UPDATE: NEW SUBMISSION DEADLINE – December 7, 2019 – Due to Illness. Sorry! Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: POOL at the end of any one line
UPDATE: NEW SUBMISSION DEADLINE — December 7, 2019 — Due to Illness. Sorry!
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using POOL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write PRESS-themed limericks using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Press-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 8, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your updated submission deadline is Saturday, December 7, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my POOL-rhyme limerick:
I would rather not swim in a pool,
Or anywhere else, as a rule.
My strokes are so weak,
I’d be left up shit creek;
In hot water sans paddling tool.
And here’s my PRESS-themed limerick:
A woman who craved reinvention,
Was desp’rate for media mention.
She tried singing and dancing
And press-guy-romancing.
But the upshot was penal detention.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Media Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Pool Humor, Press Humor, Prison Humor, Swimming, Swimming Humor, Writing Prompts
Joe Biden is watching his manners.
With press corps he quips and he banters.
Many questions he’s asked
About hugs in the past,
So lately he’s groping for answers.
Said Donald, “My genetic pool
Is the reason I’m built like a mule.
Though it’s twelve inches long,
My gargantuan schlong
Is a thing I don’t use as a rule.”
While swimming at night in the pool,
I encountered a huge floating stool.
Well, I gave it a poke,
And the horrid thing spoke:
“Get your hands of the POTUS, you fool!”
“Them reporters”, said Trump with a frown
“Are the worst bunch of traitors in town.
They call ’em a “pool”?
Well, let each lying fool
Take a dive in the deep end and drown.”
The president likes to be in a pool
Where he tries to avoid leaving stool.
So each time that he jumps
There may be several trumps
Which of course will break too many rules!
A fellow, obsessed shooting pool,
Ended up doing something uncool.
He’s now known as the man
Who was late to the can.
Mind your pees and your cues ― that’s the rule!
For the PRESS theme: This is based on a True story that happened in Sedgefield, the small South African town in which I live. Sydney Press won a court case against our president to prevent a nearby sand dune, within sight of his home, being developed.
In our town we had Sydney Press
Who prevented a president’s mess.
He took him to court
And the dune plan fell short.
It’s skyscraper-less which we bless.
I always watch Fox, cause I know
There is something to learn on each show
And some of those guys
Are so brainy and wise
Just like Larry, and Curly, and Moe
“Press Jargon”
The “press” can be very misleading
Even when they are truly “impeding”
They will use this strange phrase
To express clear-cut ways:
“And now we are quickly proceeding”
Here’s something that’s very distressing:
Just WHAT is the press now expressing?
As the public awaits
And the Speaker then states:
“This problem we now are addressing”
I used to be quite good at pool
Thought I was pretty darn cool
I then played a “Felson”
Who said to me “Well, son,
I think I just took you to school.”
Felt pressured to join the office pool.
Told not taking part just wasn’t cool.
But it wasn’t funny,
I lost all my money
To an undeserving, lucky fool.
I guess I’m not with it, just not cool,
I don’t see the fun of playing pool.
With the tip of a long pole,
You hit a ball in a hole.
Miss a lot, you’re up for ridicule.
Grabbed her boobs with his hands, firmly pressed.
Soon after, he was under arrest.
Said no, he wasn’t mental,
Was being presidential,
He declared with a wink, and confessed.
Today I learned something in school
Which sounded just so very cruel:
“Even though I look like
My great grampa Mike
No lifeguards are in the gene pool”
She was naked outside by the pool.
He approached faking credible cool.
She glanced up looking bored.
He was quickly ignored,
Leaving him all alone with his drool.
Team Trump as a general rule
will always go after the stool
pigeon for game
till they get a name
to put right into a deadpool.
My Granny can be such a drag
Ev’ry day she salutes her “dear flag”
Won’t read “Washington Post”
And she even will boast
That it’s “one real goddamn commie rag”
All journalists must be selective
For the purpose of being effective
They never should muse
About all the world’s news
And thus, they can be real objective
DNC Convention Blues
There’s got to be some kind of rule
Before they show up for the duel
While each may be strong
Most will hear the gong
How many can fit in this pool?
Some strong candidates in the pool
Well I think a change would be cool
So, polish your plan
Yes, win it, you can
And, pray, keep your eyes on the jewel
We have to give thanks to the press
In spite of our current distress
The suspect says “No,”
“There’s no quid pro quo”
Yet press induced him to confess
A crook for a prez is not cool
And just don’t take me for no fool
But make a selection
Before the election
Now, everyone out of the pool!
When a drunken young peer at a ball
Ate the hostess’s wig, pins and all,
His bowels soon failed him–
A servant girl hailed him:
“No tress passing, Sir, in the hall.”
Correction from Nov 11 1:29 PM
All journalists must be selective
For the purpose of being effective
They should never know much
And should keep out-of -touch
And thus, they can be real objective
We are going to “Hotel La Cool”
It’s so fancy, it makes people drool
They provide twice the fun
You’ll just never be done
With the pool table right in the pool
How much fuss can one POTUS make
When he tweets at all times he’s awake?
The press tells his lies,
as he tweets line by line,
Yet he loudly declares the news fake!
A Celebrity’s Soliloquy
I’m fed up with all of the media
Tell me, who is their source? Wikipedia?
Each dumb, inane query
Is really quite eerie
Of all forms of life, none are seedier.
When I speak, they’ll find something to bash
Every action – a camera flash
Those despicable turds
Will twist all my words
And they even will dig through my trash.
Though the media’s causing me stress
It’s expressly taboo to express
With the spraying of mace
Or a punch to the face
They’re a bloody disgrace. Beat the press!
I once knew a fellow named Jim
Who stripped down to go for a swim
In the cold of December
(Which he didn’t remember)
So we yelled out a warning to him
But he was a solo disrober
(Which he wouldn’t have done were he sober)
Then he ran, like a fool
And dove into the pool
Which we, sadly, had drained in October.
With the head of a trump playing fool
I enjoy a game of pocket pool
But to my dismay
That skull did not sway
But said something bout breaking of rule.
Press Release
With some headlines, I’m not very thrilled
When some journalists aren’t real skilled
Last week’s paper proclaimed
That an actress was framed
And was “breathing before she was killed”
That billiard team’s really a gem.
Their confidence likely does stem
From the efforts they pool.
It is really quite cool.
You certainly can bank on them.
The news on T.V. is deploring
With just “tidbits” it sure isn’t scoring
But the newspaper’s better
It’s down to the letter
And ensures the whole story is boring
a minor correction (L5)
The news on T.V. is deploring
With just “tidbits” it sure isn’t scoring
But the newspaper’s better
It’s down to the letter
And ensures us the story is boring
Mad: I had “syllable” trouble with the 2 above limericks
Could you please change the last line to: And renders the whole story boring
and delete either one of them
Thank You, Lisi
acrostic
M ost people watch “press” on T.V.
E xpectably waiting to see
D ebates about news
I n depth theories and views
A nd instead see the Prez on a spree
With his toes in the Walking Dead pool,
The Zombie thinks life is so cool;
“I’ve got all I want
To frighten and haunt,
And my love is a beautiful ghoul.”
Veteran’s Day: The Press Thanks You !!
“We would like to thank ev-er-y chap
And give each one a very loud clap
Those of all creeds and races
In far away places
We just cannot find on the map”
(OR)
To our servicemen overseas: Thank you from the press
on Veteran’s Day !!
All servicemen merit big claps !!
And we’d sure like to thank all the chaps
Of all creeds and races
In far away places
We can’t find on any damn maps
My Computer Needs Repairs
The “space bar” I press and I press
But I simply do not have success
Cuz I’m still here on Earth
With no pleasure or mirth
And my life is just really a mess
No Pressing!
My “computer date” seemed very nice
‘Til I noticed he tried to “entice”
Cuz he wanted to f**k
I said, “Don’t press your luck;
A kiss on the cheek will suffice”
At my health club, they’ve posted a rule:
“Please don’t drool, spit, or pee in the pool.”
Yet, it seems there’s no stopping
Some members from plopping
Down huge putrid hunks of brown stool!
Reporters today—so despised
By our POTUS—should not be surprised
If some MAGA fan, packing
A gun, starts attacking.
Alertness is strongly advised.
Technically, it’s self-defence, or so I would argue.
Paparazzo got right in my face;
I ran off but the a*%hole gave chase.
When I threatened, he laughed;
When I begged, photographed;
I thought, “Sod it!” and drowned him in mace.
Some people say “Most of the press
Simply cause us gratuitous stress
Cuz they claim Trump’s a cheat
And just full of deceit”
(But in fact, it is true, nonetheless)
Second Verse
Some people are mad at the press
Cuz it claims that Fox News “lacks finesse”
And gives false information
With no real foundation
(But in fact, it is true, nonetheless)
It’s my duty to pee in the pool
Cuz I learned many truths back in school:
You Must Never Lie
Do Your Best; Always Try
And Follow The Grand Golden Rule
End Scans better.
Paparazzo got right in my face;
I ran off but the a*%hole gave chase.
When I threatened, he laughed;
When I begged, photographed;
Option three was to drown him in mace.
Press Secretaries Through The Decades
“Our Nation is rich with prosperity
The future is bright for posterity
All our problems are gone
We can fine’ly move on
And I’m known for my phony sincerity”
Press Secretaries Through The Decades: Part 2
“You know that we’re never misleading
Our government’s fine’ly succeeding
And so I shall say
In a real unclear way:
“And now we are quickly proceeding”
The Eternal Speech: Every Press Secretary
“You know that we’re never misleading
Our government’s fine’ly succeeding
And so I shall say
In a real unclear way:
“And now we are quickly proceeding”
The Ultimate Clear-Cut Solution Spoken By Every Press Secretary
“You’ll never hear news that’s distressing
Relax, there is no need for guessing
You can fine’ly unwind
Get back peace of mind
Cuz the problem we now are addressing”
The detritus afloat in your pool –
The dead bodies, used condoms – a stool –
Takes the shine off your splash
When a mouthful of trash
Undermines the attempt to look cool.
Sean Spicer, Sarah H. Huckabee, Stephanie Grisham, and whoever is the next flavor of the month insisting on changing line 5 will now speak:
“You’ll never hear news that’s distressing
Relax, there is no need for guessing
You can fine’ly unwind
Get back peace of mind”
We don’t care if the problem is “pressing”
alternate ending: Who cares if the problem is “pressing?”
It’s a fact that the press always skews
Their reporting on non-mainstream views.
They’re so lousy at that
They misquoted my cat.
‘Twas a typical case of fake mews.
When seeking a use for your pool
Here’s and idea that is very cool
Fill up to the edges
With veggies and hedges
And if Leaks become Leeks you’re no fool
Inspired by Joe Potter who is now “Pottering” in his Heavenly garden.
Trick shot specialist, Emerson Pool
By agreement, was nobody’s fool.
With one stroke of his cue
He could sink a canoe
Which, you have to admit, is quite cool.
Fixing a rhyming error from Nov. 10 at 10:44 AM
Today I learned something in school
Which I found to be very uncool
Even though I look like
My great grandpa Mike
No lifeguards are in the gene pool
He soon learned she was still in High School!
Way to young for their fun by the pool.
So he left with great speed,
To attend to his need,
All alone with himself and his tool.
Then he thought, “Well, on further reflection,
There’s really no risk of detection.”
He returned to the pool,
Where he brandished his tool,
But she laughed: “What a tiny erection!”
Michael Phelps jumped in a pool
Where the water was shockingly cool
Which led to his sniveling
And sudden shriveling
Of Michael’s Olympian tool.
Despicable Donald will press
His buttons to spark a huge mess.
Then chaos and fear
When the fallout is clear;
Our nation stays under duress.
But now there appears to be light;
With patriots joining the fight.
Impeachment’s begun
Like a bright morning sun
Removing the darkness of night.
Not knowing he’d look like a fool,
Ted brandished his chest at the pool.
With man-boobs the sin
From the shape he was in,
He broke their “No Toplessness” rule.
Here’s one for the Entente Cordial and The Special Relationship …
You American chappies have pool,
Whilst the Frenchman at leisure plays boules.
These are games for upstarts:
Billiards, snooker and darts
Are the games you should play to look cool.
At the risk of inciting a riot …
You American chappies have pool,
Whilst the Frenchman at leisure plays boules.
These are games for upstarts!
Billiards, snooker and darts
Are the games you should play to look cool.
The press said that Trump wants the nation
To know he shall take a vacation
In his very brief speech he
Said, “I feel really peachy”
And that was the sole information
Fixing line four of above limerick:
The press said that Trump wants the nation
To know he will take a vacation
In his very brief speech he
Said, “I feel real “peachy”
And that was the sole information
Putin’s minions decided to pool
Their ideas: which Prez could they rule?
They agreed upon Trump
‘Cause he’s dumb as a stump.
Want subversion? Just use the right tool.
Before they would head to the pool,
His wife had established a rule.
“I know you will spy
Every girl walking by;
No sighing and try not to drool.”
Tomorrow, today’s headline it’s said,
Is yesterday’s news; and instead
Another juicy story
Grabs front page glory
Just don’t always believe what you’ve read
A media outlet named Fox
Has viewers aligned in a box.
As daily it spews
Authentic fake news
For those with a head full of rocks.
Oh boy did he feel such a fool
When he lost his trunks in the pool
With nowhere to hide
He swallowed his pride,
Emerged clutching his tiny tool.
Thanks to Dave J for inspiring this one.
It is best when at rest by the pool,
To lie prone, thereby hiding your tool.
With your chap safely housed,
Should your ardour be ‘roused,
There’ll be no telling tales out of school.
Sorry, can’t be doing with aberrant apostrophes.
It is best when at rest by the pool,
To lie prone, thereby hiding your tool.
With your chap safely housed,
Should your ardour be roused,
There’ll be no telling tales out of school.
It is best when at rest by the pool,
To lie prone, thereby trapping your tool.
With your manhood safe housed,
Should your ardour be roused,
There’ll be no telling tales out of school.
Andrew’s got himself in a right mess
He thought that by talking to the press
He’d allay all doubts
But the truth will out
Why won’t he just come clean and confess.
They write for the Times and the Post;
In detail that’s stronger than most.
Here’s hoping one day
Their headlines will say:
“IT’S OVER -THIS P.O.T.U.S. IS TOAST!”
With newspapers shrinking in size,
To read them, one must improvise.
The light should be bright
As you hold it up tight;
Binoculars hiding your eyes.
“Are they really as bad as we say?
Don’t they bring us the truth every day?
Lawyers, surely, are worse,
Politicians? Perverse;
But the Press won’t mislead us – no way!”
“Are they really as bad as we say?
Don’t they bring us the truth every day?
Lawyers, surely, are worse,
Politicians? Perverse;
But the Press won’t mislead us – will they?”
Narcissus would hotly refuse
every fact that disputed his views;
when his mirror-like pool
showed a puffed-up old fool,
he bellowed in anger, “Fake news!”
Pop tried baking, but had no success
Which caused him much terrible stress
He tried making money
It sure wasn’t funny
The dough was just too hard to press
A swinger’s resort – at the pool,
Some newbies, like fish in a school.
While mostly submerged,
Inhibitions were purged;
Their coming together was cool.
There’s a wrongness about the word “pool”
Cuz it starts with a “p” (so uncool)
That one letter is weak
It just makes people leak
My proposal’s to change it to “ool”
another version
There’s a wrongness about the word “pool”
Cuz it starts with a “p” (so uncool)
That one letter is weak
It just makes people leak
So now, let’s all jump in the ool
On reflection …
“Are they really as bad as you say?
Don’t they bring us the truth every day?
Lawyers, surely, are worse,
Politicians? Perverse!
But the Press? Lying bastards? No way!”
Upon further reflection …
“Nope! I cannot accept what you say.
They deliver the truth every day.
Politicians? Perverse!
And the lawyers? Far worse:
But the Press don’t mislead us – do they?”
MP is UK equivalent to Congressman/woman/person.
When accosted by men of the press,
Always give them your MP’s address.
He is schooled in their ways
And he rarely displays
A reluctance to speak or distress.
The press keeps fanning the fire,
To create in you some desire,
So in a moment quite rash
You spend lots of cash
And the Ad man’s income goes higher.
Latest news from the press
And it’s something you wouldn’t guess
President Trump said today
He intends doing away
With all weapons used to oppress.
Update on his last tweet
Sent by an Aide who has left feet.
He had intended to say,
“We’ll join in the affray
With weapons that repress and defeat”.
The tweeting Aide has been fired.
Deep in treasonous acts he was mired.
He’d been changing my text,
Which left me quite vexed…
With the Dems he must have conspired.
It said in the press today
One contender is Gay.
In pushing shit up The Hill
We’ll see if he will
Manage to go all the way.
Australians for you?
The boss said, “Henry you’re late!
You start seven. It’s nearly eight.
Either follow the rule
Or join the job pool”
Hal said, “Bloody Fair Dinkum, Mate.”
Part of the problems we have today,
And no, they wouldn’t say,
Is the press running ads
For misguided fads…
“But how else can we make our way?”
he law states quite plainly that you’ll
Build a fence if you build a pool.
To allow kids to drown
Would cause quite a frown
Notwithstanding it’s also quite cruel.
By not having kids, you’ll
Remove your genes from the pool.
Then in the mix,
Your genes will be nix,
Are you a Saint or a fool?
The New York Post
I subscribe to the great New York Post
Cuz it’s great as a plate for my toast
For freeze wrapping fish
It will answer your wish
And for chicken or steaks, it’s “the most”
Most newspapers state lots of views
Do not worry ’bout which one you choose
Just read them all through
But it’s vital that you
Don’t confuse them with actual news
Rupert Murdoch so violently cursed
(So injured, he thought he would burst)
On the swing he held tight
But it slid to the right
On the wood chips he then fell head first
better !!
Rupert Murdoch so violently cursed
(So injured, he thought he would burst)
His swing he held tight
But it slid to the right
On the wood chips, he then fell head first
UPDATE: NEW SUBMISSION DEADLINE — December 7, 2019 — Due to Illness. Sorry!
Were I with the press, I’d be cool
With tossing some cash in a pool:
As impeachment goes on
With Trump’s self-control gone,
On what date will he fully unspool?
A notion she thought would be cool:
Nude yoga class out by the pool.
And now we know why
Six drones in the sky
Were buzzing like nobody’s fool.
There were ice chunks in a pool
This poor man shuffled like a fool
When he jumped in and sank
His skin turned light pink
Everyone thought he was just playing cool
The newsman was press for time
Wild stories stuck in his mind
He typed them up fast
Fell right on his ass
His stories created a shrine
It’s not nice, but I have to confess
Last night’s date caused me terrible stress
Ev’rybody was yelling
(My blood pressure swelling)
At the boxing match: “Trump vs Press”
A Front Door Note
“The doorbell is broken; don’t press!
We can’t fix it, (oh boy, what a mess)
So please yell “Ding Dong”
It won’t take us long
Do not leave; you have found our address”
Reporters who make up the pool
At the White House were having a duel.
With the questions they’d shout
At the pig-headed lout,
Whose query would make him unspool?
The printing press, A.K.A. “Sham”
Made of the workmen cry “DAMN!”
The reason is plain
It started the reign
Of the powerful “King Paper Jam”
Oops! I meant to say (line 2 and line 4 are wrong; try again)
The printing press, A.K.A. “Sham”
Made the factory workers cry “DAMN”
The reason is plain
‘Twas the start of the reign
Of the powerful “King Paper Jam”
Hi Mad – in my posting above, please change the first word in line 5
to “Whose”.
Thanks, Dave J
*****
Done.
It’s important to know that the press
Will always undoubtedly stress
Significant news
Well-informed views
And all of that other B.S.
a minor change
It’s important to know that the press
Will always undoubtedly stress
Significant news
In-depth points of views
And all of that other B.S.
The daring young babes at the pool
Love sporting their suits miniscule.
Naughty boys look alive
When those girls take a dive
Cuz their suits will fall off as a rule.
One denuded nymph played the fool.
“Oh Mercy!” she cried, “Don’t be cruel.”
To no one’s surprise
She caused quite a rise
In the tools of the fools in the pool.
For marital bliss I would strive
But frankly, we couldn’t survive
As an anchor of news
We just had diff’rent views
(And more of that story at five)
“There are rules to observe at the pool,
Etiquette, so to speak, so be cool.
They’re apt to get sniffy
On sighting a stiffy –
Which is only outdone by a stool.”
Sorry, I’m always doing this.
“There are rules to observe at the pool,
Etiquette, so to speak, so be cool.
They’re apt to get sniffy
On sighting a stiffy –
Which is only outranked by a stool.”
“When you’re planning a day by the pool
Keep a very sharp eye on your tool.
At all times, nonchalance;
Show the slightest response
And you’re out on your ear – so uncool!”
We were playing a fun game of pool
While discussing why Trump is “no fool”
When debates he starts losing
He then begins using
“Opponent Plan B Scandal Tool”
“Unashamed and afloat in the pool
Was an object, in shape, like a boule.
Someone shouted, “A turd!”
Then a Frenchman said, “Merde!”
I look shocked and amazed, as a rule.”
Sorry. I realised the tense was wrong.
“Unashamed and afloat in the pool
Is an object, in shape, like a boule.
Someone’s shouting, “A turd!”
Then a Frenchman says, “Merde!”
I look shocked and amazed, as a rule.”
What you crave, you become that thing’s slave,
Like attention; it kills and won’t save.
The media’s big
It’s recording the pig
As we’re watching him dig his own grave.
I couldn’t believe what I’d heard
That “impeachment” is such a sweet word.
The press will not hush
Till they turn him to mush
Better yet, till they flush down the turd.
The lifeguard detected a stool
And yelled, “Ev’ryone out of the pool!”
A small kid showed no fright
As he took a big bite
And said, “Chocolate! All right! This is cool!”
If you separate cess from the pool,
Use a toilet to flush ‘way the stool.
Send the turds off to hell
And soon all will be well.
Clean the White House; expel ev’ry fool!
As a kid, I would always skip school
And I’d break ev’ry pedagogue’s rule.
Playing billiards begun
To get boring, no fun
‘Cause I’d beat ev’ryone playing pool!
The apprentice was building a pool
But he made it from wood, the darn fool!
So the boss left a scar
On his head with a bar
He had broken the carpenter’s rule.
Paparazzi, reporters, the press
Like to find famous folk who transgress.
Now isn’t it funny
That even hush money
Can’t sweeten (like honey) their mess!
“Don’t jump in” – keep repeatin’ that rule,
When they’re chemically treatin’ the pool.
Well, in jumped a cretin
Who soon started bleatin’
The chlorine had eaten his tool.
We bought a new house near the school
My “hubby” and I think it’s cool
The roof’s always leaking
(Just what we’ve been seeking)
A lovely indoor swimming pool
Political humor’s expected
When a word such as “press” is selected
These jokes are all clean
But sadly, I’ve seen
Too many of them get elected
Mr. Gutenberg never could guess
What some people would print with his press:
Gossip, lies, and abuse.
For such stuff there’s one use:
In a birdcage, to clean up the mess.
Oops! L2 today at 10:29 AM
Political humor’s expected
When “press” is the word that’s selected
These jokes are all clean
But, sadly I’ve seen
Too many of them get elected
If you’re planning a day by the pool
Do, please, keep a tight rein on your tool.
Should your manhood inflate
There will be no debate;
You’ll be subject to censure most cruel.
Some people think Dad is a fool
Cause he constantly likes to feel cool
He frequents “Mc Corkle’s”
(A place to buy snorkels)
And takes all his naps in the pool
Said Trump to the press looking smug,
With his usual leer and a shrug
“The House won’t get far,
I’ve got Bill Barr,
Who’ll sweep my crimes under the rug.”
Getting it on in the pool
May seem like it’d be cool
But that kind of ‘swim’
In the neighborhood gym
Is frowned upon as a rule.
Do you listen to “Limbaugh” my Dear?
Oh you must ! He is so crystal clear !
This man is so bright
And consistently right
Always says what his fans wanna’ hear
To an insect, a puddle’s a pool
He can use as a tool to stay cool.
He can swim, he can drink
Though I can’t help but think
If he’s dumb, he will sink like a fool.
If you want to have fame, call the press
Then just act like a nutcase, I guess.
You transgress, then confess
You obsess for success
Then suppress your distress from your mess.
I was hacking a slice off my boule –
I confess, I’m a sourdough fool –
When a news anchor clip
Caused my bread knife to slip –
Almost sliced off the family jewel.
Trick shot specialist, Emerson Pool,
By consensus, was nobody’s fool.
With one stroke of his cue
He could sink a canoe
Which, you have to admit, is quite cool.
Lots of research is vital in news
And the key to determine all views
It’s what journalists do
When they haven’t a clue
(And their jobs, they sure don’t want to lose)
Obituary Column
This Obit is simply alarming!
Fred Jones was well- know for his farming
Arlene was his wife
Just the love of his life
And hoodwinked to think he was charming
Court celebrity, fortune or fame,
There’s a price to be paid for a name.
You’ll be feted, no doubts,
By unscrupulous louts,
Who are bent on securing your shame.
When you’re getting the eye from a girl
Half your age, and your wit’s in a whirl,
Be assured that the press
Bought that close-fitting dress
And are queueing to snap when you twirl.
“Unashamed and afloat in the pool
Is an object, in shape, like a boule.
Someone’s shouting, “A turd!”
Then a Frenchman says, “Merde!”
I look shocked and surprised, as a rule.”
While lounging outside by the pool,
She’s waiting for somebody’s tool.
And then, there he stood
And said “It’s all good;
Your room A/C’s fixed; you’ll be cool.”
Said a stable hand from Tennessee,
“I’m just wasting my B.S. Degree,
for I can’t make a buck
raking this kind of muck.”
So he took himself off to DC.
My newspaper used to be sturdy
with features beyond more than wordy.
But now it’s on line,
which works out just fine–
till the floor of my birdcage gets dirty.
Revised
Court celebrity, fortune or fame,
There’s a price to be paid for a name.
You’ll be feted, no doubts,
By unscrupulous louts,
Who can’t wait for your downfall and shame.
When you’re getting the eye from a girl
Half your age, and your wit’s in a whirl,
Be assured that the press
Bought that close-fitting dress
And are queueing to snap when you twirl.
What to wear for a day at the pool?
Budgie smugglers are worn as a rule;
Which is fine if your meat
And two veg’ are quite neat,
But taboo for protuberant tool.
A Variation On The Theme
At my local municipal pool
I’m persona non grata – it’s cruel.
I behave as I should –
No misdeeds, I’ve been good –
But I’m cursed with a prominent tool.
Dear Editor, deer have been hopping
On one foot, cuz the cars aren’t stopping!
Put a sign in the town
For the cars to slow down
So the deer will have time to go shopping
Fewer syllables if necessary
Dear Editor, deer have been hopping
They’re wounded cuz cars aren’t stopping!
Put a sign in the town
For the cars to slow down
Cuz deer need their time to go shopping
Trump’s Tool
We were playing a fun game of pool
And discussing why Trump is “no fool”
When debates he is losing
He takes out and starts using
His “Opponent Plan B Scandal Tool”
All this talk of protuberant tool!
Puts the chap in bad light, as a rule.
But no mention, as yet,
Of the embonpoint set
Which gives rise to most tiffs by the pool.
With news and opinion to sell,
Most papers aren’t doing so well.
But the Washington Post
Fares better than most;
Cuz Bezos is richer than hell.
For a gift, she deserves something cool;
A ring or fun trip with a pool.
Some advice for the guy:
If you happen to buy
An exercise bike, you’re a fool!
The news, according to Chump,
Is “The Accord” we’re going to dump.
Climate Change is not real,
So what’s the big deal
Then much more oil and gas we can pump.
Quoting Pelosi, in news today…
“Now, if we had it our way
“The Accord” we would honour
Or else we’re a goner,
And that’s more than those GOP folks would say.
There I was playing pool
Being made to look like a fool.
Wouldn’t you know
I’m meant to be pro
And usually win as a rule.
When the scores appeared in the press,
Not a good look I must confess.
But in my defence
I was thrown o’er the fence
And under a lot of duress.
My wife, who is normally cool
Caught me nude in the spa pool.
Worse, I was with her best mate…
You could well say she’s irate
Threw me out for being both dumb and cruel.
In the Post there’s a section: Fake News
I won’t say, but can you guess whose?
There’s daily lists of his lies
That he doesn’t try to disguise…
All verified, so he can’t accuse.
The Post photo shows most flags unfurled
For NATOS Leaders of the Free World,
But the American flag,
Like Trump, is in lag,
Unlike the others it’s not uncurled.
The “Post” in New York is still “rocking”
So please do not think that I’m mocking
Its readers at all
Yet they all seem to fall
For news that is always real shocking
The “Times” in L.A. I can swear
For the most part is honest and fair
Although often unsaid
It’s just never read
By people with no time to spare
(Here in Chicago everyone calls the Chicago Tribune “The Trib”)
The Trib is Chicago’s “Success”
And abides by “The Freedom Of Press’
Though snobs truly think
It just isn’t a “link”
“Cuz the Midwest ain’t in the U.S.”
another way of putting it:
The “Trib” is Chicago’s “Success”
It’s the symbol of “Freedom of Press”
Though some dopes truly think
It just isn’t a “link”
“Cuz “The Midwest ain’t in the U.S.”
To the readers of “Washington Post”,
Don’t be fooled; it’s not really “the most”
“Wall Street Journal” unfurled
Simply rules the whole world
Not to mention its clout coast to coast
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
“Press” 2 stanzas
Press 1 go ahead then proceed
Press 2 and your call’s guaranteed
One more minute, my dear
Press 3 and you’ll hear
‘Bout crap that you surely don’t need
Press 1 when you hear the strange tone
Press 2 for the “Unresolved Zone”
Please have no fear
One more minute, my dear
Press 3 if you don’t have a phone
fixing ALL the mistakes of stanza 1 Today at 1:15 pm Dec. 7th
Press 1 go ahead then proceed
To press 2 and your call’s guaranteed
One more minute, my dear
Now press 3 and you’ll hear
About crap that you surely don’t need
better: stanza 2
Press 1 when you hear a strange tone
Press 2 for the “Unresolved Zone”
There is nothing to fear
One more minute, my dear
Now press 3 if you don’t have a phone
And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 334
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Press-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners.
(Sorry but I had to post this earlier than usual. However, worthy limericks that come in before the standard 10 pm deadline, will remain eligible to be added as an additional Honorable Mention.)
You can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Veer.