Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: NOTE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Sept. 28, 2019)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using NOTE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GRAMMAR, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GRAMMAR-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on September 29, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. (Due to my travel schedule you’ll have one extra week to submit your clever, polished verse.) Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 28, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my NOTE-rhyme limerick:
A man who was singing by rote
Kept hitting an out of tune note.
But nobody cared;
Instead, they just stared.
He was cute, which “earned” everyone’s vote.
And here’s my GRAMMAR-themed limerick:
A woman encountered an ad
Whose grammar was markedly bad.
So she dashed off a note
To the sponsor and wrote:
“Are you even a middle school grad?”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Advertising Humor, Bad Singing, Competition Limerick, Education & School Humor, Grammar Humor, Grammar Limerick, Language Humor, Language Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Music Humor & Verse, Poetry & Prompts, School Humor, Singing Humor, Singing Limerick, Sponsor Humor, Writing Prompts
Proper grammar is hard, so please try
To use all the words that apply
To the matter at hand
But you must understand
This suggestion’s between you and I
“And the winner is …”
Trump is an actor of note;
Although he can’t hope to emote,
His true claim to fame
Is explained by his name:
He can trump the Academy’s vote!
My mother consistently said
“Speak like I, then you’ll sound quite well-bred
Do your homework at night
Double check that it’s right
And then yous can all go to bed”
One thing I would like to note,
We’re sick of the gloat and the bloat.
The big orange schmo
Has just GOT to go
So people, please get out and vote.
Trump asked, “Did I stammer?
I have the best-est grammar!
My IQ’s so high
It can actually fly,
And my tweets crush like Thor’s hammer!”
Note and Grammar
When writing a letter or note
Use this method which I shall now quote:
“Make sure you sound bright
So get all the words right
Then re-read what you just done did wrote”
a slightly modified version of a previous limerick
My mother consistently said
“Speak as I, then you’ll sound quite well-bred
Do your homework at night
Double check that it’s right
And then all of yous hop into bed”
When sending my Grammar a note
I seem to be missing the bote,
It never makes sense
Put in the past tense,
As she only knows stuff by rote.
But if to this Grammar one wrote
A fully Grammatical note,
Would it fail to impress her,
And merely depress her
If ‘create’ in past tense one wrote ‘crote’?
(As usual, I started by getting the list from Rhymezone. Their idea of words that rhyme is often pretty weird, but this time they’ve outdone themselves. Can someone explain to me how “showoff” is a one-syllable rhyme for “note”?)
To finish this verse that I wrote,
I looked up the rhymewords for note.
I got them from Rhymezone,
That linguistic crime-zone,
So that’s why I’m ending with “showoff”.
**********
From Mad:
Wow! I never noticed that before. Just amazing!
“Though they laugh at my spelling and grammar,
At weather, believe me, I am a
Map-maker of note,
So it’s just like I wrote –
The hurricane hit Alabama!”
After his doctor’s endeavor,
Trump thought he was being quite clever,
He wears a long baggy coat
An hopes no one will note
That his BMI is higher than ever
The Oxford professor was pissed;
He was shouting and waving his fist.
“I have told you before –
When there’s three terms or more,
A comma’s REQUIRED in a list!”
When my very first lim’rick I wrote,
Seems I struck quite a discordant note.
For in Texas I was,
And it said, “He’s a scuzz,
And for Donald all y’all shouldn’t vote.”
Zoologists, please do take note:
There IS such a thing as a shoat.
It’s not sired by a ram
And a goat’s not its dam,
And it certainly isn’t a stoat.
A shoat is a newly weaned pig;
Its hands — sorry, HOOVES — aren’t big;
It’s a juvenile hog
And it can’t dance or jog…
Am I writing too subtle a dig?
From the owl and the pussycat’s boat,
There came never a discordant note.
For when pussy he grabbed,
She just reached out and stabbed
The old bastard right smack in the throat.
When my entries, Ms. Kane, you dissect,
You will find that the grammar’s correct.
For I write without flaws;
Disagree? That’s because
Both your husband and I are henpecked.
Grammar
On “Match Love” I met this guy Pete
At first I sure thought he was sweet
Then I read his “description”
And had a conniption
Cuz his phrasing was so incomple–T.
Mad: please ignore my request about changing O.C.D. limerick.
Could you possibly delete the original limerick and the “request”
Thank You
Lisi
Here is the correct one:
“Seems you’ve got O.C.D.” said “Doc” Smote
(Got my pencil and carefully wrote)
“My next session’s July”
I’ll remind myself I
Need a note and a note and a note
NOT A COMPETITIVE ENTRY
Brian —
I have long admired your work.
The short answer to your RZ question appears to be “compounded” errors involving treatment of assumed contractions (as in show-off which sans its hyphen is wrongly inferred as one syllable rhyming with “note”) and treatment of actual contractons (as in “they’re” which sans its apostrophe is wrongly interpreted as rhyming with “tire”). Thought you might enjoy this reply:
NEITHER RHYME NOR REASON…
You’ve discovered a truth that’s profound.
Cyber logic is often “unsound”.
It only arrives
at what it contrives,
not the stuff it assumes will be found.
I’m surprised that you didn’t take note,
in the list that you cite and you quote,
one should also refute
their assertion that “beaut”
is a rhyme they believe they can float.
Regards
Portly Bard
Aw, shucks, here I am in the slammer!
You’d a thunk I’d a taken a hammer
And I’d killed someone dead
But what I done instead—
Was just murder that dumb English grammar!
I agree, yes, that was in my note!
And I’m sorry if it got your goat!
But I must keep resisting
If you keep on insisting
He will win! Well, he won’t get my vote!
***********
When he slipped something into her tote
She hoped for a sweet, loving note
But it sadly turned out
What the note was about
Was only Mad Kane’s weekly quote!….
**************
Does the way you pronounce affect grammar?
I mean, it wouldn’t if you’re in the slammer….
But, what if, just say,
You auditioned one day
And (like New Yorkers) called the play melodrammer?
I can already hear the ‘Tut tut”
I’ve broken some rule–agreed, but
By linking good grammar
With bad “melodrammer”
I’ve had fun; I just won’t make the cut!
I wanted TO hear all the news
‘Bout TWO friends and their very first cruise
Seems the sea was TOO rough
They both sure had enough
And were sick of all three of those TUZE
A Bosnian sneered at a Serb,
“You’re misusing a transitive verb.
A direct object noun
Is required, you clown;”
Said the other, “Your peace I’ll disturb.”
This man has done nothing for us.
To get rid would be a big plus.
He is, and I quote:
“Just being a Big Note!”
But beware, he’ll kick up a fuss.
The symphony was soft and serene,
As I heard it there in my dream.
Then suddenly I woke
When I played a bum note…
Forgot it, and just wanted to scream.
The skilled Paramedics are here!
Stop crying; don’t be in despair!
They have brought Grammar Brown
He will sure calm you down
By telling you, “Now, their they’re there”
Teaching Grammar all day isn’t fun
At the end of the day I just run
To the Scholar Cafe
Cuz I must get away
And order my synonym bun
“On Ivanka,” says Donald, “I dote,
But of Tiffany barely take note.
Though the Jewish one’s hot
(Why with THEM tie the knot?),
Her poor sister tends sadly to bloat.”
Headline
Dear Americans, please all take note
It is ev’ry four years you must vote
For the slightly less awful
And eventually unlawful
Moron who’s then gonna gloat
METER ERROR !! “Headline”
Dear Americans, please all take note
It is ev’ry four years you must vote
For the slightly less awful
And eventually unlawful
Dumb moron, who’s then gonna gloat
Said the Slav with a sniff, “Please note,
And don’t get it wrong or misquote;
Don’t play that old game,
We’re not all the same–
I’m a born and bred Serb, not a Croat.”
Correction on previous Note limerick sent 5:31 pm. Replace with:
Said the Slav with a sniff, “Please take note,
And don’t get it wrong or misquote;
Don’t play that old game,
We’re not all the same–
I’m a born and bred Serb, not a Croat.”
When it comes to language grammatical
Trump’s grasp is, at best, problematical;
The fine points of speech
Are out of his reach–
With grammar not clear or syntactical.
The Party of Law and Order
Said Boris, “We’re leaving for sure!
No deal, and we’re out of the door.
It’s illegal? Please note,
Though I lost every vote,
If I have to, I’ll just break the law.”
(Grammar – three from the archives …)
I was hoping for sex with my date,
A young teacher of Latin called Kate,
But after we’d wined
And we’d dined, she declined
My suggestion that we conjugate.
***
“You shouldn’t say ‘us’ll’, but ‘we’ll’ ”,
The teacher done tell us – big deal!
Young rednecks like us,
Why, us don’t give a cuss.
’Cause us’ll get richer than she’ll.
***
A woman cried “What shall I do?
I’m pregnant, but don’t know by who.
On vacation in Mali,
I had sex with Charlie,
But later that day, Tim bucked too.”
(N.B. The grammatical error is hers, not mine.)
I was caught very viciously strangling
A man with whom I had a wrangling
His syntax was dire
I began to perspire
When his participle was just dangling
When grammar and grandpa get together,
You just know it’ll be stormy weather.
She corrects how he speaks,
He mocks how she shrieks.
He’s obese; she’s as light as a feather.
In 2015 on THAT day
In the voting booth things looked real gray
So I slipped out a note
Which said, “After I vote
May I have extra time just to pray?”
To Roger Haugen: It’s pronounced “CRO-at.” That’s why I went with a Bosnian instead.
I’ve been dating an English professor;
It’s delightful until I undress her.
During passionate sex,
Pillow talk she corrects,
And it makes my arousal much lesser.
With phrases you must always try
To use pronouns that duly apply
So use “them” “you” or “us”
And you’ll get an A+
(That’s a secret between you and I)
“Voting” a bit different
In 2015 on THAT day
In the ballot booth, things looked real gray
So I slipped out a note
And on it I wrote
“May I have extra time just to pray?”
Computer Dates Without Commas
I decidedly have no regrets
Not meeting this man on “Matched Sets”
Under “Pastimes” he wrote
“I just love my new boat
And eating my fam’ly and pets”
Presidential Address (Grammar)
“Right now I am boss of the nation
The chief of the whole population
Ev’ry day I get praise
For my real savvy ways
And I don’t need no more education”
For your Birthday I’m writing this note,
To show I am present and woke,
To the fact that you’re OLD,
(If I may be bold)
So why don’t your looks so denote?
Happy Birthday to the best woman in the whole wide world, my lovely wife Madeleine!
The robot played songs note for note,
Exactly as Beethoven wrote.
And this was its goal,
But lacking a soul,
It failed cuz it couldn’t emote.
When welcoming them off the boat,
Trump only wants people of note.
Anyone bad, well,
just give’em a paddle,
send them off yelling “Hope you can float!”
Last night when I went to my room
I noticed the trees were in bloom
Saw a well-spoken owl
Who started to howl
And perfectly then uttered “Whom”
In her chair my real stern teacher sat
And said, “Students, do not forget that
When writing a phrase
You must not use cliches
Because frankly, they’re really “old hat”
My school was a real scary place
I tried but I couldn’t keep pace
I was just so confused
And thought colons were used
For a lovable, cute “smiley face”
(:
The professor so clearly expounds:
“Ev’ry sentence must have its own bounds
Use a subject and verb
Quite unique and superb
And an object that weighs 20 pounds”
It is it’s when you mean that it is
It is its when it’s hers or it’s his
But make no mistake
When you need a nice break
It is ain’t and you’ll still pass this quiz
I try hard to be erudite and engaging
But I’m sixteen and hormones are raging.
When I wrote a short note
To her whom I dote
Her reply was that I needed caging.
It’s Gr8
Generally, not specifically, note.
Really, an authentic vote.
Excruciating and Trite
And not worth a shite
Tiresome and not worthy of quote.
Would I be the first to complain
If Trump were elected again?
Not if popular vote,
That’s “Popular”, note,
Said, “Donald, as Prezzie, remain.”
I thought I’d make lots of dosh.
I’m from Eton and so I talk posh,
But they found me quite galling
As my grammar’s appalling
So I came down to earth with a splosh.
An Italian tenor of note
Would, betimes, lose his voice and I quote:
“If I sing … they no clap?”
He gets nervous, poor chap,
And the fear puts a frog in his throat.
Grasping homophones makes me so proud
And proves that I’m quite well-endowed
With a brain so acute
That there’s just not dispute
And now I’ll recite them allowed
Way back in the month of July
I held up my banner real high
I carefully wrote:
“All people TAKE NOTE!
Bad spellers, we all must UNTIE”
For language that’s proper and fit,
grammar that’s correct and legit.
To convey information,
use the right punctuation
and demonstrate knowing your shit.
Apostrophes don’t always fit.
To include them, or sometimes omit.
Don’t sit on the fence,
succeed and make sense,
or fail, not knowing you’re shit.
Here is something that I’ve always said
To my students to all get ahead
“It is i before e
Except after c
Spelling’s crucial for being well-bread”
“When the people of Sodom I smote,”
Said the Lord, “I told Lot to take note:
When your wife hears their cries,
On the road keep her eyes;
But she’s salt, for she turned back to gloat.”
“We will throw all our shit in the moat,
For I’m king, and you don’t get a vote,”
Said His Highness one day,
“We don’t wash anyway;
Of the smell we will barely take note.”
Way back in the munth ov July
I held up my banner reel hi
I karefully wrote
“All u folks pleeze take note:
Bad Spellers!! We yall must UNTIE”
“When I hit that Wagnerian note,”
Said Brunhilde, “That’s when they emote.
When the audience hears
That high C, it brings tears;
It sure isn’t my horns like a goat.”
A young blacksmith, who sang as he smote,
Took it ill if he struck a bum note.
Notes off key marred his art,
Which dismayed his pure heart,
As he aimed, as in all things, for haute.
Note On Rhymezone: May I suggest ‘WikiRhymer’ as an alternative which only offers pure rhymes – mostly.
The anthem that Francis Scott wrote
Screws the diaphragm, lungs, and the throat.
As I reached way up there
For “the rockets’ red glare”
I sprained *everything* hitting that note.
She used to be feeble, and small,
Healing Ruth Bader Ginsburg their call,
The doctors succeeded,
In doing what’s needed,
She now appears younger, and tall.
Promoting this theory’s uncouth,
It can’t be considered the truth,
Until colleagues take note,
And publicly quote:
“There is something quite fishy with Ruth.”
(better)
It’s it’s when you mean that it is
It”s its when it’s hers or it’s his
But make no mistake
When you need a nice break
It’s ain’t and you’ll still pass this quiz
I’ve heard rumors, and now I shall quote:
“When he strums, it sounds just like a goat”
So don’t be alarmed
I shall leave you unharmed
Cuz my tune will consist of one note
My owner’s a really nice guy
He’s gentle and kind, (can’t deny)
When he commands me to “Lay”
I never obey
And won’t budge till he tells me to “Lie”
Re-Upped because I realised that the last line didn’t scan. Long layoff, I’m rusty, I guess.
A young blacksmith, who sang as he smote,
Took it ill if he struck a bum note.
Notes off key marred his art,
Which dismayed his pure heart;
He was aiming, in all things, for haute.
In limericks the structured conditions
May involve words with odd definitions
For expositions of wit
Infinitives are split,
And lines ended with prepositions.
When Kirk said, “To boldly go”
In the original Star Trek intro,
The adverb inserted
Left some disconcerted,
Thinking the writers ought better know.
It’s been found there’s a real low percent
Of people whose learned intent
Is to speak the right way
Thus, I sadly must say
That the days of good grammar are went
The young man was handed a note
Check here, if you’re registered to vote
Voting wasn’t on his mind
Felt he waisted his time
Stuffed it inside an unusual tote
He hit himself with a large hammer
“cause” it took to long too learn grammar
His head was swoll
Twice the size of a bowl
Wobble from side to side, he stammer
I was getting quite fat eating rye
And I just couldn’t understand why.
Then I saw a footnote:
“You may be subject to bloat
If instead of boiling you fry.”
Grammar?
There was an old fellow called Sandom
Who’s speech, it was really quite random.
His words were all jumbled
And speech, it was mumbled
So you never could quite understand him.
Some action takes place on a boat
The lyrics, I’m sure Gilbert wrote
A theme most piratical
His lines ungrammatical
But the music is worthy of note
At first, I just thought I would “purr”
When a card came from dear “hubby” Kerr
Which said, “Dear darling, Kate
All this traveling’s great
I miss you, and wish you were her”
She’s left me, just left a note
Says I’m lazy and smell like a goat
But what really hurts
That I’ve run out of shirts
Full trash cans and where’s the remote?
English grammar? We had it down pat.
We did drills till it all was old hat.
Teacher said, “Mind these rules,
Or you’ll sound like dang fools!”
Ain’t no way I should oughta do that.
For All Of Us Who Have Worked In An Office:
I tied her up tight by the throat
Till she looked like a petrified goat
That takes care of “Boss Sludge”
“The Infamous Nudge”
Who can no longer post a damn note
Some political pollsters promote
The positions they WISH folks would vote
For instead of restricting
Their role to PREDICTING.
(Their track record’s poor, I might note.)
Those old scolds who incessantly yammer
About other folks’ syntax and grammar
Should just give it a rest
(Leave their views unexpressed)–
Or expect to get hit with a hammer.
They’ll Take the High Track and We’ll Take the Low Track ~
Though our grammar came over the ocean
And crossed the great sea with devotion,
We kicked the Brits’ butts
So they say we sound nuts,
Words derailed by some strange low commotion.
Use the Correct Word!
A fort is a place for protection
And typic’ly built with perfection
But forte’s playing loud
By and large for a crowd
And folks: there just ain’t no connection
“Not Guilty” Grammar
My boyfriend was sure in a funk
When the cop said he’s “legally drunk”
So if it is lawful
Then what’s so damn awful?
To me it just sounds like plain bunk
“Flour”
My sister’s poor writing discloses
More flaws anybody composes
Says, “Homophones don’t matter”
Then she serves me a platter
With cake that reminds me of roses.
Mad: above “Flour” limerick: Could you please change line 5 to
With cake that reminds me of roses
Thank You,
Lisi
******
Done.
We got, from the teacher, a note;
To learn a poem by rote.
Ha! A poem of one word,
Is that too absurd?
It’s the longest thing I could quote.
If you’re at sea in a runabout boat,
There’s one thing that you should note:
Though you can go “Hell for Leather”,
Keep and eye on the weather;
Big waves and you’ll not stay afloat.
There’s one thing the King didn’t note
When he built a big sea-going boat:
Though sturdy and strong,
One thing was wrong,
There is no canal from the moat.
Eyeing pictures of Trump you will note
That his demeanour is always of gloat.
Smug and self-satisfied,
Even though he has lied,
To others, his demeanour’s of Goat.
a better one than before
I was caught very viciously strangling
A man with whom I had a wrangling
His grammar was dire
I began to perspire
When his participle started dangling
With his short stubby Sharpie, Trump wrote
An alternative storm track. “Take note:
‘Bama’s gonna get hit.
They’re in really deep shit!”
(With the rest of us in the same boat.)
Liars to queens ought to note
When done in the past, and I quote
‘The punishment for treason
Whatever the reason,
A trip to the Tower by boat’
“A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality”
Sounds like the Bard had read a Nostradamus prediction and wrote about ‘Britain Boris’ and the ‘bone spur kid’.
In Maine, where you need a warm coat,
She solved crimes on a lighthearted note.
Can you guess who I mean?
On her stories I’m keen:
Mrs. Fletcher, in “Murder, She Wrote.”
I l-l-lithp and altho I thtammer,
Which d-d-d-doethn’t help with my grammar.
I’m d-d-d-dythlexic ath well
So G-G-G-God go to Hell,
Heth hit me with a triple whammer.
Intelligible version…
I lisp and also I stammer,
Which doesn’t help with my grammar.
I’m dyslexic as well
So God go to Hell,
He’s hit me with a triple whammer.
If you want to create an impression,
Take up grammar; attend ev’ry session.
If you’re ugly, poor, dwell
In a hut and you smell,
Fine! But stick to your grammar profession!
I see newspaper grammar mistakes
So many, my cranium aches.
It’s turned into a sort
Of a piss-me-off sport.
Not the news, but reporters are fakes!
The Orchestra’s Secret
One instrument plays the first note
So that others can tune theirs and gloat
Then they fly to the sky
Without having to try
Making sounds to which I can emote.
What’s that instrument? Are you a whiz?
Or can you not answer this quiz?
What’s wrong? Are you dodo?
A wandering hobo?
The answer is OBOE, it is!
It’s the one that’s least likely to change
Its “A” KEY in the four forty range
If you ever were taught
About music a lot
Then it really is not very strange!
Sometimes weather conditions can screw it
Changed humidity’s known to undo it
You can tune like a saint
It’s like matching up paint
So you know that there ain’t nothing to it!
If you sing or play music, please be
Kind enough to not do it off-key
So just keep the right note
Or I’ll strangle your throat
Which may end up afloat in the sea.
If you’re hunting and you try to troat
Be prepared and do hit the right note
‘Cause the last thing you need
Is, get mounted and bleed
If a buck tries to breed through your coat.
Use The Right Verb!! (Teacher’s Critique)
“I find your report quite amusing
Since I noticed that you have been choosing
Some words which don’t fit
So, John, please omit
That “Time travel is was confusing”
My New Jersey to Chicago “Incorrect Word” Experience
When you MARRY, you both are inflamed
When you’re MARY, you have a nice name
But don’t get too MERRY
In Chicago, it’s very
Annoying: they all sound the same
(Mary Christmas)
Grammar Brain Freeze
Dear Smiley Face, you’re sure okay
You are cheerful and happy and gay
Here’s a note to say “thanks”
Cuz the times I draw blanks
You help me with nothing to say.
We noticed a serious note
On which “Doc” Zoo explicitly wrote:
“Give 12 buckets of tea
And real quickly you’ll see
That you’ve cured your giraffe’s bad sore throat”
Just noticed that “inflamed” doesn’t rhyme with “same”
Here is another try:
Use The Right Word In The Mid-West !!
When you MARRY, you feel that “wild flame”
When you’re MARY, you have a nice name
But don’t get too MERRY
In Chicago, it’s very
Annoying; they all sound the same
(Mary Christmas!)
An Essay On “Fort” And “Forte”
A fort is a place for protection
And typic’ly built with perfection
But forte’s playing loud
Before a large crowd
And folks: There is just no connection
So I’ll see you the 15th. of May
Cuz tomorrow, I’m going away
To learn the bassoon
And play a nice tune
Since my forte is to play it forte
Grammar Lesson: “Unique”
If something is truly unique
It’s one of a kind at its peak
Not “very” or “quite”
Thus, learn how to write
Using proper and perfect technique
Some may cry, “You Abuse!”
If there isn’t a word you can use
And you make up your own,
To finish your koan,
Where all others would simply confuse.
Words morph over time…
Pride is no longer a “crime”.
What you might say
In Shakespeare’s day,
Today might just not be fine.
All adjectives, Johnny, are easy!
Relax, and stop getting all queasy!
I’ll write down a few
And they all describe you:
You’re “disgusting” and “smelly” and “sleazy”
An ermine is really a stoat
It’s put on the edge of a coat
How many need skinning
For use as a trimming
To clothe the people of note?
In the Bible, I first read the quote
‘See clearly to cast out the mote
from the eye of another’
(it could be your brother)
Lose the beam, you might read this note
On the beach I found an old note
That had been in a bottle, afloat.
It said, “I need to be saved,
For I am being enslaved,
With chains round my wrists and my throat”.
When it comes to poems and verse,
Grammatical rules are no curse,
For they’re simply ignored,
Instead of deplored,
Which makes the end better not worse.
If you place a bet on the tote
Rather use coin than a note
Don’t behave like a rookie
Better odds with a bookie
And the chance of increasing your float
If in grammar, you want to excel
Try synonyms; they can work well
If at times, you’re confused
They are words you can use
In place of the ones you can’t spell
Mad: above limerick:
L4 should be: They are words which are USED
Can you please change that for me?
Thank You, Lisi
When Moses didn’t have use of a boat
He took his rod and he smote
Some waves, which then parted
The Exodus started
(The Commandments, he got in a note)
People say “If you didn’t vote, then you don’t have a right to complain”
(My rebuttal)
Here is something I’d like to explain
(And it doesn’t take much of a brain)
Americans note!!
I went out to vote
But I still have a right to complain.
I feel that my life’s not complete
If all of my chores I don’t meet
So I put in my tote
A critical note:
“Eat. Sleep. Take your pills. Then repeat.”
If you hear someone say, “That’s unique”
It means “one of a kind” at its peak
It’s not “very” or “quite”
Not one adverb is right
And that is the “unique technique”
Gobbledygook?
“We were just running an errand.”
Demonstrates past-participle and gerund
Also, (in a sense),
A pluperfect tense
And agentive role in that errand.
A rigid grammarian, Guy,
Claims that HE knows what’s right, also why.
“It’s subjective, you see,
Not objective like ‘me’.”
So me poked this guy right in his ‘I’.
“Stollen” (traditional Christmas fruit and nut bread)
I ate some traditional stollen
My abdomen then felt quite swollen
So I called Doctor Grammar
(And so calm, without clamor)
Said, “Let’s take a look at your colon”
possessive pronouns before gerunds!!
My darling, I know what you’re thinking
Do not say “I can’t stand you drinking”
To be rightly expressive
Please use the possessive
And tell me “I can’t stand YOUR stinking”
With Who? or With Whom? I’m aware
That grammar is hard, (I sure swear)
I saw you with Merle
Then the next night with Pearl
With WHO WHOM did you have an affair?
Me kent all dem WORDS u unite
an laud em me does —wit delight…
tho yourn grammars be off
i ain’t never shall scoff:
Cuz ta I; Yawl is englishing right
“Second person familiar,” said I
To my student. “Now give it a try.”
She used thou, thee and thine
And her grammar was fine ―
As I rested my hand on her thy.
My knowledge, at last, is complete!
And now I am truly elite!
Needed just one more word
To be crowned “Grammar Nerd”
“OXYMORON” !! (Oh how bittersweet)
Trump takes a rhetorical hammer
To bash any semblance of grammar.
We hope what he says
As a future ex-Prez
Draws laughs from his mates in the slammer.
a better version of “IT’S”
It’s it’s when you mean that it is
It’s its when it’s hers or it’s his
But take a nice break
If you make a mistake
Don’t get yourself into a tiz
A nasty old parrot named Gus
Gets mixed-up when he starts to fuss.
His words are amiss;
Like, “You can ass my kiss”
And he’s “crapping the kick” out of us.
Both sides of the pond need to vote
To remove all the leaders that gloat
It won’t happen we know
They’ll make sure it’s not so
So we’ll have a Trump BoJo of note!
Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain
With grammar. Good liquor I stoutly maintain
Will help me escape
Accusations of rape
Of our language whilst I’m still not insane.
(With apologies to Oliver Goldsmith’s She Stoops to conquer)
Those “Cliff Notes” all try to “condense”
But this part just didn’t make sense:
“Scrooge then got haunted
And terribly taunted
By the famed ghost of Christmas past tense”
I came home and found a strange note
On which my dear wife, Mary, wrote:
“PETA meets here today
Put the dishes away
And then go and hide my mink coat”
An immigrant just off the boat,
In this era of Trump, oughta note:
If you’re not a Caucasian,
Or maybe an Asian,
You better be able to float.
Grammarians, please take a note.
Don’t treat me like some poor scrote.
Don’t holler or yammer
And don’t diss the grammar
Of this limerick wot I have wrote.
Mad : above limerick: Before it was finished, I didn’t press “Submit”
but for some reason it went into your blog !!
Could you please delete it and I’ll try the write the WHOLE one?
Thank You, Lisi
********
Done.
Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane?
Its such a magnificent plan
To visit the island’s Japan!
What’s That? Go and Hide!
Someones just crept inside
Oh Help! Its APOSTROPHE MAN !!
My dad teaches English because
He follows “grammatical laws”
And each Christmas day
With presents I play
From Santa Subordinate Clause
Not a rat, weasel nor stoat
Would qualify for my vote.
Trump seems to me
To encompass all three,
Therefore no vote you will note.
A Further Revision And A Late New One.
A young blacksmith, who sang as he smote,
Took it ill if he struck a bum note.
Notes off key marred his art,
Which dismayed his pure heart;
For he aimed, as in all things, for haute.
Said the man, who was feeling his oats,
“I have here, in my hand, several notes.”
Said the lass, ‘Cash is dead;
Now we barter instead;
I want four laying hens or two goats.’
We’ve got to get back to the boat
The foghorn has tooted it’s note
For when we go cruising
We’re careful when boozing
Getting pissed at the port, not afloat
Synonyms
If in grammar, you want to excel
Try synonyms! They can work well
Now if you’re confused
They are words that are used
In place of the ones you can’t spell
The opera singer (dumb lass)
Sang so loud, it came out of her ass.
That screeching old goat
Hit a bloody high note
Till the windows all broke, shatt’ring glass.
I is smart and me grammar’s real cool
But some peoples says I’s a big fool
That me brain’s too dang slow
But hell, what does them know?
Thems all thinks me shoulds go back to school.
Little Johnny thought Sally a swan
Oh so pretty to feast eyes upon
So he slipped her a note:
“Come at eight to the boat
By the pier; we’ll emote until dawn.”
“Give me THAT!” teacher hag would command
Yanked the boy’s note right out of his hand
Then she tucked it away
Till the bell rang that day
In her mind she would play what she planned.
Well now, eight o’clock soon rolled around
Johnny boy at the pier made no sound
Then over the hill
Came the cranky old pill
Oh, she felt a big thrill – he was found!
She cried, “Loverboy! I am your lass!”
A cougar she ain’t, just an ass
Bared her breasts with an urge
But a sudden big surge
From the boat did emerge – the whole class!
The next day, the kids started to drool
Couldn’t wait to condemn the old mule
But her pride had all burned
To the ground, and they learned
That she never returned to that school.
Old Noah the perv, you should note,
Would get off in the rain—let me quote:
“Sure, a sprinkle is sweet,
But when beating my meat,
It’s a deluge that’s floating my boat.”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two (actually three) weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 331. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Grip.
Faced with bankruptcy, the bosses
Decided to cut their net losses;
Considered the staff
And cut it by half:
“They’ll just have to bear their own crosses.”