Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TIME or THYME at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 27, 2019)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TIME or THYME at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to INVESTMENT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best INVESTMENT-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on July 28, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 27, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my TIME/THYME-rhyme limerick:
My husband Mark’s cooking? Sublime!
But my kitchen ineptness? A crime!
Don’t believe me? How’s this
For ignorant bliss:
Can’t distinguish paprika from thyme.
And here’s my INVESTMENT-themed limerick:
An investor who frequently strains
Our credulity always maintains
That he’s made lots of bread,
But rumors have spread
That pounds are the guy’s only gains.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Cooking Humor, Food Limerick, Investment Humor, Kitchen Humor, Kitchen Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money & Finance Humor, Money Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Spices Humor, Writing Prompts
His pie made with herbs and key lime
Was disgusting, a culinary crime.
Though the chef’s name was Basil,
His dish failed to dazzle –
In fact, a complete waste of thyme.
They had warned the guy time after time
That to rip off the mob was a crime.
With that truckload of cherries,
He stole his last berries,
And now he is buried in lime.
“Graduate School”
An investment in carpenter ants
Made me think I’d no longer need grants
But checking liquidity
I felt much humidity
Cuz that’s when I peed in my pants
I’m fed up with those out-of-date guests
Who inflict on me time-honoured jests.
Last week, an old bloke
Told a very old joke:
“Jesus saves,” he laughed, “Moses invests!”
My investments were in a bad slump
So I got some great stock tips from Trump
When I checked on my gains
I felt acute pains
It’s a good thing my wife said, “DON’T JUMP!”
“Cardinal Sin”
Oh, the prelate’s illicit investment,
Dealt dodgy and dirty divestment,
His interest departed,
When partner had farted,
And withdrew and put back on his vestment!
The rules of investment are clear
Not as tricky as they might appear
If you’re sinking in money
My advice to you, honey:
The best time to do it’s last year
How well I remember the time
My boyfriend and I watched a mime
When some neighbors objected
And somehow projected
A catapult bucket of slime!
Time was, I could season with thyme
But there’s no time for that, now that I’m
On a deadline, you know
Omigosh, gotta go!
I’ve no thyme and I’ve run out of time!
Some lim’riks are truly sublime
But do not commit this old “crime”
All hom’nyms are great
And some puns are first rate
But avoid using “thyme” to mean “time”
“Scarborough Fair” (from “The Graduate”)
Parsley sage and rosemary and thyme
Are some words in a song, so sublime
But what did these spices
Have to do with the vices
Of Ms. Bancroft who played a real slime?
WARNING! “I just don’t have the thyme”
slight modification
Some lim’riks are truly sublime
But do not commit this “old crime”
Although hom’nyms are great
And some puns are first-rate
Please avoid using “thyme” to mean “time”
THE WAIL OF WALL STREET
— or —
SCREED IS GOOD
To save for retirement these days,
We rely on our 401(k)s.
But the people we trust
To invest (as we must)
Like to fleece us in devious ways.
Chances are that your broker has glossed
Over fees and expenses and cost.
He describes them as small
(But in no time at all,
Huge chunks of your money get lost).
We’ve none of us time to be scholars
Of the market, so nobody hollers
When the loss — over years
Of our working careers —
Mounts to multiple thousands of dollars.
Plus, here’s a conundrum that’s funny:
Let the climate be stormy, or sunny;
Be it bull, be it bear:
Still, your money’s not there
‘Til you sell! Call it Schroedinger’s Money.
So your gains in the market you plot:
You think it’s real money. It’s not.
While you tally in vain
Theoretical gain,
Your broker’s off buying a yacht.
The truth is, although you may feel
That your agent’s small fees are a steal,
The money you make
In the market is fake…
And your broker’s commission is real.
I thought my investment was sound,
But my 404(k) hit the ground.
“Don’t you mean four-oh-one?”
You may ask. Oh, my son:
404 means the File Can’t Be Found.
With a word that’s as crazy as “time,”
I can’t think of a thing that will rhyme.
Like Kilimanjaro,
There’s bound to be sorrow
Attempting so steep of a climb.
World bankers are in for a fall.
And government patsies, et al.
Indictments for crime,
Tribunals give time.
They ought to be flogged this cabal.
I wondered what the Yiddish word “fress” meant–
I wondered where that low-flying pest went.
But most of all–shit!
I have to admit
I wondered why I lost my investment!
A large gin and tonic with lime
May be needed to help pass the time.
For the Donald, I fear,
Still has over a year
To drain swamps and refill them with slime.
“Lame Wannabe”
I rented the Spice Girls on time,
To ply them with lemon and lime,
And offer beef roasted,
And boast that they toasted,
Their host who had run out of thyme!
I sat down to eat in my prime.
I’ve finished my dinner… and I’m
Ninety-three. Now I’m scared
That the sauce I prepared
Was full of the wrong kind of t(hy)me.
“Herbal Essence”
Rosemary, the maid, moaned in rhyme,
“Your Lordship, your seed’s in its prime,
Sell off your large surplus,
Abundant for purpose,
We’ll make a mint, all in good thyme!”
Msg. for Judith H. Block.
Judith H., your limerick is humorous and hilarious.
You, obviously, have the guts and stamina to keep sharing your talent.
I empathize with you and applaud you. 😂🤗👍
Here’s a silly limerick for you:
Judith H., you have punched the time,
I agree that your rhythm’s sublime,
Now, ain’t it a pity,
That life is so sh**ty,
Persevere with hot Bourbon and lime!
Regards,
John Cooney.
Sorry,
Line 1 should read: ……punched IN the time.
“Expensive Lesson”
We invested, we scrimped and we saved,
For our offspring, so badly behaved,
Education! Frustration!
Probation! Migration!
Now, the grandkids are much more depraved!
Every con man alive takes his hat off
To the king of them all, Bernie Madoff.
Except one with such brains,
As Don Junior explains,
That at others, he says, “Me and Dad scoff.”
She and I, in a warm sunny clime,
In a citrus grove had a good time.
‘Neath a fruit-laden tree
She made sweet love with me.
The delight of that day was sub lime.
PRIME DAY LIMERICK
I feel I’m committing a crime
By subscribing to Amazon Prime,
Where the workers must fight
With a quota so tight
That they have to go backwards in time.
It is rare when a “senior’s” depressed
We sing and we dance, and then rest
It’s Bingo each night
Our futures look bright
And for long term, we never invest.
Scarborough Fair was a good time.
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
are just herbs or spice,
but still it is nice
when Kane gifts you an easy time.
His rapist friend rings every chime
so Trump deflects with a hate crime.
Only he can do feats
with his stale racist tweets
and say, “dodged a bullet this time.”
“Senior Bliss”
We seniors all feel “in the prime”
Growing older is sure not a crime
Ev’ry day we all run
(Not really for fun)
But mainly to beat “Father Time”
Morning brain calisthenics sublime,
Is to laugh here with entries so prime.
To read ‘em and write ‘em,
The start-of-day item,
Dementia’s postponed for a time.
We investors are now on the edge
It’s so bad that we must use our Pledge:
“Push no one away
In line you must stay.
Just have patience; you’ll soon reach the ledge”
Growing up was just simply sublime
My father was right all the time
Wanna’ be just like dad
And now I’m so glad
That I’m ma’jring in “Organized Crime”
I’m beginning to think it’s time
I won an award for my rhyme
But I have to impress
The ultimate poetess
( Toadyism isn’t a crime).
“So, big deal! I watch TV when I’m
Resting up in the day. That’s a crime?
But at night, when I’m tweeting,
My brain overheating,
I oughta get paid overtime!”
He poured liquor in a glass
Then tried to place his bet last
It was such a long line
That he ran out of time
Ended up with his foot in a cast
A fellow was biding his time,
As he struggled with rhythm and rhyme.
In the end he gave up
And refilled his cup;
The tequila, at least, was sublime.
“My friends, you all need to invest
In American coal – it’s the best!
Global warming, pollution …
Don’t need no solution –
That old Chinese hoax? Not impressed!”
Three weeks before fourth of July,
The fireworks producer did try
To calm big investor
By making this gesture:
“Sales will skyrocket soon to the sky.”
To play with great globules of slime,
Which soon get embedded in grime,
The kids all insist
Is hard to resist,
But I say it’s wasting their time.
If someone’s cut off in their prime,
Does that mean they’ve run out of time,
And on last descent
They have been and went,
Or started the ultimate climb?
“Gamblers Anonymous”
A straight pair, bluffed by a knave broker,
Invested “all-in” with this joker,
They folded, so blue,
As he raised their house too,
To flush down the jacks at stud poker!
“The new crypto named Bitcoin,” said Lee.
“Just pennies, soon thousands, you’ll see.”
“You’re dreaming,” I said,
“Made a sure bet instead.
Bought Enron, and Madoff, and Boesky.”
“Stud Up”
“My word is my bond”, says my broker,
He kids me, ya know, he’s a joker,
“Advance me a cheque,
For a sure thing”. Ah, feck!
He bankrupted me at stud poker!
p.s.: “Cheque” is the English for “Check”.
😂😡🇮🇪
“Senior Solutions”
It’s now fall, so we turn back the time
I think I’ll do something sublime!
Turn back clocks 50 years
Have a drink and say “Cheers”
And Voila! I’ll be back in my prime!
“Investments Are Us”
This investment ad seems kind of funny
I want you to look at it, Honey
Please come here and see
The sign says that “We
Will make cents out of all of your money”
I’ve been looking for doctors in town
Who might help me get rid of my frown
I am simply a wreck
With this pain in my neck
Watching stock prices go up and down
Oh Wow! Have you noticed the time?
(Gettin’ ready to feel in my “prime”)
It is now wine o’clock
And I’m ready to rock
At this hour I feel just sublime!
Correction Of Previous Limerick !!!
Some people say “Gambling’s a sin
Never give that Roulette wheel a spin”
Yet investing in stocks
Gave me so many knocks
But in Vegas, at least I might win.
Chef’s seasoning addiction was considered a crime
He learned that life could change on a dime
Caught on camera
He was sent to the slammer
And suffers embarrassment for “doing” thyme
God made Adam, strong, forceful, a brute,
And then Eve, demure, shapely, and cute.
He gestured in mime,
Then boomed, “Don’t waste time,
You’re created to share attribute.”
If you want to make America Great
Don’t do it banking on hate.
Do it with love,
Not a bomb but a dove,
Or ex-President will be your fate.
“Cold Creature”
There once was an old guy who said,
To his sexy young wife, so well bred;
“Wait up for me, honey,
Invest all our money,
In cryonics, as soon as I’m dead!”
“You can trust me to grow your portfolio,”
Said the broker, “It’s not my first rodeo.”
And who could resist him?
He had a great system:
To buy when the moon is in Scorpio.
“Getting Up For Work” (ugh)
My alarm’s set for 6 “on the dime”
I always make sure of the time
But sometimes I cheat
And stay under the sheet
Cuz 6:05 feels so sublime
“Boston Bud Party”
At “Cheers” up in Faneuil Hall,
Nobody knew my name at all,
I spent my last dime,
And woke up in time,
To change my wet sox, I wecall!
The morning at 6 is sublime
It is when we all feel “in our prime”
But we’re even more sturdy
On the dot of 6:30
HANDS DOWN! It is sure the best time
“What’s a Stock Broker” (asked my dear son)
“I heard it’s a job that’s real fun”
I said, “It’s a brute
Who takes all your loot;
And invests it until there is none.”
Mad: above limerick: I made a mistake in L5
I typed “And invests it until it is gone”
It is supposed to be ” And invests it until there is none”
Could you please change that for me?
Thank You,
Lisi
*********
Done.
We “seniors” went shopping in Lyme
Found a clock store that looked just sublime
We searched ev’ry aisle
Alas, all the while
Weren’t able to buy us some time
There are times when I can’t comprehend
Investments and what I should spend
Cuz what really sucks
Is continuous flux
And damn charts that are on the downtrend
“Second Version”
There are times when I can’t comprehend
Investments and what I should spend
Cuz what really sucks
Is continuous flux
And those charts on a trip to “Downtrend”
Her stomach’s been tying in knots
Since having nightmarish thoughts
You can bet a weeks wages
It was men’s appendages
Protruding from legs of their shorts
If your mans in a sweat
You can bet there’s a threat
When he claims that he’s only been jogging
The dirty old sod’s not been on his tod
He’s been in the park trying dogging
‘Dogging’
British English slang term for engaging in public sex while others watch
Message for John Shardlow:
Very humorous John 😂. I dare not say ever again that I live like a dog!!
What do think of this definition-
Flogging:
British English term for stealing priceless artefacts from all over the commonwealth to display in their beautiful museums.
(How dare one make such a dastardly accusation. We merely acquired these and, therefore, we own them!!!!)
(I love your sneakers, so give ‘me to me now. They are mine. I am British and superior.)
“Bonnie Prince Charlie”
My Bonnie lies over the ocean,
She swears that the moon gives it motion,
Methinks it a crime,
For she fibs all the time,
She the man who caused caused awful commotion!
Apologies:
Line 5 has “caused” repeated in error.
My mistake.
“She the man who caused constant commotion!”
I’ll re-post the whole attempt.
“Bonnie Prince Charlie”
My Bonnie lies over the ocean,
She swears that moon gives it motion,
Methinks it a crime,
That she fibs all the time,
She the man who caused constant commotion!
Update to previous limerick (to improve the meter)
Chef’s seasoning addiction’s a crime.
So sad his life changed on a dime.
Caught on camera,
Sent to the slammer
He’s so embarrassed for “doing” thyme.
“Foreign Policy”
“Do not cross my herbaceous borders”,
Says Trump to non-gringo marauders,
The grass, labelled “Thyme”,
Will pass through, in time,
But for good shit, you place on-line orders!
“Foreign Policy”
“Do not cross my herbaceous borders”,
Says Trump, to non-gringo marauders,
“The grass, labelled ‘Thyme’,
Will pass through, in time,
But, for good shit, you place on-line orders!”
Her shape’s her key trait, we’re conditioned;
For a role as our mate, she’s auditioned.
On women through time,
Men think, “Fat is a crime;
It depends, though, on where it’s positioned.”
“Market Change”
“What to buy today, new ‘stock’ or ‘share’?”
Asked the mad raging ‘bull’ of the ‘bear’,
She replied: “Not a clue,
Honey! I fancy you,
Should wear ‘Brut’ and de-horn and go bare!”
Apologies.
July 17, 7.09 p.m. attempt correction.
The word “the” omitted in error in line 2:
She swears that THE moon gives it motion.
Choosing one broker from the rest
Is certainly unnerving at best.
The casual dressed lad
May not be half bad
But select one in suit and in vest.
“Dyskriminashion”
A dyslexic child, I lost Monoperly,
And kannot keep tabs on my property,
A societal crime,
I get screwed all the time,
By con men, I mean, and not properly!
“Good News. Bad News”
The Apple shares swiftly imploded,
Orange you glad I offloaded,
Your lot to a lemon,
By twenty past seven,
While your shares in Scrap Metal corroded!
“Shambolic Economics”
When it costs much more money to mint,
A cent than it’s worth, then we’re skint,
Though, I don’t care a dime,
The great crime of our time,
Is a dollar’s much cheaper to print!
My financial advisor put me
In a pyramid scheme (for a fee).
I wised up, dropped a dime,
And he’s now doing time.
In the end, though, I’m broker than he.
My investments are simply not thriving
And I’m having much trouble surviving
Yet the stock market pool
Keeps ev’ry one cool
And has won a gold medal for diving
Sneered the Donald, “Dear ladies, it’s time
To go back to your countries of crime
Where criminals rule.
Puerto Rico? You fool!
Who’s President there? … You say I’m?”
My broker? There’s nobody wiser!
(So smart, just the world’s best adviser)
When Viagra appeared
I jumped and I cheered
And invested my money in Pfizer
You can hold them with both of your pinkies
These treats are sure NOT rinky dinkies
So remember the past
You just know how they last
And invest all your money in Twinkies
He promised a fortune I’d make
Trusting him was a huge mistake
I lost every cent
Down the drain it went
Duped by a double dealing snake
“Version Two”
Growing up was just simply sublime
My father was right all the time
Just admired my dad
And now I’m so glad
That I’m also in “Organized Crime”
Reply and thanks to John Cooney
An Englishman always seeks
When abroad, to invest in antiques
Stole Grecian marvels
There’re now Elgin Marbles
Our rule then and now, ‘finder’s keeps’!
On Andrew Marvell’s “To his Coy Mistress”
If they’d had enough world and time,
Her coyness, he wrote, were no crime.
But time’s chariot neared,
Or so Marvell feared;
So he begged for her favors, in rhyme.
Reply to John Shardlow.
L.O.L. 🤣🤗👍 Just saw your message and funny limerick now.
John, thanks for positive response. I had feared that I might have upset you.
Your “Finder Keeps” limerick is hilarious.
Here’s another go at my neighbours:
“Rule Britannia”
We ruled the waves for generations,
We fought to protect smaller nations,
We conquered and raped,
Usurped and escaped,
Proud empi-er, poor at relations!
“Disposable Proposal”
“It’s a case of ‘supply’ and ‘demand’!”
I told her fat Dad, who’s so grand,
And incredibly posh,
(Wipes his ass with spare dosh),
“I demand you supply the girl’s hand!”
“Proposal Disposal”
“It’s a case of ‘supply’ and ‘demand’!”
I informed her old man, who was grand,
(A tad stuffy and posh,
Wipes his ass with soft dosh,)
I demand you supply the whore’s hand!”
He invested wisely, dear old dad
I find it incredibly sad
And so unfair
Now he’s in care
He’s losing every penny he had
She was having a ball, ‘twas sublime
Come midnight, bells began to chime
Off she flew
Lost her shoe
Catching her coach in the nick of time.
Be astute when investing your wages
The Exchange is a place that “enrages”
There’s no safety in numbers
And nobody slumbers
(Just look at the stock market pages)
“How To Stay Happy And Rich”
Well, here’s a good way to prevent
Wasting money and be real content
Try investing in booze
You’ve got nothing to lose
And at least you will get a percent
A cook from the city of Lyme
Tried to finish a meal by lunchtime.
She started to dice
And chop the last spice,
But alas, then she ran out of thyme.
Correction of Bad Grammar!
Now here’s a good way to prevent
Wasting money that shouldn’t be spent
Try investing in booze
You’ve not nothing to lose
And at least, you will get a percent
The bodacious, hot cutie from Lyme,
Exhibited attributes prime.
She could not get enough
Of that fun carnal stuff.
“Many men, and there’s such tittle lime.”
(So arrest me for bending the rules.)
Parsley, sage, and rosemary and lime
Might taste good on a steak that is “prime”
However, the fruit
May just cause a dispute
So instead, why not use some fresh thyme?
When hookers are way past their prime
And punters only paying a dime
They can give more relief
By removing their teeth
(Less risk of stitches in time)
I’m emotional during my time,
And I sob at the drop of a dime.
I was wailing when nailed;
Now I’m wailing while jailed.
I-I’m putting the cry-y in crime.
The temperature’s starting to climb
As humanity runs out of time.
The survivors of trouble
Will live in a bubble
With Netflix and Amazon Prime.
I have given up wasting my time
In the search for that one perfect rhyme.
Literati raise hell
But most people can’t tell.
And the slant rhymes I choose work out fine.
Fair to say it was time after time,
Simon tried for an herbaceous rhyme.
When he finally said “Uncle,”
His sous-chef, Garfunkel
Blended parsley and sage with some thyme.
“Do the Crime or Do the Thyme”
Don’t ever dare launder your money,
The F.B.I. ain’t at all funny,
Instead, invest time,
In dill and in thyme,
You wash it and taste it, it’s yummy!
“Crooked Little Man”
“Invest in this bond, a no-brainer”,
Said my broker, who earns a retainer,
“Returns exponentially,
Accruing eventually,
But, first, you just sign the disclaimer!”
To create pasta sauce that’s sublime,
Correct seasoning usage is prime.
Basil adds to the blend,
Plus, oregano, friend;
And remember, good sauces take thyme.
When I opened my brokerage account
I thought stock yields would flow like a fount.
Should have guessed, cause my broker
Was nicknamed Bram Stoker —
He’s sucked down the whole damn amount!
Kate Harrison, Berkeley’s city counsel twit;
Wrote a bill to outlaw natural gas, the dumb shit!
Berkeley’s 30% 2020 emissions reduction is out of time,
The plan for 80% reduction by 2050 is an honesty crime,
Her legislating job she should definitely quit!
Her plan is a smoke and mirror switch;
No more natural gas, use electricity is the hitch;
She thinks this change is an investment,
But on emissions this won’t make a dent,
Her plan is at best purely BULLSHIT!
Stop natural gas and use electric in their city?
A liberal arts degree for her position is a pity!
This financial investment for their city is cruel,
Those generating their electricity will be the fool,
Because their increased emissions will be sucking hind titty.
“Not in my backyard” is Berkeley’s selfish scheme;
But mega electricity generating plants will make others scream;
These generating plants will ferment,
A huge CO2 increase investment,
Reducing emissions by force is just a wet dream!
For fighting climate change;
Berkeley is in a state of derange;
Pissing away the investment,
Is pissing away their commitment,
This whole idiocy is worse than just strange!
“INVEST!” the financial guy rants.
I would, if I just had the chance;
But I’ve checked, and “invest”
I’ve twelve cents. And the rest?
Seven dollars, “incoat” and “inpants”.
The Dow Jones and S&P fell
My investments were not doing well
I did not get the blues
Cuz I just had to use
My procedure called, “Panic & Sell”
“Don’t invest all your money, dear Tommy
Rainy days might just come” (said my mommy)
So I did what she said
And I’m still in the red
Cuz I didn’t expect a tsunami
Tweeds with sneakers? Have you no class
There’s no tread, you’ll slip on the grass
Invest in some hikers
Brogues, or some bikers
Use them for kickin’ some ass
“Invest in yourself,” it’s the rules.
“Education will give you life tools.”
If our goal’s to know bliss,
Surely we could find this,
Without going to all of those schools.
When the muse is upon me, then I’m
Concocting fresh verses that rhyme;
But every new ballad
Droops like an old salad,
Just thyme after thyme after thyme.
The investments that pay off are not
What traditional wisdom has taught;
This wide-open field
Offers maximum yield,
Where the smart money’s going to pot.
My brother is totally manic
No wonder he’s starting to panic
Cuz what kind of jerk
Calls his broker from work
And invests in a stock called “Titanic?”
Now Wall Street’s designed something new —
Like a 401(k) — called “4(q)”.
Step One is, they take
Ev’ry cent that you make;
And Step Two… well, there is no Step Two.
There’s no “Present” (It’s truly a crime)
Not one moment can stop “on a dime”
One second goes by
In the blink of an eye
And right then it’s another damn time
a slight modification of above limerick:
There’s no “Present” (It’s truly a crime)
Not a moment can stop “on a dime”
Just one second goes by
In the blink of an eye
Right away, it’s another damn time
Investing in toilet’s the key
To success, and I’m sure you’ll agree
Cuz no matter the place
There are times you must race
To the potty and make a pee pee
Pete and Pam, perfect partners in crime,
Swindled suckers galore in their prime.
They attained great acclaim
In the Thiefs’ Hall of Fame
But today, they are serving hard time.
On Black Monday (the stock market crash)
All my money went POOF–in a flash!
I believed I’d acquired
All the money required
To retire—yet, I’m now slinging hash
(Had a dream about terrible crime)
I must tell you; it felt just sublime
See, I put Trump in jail
And the warden said, “Hail”
Then I made the front cover of “Time”
Second Version
I dreamed ’bout a terrible crime
It was scary, yet truly sublime
See, I put Trump in jail
And he started to wail
Then I made the front cover of “Time”
My pal said, “Just give it a try:
Invest and you’ll get a real high”
He said, “Money talks”
But mine only squawks
And the one word it knows is “Good-Bye”
Our election was intense
Not to mention the massive expense
Wall St. cried “Trump”
Will eliminate slump”
Now who is to question good sense?
(fixing previous limerick)
Our election was very intense
Not to mention the massive expense
Investors cried, “Trump
Will get rid of the slump”
(And Wall Street just always makes sense)
“Fool Britannia”
Boris, the brash troublemaker,
Is Johnson, P.M., cabinet maker,
A curse of our time,
Watch out, as the slime,
Legs it to Brexit; deal breaker!
“Invest in yourself,” it’s the rules.
“Education will give you life tools.”
There is: “Be,” “Have” and “Do;”
We are taught the last two,
But find “Be” on our own, not in schools.
“Southern Comfort”
“Hell, money don’t grow on no tree”,
Say(s) the Arkansas crow to the bee,
“If ya gots ta invest,
Y’all feather yoah nest,
With twigggs ‘n some grahsss – it awl free!
Oops. Sorry. Quotation marks omitted, in error, at end.
To Bill Pfeil:
Very clever, Bill. I like your “Invest in yourself” limerick.
🤗👍
“Instant Prophet”
Penn ‘n Teller are loaded with skill,
To help you your fortune fulfil,
Cross their palm(s) with a dime,
And, voilà, in no time,
They’ll cough up a ten dollar bill!
Said my grandpa, “Forget about stocks;
Put your money in bagels and lox.
You can make lots of mammon
By smoking a salmon;
My boy, opportunity knocks.”
This book has no reason or rhyme
Just read ‘A brief history of thyme’
The rubbish he’s talking
Who is Stephen Hawking?
No mention of herbs, what a crime
An investor is feeling quite fine
As the market continues to shine:
“With these stocks, I’ll succeed.
I’ll get rich, guaranteed!”
(It’s October, 1929.)
I explained to my real naive son
“There are bad guys who don’t even run
Cuz most of the time
When it’s “white collar” crime
All they pack is a gold staple gun”
Fighters hardened fists using brine
The Greeks rubbed their bodies with thyme
To be like the Duke or Arnie
Have a soak with ‘un Bouquet Garni’
A treatment that will stiffen the spine
“Instant Prophet” (adjusted)
Penn says:”Teller is loaded with skill,
To help you your fortune fulfil,
Cross his palm with a dime,
And, voilà, in no time,
He’ll cough up a ten dollar bill!”
I sneaked this one past Mad under the theme ‘spice’.
Maybe she won’t notice it’s a repeat.
I’m just off the ward feeling fine
But that matron’s a bit of a swine
That green herb colonic
She gives as a tonic
Means that I’m still just passing the thyme.
Buy these stocks for unlimited wealth
Claims the broker who sits by a shelf
Stocked high with sales books,
Likely written by crooks.
Don’t “buy” it; just “take” stock…of yourself.
“Tour Over Overture”
I’ll chance Tour de France one last time,
Then, avoid my team’s peddling crime,
Lest the hosts get annoyed,
When they find the steroid,
That propels me uphill on the climb!
“A New Rhyme Scheme”
We all had a wonderful time
When we went to see “I Am A Mime”
His sign said, “I’m Fred”
And here’s what he said:
“Soft Mint”
Willy’s wonky mints sat in a bowl,
A depraved one went out of control,
She cried: “I am ‘Polo’,
I only work solo”,
And made quite a mint on her hole!
Very clever, Lisi.
(I missed the last line, it’s in mime!)
“Public Disgrace”
How dare you! How could You? – so rude!
And in public, you’re lewd and you’re nude,
It’s very high time,
That you offer a rhyme,
That’s polite; cut the shite; be subdued!
“Born to Kill”
The wrath of Cain showed he was able,
To gain upper hand over Abel,
And still, it’s a crime,
That we kill all the time,
So it’s prevalence proves us unstable!
The teacher gave “C” for his rhymes.
Then “D” for his metrical crimes.
“You often exaggerate,
And numbers inflate.
I’ve told you this millions of times.”
(An “F” to the teacher for truth.)
I saw my Internist today
And here is what he had to say:
“Your stress test now shows
Your anxiety grows
Due to nosedive of 401 K”
I made my son Johnny aware
Of the market and meaning of “share”
I read him this creed:
“Your broker will feed
You all of the BULL you can BEAR”
At first I was feeling much strife
Till my broker told me and my wife:
“If he smokes and he drinks
And eats junk till he sinks
He’ll be rich for the rest of his life”
Yummy spices are truly sublime
Try this one on meat that is “Prime”
You can buy it or grow
Either way you will know
That the lemony taste must be thyme
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
In Congress, some cheered, “Mueller time!”
Yet to hear him was far from sublime.
He seemed “long in the tooth,”
But delivered this truth:
Obstruction by Trump was a crime.
In the market some folks try their luck
When hoping to make a big buck.
But I’d rather play poker
Than buy from a broker
And hear him explaining, “Oh f*ck.”
I’m now many years past my prime.
At my age, some folk tire of the climb.
But I’m younger than Bernie,
So it’s clear that my journey
May continue for quite a long time.
“Larry David Fat?!!! Wah! Wah! Wah!”
Larry David was issued an iftā,
For his whimsical Musical, ‘Fatwā’,
But, the mufti, in time,
Suspended the crime,
With the infidel due for a BAFTA!
“The Account Cleaner”
The voice on the phone said: “I wonda,
Can you confirm Bank Account numba?
We do long distance crime,
And we don’t got much time,
So, the soona the betta, don’t slumba!”
“Chemo-kill Reaction”
My attending nurse caused some confusion,
When she prepped me today for infusion,
Though the mix turned to slime,
I’d a hell of a time,
For she dropped a few shots in transfusion!
EDITED! Please delete previous version.
It seems to be almost a crime,
I’ve got the right rhythm and rhyme.
But despite my endeavor,
I’m just not that clever.
I should win, it’s about f–king time
********
Done.
A belief in creation’s a crime.
In our oceans we started as slime.
Both these are naive,
I’d rather believe,
We existed before space and time.
I am riddled with sorrow and strife
It’s a terrible time in my life
My stocks took a dive
I can barely survive
And what’s worse is I still have a wife
“By any such reason or rhyme,”
Said Cohen, “I committed a crime.
I told Congress lies
Which was rather unwise
As now I’m in jail now doing time.”
The market just crashed (Oh what strife)
I have never felt worse in my life!
I am ready to jump
And it’s all because Trump
Left his wallet home with that damn wife
slight modification in L5 one limerick up:
The market just crashed (Oh what strife)
I have never felt worse in my life
I am ready to jump
And it’s all because Trump
Left his wallet at home with the wife
“Shady Character”
In a Wild West saloon scene one time,
I got shot with bad whisky in lime,
I woke up feeling Grumpy,
Who groped and then thumped me,
I ran outta that town, Anaheim!
I put all my money in stocks
That I kept in a drawer with my socks.
This, my wife and her lover
Were quick to discover;
I should’ve invested in locks.
“dah-dah-DUM” is the meter or time.
Then each line has to end with a rhyme.
Though for this and the next,
Change the rhyme in the text,
And good grammar is helpful, like I’m.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 327. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Bite.