’ as my tool
I’m, in hindsight a fool…
Yelled my wife, as my ‘guide’, “Cut it straight!”
“That penguin is makin’ me ill.
I’ll never go close to that bill.
It’s cute, that is true,
But it stinks up the zoo.
Cuz its breath smells like “Squirmy The Krill”.
A young bride had her wedding gown planned:
She’d create it herself — make it grand!
To her groom she said, “You’ll
Help me stiffen the tulle.”
He said, “Sure, I can do it by hand.”
It all started out with some goo.
All scientists know that it’s true.
It’s undoubtedly clear.
Because we’re all here.
From goo to the zoo, then to you.
Keen observers at our local zoo,
Walk right up to the bars and peer through.
Drawing close, some will howl,
“Yuk, these critters smell foul!”
While they’re staring at both me and you.
Hi Mad,
Sorry to trouble you again, but would you please delete my May 2, 12:48am posting (the zoophile limerick) with this, I think, improved version.
Thanks,
Rudy
A zoophile once went to the zoo
And patiently waited on queue
To see his be-love-ed,
And he was proud of it–
His mousy, adorable shrew.
**********
Done.
All It Takes Is a Look
If there’s one thing a man can’t resist,
It’s a woman who wants to be kissed.
Her expression’s the tool
That can make a man drool.
Then the chit-chat will cease to exist.
A dancer dressed up in a skimpy 2 2
joined her partner for a short Pas-de-2.
The girl’s 2 2 was not more than tull
but her Pointe Shoes really were a very cool tool
so together these 2 drew the applause that was due
I write limericks ev-er-y day.
With words, I consistently play.
I use one special tool,
(An imperative rule):
It’s called hamm’ring and hamm’ring away.
Johnny tries out for plays at his school.
But, truthfully, he ain’t that cool.
Didn’t make it as Lawrence.
I could sense his abhorrence
(He thought he was Peter O’Toole.)
It’s a race, elephant and giraffe
An event that enthralls the zoo’s staff
They drink water and see
Who’s the first that will pee
Ironic for the ‘pee till I laugh’…
I was standing there just like a fool
When the Elephant jumped in the pool.
The crowd all got soaked
but old Jumbo was stoked
Thought “must do that again, – I’m so cool!”
Do not go with your husband to Sears.
It will bring out your deep-rooted fears.
He’ll buy this weird tool
That he thinks is real cool:
An electrical broom for his ears.
My new soul mate just fills me with awe.
Bad cooking’s her only one flaw.
I use my new tool,
(So she won’t think I’m cruel)
And cut all the meat with a saw.
‘Twas a burden, that rigid old tool –
Every day, out it came at my school.
But now that twelve inches
Causes many big flinches,
So I’ve dropped my split wood as a rule.
When I say Trump’s only a tool,
GQP says, “That’s the point, fool!
He stokes MAGA erections
and can win us elections!
Whosoever hump’s Trump gets to rule!”
Jack Hammer, a chattering fool,
Pounds the pavement all day, as a rule.
He’s a chiseler, too.
Plus it’s also quite true
That he’s dirty and loud. What a tool.
Kangaroos, for ‘square’ meals, do a-bound
While the chimpanzees monkey a-round
The hyenas, you’ll see
Hunt ‘triangularly’
And baboons just ‘wreck tangles’ with sound!
You might think that baboons are just screaming
When in fact it’s political scheming…
Al-PAC-a, pick a side
Corrupt elephant ride…
Even fish have been known to be ‘teeming’!
All the elephants in the zoo’s pit
Rebelled with an organised shit.
The staff at the rumpus
Took shovels and compass
To dig their way out bit by bit.
She was thrilled and excited. She shined.
As a Judge she was fine-ly assigned.
She applied her set rule.
A wonderful tool.
Which is something we know as a “mind”.
I patiently waited until
I sensed that somehow I’d feel ill.
My dentist, Doc Ghoul
Came in with his tool:
A Home Depot 50 pound drill.
One tool that I use when I polish
My lim’ricks is handy and smallish.
Using lead as its fuel,
It’s a rubber-tipped tool,
With two settings: “Rub Out” and “Demolish.”
(Hi, Lisi! This verse was not, but certainly could have been, inspired by
your rendition of Doc Ghoul’s “finishing touches.” YMML!)
True Story. Age 10. Opening Boxes Of Shipments At My Mother’s Dress Shop.
(my very first job, 50 cents an hour)
I certainly didn’t impress
My mother, (a retail “success”)
With a very sharp tool,
I felt like a fool,
When I noticed just half of a dress.
Two dancers, both covered in tulle,
Were in search of a needle – a tool
to repair a loose thread –
and when somebody said
“How many will do?” they said “Two’ll.”
Gotta Go Once A Year
It’s time that I go into town.
The place where you wear a blue gown.
Doctor Spread has a tool
That talks, it’s so cool.
It commands all the gals to “MOVE DOWN”.
Mad: I wrote a limerick on May 2nd. at 8:13 PM
Instead of (He thought he was Peter o Toole) (L5)
Could you please change that to (He thinks he is Peter ‘O Toole)
Thank you, Lisi
**********
from Mad:
Don’t you mean Peter O’Toole?
With all due respect to Gounod and Goethe
In a legend not known as a rule,
A king was in love, like a fool,
To the day that he died.
Now the truth we can’t hide.
Le Roi de Thulé just loved tulle.
Yes, I did mean Peter O’Toole.
(sorry) I never typed his name before!
Thank You
Lisi
********
Done.
The inmates, now running the zoo
Ran a ballot to sort out who’s who.
The Lions are in charge
Cuz they’re fierce and quite large,
And cuz Meerkats just don’t have a clue.
Some big cats got caught in the rain
The tigers response was profane
All the leopards pen got
was the odd little spot
But the lions all stayed dry In the mane.
“What you hold in your hand is a tool.
Versatile, multi-functional.” “Cool!”
“It can be your best friend.
Keep it clean at this end.
No, it’s not meant to bend – as a rule.”
The Handy Shovel
Lots of shove’lin won’t do me no harm.
Piles of snow on this here country farm.
It’s a fine-dandy tool,
But I ain’t no fool.
It’s attached to my medic alarm.
Said a chimp, sipping tea, to his friend,
“A suggestion – why not buck the trend?
Let’s spectate and be rude.
Come out clothed and not nude.
Make them think it’s to us they ascend.”
The Human Zoo – An Iversion:
Said the lion, “Yes, we breed them on-site.
Very handy if one wants a bite.
This one? Yes, he’s a pet.
Haven’t eaten him – yet.
It amuses to know that I might.”
A pretty zoo-keeper called Leah
Will often display her cute rhea.
It’s brown and it’s round
And it makes an odd sound
And the crowd always give it a cheer!
Said a vet, “I castrate things for fun.
And the zoo is the place where it’s done.
Once an elephant there
Had a rather tough pair
And it had to be calmed with a bun.”
A python, a cobra and adder
Had a threesome entwined in a
Ladder
And an angry Taipan
(who’s just craving a man)
Is now sulking because they’d not had ‘er.
“The Extinct Zoo”
We traveled to Yore, walked all through
A place that indeed, isn’t true.
We saw dodoes that squawked.
And lots of Great Auks.
At the wonderful “Storybook Zoo”
My “lover boy” sure makes me drool.
Our sex life is totally cool.
When I ask him for more,
I’m not really sure
Why he says, “Give me time to retool”
Mad: above limerick: (L5)
Could you please change When he says “Give me time to retool”
To Why he says, “Give me time to retool”
Thank you,
Lisi
****
Done.
QUIZ : name the movie
He taught at a real fancy school.
His students all thought him a fool.
And at the Savoy,
He found his true joy.
His real name was Peter O’Toole.
The baboon’s pink bum’s always a smash hit
With the kids who say nothing can match it.
They just sit in the zoo
With their bum in full view
And then all the kids laugh when they scratch it.
Movie Quiz #2
A matinee idol, (uncool)
Turns out to be one drunken fool.
Benji’s out of his mind,
Cuz now he’s assigned
To watch over Peter O’Toole.
I craft tomes in my garden (when sunny)
About zoos, – my thoughts right on the money.
But sometimes I miss
And just end up like this
With a lim’rick that’s not very funny.
Rhyming Error! in the limerick, “The Extinct Zoo” (correction)
We traveled to Yore, and walked through
A place that indeed isn’t true.
Saw a dodo that squawks,
And lots of Great Auks.
At the wonderful “Storybook Zoo”
Every man has his favourite tool
Which he keeps bright and shiny. “So cool!”
Golden rule! Never lend –
Would you lose your best friend?
Damaged tool will offend. So, be cruel.
Lisi’s Movie Quiz: 1
Movie quiz number one is, “Goodbye,
Mister Chips.” Here I’m wondering why
You chose Peter O’Toole?
Version not at all cool.
Robert Donat was best, by-the-by.
Don’t worry Lisi, penny’s dropped. Senior moment. LOL
Lisi’s Movie Quiz: 2
Number two is, “My Favourite Year.”
Not his best work since Lawrence, I fear.
A great actor, O’Toole,
But by drink made a fool.
“He was lovely with Audrey.” “Here, here!”
“A menagerie?” “Name before zoo.
Started out being private but grew—”
“Into gardens, but why?”
“Like the one at Versailles –
Well, what else could they do with the poo?”
Just horsing around
Once again we are off to the races.
Lisi’s leading the field by some paces.
While the rest of us drool,
She has Limrick, her tool
Throwing turf from the track in our faces.
At the petting zoo, there in the crowd,
Stood a boy looking gloomy and cowed.
“Go on, touch them,” I said,
To which he shook his head,
“There’s a sign that says, ‘no pets allowed.'”
At the zoo I saw kids of young age
Tease the animals into a rage.
As my anger I fought
I had one single thought:
The wrong critters were inside the cage.
Movie plot redux :)
This jigsaw was quirky and cruel,
With a passion to punish and rule.
Add torturous terror,
And doomed trial and error.
This franchise? A cutting edge tool.
Sjaan, Saw 1 through 7 plus Jigsaw and Spiral. LOL T
We use a great plumber, named Jack.
He’s so skillful, he sure has a knack.
He invented a tool
That’s exceedingly cool,
Called “Stikum To Cover My Crack”
Tony —
Now, by “saw” do you mean that you’ve seen
One through nine? ALL that stuff on the screen?
Frankly, I lost my cool
With the first torture tool.
(But, then I also fear halloween).
After hours, the ‘tame’ zoo comes alive!
Nothing like what you see nine-to-five
Smart mon-KEYS spring alL-OX…
Dance-line ‘trained’, WILD LIFE rocks!
Hippos hip, the Roos hop, Jaguars jive!
My ‘fastener’ deceitful? Yes, it’s true…
Screw ‘up’ or ‘off’ was, sadly, all he knew
Inclined plane, the simplest tool
Just wrapped around a spool
Takes ‘mechanical advantage’ of YOU!
These zoo animals fit in your hand
They appeal to sal-I-vary gland…
Jungle beasts, as lip-smackers
They’re all animal crackers!
And the crowd “eats ‘em up”, as they planned!
A do-gooder who had not a clue
Stole albino black bear from the zoo
He “returned” the poor soul
To the frozen North Pole
Where he’s shivering ‘n screaming “FUCK YOU!”
Duel Tulle
The zoo had invited with pride
All to see their big ape with new bride
The gorillas looked cool
Wearing matching pink tulle
Such a beautiful sight, – we all cried.
For Tony , concerning “Goodbye, Mr. Chips”
My Response:
Dear Tony, you might be a fool.
I had to use Peter O’Toole.
Never thought he was great,
But that name carries weight,
When obeying the “limerick rule”
Tony: It appears that you liked “Lawrence of Arabia”, which of course, was a
masterpiece, but I have a problem with it.
Dear Tony, you must understand
(You’re hearing my secret first-hand)
I might sound like a fool,
I don’t like Pete O’Toole
Cuz I have an aversion to sand.
Zoo creatures foster fondness or fears
What they teach us can bring us to tears
To show what a ‘good sport’ is…
Game of ‘tag’, take the Tortoise
He’s been ‘it’ now for one hundred years!
At the zoo, all the natural peace is…
Broken up by loud monkeys called Rhesus
Zoo-keeper, well-intended
Went inside – bad, it ended…
He was broken up too, yes, in pieces…
Mrs. Goldberg was simply appalled
When the ape at the zoo wildly mauled
Her. Then became sad,
When she realized he had
Forgotten her, not even called.
Sjaan:-
If I had any say, they’d be banned.
Not the least bit surprised you’re unmanned.
It’s abuse of a tool,
Which is very uncool.
No, I’ve never seen one. Know the brand.
Lisi’s secret aversion. My promise:
It would seem in this inst, I’m the tool –
Which in parlance UK, means a fool.
I admit it, ashamed.
You are not to be blamed.
An exemplar, you stuck to the rule.
And your secret is safe. Lips are sealed.
Though I’m tortured, it won’t be revealed.
I am cross with O’Toole
For becoming a fool.
It’s a fact that I can’t keep concealed.
A solitary misanthrope called Hughes
frequently suffered the blues.
He then visited the zoos
from Syracuse to Vaduz
but was never seen at the zoos of Veracruz
—
She was flat-chested, big-arsed but cool
So her husband invented a tool
That migrated some bits
From her arse to her tits
Now his friends often turn up to drool.
The TV shows all sorts of views
Though there’s not often zoos on the news
But the latest reports
Cause hysterical snorts
Seems the Meerkats discovered some booze.
Did someone say ‘zoos?
Said the Queen (irritated, imperious)
To her Fool (slightly south of delirious),
“When in bed you amuse
With those stupid kazoos,
I think, Jester, you cannot be serious.”
O.K. So, it’s movies you guys like? This documentary was done in 2007.
In the grim documentary “Zoo”
A young man found his love, big and true.
He had sex with a horse,
And that killed him, of course.
His colon was torn through and through.
(How’s that for a “Liebestod”, Herr Wagner?)
A rammer is worse than a hammer.
Much louder, and causes a clamor.
The self-serving fool
Who invented this tool.
Is now in the “rammer room” slammer.
Graduate of the school of hard knocks
Trim and molding my business – it rocks!
Mitre saw as my tool
I cut angles that you’ll
Swear are perfect, and blow off your socks!
Wedding bells, zoo’s baboons, on the slate…
And the primate’s prime mate, she was late
When he lifted the tulle
She resembled a ghoul
Barks and claps from the seals ‘sealed’ his fate!
Carpenter’s ‘bag of tricks’ called a box
Can work magic, so sly, like a fox
And the ‘tricks’, each a tool
Craftsman art, makes me drool
How they master these skills, does flum-MOX…
In the zoo, the most tiniest ape
Got his hands on a measuring tape
Climbed a tree, stretched it high
‘Measured up’ – wonder why….?
He now ‘RULES OVER all’ – mouths agape…!
Bob Plumb’s my ‘utility man’
He built my addition per plan
With plumb bob as his tool
‘On the level’, he’s cool!
Bob Plumb keeps his plumb bob in his van…
Darn it, Mad: If you could delete those last two, (one limerick and one request), I will write this whole thing over. I just noticed another mistake.
(sorry)
“It’s not nice to bobb it”
A scissor’s a real handy tool.
In all colors, you might think them cool.
But if wifey’s half-cut,
And you sleep on your butt,
She might use it to do something cruel.
************
Done.
For Lisi: Sorry, Lisi! I’m struggling for inspiration and riding your coattails is the best I can do at th moment. LOL
To scissor: a verb, not a tool.
To Bobb it with one … so not cool.
Noun: scissors – a pair.
Even so, still unfair.
Butt or no butt, it’s still bloody cruel.
Mr. Zebra looked quite out of sync.
His stripes were not black, they were pink.
His pals at the zoo,
Explained, “He is blue,
Cuz his cartridge is real low on ink”.
Ms. Lady Giraffe had no fear!
To Mr. Giraffe, made it clear:
“At this zoo, Mr. G.
When you’re talking to me,
Please remember my eyes are up here!”
When his son sneaked away into town,
Dad flamingo said, (wearing a frown)
“You must stay in this zoo,
Hey! I’m talking to you.
Do NOT make me put my foot down!”
The zoo’s Python that EVERYONE feared
Was so DANGEROUS NOBODY neared
Out of bored isolation
Chewed his tail, in frustration…
And kept chewing till he DISAPPEARED!
All the squeaks, squawks, and words from a parrot
Zoo birds tweet, honk, and chirp – I can’t bear it!
There’s a coo, caw, and quack
That I’d like to send back
Where’d that bird dropping land? Yes, I wear it…
Zoo raccoon, Panda bear, they would play…
They were TRUE BFFs, ALL would say
So abrupt was their fallout
Heard a CRASH, knocked a wall out!
And they BOTH have black eyes, to this day!
Finally, zoo creatures not so scary…
Myna bird, cockatiel, and canary
But unlike all the others
They ‘talk back’ to their mothers
This could earn them ‘time-out’ in the aerie…
It’s all about the Goo
It all started out with the goo.
The scientists know that it’s true.
Because we’re all here,
It’s undoubtedly clear:
From the goo to the zoo then to you.
Mount Olympus had Gods, quite a few.
They were a cantankerous crew.
As Plato told Zeus,
“You take much abuse.
My God!! You are running a zoo.”
Tony! Do people in your country scissor? Here in the good old U.S.A.
we CUT with scissors; we don’t scissor. A cross-Atlantic thing perhaps?
Let’s ask Miss Prissy for some examples:
“Please give me the scissors, (a tool).
It’s a noun, not a verb, silly fool.
And are you aware
They’re the same as a “pair?”
And that is the “Miss Prissy Rule”
Hey Lisi,
Thought you might want to know. (And I’m American)
Dictionary
scis·sor
verb
1. cut (something) with scissors.
“pages scissored out of a magazine”
2. move (one’s legs) back and forth in a way resembling the action of scissors.
“he was still hanging on, scissoring his legs uselessly”
‘So is this how I meet the Grim Reaper?’
Cried the junior elephant keeper,
As he fell in the pit
Full of elephant shit
And sank deeper and deeper and deeper.
Dear Lisi!! Allow me to refer you back to your likerick, which begins:
‘A scissor’s a real handy tool.’
My limerick, which followed it, should be read in the light of this first line.
scissors – plural, not singular.
(also a pair of scissors) ‘I needed a pair of scissors to cut it open.’
And thank you to Rudy for saving me the trouble.
PS. You’re so sexy when you’re cross. (That’s Lisi, Rudy, not you – though I’m sure you have your moments. LOL)
Lisi: addendum:
I may be just a silly old fool,
And pedantic to boot, as a rule.
But a job that’s worth doing,
Be it Bobb-it or screwing,
Is a job that demands the right tool.
Stubborn people resemble the mule
And to move them requires the right tool.
An incentive, some say,
Plus, a spur is the way,
But I favour big bangs as a rule.
When a limerick mentions a tool,
It is usually rude, as a rule.
If you think this one’s rude,
Then it’s been misconstrued
As it’s perfectly harmless, you fool!
In the old zoological park,
A young earthpig was roused in the dark
By his mate, who’d in mind
Hours of love. He declined,
As it sounded too much like ‘aard vark.
In the zoo, an old elephant, Ernie,
Long deprived of his freedom to journey
By the bars on his cage,
Was so maddened by rage,
He demanded to see his attorney.
Saint Francis, as you surely knew,
In Assisi he went to the zoo.
As you must have heard,
He spoke to a bird,
Not only just one, but a few.
Said a gal to her guy: “Though you’re cool,
I like circumcised men, as a rule.”
He’s not keen on it, but
He’s agreed to get cut.
Thus their love life he’s gonna re-tool.
Channel 2 sent a Crew to the Zoo.
On the News was the Zoo’s two new Gnu
Zoo crew Knew the old Gnus
would soon Be the old News
As would Later, the Two new gnus Too.
The zoo’s ‘Prairie Dog Park’ was quite tame
All the ‘dogs’ (peek-a-boo!) look the same
Ups and downs, hard to find
‘Whack-a-Mole’ comes to mind
Heads or Tails, you can’t lose with this ‘game’…
Sign At The Zoo: Must Obey!
“There is something we strongly suggest!
“And we hope that it will be addressed:
To a tiger, you’re sweet,
A real special treat.
Keep Your Distance! You’re hard to digest.
When the animals down in the zoo
Want to do what all animals do,
They have nowhere to meet
Private, safe and discreet,
So they do it right there in full view.
All the doves that are housed at the zoo
Are upset and decide to pursue
A revolt, overthrow
The zookeepers. You know
That the doves will be staging a coo.
(Inspired By Bob Seger)
“My Job At The Zoo”
Mr. Zookeeper’s nice cause he lets
Me name all the zoo’s newest pets:
Mr. Elephant’s “Bones”
And his wife I named “Stones”
Cause “Rock & Roll Never Forgets”
Our 70’s music was cool
In cassette, all wound up on a spool
But not so much fun
when the tape came undone
A pencil, our best fix-it tool.
Mad, would you please delete my Limerick at May 8th. (12.52am) thanks.
****
Done.
A few metric miles from New Marden
a new zoological garden
breeds Fauna exquisite.
Their key pre-requisite, –
That one of each pair has a hard ‘n.
When in Oz, just avoid the zoo there,
With its lions, and tigers, and bear.
(Bet you’re thinking “Oh my!”)
It’s disgusting. Here’s why:
Flying monkeys fling poop from the air.
RuPaul dressed in drag, as a rule,
But never, no never wore tulle.
That stuff’s a disgrace.
He much preferred lace.
He was a true queen, not a fool.
[Inspired by Mad’s gnuest limerick today but also because I asked my daughter yesterday how they get milk from an almond.]
Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut ~
For my daughter, lactose can be cruel;
an Intel engineer, she’s no fool.
I asked, “How do you milk
tiny almonds for silk?”
“Two small fingers are best. There’s no tool.”
Intermarriage at Central Park Zoo
Is outlawed and simply taboo.
But when love’s in the air,
Them critters don’t care.
In June Mrs. Deer-Dhole is due.
The zoo’s jackals will constantly chatter
While hyenas prefer just to natter
They both scavenge at night
And maraud with delight
Good for laughs, but they’re NO laughing matter…
The long-SNOUT-ed anteater named Will
While still YOUNG, hovered ‘over-the-HILL’…
His apt nickname was ‘Hoover’
Ants (and Uncles) – hors D’OEU-vre!
‘Vacuum snort’ till he’d eaten his fill…
So, the Aardvark, a ‘night owl’ type guy
Asked the Barn Owl, one night, how to fly
Raised a stink ‘bove his pen
The he ‘phew’ back again…
As he was, belly up, in his sty
Said the Bactrian, “How do you do you do?”
To a camel, ‘joe’ break, passing through
“Since a Dromedar-y
I predict, to a ‘tea’
That you DO prefer one lump, vice two!”
Not A Duplicate
Intermarriage at Central Park Zoo
Is forbidden and simply taboo.
But when love’s in the air,
Them critters don’t care.
In June, baby Deer-Dhole is due.
By the light of the silvery moon,
A giraffe wooed a lady baboon.
She wasn’t enamoured.
“You’re too t-tall,” she stammered,
“And besides that, you sing out of tune.”
My grandma quite often wore tulle
As a veil and she hoped she would fool
Those looking to see
If it really was she
That was holding a dangerous tool.
I’ve heard that we have a new zoo
At Mare Al Lago. If it’s true
We’ll need to make sure
That it never gets more
Inmates that we all might just rue.
Mary Visits The Zoo
Don’t believe all that cuddlesome hype.
I’m so shattered, I sure have to gripe.
Tried to hug the zoo bear,
But he have me the air.
Cuz he told me, “You’re just not my type”
Otter, loon, and a duck all collided!
Botched the surgery – surgeon derided…
Kinda looks like ‘road kill’
Otter ‘stuck’ with the ‘bill’…
And zoo ‘Platypus’ what ‘coincided’…!
Flying squirrel, Sugar Glider, – the FINAL!
The ‘Soar-Off’, in 2 heats, was BINAL…
Sugar Glider, ‘Toot Sweet’
Agony of defeat…
Squirrel Rose, by a nose, it was RHINAL!
So the Ostrich and Peacock – a show-down!
To ‘impress Ms Emu’ the low-down…
The Ostrich did prevail
It was quite a ‘sad tail’…
When Big ’O’ wrecked P’s plume with a mow-down!
A pistol’s an excellent tool,
When it comes to fighting a duel;
One shot to the head–
The other guy’s dead,
Unless you’re the unlucky fool.
The porn king sat down on the stool
And whipped out his thirteen-inch tool;
The girls were in shock–
The sight of his cock,
Was enough to make them all drool.
Spider Monkey vs. Spider – who’ll win?
Yes, I KNOW the score BEFORE they begin
I won’t ID my source
‘Nil-to-Nil’ – why, of course!
You can ‘catch’ all the ‘scores’ n the ‘web’!
A. Hamilton, killed in a duel.
A pistol was used as the tool.
He lives on in a show.
Get a ticket, just go!
Guaranteed that you simply will drool.
The rabbi did like, as a rule,
To lecture his flock in his shul.
The whole congregation
Deemed him a sensation.
The bible was his only tool.
Quite a ‘flap’ for ‘who rules’ from male ‘phants
“Pack your trunk!”, “Leave this town!”, were the rants
But most ‘pull’ in zoo park
Comes from cow Matriarch
It’s ‘no bull’, since the Mom ‘wears the pants’!
“I need help!”, cried endangered red squirrel
“For this zoo job, I need one referral…
With a jolt, twitch, and flinch
Asked the rare Mangrove Finch
Who just chirped, “Oh, I can’t, you’re too neural!”
Count Dracula dated a ghoul.
They’d met once when they were in school.
To her great delight
He bit her all night.
His teeth were a great loving tool.
You might ask how we French bake our boule.
Yes, it’s made with a top secret tool.
No, not any old oaf
Could create such a loaf.
And I’m not telling tales out of school.
Poor Oliver Twist ate his gruel.
That watery slop was the tool
To keep kids in line.
Did Oliver whine?
What the Dickens, that kid was no fool.
The beer that is made by O’Doul
Just happens to be a great tool
For quenching your thirst.
But please chill it first
To be not too cold, but just cool.
There’s no ants worse than ‘ants in your pants’…
Oh, UNLESS all the ants are FIRE ants!
For their bite’s worse than bark
Unless you’re an aardvark…
Then, the ants launch ‘DEFY-ANTS’ with RANTS!
She’s a baker; her son is a fool
(Bluntly stated, he’s not a sharp tool).
She caught him one day
In her kitchen, at play:
“Hey, a Frisbee that ain’t! It’s a boule!”
Jack Rabbit starts on the Lynx, six a.m.
Tiger team shoots the Bull, then mayhem…
These ain’t AN-imals (LAUGH…)
They’re the zoo-keeper’s staff
Golf game DID net an Eagle (ah-hem…)
Hey Tim James,
I am flattered that my “boule” limerick inspired you to write one too.
But, using the same rhymes? I might charge you royalties.😏
Rudy
**************
From Mad 5/13/21 at 11:04 PM:
Rudy, please don’t throw around accusations, even in jest.
Tim’s been entering my Limerick-Offs for many, many years, and he DOESN’T copy people. I doubt that he even read your limerick, before writing his own. And you don’t own the sole right to use the word “boule.”
Moreover, since the word “tool” was required, the only non-required similarity is that you were both clever enough to use the word boule. Your limericks are actually very different.
The Mix Up
The books which are written by sages
Claim “Something went wrong through the ages.
“The guilty walk free,
Now how could that be?
While the innocent all live in cages?”
The gibbon (it’s true), mates for life.
Nice fam’lys, you’ll never see strife.
Yet all of them know,
That there’s one gibbon, “Schmo”
Who constantly cheats on his wife.
better
The gibbon, (it’s true) mates for life.
Wholesome fam’lys, you’ll never see strife.
But all of them know
‘Bout a gibbon named Schmo,
Who constantly cheats on his wife.
Hi Mad,
Sorry about that. I certainly did not mean to offend anyone, least of all, Tim. I even must concede that his “boule” limerick may just be better than mine, but I was amused that his “boule” followed so close upon mine.
Mea culpa. I’ll not do it again.
Rudy
**********
Thanks, Rudy! Of course I do take legitimate allegations of plagiarism seriously, and if any occurs, it should be reported to me via email. But I am pleased to say that in all my years running this Limerick-Off, not one such plagiarism incident has ever taken place.
A guest at my party, a fool,
Jumped into my unheated pool;
Although he’d been told
The water’s too cold.
The iciness shriveled his tool.
Said the ape to his keeper one night
“Hey girl you’re a beautiful sight”
And although quite surprised
When she saw his thing rise
She chose not to put up a fight.
Said the ape to his keeper one night
“I think this is love at first sight”
The girl backed away
shouting “No way José”
But One night she thought “I just might“
Billy and Nanny Tough It Out: A Marriage Gone Bad
Although the zoo culture forbids,
Divorce, they were still on the skids.
Through all kinds of weather,
The Goats stayed together,
But only because of the kids.
At the zoo, writing lim’ricks through lunch
‘Got this great idea (based on a hunch)
You’ll hear laughter for miles
They will die in the aisles
(sigh)
If only my last line had punch.
A Kind Of ? Improvement from May 2nd.
I write limericks ev-er-y day.
With words, I consistently play.
But I do use a tool.
To make them sound cool:
I hammer and hammer away.
I went to the zoo with my Mama.
I’m simple, so why all this drama?
Why’s that “g” in a gnu?
I haven’t a clue.
And what’s with those 2 L’s in llama?
“A Letter To Brother Johnny” (chapter 2 of above limerick)
Dear Johnny, we went to the zoo.
In a minute or two, we were through!
Cuz the spelling was dumb,
So we’re ready to come
Back home. Miss you so much, Love SSUE.
So two zoo antelopes did elope
Had to cope with a slope with some rope
Said HE ‘lope, “I’m no dope!
It’s as slippery as soap!”
She said, “IS there a ring…?!” He said, “Nope…”
(maybe a soap ring….?)
Mad: from today at 2:37 Could you please switch lines 3 and 4,
so instead of “Why’s that g in a gnu, I haven’t a clue.” Instead,
I would like it to read:
I haven’t a clue
Why that g’s in a gnu.
Thank You,
Lisi
As a kid, Howard (antelope) grew…
Whiz at calculus from age of two!
He told me, secretly…
“Photograph memory…”
And that’s just how I know Howie Gnu…
Circus seal, sealed his fate, ran away…
With the zoo seals he’s frolic and play
‘On the ball’, zoo-keep Nick
Said, “I’m onto your trick!
On your nose, the ball GAVE you away!”
Hi Lisi,
This might be of interest to you. According to Google.
“(The “G” in “GNU” is not silent.) ….. The ⟨kn⟩ and ⟨gn⟩ letter combinations usually indicate a Germanic origin of the word.”
Also “llama” is pronounced “yama” in Spanish and therefor spelled with two “L’s”
Rudy
We have so much poop in the zoo
That we use it for fuel (yes we do)
It’s collected en masse
Then converted to gas
And includes contributions from You!
Rudy: Before I wrote the limerick, I checked my “pronuciation ” guide and that’s what I went by. The words were pronounced exactly as I thought,
and I made sure I was correct.
That’s it ! Lisi
Said Donald to Stormy, “My tool
Is enough to make any girl drool.
They jump up and salute!”
But she said, “Though it’s cute,
I prefer larger ones, as a rule.”
“For digging up graves,” said the ghoul,
“This shovel is too minuscule.
For cadaver retrieval,
It’s truly medieval;
A backhoe is my kind of tool.”
“Carole Baskin? That woman’s psychotic,”
From prison declared Joe Exotic.
But who cares if it’s true
That she pilfered his zoo?
Because frankly, they’re both idiotic.
When young Gino would proffer his tool,
Which he used to make pretty girls drool,
Some would always chime in,
“It’s too thick!” “It’s too thin!”
So he stopped making pasta fazool.
Baby Rhino, since he was born he…
Thought of HER, if he might, forLORN be
Hannah Hippo next door
She, his GIRTH, did adore
Tickled pink, since he always was horn-y…
My menagerie, I must confess,
Though domestic has grown to excess:
Cats and rats and baboons,
Beagles, eagles, raccoons….
But no people. They make too much mess.
For my flirty young cousin it’s cool
To go skinny dip, ocean not pool;
He waves at the girls,
Then swims in wide swirls,
Fleeing jellyfish stinging his tool!
The little girl perched on a stool,
So prettily dressed in blue tulle,
And now how would she do?
Would they clap, would they boo?
She played and soon wowed the whole school!
The zookeeper had an old friend,
Who liked time in the cages to spend;
When the lions were famished
He should have been banished;
He came to an untimely end.
Hi Mad – last minute, I know! Would you please change Lines 4 and 5 of the limerick submitted at 2:08 today to:
Then swims in wide swirls,
Fleeing jellyfish stinging his tool!
Thanks muchly
*****
Done
Whenever you visit the zoo
Be sure to pronounce G in Gnu.
With Some words we say
You must Not pronounce K
A befitting example: “Who Knew?”
The Limerick-Off results and the new Limerick-Off will be posted tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon. Sorry for the delay!
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 469. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Track.