Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT OR CONCEIT at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Sept. 26, 2020)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT or CONCEIT at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ADVICE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best ADVICE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on Sept. 27, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, Sept. 26, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SEAT/DECEIT/RECEIPT/CONCEIT-rhyme limerick:
“My husband in court must be beat.
Cuz I’m sickened by all his deceit.
He lies just for sport
And in bed he falls short…
So he needs to go down in defeat.”
And here’s my ADVICE-themed limerick:
“Loosen up. Time to let down your hair.”
“Take a risk, but don’t act on a dare.”
“Grow a pair. Roll the dice.”
Uninvited advice
Makes me wig out and bristle. Beware!
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Advice, Competition Limerick, Court Humor, Deceit, Divorce Limerick, Law Humor, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Lying, Marriage Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
Some people with fancy degrees
Profess that they’re so expertise
In giving advice
(Which may even entice)
So listen, then do as you please.
It’s always a little bit chancy
When choosing gifts for my Nancy
This time as a treat
A fur bicycle seat
Now, didn’t that just tickle her fancy
When a problem you were enduring
Required a little reassuring
Twin sisters you’d consult
Who’d publish the result
Ann Landers and Abby Van Buren
I’d be swamped with advice, at a cost.
They’d coerce me, and worse, I’d get bossed
Pulled in different directions
And ripped into sections.
My verbal objections? “Get lost!”
They both wanted Hillary beat
And Trump thought it all pretty neat
But when you deal with Putin
It’s not convolutin’
To assume that he kept the receipt
(true story)
Both my exes – Deceit and Conceit
Were just narcissists made up of meat.
They should both be in jail
Without bail, without tail
That would hail, without fail, as a treat!
I’ve a third ex who’s dead; ain’t it sweet!
Bought some wine (I still have the receipt)
Used no gun, used no knife
Now I’m nobody’s wife.
No more jerks! Now my life is complete!
Before YOU get a partner from hell,
Watch for RED flags and study them well.
Here’s advice – ditch the glory
So you won’t be sorry
Nor have a sad story to tell.
Since your credit card now has a chip
You can still pay your bill–and a tip
But you get no receipt
So enjoy what you eat
‘Cause it’s possible your tab’s a pip!
*********
If you’re taking advice, make sure you
Check it out to make sure that it’s true
Tho he may appear grumpy
Go with Fauci, not Trump–he
Just clearly does not have a clue!
My limerick:
I’m in fact, really tired of all his blatant deceit and lies,
What’s worse he tries to hide them from us with whys,
When confronted with the truth, he cries,
Of course, I do with him sincerely sympathize,
But I ask : “Why did he pull the wool over my eyes?”
An insect repellent with DEET
Keeps pests away with deceit
Scientists will tell you
Bugs can no longer smell you
But don’t get it on things that you eat.
ack..amended… without “can”
An insect repellent with DEET
Keeps pests away with deceit
Scientists will tell you
Bugs no longer smell you
But don’t get it on things that you eat.
When Obama and Trump first did meet
Equally tall, one of them turned to deceit
Since Obama’s Six foot One
Trump to not be outdone
Makes Six Three the height of conceit
amended for tense…
When Obama and Trump first did meet
Equally tall, one of them turned to deceit
Since Obama’s Six foot One
Trump to not be outdone
Made Six Three the height of conceit
My blind date at the theatre was so neat
We had agreed on just where we would meet
But I started scratching my ass
Having not seen the lass
Who said “I see that you’ve now picked your seat”
I feel that my day’s not complete
Till I’ve read the last Donald Trump tweet
Either insult or a lie
Is all he will try
He’s Don Rickles if you add in deceit.
The Thought That Counts
“Oh – it’s lovely. How thoughtful – so sweet.
It’s so stylish – so compact – so neat.
How I’ve managed this long …
What d’you call it? A thong?
Did you happen to keep the receipt?”
When married, you never should cheat.
If you do, it is downright deceit.
But if you desire
That sexual fire,
Remember you must change the sheet.
The lookalike actor was hired
To be ridiculed. Here’s what transpired:
Donald smirked. “Take a seat …”
Then he waited a beat
Before screaming “Obama, you’re fired!”
In order to soothe your sore feet,
You must give yourself a nice treat.
So move over the dog;
(Who is such a darn hog.)
Then you’ll have a real warm cozy seat.
(Names omitted to protect the guilty…)
“You will think it is author’s conceit”,
He informed me, “but when I compete,
I’m pissed off when the winners
Are dreary old dinners
That someone has failed to reheat.”
“Turn left – I have now told you twice!”
But he simply ignored her advice.
Moses knew he was right,
Led them on day and night …
Forty years in the desert, the price.
They’re supposed to ‘advise and consent’,
But the Senate’s so crooked and bent
That they simply agree
Every Trump nominee
From the swamp – that’s what ‘draining it’ meant!
I’d like to play cards in the city,
But the ATM thinks that it’s witty.
When I get my receipt,
It’s the same old repeat:
“You ain’t got no cash for the kitty”.
to make more sense (L2)
I’d like to play cards in the city,
But the ATM isn’t so witty.
When I get my receipt,
It’s the same old repeat:
“You ain’t got no cash for the kitty”.
If you’re smart, then you’ll take my advice:
to never do anything twice.
Try it once, it’s a fluke;
second time: you’re a kook;
by the third time you have a new vice!
My precocious young male beagle
Once tried to hump a dead eagle
“That species is in danger”
said the National Park Ranger
Need advice in case this was illegal
Not long after he’d taken his seat
His digestion began to repeat.
By the light of the moon
He continued in tune
Till the bullfrogs conceded defeat.
“Yes, of course, do come in – it’s not locked.
Sit you down. You want what? Well, I’m shocked –
And alarmed. Must be bad
If you’re asking your dad.
Does your mother know?” “Dad! I’m defrocked.”
“How the mighty have fallen. How sweet
That I lived to behold your defeat.
‘Try this, son,’ but oh, no.
What on earth would I know?”
“Are you crazy – he’s six! Now let’s eat.”
Notwithstanding my previous deceit,
I’ve changed, and now I entreat
All you Nevada Hispanics
Undertake the mechanics
Of ensuring Biden’s defeat.
Old stadiums had obstructed view seats
Where you’d pay less to watch the athletes.
Move your head around the beam
so you can follow your team,
Still better than out on the streets
Old stadiums had obstructed view seats
Where you’d pay less to watch the athletes.
Move your head around the beam
so you can follow your team,
Much better than out on the streets
On the internet, my lover I’d meet
She said she was lonely and sweet
We went through with the thing
And we had our brief fling
Till my wife found the motel receipt.
In my dream, Trump and Mueller do meet
Upon swearing in, Don takes his seat
With the first question, he cowers
Claiming executive powers
Then stands up but he’s still in deceit.
In my dream, Trump and Mueller do meet
Upon swearing in, Don takes his seat
With the first question, he cowers
Claiming some magical powers
And then stands up while still in deceit.
NBC was entirely indiscreet
When they provided Trump a “Boardroom” seat
They took the boss that Scrooge lent us
And then called it “The Apprentice”
Ande let him woo folks before he could Tweet.
You say you want advice? OK, I’ve got some
Mixing religion and sex sure is dumb.
I knew this crazy hippy nudist
Who said when she went Buddhist
“When the student is ready the teacher will come”
My precocious young male beagle
Once tried to hump a dead eagle
“That species is in danger”
said the National Park Ranger
Need advice if this was illegal
Trump claimed a public murder he’d beat
Even if on a Manhattan street
His argument’s main flaw
That he’s above the law
Punks justice for the sake of conceit.
“Tricky moment – could come back and bite.
Try a word from the classics. Recite
Epictetus for choice,
In avuncular voice,
Non-specific; you’ll sound erudite.”
For his base, Trump performed a feat
outdoing his usual deceit.
After thousands have died,
he said, “Oh, yeah, I lied.”
And the base said, “Oh, King, take your seat!”
My friend is so full of conceit,
That I never shall ask her to meet
Me exactly at one
That’s the time she’s not done
Caressing and kissing her feet.
a minor change (L4)
My friend is so full of conceit,
That I never shall ask her to meet
Me exactly at one
Cuz she still won’t be done
Caressing and kissing her feet.
Dear Americans, here’s good advice:
There’s a man who you thought was real nice.
You went out on a limb;
And then voted for him.
You know better now; don’t do it twice.
There is nothing that’s worse than deceit.
Even when it comes down to your feet.
If you don’t wash one toe,
Your cute tootsies will know
That your shower was just not complete.
She slips then misses her seat
As the chair crushes her feet
She lets out a cry
That made it to the sky
That drops her a beautiful loveseat
The advice she gave me was bad
Gave me more trouble than I had
She came back to my door
Though I wanted to hear more
So, I gave her a kick in the crad
Completely ignoring what he was told
And disparaging most of his fold,
Having no circumspection
Save his own re-election…
“You know, the folks, they’re easily sold.”
All those folk are just liars
Citing Climate as cause for the fires.
Climate Science is fake,
No, you just use a rake
To prevent having all of the pyres.
He sits on the nation’s top seat
And is often accused of deceipt
When ordered to jump
He lands with a thump
That’s how he conceals his conceit!
So the world wants to be real nice
We react to his games in a trice
By using a pump
Which is hit with a thump
To douse him with real good advice.
I’m so happy we’re going to Crete.
“Chintzy Airlines” just cannot be beat.
The fare’s very low
Cuz the plane goes real slow,
And all passengers share the same seat.
Your advice surely hits the right key.
(Always knew you’re as smart as can be)
With a mind that’s so great;
Your opinion holds weight
For ev’ry one else except me.
Mad: above limerick: L5
Could you please change “To ev,ry one else except me”
to For ev’ry one else except me.
Thank you, Lisi
*****
Done.
I’ll dispense free advice to relieve
any grumbler with gripes to aggrieve.
I’m quite generous that way;
there’s no need to repay.
I say better to give than receive.
GREAT SEX – constipation can spoil it,
So I’ve found a neat way to foil it.
Iron filings I eat,
Then I sit on the seat
And switch on the magnetic toilet.
I once gave advice down in Nottingham,
On plants and the techniques of potting ’em.
When they’ve flowered, it’s sad,
But there’s fun to be had,
In uprooting, composting and rotting ’em.
ADVICE – to Placido D’Souza –
“STUDY THE LIMERICK – Please, do sir!
Your lines are too long,
Your rhythm is wrong;
Your text to Miss Kane won’t amuse her.”
I felt her upstairs; she rebuffed it.
I tugged on her skirt and she sloughed it.
When I took friend’s advice,
The result was quite nice.
And lickety-split, I had muffed it.
A gal thought her life incomplete
‘Cause her butt wasn’t pert or petite.
When her doc showed her pics
Of a possible fix,
She said, “Nice! Please reserve me this seat!”
Career Prospects?
“And who’s next? Young Impaler? Sit down, lad.
Any thoughts what your future might hold, Vlad?”
Vell, sir, thinking it through,
Just between me and you,
I vos hoping to vork vith my dad.”
“I believe my directions were clear.
I suggested you started from here.
How you ended up there
I can’t think …” “To be fair,
I did tell you I’m no pioneer.”
“And who’s next? Young Impaler? Sit down, lad.
Any thoughts what your future might hold, Vlad?”
Vell, sir, thinking it through,
Just between me and you,
I vould like to be vorking vith my dad.”
The president facing defeat
Decided to turn to deceit,
He tweeted out lies
And sent out some guys,
To beat people up on the street.
Damn Don Drumpf — his conceits only widen.
His receipt for a vote — always lied in.
Every statement? Deceit.
Then he’ll rinse and repeat.
My advice? Leave your seat! Vote for Biden!
“La Shoddy Decor” is so neat.
The merchandise just can’t be beat.
I bought a great chair
When I stumbled on there
With a real stunning hole for a seat.
Or, it could be put this way:
“La Shoddy Decor” is so neat.
The merchandise just can’t be beat.
When I stumbled on there
I bought a nice chair
With a real stunning hole in the seat.
“What Was It We Were Arguing About?”
My marriage advice is so shrewd.
Do not think I’m being real crude.
When you fight with your spouse,
Close the shades in your house,
And then duke it out in the nude.
“Women threw themselves down at his feet!”
“I recall, yes – all pride and conceit:
But between me and thee,
He secretes D.D.T.
So, his love-life remains incomplete.”
A man always known for deceit
Told his wife in a voice real sweet
“Well my hooker was late
Came at quarter past eight
Time and date printed on the receipt”
Advice to Bob and Placido.
Constipation and compost – a theme?
Your thoughts follow one track, it would seem.
I would guess, Mad won’t mind;
MS NOT MISS, she’ll be kind.
Placido, you might follow this scheme.
Now, the limerick follows these rules –
Guides to wise men, protection for fools.
Anapaests: two unstressed
Syllables, then one stressed;
These ALONE are the limerist’s tools.
Anapaestic, with two lines of three,
And a matching end-rhyme there must be.
Next, two lines follow those,
Diff’rent end-rhyme: to close,
Match the last with the first by decree.
A young woman known for conceit
Sat up straight on the limousine seat;
The chauffeur asked why
She was acting so shy
She replied “It’s your damn stinkin’ feet”
A gentleman lover of art
At a gallery and dressed very smart
Was advised at the door
“Sir you’re welcome no more,
The ambience is spoiled when you fart”
Internet Health Line
Please go to a doctor instead
Of getting advice from “DotMed”.
Cuz whatever your pain,
They will always explain
That in 3 little clicks you’ll be dead.
A Little Different
When married, you must never cheat.
It’s wrong, and disgraceful deceit.
Yet if you desire
That sexual fire,
‘Fore “hubby” comes home, change the sheet.
They parade on that usual street
Those call girls give such a hot treat.
For that real sexy rub,
She gave me this stub:
“Embarrassment Not On Receipt”
I have warts; I have hair on my feet;
yellow teeth, and a laugh like a bleat.
I have gaping gaposis
and niggling neurosis….
Anything I DON’T have? Yeah, conceit.
I’m glad that I kept the receipt.
That butcher’s a terrible cheat!
The label said “Beef”
but I just found a leaf.
This meat was peeled off of the street!
Herd on the grapevine
Hey Don, here’s a word to the wise
It’s you decides which of us dies
We heard your mentality
Will lead to mortality
So what! Four more years is the prize
If you are determined to cheat,
On your spouse, for god’s sake, be discreet
When your conduct’s impure,
Make sure you secure
Your cell phone to shield your deceit
Please stop telling me what I should eat–
As if being a Size 4 Petite
Is a goal I should try
To aspire to. I
Can’t stand kale – Gimme donuts and pie!
Trump: The All Knowing
“I always know best”, is conceit…
But will that cause his election defeat?
Or will he be in receipt
Of being thrown out of his seat
Not for confidence but for his deceit?
A Twofer?
“So, your wife is a cop and you cheats?
Best make sure there’s no proof – like receipts.
You’re a fool, she will check;
What the hell – it’s your neck –
Just remember to launder the sheets!”
“Oim comparin’ these buns with ‘er seat.
Note! ‘Er buns ain’t fresh-baked, but they’m sweet!
Sadly, these buns, I fear,
Can’t compete with ‘er rear,
But they’ll do me for lunchtime a treat.”
A woman known for her conceit
Thought her boss was admiring her feet.
She smiled. She was vain!
He spoke with disdain,
“You’ve tracked in some poop off the street!”
A word to the wise may be nice.
But the truth, (to be very precise)
Is they don’t need your views,
Cause to them it’s not news.
It’s the dumb ones who need your advice.
This “e” before “i” like Deceit
Is English’s worst conceit
If I simply can’t spell it
I just ” what-the-hell” it
Now I’ll shut up and just take a seat.
Always Take The Doctor’s Advice!!
With my doctor, I’m just so impressed.
In my heart, I sure know he’s the best.
When the staff calls in sick,
His voice mail will “click”
And state, “Take some pills and then rest”.
“So, you managed it, then? Quite a feat!
I confess I had thought it conceit.
It’s a shame that the cost
Makes it look like you lost,
But we’ll soon have you back on your feet.”
“I did warn you – but, nooo! You knew best.
Take it slowly, no tongue – and No Breast!
Show respect, win her heart;
Making love is an art;
Now she’ll want to get married – and dressed.”
“She accused me of lies and deceit.
She had proof! I was facing defeat.
So, I flashed my I.D.
She said, ‘Ooh! Now I see.’
And from that day to this, life’s been sweet.”
Yes, Coach!
“You must win at all costs – spurn defeat!
Show no mercy; make vict’ry complete!
Life is harsh. Stand the test,
And confound all the rest!
When the music stops, grab that last seat!”
Hi Mad! Would you change the last line in the limerick above to, “When the music stops, grab that last seat.” (‘the’ to ‘that’) Thank you.
*****
Done.
Advice To A Young Bride.
“He’ll get fresh – they all do. Make a din.
It’s a contest of wills – don’t give in!
He will claim it’s his right,
That you must – every night;
But hold out till he begs, and you win!”
Seems my father is full of deceit.
He says, “Not a soul should eat meat”.
“Farmer Dad’s” not so candid
I caught him red-handed
Planting bacon seeds next to the wheat.
I know it’s a form of deceit.
But I sneak my Viagra in heat.
Those pills are so grand.
Heat makes things expand.
And I give Sue a long-lasting treat.
To the open-air church on my street,
cautious cats come to prey and to eat.
From clean tables they’ll scrounge,
but on chairs they won’t lounge —
not until they have sprayed every seat.
Do not walk ’round Tucson in heat.
If you sit, you will burn your cute seat.
The weather’s so hot,
You can’t walk; you must trot.
And the concrete melts over your feet.
Said a man to his eldest son, Steve:
“She insists on a condom? Just leave.
Birth control’s up to her.
It’s her problem, for sure.”
Worse advice would be hard to conceive.
Advice To Young Bride: Addendum
“He’ll get fresh – they all do. Make a din.
It’s a contest of wills – don’t give in!
He will claim it’s his right,
That you must – every night;
But hold out till he begs, and you win!”
“If you like it, don’t ever let on.
If you do, your advantage is gone.
Let him think it’s a chore:
NEVER ask him for more –
Better still, lock your door, sit upon.”
“No. the trick is to borrow, my friend,
But then never, NO NEVER, to lend.
Sleepless nights aren’t for you;
Leave the lender to stew,
And when payment falls due, just extend.”
The Latest Beauty Secret For Seniors
Okay, this is downright deceit.
Tell all of the the men that you meet,
“I’m so gorgeous and fine
That you must wait in line”
(Wear that mask from your head to your feet).
Yes, coach!
“You must win at all costs – scorn defeat!
Show no mercy; make vict’ry complete!
Life is harsh. Stand the test,
And confound all the rest!
When the music stops, grab that last seat!”
The Republican drank some wine
At the party, was feeling fine.
He got up from his seat,
Danced the conga, ’twas neat.
He just followed the party line.
“All those years – all those lies – the deceit!
I’m a cliché.” “But still on your feet!”
“I want vengeance!” “Good start.”
“Something painful ….” “Be smart;
Don’t let on that you know till he’s beat.”
advice and conceit
Don’t advise people full of conceit.
Your well-meaning goal you won’t meet.
It’s like wigg’ling your ears,
Or having no fears,
Or stilettos that don’t hurt your feet.
“Nooo, I wouldn’t ask me for advice.
I’m too easily tempted to vice.
I were your age – a boy –
An’ discovered the joy
An’ since then I don’t never think twice.”
senior issues……this really happened to me
I’ve a seat on my “seat” for my “seat”.
We seniors just need to stay neat.
Hit my head on the door;
Then I fell to the floor.
I didn’t look very elite.
same story; more details
I’ve a seat on my “seat” for my “seat”
We seniors just need to be neat.
The second seat slipped;
And wow! I sure dripped.
I didn’t look very elite.
Mitch McConnell – Double Standard
I said to Obama, “No go!
The election’s too close don’t you know”.
Though we’ll pay too big a price
Following my own advice,
So my answer to Donald is Yo!
It is really the height of conceit
To think I’d climb in your back seat
Your comments suggest
It’s the size of my chest
That makes you imagine this feat
You’re well over forty my dear
Too late to explore that frontier
And while you are plucky
To think you’re that lucky
You should likely quit drinking cheap beer.
“Hey, B. A.! Nice to see you! Oh, dear!
We’ve returned to the bust theme – don’t jeer!
Forty’s nothing, these days –
Besides, wisdom finds ways;
And it’s never too late, so I hear.”
“What was that? You weren’t talking to me.
I assumed … but you weren’t … no, I see.
I must own my conceit
And be humble – it’s meet;
I’m a B. A.’s frontier detainee.”
“My advice? Take the money and run.
Find some sunshine, relax and have fun.
Life is short, make it sweet;
Snatch a win from defeat,
And from now on make you number one!”
“You would have me believe that conceit
Is the cause of this crushing defeat.
If you’re right – which you’re not –
I deserve what I got,
But no matter the cost, I won’t cheat.”
Dear Tony it’s not about you
I’ve been absent from lim’riks it’s true
But it’s not a conceit
To work to defeat
Donald Trump – Turn America Blue!
“No, of course. I am no one at all –
Though I do what I can to stand tall.
And I’m hoping, with you,
That your wish will come true;
That it shouldn’t – ‘It must!’ – would appal.”
Check your voter registration – USA Be sure!
Tony surely you’re someone of note
I’m enjoying the poems you wrote
There’s no time left somehow
Checking registries now
To be sure all can get out and vote
Do not fret for a moment, B. A.
Forge ahead! I won’t get in the way.
Get him out of that seat!
Guarantee his defeat,
And once that’s done, perhaps we can play?
Country landowner, Everard Elf,
Took to thinkin’ ‘e’d reached the top shelf.
But his wife, more discreet,
Said, “You’m full o’ conceit!”
Now he’s more like his old farmer self.
On a coach trip, I met Marguerite.
It was I who got swept off my feet.
I am sixty; old fool;
She was twenty; I drool;
Was it worth it? I’ve rebooked my seat!
Sound Advice?
“What’s your energy source? You gone dual?
Should try coal! No, it isn’t renewal.
Go for three hundred mill’;
3.5? Better still!
Ain’t no fuel, so they say, like an old fuel.”
Who’s the President’s fav’rite advisor?
His caddy — there’s nobody wiser;
for he knows well enough
when the going gets rough
to say, “Wow! That’s a beautiful lie, sir.”
Here’s a book called “Advice”; don’t refuse it.
Inside, there is wisdom; don’t lose it
It’s simply astounding;
Your heart will be pounding.
(Cuz frankly, I just never use it.)
OR
Your gift is “Advice” ; don’t refuse it.
The story is “Wisdom”; don’t lose it.
It’s simply astounding.
Your heart will be pounding.
So take it, cuz I never use it.
Mad: limerick at 12:02 today which says Here’s a box of advice; don’t refuse it. Could you change that to Here’s a book called “Advice”; don’t refuse it.
(I typed box, but I meant book)
Thank you, Lisi
**********
Done.
I’m Canadian; sent a Trump a treat
Bought some ricin; still have the receipt.
I had such a good plot
To remove White House rot
But I sadly got caught; now I’m beat.
Here I’m stuck in some USA jail
And they won’t even let me post bail!
But they did let me tweet
And post lim’ricks (how sweet!)
As I groan in defeat from my fail.
Well, Suzanne, I can’t say I’m surprised.
Of your plan, I would say, ‘ill advised?’.
We will miss you, it’s true;
Always thinking of you;
Re your progress, please keep us apprised.
There is so much to do while in jail.
There’ll be workshops – sew bags for the mail.
Make the most of your crime,
They’ll parole you, in time;
When they do, you can tell us your tale.
Well, Suzanne, I can’t say I’m surprised.
Of your plan, I would say, ‘ill advised?’.
You’ll be missed – no, it’s true;
We’ll be thinking of you;
Re your progress, do keep us apprised.
There’s so much you can do while in jail.
There’ll be workshops – sew bags for the mail.
Make the most of your crime,
They’ll parole you, in time;
And while wating, don’t dwell on your fail.
‘Course, your biggest mistake – the receipt.
Why on earth did you keep it? Conceit?
Did you think, ‘If this fails,
I’ll return it.’? Such sales
Are best filed in the trash. It’s discreet.
I’m not helping. I know. Sorry Suze.
It’s the shock. Either that, or the booze.
I had hopes … well, you know.
Now they’re dashed, it’s a blow.
Guess it just goes to show, some you lose.
“You’ll look great when you lose a bit.” — Please!
The white jeans that were too tight a squeeze
(30 pounds more petite)
Now just bag in the seat
And have wrinkles right down to my knees.
Here’s a great way to handle deceit
And give yourself quite a nice treat:
Deceive the deceiver;
Become the achiever.
The results are rewarding and sweet.
another way of putting it:
Here’s a great way to handle deceit.
It’s a plan that just cannot be beat:
Deceive the deceiver;
Become the achiever.
The outcome’s rewarding and sweet.
I’ve resorted to lies and deceit
So my girlfriend won’t think I’m “elite.”
With a mouthful of chaw
I’ve been watching Hee Haw.
I’ve a car up on blocks on the street.
A husband admitted defeat:
“I admit it,” said he, “I’ve been beat —
My wife’s many affairs
are like musical chairs
with some other man taking my seat.”
With its lost principles obsolete,
this new GOP deserves utter defeat.
We’re much better than this —
at our best we won’t miss
each incumbent of theirs we unseat.
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Good advice is no riddle nor puzzle
nor meant for muss, fuss or kerfuffle.
When the CDC asks
that we all wear our masks,
politicians should read that as “muzzle.”
“Sorry, Judge, that’s not right. The affair,
Though it hurt, didn’t figure, I swear.
I forgave the deceit.
I declared, “A clean sheet!”
Then discovered she’d nicked my eclair.”
“There are some things a husband can bear,
Like, for instance, a wife’s love affair.
He won’t kill for deceit.
Nooo … betrayal’s complete
When her lover consumes his éclair.”
Lovers of fine patisserie will undersatnd and acquit.
To some women, their men are effete,
Serve no purpose, can’t make them complete.
But these days, if they spurn,
They’re allowed to return –
Just so long as they’ve kept the receipt.
When you know – is it really conceit? –
As a lover you cannot be beat.
Fella feedback: “Five stars!”
“Should be bottled in jars!”
I just wish I could give me the treat’.
Said the sales clerk, “You have no receipt?
Then a pile of shit you can eat.
For they tell me my job
Is to beat back the mob,
And all efforts at refunds defeat.”
Said Donald, “I want no advice;
I’ll put all of your balls in a vice.
Kellyanne, you’re exempt,
For you’ve shown your contempt
For the facts, and your boobs are quite nice.”
As a lover I cannot be beat!
When you know, is it really conceit?
Fella feedback: “Five Stars!
Should be bottled in jars!”
I just wish I could give me the treat’.
Would you start each new day with a smile?
In a way that will brook no denial?
Set alarm cock, small feat –
May involve some deceit –
But once roused he will hardly resile.
Would you start each new day with a smile?
In a way that will brook no denial?
Set alarm cock, small feat –
May involve some deceit –
But once roused he can hardly resile.
Sorry, but I think ‘can’ is better.
Said Yoda to Luke, “There’s no try;
Only do or not do, young Jedi.
And regarding the Princess,
Your dreams are of inces’;
With her, you must zip up your fly.”
I’ve been married three times – all to men
And I don’t want to do that again.
They are full of conceit
And abound in deceit
For a woman I might have a yen.
If things here don’t go as we planned
And Trump is the “law of the land”
When he re-takes the seat
If I ask really sweet
Y’all think I could marry Suzanne?
(Y’all is a one syllable word in my area of the Southern USA. Pronounced yawl.)
You don’t HAVE to ask folks their advice
I had THREE exes too, cold as ice!
I could maybe set forth
Plans to bring you up north
If election time doesn’t end nice!
Poor Tony – he’ll probably scold.
His hope to keep flirting will fold
He’ll think WE’RE each a cheat
That we’re full of deceit
And you know that his feet will get cold.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 453. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Band.