Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: MALL or MAUL at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Aug. 1, 2020)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using MALL or MAUL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to NAGS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best NAGS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on August 2, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 1, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my MALL/MAUL-rhyme limerick:
When my girlfriend comes home from the mall,
And isn’t too pleased with her haul,
She’ll bawl and complain,
Which drives me insane,
So when diamonds are mentioned, I stall.
And here’s my NAGS-themed limerick:
A scold took a very tough stance
On the evils of drinking and dance.
And he’d castigate folks
Who would bet or tell jokes.
Did he heed his own rules? Not a chance!
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Malls, Nags, Poetry & Prompts, Scolds, Shopping Humor, Writing Prompts
Please delete the one above–Sent the wrong one! (Sorry!)
While a shopping trip now could be a ball
I never liked going to the mall
And since Covid-19
Made me Couch Potato Queen
I rule: Netflix, no bra and alcohol
In order to be acquiescent
I must take an antidepressant
Cuz I call my wife, “pest”
Yet she firmly expressed:
” You’re wrong! I’m just “warmly incessant”
Advice
There is something you never should dread
(And remember to not be misled)
If a bear starts to maul
First get down and crawl
Then quickly lie down and “play dead”
I don’t want to talk trash and lambaste
You for discarding things in poor taste.
I am certain that you
Know the right thing to do.
Not recycling is just a big waste.
minor change (fixing previous wrong past and present tenses)
In order to be acquiescent
I must take an antidepressant
Cuz when I call my wife “pest”
She will always attest
“You’re wrong! I’m just “warmly incessant”
A Random Kentuckian, one fall
Received, from his neighbor, a maul.
He said to his Dad,
Help me! I’m your lad!
But he ran did Dad “oo Ron!” Ron Paul.
Said the globetrotter, “I’ve seen it all —
Machu Picchu! The grand Taj Mahal!
But the best sight I’ve seen?
Back in two aught nineteen:
an old ghost town some folks called ‘The Mall.'”
We went shopping and just had a ball
That environment sure does enthrall
When we left, ’twas bizarre
Couldn’t find our damn car
Now we’re living in Happy Time Mall
I wished that I lived in a mall.
This summer’s been making me crawl.
Outside with the dregs,
has melted my legs,
and now I can’t stand up at all!
The Wedding
“You two are now wed, and so hence
The love shall be very intense
You may now kiss the bride
(Your authorized guide)
Gear up! Let the nagging commence”
At Home Depot I purchased a maul
Since I’ll need to split wood in the fall.
It’s a sharp, nasty tool.
There’s no risk, though; it’s cool.
It turns out I can’t lift it at all.
Caesar’s legions endured a long haul,
‘Til the old Gallic realm was in thrall;
They just didn’t quit,
And you must admit–
That campaign took a whole lot of Gaul.
Their life in the bed never drags–
Her passion for sex never flags;
Except for a blow,
Which just doesn’t go-
Whenever they try it, she gags.
“When they call me here, people say ‘Maul;’
If I’m sweet, then they say I’m a ‘daul!’
It’s awful!” nagged Molly;
“To move here was folly!
I wish I were back in St. Paul.”
I met a nice man at the mall
Who was very outstandingly tall
He wore masks on his knees
So if someone should sneeze
He would not catch “The Covid” at all
I got me some ear plugs today
The store wasn’t real far away
See, my wife is a pest
And I sure need a rest
Now I won’t hear a damn thing she’ll say
“Importuning!” “Say what?” “I don’t nag!”
“What’s the diff’rence? You still need a gag.”
“To a birdbrain like you,
Who can’t see beyond shrew—”
“At which point I inserted the rag.”
In my ears, twas an unending sound
That seemed to go round and around:
“I’ve planted the seeds
Now get rid of the weeds”
(Fine’ly put that damn hoe in the ground)
Its stores were all closed in the fall.
Outside, not one occupied stall.
They’ll auction away
The whole complex today;
Which proves that you can win a mall.
Born a thoroughbred mare,
Used to grooming and care,
Now a work horse
Far from the race course…
Life just isn’t fair.
My life, it is falling apart,
And I’ve failed at “Marriage: The Art”.
My life is a mess
‘Cause I can’t second guess
Her demands before she starts in to snark.
On the outside of Oakland Mall
The public and state troopers maul.
Trump sees it as good…
Let it be understood
It’s part of America’s fall.
If I prod you to zig when you zag,
or try spurring you on when you lag,
you just snort like a horse.
So I’m puzzled, of course,
as to which one of us is the nag.
“From a lifetime of losing on nags, (Run Down Horses)
Chasing women, and too many fags, (UK = Cigarettes)
I can say for a cert’
That, though losing my shirt,
When you give them up – Wow! – how time drags.”
I’m sure to stay busy through fall
since I’m summoned by poetry’s call.
Loads of odes still to mangle,
then torture and strangle,
plus lim’ricks galore I can maul!
The nagging has gotten much worse
Because of this stay-at-home curse.
Who’s causing the strife?
Not the husband or wife;
Their cat is just human-averse.
Not long after Humpty’s great fall,
They came and repainted the wall.
With no sense of shame,
Now they’re using his name
For an omelette cafe at the mall.
My Mexican pal has it all.
Store management, that is his call.
Ends at dusk, starts at dawn,
So if you have seen Juan
That tells me that you’ve seen the Mall.
If she nags you, don’t nag back or diss her
She might leave you and then you would miss her.
If she just starts to blabber,
Don’t jab her, don’t stab her
Just nab her and grab her, then kiss her!
We had swing sets, toy cars and a doll
We’d go fishing, build tree forts, play ball.
Nowadays, kids, no doubt,
Think that life is about
Watching screens, hanging out at the mall.
Being nagged all the time by your beau?
Give the old silent treatment a go!
Wear some headphones and smile
Sing and dance all the while
Watch the silent spat bile just flow.
You know that you’ve hit a red flag
When your sweetheart is starting to nag.
If you’re married, you’re done
But if not, pack and run
And say, “Bye! It’s been fun, you old bag!”
Who said only the women do nagging?
Men are experts at lots of tongue-wagging
Also flapping their gums
While they twiddle their thumbs
And they sit on their bums and start bragging.
Yeah I know not all men are that way
Just the ones whom I’ve known in my day
They all start out so sweet
And they all want to treat
But I won’t even meet them halfway.
Once they win you and think you are theirs,
That is when they start splitting some hairs:
“My coffee’s too strong!”
“Look, your hair is too long!”
“Your opinion is wrong, but who cares?”
So I ditched the old nag who’s so crappy
Now the single life makes me so happy!
Stay up late, do some baking,
Forsaking the aching
No bras! Let ’em shake till they’re flappy.
Suzanne: A Response
You’re a poet inspired by events,
And speak out? Better that than consent.
But Suzanne – let them flap?
They’re prime assets! Mayhap
They may serve if new circs should present.
Such injurious thoughts should be checked!
There’s a risk that you’re being stiff-necked.
Oh, dear me! I’m a drag,
Am I not? And a nag?
Any chance I might have I’ve just wrecked.
Is it wise to give thunder gods malls?
Once they have them, the action appals.
Case in point, Mighty Thor:
Was he braver before,
Or, along with his hammer, gained balls?
When the thunder god first got his mall,
Overjoyed and complete in its thrall,
He would aim for a star,
But no matter how far,
It returned in response to his call.
We have only begun to build malls.
Said, ‘Goodbye!’ to our markets and halls.
There were shopping arcades …
Ah! The memory fades
And, in light of the upgrade, now galls.
“At the start, it was magic, of course.
We both felt it: a strange, potent force.
But that passion would flag;
Now she’s just an old nag.”
…Did you guess he’s describing a horse?
I love my old nag a whole lot
His pace is real slow, just a trot
My wife harps, “That steed
Is a smelly old breed”
One is stable, the other one’s not
I found my sweet nag at the brook
He threw up and then violently shook
Seems he ate too much hay
He sure wasn’t okay
And he gave me a real baleful look
THANKS SUZANNE AND TONY! LOLOL! (Laughing Out Loud
Over Limericks).
When living with someone who nags,
It’s best if attentiveness lags.
That’s harder for some
Who might let it become
A reason for packing some bags.
This happened with someone we know;
She got so upset with her beau.
Her cage he would rattle
With unending prattle;
His stuff on the lawn said “You go!”
Hello, Sjaan… I’m not finished with that Tony yet!
Here Tony… just for you!
Silly Tony, your misguided diction
Is assuming your truth of conviction
“Inspired by events”
Would only make sense
If you proved it’s immensely non-fiction.
‘Magination is what I take pride in
Gullibility’s what you abide in
If my “prime assets” happen
To freely be flappin’
You’re not who I’d crappin’ confide in!
Those old nags on the ranch, past their prime,
When corralled in the pen, take their time.
“Speed up! Holy moly!
Stop moving so slowly!”
Roars Rex (Master Rancher of Rhyme).
When I wander around in the mall,
I will oft hear that clarion call:
“Come buy it! You need it!
I try not to heed it,
Yet always head home with a haul.
Watch this space Sjaan! (Tee hee)
Well, Suzanne, that’s put me in my place!
Pass the dishcloth – there’s egg on my face.
Yes, my fancy, I own …
But no matter, you’ve shown …
Shall I ever live down the disgrace?
And yet, I must press you, methinks!
There is that in your motion that stinks.
Flap away, if you must,
My concerns for your bust
Will abide till my interest sinks.
You are single, you say, and you bake.
I must tell you, Suzanne, that that’s jake!
Do we need to converse
Or confide? No! Be terse;
Too much yakkin’ is where we mis-take.
It’s conversing that leads on to nagging.
I can hold my tongue – no, I’m not bragging.
We will have touch and feel
Come on, Suzy, get real!
We’ll find ways to engage when time’s dragging.
Over to you, Suzanne! X
Mad, would you replace ‘excite’ with ‘engage’, please. Thanks in anticipation. Tony
****
done.
Well, Suzanne, that’s put me in my place!
Pass the dishcloth – there’s egg on my face.
Yes, my fancy, I own …
But no matter, you’ve shown …
Shall I ever live down the disgrace?
And yet, I must press you, methinks!
There is that in your motion that stinks.
Flap away, if you must,
My concerns for your bust
Will abide till my interest sinks.
You are single, you say, and you bake.
I must tell you, Suzanne, that that’s jake!
Do we need to converse
Or confide? No! Be terse;
Too much yakkin’ is where we mis-take.
It’s conversing that leads on to nagging.
I can hold my tongue – no, I’m not bragging.
We will have touch and feel
Come on, Suzy, get real!
We’ll find ways to engage when time’s dragging.
You can bake while I tend to the verse,
And tomorrow, we’ll go in reverse.
So much fun to be had!
Yes, I bet you’ll be glad
That I didn’t cave in and disperse.
“I wandered, lonely, through the mall,
Quite mesmerised and held in thrall.”
‘Well and good, but undressed?
Were you feeling depressed?’
“I might have been, I don’t recall.”
I’ve taken liberties with the metre, I know, but it’s in a good cause.
Well, Suzanne, that’s put me in my place!
Pass the dishcloth – there’s egg on my face.
Yes, my fancy, I own …
But no matter, you’ve shown …
Shall I ever live down the disgrace?
And yet, I must press you, methinks!
There is that in your motion that stinks.
Flap away, if you must,
My concerns for your bust
Will abide till my interest sinks.
You are single, you say, and you bake.
I must tell you, Suzanne, that that’s jake!
Do we need to converse
Or confide? No! Be terse;
Too much yakkin’ is where we mis-take.
It’s conversing that leads on to nagging.
I can hold my tongue – no, I’m not bragging.
We will have touch and feel;
Come on, Suzy, get real!
We’ll find ways to engage when time’s dragging.
You can bake while I tend to the verse,
And tomorrow, we’ll go in reverse.
So much fun to be had!
Yes, I bet you’ll be glad
That I didn’t cave in and disperse.
You will roll up your sleeves now, I’m guessing,
And retort with thoughts ripe and distressing.
But please pause and reflect,
Here’s a chance to connect;
And who knows, Mad may give us her blessing.
What a muse!
(I’m watching, Tony! Limerick voyeur that I am. I can barely even THINK about Donald Trump any more. But alas…the saga of the sagging must wait. Back to the horror movie)
Said Trump, “I don’t care who they maul —
my fed troops are having a ball!
The scenes are horrendous,
which I call tremendous!
Let’s shoot Season Two in the fall.”
“I wandered, lonely, through the mall,
Intoxicated, held in thrall—”
“Yes, we know, but undressed!
Were you feeling depressed?”
“It’s quite possible – I don’t recall.”
I understand, Sjaan, though I commend the sequestered life of the poet and happy ignorance of Mister Trump’s excesses. It’s so much more fun to write limericks.
Double jeopardy answers the bell
When a partner is picky as hell.
Critique without pause
Is most likely to cause
A headache that’s nagging as well.
January 20, 2017
The crowd was incredibly small
On that day on the National Mall.
But inflating that size
Is just one of the lies
That the Toddler continues to bawl.
To answer a wood splitter’s call,
I bought it to help me last fall.
But looking ahead,
There’s none left in the shed;
And that’s why I’m shopping the maul.
Roy Rogers Rides Again
We kids loved our fave’rite horse, Trigger
We marvelled at Trigger’s great vigor
Though we loved Trigger so
We just had to let go
When Trigger was fine’ly in rigor
Mad: above limerick: could you please change L5 to When Trigger was
fine’ly in rigor
Thank You, Lisi
******
Done.
“How come there is NONE left for me?”
“That’s NOT the way it ought to be!”
With phrases like these
You can rule as you please;
Buy “Nagging For Dummies” and see!
There once was a fellow named Ace
whose mother would get on his case.
She’d say “Covid lingers
so soap up your fingers
and please keep your hands off your face.”
My boyfriend has so much to say.
He’ll boss and correct me all day.
He sure likes to rag,
and since he’s a nag,
his supper is going to be hay.
My haunt is the bar at the mall.
I’m always around til last call.
While drinking’s my passion,
the mall’s out of fashion.
I’m not risking Covid at all.
In his “Hayday” old Naggie was nice
He gave all of his horse friends advice
But now old and gray
He plays Bunco all day
Never wins cuz he can’t throw the dice
At a gym are a burglar and mates
Who are loading equipment in crates.
From his wife gets a call,
“Are you down at the mall?”
“No, I’m here at the gym lifting weights.”
Old Naggie, Again
In his “Hayday” old Naggie was nice
Gave all of his horse pals advice
But now old and gray
He plays Yahtzee all day
Never wins cuz he can’t throw the dice
I’m strutting my stuff at the mall
and flaunting my boobs, though they’re small.
I want folks to see,
though I’ll never make “B”,
they’re cute and they’re less apt to fall.
(nagging)
My boobies are starting to flap.
When I bend, they land in my lap.
My mom used to say,
“Wear your bra night and day”,
but free spirits tune out that crap.
Trump’s campaign continues to stall;
He thinks he’ll get help in the fall
From housewives ensconced
In suburbia’s haunts;
Who spend hubby’s dough at the mall.
My feelings are mixed about Mums.
She’s always flapping her gums.
We’re water and oil.
My stomach’s aboil.
Will somebody please pass the Tums?
My dog is a terrible nag.
He winced when I lit up a fag.
He commenced looking ill
and his tail stayed still.
It’s his tongue that started to wag.
I’m hoping to get a divorce.
I erred when I married my horse.
His being a nag
has become such a drag.
I doubt I’ll be staying the course.
There once was a young guy named Saul.
At his birth, he had only one ball.
I think that the other
got absorbed by his mother.
And replacements aren’t found at the mall.
This is in response to Tony’s 6-stanza limerick…
You are making it so complicated
And leaving my nerves rather grated
But I almost can see
You are laughing with glee
And it seems to leave me constipated.
You focus too much on my bust
And I’m worried that may lead to lust
So just let it all go
My chest AIN’T up for show
Your intentions you know I don’t trust.
This idea about us connecting –
I am MUCH worse than what you’re expecting.
I’m a nagging old fart
And a homely fat tart
You just aren’t that smart at selecting.
You may now lick your wounds, find a nurse.
In Dee Hyrkas’ poems, you could submerse.
Go ahead there and splurge
Satisfy your big urge
And great things will emerge in your verse!
Two lim’ricks of Dee’s contain “boobies”
They’re gems, much like diamonds or rubies.
Grind your limerick mills
Give us folk here some thrills
You’ve both great rhyming skills; you’re not newbies!
Sorry Dee, if I put you on the spot, but I recognized your talent so I couldn’t resist!
I loved a young woman named Fay
Who would nag about booze. She would say:
“If your lips should touch wine
They shall never touch mine!”
Now she’s gone, and my Pinots will stay.
For a man many think has it all,
Don’s sex life has slowed to a stall.
For Stormy, it seems,
Is a thing of his dreams
And Mel’s locked away down the hall.
Our honeymoon trip to Nepal
Was a long and tedious haul.
The climb, though chaotic,
Made sex more erotic
Until my wife’s stumble and fall.
I feel nagged when I’m pushed on the stage
and prefer to remain in my cage.
Though I sometimes may jest
’bout these mounds on my chest,
when called out, I decline to engage.
“Darling, how many times have I said,
Wash the dishes and make up the bed?”
I told her, “Yes dear,
When I finish my beer.”
Now I’m sleeping out back in the shed.
Once again, omelette sur le visage;
But who cares? Life’s for living – live large!
If you don’t break the eggs
All you’re left with is dregs;
Life is slow if you don’t turbocharge.
I must say, though, the picture, how quaint.
Sexy, hot and alluring it ain’t!
With the nerves I might cope,
But bunged up? Sorry, nope!
There’s a line – drawn in luminous paint.
So, my ardour, once rampant, now sags;
My amour lies in tatters and rags.
It was fun for a while,
But I can’t reconcile
Farts and homely and woman who nags.
I relinquish all claim on your bust.
My concerns are now ashes and dust.
I will heed your request,
Yes, it’s all for the best,
What’s the point if I can’t win your trust.
That’s the last you’ll be hearing from me.
Once again, it would seem, I am free.
I’m a poet at heart,
So, I suffer for art …
There! I’ve suffered enough. Hello, Dee!
Tell me more of your urge to display.
Any chance you’ll be flaunting my way?
Small but cute? My delight!
Do I get the green light?
Never mind what your mother might say!
Oh, Suzanne! To have loved and then lost!
I am only now counting the cost.
Are you really a hag?
I don’t care if you nag.
Like a salad, I’m best when I’m tossed!
Until you came along, I was mired,
And just look at me now! I’m inspired.
It would seem your disdain
Lit the fuse in my brain,
And then, BANG! Now you tell me, I’m fired.
Reconsider your stance, I beseech.
I will wilt if we can’t heal the breach.
I won’t mention your bust –
There are tablets for lust;
The embargo extends to your breech?
Don’t be shy, Dee, it’s all in good fun.
You might find that you like it, once done.
Strutt your stuff, flaunt away;
Every dog has its day.
Take a stroll in the limelight, don’t run.
A boyfriend who just didn’t call
Walked in with some Moll to the Mall
He left to go pay
After I had my say
She was no longer waiting at all.
Clean house, fix meals and iron his shorts?
He expected far more than polite intercourse
This was not what I meant
When I gave my assent
So I said yes once more – to divorce.
I’m hoping that Dee isn’t vexed,
but Suzanne — hey, man — must be perplexed.
Tony’s opened a stall
at the neighborhood mall
where he stands at the door calling, “Next!”
To work in the city’s a drag
At five, cars and taxis sure lag
Last week, even worse
I just stared to curse
And went home with a rank Hansom Nag
At Anthony Fauci Trump nags;
“You’re why my economy lags!
It just isn’t fun
If I’m not number one!”
“You are sir – in body-sized bags.”
Good to see you, Sjaan, I was wondering where you’d got to.
A scag or a hag on the rag
Was used in describing a nag.
That’s back in the day;
Now we’re likely to say
Her temper’s a tiny, red flag.
I was shopping for clothes at the mall,
bought a shirt with a tag that said “small”.
Though it may seem unwise
when I buy the wrong size,
it sure helps keep the boys in my thrall.
Clean house, fix meals; iron his shorts?
And more fight than polite intercourse
This was not what I meant
When I gave my assent
So I said yes once more – to divorce.
(edited)
Trump’s nagging and bragging and jive;
He’s stoking the flames to survive.
This pig-headed blight
Would pick a new fight
Were Bozo the Clown still alive.
I found a new partner last week;
Her features were supple and sleek.
No harping or nagging,
My spirits weren’t sagging;
Right up ’til the valve sprung a leak.
I dated a good man names Paul
who took me to shop at the mall.
He dropped to his knees,
pulled a ring out, said “Please?”
but it came from the Cracker Jack stall.
I dated a good man named Paul
who took me to shop at the mall.
He dropped to his knees,
pulled a ring out, said “Please?”
but it came from the Cracker Jack stall.
Redo: named (not names)
A response to Dee’s latest.
“Oh, Dear Dee, you’re a tease, I believe,
Flaunting mounds yet again, I perceive.
Always off to the mall,
Where you set out your stall;
It now seems you’re more vamp’ than naïve.”
Marvell’s lady groaned, “Each time I see him,
He reads verses about Carpe Diem.
All that hounding and jawing
is prelude to pawing.
Is it unladylike if I knee him?
(knee him twice, get it right?)
Marvell’s lady groaned, “Each time I see him,
he quotes verses about Carpe Diem.
All that hounding and jawing,
his prelude to pawing.
Is unladylike if I knee him?”
Unisex: could be either
Just why are you always protesting?
And claim that I’m constantly wresting?
I’m not a true pest
So don’t feel oppressed
I’m merely just often suggesting
Her lover- so handsome and tall;
He’s always right there on the ball.
She knew from the start
He had stolen her heart;
(Cliches – from the best of ’em all)
To nag- which is short for haranguing;
Should set off alarm bells a-clanging.
Its method is clear:
Harp at somebody near;
And maybe eliminate banging.
We used to go shop at the mall;
With purchases made – large and small.
Like TVs and such,
But today, not so much;
Jeff Bezos co-opted it all.
With Amazon now you can ask
Alexa to handle the task
Of buying your stuff;
‘Till she yells in a huff:
“I CAN’T order wine by the cask!”
Her boyfriend was starting to nag;
He wasn’t amused with her gag.
She’d posted a pic
Of his slumbering dick;
With a caption: “Tonight’s in the bag!”
For Sjaan – an invitation to play.
“What bad luck, Sjaan, you haven’t got breasts;
Pecs have far less potential for jests.
Please don’t think that I nag;
It’s not your fault you lag
Behind Suzanne and Dee and their chests.”
“Having said that, of course men have boobs,
Though, correctly, I should say, have moobs.
They don’t flap quite the same
And aren’t flaunted – For shame!
And look awful in one of those tubes.”
“What bad luck, Sjaan, you haven’t got breasts;
Pecs have far less potential for jests.
Please don’t think that I nag;
It’s not your fault you lag
Behind Suzanne and Dee and their chests.”
“Having said that, of course men have boobs,
Though, correctly, I should say, have moobs.
They don’t flap quite the same
And aren’t flaunted – For shame!
And look awful in one of those tubes.”
“Don’t consider these points a defeat.
You’d need pecs like young Arn’ to compete.
He could flaunt at the mall
And draw gasps from us all
As he bounced them around. What a treat!”
In the 80’s we loved all the stores
We checked out all 59 floors
And there at the mall
A man who was tall
Mentioned something he called “the outdoors”
“Hey Mildred – let’s go tho the mall;
There’s lots of great stores, I recall.
Like the Penny’s and Sears
They’ve had all these years;
And Radio Shack is a ball.”
1989 was the year when
I met my sweet lover boy, Ben
It was at Rip Off Mall
Boy, we sure had a ball
And we’ve never seen sunshine again
Hi Mad – In my “Amazon” posting above, could you change the last line to read: “I CANT order wine by the cask!”
Thanks, Dave
*****
Done.
This guy went shopping at the mall
And got stuck in a bathroom stall
He tried to slide low
Hit his head on the floor
He was force to do a mean head crawl
The Lim’rick police got a call:
“There’s trouble at Doo-Ditty Mall!”
The dispatcher laughed. “Tony?
a bunch of baloney —
he just likes to break through the fourth wall.”
The clerk nag her workers all day
Until her face got stuck in the clay
Knew pottery was produce
She called for a truce
Then gave them a joyful play-day
“Alexa” I started to ask,
“How come you’re not wearing a mask?”
“You’re nagging me now.”
She replied “Anyhow,
My curve is too flat for the task.”
“Oh dear, Sjaan! Disappointment. ‘Sthat it?
Not a word on pectoral or tit?
With no playmate days drag;
It’s small wonder I nag,
But I ‘spose now the biter’s been bit’.”
“Do I dare show my face at the mall?
I think not, now we’ve breached the fourth wall.
I’d be on tenterhooks –
Might be treated like crooks;
It’s a shame, I was having a ball.”
Though her husband’s been dead since September
And it’s now two weeks into December,
Mrs. D. finds no peace,
No surcease, no release
From the words she will always remember:
“Humpty dear,” she had nagged, “I’ll be bound,
You are getting entirely too round.
Just watching you dress
Is a source of distress:
You’ve outgrown all your clothing!” she’d frowned —
But he’d smiled! “Dear, don’t worry at all;
I’ll just buy some new clothes at the mall.
Have you seen their new ad?
‘Come on down — you’ll be glad —
Buy our specials and Have a Great Fall!'”
The nagging had only begun;
She thought: “This is gonna be fun”.
Recording his rant
As a lip-syncing chant,
Her Ticked-Tok is having a run.
I frequently don a tight sweater
but Mother nags, “Looser is better.”
A man’s gaze sometimes roams
(and she means Tony Holmes),
a lecher who’s always upset her.
In Britain he’s called Jack the Lad
and it’s rumored John Holmes is his dad.
So when I get his call,
I haul ass to the mall.
There’s much naughty fun to be had.
My visage is stoic and stony.
You can’t tell how I feel about Tony.
Those who wonder may nag.
I’ll self-gag with a rag
and never admit that he’s phony.
Sorry, Tony! I’m just following the rhyme.
Way back in the day at the mall,
I’d walk that gargantuan hall
With one stop in mind
Of the specialty kind:
Victoria’s Secret – that’s all.
One time, at the counter I’m told
My item had also been sold
The previous day
To a Mr. Elway;
The QB whose passes were gold.
Now many years later, I smile;
She’s wearing those jammies with style.
Here’s hoping that set
John’s lady would get
Keeps winning their hearts by a mile.
(true story)
“So here’s the deal, David,” said Saul,
“Their Goliath guy’s mean, and he’s tall.
But one shot from your sling
And you’ll be the next king,
For the Philistine army we’ll maul.”
“From your shoulders your head I’ll dislodge,”
Said my wife, “What’s this charge for massage?
At the New Lotus Garden,
I’ll bet that you harden!”
I’m sleeping now in the garage.
Testing.
No worries, Dee. You made me laugh out loud. X
It is said mothers always know best.
Take my own, “Are you wearing your vest?” (US = Undershirt)
Did I take her advice?
No! Ignored in a trice.
Dee, from lecher who cares, it’s your chest.
No, John Holmes really wasn’t my dad –
I have just looked him up and “Egad!”
I confess, I’m nonplussed;
What the heck! I’m not fussed,
But I’ve gone off the point and that’s bad.
And the point is, I’m off to the mall,
Now that Dee has agreed to play ball.
I say ball, what I mean …
No, perhaps you’re too green.
You should talk to the fly on the wall.
I wanted some socks, new jeans and boutiques
Shampoo for my hair and some blush for my cheeks
I went to the mall
With my card, got it all
And my spouse hasn’t spoken for weeks.
The inscrutable countenance, Dee
May fool others but doesn’t fool me.
You’re a minx in disguise,
It can’t be otherwise;
Read the lines in between, and you’ll see.
It is said mothers always know best.
Take my own, “Are you wearing your vest?” (US = Undershirt)
Did I take her advice?
No! Ignored in a trice.
Dee, from lecher who cares, it’s your chest.
No, John Holmes really wasn’t my dad –
I have just looked him up and “Egad!”
I confess, I’m nonplussed;
What the heck! I’m not fussed,
But I’ve gone off the point and that’s bad.
And the point is, I’m off to the mall,
Now that Dee has agreed to play ball.
I say ball, what I mean …
No, perhaps you’re too green.
You should talk to the fly on the wall.
The inscrutable countenance, Dee
May fool others but doesn’t fool me.
You’re a minx in disguise,
It can’t be otherwise;
Read the lines in between, and you’ll see.
Sory for the double posting but I was having problems and it took me a while to sort it out.
“A battle-axe, hammer, or maul,”
Said Gimli, “will answer the call.
The orcs I will whack,
Keeping Frodo on track
To effectuate Sauron’s downfall.”
These protests require some gall
To open the brain with a maul
We venture to say
There will come a day
When JUSTICE will come to us all
Hey Tony, so glad you have found
Others with whom you can fool around.
I trust your bust lust
Has been thrust into dust
And was widely discussed, now lost ground.
You walk the earth, search for enlisters
Till your footsies accumulate blisters.
Here’s what should make your drive
Pay off fast, come alive –
Rosy Palm and her five little sisters!
Do take your mask out of the bag
And wear it, not letting it sag
You know that you should
It’s for your own good
I’ve really turned into a nag
Some boobies will flap when you touch ’em;
others nag all the time if you hutch ’em.
But as birds of a feather,
they’ll all stick together
(which makes for a mess should you clutch ’em).
Spend your money and go to the mall
We can’t let the economy fall!
So just do as you please.
If you die of disease –
No more BAD memories to recall!
If you hike in the woods, have a ball!
But bring bear spray – prevent a bear maul.
If you’re not too thin-skinned,
Use the spray; don’t get pinned
Just make sure you’re upwind from it all!
Now dear Tony, I do hate to nag
But your verse style keeps hitting a snag –
Write a verse, then repeat
Rewrite, ADD some more meat
And repeat the same feat till I gag!
Why not write the damn thing all at once?!
It annoys – such repetitive stunts
Waste of space, time and rhymes
To reread them five times
Lips repeating like mimes from a dunce.
As it now stands, if I see your stuff
Get repeated, my mind says, “Enough!”
Then I skip to the next
Poet’s limerick text
So I don’t get too vexed or too gruff.
Your verses, so BRILLIANT, bring laughter
Making some of us poets look dafter.
After posting, that’s when
The next verse hits again.
Write them ALL first with pen, then post AFTER.
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Her nagging was snarky and shrill;
Sometimes he would think “What a pill!”
Still, laughter was shared;
With anatomy bared,
She gave it the name “Dr. Fill.”
Suzanne!!
Well, well, well, revelations galore!
You’re a girl who lives life in the raw.
But, Suzanne, play alone?
That’s no fun when you’re grown;
Virtuoso, or not, it’s a bore.
There are things that are best done alone.
For example, a trip to the throne.
But the joys, when mature,
Of a lady’s allure,
Quite apart from the fun, raise the tone.
And that brings me quite nicely to lust,
And my own, which is dormant, not bust.
I stand ready – well, poised,
And the moment it’s noised,
That you’re flappin’ or flaunti’, I thrust!
Your rebuke: it was painful to hear,
And unjust; you mis-read me, I fear.
I compose in a batch,
Then upload, but the catch
Was, the software was faulty, my dear.
I would rather be noble than nag,
So, I’ll spare you the details, a drag.
What’s a pen? That’s a waste!
Type it out, cut and paste …
It was that that created the snag.
Breaking news! Seems that Dee’s on the flaunt,
And returned to her favourite haunt.
Aged men, at the mall,
Are all having a ball,
And have justified Dee and her vaunt.
For the moment, Dear Lady, that’s all.
I have answered and now I stand tall.
Your remarks, so concise,
Were most kind, and that’s nice;
Now excuse me, I’m off to the mall.
It’s amazing! Two words, nag and mall,
Have inspired and delighted – good call.
And as daft as this sounds,
I shall miss Dee’s pert mounds,
And Suzanne’s happy flappies. That’s all!
I met a nice guy at the mall.
We went out, though my boobs are small.
But my confidence shattered
when he said that size mattered.
I guess “homes” wasn’t nice, after all.
I know, Suze, I know; but they have to be read together – you’ll see. T X
It’s amazing! Two words, nag and mall,
Have inspired and delighted – good call.
And as daft as this sounds,
I shall miss Dee’s pert mounds,
And Suzanne’s happy flappies. That’s all!
Just a thought, a memento – not small.
Nothing fancy, for photo recall.
S and D, assets stripped,
Nice big smile, not tight-lipped;
You can get photos done at the mall.
I hid out in the can at the mall
and gave birth in the last bathroom stall.
In this startling case,
the poor babe had no face.
He was masked in a sac called a caul.
Oh, Dear Dee, I’m a man of good taste,
And for smallness would never lambaste!
No, for me, small and sweet
Are the pinnacle treat;
You are blessed! It’s the troll who’s disgraced.
I was shopping one day at the mall,
When suddenly came nature’s call.
And I couldn’t hold back
From this urgent attack;
At the prices I just had to bawl.
Be as gruff as you like, S. I think the improvements are worth it!
It’s amazing! Two words, nag and mall,
Have inspired and delighted – good call.
And as daft as this sounds,
I shall miss Dee’s pert mounds,
And Suzanne’s happy flappies. That’s all!
Just a thought, a memento – not small,
Nothing fancy – for instant recall.
S and D, assets stripped,
Nice big smiles, not tight-lipped;
There’s a photo-booth down at the mall.
There is a wet T-shirt contest
and I’m pretty proud of my chest.
So I rush to the mall
to show off what is small.
Between me and Suzanne, whose is best?
I’m “nursing” a pretty big grudge
cuz that darned Tony Holmes was the judge.
And “Best Chest of the Mall”,
though a very close call,
was awarded to Suzy. Oh, fudge!
Mad, could you change “Best Tits of the Mall” to “Best Chest of the Mall”? Thanks.
NOT A CONTEST ENTRY
With Considerable Admiration For Suzanne, Tony, Dee, and Sjaan…
Witty nagging is match of your limerick jest,
serve and volley to rally steadfastly abreast,
but the Chair should now call
— for the meter you maul —
declaration of draw without right to protest.
Must I choose? I would far rather not.
In your own ways you’re both pretty hot.
I have catholic taste,
So no boob goes to waste;
It’s whatever’s to hand, or I’ve got
I’m maligned – reprehensible girl.
To be grudged Agh! My head’s in a whirl.
I’ve spent days at that mall,
Just in case you would call;
It’s enough to make ‘brellas unfurl.
Till the photos arrive, I can’t judge,
So relinquish that hold on your grudge.
Once I have them to hand,
And have checked them and scanned …
This could take quite a while, nudge, nudge.
Better read as one piece.
Must I choose? I would far rather not.
In your own ways you’re both pretty hot.
I have catholic taste,
So no boob goes to waste;
It’s whatever’s to hand, or I’ve got.
I’m maligned – reprehensible girl.
To be grudged Agh! My head’s in a whirl.
I’ve spent days at that mall,
Just in case you would call;
It’s enough to make ‘brellas unfurl.
Till the photos arrive, I can’t judge,
So relinquish that hold on your grudge.
Once I have them to hand,
And have checked them and scanned …
This could take quite a while, nudge, nudge.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 449 . Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Dope.
Just let me get in one last response to Tony and Dee, please…
Tony…
It seems all of your engines were revvin’
You have spoiled us with verses – all seven!
And then further below –
Well, that number did grow
My, your lim’ricks are so much like heaven!
Dee is also accomplished in rhyme
The back and forth yapping – sublime!
She’s a good sport, I’m glad
As for you – a tad mad
All together we had a good time!
Ah, Dear Portly, a word in your ear.
Your remarks were most gracious, mon frere.
I do hope you read this
For I fear I’m remiss,
So, I’ve posted the last one and here.