Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BACK or ABACK at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: March 14, 2020)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BACK or ABACK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TOYS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TOY-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 15, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 14, 2020 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my BACK/ABACK-rhyme limerick:
I’m confused and bewildered, alack,
Cuz I can’t decide which pol to back.
Ousting Trump is a must!
But whom can we trust
To keep Donald’s eviction on track?
And here’s my TOY-themed limerick:
Whenever I hear lots of noise,
I suspect that it’s men and their toys:
A new tool, scooter, car,
Or (Oy Vey!) a GUITAR!
Loud? Annoying? It’s catnip to boys!
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Battle of the Sexes, Car & Driving Humor, Competition Limerick, Donald Trump, Election 2020, Guitars, Husband Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Tools, Toys Humor, Writing Prompts
You can count on it – boys will be boys!
So for quiet wise women have ploys.
Get the latest from Sears,
Add a cooler of beers,
And relax while they look for new toys.
Have you ever been taken aback
By a millionaire locked in a shack?
All I’d ask you is: Please
Don’t look for the keys.
The intern just ain’t required back!
When you next find a toy that’s called trump
Give the strongest of slaps on its rump.
If it decapitates
Do the thing that it hates.
Throw the whole of the toy on the dump.
It’s a courage men normally lack
And the beautician was taken aback
When this hairy arsed sailor
Made her reach for inhaler
When he booked for a ‘wax, sac and crack’!
Now Locust make fun on their track
We must find a clever new hack
Counter oscillate
Poping resonate
Blast the buggers flat on their back
Locust fries, up high in the sky
Men in costume don’t even try
To laser gun fry
The bugs as they fly
President’s don’t do humble pie
Frequencies heal body and mind
With gadgets that humans divined
Kidney stone purging
Star wars emerging
Resonance and man are entwined.
At the siege of the city of Troy
Odysseus created a ploy
But fear a gift from a Greek
Inside, take a peek
That horse, it’s not just a toy
Writing memoirs, your mind does a throwback
Like a scrapbook from long-ago Kodak!
And our cell shots of now
Often pale, somehow, wow!
Next to what you recall when you go back!
There was an old man a real Quack
Who lay all day long on his back
Dreaming solutions
For global pollutions
Starved to death when the sky turned black
Locust knew not he was vegan
So they left him a cow and a pea gun
When he burnt his barn
Shouting darn darn
They looked back, that looks like fun.
Wow, now they are all on the run
I must borrow a ‘star wars’ laser gun
Fry their sorry arse
Get a Nobel farse
And gaze at the man in the sun.
When I’m eager to get in the sack
My wife has a sudden attack
She rehearses her line
Her acting’s divine
And the play is called, “My Aching Back”
In the 50’s I married Sweet Jack
I was scared, cuz I surely did lack
All the skills about nooky
So Mom said, “Listen Cookie
Bite the bullet and lie on your back”
Dog owner? Then you’ll get this!
For Christmas, we gave Wags a stick
He ran and retrieved it real quick
This went on and on
Till our patience was gone
We should’ve bought “Waggie” a brick
At customs, he opened my grip
And gasped as he pulled back the zip
One Rabbit vibrator
(A cock simulator)
Nipple clamps, mask and a whip
My dentist, I think his name’s Mack
Was scraping my teeth at the back
And as I was choking
He kept up the poking
Said “I think you’ll find it’s just plaque”
At the “Sex Toys Soiree” gee, who knew?
That you learn about cool things to do!
The very next room
Smelled a lot like perfume
There was quite a long queue for the loo
A flea and a fly ventured back
To the flue they had fled through a crack
They did not much care
For the cold outside air
Now they’re happy, for those keeping track.
I said, “Mum, get off my back,
Chill out and give me some slack.”
She said, “Just clean your room
Or I’ll use more than a broom
To give your rear a good whack.”
Gender politics, it gets on your wick
With companies not missing a trick
The new dolly for sale
Is neither female or male
But comes with attachable dick
It seemed that she had quite a knack,
On a date to end up on her back.
Guys said she was great,
There was none to equate,
So many, she couldn’t keep track.
The toys of my childhood are gone
My whiffle ball, marbles, crayon
They could not survive
My mother’s strong drive
To make my room fit for a khan
My family shared lots of lovin’
(None of that pushin’ and shovin’)
How I miss my “bro” Fred
Who one day stuck his head
In my piping-hot Easy Bake Oven
There was this pandemic attack
that Trump didn’t want on his back.
While whole world was manic,
White hous said, “Don’t panic.
And don’t forget to invest in–” *Cough* *Hack*
It seems that the older I get,
The further I sink into debt.
That may be ’cause each year
My new toys get more dear…
For example, this cherry-red ‘Vette.
a better version than limerick from today at 10:19 AM
My fam’ly shared lots of true lovin’
There was none of that pushin’ and shovin’
How I miss my “bro” Fred
Who one day stuck his head
In my piping-hot Easy Bake Oven
When you get older, one of the joys
Is to lavish on Toys for Big Boys.
Aston, Ferrari or Roller
All cost quite a dollar
And they make such a beautiful noise.
Our children will always astound
Cuz they’re constantly “goofin” around!
After cleaning up toys
All the girls and the boys
Merely play with some crap they just found
How wondrous to smile and enjoy
A toddler, whose world is a joy
They can play with a box
Or Grandpa’s old socks
Cause anything serves as a toy
Mother N clearly favours her boys,
Which explains how we got the best toys.
That she harbours some guilt
Explains why girls are BUILT!
It’s so we’d let them in on the joys.
Mother N clearly favours her boys,
Which explains how we got the best toys.
That she harbours some guilt
Explains why girls are BUILT!
It’s so we’d let them in on the joys.
To ensure that her favourites would share
Mother N had them programmed to stare.
That her girls might miss out,
On the pleasures, no doubt,
Tells us why they’re delicious when bare.
Variations on the theme … With Van Gogh it was sunflowers, but then he had a one track mind.
Mother N clearly favours her boys,
Which explains how we got the best toys.
That she harbours some guilt
Explains why girls are BUILT!
It’s so we’d let them in on the joys.
To ensure that her favourites would share
Mother N had them programmed to stare.
That her girls might miss out,
On the pleasures, no doubt,
Tells us why they’re delicious when bare.
That Ma N wants her girls to know joys
Is the ‘Why’ behind giving them ploys.
Add in fannies and busts –
So that men will have lusts –
And that men make the very best toys.
Variations on a theme … With Van Gogh it was sunflowers; but then he had a one-track mind.
Mother N clearly favours her boys,
Which explains how we got the best toys.
That she harbours some guilt
Explains why girls are BUILT!
It’s so we’d let them in on the joys.
To ensure that her favourites would share
Mother N had them programmed to stare.
That her girls might miss out,
On the pleasures, no doubt,
Tells us why they’re delicious when bare.
That Ma N wants her girls to know joys
Is the ‘Why’ behind giving them ploys.
Add in fannies and busts –
So that men will have lusts –
And that men make the very best toys.
Who can doubt that Ma’s number one toy,
Was bestowed on her favourite, the boy.
And, once given, alack,
Was beyond taking back,
Which, for girls, does not cease to annoy.
Continuing with the theme …
P’raps it’s true, that a mother knows best;
Might explain shapely buttock and breast.
Let’s be fair, men aren’t bright;
They’re arrested on sight
Of the obvious and/or the blessed.
His head and his spine out of whack,
Stretched flat on the road on his back;
He ran out of luck,
Run down by a truck,
And all he remembered was MACK.
Said the man, so gigantic and black,
To the boy, first taken aback:
“I’m happy to play
In the great NBA–
What’s your name? My friends call me Shaq.”
rhyming error: from today at 12:29 PM try again
A toddler is not at all coy
And a pleasure to smile and enjoy:
They will play with a box
Or Grandpa’s old socks
Cause anything serves as a toy
Mad: above limerick: Line 2: Could you change”And a pleasure to smile and enjoy” to We watch them with pleasure and joy
Thank you,
Lisi
When impertinent questions arose
on the length of Pinocchio’s nose,
he exclaimed, “It’s a good ‘un!
But I’ve something more wooden,
tucked away in my cute lederhose.”
Fred Astaire wanted to sing this version of “Cheek To Cheek”
But the director would not let him. Here is his version from the movie, “Top Hat”
“Oh, I’d love to get rid of my plaque
And financially be in the black
I can’t stand her breath
Used to puke me to death
And that’s why we dance back to back”
Bidin’ His Time?
Joe, the turtle, asleep on his back,
awoke when he heard a sharp crack.
A big man with a whip,
giving turtle a flip,
snapped, “Now stay on the clear inside track!”
“I have found myself taken aback
When my manhood comes under attack.
Most pernicious of jibes
Is that, when I imbibes,
I’m as limp as a glove in the sack.”
He kept his composure and poise,
When his colon blew out a great noise;
The women choked: “Hell!
We can’t stand the smell–
Does he think we’re just some of his toys?”
Wife and I threw our spines out of whack.
It was painful; we’re taken aback.
We both saw the same doc.
This should not be a shock:
Our appointments were made back to back.
Our Bond Was Stocks ~
Alas, I am taken aback
because it’s a lass that I lack!
When I set her free
she returned—not to me—
with my smack and my stock from Nasdaq.
Life’s a Ploy ~
A birthday’s a time of great joy
For every good girl and boy,
But as we get older
And joints get much colder
We feel like a kid’s broken toy.
When he heard that a gal in a shack
Did her job lying flat on her back,
He guffawed like a schmuck.
(She was fixing a truck.)
He’s a jerk with a mind that’s one-track.
I’ve just bought myself a new toy
What pleasure it brings me, oh boy
There’s no need for a man
With my rabbit I can
Please myself, an absolute joy
After both of the kids were asleep,
Buzz Lightyear would quietly creep
into Mom’s private room
for a quick va-va-voom!
(Did he tire of little Bo Peep?)
Mr. Cro-Magnon man was a jock
He would zoom round and round the same block
And one day, while running
He found the most stunning
Original un-cut Pet Rock
“I’ll give you the toy after lunch”
Said my Dad (but I’ve got a good hunch)
Prob’ly a tether ball set
To be ready to get
An unpleasant and hard sucker punch
A Gigolo; Johnny or Jack
Took my money and won’t give it back
I explained I was high
And most surely a guy
But he just gave my buttocks a smack
Said the cannibal holding a sack
“Here’s a hussy to cook as a snack”
But her lumbar tattoo
Would just ruin the stew
So I doubt they’ll be having her back
Carry scissors competing in track
Eating eggs helps to build up your plaque
Have a meal then a swim
Pick up guys at the gym
And remember to lift with your back
A woman, exceedingly rich,
Had developed a sexual itch.
So she chose as a toy
A young fellow named Roy.
How I envy that son of a bitch!
Do not run a 15 mile track
It could lead to a nervous attack
Though you might win first prize
It still is unwise
Cuz your iPhone may never come back
To that restaurant, I won’t go back!
Cause I’m having a nervous attack!
I’ve been scratching all day
It just doesn’t pay
To eat at the “Seaside Crab Shack”
I sensed that the twins weren’t fine
Jill was crying, (a very bad sign)
Jack had all the toys
Jill made all the noise
Cuz Jack learned a brand new word: “MINE”
I’m organized each time I pack
All my things in my Ralph Lauren sack
But I left home one earring
So we then starting veering
Over ten thousand miles to get back
I forced John to give the ducks back
Even though he might have an attack
Then I called 911
So he just couldn’t run
(He was strongly addicted to quack)
My Daddy could not get a job
And that made me snivel and sob
So at “Not So Great Toys
For Poor Girls And Boys”
I got “Etch-a-Sketch Only One Knob”
A pilot was taken aback
By a sudden, fierce counterattack.
He approached with great care
On a wing and a prayer —
And got slapped in the face by a WAC.
There once was a gal with a knack.
For laying all day on her back.
I know it is cheesy.
To say she is easy.
But even God couldn’t keep her on track.
There once was a gal with a knack.
For laying all day on her back.
I know it sounds cheesy.
To say she is easy.
But even God could not keep her on track.
The blow-up dolls sat in a row,
their lips, eyes, and flesh all aglow.
One declared, “I’m updated,
plus voice-activated.
My name’s Dolly — now come say Hello!”
Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.
Some toys are just simply bizarre
It seems we have come very far
No more “Easy Bake Oven”
The kids are now lovin’
The popular “Tipsy Play Bar”
MY BACK PAGES
Sparkling! Uplifting! Joy-packed!
A spiritual energy snack!
With the world on the ropes
I can always find hope
On the cover of a paperback.
BACK TO THE FUTURE
I can’t help be taken aback
By the depressing political fact
That the Democratic voice
Comes down to a choice
Of befuddlement V. heart attack.
When I was kind of young.
A girl, she slipped me some tongue.
I thought, Whoa boy!
More fun than a toy.
It felt great for my bells to be rung.
PLAYTHINGS
I was once satisfied with a top,
Or a wind-up chick that would hop.
But I’ve dumped cheapo joys–
Now I get all my toys
From a swanky yoga shop.
She called him a liberal hack;
“You Trump-loving shill” he shot back.
They’re at it again;
Always happening when
The Conways are hitting the sack.
To nurture nostalgia’s a knack,
so when forward looks bleak, I look back–
when my neck had no wattle;
I played spin-the-bottle;
and we bebopped to “Yakety Yak.”
As much as I hate to be crass,
I have to come clean, doc. Alas,
I got carried away.
With some intimate play.
Now a butt plug has lodged up my ass.
Thanks to Donald, who lies through his back
Teeth, dumb voters are on the wrong track.
“It’s no worse than a cold,
Like the President told
Us, so how come this panic attack?”
Merchandising’s a ploy
Aimed at every young girl and boy
For them to plead
For toys they don’t need
And don’t cherish and really enjoy.
Alternate last line: Creating clutter that will really annoy.
a mistake at the toy factory
“Betsy Wetsy”, a doll for Marie
Would have filled her with absolute glee
But Marie’s room just stunk
(Put her in a blue funk)
Cause Betsy, UH-OH! didn’t pee
A Saint Paddy’s Day mistake at the toy factory
The “Cabbage Patch Doll” Oh Good Grief!
Was opened with great disbelief!
Our house smelled like food
(Put us in a good mood)
Cause the doll came with well-done corned beef
I gave her a wee bit of flack
For taking my senses aback.
I said, “Come my dear.
You must mind your rear,
And wipe from the front of that crack.”
The magician hurt his back
By putting the rabbit back in the sack
The rabbit was quick
Then messed up the trick
Ends up, cooked meat stuffed in a pack
A nightstand containing the toys
Was making a baffling noise.
The previous night
As a drunken delight,
She reached in to fondle her “boys”.
Her lips are so supple and red;
They seem to say “Take me to bed”.
Then down on her back,
She proffers a crack
That gives her the blow job instead.
Hmm, I don’t know what happened to line 2 above. Let’s try this again:
There once was a gal from St. Croix
Who purchased a self-pleasing toix.
She was on quite a ride
Till the batteries died
Thereby bringing an end to her joix.
Donald Trump has just found a new toy;
It’s called “Science”, and this is his ploy:
“I’m savin’ the nation
Through virus mutation –
They’ll only kill Dems! Attaboy!”
A Doll For Grownups
“Hey Mom, what the heck’s a divisor?”
“It’s simple! Ask “Dolly Be Wiser”
Also adds and subtracts
Gives kids budgeting facts
And it’s Trump’s Economic Adviser”
Warning: reading this while eating may cause lack of appetite, nausea, weakness, hunger pangs, stress and ultimately, starvation. (sorry!)
The USA”s prez, yes, the head
Grabbed the crotch of a girl, but instead
Of being taken aback,
She just planted a whack
To his little wee sack till it bled.
His manhood would hang by a tether
And the doctors had no idea whether
They could put it all back
Or give up and unpack
Trumpty Dumpty’s li’l sack altogether.
While Trump was stuck flat on his back,
The doc told him what he will lack:
“With your surgical tunic,
We’ll send you to Munich
Where you’ll be a eunuch, you quack!”
He should find long-lost relatives there
It shouldn’t be hard ’cause that’s where
They’re inbred, the whole pack
(No, I won’t take it back
It’s free speech, yak yak yak, I don’t care).
This tale where his jewels are wrecked
Has a nice therapeutic effect
It’ll put things on track
To bring dignity back
To the gals who once lacked self-respect.
If you’re poor and your children are boys
When they can’t have some fun, they make noise.
So without acting chilly,
Say, “Play with your willy;
You don’t need some silly old toys.”
Her ex beat her up, blue and black
But her brothers would soon pay him back.
On a railroad they’d heap
(And tie up) this dumb creep.
You could say they did keep him on track.
Jack and Jill up the hill in a shack
Had woke up from a thump and a whack.
Well, they started to shake,
Palms would sweat, heads would ache
Saw a bear and were taken aback!
So Jack shot it and brought out the grill
And the cooking was left up to Jill.
When all done, she came back
Jack said, “What a nice rack!
I’ll have those for a snack with some swill!”
(true story)
As a kid, there were toys that I wanted
I’d just dole out the charm, quite undaunted
But not ALL my wild schemes
Brought results, so it seems
That they’d enter my dreams, kept me haunted.
There was Etch-a-Sketch, Easy Bake Oven
And Viewmaster – pictures for shovin’,
Silly Putty, Kerplunk!
Slinky, Nerf Balls (good junk!)
And a Ken doll (my Barbie needs lovin’).
There were Hot Wheels, xylophones too
And Mr. Potato Head (ooh!)
Though I said, “I’ll behave!
And I’ll work like a slave!”
None of THESE toys they gave me, boohoo!
But I’m grateful for ones I did get:
Paint-by-Number, a Spirograph set.
Cards and board games I’d play
With my Barbies all day
But my Lego display was my pet.
When my kids came along, you can bet
They got toys that I never would get.
We’d be playing, we three
And I’d giggle with glee
Second childhood for me, not done yet!
Chiropractors will check out your back
Just to see if your spine’s out of whack.
They’re bent over and bowed
Then your torso gets plowed
Till the room echoes loud with a crack!
Feeling weird today. Sorry!
A bimbo who wanted a “rack”
Found out that her doc was a quack
When she woke from her op
And discovered her top
Had voluptuous breasts in the back.
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Mosquitoes arrive in a pack;
Deciding on where to attack.
One says to the others:
“If I had my druthers,
We’d all be takin’ a back.”
The waiter came with a beer bottle
He sneezed on it, spreading his snottle.
“That’s just gross! Take it back!”
“It’s Corona, though, Mac”
“Get new beer or get whacked with a throttle!”
I’ve got a bad pain in my back!
My whole body feels out of whack!
Thanksgiving had ended
And it sure wasn’t splendid
To shop when that Friday was Black!
Ev’ry single time I run the track
I see friends, like Christina and Jack
Also Billy and Mo
And Johnny and Joe
PARAMEDICS! Hey pals! Welcome back!
I was totally taken aback
By my dentist’s professional knack!
I went out on a limb
And bestowed unto him
A genuine gold “Dental Plaque”
I’ve got a real bad malformation
I need surg’ry and good medication
I shall use Dr. Wills
What professional skills!
He learned from the game “Operation”
“From the hall I shout, “Honey! I’m back.”
I hear screaming – she’s under attack!
As I burst through the door,
She’s laid flat on the floor,
Entertaining a plumber, called Zach.”
One of the world’s greatest joys
That excited the girls and the boys
Was building cool cars
They felt just like stars
As they Tinkered and Tinkered with toys
I did not want to be “sexist” but as I remember, it was mostly boys who played with these. Thus:
One of the world’s greatest joys
That mostly excited the boys
Was building cool cars
They felt just like stars
As they Tinkered and Tinkered with Toys
Syllable Error!! (sorry)
Surely, one of the world’s greatest joys
That mostly excited the boys
Was building cool cars
They felt just like stars
As they Tinkered and Tinkered with Toys
When I offered my girl-friend a “snack”,
She was visibly taken aback.
“A blowjob? You sinner,
I’ve just had my dinner –
But later, perhaps, in the sack …”
Said God to His Son, “Well, my boy,
I’ve made something I think you’ll enjoy.
Here’s a planet; the trick
Is to give it a flick –
It’s a spinning-top! Wonderful toy!”
I started to strip her with glee,
But I knew she was toying with me
When the object I felt
Was a chastity-belt,
And she claimed she’d forgotten the key.
For the rich, there are tax-cuts galore,
But if you are old, sick or poor,
Donald Trump, lying gut-sack,
Now plans a new cutback
On Medicare, food-stamps, and more.
Thoughts after a news conference by our “Very Stable Genius” in the White House.
We’ve begun a concerted attack.
That virus must be beaten back.
But to Tr*mp, losing face
Is a greater disgrace.
“The buck stops somewhere else,” says that hack.
Pandemic defenses we lack
‘Cause the office was shut two years back.
“Responsible, me?
There’s no way than can be.
That question is nasty, you flack!”
The vet said the tail at the back,
Will wag when you give it a smack,
It’s teeth are real sharp,
And it’s got a queer bark,
I think Iv’e been sold a macaque!
Toy Boy.
Last night, as I cried on my pillow,
So sad, like a lone weeping willow,
An angel appeared,
He winked and he leered;
“Your prayers weren’t in vain, here’s a dildo!”
The Pandemic we’re currently braving
has required new ways of behaving–
do not greet with a smack,
if you’re breathing, stand back,
and trade foreplay for long-distance waving.
Just after my frontal lobotomy,
The doc said he’d do a proctotomy,
I cried, “I’m not coy,
I ain’t your toy boy,
Pray, what are you doing on toppa me?!”
Apologies for typo 8.08 p.m. – line 3.
Its (not it’s)
I went to New York for the crack,
But it wasn’t good shit in the pack,
I snorted, cavorted,
And puked, then I forted,
I’m ashamed and too posh to go back!
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 440. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Fair.