UPDATE: NEW SUBMISSION DEADLINE – November 9, 2019. Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LOCK at the end of any one line
UPDATE: NEW SUBMISSION DEADLINE – NOVEMBER 9, 2019, due to family health issues.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using LOCK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to JAZZ, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best JAZZ-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on November 10, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 9, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my LOCK-rhyme limerick:
Politicians take actions that shock.
On stupidity, most have a lock.
But there’s one saving grace
In their steep downward race:
They at least give us something to mock.
And here’s my JAZZ-themed limerick:
A businessman, stodgy and bland,
Had a second career in a band.
He’d unwind, legs astride
His piano bench, wide,
Playing stride on an old baby grand.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Jazz Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Music Humor & Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Politician Humor, Politicians, Stride Piano, Writing Prompts
I’m endlessly watching the clock.
Time goes slow here on “The Rock. ”
I exercise each day.
I make each moment pay.
When my strength peaks, I’ll pick the lock.
There is a famed monster in the loch.
“Nessie”, reads the name tag in her sock.
Folks come from far away
to watch her splash and play.
I met her when I slipped on the dock.
While on a long trip to Bangkok
They damaged my suitcase’s lock
And the excuser’s credentials
Left out many essentials
It was–pure and simply–just shlock!
Listening in on a jazz Open Mic
There was more to dislike than to like!
I usually hum
Something great, when I come
But this concert was just —workmanlike!
I admit I was clearly in shock
When my co-worker started to mock
me; I said, “Wanna fight?”
She said, “You got that right”
Then we brought on the mighty Caps Lock
Oh jazz is so great, Man, don’t sweat it!
Just catch some; you sure won’t regret it!
You must focus and listen
To the notes that are missin’
And that’s why it’s really cool. Get it?
That guitarist, oh wow! could he strum
The percussionist, he sure could “drum”
But even though jazz
Has fantastic pizzazz
It still makes most folks feel real dumb
Some idiots started to razz
Steve Miller for turning to jazz.
His “Born 2B Blue”
Is so cool through and through;
Done better than anyone has.
“Guinevere,” Lance said in shock,
“This chastity belt thing’s a crock!
For why such attire
When each knight and squire
Has got his own key to the lock?!”
On my door, I’ve got a really big lock.
Am I paranoid? That’s quite a crock.
I’ve also got a gun,
My aim’s second to none,
Someone breaks in, they’re in for a shock.
The harsh Scottish winter nights shock
They freeze Nessie hard as a rock
She’s frozen that way
Until early May
But that’s just one tale of hard loch.
A Scottish mouse sat on a dock
Licking his balls by the loch
He said, “It’s no joke —
I’ve nuts cured in oak
And a hickory dickory cock!”
There was so much blather and talk
By Trump that his wall was a lock
He claimed Mexico would pay
But Ukraine’s now in the way
It’s Trump who’ll pay for this crock!
Our Mary, a Queen and a Scot
Condemned with her head on the block
Her hair used to be copper
But three strokes of the chopper
From her head, there fell just a lock
The tired porn star sat in the loch.
He was cooling his overworked c*ck.
Then Nessie showed up
and wanted to shtup.
He obliged… he was still on the clock.
Caroline stood on the dock.
She dipped her toes in the loch.
Her foot probed the murk.
She felt a sharp jerk.
Nessie pulled off her sock.
Make that “Nessie had pulled off her sock.”
I’m California’s guest on “The Rock”.
I wince as the key turns in the lock.
I hear a ticking sound.
The last guy left it wound.
From now on, it’s me and that damn clock.
The president boasts, “Man, I rock!
My victory next year’s a lock.
Of this I’ve no doubt –
I’ll win in a rout!
This I swear by my fifteen -inch cock.”
Mr. Wee Bear was surely in shock
Cried his eyes out way down by the dock
His porridge was gone
He just couldn’t go on
All because of this bitch Goldie Locke
The night that I met my “hulk” Maxie
We smooched in the back of a taxi
He’s the “King Of All Jazz”
Plays his horn with pizzazz
I guess that’s what makes him so saxxy
My friend, Susie, ’bout jazz, knows it ALL
She loves jiving and sure has a ball
Can recite all the greats
(And her fav’rite, she states)
Is a man called Pajama Ja Mall
We know every word is a crock;
Our great institutions he’ll mock.
His office disgraced,
Let’s just hope he is placed
Behind a steel door they can lock.
While taking my mid morning walks
I mused about Trumps ranted talks
I’ve had a revelation
When he talks to his nation
all reply “All shit Sherlock”
Groaned Raul to the old Cuban doc,
“What’s causing my stomach to lock?”
The man poked and prodded,
Then solemnly nodded,
“It’s a Castro-intestinal block.”
What’s great about music called Jazz
Is what the art hasn’t–and has:
No thunderous din
For ears made of tin;
Just rhythmic/harmonic pizazz.
The singer, a drummer and bass,
Recorded with smoldering grace.
It didn’t take long;
Peggy Lee’s biggest song
Took off at a Feverish pace.
These lim’riks: OH MY! They sure rock!
Goodness Gracious! How some of them shock!
Everyone wants the prize
We are growing in size
And becoming just so “CHOC-AB-LOCK”
Mad: above limerick L5 I missed one letter and meant to type
“CHOCK-AB-LOCK”
Could you please add the K for me?
Thank You, Lisi
Ray Charles had just started to play;
His Wurlitzer joining the fray.
Those opening sounds
Now as then still astounds
When we get to hear “What’d I say”.
The prisoner has just left the dock
Now under the key and the lock
He made a sensation
On Grand Central Station
By exposing and waving his cock
Can’t figure just where jazz belongs
Cuz I’ve noticed just so many “wrongs”
It seems such a crime
That all at one time
The musicians all play different songs
New Orleans correction pronunciation: New OR-LINZ
(especially if you want the locals to understand you) Therefore:
New Orleans is known for its jazz
It’s a city with such wild pizzazz
And besides all its raz
In addition it has
And abundance of real cool ma tazz
improvement: not using same words twice
I cannot figure where jazz belongs
Cause I’ve noticed just so many “wrongs”
It seems such a crime
That at the same time
The musicians all play different songs
My Irving was surely in shock
No wonder I heard a loud knock
Cause I got all new keys
Now I do as I please
And I’m happily out of wed-lock
OK, now that your biological clock
Is through ticking, there’s no need to lock
Your legs quite so tightly.
So might I politely
Request that you service my cock?
While some jazz buffs get into a tizzy
Over bebop and swing, I think Dizzy
Gillespie is King
And Glenn Miller’s the Thing!
(Yes, it’s true: I still drive a Tin Lizzie.)
All music has something that’s new
And we’ve all diff’rent tastes, that is true
But jazz is unique
For its special technique
Which is called “do be do do be do”
Dave Brubeck was just so ALIVE!
To his music, we all loved to jive
With our money in tow
To Sam Goody’s we’d go
Get his records; we kids all took 5
(For those not living in The States: L4 “To the store we would go”)
Chicago has cool razz ma tazz
It’s a city with real wild pizzazz
You’ll see parks, Brookfield Zoo
Sears Tower’s great view
Great museums, “The Lake” (“All That Jazz”)
Most jazz is a real variation
Of blues and a “swing syncopation”
But what sets it apart
Is truly the art
Of “Free-Forming Improvisation”
“I find,” said a woman named Liz,
“With semen, my hair doesn’t frizz —“
Oh damn! You said ‘jazz’?
I wrote it down as
You wanted to hear about jizz!
Another Tribute To The Great One
Still groovin’ although he was blind
This man was sure one of a kind
Just none could compare
To that brilliant despair
When Georgia was still on his mind
(above limerick modified to make more sense)
Still groovin’ although he was blind
He was certainly one of a kind
Not a thing could compare
To his brilliant despair
When Georgia was still on his mind
Razzle dazzled by glamour and glitz,
And sexy Oscar winning outfits
Plenty of pizazz
And all that jazz
What’s more, gorgeous Gere had me transfixed
Edit or delete this
Little Bo Beep has lost her flock
They’ve escaped and run amok
Now she has to wait
By the wooden gate
That she’d forgotten to lock
Tony’s poor lady in court
Said, as she turned with a snort,
“You have to say ‘damn’ a lot
Living in Camelot,
Where all the knights are cut short!”
[just for fun]
David, please imagine that this is a winking, smiley-faced emoji.
From the forest, a logger called Paul
Let out a scream and a call
After missing his hack
What rolled from that ‘jack’?
Alas it’s the Woodchoppers Ball
The End – But slightly improved.
‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”
“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak;
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”
‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’
“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”
‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
Must my lord now add insult to crime?
Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
Squares betrayal of trust?’
“Well, it certainly helped at the time.”
‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
Now that you are but steer to my cow?
Like a lute never played,
Must I die an old maid?
Fallow land never put to the plough?’
“Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
But methinks if I get me a squire …
Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
Would a ménage à trois …?”
‘Just ensure he don’t easily tire.’
And for those inclined to be strict; yes, I know it should be heifer, but you try getting it to rhyme. LOL
A Meter Correction:
Oh, jazz, Man, is so cool; don’t sweat it
Just catch some; you sure won’t regret it
If you focus and listen
To the notes that are missin’
You’ll love it and no longer fret it
‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”
“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”
‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’
“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”
‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
Must my lord now add insult to crime?
Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
Squares betrayal of trust?’
“Well, it certainly helped at the time.”
‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
Now that you are but steer to my cow?
Like a lute never played,
Must I die an old maid?
Fallow land never put to the plough?’
“Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
But methinks if I get me a squire …
Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
Would a ménage à trois …?”
‘Just be sure he don’t easily tire.’
End Note: ?
‘To all ladies in similar straits,
Who’ve known loss at the whim of The Fates,
Seek your solace in Jazz.
With its cool razzmatazz,
It might soothe till the itching abates.’
Sorry! Blame it on Thalia.
‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”
“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”
‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’
“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”
‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
Must my lord now add insult to crime?
Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
Squares betrayal of trust?’
“Well, it certainly helped at the time.”
‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
Now that you are but steer to my cow?
Like a lute never played,
Must I die an old maid?
Fallow land never put to the plough?’
‘Know, my lord, that I’m mightily miffed –
To be thwarted and not to get stiffed.
I will keep you apprised,
But, please, don’t be surprised,
If, in time, this should lead to a rift.’
“Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
But methinks if I get me a squire …
Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
Would a ménage à trois …?”
‘Just be sure he don’t easily tire.’
End Note: ?
‘To all ladies in similar straits,
Who’ve known loss at the whim of The Fates,
Seek your solace in Jazz.
With its cool razzmatazz,
It might soothe till the itching abates.’
Changed it again, so no worry, Mad.
‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”
“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”
‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’
“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”
‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
Must my lord now add insult to crime?
Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
Squares betrayal of trust?’
“Well, it certainly helped at the time.”
‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
Now that you are but steer to my cow?
Like a lute never played,
Must I die an old maid?
Fallow land never put to the plough?’
‘Know, my lord, that I’m mightily miffed –
To be thwarted and not to get stiffed.
I will keep you apprised,
But, please, don’t be surprised,
If, in time, this should lead to a rift.’
“Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
But methinks if I get me a squire …
Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
Would a ménage à trois …?”
‘Just be sure he don’t easily tire.’
Forgot the last stanza.
‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”
“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”
‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’
“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”
‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
Must my lord now add insult to crime?
Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
Squares betrayal of trust?’
“Well, it certainly helped at the time.”
‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
Now that you are but steer to my cow?
Like a lute never played,
Must I die an old maid?
Fallow land never put to the plough?’
‘Know, my lord, that I’m mightily miffed –
To be thwarted and not to get stiffed.
I will keep you apprised,
But, please, don’t be surprised,
If, in time, this should lead to a rift.’
“Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
But methinks if I get me a squire …
Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
Would a ménage à trois …?”
‘Just be sure he don’t easily tire.’
End Note: ?
‘To all ladies in similar straits,
Who are feeling ill used by The Fates,
Seek your solace in Jazz.
With its cool razzmatazz,
It might soothe till the itching abates.’
Rapunzel, just let down a lock
But this may come as a shock
The Prince is obese
Your scalp will release
Save your hair and slide down his cock
A man by the name of John Locke
Had a notion that came as a shock:
Ev’ry person has worth
That’s inherent at birth.
Sadly, Trumpists think that’s all a crock.
‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”
“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”
‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’
“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”
‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
Must my lord now add insult to crime?
Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
Squares betrayal of trust?’
“Well, it certainly helped at the time.”
‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
Now that you are but steer to my cow?
Like a lute never played,
Must I die an old maid?
Fallow land never put to the plough?’
‘Know, my lord, I feel mightily miffed –
As might you if you couldn’t get stiffed.
I will keep you apprised,
But, please, don’t be surprised,
If, in time, this should lead to a rift.’
“Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
But methinks if I get me a squire …
Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
Would a ménage à trois …?”
‘Just be sure he don’t easily tire.’
End Note: ?
‘To all ladies in similar straits,
Who are feeling ill used by The Fates,
Seek your solace in Jazz.
With its cool razzmatazz,
It might soothe till the itching abates.’
This basketball team has pizzazz
All sports lovers know that it has
A great shooting guard
(This position is hard)
It’s the bouncy and cool Utah Jazz
When you tour with your troupe, (till you’re through,)
The entire time you will feel blue
Even though you love jazz
Cause it has such pizzazz
It’ll feel like a traveling zoo
(an actual slang jazz term)
Our guitarist is one cool humdinger
And also he sure is a swinger
He strums just so fast
That we all are aghast
We call him our “Great Zinger Finger”
A man walking the streets was knock
In the head with a very large clock
He rushed home so fast
Footprints left in the grass
Sealed the door then attached a giant lock
The drummer marched in a band
Saw music symbols in his hand
He starts to play off key
Playing off what he could see
Cheered on, thinking he was the man
I cannot find the key to the lock
Of my brain’s creativity stock
My gray matter’s right half
Is obstructed (don’t laugh!)
So I think I must have writer’s block!
The privilege which my cat has
Is to watch me dance gayly to jazz
I’ll let no one else spy
Just how terribly I
Move about, like I’m having a spaz.
another version of John Shardlow’s “Rapunzel”
Rapunzel just went into shock
When she heard an extremely loud knock!
She was getting a perm
Which made the prince squirm
But politely, she sent down a lock
“M’Lady. I’m off to Crusade
Wear this chastity belt I’ve had made.
You’ll be safe round the clock
Neath this strong mortice lock
And I’ll not fear you’ve been waylaid.”
“I’m back from the wars, mighty sad;
A terrible disaster I’ve had.
By a Gibraltar-side dock
I dropped the key to the lock
In the tide. Oh how I feel bad.”
“The chastity belt, woe is me,
When will I ever get free?”
Said the Jester, “That lock,
I don’t mean to shock,
But I have a duplicate key.”
To a bar went notes C, E-flat, G.
“Please give us your finest whis-key.”
The bar maid was clear,
“No minors served here.”
So G shared a fifth with friend C.
New Orleans now no longer has
The basketball team called the Jazz.
They’re in Utah. Just where
Is there less jazz than there?
That’s a choice made by some horse’s azz.
Ye Olde Advertisement
Noble Knights: Far away on crusade?
Sleepless Knights: What if uxor has strayed?
Peace Of Mind: Here, in stock!
Complete: Belt, key and lock.
Happy Knights: Since all fretting’s allayed.
Ye Olde Advertisement: The Second
Special discount: Crusaders: en bloc:
Peace of mind: Out of sight beneath frock.
If their virtue’s in doubt,
Give our locksmith a shout,
And he’ll soon have them safe under lock.
Trump’s allies once giggled with glee
on ways he would jail Hillary.
Now post-Ukraine crock,
they cry, “Now who to lock?!?”
up jumps Trump to yell, “Anyone but Meeee!”
Ye Blowe Fore Ye Ladies Rightes
‘’If I were a lady, I think
I would kick up one helluva stink!
To put ME under lock
Lest I cuckold my jock …
Little wonder I’m seeing a shrink.’
Insomnia
Couldn’t sleep, so the door I did lock
Didn’t work, so I walked ’round the block
Ev’ry night I would cry
Until finally I
Threw away my circadian clock
In a very conservative nation
Where musical improvisation
Is viewed with disdain,
Playing jazz leads to pain
From a sentence of defenestration.
A trip to the dark side.
Every night at eleven o’clock
Her master would come to unlock
Her chastity belt,
And the next thing she felt
Was the thrust and the throb of his cock.
I’ve got my trusty Glock
With custom grip and lock.
I’m off to the mall
Where none will forstall
The shoppers’ nasty shock.
I was ridiculed at school
And all the other kids were cruel
About my speaking block,
As my tongue would lock,
They called me, “A dumb-ass mule”.
I’ve been as lambasted as anyone has
And I’m fed up with all of that jazz
So they’ll get their come-up
When I run amok
And indulge in a well earned spaz.
I said, “It is no paradox,”
As I freed the poor hounds from their stocks
“For think what you may,
You did not hear me say
That I’m fond of beagles in locks!”
With jazz, you just lose your control
It’s an art form we all should extol
Because it’s unique
Has a stylish technique
And is played from the heart and the soul
We swayed and we spun and we twirled
We hopped and we bopped and we whirled
Just danced with pizzazz
To something called “jazz”
(America’s gift to the world)
He: “Let’s make like a shepherd!” I strained
For his meaning; he laughed and explained
As I opened the lock:
“Yeah, let’s just get the flock
Outta here!” I admit I looked pained.
“There’s another like that one,” grinned he:
“Hey, you’ll love it — ‘Let’s make like a tree…'”
“And?” “And LEAVE!” he enthused.
I replied, not amused:
“YOU can leave! Just get out — without ME.”
There’s nothing more to want than a lock
Of our dear president’s horrid frock
No, not that drab gown
But what tops that crown
Appears a worthy snip for future hawk.
Out the window the piano was pushed
Keys jangling to the sidewalk it whooshed
Their bets were all in
On the dominant din
When into the sidewalk it smooshed
For years a trombone he did toot
Some days reading the dots to boot
His Waterloo came
When his slide went lame
Snagged on watch chain of zoot suit
“Bird Lives” was scribbled on wall
For the sax man who answered the call
He blew those wild riffs
Gave bebop tinged gifts
To hep cats and beatniks and all
Bebop a rebop: that’s scat
As intoned by a fine righteous cat
All words in the groove
Behind the beat move
What’s what, that’s it, that’s that
Kerouac’s extemperaneous prose
From Parker and Gillespie arose
Riffing on a theme
With words from a dream
On the Road with Cassidy he goes
The door he’d forgotten to lock
Swung open; no sound of a knock.
Just barely inside,
She began to deride
Their music – smooth jazz from a clock.
An apparel firm pumped up their stock:
“It’ll double in price! It’s a lock!
Our source of success is
Our fine women’s dresses!”
The truth is, I don’t give a frock.
correction of rhyming error (Oct. 22, 11:59 AM)
We swayed and we spun and we twirled
We hopped and we bopped and we swirled
We danced with pizzazz!
To something called jazz
(America’s gift to the world)
You might want to have a supply
Of narcotics that you’d like to try
But in lieu of regrets
Get a taste of Stan Getz
Cuz jazz is safe kinda’ high
Calm down, my dear friend, just relax
Not ev’ry one reaches the max
You must understand
That in this jazzy band
Only cool people play alto sax
Do you wanna’ play jazz? Just Persist!
Here’s advice that just can’t be dismissed:
Get a keyboard that’s cool
And then follow this rule:
Punch it hard, while you’re balling your fist
On our way through the Suez,
Having a wonderful cruies*,
Caused by some block
We got stuck in a lock…
To blame? I don’t know who is.
*Intentional misspelling in order to rhyme.
To Kirk, a message from Spock,
I’m trapped here in the air lock.
Communicator is wrought,
I’ll commune by my thought,
I just hope there’s no mental block.
(Wishful thinking)
2020! It came as a shock
To poor Donald, who stood in the dock.
20/20 – the reason?
For fraud and for treason …
The key would soon turn in the lock.
The voters, a gullible flock,
Had swallowed unthinkingly, lock,
Stock, and barrel, that guy’s
Endless boasting and lies –
Including the size of his cock.
UPDATE: NEW SUBMISSION DEADLINE – NOVEMBER 9, 2019, due to family health issues.
Sorry!
10-26-2019 “lock” submission
A rooster opposed to foul talk,
might say “cluck!” if you called him a cock,
but he’ll always be quick
should you call him a dick
to remind you his name is “Buh-lock!”
what is “moderation”? Fix the misspellings?
A rooster opposed to foul talk,
might say “CLUCK!” if you call him a cock.
But he’ll always be quick
should you call him a dick
to remind you his name is “BUH-LOCK!”
Jazz submission 10-27-2019
He had his performance down pat,
but Puccini, this time, left him flat,
and since “How High the Moon”
was his favorite tune,
he sang “Nessun dorma” in scat.
This jazz band is cool: I can DO IT!
AH CHOO! Something told me I blew it!
Cuz I started to sneeze
Then hit all the wrong keys
(For some reason, nobody knew it)
(true story)
In the town where I live, there’s a gal
Whose songs put you under a spell
The title she has
Is “First Lady of Jazz”
She is Diana Krall, music belle.
(not a true story)
My work’s low pay put me in hock
So I found a new job on my block.
I earn a good penny
Opened doors for me (many!)
I now can pick anyone’s lock.
(true story)
An Air Canada offshoot known as
A little wee airline called “Jazz”
Can’t fit legs or fit ass
You can’t even pass gas
It’s economy class, all it has.
If you’re tiny, you won’t have to care
Even though there ain’t much room to spare
If you do pass some gas
Folks would just choke en masse
And try breaking the glass to get air.
(true story… or not? I’ll never tell)
My house is a place I don’t lock.
Any burglars are in for a shock.
It’s booby-trapped well
And a nightmarish hell
They’ll get crushed by a cell concrete block!
A chastity belt with a lock
Must be history’s nastiest crock.
After all, they had both
Exchanged vows, as in “oath”
Well, bacteria growth brings a shock.
Ban these chastity belts, folks (oh brother!)
Worn by sister, wife, aunty and mother.
Give the fellow a jock
Made of steel with a lock
So he cannot go knock up some other!
Back In The Day: Reminiscing (acrostic)
D id I do one mean Lindy Bop!
A nd Charleston! (I just couldn’t stop)
N ext I did Mambo
C uz I just loved that combo
E v’ry day to the jazz club, I’d hop
better: as to not use “just” twice
D id I do one mean Lindy Bop!
A nd Charleston! (I just couldn’t stop)
N ext I did Mambo
C uz I sure loved that combo
E v’ry day to the jazz club I’d hop
“Benny” (acrostic)
S he danced till she thought she would faint
W onder why she had not ONE complaint?
I mpressed with the leader
N ancy prayed he would need ‘er
G oodman’s Band rendered Nan no restraint
“Epstein death more consistent with homicidal strangulation than suicide…”
Convenient, now he is gone,
What on earth could be wrong?
In a security block
Behind a strong lock
He died! Now well get along.
Sorry, missed apostrophe in we’ll.
… suicide watch, high security prison…
It’s much too jazzy by half,
I really think I should laugh.
Both the guards were asleep
And VDU’s on the bleep…
Do they really think we are daft?
“The Jazz Ensemble Conductor Says” (acrostic)
T he piece that you’re playing’s too SLOW
E v’ry player should already know!
M usic like jazz
P layed with soul and pizzazz
O pens minds to a heightened plateau
(a minor correction) L2
T he piece that you’re playing’s too SLOW
E ‘vry one here should already know
M usic like jazz
P layed with soul and pizzazz
O pens minds to a heightened plateau
(acrostic)
D iana was simply in shock
I remember her quarrel with Brock
A little white lie
R oused his anger so high
Y es, Diana neglected to lock
What am I?
I have keys which don’t fit any lock
I love classical, blues, jazz and rock.
I do bass and soprano
You ought to and can know
I am a piano, you schlock!
One night, I undid my car’s lock
Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
Along came a robber
I smiled, dripping slobber.
With what did I clobber? A rock!
One night, I undid my car’s lock
Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
Along came a thief
It’s my earnest belief
I should give him relief with a rock.
One night, I undid my car’s lock
And I hid in the back with a rock.
A rapist came by,
Tried to unzip my fly
But he screamed after I crushed his jock.
acrostic
B onnie left me, I sadly must say
L ove was here; in a flash, flew away
U tter grief filled my heart
E vermore we shall part
S at and cried. Got in bed. Put on “Ray”
“An Instrument Speaks” (acrostic)
D exterity can’t be without me
R hythmic feel is the essence about me
U nique jazz is my thing
M y specialty’s swing
S o come hear the band. You won’t doubt me
The above limerick should be titled “An Instrument Speaks” acrostic
NOT “What Am I”
Lines 3 and 4 don’t match that title
(Mad: If you have a chance, could you change that for me?)
Thank You, Lisi
********
Done.
I fought him with all of my might,
And put up one hell of a fight.
His punches I’d block
And avoid his head lock…
Phew for my karate at night!
acrostic
C ome and see the spectacular show
O nly four of us play, but although
M y sax is so fine
B rass section’s divine
O ur band is one knock ’em dead blow
I’ve a crush on that old Mr. Spock
So I cut his hair – only a lock.
It’s a nice souvenir
I just swoon when he’s near
Even more when I hear his voice talk.
(I had an incurable crush on Mr. Spock as I grew up watching Star Trek. He rarely got any love scenes, but when he did, I just went nuts! Oh, how the folly of youth haunts us)
With lim’riks, it’s fun to take stock
You must work at them all ’round the clock
They must be unique
With a metered technique
And humorous! (Then it’s a lock)
“Oh, relief! Only five days to go.
Time ticks by but it’s ever so slow.
When you’re picking at ‘Lock’ –
Four whole weeks by the clock –
It’s too many by half, don’t you know.”
Mad, I apoligise for the apparent lack of sympathy. It is there, though, I assure you. You just have to read between the lines. LOL
On Christmas, we’ll hear a loud knock
From Aunt Gertrude, (then doors we shall lock)
She’ll be standing with presents
Intended for peasants
Which she purchased at “Ooh La La Schlock”
acrostic
P leasing melody; known for its style
I n a jazz band just so versatile
A rhythmic addition
N eat chord composition
O ffbeat basslines that make people smile
No matter what young people say,
Our age group has not gone astray.
Their derision a lock
As we run out the clock;
Most Boomers agree – we’re O.K.
“Delilah!” cried Samson in shock,
“this haircut will make people gawk.”
Then he tried to stand tall
for his manhood and all,
but went limp when she lopped the last lock.
My parents neglected to lock
Their door, right around 10 o’clock
(Peeked in after their jog)
They were playing leap frog
Looked like fun. They sure know how to rock!
Whenever I realize the lock
To my car is secured as I gawk
On the seat where my keys
Are just being a tease
I just tense up and freeze from the shock.
When the tow truck guy comes, picks my lock,
I am wondering as I take stock,
When his workday is done,
He can rob anyone,
Raid their car after punching the clock!
Oh-oh, I just realized my entire first stanza sounds incomplete. Could I (please and thank you, Mad) have Line 5 changed to:
“I just tense up and freeze from the shock.”
****
done.
1960’s “Fusion Music” Miles Davis, Trumpeter And Innovator
Jazzy music is played from the soul
It’s an art form most people extol
To make it more “kicky”
Miles Davis got tricky
And fused it with ‘ole rock and roll
The New Jazz Age: 2019
To find out if your jazz gig went well
Here’s a sure-fire way you can tell:
If nobody groans
And they put down their phones
Then you know it was horn-blowin’ swell
“Art” (acrostic)
T his “cat” was a genius, no doubt
A nd here is what he was about
T he piano; be-bop
U nique ragtime, (non-stop)
M usic stride fused with swing was his route
This Limerick-Off ends in just over three hours at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 333. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Pool.