Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BARD, BARRED, DISBARRED, or BOMBARD at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: December 5, 2020)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BARD, BARRED, DISBARRED, or BOMBARD at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LITIGATION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LITIGATION-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 6, 2020 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 5, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my BARD, BARRED, DISBARRED, or BOMBARD-rhyme limerick:
Don’t make me eat chard that’s been charred.
Even non-charred, I find it quite hard
To eat and digest.
At my tastebuds’ behest,
Be on guard against chard. It’s been barred.
And here’s my LITIGATION-themed limerick:
The litigants reached an accord;
One that none of the parties adored.
“That’s as it should be,”
Said the judge. “I decree
This case closed. None too soon! I was bored.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chard Humor, Competition Limerick, Food Humor, Food Limerick, Law Humor, Law Limerick, Lawyer Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Litigation Humor, Litigation Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Vegetable Humor, Writing Prompts
A Twofer to start?
Yes, a lawyer’s career could be marred
By dyslexia, making life hard.
It might lead to a suit
Without wiggle room – moot?
You can’t say, “Mrs Brace, you’re disbrarred!”
I shall try and improve the second line but I think I’ll be hard pressed. (No pun etc etc.)
Donald called the security guard.
“My key’s stuck in the door from the yard!
Get it open!” he bitched.
“Sir, the locks have been switched;
Since you lost the election, you’re barred.”
Trump had lost, and being sore
He sent Rudy off to war,
“If only we sue,
Each state that’s blue,
We’ll reverse the electoral score.”
To acknowledge the problem is hard,
But the Justice Department’s been marred
By the current AG.
It’s quite easy to see
That the path to true justice is Barred.
Lots of great AG picks on Joe’s slates —
I’ll cite Garland, Jones, Patrick and Yates —
So the choice may be hard,
But that office dis-Barr’d
Is a glorious thing for the States.
(Double)
“That Bacon’s a fraud!” yelled the Bard.
His poxy pretence is ill-starred!
He claims that he wrote
All my plays, every quote –
So I’m suing the scurvy blow-hard!”
In a thousand porn movies I’ve starred,
The sort in which no holds are barred.
My mum said, “It’s sleazy –
Has it ever been easy?”
So I told her, “It’s always been hard.”
Said a soldier, “My love life is fraught.”
So a legal opinion he sought.
Said the lawyer, “Let’s see.
You had bromide in tea?
Well that won’t stand up in a court.”
At my watering hole, Le Canard,
I give legal advice — it’s not hard.
Then the pandemic war
Puts a lock on that door.
For the third time this year, I’m disbarred!
To speak like the eminent Bard,
The words we use now: disregard.
For the verbs, just add “eth”
As he did in “Macbeth”
It’s a cinch that methinks isn’t hard.
Man packed up, changed his habitation;
Skipped his rent, caused some litigation.
Rental firm was appalled.
Into court he was hauled,
And the charge: moving violation.
I studied the law and its mission.
And no one had any suspicion
That I did something cool:
I sued my own school.
And got back my total tuition.
“Seems our king played one round – under-parred!
But the Captain, stern-faced, marked his card.
He’d insisted, each green,
That he must ‘putt’ the queen,
And from that day to this, they’ve been barred.”
This lockdown’s increasingly hard;
Pleasant habits I’ve had to discard.
Around seven, I think
I’ll go out for a drink,
But I find the whole town’s been dis-barred.
“Friggin,” “Freakin” and “Fuggin” bombard
Folks with F-words not #@%! or starred.
Euphemisms much worse
Than the actual curse.
(Frick and Frack would be taking this hard).
“Sure, I’m suing them Michigan queers.
The obituaries prove all my fears.
Voter fraud ain’t a myth –
There’s a guy called ‘John Smith’
Voted Dem. He’s been dead eighty years!”
I’ve thought of a law that is wise.
It’s so smart, it should win a great prize.
It concerns Trump, (who’s crude)
And should clearly be sued,
For telling us absolute lies.
OR
I’ve thought of a law that is wise.
It’s so smart, it should win a great prize.
It concerns Trump, (who’s crude)
And should clearly be sued,
For “Bee Essing” with all of his lies.
This organ stop’s called the Bombarde.
You can hear it across the church yard.
No! Don’t stand so near
to the pipes, or your ear
could be irreversibly scarred!
“No more Shakespeare! I’m sick of the Bard!”
He screamed at his agent: “I’ve starred
as Puck, Angelo;
could I once play Godot?
Or somebody more avant-garde?”
(Double)
Donald’s planning some new litigation.
“I won! But I’m feelin’ frustration.
State by state is too hard;
Sleepy Joe must be barred,
So I’m suing the whole goddam nation!”
(… a couple from the boneyard)
Donald Trump has been sadly maligned;
To call him a clown is unkind.
It really won’t do,
And he’s tempted to sue;
As he puts it, “I have half a mind …”
I really don’t know what to do;
I dated a lawyer, who knew
How to trap me with come-ons;
I’ve just got a summons.
You guessed it – the lawyer’s called Sue.
Some oysters had caught us of guard
She cried “Please, give it me hard”
No repression or cares
We broke table and chairs
The waitress was screaming “You’re barred!”
Don’s fiascos of vote litigation
Are polluting the air of our nation.
His judiciary fouls
Smell as rank as loose bowels,
And we wish he would get constipation.
Judges comments about Rudi Giuliani’s arguments:
It seems your thinking is flawed,
As such it shall be ignored.
If you can’t get it right
You should study at night,
Such laxness is to be deplored.
From once being “America Great”
Trump’s now made it third rate.
It grates at the maw
As he’s abusing the Law
Like a Banana Republican State.
I’m schizoid and saw myself nude
And one of my selves is a prude.
Now here is the score,
She went to the law
Where I was charged with behaviour that’s lewd.
I am really so clever,
I use the law as a lever.
I set up the frame
So they’ll get the blame
And keep making money for ever.
In Utah each breastfeeding mum
From the law, will be on the run,
If it is discovered
Their breasts were uncovered
And the baby can see either one.
I’m lawyered up, raring to go,
Ready to strike the first blow.
But first I’ll get married,
Then I’ll get harried
That’s what I’ve been led to know.
We know much better than you,
So this is what we will do.
We’ll enact some new laws
That remove your just cause
And deny your ability to sue.
Although it has dominion,
The law is just an opinion.
All of that guff
Is just made up stuff
Used in controlling the minion.
It’s held in the highest regard
Celebrated by minstrel and bard
Her rivals, they quake
At my Lady’s milkshake
As it brings all the squires to the yard!
Olden days, you were feathered and tarred –
Do not try this at home! It’s quite hard
To wash off. Nowadays,
They have softened their ways
And the miscreant simply gets barred.
There once was an old middling bard
who had worked on a lawyer’s verse hard
until when he came on the
fact it was Giuliani
and said “Eureka! The last rhyme word’s ‘disbarred!”
Though his lingo is littered with lard,
And for Shakespeare I’ve little regard,
When I smell a fart now,
I say, “Wherefore art thou?”
To prove that I CAN quote The Bard.
Heavy Breathing: A Guide For Beginners …
Run a few flights of stairs. Blowing hard,
Call your number of choice – if not barred.
Steady rhythm – don’t cough!
If she don’t cut you off,
Add the number to contacts, five starred.
Sorry about this, but ‘hole’ is better.
“Seems our king played one round – under-parred!
But the Captain, stern-faced, marked his card.
He’d insisted, each green,
That he must ‘hole’ the queen,
And from that day to this, they’ve been barred.”
“Othello”
If you vanish right into thin air,
Your friends feel such pain and despair.
So why didn’t the Bard
Look real extra hard?
Did know about Desdi’s affair?
If learning ’bout Shakespeare’s too hard,
Throw away stuff you say, and discard.
Then make up expressions.
Create cool impressions.
And some gibberish, doth like the Bard.
better and makes more sense:
If learning’ ’bout Shakespeare’s too hard,
Get rid of your words and discard.
Then make great impressions.
Create new expressions.
And some gibberish doth like the Bard.
His legal team should be disbarred
For making transition so hard.
” More litigation!”
“No mediation!”
These crooks should be feathered and tarred.
Once you’ve caught your ambulance …
“Litigation? A means of redress
For the trauma you suffered, the stress.”
“But I didn’t.” “Poor chap!
Loss of memory – mayhap,
I can get you some extra! I’ll press.”
Oblique reference to Steve Bannon wanting to resurrect old style punishments…
“The quality of mercy”, quoth the bard
When Shylock, from causing death was barred.
Will Trump expect such respite
When finally ends his losing fight
Deposed, unfeathered and untarred?
“Ma! I killed me a bar in the yard!”
Cried brave Davy, unscarred, breathing hard.
“Bar the door, boy, and lock it,”
Said Ma to young Crockett,
“There be more bar out thar to be barred!”
My rhymes pack a punch, leave you scarred,
Explosive, with wordplay so hard.
They’ve an impact so vast –
Hell, I have such a blast!
That’s why my pen name’s the ‘Bomb Bard’.
Poor Donnie is taking it hard
So he’s hunting for votes to discard.
Sent his crooked A.G.
On a fraud faking spree.
Certifiably, Barr’ll be disbarred.
Saw my lawyer at Shyster Street Bar.
He said something very bizarre:
“Thanks for paying the fee,
It’s my turn for a plea,
It still didn’t pay for my car.”
OR
Saw my lawyer at Shyster Street Bar.
His request was a quite bit bizarre:
“Though you paid me the fee,
I need more, (please agree)
Just enough to pay off my new car.”
Watching TV is now very hard.
Cuz I simply cannot disregard
Interruptions ’bout drugs,
And those side-effect “bugs”
Known as “New Meds And Health Plans Bombard”
That pumpkin-faced bucket of lard
Has played out his very last card.
The voter fraud myth
Should be ending up with
His shirt-tucking lawyer disbarred.
The Guilty Verdict Is In But…..
The defendant would simply not budge.
He announced what he said was his grudge:
“This trial’s a disgrace,
And a prejudiced case,
Cuz the plaintiff plays golf with the judge”
Hi Mad – could you please change line 3 in my posting above to read:
The “voter fraud” myth
Thanks, Dave
**********
Done
If you file a frivolous case
Do you just seek to lose face?
Judge will disregard
And you’ll be disbarred
By seeking support of your base
Yes Rudy’s indeed a bombard
He fakes the injustice card
Now everyone saw
He can’t practice law
Someone please just call the guard
“Litigation? It’s when you get screwed
By some low-life whose vision is skewed.
Put a foot out of line,
You’ll get slapped with a fine,
Then you’re rushed into court to get sued.”
“To my girlfriend,” wrote ardent Bernard
(Who considered himself quite the bard),
“You’re a treasure, sweet Jo;
You make love like a pro.”
He got dumped. Writing poetry’s hard!
The windows were padlocked and barred.
The detectives were stumped; Scotland Yard
Called a private detective
Who’d prove more effective:
“Sherlock Holmes” was the name on his card.
Inspector Lestrade was quite shocked
By how quickly the case was unblocked.
Said Holmes, “Elementary!
The burglar gained entry
By opening this door – it’s not locked!”
Rudy cries “I’ll continue to sue
Every state that attempts to vote blue!
And as for my face,
It’s a total disgrace,
So I’m suing those dye-makers too.”
My love life has faced much defeat.
When I’m dumped, I feel so incomplete.
But that crazy old Bard,
Didn’t make that sound hard.
Cuz the truth is that sorrow ain’t sweet.
In order to make a decision,
The lawyer was faced with derision.
Cuz to be real exact,
He asked for this fact:
“How close were the cars at collision?”
Oh, a masochist’s life must be hard.
Should be plead to be feathered…or tarred?
Must he suffer a win
If he saves his own skin
When he begs to be tethered not barred?
“When cooking your turkey, first bard
It with bacon, or fine strips of lard,
Then stuff it …” What, THERE?
That’s disgusting! I swear,
Then I chuck the whole thing in the yard.
At noontime, the judges would play
Some ping-pong to lighten the day.
One blast – it went right
Through the door, out of sight;
“The ball’s in your court” he did say.
It behooves the American nation,
In this era of grave infestation,
To wash hands and wear masks,
Avoid crowds and shared flasks,
And refrain from inane litigation.
Two lawyers in carnal embrace
Take a recess, of sorts, to touch base.
She says, “Milk litigation,
Don’t rush to summation,
Before you have stated your case.”
A Short Ode (aren’t you glad) To A Maso-Limerichism
By one typo a lim’rick be marred,
And from Great Halls of Fame ever barred.
Naught to do but stay calm —
Your device is a bomb;
You’ve been hoisted by your own petard.
“You aspire to the life of the bard?
He – or she – must drink deep and play hard.
Inspiration: its ways
Are mysterious. Days,
Even weeks, can be lost. Be on guard!
This year, we’ve been frightened a lot.
Almost feels like a real evil plot.
And even the Bard,
Who’s taking it hard,
Wants to know, “Where the hell eth the shot?”
A variation on the bardic theme.
“So-o-o, you fancy yourself as a bard?
Are you willing to drink – long and hard?
Have you reckoned the cost?
Weeks and months can be lost.
It’s a steep price to pay, Beauregard.”
For a lawyer, dyslexia goes hard.
Case in point, “Mrs Brace, you’re disbrarred.”
The result is a suit
That the judge thinks is cute,
With a marked lack of jiggle. En Garde!
I’m a lawyer, who guys think is cute.
But in time they all give me the boot.
They need more than a pal
And not some well-trained gal,
Who’s been formally trained to dispute.
Mad: above limerick: for line 4, could you please change “And not some well-trained gal” to…. And not some real smart gal
Thank You, Lisi
Donald Trump to reporters when pressed,
On which job he most favored, confessed:
“Though it’s cool to bombard
Ev’ry fool in this yard,
I like pardoning turkeys the best.”
With falsehoods Trump does bombard
His Twitter account by the yard.
How can you trust such a guy
Texting lie after lie?
From a rerun he must be barred.
Never ever in the history of man
Has a leader been such as I am.
I know I would have starred
In lots of tales by The Bard
I’m a big Lost Labours Love Ado fan.
A man filing suit after suit
Found that none of them bore any fruit.
Plus, his client, a jerk,
May not pay for the work.
Rudy couldn’t have been less astute.
It’s proper to cry out, “Objection!”
But please let me make a correction:
Do not yell, “Bull Shit!”
It just doesn’t fit.
The Judge will still get the connection.
A liar whom Shakespeare once knew
Was The Donald who made him real blue.
And, so said the Bard,
“This jerk is some card,
I shall name him “The Shaming Of True”
better L5
A liar whom Shakespeare once knew
Was The Donald, who made him real blue.
And so said The Bard,
“This jerk is some card,
And sure is the shaming of true”
Trump thinks he’s waxing lyrical,
In truth he’s being inimical.
False tweets that are barred
He takes rejection so hard
Makes him both mad and hysterical.
Rudy Giuliani…
Calls to have him disbarred
Should really end in the exercise yard.
His most heinous crime
Is wasting courts time
For a twenty nine K daily reward.
A Balladeer wanted to sing
And make his guitar solos ring
At the door he was barred
By a lip synching guard
Who said “karaoke’s the thing”
“Did you kill that real pretty girl, Flo?
(Her cheeks were so pink, they would glow”).
“Well, I chopped off her head,
And left her for dead”
“Mr. Johnson, just say, “yes” or “no”.
This makes it clearer (L2)
“Did you kill that real pretty girl, Flo?
Whose cheeks were so pink they would glow?”
“Well, I chopped off her head,
And left her for dead.”
“Mr. Johnson, just say, “yes” or “no”.
Our nation is limping and scarred
From his criminal lack of regard.
With Trump on the way
Out the door, I do pray
His next house is walled-off and barred.
Inspired by Mad’s limerick “Don’t make me eat chard that’s been charred.”
What’s Black and Green and Eaten All Over? ~
They demand that burned chard must be banned:
“It’s the flavor that no one can stand!”
But that’s just a bombard
of an ancient canard
’cause it’s great when it spammed and it’s canned.
Mad: At 12:20, I wrote: “Did you kill that real pretty girl, Flo?
A grammatical no-no: a comma between girl and Flo seems to change the entire meaning of the question!
How about this?
“Did you kill a sweet girl folks called Flo?
Whose cheeks were so pink that they’d glow?”
“Well, I chopped off her head
And then left her for dead”
“Mr. Johnson, please say, “yes or “no”.
(That’s the best I can do. Sorry.)
“Presidential Reality” starred
Donald Trump as the (P)resident card.
Mike Pence starred as Puck
In “Admin Run Amok”
Until the shows airing was barred.
I’m with Ken; “More chard, please.”
Sage advice for a poor, starving bard,
Might go something like this: “Life is hard.
Survival gets tougher,
For Art you must suffer!
When the real food is gone, eat the chard.”
If it sits in your fridge, it’ll rot,
But smells worse if it’s boiled in a pot.
Sniffed out facts, now unbarred,
Speak raw truths about chard —
Not called Beta VULGARIS for naught.
“Would you care for a piece of my chard?”
(But by “piece” I was sure he meant “shard”).
“Not one fragment, one sliver,”
Said I with a shiver.
(From my table these days Sade is barred).
You can use it for salads or stock;
You can smoke it like pot (that’s no crock).
You can even bombard
Streets with petrified chard
To keep leaf blowers off of your block.
I submit that all mention of chard
Should, from now till we’re finished, be barred.
It’s ‘vulgaris’ by name –
Just the mention – for shame!
Should temptation suggest, disregard!
Thanksgiving at the Shakespeare’s
You’ll never hear Gobble Boy growl.
Or heaven forbid, hear him howl.
And thus, said the Bard,
“Let’s just eat the lard
Killing turkeys is murder most fowl.”
A hermaphrodite went to the fair
And encountered a problem while there.
Dual sex folks, it’s hard
To go pee, ’cause you’re barred
From the unisex bathrooms — beware!
The world’s biggest fraud ever, indeed.
So no, I’ll never ever concede.
My lawyers all argue so hard
But my fraud claims are barred
No matter how my lawyers do plead.
Don’t ever speak to me like that.
I’m President, you are a twat*.
I will call in the guard
Have you ousted and barred,
You’ll not work as a result of this spat.
* [Brit, vulgar] A man who is a stupid incompetent fool
At a press brief in the rose Garden
He gave himself a free pardon.
He was charged and then tried
And the pardon denied
As the courts tolerance did harden.
In Trump’s cell he’s taking it hard,
With no trips to the exercise yard.
He can’t see Fox News
Nor can twitter his views
As all his devices are barred.
Look at Trump with a new eye,
Read Scott Peck’s “People of the Lie”.
Like those characters starred
In tales by the Bard,
Malignant evil you cannot deny.
The New & Quick Litigation Protocol
Today I had so much success!
No more worries, or feelings of stress!
I just got in the line
Right under the sign:
For “Three Heinous Murders Or Less”
With lawyers I’m not having much luck
There’s Sidney Powell running amok,
Michael Cohen was disbarred,
Rudy Giuliani looked tarred,
And his arguments all came unstuck.
An acrostic look ahead…
By the time that these lawsuits are done,
It may be the year two-oh-two-one.
Doubtless Joe will plow through
Each attempt at a coup.
Next to come is the clean-up. What fun.
The windows at home are all barred
And my room looks out on the yard,
I’m doing twenty to life
As some trouble and strife
Caused my hitting my parents too hard.
Trump will be hoist by his own petard
And his reputation more scarred
If he doesn’t rein in
His monotonous din
Of the fake this, that and the other bombard.
The witness sat down and was showing
How the suspect was pure and a glowing
Example of candor,
But right on the stand’er
Adorable nose starting growing.
Under co-ordinated assault and siege
By none other than your true liege
Our election system withstands
All of my unruly bands
Attempts to prove my misalliege.*
* Erroneous statements.
Said a Judge, “This case rests on a tort;
Those tennis club shares that you bought
Are known as debentures –
They’re risky adventures –
In this Court, and on court, you’ve been caught.”
It seems there’s a rumour afloat
That makes Trump even more like a goat.
A move to pre-empt
Any legal attempt
By a blanket pardon on his side of the moat.
Two confectioners rushed into court,
Each demanding, “You must try my torte!”
“Let the jury decide,”
Said the judge. “I’ll preside.
We’re in session. Let counsel exhort!”
A young con man who knew no chagrin,
Told his dad, “I’m so practiced at spin,
I should go into Law.”
“That sounds good,” said his paw,
“I was hoping you’d turn yourself in.”
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
An attorney, a good-looking male,
Was preparing for court. To prevail,
He’d need help with the work.
So he took on a clerk.
She examined his briefs in detail.
Poetic Justice ~
A publisher hired by the Bard
said his writing was simply to hard.
So foul a miscreant
should certainly ben’t!
The Bard had him feathered and tarred.
A very nice lady in Datchet
was asked to find nice words to match it.
The words that she chose
were the nicest of prose,
such as “catch it”, and “batch it”, and “ratchet”.
You indulge in utter malarkey,
When challenged, get snotty and snarky,
Then a relentless bombard
Of untruths and lard
That impress not one in your party.
An old poet who hits the sauce hard
Recites epics of foods fried in lard.
They’re so long, dull, and cloying,
So extremely annoying,
That at all local pubs he’s the Barred.
I’d not promised a thing when she blew me,
So her lawyer’s curt letter sure threw me.
I don’t fathom what HE meant
By an “oral agreement”,
But I’ll lick her in court should she sue me.
Two confectioners rushed into court,
Each demanding, “You must try my torte!”
“Let the jury decide,”
Said the judge. “I’ll preside.
Court’s in session. Let counsel exhort!”
Said the judge, summing up, “I declare
A mistrial.” “Cried the plaintiffs, “Unfair!”
“Tell the jury, ‘Dismiss.’
I will arbitrate this,
And retry with your chocolate éclair.”
Litigation – A Saga …
Two confectioners rushed into court,
Each demanding, “You must try my torte!”
“Let the jury decide,”
Said the judge. “I’ll preside.
Court’s in session. Let counsel exhort!”
Said the judge, summing up, “I declare
A mistrial.” “Cried the plaintiffs, “Unfair!”
“Tell the jury, ‘Dismiss.’
I will arbitrate this,
And retry with your chocolate éclair.”
Said the judge, “In conclusion, I find
For this plaintiff. Since Justice is blind,
She can’t see that that chou
Is not worthy.” “Go screw!”
“That’s contempt! Case is closed. I’ve opined.”
The plaintiff was asked to provide
Some details the court could abide.
“Your Honor, there’s proof
Voter fraud’s through the roof;
‘Cuz hearsay is all on our side.”
The crooked lawyer was disbarred
When the case he worked on was charred
He blew the big case
When bribe money was taste
So, he pulled out his final trick card
Hi Mad – in my posting above, could you please change the word “way” to “all” in line 5.
Thanks, Dave
********
Done.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 458 . Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Mode.