Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SCREEN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 13, 2019)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SCREEN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WIND INSTUMENTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WIND-INSTRUMENT-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on July 14, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 13, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SCREEN-rhyme limerick, which happens to be an acrostic limerick:
She is tiny; at barely five feet,
Her heels swing from a normal-sized seat.
Oh those movies, unseen;
Rangy men block the screen.
Theater’s hopeless; home-viewing is sweet.
And here’s my WIND-INSTRUMENT-themed limerick, which is also an acrostic limerick:
Oh the sound of the oboe is great,
But the reed making makes me irate.
Often reeds that seem fine
End up trashed. (Most of mine!)
So I envy the flute player’s fate.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Height Challenged, Height Humor, Height Poem, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Movies Humor, Music Humor & Verse, Oboe Humor, Oboe Limerick, Oboe Reeds, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
To decipher and know what words mean
Can be hard, as I’m sure you have seen.
There’s a word that I know
Which means “hide,” also “show,”
Contradictory meanings of “screen.”
The doc says, “Disrobe ‘hind the screen,
Now, cough as I search for your spleen,
No need for incision,
My tool’s got precision,
As I come up your rectum” – Obscene!
Soft and smooth as silk,
The sound of Aker Bilk.
He had the audience roar,
Announcing “Strangler Next Door*”
And other jokes of that ilk.
* see Stranger on the Shore
Though the bimbo could play a fine tune,
The size of his dick made her swoon.
“I can blow a guy’s flute
Till he’s ready to shoot,
But I didn’t expect a bassoon.”
“Grasp it firmly with both hands”, he said,
“Now go down on it, lower your head,
Purse your lips, and then blow.
Ah, that’s lovely! Just so!”
… She was learning the flute – you misread?
The hooker decided to vet
Donald’s claim to a “bass clarinet”,
Saying “Call that a dick? Hello!
More like a piccolo!
But high notes I’m happy to get.”
The President watched himself preen
Once again on his huge TV screen.
“Well, I sure showed them Brits
That they don’t count for squits
By walking in front of their Queen.”
When testing young girls for the screen,
Harvey Weinstein would say, “For this scene,
I gotta be sure
You can act like a whore,
So show me – you know what I mean?”
The brass section instruments knew
That their lives were all just about through
They were falling apart
But then Mr. Wind Smart
Went and bought them a nice tuba glue
Mr. Trumpet was kind and was sweet
At rehearsals we always would meet
But I needed much more
And one night at “The Score”
He caught me with Piccolo Pete
I remember when I was fifteen
I would “swoon” for the actors on screen
Ev’ry week I would go
To the Saturday show
And pretend I was Mrs. James Dean
“Mr Trumpet, I want you to know
I feel that it’s time you should go
We have done all that jazz
I shall think of you as
Just somebody I use to blow”
A slightly modified version of limerick #8 (L5)
The brass section instruments knew
That their lives were all just about through
They were falling apart
But then Mr. Wind Smart
Saved their lives with a nice tuba glue
Mosquitoes just laugh at my screen;
They somehow get through it unseen,
And night after night
As they swarm in to bite,
They say “Hey! A blood-donor machine!”
Better
“Mr. Trumpet, I want you to know
I feel that it’s time you should go.
We have played all that jazz
I’ll remember you as
Just a fella’ that I used to blow”
Today I’m betwixt and between
And real stuck in that lim’rik routine
I must choose ev’ry letter
And find something better
Than what I’ve just typed on this screen
Make sure each room window has a screen,
‘Cause those female mosquitoes are mean,
Your arm’s quite a sight
You’re a quite tasty bite-
Your blood’s mosquito gourmet cuisine.
The most valuable thing you can teach
Is when playing the oboe, don’t screech!
The oboe’s tone, heaven sent,
Or it’s a wretched torment,
Play it well, let it sing, I beseech.
My revealing audition on screen,
Aroused the Producer, so keen,
Who had just one question,
Well, more a suggestion,
“Please tell me you’re over sixteen!”
Hidden behind a silk screen.
John watched his neighbour preen
She knew he was there,
But she didn’t care,
John was two and she, a pre-teen.
Bill used to do well in school
But now he’s the grades of a fool.
Now the challenge to wean
Him off of his screen
And have him think that that is cool.
My wife thinks she’s “Lu Lu Von Queen”
She is vain and conceited and mean
She spent one hundred clams
At “La Crap For Madame’s”
On one goddamn jar of sun screen
There once was a man with a screen
whose browse hist’ry was less than pirstine.
ONe day the screen cried,
“Why haven’t I died?!?
His porn face could turn a phone green!”
I used to be good on the sax
But my practice has gotten so lax
With tonguing and fingering
I’ve just been malingering
My horniness slipped through the cracks.
My clarinet’s one of the best
It has gone through a rigorous test
But last night was absurd:
The whole audience stirred
When I aimlessly played on a rest
(A different take on ‘’wind instrument’’)
It’s essential a pilot must heed,
The wind sock direction and speed.
This wind-instrument
Is designed to prevent
Wrong-way landings, a crash guaranteed.
“Susie: age 10”
I opened my laptop and shook
Then I gave it a real funny look
Cuz there on the screen
Were words I’ve not seen
(Mommy told me it’s something called “book”)
In England, a rich baronet
Once purchased a marionette.
“I’ll be favored by kings,”
He said, working the strings,
“If I get it to play clarinet.”
The trumpet is real hard to blow
They’ll be 10 of them in tonight’s show
I’ve forgotten the score
(But I did this before)
I’ll pretend to play; no one will know
Another Version Of “Embarrassed Clarinet Player”
My clarinet’s one of the best
It has stood ev’ry rigorous test
But last night by mistake
I just started to shake
When I soloed and played on a rest
“You’ll never in life get a solo,”
Said the cellist, “by playing the oboe.”
But Prokofiev’s duck
Brought the fellow good luck,
And he answered, “I told you so, Yo Yo.”
I traded my P.C., a has-been,
For Apple’s orange flashy machine,
I click on old nanas,
Who love big bananas,
And get off toot sweet with touch-screen!
Yo Steve,
I chuckled heartily at your clever limerick.
👍🤗John C.
If to Erin’s dear isle you’ve not been,
There’s one sight that needs to be seen,
Jump the lakes of Killarney,
Kiss me ass down in Blarney,
Go view verdant braes up in ‘Screen!
(Lakes of Killarney very popular resort.
Nearly every American visitor kisses the Blarney Stone to achieve “Gift Ó& the gab”.
“The Verdant Braes of Screen” is a folk ballad popular in Northern Ireland.
It refers to the beautiful green hills around Ballinascreen (Irish placename), County Derry, otherwise known as Draperstown, County Londonderry, (both English placenames imposed by planters).
Unfortunately, most people in Ireland never beheld the enthralling sight, let alone hear the lovely song.)
Line 5 amended:
Go and view verdant braes up in ‘Screen!
The string section thinks of the brass
That they’re totally lacking in class.
The woodwinds, meanwhile,
Just sit there and smile;
They’re high on some really good grass.
to John Cooney: thanks!
I love music; you won’t see me quit
I’m embarrassed; I have to admit
Cuz my lovely brass horn
Is so terribly worn
And contains 50 gallons of spit
I must say I love Halloween
“Trick or Treaters” all soap up my screen
You would think I’d be mad
But, in truth I am glad
Cuz at last it is finally clean
This oboe is such a damn curse
My fingers have never felt worse
But size is the key
And it’s just right for me
(Not too big for my new Gucci purse)
We climate deniers are keen
To defeat the New Deal they call Green.
It’s a pain in the neck,
For to clean airborne drek
They say “No more a/c, buy a screen.”
There once was a star-struck pre-teen
Who was dying to get on the screen
But his pater and mater
Kept on telling him “Later!”
And kept him in house quarantine!
another way of looking at it
My oboe is such a damn curse
My fingers have never felt worse
But size is the key
And it’s just right for me
Cuz it fits in my new Gucci purse
Joe and Janet should put up a screen
‘Cause the art in their dining room scene
Is a stopgap for splatters
From Italian food platters!
And it’s gotta be hell to keep clean!
Art mavens, the family Killeen
Love to show off their Japanese screen
But their dining room table
Bears a great Calder stabile
And to me that’s the star–well, I MEAN!
Little Mikey was charming, but MEAN!
He detested the guy Mama was seein’
So he smiled and he beckoned
But at the last second
Pushed the guy Mama liked through the screen!
ACROSTIC
M any talented people play flute
U nderstanding it truly must suit
S pecial people who blow
I ntensely / then slow
C onstant practice is clearly not moot
Who’s this woman I see on my screen?
Megan Rapinoe, soccer machine.
She can shoot, dribble, pass,
And kick Trump’s sorry ass.
F#!*ing awesome, from what I have seen.
“The Newcomer”
How nice that you’re joining our band!
It is known as “Let’s Give ‘Em A Hand”
There’s Mike on the flute
(And isn’t he cute?)
But some things you must understand:
Johnny on trumpet is sneaky
And Bill on the sax is real freaky
Just ignore all their quirks
You will meet a few jerks
Especially “Clarinet Squeaky”
With the proper equipment for Scuba,
You could almost dive into a tuba.
All its depths you’d explore
Till a musical score
Caused its owner to blow you to Cuba.
Today my computer seemed “mean”
And disturbed my familiar routine
Cuz a demon jumped out
And started to shout
“UFO’s have invaded your screen”
The flutist was very chagrined
She told me, “Oh my! I have sinned!
Cuz I tried to blow air
But to my despair
I got flustered and then I broke wind”
Apparently wanting to preen,
His member was flashed on her screen.
She answered “Oh wow,
I’m watching it now;
Your pinky’s the cutest I’ve seen!”
The flutist just sat there and grinned
Cuz with “Piccolo Pete” she had sinned
But was secretly caught
Then became overwrought
(Next day she was gone with the wind)
Mad: above limerick: Line 2: Could you please change “Clarinet Pete”
to “Piccolo Pete”
Thank You,
Lisi
****
Done.
When he got out his didgeridoo
I knew not where to look, what to do
But I had to say no
When he asked me to blow,
And like a bat out of hell, I flew.
With clarinets, trumpets and sax,
That big band could swing to the max.
It’s members all came
From a brothel of fame;
At showtime, they played on their backs.
“Concert Band Dilemma”
An oboe is what this band needs
And the resumes have a few leads
But most of them say
“You won’t hear us play
Cuz we’re too busy making the reeds”
“The Pipes, the Pipes”
The bagpiper howled o’er the hills,
And squealed out of tune on the trills,
As he tuned with his fork,
I cried out to the dork,
“A penknife would cure all our ills!”
“Italian Job”
My photographer holidayed solo,
And lodged in the town Pinerolo,
He had to use zoom,
To find his wee room,
– Il camera è molto piccolo!
“Italian Job”
My photographer holidayed solo,
And lodged in the town Pinerolo,
He had to use zoom,
To find his wee room,
I’ll camera è molto piccolo!
“Blown Opportunity”
My solo bombed while in rubato,
Muted by maestro’s tomato,
I huffed and I puffed,
I was cursed; it was stuffed,
Now my horn and I both are castrato!
“Player Rivalry”
Wind instruments suited the strumpet,
Whose clients loved soirées with crumpet,
She wasn’t a fan,
Of the Elephant Man,
Who bragged: “Screw you! I blow my own trumpet!”
She said “I do not give a hoot,
If you play classic tunes on your flute.
Now if you played an oboe,
Our love could bloom and grow
But, for now I’ll give you the boot”.
My doctor was very forlorn
His equipment was tattered and worn
I needed a scope
And he fine’ly found hope
Using tubes from his buddy’s French Horn
The bulk of my dates are real “drips”
And the others I have to call “pips”
But Mike was the worst
And I really felt cursed
When he kissed me with stiff trumpet lips
On my laptop all sites are unseen
And I think it is truly obscene!
I’m starting to panic
I need a mechanic
I am facing the horror: BLUE SCREEN !!
OOPS! Rhyming Error!
Is my laptop just being real mean?
Ev’ry site that I try is unseen
I am starting to panic
I need a mechanic
I’m facing the horror: BLUE SCREEN !!
“Our favorite sonata for flutes
We enjoy in our famed birthday suits,”
Said Adam and Eve,
“It’s how stress we relieve;
For those fig leaves, we don’t give two hoots.”
The “IMAX” is really so “keen”
(The best movies I’ve ever seen)
Oh Wow! They are big
And I’m sure you will dig
That they’re shown on a D D D screen
(A wind instrument – sort of…)
A TV show went to the heart:
How people react to a fart.
One actor whose test
Rose above all the rest;
His flatulence earned him the part.
Their image was up on the screen
At the stadium, sure to be seen
By fans who would tell
Both their spouses as well;
That Kiss Cam is ruthless and mean.
Some walkers are quite often seen
With faces immersed in a screen
While crossing the street.
If we happen to meet,
My horn will disrupt their routine.
A bagpiper, Argus McDiffy
Was marching so proud and quite spiffy.
But wind gusts would come,
Thus revealing his bum;
Along with a crowd-pleasing stiffy.
Her candle burned out long ago
The beautiful Marilyn Monroe
I’d sit glued to the screen
Bewitched by Norma Jean
Wishing I was Jo DiMaggio
“One Of The Greats: Louis Armstrong 1901-1971: “Satchmo”
If young, you will not recall “Satch”
A trumpeter no one could match
And on the big screen
He was jazzy and “mean”
(Daisy Parker sure knew a good catch)
Three Musical Limericks
Playing saxes I’ve never been seen,
’cause your ears you would soon have to SCREEN,
I can play on a Horn,
to the trumpet was born,
But on winds I will always turn green.
I once knew a really grand fellow,
He made music upon a cello
But then then a string broke,
and he thought he would croak,
till a clarinet made him turn mellow.
I have been known to commit sin,
It happened on a violin,
I put up a SCREEN,
and off it bounced a bean,
It was thrown from a man with grin.
“ No Buzz – Bad Review”
The Flight of the Poor Bumble Bee,
Played poorly and in the wrong key,
Conductor embarrassed,
And orchestra harassed,
– The flautist was fluthered, you see!
An orchestra struck for more pay.
Tempers flared; threats and anger held sway.
Then the woodwinds and brass
Got the contract to pass.
So non-violins carried the day.
I multi task and take great pride
(Mama Dearest was always my guide)
She said, “On your trombone
Attach a cell phone
And your “undies” can hang on the slide”
Mr. Clarinet sure has his needs!
He is one of those real pesky breeds!
He complains that he’s squeaky
Insists he is freaky
And cries about all his chipped reeds
another version
My Mama was mentor and guide
By all of her rules I’d abide
She said, “On your trombone
Attach a cell phone
And your “undies” can dry on the slide”
A short autobio:
Up an Octave, Down the Drain ~
Bass clarinet was my forte in school;
I handled it like a fine artisan’s tool.
In college they said
“Play the short one instead,”
but the licorice stick made me sound like a fool.
In the sixties, the Penny Lane scene
Had a fireman who cleaned his machine.
Ah, but now (sad to mention)
He’s home on a pension
And watches (not “washes”) his screen.
Though Don wanted to play the euphonium,
What transpired was pure pandemonium,
For his notes were so loud
That they frightened the crowd,
And his phrasing stank worse than ammonium.
An advantage to guys who will screen
For a mate in our match-making scene.
While her play things she shows,
He hides his beneath clothes
Just how fair is the dating routine.
The ugly duck played penny whistle,
So dolore, feroce as gristle,
A swan, now, you know,
So he changed to oboe,
But quacked his weed, wongful dismissal!
The harmonica is fine to play
It only takes two skills they say
If you can suck and blow
You’ll perform well, you know
At the very least you’ll play okay
On a beautiful June afternoon
On my sax I played Mary a tune
But was I seeing red
When that idiot said:
“I just love your real jazzy bassoon”
My instrument is the trombone
As as artist, I stand all alone
Used to play the bassoon
Till Sir Maestro Calhoun
Said, “Its use is still truly not known”
We were known as the “Bensonhurst Bums”
(A band with a trumpet and drums)
But one afternoon
I switched to bassoon
Cuz my mommy said I was “all thumbs”
Minor Change (L1)
I’m a genius at playing trombone
As an artist, I stand all alone
Used to play the bassoon
Till Sir Maestro Calhoun
Said, “Its use is still truly not known”
All trumpeters say they’ve got “smarts”
They brag it’s the hardest of arts
And when they’re not playing
They’re swinging and swaying
And constantly fing’ring their parts
My coach in L.A. said “Now Sammy:
I feel you can win this year’s Grammy”
(Practiced trumpet all day)
My hard work sure did pay
But my dog ran away to Miami
When away from my trusty spittoon
On the stage where I play the bassoon,
The saliva that drips
Through the reeds from my lips
Turns each note that comes out into ruin.
At the symphony concert in June
I felt like a total buffoon
My smart date explained
What each opus contained
Then I asked, “What the hell’s a bassoon?”
My dear oboe has serious needs
It talks to me (gets down and pleads)
Says “Please take me around
To a place that I found
Which is called “Help For Real Moldy Reeds”
When playing the oboe you should
Keep practicing till you are good
But in Mad’s special case
She just couldn’t keep pace
With an ill wind that blew her no good
(JUST A JOKE!!)
OOPS!! Rhyming Error!! “Just A Joke”
When playing the oboe you should
Highly value the texture of wood
But Mad didn’t care less
She was under much stress
With an ill wind that blew her no good
This probably breaks all sorts of rules but it’s fun so I’ll post it
A talented ape name of Bobo
Learned to play Debussy on an oboe.
He was joined on bassoon
By a big lipped baboon
And a rooty-toot flutin’ bonobo
As I stare at the jittery screen
I wonder, now what can this mean?
One more call for a verse?
I suppose I’d do worse
To pretend that the call went unseen.
The Celebrity
He had a deep need to be seen
Appearing so buff and so lean
So he hit the gym
So he could get slim
Then all would see him on the screen
“Version Three”
This piccolo’s truly a curse
My fingers have never felt worse
But size is the key
So it’s just right for me
Cuz a tuba won’t fit in my purse
When a lim’ricist’s demise has come,
To natural causes succumb,
Piercing time’s carnal screen,
The soul’s ascent is seen,
We hear ‘DUM da da DUM da da DUM’.
The tuba has very deep tones
Its vibes get right down to your bones
This rich piece of brass
Can really “kick ass”
But when lifted, you always hear groans
“My Bobby’s” a really cool teen
He’s researching “Harmful Caffeine”
When I came in his room
I surely did fume
Cuz that’s not what I saw on his screen
Mad: above limerick: line 2…..I meant to say (Says he’s researching “Harmful
Caffeine”) NOT He’s been researching “Harmful Caffeine”
Could you change that for me?
Thank You….Lisi
*****
Done.
The choice of their horns did nettle
The marchers, who had to settle
For some tubas to blow
At the half-time show;
While marching, they played “heavy metal.”
Breathed the industry’s reining porn queen,
“I don’t care if some think it obscene;
I screw on the screen,
And what does it mean?
Just another good-paying job scene.”
“The Big Bands” (acrostic)
M usicians way back in the day
U sed to make all the folks “swing and sway”
S hiny saxophones played
I nstant romances made
(C uddled up. Closed their eyes. Come what may)
Forever and ever the flutes shall play
Lending new joy to each shining day
Useless it is to resist their charm
Try to love them, there’s really no harm
In every way they are okay so embrace the flutes and let them stay
I play bag pipes; I’m always in sync
Yet sometimes I just sit and think
How good could I be?
When most people agree
I sound good when they’ve had a stiff drink
They say porn that pops up on your screen
Is indecent, but that stuff’s routine.
It’s the photos and vids
Of detention-camp kids
That should rather be labeled obscene.
Got a part in a very good show
But the music score I didn’t know
Then up to my tricks
(Figured seventy six)
Of them trombones, then who’s gonna’ know?
(A tribute to The Memphis Horns – Wayne Jackson and Andrew Love)
Their signature trumpet and sax
Would lay the foundation for Stax.
Now Jackson and Love
Can be heard from above
Still playing those sweet, soulful tracks.
The theater had a strange movie screen
All they showed was blue love scenes
Got excited, then choked
On a piece of anti-choke
Several ambulances rushed to the scene
“Sacré Blew.”
Our horn player, i’ll s’appelle Francois,
Turns on when he drinks Stella Artois,
He drools, as he fondles,
Poor fools in ensembles,
Pour lui, “Trio” est ménage à trois!
“Sacré Blew.”
Our horn player, i’ll s’appelle Francois,
Turns on when he drinks Stella Artois,
He drools, as he fondles,
Poor fools in ensembles,
Pour lui, “Trio” – c’est ménage à trois!
“Storm Enterprise”
When Spock’s Vulcan spermatogonium,
Was merged with Arctic archegonium,
It spawned a gas child,
Point-fingered and wild,
Prodigious to play the euphonium!
Sowwy Madeleine. Change to of silly limerick sent on July 6, 2019, at 07:08. (This is annoying for you. If I were in your shoes, I’d be very annoyed – as I have webbed feet!) (Perhaps, it would have been better to leave bad enough alone!)
The ugly duck played penny whistle,
So dolore, feroce as gristle,
A swan, now, you know,
So he switched to oboe,
But quacked his weed – wong stwain of thistle!
******
Don’t worry about it. :)
Thoughts in anapest now his mind screens.
At the store he said “ONE pound sarDINES,
And those APples, and CHEEZE,
Some fresh BREAD, two loaves PLEASE,
And that PRUNE juice, plus THREE cans of BEANS.”
The prettiest girl he had seen,
Was Ms. Kane of the Silver Screen.
Her boop-boop-a-doops
Sent his heart through ten hoops
And his thoughts of her were quite obscene.
Corrected version:
The prettiest girl he had seen,
Was Ms. Kane of the old Silver Screen.
Her boop-boop-a-doops
Sent his heart through ten hoops
And his thoughts of her were quite obscene.
“Communication Problemo”
A family Pipe-band which was Amish,
Marched eastward and met the cop, Hamish,
“Bitte, how kan ve all,
Reach the Carnegie Hall,”
He says: “Practish and practish and practish!”
Polonius, in back of the screen,
Made an effort to listen and glean
About memorabilia
On his daughter Ophelia,
Instead he got stabbed in the spleen.
Message for Kirk Miller:
Kirk,
Your limerick is very impressive and clever. It was the first entry received and it scared me because it was so good. Well done.
Regards,
John Cooney.
Msg. for Steve Benko,
Steve, I hate you for you are so talented!!,
😂
I love your good grass limerick.
Edited for meter…
Who’s this woman I see on my screen?
Ms. Rapinoe, a soccer machine.
She can shoot, dribble, pass,
And kick Trump’s sorry ass.
F#*@ing awesome, from what I have seen.
“Madame Bee Bee” is really so keen
She told me she’s known as “The Queen”
Says her stage name is “Honey”
Has made tons of money
Cuz most of her time’s spent on screen
“From An Expert”
The flute is so classy and light
Its tones seem to soften at night
Your arms never ache
The foot joint won’t quake
And your head doesn’t stiffen. Yeah Right.
a very slight modification
The flute is so classy and light
Its tones seem to soften at night
Your arms will not ache
The foot joint won’t quake
And your head never stiffens. Yeah Right.
Msg for Brian Allgar:
I enjoy your lewd and really funny limericks.
I was quite surprised to find that you, too, rhyme “whore” with “sure”.
I thought that we were the only nation who pronounced “whore” as “hoor”.
In fact, sometimes the word is used to describe any female who has a facility for any pursuit. For example, if a girl is good at Math, one might say: “She’s a “hoor” at sums!” I find this hilarious.
Anyhoo, thanks for entertainment.
Regards,
John Cooney.
“Stoned by a Muse”
Believe it or not, in Salonica,
I retrieved, kid you not, the fair Monica,
What a mouth on an organ!,
Though she looked like a gorgon,
The best ever heard on harmonica!
“Stoned and Bemused”
Believe it not, in Salonica,
I retrieved, kid you not, the fair Monica,
What a mouth for an organ!
Go south, hairy gorgon,
Distinction achieved on harmonica!
Forever and ever the flutes shall play
Lending their joy to each new shining day
Useless it is to resist their charm
Try to love them there’s really no harm
Everyone bad whatever they say, those magical flutes will make it okay
“Phoney Bulloney”
What a find on a dig ‘neath a screen!
But a proud and stout pygmy, in green,
Who offers fools gold,
For a black male, I’m told,
This outed gay leprechauneen!
The tuba is famously known
For emitting a very loud tone
No one ever taught Nate
Yet he still plays so great
(He picked up that noise on his own)
Here’s your clarinet; you must conceal it
It is made of rare metal; just feel it
Place in oboist’s case
There won’t be much space
But by doing this, no one will steal it.
“Black & White & Red All Over.”
A penguin in pain when ‘twas sunny,
Consulted his quack, Dr. Bunny:
“Obtain this sun-screen,
It contains nicotine,
If it stains you, I’ll refund your money!”
“Career Guidance”
The New York Times posted on Twittah,
An ad for a kind babysittah,
But they took down the screen,
When deranged Frankenstein,
Responded and sounded quite ‘bittah’!
Line 5 (amended):
Responded with sounds kinda ‘bittah’!
“Jungle Swing”
The cameraman blushed through the scene,
With Tarzan and Jane in between,
A rock and a hard place,
A shock! And it’s first base,
The screams nearly shattered the screen!
I’m learning to play the trombone
For months I have practiced alone
I was fine’ly so glad
That I played it for Dad
And all he could say was “MORONE !!!!”
There once was a dean with a screen
Who was sure it would never be clean
For the dirt was so gross
It made him morose
This overly finicky dean
(Members from James Brown’s horn section: Maceo Parker – alto/tenor sax, Pee Wee Ellis – tenor sax and Fred Wesley – trombone; they were later known as The JB Horns)
With Maceo blowing his horn,
A new style of rhythm was born.
Plus Pee Wee and Fred;
As they powered ahead,
The dance floor got crowded and worn.
I asked if she wanted to feel
My instrument. “Sure!” With great zeal,
She fingered and blew it.
From this I intuit
I’ve still got that ol’ sax appeal.
“Elder Abuse”
My Granny ran off to Nantucket,
The night some jerk stole my shit-bucket,
O.M.G., I’ve just seen,
Her corpse on the screen,
She totaled my car, so Nan took it!
“Pro-life”
The Queen of the Land grew so tired,
Of fanfares for grandchildren sired,
But, when Reverend Mother,
Had one after t’other,
A host of big canons got fired!
Sorry. Line 5 amended to:
A host of big canons were fired! (“Were” for “Got”)(not forgotten- just fired)
“Tuning – Shmuning!”
It is tricky to tune a piano,
You can hone the craft down in Milano,
The cello – too low,
Too high – picc-olo,
But, you can’t tuna fish whose soprano!
“It’s yuge like a friggin’ trombone!”
This made prostitutes snicker or groan.
“It’s more like a whistle,”
One said in dismissal.
“Whatevs, Trump sure loves blowing his own.”
“The Buzzard of Oz”
The Outback taboo should deter you,
You’ll succumb to its didgeridoo,
And when you wake up,
A yahoo with make-up,
And a tube, will ask: “Did you come to?”
Line 5 alternative:
And tatoo, will ask: “Did you come to?”
Oh play me a musical tune
By trumpet or flute or bassoon
Octaves chords and long trills
Ever give me great thrills
So I listen and drool as I croon.
She starred on the old silver screen
Flame haired she looked gorgeous in green
Sometimes in a tiara
With surname O’Hara
Her first Christian name was Maureen.
“JAWS” (screen and wind instruments)
Spielberg’s “Jaws” was a film we’ve all seen
Those sharks were horrific and mean
At its start the euphonium
Cause much pandemonium
And prepared us for “shock on the screen”
“Close Encounters Of The Third Kind” (wind instruments and screen)
“Close Encounters” a film we’ve all seen
Taught us aliens aren’t so mean
The oboe/tuba duet
No one could forget
Was the “turning point moment” on screen
slight modification L4 for better meter
“Close Encounters Of The Third Kind” (wind instruments and screen)
“Close Encounters”, a film we’ve all seen
Taught us aliens aren’t so mean
The oboe/tuba duet
We shall never forget
Was the “turning point moment” on screen
From morning to night on his screen
The “wisdom” of Fox can be seen.
And the man at the tiller
Takes heed of Steve Miller.
No wonder he’s always so mean.
To him coal is “Beautiful–clean!”
And cars should all use gasoline.
Why so? Here’s two answers:
Those windmills cause cancers.
And Socialists rule if we’re green.
There once was a beautiful lass
Who sat with the boys who played brass.
One guy, the first trumpet,
Thought she was a strumpet.
She slapped him when he grabbed her ass.
wind instruments and screen
I saw “Star Wars” when I was eighteen
(Unreal mythical magic on screen)
But the best part of all
I shall always recall
Was the “brass” which imbued ev’ry scene
“Close Encounters Of The Third TRY (:
Amazing oboe and brass duet at the moment of communication
with the “Mothership” (The most enchanting scene of the movie)
“Close Encounters”, a film we’ve all seen
Taught us aliens aren’t so mean
And the oboe/brass pair
Made us fully aware
Of the turning point right on the screen
(The Tower of Power Horns, not merely just a part of T.O.P, have brought their sound to many other recordings of artists such as Huey Lewis, Heart, Bonnie Raitt and Elton John)
Their horn section obviously
Defines how we hear T.O.P.
They’ve played for the best,
While reminding the rest
How Powerful music can be.
“R.S.A. No comment T.V. We apologize for interference, not!!!”
Though the scary birds of Venezuela,
Squawk, loud and proud, in their regalia,
A Soccer World Cup,
Was really fucked up,
By the rude noise of vile vuvuzela!
Alternative Line 5:
By a rude and vile noise – vuvuzela!
The Pres. was no where to be seen
(That was clearly the news on my screen)
All the states were at war
But he couldn’t ignore
His next turn on the “Trump Putting Green”
A-cros-tic President Don’t Walk The Walk”.
M
U
S
I
C
Musical steps are in order,
Usually starts with Recorder,
Some try Clarinet,
Into Sax., others yet,
Can Trump-ets scale Mexican border?
At the airport. a most loathsome scene
Just to walk thru that AMF screen
“Shoes and coins in the basket,”
I near blow a gasket.
A nation of sheeple is seen.
Oops . . .
At the airport. a most loathsome scene
Just to walk thru that EMF screen
“Shoes and coins in the basket,”
I near blow a gasket.
A nation of sheeple is seen.
If my memory serves (and it should),
It was Mitty* who first understood
That the oboe (I quote
Mr. Kaye**, whose wife*** wrote)
Is “an ill wind that no one blows good.”****
*https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
The_Secret_Life_of_Walter_Mitty_(1947_film)
**https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_Kaye
***https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sylvia_Fine
****https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJ9bnC1v1xc
The football game now on my screen
Tween’ “Junk Foods” and “Organic Clean”
Shows two cheering sections
In opposing directions
And one of them’s shouting “Go Green!”
I played oboe in band at my school
Sounded great; I just loved my new tool
But the really cute drummer
Said, “That stick is a bummer;
Percussionists rule; woodwinds drool”
“Another Way Of Looking At It”
I played the trombone at my school
But today I just felt like a fool
Cuz the girl on the flute
Said I don’t look so cute
And she claimed, “woodwinds rule; brasses drool”
“A Girl Has The Right To Change Her Mind”
For me, the trombone, (no dispute)
Was my serious, major pursuit
But to oboe I switched
And the trombone I ditched
Since Newt on the flute was so cute
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
When Jeremy went to the loo,
He’d sit there and play his kazoo.
Then someone would snap:
“That thing’s sounding like crap!”
And he’d say “I’m flushing it too.”
We bought a gigantic TV,
Hi-Def, it’s the best it can be!
But the set has a sheen
That reflects off the screen,
So there’s no bloody way you can see!
Our Telly has gotten a lean,
So to see what it plays on the screen,
You must lean to the right.
By the end of a night,
You’ve a crick in your neck mighty mean!
She is tiny at barely five inches
(I believe there are much larger finches).
On a telephone’s screen
She can scarcely be seen,
And she’s not even there if one squinches.
There once was a pasha (or bey?),
Who hated the sounds that I’d play.
“No more strumming and plucking;
It’s, like, totally sucking;
Try this flute and you best not say ney.”
Mad – please change line 4 of my posting above to read “That thing’s sounding like crap!” and line 5 to read “And he’d say “I’m flushing it too.”
Thanks, DJ
****
Done.
What a mess! Oh my dear! Mama Mia!
And what a real stupid idea!
This sax has 12 parts
Didn’t use all my “smarts”
Cuz I shouldn’t have gone to Ikea!
With the oboe I haven’t had luck
And sometimes I feel like a schmuck
Although Mom says I’m “great”
And Dad says, “First Rate”
The band thinks I sound like a duck
An oboe, so what I’ve been told
Is a gizmo with both hands you hold
And my friends here at school
Says it really sounds cool:
“Like a clarinet with a bad cold”
For six years, I’ve been on the “scene”
Attempting to be “Lim’rik Queen”
But since I don’t dust
I am simply nonplussed
So what’d I just type on this screen?
TWO ANCIENT INSTRUMENTS
What’s that terrible sound, like a dozen
Big blowflies contentedly buzzin’
‘Round the ass of a horse?
Why, a Krummhorn, of course:
The kazoo’s less agreeable cousin!
Consider the poor Marine Trumpet:
You don’t blow it. You bow it, or thump it.
What “trumpet”‘s a thing
Like a box with one string?
Musicians decided to dump it.
This tubist is trying to land
A spot in our Oom-Pah-Pah band.
His Oom is off pitch;
But his pah-pah is rich,
So I trust you will all understand…
The President sits on his rump
Playing brinksmanship games like a chump.
He’s inviting The End:
An evangelist friend
Said an angel would blow the Last Trump.
“Men, horny?” My friend shook her head;
“We should call them ‘tromboney’ instead,
For the young ones take pride
In the length of their slide…
And the old ones? They’re sackbuts,” she said.
I have finally found my own niche
So I asked the conductor “Just which
Is the place for French Horn?”
And he answered with scorn:
“It’s the seat that is labeled “Miss Pitch”
I must say I’ve a feeling of dread
Cuz my “Match” date so clearly had said:
“The oboe I play
Oh, let’s meet today
I’m the one who cannot turn her head”
Believe me, I really don’t mean
To sound Luddite. But many a teen
Has been taught to insist
That is doesn’t exist
If it doesn’t appear on a screen.
Though I certainly won’t intervene
In this hobby for which you’re so keen,
If you have to watch porn
From night until morn,
Please remember to wipe off the screen.
Will T,
I really enjoyed these limericks. 👍
Will T,
I really enjoyed these limericks. 👍
Thank you,
John Cooney.
“Raiders On The Storm”
Rue the Vikings, those warriors convincible,
Who wore sea-worthy clothes that were rinsible,
Their shield-wall tight screen,
Made of polystyrene,
Was frightening and frankly invincible!
“Raiders On The Storm”
Rue the Vikings, those warriors convincible,
Who wore sea-worthy clothes that were risible,
Their shield-wall tight screen,
Made of polystyrene,
Was trendy, gay, proud and invincible!
“NBD! Let’s do it Mañana.”
A pan flute, a horn and bassoon,
Met up to set up a new toon,
But the blend, so shambolic,
Made friends alcoholic,
The word is they’ll dry out quite soon!
Madeleine,
Apologies for speling eror in limerick posted at 7.26 p.m. (Eastern Time).
“Risible” (end of line 2) should be “rinsible”.
Apologies for being an ass in pain!
John Cooney.
“Kango Saw Nothing”
A didgeridoo on a scooter,
Buzzed off to escape from a shooter,
But, he suffered derision,
As result of collision,
With a kangaroo who had no hooter!
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 326. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Time.