Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SIDE or SIGHED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 9, 2020 at 4 p.m. (Eastern Time)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SIDE or SIGHED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CHALLENGES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CHALLENGE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 9 or 10, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 9, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.) PLEASE NOTE THE NEW, EARLIER DEADLINE!
Here’s my SIDE-Rhymed limerick:
’Twas deceptively lovely outside,
But a problem was readily spied:
Though the sun was a-glitter,
No humans! (No litter!)
I retreated — electing to hide.
And here’s my CHALLENGE-themed limerick:
Feeling trapped in your house? Join the crowd!
(Except joining a crowd ain’t allowed.)
Though our viral constraints
May be cause for complaints,
We must cope with the challenge unbowed.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Challenges Humor, Competition Limerick, Coronavirus, Covid-19, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Pandemic, Poetry & Prompts, Social Distancing, Writing Prompts
When they said we’d be staying inside,
I confess that I cursed and I cried.
Six weeks later, I find
That I’m mostly resigned
(Also short-nailed, gray-headed and wide).
Although challenges surely abound,
I’m determined to win in this round —
Not just vanquish the tomb
Using masks, soap and Zoom,
But avoid even one extra pound.
Sorry, Mad — that should be “but avoid even one extra pound.” Can you fix that?
****
Done.
“For them viruses lurking inside,
Disinfectant’s the stuff to be tried.
If you don’t like the taste,
Hey, it can be replaced –
Same result if you take cyanide.”
‘Twas a challenge to turn on her side
As the double bed wasn’t that wide.
But she lifted one thigh,
Rolled and caught him – first try,
And their passion would not be denied.
I’m so misunderstood, DT sighed;
What’s this concept, the President lied?
I’m allergic to truth,
Like this here Baby Ruth,
So it’s honesty I can’t abide.
Donald Trump takes extravagant pride
In his intellect. “Can’t be denied,
I’m incredibly smart!
My IQ’s off the chart –
See, that’s me, on the far left-hand side.”
Up In the Air
Black leather, he promised a ride
To the bold one who came to his side.
So they left the loud bar,
His place wasn’t too far;
Hands explored, and together they sighed.
Satin sheets gleamed as black as the night,
Smiles exchanged as he turned off the light.
Fast and hot, loud and wet,
Would she let him? She let…
One could say that things got very tight
(Those black sheets soon were spotted with white).
If Trump’s harebrained schemes were applied,
By those who take, always, his side,
I’d buy stock in Lysol
And enjoy the windfall
But not use it for what he’s implied.
The sad chicken just sat there and cried
Couldn’t cross to the roads’ other side
Though it may evoke
The worlds’ oldest joke
That highway was just too damn wide
I’m writing a limerick each day
My challenge to keep the dementia away
But if I should fail
To avoid this travail
I never would know it, anyway
During Scrabble a challenge is heard,
But a penalty won’t be incurred.
The letter formation
Receives vindication,
‘Cause the player’s as good as his word.
On the cruise, Charlie coughed and he died
The doctor on board, then implied:
“Folks, it’s not what you think!
His wife poisoned his drink”
(In relief, all the passengers sighed)
On that day, all the new rules applied
And Ms. Brothel was one real strict guide:
Before they could play
Ev’ry client must pay
Only then could they all come inside
The Manager Speaks
“Here’s a challenge that’s hard to obey!
All grocery “baggers must play:
When you get a nice tip
Who’s the one who won’t slip
And say, “Thank you, and have a nice day”
Another Challenge
The new challenge at Subway’s real dumb
Yet the winner will get a great sum
As you order your meat
With additions you’ll eat
All that time, you may not utter, “Umm”
If there’s one thing I cannot abide
It’s to “shelter in place” (i.e., hide).
I endure this bad dream
With a pint of ice cream
And an order of fries on the side.
My jacket hung on the wrong side
But its label had nothing to hide
The letters were bold
A story it told:
“Made In China: America’s Pride”
Donald Trump with Mike Pence at his side
gives new meaning to Jekyll and Hyde.
No, wait –that’s too kind,
so if you don’t mind,
let’s go with Godzilla and Bride.
Reopen America wide!”
say protesters missing their pride.
Most just want to live
while the psychos don’t give
a damn now that Trump’s on their side.
The mate of a wealthy young bride
Claimed she’d choked on some chick-peas and died.
But the coroner found
That the chick-peas were ground…
So they’re calling her death hummus-cide.
The survivalists thought they would hide
In their bunkers. That’s when they first tried
The beans they bulk-bought
Back in two-thousand-aught…
Now they think we should ALL go outside.
HEADLINE: TRUMP DEMANDS WEST POINT GRADS
COME BACK FOR HIS SPEECH
“War President”! Turgid with pride,
Trump trumpets the words far and wide.
But no leader before
In the time of a war
Chose to fight on the enemy’s side.
Birx stands at the President’s side
As the madman continues his slide
Into public disgrace.
And the look on her face
Says, “I’m only along for the ride!”
We never have seen eye to eye
It’s a challenge to even get by
So I go out and run
Till my suffering’s done
(Now I can’t leave the house, so I cry)
Mad: above limerick: line 5 was supposed to be: Now I can’t leave the house ,
so I cry. Could you please fix it for me?
Thank You, Lisi
****
Done
challenge and side: double
The “Polar Bear Plunge” is a winter event at which time people plunge into water in freezing cold temperatures
The “Polar Bear” challenge takes thinking
‘Bout issues, (but one isn’t sinking)
Cause men have their pride
And they have to decide:
“Is this project worth all of that shrinking?”
From watching Trump’s briefings, we’ve seen
The infection is deadly and mean.
Though the threat is severe,
We’ll defeat it — no fear!
(Then go on to fight COVID-19…)
“Let’s surrender,” the General sighed.
“We can’t defeat Hitler. We tried,
But the Nazis’ defense
Makes a whole lot of sense:
‘We’re just being sarcastic,’ they cried.”
(Note to the President: THIS is sarcasm.)
I’m tensing my muscles with dread
As I think of the challenge ahead.
I push through the hurt,
All my strength to exert —
And… I’VE DONE IT! I got out of bed.
It’s a challenge to stand by the side
Of a guy whose cerebrum is fried.
Take a bow, Dr. Fauci;
Try not to be grouchy.
Don’t fret; it’s not you we deride.
Nicole breathed deeply and sighed.
She recalled how her neighbour had spied
On her in the shower,
And for more than an hour
As she nude sunbathed outside.
In debates, there’s more than one side,
Mine, and that to be denied.
I can so easy reject
‘Cause I’m always correct,
And that’s nothing to do with my pride.
Gangsters Moll
Evelyn was suitably horrified
When told she’s Al’s bit on the side.
Then Capone put that straight,
Said she’s his regular date,
She was quite happy and justly mollified
Republicans shan’t be denied
Having justice and truth on our side
I’ll take my gun
And shoot every one
Of all those Democrats who’ve lied.
Alternate last line…
Till all Democrats in Hell have fried.
You can push the blame to one side
But there’s one thing you cannot hide,
You were told to take heed,
But you said “There’s no need,
The bugs not coming!” You lied.
The Ultimate Challenge
The “Pursuit of Happiness” will fail
To catch it e’er by the tail.
Enjoy every task,
Of no glory ask,
And “Happiness” shall then prevail.
Talk of challenging jobs? Here’s a peach:
Doctor Fauci’s. No day at the beach,
Reassuring the press
After Trump’s made a mess,
And then warning folks not to drink bleach!
But if THAT wasn’t bad enough, Fauci
Has to reason with Trump when he’s grouchy.
Trump’s feelings get hurt
When we mock his last blurt,
And the Doc has to bandage the ouchie.
(Sorry, Tim J. — I’m “borrowing” your rhyme…!)
Trumpty Dumpty sits high on his wall.
It’s an unstable perch all in all.
If he rolls off the side
on a plummeting ride,
he’ll most surely crack up in the fall.
“I am speaking to you on behalf
Of the President’s bumbling staff
The challenge today
Is to hear what he’ll say
And the winner’s the one who won’t laugh”
I can meet any challenge with pride
By repeating my mantra inside.
I’ll face my attackers
While saying, “It’s crackers
Slipping rozzers the dropsy in snide!”
(Out of Competition — I had to wreck the rhythm for the sake of the old MAD magazine joke.)
Some reporters have asked Dr. Birx
if the “scarf thing” is one of her quirks.
She takes it in stride,
says, “All kidding aside —
like Donald, you mean?” Then she smirks.
I’ll have salad, with Ranch on the side
And the most pricey steak you provide
Don’t forget the red wine
One that’s simply divine
Give the check to my lovely new bride
My new surgeon was Dr. John Hyde
Who said he’s the “best” but he lied
He had so many flaws
And I know this because
My new hip was put on the wrong side
A flutist was taken aside
‘Cause his ‘tude was increasingly snide.
He got hit in the snoot
With a pastry of fruit.
And that’s how the piper got pied.
My mother took Brother’s side
I knew full well he had lied
Did he trip on the floor
when his right fist is sore?
He hurt much more than his pride.
Come children and sit by my side,
We must find you a safe place to hide.
A new Piper is here
To prey on your fear,
Only this one is orange and not pied
Be our cheerleader – fill us with pride,
(one approach that you haven’t yet tried).
You can wiggle your hips
And do double-back flips
While Stormy high kicks at your side.
He leaned back and heaved a big sigh,
After downing three pieces of pie;
Then gobbled three more,
Threw up on the floor,
And couldn’t quite understand why.
His brain was the toast of Fidenza,,
But up to the standards of Mensa?
He gave its his best
But flunked the whole test–
“Those-a questions they make-a no sense-a.”
Poor Icarus had to have sighed
Near the end of his ill-fated ride;
What must he have felt,
His wings in a melt–
The first aviator who died?
Get cracking, my poetic muse,
And give me some lines I can use;
Just do what you can,
If the stuff doesn’t scan,
The least I can do is refuse.
I Try My Hardest
It’s not what I say, it’s what you understand.
Your reply comments are quite underhand.
I make things quite simple, especially for you.
If you miss the point, what can I do?
All while “Fake News” fires you have fanned.
With her loved ones right there at her side
A woman of courage had died
She hoped to go far
And reach for a star
Her dreams all came true, (Sally Ride)
She challenged me: “Bet you can’t drink
More then three rum-and-cokes an still think.”
Wel, i took that their bet.
wen was that? i firget.
cuz i think i migt bee drunking stink
Wayne Manor wiped out by defacement,
ill-starred Batman bemoaned its replacement.
“I was looked on with pride
until Covid,” he sighed.
“Now I’m forced to go live in debasement.”
Michelle O. was proclaimed a media WOW;
To worship and everyone to kowtow;
In inauguration at O’s side,
It was the whole nation that sighed,
In the fact that she walked like a cow.
I love my new beautiful bride
She’s my lover, my friend, and my guide
But still, I’m quite sure
That she’ll soon be a bore
So I’ve hired one more for the side
“A Fair Exchange In These Unusual Times”
I’ve a challenge for you, if you dare
Are you willing to have an affair?
I don’t know who you are
But we’ll boink in your car
After that, can you please cut my hair?
Till I had nought left inside,
I tried and I tried and I tried
To start the mower but alas,
It had run out of gas,
At the empty can I looked and sighed.
We’ve looked at the mirror and sighed;
That image we cannot abide.
We’ll all have the blues
With our D.I.Y ‘dos;
Coronacuts no one can hide.
Sherlock Holmes is right here by my side
I have chosen the world’s greatest guide!
And boy! what a pro!
He said, “Donald, let’s go
And uncover where immigrants hide”
The challenge was born on a dare;
That couple would screw in mid-air.
Their skydiving hump
After making the jump
An aerial tryst then and there.
Connected, they dropped from the plane;
Then banging like they were insane.
Their downward descent
Was a naughty event
Unfolding above the terrain.
The landing was soft in the end;
But maybe the start of a trend.
“Fantastic!” they said;
“Way more fun than in bed;
The next time, we’re bringing a friend.”
SIGHED/SIDE
Is Trump really there? How we sighed
‘Cos he’s taken us all for a ride.
What on earth can we do?
It would help if we knew
How to set him aside, ‘gainst the tide.
CHALLENGES
Find a limerick hidden in Stonehenge?
It might have been hewed in revenge.
If it’s found to be true
That’s a challenge to hit me and you
Because chiseller’s too old to avenge.
The “articulate” Joe Biden just sighed;
His polls numbers continued their slide;
“I do make the gaffes,
But just do it for laughs,
Okay, you got me, I lied”
Pandemic Necessities
My owner and I used to nuzzle
But not anymore, (what a puzzle!)
At first I just sighed
Then I broke down and cried
And also, he’s stolen my muzzle
I’ll admit that I like to deride
Trump supporters; I taunt them and chide
Them for lacking a brain.
(They are, frankly, insane.)
It’s fun being a thorn in their side.
There are those who enjoy challenging work.
But not me! My approach is to shirk
From, avoid, and evade
All hard tasks—yet get paid
Like a king, not a penniless clerk.
Cop: “You both say you’ve not been outside,
But there’s something not quite bona fide:
Ma’am, your hair’s full of grass;
Sir, there’s mud on your ass,
And you’re blushing… in shame, or with pride?”
They’ll be opening shops, people say…
The new challenge: to figure a way
To get color, a blouse,
Some new books for the house,
And a pedicure — all the same day!
Trump’s staff has a challenge each day:
De-amplify what he might say.
They’re having to teach
Him that gargling bleach
Would make all his fans go away.
I planned this Zoom weeks in advance,
Leaving little or nothing to chance.
‘Twas a challenge, I’ll own,
But top brass said I shone —
OH MY GOD, I forgot to wear pants!!
The Ladies Of Morale
My “honey sop” won’t ride astride
She says there are parts she should “hide”
Sweetkins just won’t be coarse
When it comes to her horse
She’s real modest and must ride aside
Pandemic Dilemma
A manicure’s what I’ve been needing
I surely have not been succeeding
Oh Wow! how I sighed
When I finally tried
And noticed each finger was bleeding
Libs are all fearing their blight;
Also Biden’s dementia plight;
It’s a challenge insane,
To look for a brain,
In Biden or any liberal in sight!
Biden’s new challenge a mishap?
“Asserting I assaulted staffers is madcap;
While I did like to sniff hair,
It’s not the hair that’s up there,
But only until I gave them the Clap!”
College girls want masculinity to retreat;
“Toxic” masculinity hands snowflakes defeat;
Equal valuation for their side,
Though symbolic castration applied,
Redefining is the only way they compete!
Colleges teach gender aversion;
To challenge gender neutrality conversion;
But at bar-time students shmooze,
And their obsolete genitalia they use,
To engage in every form of perversion!
To surprise her new husband, the bride
Wrapped herself in Saran Wrap with pride.
He arrived home from work;
Saw his wife. With a smirk,
Said, “Not lefto’ers again!” and he sighed.
His erection was so hard to hide
That he could barely keep it inside
But he was quite handy
When his cock got so randy
And quickly came to make it subside
yesterday from 12:12 PM: a better version of “My Honey Sop”
My “honey sop” won’t ride astride
She insists there are parts she must “hide”
Sweetie just won’t be coarse
When it comes to her horse
She has pride, so she must ride aside
It’s a challenge to follow this credo:
“When in public don’t flaunt your libido.”
But now that our tasks
involve wearing masks,
we can flaunt all we want incognito!
At Ground Zero the nurses who tried
telling jokes to push misery aside,
said they couldn’t explain
why it helped ease their pain,
or why sometimes they laughed till they cried.
“Every Virus Has A Silver Lining”
With astonishment, oh how I sighed !
My fav-o-rite rock star can’t hide
Ev’ry where that I went
It was just “heaven sent”
(And I thought Michael Jackson had died)
On the PornHub she’s kinky and brave
She has fetishes; master and slave,
Sixty-nine or astride,
On their knees or their side
But that maskless taboo is her fave
In before-times we’d go for a ride
Stop at shops and salons far and wide
And the quaint things we’d say
From way back in the day:
”Trim a bit off the top and the side
In Canada people are smart
Public health measures taken to heart
Like the rule that’s applied
When we’re working outside:
“Stay a caribou’s distance apart”
The police have a challenging task
Cuz each witness they happened to ask
Swore the bank robber guys
Used a cunning disguise
In that none of the gang wore a mask
Pandemics are tough to forestall
So the Chinese are taking the fall
Trump is making them pay
I believe in the way
He made Mexico pay for ‘The Wall’
It’s a challenge, but what can we do
Since the Chinese exported their flu
All those tariffs went bust
So I think that we must
Build a wall along their border too
Honest Abe was he called,
At his candour some were appalled.
So how many sighed
When they heard that Trump lied?
Was his run for office forestalled?
All talk and no action,
It’s time we got some traction
I know that you sighed,
But until we decide,
We will get no reaction.
Jim Donner devouring his bride
When her brother burst in and he cried
Said “I’m now calling dibs
On the rest of these ribs
This is one time I’m taking her side”
“My new husband’s so big,” said the bride,
“It was tiring to get him ‘inside.’
After many a try,
I stocked up on K-Y.
It’s an issue I now can let slide.”
For Steve Whitred: (just can’t help it…)
Said the infamous C. Anna Ball
(and with nary a soupcon of gall),
“I feel deep inside
this rumbling of pride
for my shrinks and my lawyers, et al.”
The Changing Times: Social Distance
I went to “La Posh Beauty Shoppe”
I asked, “Can I get a nice crop?”
The beautician replied
“That sounds fine; go outside
We shall then wash your hair with a mop”
I was bored, so went out for a ride
Despite knowing we should stay inside
The cops came from behind me
They stopped me and fined me
Oh well, it’s my own fault I sighed
As for wearing a mask — wouldn’t do it!
With my nose in the air, I’d eschew it.
Now, alas, I endure
homemade facial couture;
but one challenge remains: breathing through it.
though he suddenly picked a side
rules following he had to abide
he changed his mind quick
came up with a neat trick
then stuck his chest out with great pride
Feeling challenges from being inside
Keeping your distance is tried
Stay six inches back
You won’t be attack
Follow the rules and float with the tide
Is he up to the challenge?
From the number of lies that abound,
Trump’s sanity is quite unsound.
Will he take the arduous trip
To help him get a grip?
A chorus of loud No’s resound.
Dishonesty seems quite acceptable,
And in Republican circles respectable,
In which they take some pride
Till the Democrat side
Shows them all as not undetectable.
I know what I did say
But my advisors all said “No way!
So, to save their pride,
I’ll go with their side
And not close the taskforce today.
Covid challenge
We’ve all heard the president say,
That he’ll send this virus away,
But what can Trump teach,
With injections of bleach?
Let’s just do what the doctors say
Moaned a mugger while reading a graph,
showing street crime diminished half:
“Now that all my marks hide
under masks when outside,
if I say ‘stick ’em up!’ they just laugh.”
Moaned a mugger while reading a graph,
showing street crime diminished by half:
“Now that all my marks hide
under masks when outside,
if I say ‘stick ’em up!’ they just laugh.”
by by now….
I’m vegan, that can’t be denied,
So I leave the meat to one side.
Though they know this fact
They’re lacking in tact
And say, “You’ll like if you tried.”
I know you don’t think it’s funny
That nothing is better than money.
I heard how you sighed
At the number who’ve died…
Achoo! Damn my nose is runny.
Pick anyone else you can name
For I’m not the one you should blame.
On China’s side
We know that Xi lied
And no doubt he’ll lie again.
I have the most challenging chore;
With chances for failure galore.
And what, you might ask
Is this arduous task?
A trip to the grocery store.
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
“This is heaven and surely I’ve died,”
The Donald rolled over and sighed.
“For Stormy, your glutes
Are like luscious ripe fruits,
And they’re sagging a bit on my bride.”
All the stores being closed isn’t tough,
For my girlfriend still opens her muff.
The job byzantine
Is to keep the couch clean
As all day I hang out in the buff.
My Sherpa was tad bit wide
He waddled trailways side to side
He gave this advice
Which I thought was nice
“The way down the mountain’s to slide!”
Stuck At Home
It’s a challenge to stay home all day
So my “shrink” said that “Now it’s okay
To talk to your plants
Even sing them some chants
If they croon a hymn, call right away”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 444. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Peak.