Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FUSED/CONFUSED or EYES at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FUSED/CONFUSED or EYES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.) (Yes, I’m allowing TWO different rhyme schemes in this contest because fused/confused has fewer rhyme words than usual.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LEMONS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LEMON-related limerick. (For those outside of the U.S., who may possibly not know this, LEMONS can be much more than a citrus fruit.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 21, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 20, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick, which uses both rhyme schemes:
I stared at a painting, confused;
Yes, bewildered, perplexed, and bemused.
“It’s insightful!” “It’s wise!”
“He paints with his eyes!”
(Said by fans — I surmise they were boozed.)
And here’s my LEMON-themed limerick, a two-verser:
A fellow was beaming with pride
Cuz he’d purchased a flashy new ride.
But he speedily found
That his car wasn’t sound
And was facing a recall world-wide.When he drove it, the engine soon died.
Then he learned its transmission was fried.
His lemony car
Made him go way too far…
And for murder he soon shall be tried.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Art Humor, Art Limerick, Car & Driving Humor, Car Limericks, Competition Limerick, Lemon Humor, Lemons, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Painting Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
My favorite flavor of Jell-O
Is orange; it just makes me mellow!
The name of that fruit
Is its color, (how cute!)
So why ain’t a lemon a “yellow?”
Said Lot to God, full of surprise,
As his wife turned to salt ‘fore his eyes,
“I guess it’s my fault,
But with all this salt,
Could You turn my kids into fries?”
Stowed thrones in grass houses should never be used,
For these by the termites are often abused —
In front of your eyes
Collapsing surprise! —
The Queen says, ‘We certainly are not amused.’
An abridged version, still on the maxim that people in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Stowed thrones in grass houses refused:
They get by the termites abused —
In front of your eyes
Collapsing surprise! —
The Queen says, ‘We are not amused.’
Have you tried the new Durex or Skyn?
They’re flavoured with lemon and gin
It’s odd but don’t knock it
She goes off like a rocket
And that’s with a little bit in!
The Accused. (John Grisham)
Sweet Grandma was just so enthused
And so eager to read “The Accused”
So I got it on line
And she said, “That sounds fine;
Although where is the book? I’m confused”
Our puppy is one nasty critter
She ran over to Susie and bit’er
We said, “Oh Dear Me!”
But reminded her she
Was know as the “Lemon Of Litter”
correction!
Our puppy is one nasty critter
She hated sweet Susie and bit’er
We said,'”Oh Dear Me!”
But reminded her she
Was known as the “Lemon Of Litter”
I’ve just had delirium tremens
A result of all night drinking sessions
My nightmares affected
Dreamt Trump was elected
Think I’ll start on the tonics and lemons
I’m rather bewildered and confused,
If above board, why Trump has refused
To release his tax returns,
This causes great concerns,
Just implies public trust’s been abused.
Mad Please delete previous comment. It is an unfinished limerick
Thank You Lisi
*********
Done.
The proctologist wasn’t amused
When his “skull doc” precisely perused
His X-ray with care
And then said, “Doc Beware!
Your brain’s full of shit. I’m confused!”
She sliced lemons to rub on her chest,
Neck and shoulders, then made a request
Of her man: “Be a peach;
Rub the parts I can’t reach.”
It’s a task he’s approaching with zest.
My boyfriend just makes me feel used
I might even say quite abused!
Other times he is nice
Just like sugar and spice
His two faces are totally fused
With grammar, this student’s no prize
I have taught him and must say “He Tries”
I asked, “Who has to “go”?
Then five kids let me know
And politely he said, “So do Ize”
Strapped in ‘The Chair’, the accused
A plea to the Governor, refused
Told to keep up the wailing
The power’s not failing
Its only the lights that have fused
Further to Lisi’s theme:
A proctologist was drinking in Glasgow
The time for procedure was soon, so
His thinking confused
The patient abused
He couldn’t tell his arse from his elbow
I couldn’t believe my own eyes!
In the rest room at “Eats” A Surprise:
A picture of Trump
While you’re taking a dump
I’d certainly say that applies!
On the LEMON theme, my vast admiration for the genus Trumpus Obnoxious shines through:
A lemon is known to be sour
But next to Trump’s visage will cower:
Compared to the pan
Of that acid man
The lemon seems sweet as a flower!
Or, actually using ‘confused’:
Stowed thrones in grass houses refused:
The structure by termites confused —
In front of your eyes
Collapsing surprise! —
The Queen says, ‘We are not amused.’
The nursery rhyme ends with dread,
The prisoner is summoned, then dead.
Ringing,”Oranges and lemons,
The church bells of St. Clemont’s”.
Children hear this rhyme, then go to bed.
Oranges and Lemons
Cadmium yellow is strong and intense,
To use painting bright sunlight makes sense.
Lemon yellow’s lovely and pale,
I don’t imply the color’s frail.
It’s perfect to show morning’s commence.
The orange man is really quite yellow,
With fake bone spurs; a spine made of jello
A lemon making deals,
Eats awful junk food meals.
He’s a rather despicable fellow.
There’s civil war raging in Yemen,
And for Prez we’ve elected a lemon.
In a world that’s insane
I thank Madeleine Kane
For the chance to some whimsy be pennin’.
Our political candidates schmooze;
With great promises, crowds they suffuse.
But once they’re in office,
They don’t seem so flawless;
We all end up singin’ the blues.
When my table I polish with Pledge,
The smell of it puts me on edge.
To my condo is lent
That sick lemony scent,
And I have to climb out on the ledge.
When young, I had “stars in my eyes”
I was “sweet” on just so many guys
But now I am old
And the truth shall be told:
I’ve got cataracts bigger than flies
Here is something I’ve noticed ’bout guys:
Some are rude and they’ll often “crack wise”
When they talk to a lady
They all seem so shady
Just look where they focus their eyes!
Peering Through the Lemonade ~
I get quite confused when I write
once my brain cells have fused for the night,
but that’s not a surprise
since the blur in my eyes
comes from lemonade, whiskey, and Sprite.
In Mexico Trump will refuse
to give up his quest to abuse
windmills at large
with a Quixote-like charge
till their cancerous sounds are refused.
As children we had a stall,
The summer’s thirst to forestall.
I don’t know what we made
But it weren’t lemonade
And seems it food-poisoned us all.
Said Sessions, “Mahself Ah’ll recuse,”
And Donald at that blew a fuse.
“You’re dumb and retarded!
You’ll soon be discarded!”
He screamed as he polished Vlad’s shoes.
Millennials believe wealth is bullshit:
Only social justice is truly legit:
But what they can not peruse,
Of their student debt they confuse,
Is that neither Bernie nor Beto nor Biden can fix it.
College girls want masculinity to retreat:
Toxic masculinity hands snowflakes defeat:
Equal valuation in their eyes,
Though symbolic castration seems wise,
Redefining is the only way they compete.
Colleges teach students gender aversion:
For these students gender neutrality is their new version:
But at bar-time the students fuse,
And their obsolete genitalia they use,
To engage in every form of perversion!
I knew I was getting confused
(As well as misled and bemused)
When the Trumpian axis
Said they’d show his taxes
But then they refused and refused!
(… both rhyme-words)
She couldn’t believe her own eyes;
He had boasted so much of his size!
But the little pink toe
That he asked her to blow
Was a most disappointing surprise.
So now Donald’s ego is bruised.
The hooker quite simply refused
To swallow the pig.
“I only do big”,
She explained, “So I must be excused.”
On Facebook, I learnt – I’m bemused –
That condoms are rinsed and reused
In many a State.
But as microbes gestate,
With what are those condoms infused?
Donald Trump, as a child, was abused
By his father, who taught him, amused,
That “To lie and to steal
Is the Art of the Deal”.
No wonder poor Donald’s confused.
“Them ‘oranges’ Darwin invented?
The guy musta been quite demented.
His theory is feces –
‘The Lemons of Species’
Would make as much sense”, Trump dissented.
“See How They Run”
At first, we heard terrible cries
Then a voice said, “We sure weren’t wise”
We searched; found 3 mice
Who said, “Take our advice:
“You must always take care of your eyes”
When nursing, the left breast I used
But something just had me bemused:
When I switched to the right
My baby would bite
And say “Mama don’t get me confused”
“Guess The Fruit”
When squeezing, you must close your eyes
Do not wait for that stinging surprise
They’re great in iced tea
Come and have one with me
(And they also taste good baked in pies)
People’s trust- constantly abused:
I watch, am completely confused,
Folks vote for those who betray,
Support the corporate way,
They don’t realize they’re being used.
Folks say I’m as “sweet as can be”
Also “kind” and they all do agree!
But my kids aren’t nice
(Been arrested for vice)
Those damn lemons fell far from the tree!
In a pasture, the cows will suffuse
Every inch of the land with their poos.
If you visit a farm,
Don’t be fooled by their charm;
From inside, you can still hear their moos.
On “Match Love” my password was used
By some chap; I was sure not amused!
Yet this somewhat nice gent
Has romantic intent
Do I marry him now? I’m confused!
True story:
I owned a mid-Seventies car;
It managed to show me how far
(With handles that broke
And performance a joke),
That Mustang had lowered the bar.
correction! “The Accused” (by John Grisham)
Sweet Granny was very enthused
And eager to read “The Accused”
When I said, “It’s on line”
She remarked, “That sounds fine;
But where is the book? I’m confused”
When life gives you lemons, they say
Make something to wash them away.
This summertime drink
Just might work if you think
Some Kool-Aid will brighten your day.
My old teacher was not very wise
She would drink and steal all the supplies
As blitzed as could be
She insisted that we
Dot our t’s and then cross all our i’s
Led Zeppelin could not be accused
Of letting themselves be abused,
Yet one angry fan
Let fly with a pan
And left them all ‘Dazed and Confused’.
I looked deep into Stephanie’s eyes,
And I knew she’d been telling me lies.
‘Twas a blow to my pride
That she felt, deep inside,
I fell short of her standards for size.
I never had sex with the guys
But Mama was so very wise:
She said, “Dear, when you’re wed
You must lie in the bed
Take xanax and then close your eyes”
My son ran home fast by surprise
I asked, “What’s with the tears and those sighs?”
He said, “Mom, I am freaked
Saw my new “teach” and shrieked
In the back of her head, she’s got eyes”
There were many more NAYS than were AYES:
Party loyalty, with all that implies.
Though our side was right,
We went down with a fight,
Their proposal once more based on lies.
She looks in the mirror and sighs!
Those wrinkles; what sagging implies!
Her mind says she’s not old,
Is lovely to behold…
Believe me, or your lying eyes?
“Just Between You And Me”
Most teachers are not real surprised
When students can’t learn to be wise
Prepositions agree
Do not use he or she
In their phrases and NEVER use I’s
I’m a wolf in benign sheep disguise.
You’re quite easy to con, I surmise.
Why would you question or grype?
Just relax; swallow the hype.
Do you trust me, or your lying eyes?
A creature emerged from the ooze,
To our nation with hatred suffuse.
Tiny hands, orange mane;
Do I need to explain?
Till a year from November I’ll snooze.
Mom dug out a “tool” which she used
Called a typewriter (I was amused)
I typed Fom ‘stead of Tom
Then asked my sweet Mom
“Where’s the auto correct? I’m confused”
My daughter just moans and she cries
Claims she just isn’t “one of the guys”
Says, “They all have a phone
And I feel so alone”
So I bought her a Pad for her Eyes
When life throws you lemons, just RUN!
Don’t look down; focus up at the SUN!
If you dodge all that fruit
There will be no dispute
That you’ll revel in all which is FUN!
Said a young buxom gal to some guys,
“What I say should be no big surprise.
Know what I’d like best
To get off my chest?
It is simple: your two staring eyes.”
When life throws you lemons, you’re done!
There is nothing worse under the sun!
So here is a trick
And do it real quick:
Catch those suckers. Bring vodka. Then run.
A Sillier? Version Of A Previous Limerick
My old teacher was not very wise
She would drink and steal all the supplies
When blitzed as could be
She insisted that we
Dot our t’s and then cross all our eyes
Not a funny one, but a response to Lisi’s, Have to defend teachers !LOL!
My teachers, all learned and wise,
Taught us to study, aim for the skies,
Gave us strong foundations,
Were great inspirations,
To succeed and have stars in our eyes.
“English As a Second Language”
You start out eager, stars in your eyes.
English grammar could be your demise.
Though right on the money,
“It’s she!”, just sounds funny.
Learning English is hard, I surmise!
I’ll confess—I’m completely confused
About why you’ve routinely refused
To scoop up the poop
Your pooch dumps on our stoop.
We are getting fed up–not amused!
The President’s surely no prize
And he’s caused a disease on the rise!
See your doctor real quick
Cause you’ll likely get sick
With “Overkill Rolling Of Eyes”
An expression that often is used
And has me completely confused
Is “Legally Drunk”
Which to me sounds like bunk
If it’s legal, you should be excused!
In colloquial parlance abstruse
There’s an English word prone to abuse
By the simple word “get”
Many “meanings” are met
Incorrectly and only confuse.👀
A handsome young chappie from Yemen
Went out with a hooker from Bremen
But she started to freeze
When he gave her a squeeze
saying “Bitte schon I am a lemon”
Taking snuff is now just a breeze
But mostly I come when I sneeze
Accompanied by sighs
It crosses my eyes
And sometimes buckles my knees
A dude was extremely confused
When he heard the term “cowpuncher” used.
He thought: “Punch? Is that how
I get milk from that cow?”
So he tried it. That bull’s not amused.
On the T.V. a phrase that is used
Has me baffled and very confused!
When they say “partly sunny”
I don’t think it’s funny!
Do the clouds feel left out and abused?
When life hands you lemons, you cry
You feel that you’ll never get by!
It just isn’t fair
So show you don’t care:
Add butter, paprika, then fry.
another version:
When life hands you lemons, you cry
You feel that you’ll never get by
So find who’s at fault
Then plan your assault
To squirt ’em right back in the eye!
HOW TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY
“Your Honor,” he said, “I’m confused
Was there something I missed while I snoozed?
The attorneys are boring.
That’s why I was snoring.”
The judge glared and said, “You’re excused.”
The Shiny Used Car He Purchased
A four on the floor drove the Dean
The model was pretty and green
But for a small flaw
Which everyone saw
Broke down on the road.
Made a scene
Just Purchased
Look there! He has bought a new car!
Enroute to show off at the bar
Makes an awful turn
Oversteers, starts to burn
No way he will ever go far
Under oath?
This fellow claims to be wise
But I’ve detected his lies
It isn’t fake news
Just look for the clues
And simply look at those eyes!
Said Odysseus, “Here’s the plan, guys:
Polyphemus is lacking two eyes.
We need only stab one;
When he screams, we’ll all run,
And from shipboard, we’ll wave our goodbyes.”
“Love Those Beatles”
At first, she said “John you’re so wise”
And suddenly claimed I told lies!
Then she said I am “cool”
Though I “act like a fool”
She’s that chick with kaleidoscope eyes
It came as one shocking surprise
When I caught her with two other guys!
Yet our therapist claimed
She should not feel ashamed
Since her biopsy showed “Wan’dring Eyes”
I watched his plane take to the skies
With the tears streaming from my eyes
I’ve no idea when
I’ll see him again
How I hate these airport goodbyes
I just couldn’t believe my eyes
I have never seen such a size
There was no topping
Those melons, so whopping
She waltzed off with ‘Best in class’ prize
Did that man just catch my eye,
And follow by brushing my thigh
It’s no use keep winking
I know what he’s thinking
I’m really not that kind of guy
I could have said I was confused
Or a better word could be used
But I calculated
Discombobulated
Would just leave everyone bemused.
Found out he was telling me lies!
So I went and bought garden supplies
We went for a drink
And before he could blink
We toasted with mud in his eyes!
To ev’ry occasion, I rise
I’m smart and I’m cool and I’m wise!
But I do need those glasses
And bet your sweet asses
They’re certainly not for my eyes!
Mad: Line 4 of above: I meant to say “You can bet your sweet asses”
and not “And bet your sweet asses”
Could you change that for me?
Thank You, Lisi
***
Bad idea because that gives you an extra unstressed syllable. (To see what I mean, read lines 3 and 4 together as one line. You’ll see that the last syllable of glasses gives you that extra unstressed syllable as it leads into line 4.)
You’ve a sore throat and nose that is runny
And lately, you’re short on the money
Don’t entertain notions
Of advertised potions
Sip hot water, lemon and honey
Sorry Mad, should be ‘nose that is runny’
****
Changed.
“Our Recent Move to Chicago”
Some words here are always misused!
And my kinfolks are sure not amused!
All handbags are “purses”
And truly what’s worse is
Coca-Cola is pop who’s confused!
When life hands you lemons, you’ll see
That good advice’s really the “key”
The high cost of food
Gets all of us screwed
So keep all that fruit! (Hey, it’s free)
In high school, “way back in the day”
Those lemons were comin’ my way
My plight was acute
So I kept all that fruit
And into my bra they would stay
At “Food Stop” I sure was amused
A sign at the check read “REUSED!”
“It’s now paper not plastic
Although it is drastic
We hope that you’re all not confused”
correction of meter (previous limerick)
When life hands you lemons, you’ll see
Good advice is most surely the “key”
The high cost of food
Just gets everyone screwed
So keep all that fruit (Hey, it’s free)
A gal from a bar that he cruised
Got knocked up, for no condom he used.
He was stupid. But why?
He’s a typical guy:
His brain with his willy is fused.
A man had big budging eyes
Seems to be filled with black flies
People saw him and ran
stuck his face in the sand
hey look, they had grew triple in sized
The man’s car was a lemon
Gave a price and couldn’t remember
It was fancy and clean
The color was mean
Suddenly looked like an old gremlin
I confess she had me confused
With the body language she used
I thought she was game
I wasn’t to blame
For the crime of which I’m accused
We made contact at first with our eyes,
Then in bed came her passionate cries.
By this Hollywood star
I get blown in my car…
What? You think that I’m telling you lies?
It’s not often that I’m bemused
But I seem a little confused.
Climate change is not real
But still they all squeal…
Is it somehow that I’m being used?
Limericks, I should be writing
But with my brain, I am fighting.
All the words that I’ve used
Are jumbled, confused,
Not witty, amusing, delighting.
The meat has been fully extracted
From the Muller Report, now redacted.
The Truth we surmise
Is not for our eyes,
Nor how the main players had acted.
Brexit’s a Pig-in-a-Poke,
An International joke.
Needed are Ayes
But Nays are the cries,
No fire, just billowing smoke.
We were playing charades, and emotions
Were on edge. I was caught in commotions
With the gestures I used.
What is wrong? I’m confused.
I was just going through the motions.
“Eye Exam”
“Do the letters all look the same size?”
(I thought that this “doc” was so wise)
“Is that better or worse?”
“Now just hand me your purse”
(And that’s when I cried out my eyes)
I truly had stars in my eyes
Should’ve known he was telling me lies
When he talked in his sleep
It sure made me weep
When he yelled, “Do you want that with fries?”
I’m feeling quite badly abused.
And baffled … befuddled … confused.
My woman craved bliss
So I gave her a kiss.
Now she’s dumped me! I should have refused!
As she dances, I watch my sweet prize.
She has tender, young breasts; meaty thighs.
I’m a cannibal, me.
Now all I can see
Is a truly great feast for the eyes.
Like a conductor who is ailing;
Beto’s arms are always flailing;
Is he so very confused?
Does he think he’s Omar beating Jews?
Or unlike Slick Willy he did too much inhaling.
Being raised in a family of ten
my clothes were worn time and again.
I felt sad and abused,
cause my clothing looked used–
handed down year to year, kin to kin.
I grew up in a family of eight.
For my clothing I just had to wait!
Using doo-dads and dyes,
changed the look to the eyes,
but it can’t change size 6 into 8!
“Guess The Fruit” (acrostic)
L ow in fat, rich in Vitamin C
E specially good with iced tea
M ust try it on fish
O r a nice salad dish
N ot to worry, lots more on the tree!
An “airline” expression that’s used
Will always just keep me amused
It is known as “pre-board”
Which sure “takes the award”
Can you board? Board again? (I’m confused)
“I’m not apathetic,” said Lydia
“That’s not why I have to get rid o’ ya.
So don’t be confused
If I seem unenthused,
It’s cause you fucking gave me chlamydia!”
Felt my vision had reached its demise
(And the “Snellen Chart” proved I was wise)
Couldn’t see F or G
L M N O or P
And for sure could not find any I’s
A word that my boss sharply used
Was “downsize” (I sure was bemused)
I said “Mr. Cheap
You sure are a creep
Am I fired or not? I’m confused”
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Mad, please delete last post, doesn’t include theme at all.
*****
Done.
Trump, at his own behest
Has been busy feathering his nest.
He has steadfastly refused
And cried, “Falsely accused!”
To fulfil a taxed-income request.
A Riddle: Now who could this be?
He can lie and cheat and stay free.
He has Muller defused;
“Don’t recall”, not refused…
Give up? Well really! It’s me.
GOP, like the picture you see?
You could easily say, “This is me”.
As you defend
Your backstabbing friend,
You’re tarred with the same brush as he.
When through “Learn Your Words” I perused
Something sure had me bemused
When I looked up “confusing”
It wasn’t amusing
It said, “We don’t know; we’re confused”
Better!
When through “Learn Your Words” I perused
There was something that had me bemused!
When I looked up “confusing”
It wasn’t amusing
It said, “Just don’t know; we’re confused”
Mad: above limerick:
Line 4 should be It wasn’t amusing ( not I wasn’t amusing)
Can you change that?
Thank You
Lisi
***
Done.
There was a young lady from Yemen,
Tried her first martini with lemon!
She got violently sick,
When she choked on a stick,
No one told her “You don’t put the stem in!”
A girl from a far northern state,
Bought a car that she thought would be great.
A lemon she got,
Sometimes started—or not,
Which caused her to always be late!
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 320. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Grin.