Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Peer or Pier or Appear at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Peer or Pier or Appear at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to Jewelry, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Jewelry-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 6, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you three full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 5, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
We ordered some wine and a beer
And waited for both to appear.
But neither drink came.
Empty noggin to blame?
We got eggnog … instead of good cheer.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bar Humor, Beer Humor, Beer Limerick, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, wine and spirits, Writing Prompts
Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
She has one for each time she’s been wed.
By a very old trick,
Without shovel or pick,
She’s mined all of her carbon in bed.
You’ll notice each day of the year
Those ladies who stand by the pier
They’ll cost you some dough
And make sure that you know
It’s a rule that’s discernibly clear.
Of all of my co-workers things
Are her jewels more lavish than king’s!
Every day at the close
She hurriedly goes
To the bank to say, “Hi” to her rings.
Pervy Pete, stealth voyeur, loves to leer
At June’s jumbo-sized tits and her rear.
Clueless June’s unaware
Of Pete’s lecherous stare
Because only through panes dares Pete peer.
Jake gave Cindy a ring set with jade,
Not with diamonds–so Cindy, dismayed
Gave to Jake, in return,
An asparagus fern.
(Seemed a pretty fair balance of trade.)
At work Mary Jane was my peer
(Saw each other each day of the year)
But the new boss was smitten
He called her his “kitten”
And bestowed her a brand new career.
On the surface it sure does appear
That “hubby” and I are sincere
But last night from afar
I looked in his car
And saw a real plump zaftig rear
A yachtsman had drunk too much beer
And it rendered his vision unclear.
He rammed into the dock,
Which collapsed from the shock.
As a seaman he’s quite without pier.
another take on my previous limerick
On the surface it seems to appear
That my “hubby” and I are sincere
But last night from afar
I looked in his car
And noticed a hump in the rear
A prudish young fellow named Simon
Bought his fiancee a diamond
But then took it back
When he learned in the sack
She’d already busted her hymen.
Better!
You’ll notice each day of the year
Those ladies who stand by the pier
They will cost you some dough
And make sure that you know
That’s the RULE! for their trampy career.
Revised
Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
She has one for each time she’s been wed.
By a very old trick,
Without shovel or pick,
She mines all of her carbon in bed.
My son has a ring in his nose
Well, that’s the cool style (I suppose!)
When it’s time for his blow
He tries to go slow
Yet that ring still shoots down to his toes.
There was a lass from Newcastle
Who thought her pubes looked a frazzle
She crossed over the Tyne
Drank two bottles of wine
And came back with a sparkling vajazzle
I’m just so in love with “Sweet Chuck”‘
He gave me a ring, (What good luck!)
I was really impressed
And he proudly expressed:
“It came from the back of a truck”
His partner was showing concern
For an unblemished penis she’d yearn
He was not to be trusted
It was Jewel encrusted
She soon was feeling the burn
My kitchen sink’s leaking. Oh dear!
And an overweight tradesman is here.
The one thing with a plumber
That’s always a bummer
Is having his butt crack appear.
Buying jewelry- I can’t desist.
Never have too much- you get my gist!
They’re wearable works of art,
I was hooked from the start.
That gorgeous pendant! How can I resist!
Pay attention and it is quite clear
That things are much worse than they appear.
The planet is dying,
Sick of GOP lying.
Repubs do what they want and just sneer.
The seagulls all fly by the pier,
Their eyes are sharp-focused and clear.
When they see food, they fight
Flap their wings, sometimes bite.
It’s a life that’s quite harsh and austere.
Smoked sturgeon, caviar without peer,
The prices of those foods are quite dear.
My ego demanded
Can’t leave empty-handed.
So settled on lox, bagel, a schmear.
Ever wonder, when sovereigns are crowned,
Why the headpiece, where jewels surround?
Well, they represent eyes,
Made all-seeing and wise.
There’s no hiding where you won’t be found.
I went to the bar on the pier,
Ate some nuts, drank a dark German beer.
Guy started feeding the birds,
I gave him some choice words..
Attacking gulls were just getting too near.
My mother’s jewels were all rhinestones or glass,
Things a child thought were real, weren’t, alas.
All man-made/created
All silver/ gold plated,
A terrible remembrance of things past.
Revised
I’m just so in love with “Sweet Chuck”
He gave me a ring! What great luck!
I was really impressed
And he proudly expressed:
“It fell off of the back of a truck”
Now young lady, just listen here,
I’m a toff, I’m a Lord, I’m a Peer.
Well I’m Minnie Mouse,
Get out of my house,
The brothel is right over there.
Revision for better grammar
My co-worker’s favorite things
Are her jewels, (as grand as a king’s!)
Each night when we close
She hurriedly goes
To the bank to say, “Hi” to her rings
He is a disgrace without peer,
He mocks women’s looks without fear.
Pussy-grabber in Chief;
Corrupt, immoral thief,
We must depose trashy King Leer.
Pearl, Amber, Ruby and Jade
Got paid by the men that they laid
The less they were wearing
The more they were earning
Just one of the tricks of the trade
Said the hooker, “Your Lordship, I fear
There is nothing that I can do here.
Your ducal regalia
Is frankly a failure –
I’m sorry, I must diss a peer.”
The Professor would constantly whine:
“How I loathe all those students of mine!
It is hell everlasting
To spend my life casting
Fake pearls before genuine swine.”
How Melania Trump Returned Safely from Africa
Said the cannibal chef with a sneer,
“Things are not always what they appear.
That one’s flesh has no taste;
Cooking her’s just a waste —
So don’t bring that Melania here!”
Clooney offered fair Bridget a necklace
If she’d come to his bed and be reckless.
“Why, begorrah, it’s glass!”
Cried the sweet Irish lass;
“Get ye gone, now — ye’ll always be feckless!”
Nonchalant? Well, I might be mistaken,
But I do think Big Orange is fakin’ —
‘Cause it sure looks from here
Like a very short pier
And a very long walk he’ll be takin’.
I’m not bragging, but have to admit
This “Diet for Senior’s” a hit!
My clothes are still tight
I may look like a fright
But my earrings from high school still fit!
He gave her a big diamond ring
He knew she would fall for the bling
But said “Sorry no sex”
As he paid his respects
He had bling but he didn’t have “zing”..
To find out she consulted a seer
To see if her hubby was queer
And the seer said “He’s gay
Get yourself a new lay”
Don’t wait for his peer to appear.
My life is no longer ideal
What happened is just so unreal:
I lost my “mood ring”
Just cannot eat a thing
Cause I really don’t know how I feel.
The love of my life was called Pearl,
A delightful, intelligent girl.
But she left me – I’d “dissed” her
By giving her sister,
The sexy young Ruby, a whirl.
He said, “Please get naked, my Dear”
“Let’s call this “Our Shining Premiere”
Fifty years have gone by
And my spouse makes me cry
Cause now all he does is just peer.
Mad: above limerick: line 4 reads “Now my spouse makes me cry”
Could you please change it to “And my spouse makes me cry”
(as not to use “now” twice)
Thank You
Lisi
***
Done.
If you’re having gut problems, don’t quit
Before pearl in the oyster, there’s grit
Don’t dry sloppy motions
With excessive potions
You’ll be blocked up like Sherlock, no shit!
Said Melania to Donald, “I fear
That you won’t like the way they appear.
But Vladimir said
That the trees must be red,
And you know that he owns you now, dear.”
“Fix Up Date”
He said, “Let us meet at the pier”
EEK! He looked like an over-stuffed deer
He had antlers for ears
Really pointy like spears
I bestowed him a lovely Bronx Cheer.
As part of tradition next year,
Trump’s new Chief of Staff will appear.
Since Mick’s quoted sayin’
Trump’s a terrible bein’,
what’s it say if Agent Orange’s now peer?!?
“Those rocks don’t lose their shape” she said
As she lounged on his large king size bed
“They’re a joy to behold
So I just go for gold
And your diamonds leave Ruby’s for dead”
Revised
Now young lady you have nothing to fear,
I’m a toff, I’m a Lord, I’m a Peer.
Well I’m Minnie Mouse,
Get out of my house,
The brothel is there, NOT IN HERE!
In smarts I have nary a peer
So from Muller I’ve nothing to fear.
You can see those I’m sacking
That they are all lacking.
Seems I’ll be the last one still here.
You’re more lovely than fair Apollonia
I would court you from here to Estonia.
He said,”This diamond ring
Proves my loves the real thing.”
But she found it was cubic zirconia.
It’s a garnet, a ruby it’s not.
Vs. emerald, peridot’s not so hot
It’s easily seen
That one’s red and one’s green,
But, frankly, that’s all that they’ve got.
It takes amethyst and aquamarine.
Emerald, peridot and citrine
Sapphire, morganite,
Topaz,tanzanite,
And diamond for crowning the queen.
There once was a girl from Estonia
Who could drive men to pure catatonia.
Her huge diamond ring
Seemed like serious bling.
’Til we found it was cubic zirconia.
A sleigh and eight tiny reindeer
To my wondering eyes did appear,
But that old man in red?
“You’ve been pouting,” he said.
And drove right on by me this year
D.T. and his sidekick, J.K.,
Deck their “trophies” in jewels each day —
But what I’d love to see
Is those two (K. and T.)
Clamped in “bracelets” and carted away!
The Pres has another career
(To the people, he’s made it real clear)
It’s a hobby real lewd
In which bimbos ask, “Dude
Just when will the magic appear?”
We only have sex once a year
My “hubby” said, “Listen, now dear:
“For a man who is fading
It’s really worth waiting
Cause in summer, it starts to appear”
A fable heard year after year
Has been changed, but there’s no need to fear
Snow White was okay
But on one certain day
Her HAPPY face did not appear.
Now here was a really great year:
Sixty Three! We “made out” and drank beer!
The ” drive in” was cool
(Never followed a rule)
And we prayed that the cops wouldn’t peer.
“I bought you a necklace, Michelle!
With diamonds as clear as a bell!”
“Oh my dear; you are sweet!
Now I feel so complete!
But I’ve got enough gems (LOL)”
Aside from just having a fling,
Her exes share one common thing.
Have fun – they sure did,
But then each ran and hid
When she said “Now show me the ring!”
“Our petition detailed a shocking pattern of illegality involving the Trump Foundation — including unlawful coordination with the Trump presidential campaign, repeated and willful self-dealing, and much more. This amounted to the Trump Foundation functioning as little more than a checkbook to serve Mr. Trump’s business and political interests.”
Retribution begins to appear!
The judicial meat-grinder is here.
Trump’s Foundation’s dissolved,
And the people involved
Will be mincemeat, we hope, by next year.
From bogus degrees to bad steaks,
He has sold us a boatload of fakes –
But it starts to appear
That this sad racketeer
Will do time, for as long as it takes.
I lost me a whole heap of blood
When I got me a new navel stud.
I couldn’t be sillier
Cos I’ve got haemophilia,
And it came out just like Noah’s Flood.
“That’s not the tiara I want!”
Said Meghan, her nose out of joint.
Then the Queen put her straight,
“You selfish ingrate,
I am the one to anoint.”
“Check me out!’ Ginger Thomas would leer,
Quite convinced that he hadn’t a peer.
Then his owner said, “Pet!
Say ‘Hello’ to the vet;
Start adjusting to life as a steer.”
It’s always a little bit chancy
When choosing a gift for my Nancy
Not the usual bling,
Maybe clitoral ring
Would really tickle her fancy
Under the boardwalk of Brighton pier
A drunken encounter cost me dear
I gave him my all
Up against the wall
The little‘n’s due early next year
Said Mueller, “Despite all the jeers,
Each day as his reckoning nears,
Our final details
Involve checking out jails
To find Trump a jury of his peers.”
updated version
Said Mueller, “Despite all the jeers,
Each day as his reckoning nears,
Trump bites his nails
As we look in jails
To find him a jury of his peers.”
Got a necklace, so if I should fall
The medics in town get a call.
The device somehow failed
In the bath tub I sailed
(Button blocked by my son-in-law Paul)
The ocean was blue and so clear
We sat there in awe every year
Then Jimmy confessed
In bed I’m “not best”
So I pushed him right off of the pier
We kissed at the Baltimore pier
He called me his “sweet darling dear”
But I got so depressed
When he reached for my chest
Those falsies would just not adhere
At first Bobby started to peer
He wasted no time (made it clear!)
He ripped off my dress
I then said, in distress
“I insist that we start in first gear.
“Swatch Watch” intended for casual wear founded in 1983
I told him I wanted a watch
The kind that’s “real cool” called a “Swatch”
He said, “OKAY DEAL!
I’ll buy one with appeal
If you show me your beautiful crotch”
Correction
I’ve a necklace, so if I should fall
The medics in town get a call
In the bathtub I sailed
This device truly failed
(It was smashed by my son-in-law Paul)
She has rings on her fingers and toes;
There are studs in her ears, tongue and nose.
But her guy doesn’t mind.
And there’s more bling to find
If down’s the direction he goes.
Watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Caused me to have an epiphany.
There’s no need to buy
If you are nigh
And can’t buy one earring, if any.
We like to think we have made it
Having fortune amassed and displayed it.
Spurred, ‘twould appear
By greed and fear,
Of compassion and love? We betrayed it!
Mr Morgan, it would appear
Had a thing for Meghan, The Dear.
Not one to tarry
Once she’d met Harry
Caused her, spectre like, to disappear.
You’ve got to go to this site,
It’ll keep you up surfing all night.
They’ve got an App here
That seems your thoughts steer
And keeps whetting your App-E-tite.
Sailors’ file sharing network won’t fear
Prosecution from government here
‘Cause they have many sorts
Of connections at ports.
So their network is called peer-to-pier.
One of life’s great learning “tools”
Is a proverb that’s taught in our schools”
“Do unto others
As if they were brothers
And the one with gold gems makes the rules”
Here comes Susie! It sure does appear
That she’s bringing a Christmas gift, dear!
It’s called “Candle For Praying”
And I just heard her saying
She got all of the wax from your ear!
My Janie’s now 20, I fear
She’ll be all alone like last year.
So I found her a “catch”
And I think it’s a match
In his 90’s, he seems to appear.
correction: better!
Here comes Susie! It sure does appear
That she’s bringing your Christmas gift, dear
Last night she was saying
It’s a “Candle For Praying”
And got all her wax from your ear.
another version of a previous limerick
I’ve a necklace, so if I should fall
The medics in town get a call
I pretended to slip
Cause they’re all just so hip
We boogied and danced. Had a ball
Why does daddy always disappear
When it’s time for Santa to appear
I used to believe
Until this Christmas Eve
They’re one and the same person, I fear
The vegetable stand would appear
To be managed by pirates this year.
Their particular vice is
They charge extreme prices.
Their corn costs a full buccaneer.
Queen Victoria’s Consort gave his name to this type of ornament.
A ‘Prince Albert’s’ a ring you might fear
With the fitting, you might shed a tear
Lords asked “If I can bear it,
Then where shall I wear it”?
Of course, on the end of the peer!
Years ago, I just loved all the girls
Especially “Sue” with the curls
This gal was so slow
And near Christmas, said, “Joe
Can you give me some wisdom of pearls?”
Let me tell you ’bout real stingy Max
(Also lazy, just wants to “relax”)
Diamond earrings I crave
So for Christmas he gave
Me the ones that I want, just the backs.
The High Cost Of Jewelry
Gee! Tiffany’s has a chic box
That blue one I bought her just “rocks”
I can’t afford rings
Or them real fancy blings
So I filled it with bagels and lox.
My husband’s a really nice guy
Yet diamonds, he just will not buy!
He says, “Lucy Dear
I have made it real clear:
They’re way up in the marmalade sky”
Terminology don’t mean a thing;
Call it ornament, jewel or bling.
There’s no if and no but,
Carat, colour and cut
Give whatever you call it, its zing.
Cad’s are not what they try to appear,
And your virtue, young ladies, is dear.
So, beware! Stay on guard;
Don’t sell cheap; bargain hard.
And make sure that the contract is clear.
There once was a man without peer
Who could see only from his left ear.
When he tried to turn right
He got lost in the night
And he didn’t come back for a year.
My divorce is now finally here
He cheated on me every year!
Then he stole my iPhone
(Makes me feel so alone)
Back in court he must now reappear
Jane wears precious stones on her wrist
In the hopes that someday she’ll be kissed
If she just took a shower
She’d gain much more power
And could toss that damn thing in the mist
Mad: line 5 of above limerick:” And could toss that damn thing in the mist”
should be “And toss that damn thing in the mist”
Could you fix that for me?
Thank you, Lisi
To find the right man, I’ve been told
He should not be too young or too old
But regardless of age
My dear mother the “sage”
Said, “Honey, just go for the gold”
Between the lines, there runs a thread
Of all should be, but isn’t said.
So let’s be clear
They now appear…
Oh damn, they’ve gone from my head.
The States, “Land of the Walled.”
By Trump, the budget forestalled.
It seems to appear
He spreads no Christmas cheer
“The Free”, should be rightly appalled.
Into the night sky I peer
To locate the sound I can hear.
The soft faint sound swells,
It’s jingling bells,
It seems that Santa is here.
Said the partridge who lived in a tree
Our song is not right for Marie!
Her fingers are bare
So five rings she must wear
Let’s get rid of line six. You agree?
Better
Said the partridge who lived in a tree
Our song is not right for Marie!
Her fingers are bare
Golden rings she must wear
Let’s get rid of line six. You agree?
Sang America’s favorite sing’a
“Those baubles they sure jinga ling’a”
If he buys you a ring
With “Ole Blue Eyes” you’ll sing:
“I’m so happy it’s now on my fing’a”
Oops! Didn’t read the song correctly!
Try again
Said the partridge who lived in a tree
I’m so happy to meet you, Marie
Your fingers were bare
Golden rings you now wear
All because of line six. You agree?
The song of Christmas time cheer
Says ten leaping Lords do appear.
One’s missing a Lady,
Her name is Miss Sadie,
She’s under the stairs with the Peer.
Round her neck was a necklace of jade
In a setting so proudly displayed
Was a present from Jim
But if you asked him
He’d say “It is fake. I’m afraid”
We “senior” gals all want that ring
In hopes for that one “final fling”
We sure dress to kill
Cuz we’re waiting until
Our hearts will again go zing zing.
At Mad’s suggestion, I am posting Jean McEwen’s excellent Limerick in advance of my own verses which took inspiration from her verse, and explore the possibilty that June is not as innocent as she may seem. All respect to Jean.
“Pervy Pete, stealth voyeur, loves to leer
At June’s jumbo-sized tits and her rear.
Clueless June’s unaware
Of Pete’s lecherous stare
Because only through panes dares Pete peer.”
Jean McEwen
Pervy Pete’, would by stealth, watch and leer
At June’s thirty-six Ds and her rear,
Thinking, “June’s unaware
Of my lecherous stare.”
But things aren’t as they sometimes appear.
Fully conscious of Pete’s lustful scan,
June has taken great pains for ‘her’ man.
And each night, something new
Is presented to view,
To hold interest as long as she can.
Me
Or – and please bear in mind, Van Gogh had his sunflowers and I merely follow his lead.
Pervy Pete’, would by stealth, watch and leer
At June’s thirty-six Ds and her rear,
Thinking, “June’s unaware
Of my lecherous stare.”
But things aren’t as they sometimes appear.
June embraces Pete’s lecherous stare,
And has gone to great lengths to prepare,
For a nightly routine,
Only slightly obscene,
That is both entertaining and rare.
On an out of the way seaside pier
Skulks a second-rate, short-sighted seer.
He’ll predict, so to speak,
What might happen next week,
But beyond that his vison’s unclear.
Keen voyeur, Dexter ogles by stealth.
Well, some habits can damage one’s health.
Never one to appear
Partisan, he will leer
Irrespective of station or wealth.
June and Peter are soulmates, of sorts.
Peter ogles while Junie cavorts.
If his interest should wane,
She’d be no one again,
And she’d stiff competition from sports.
Mystic Madge plies her trade on the pier.
Drawing punters both distant and near.
Does she have second sight?
One prediction came right.
Ever since she’s been hailed as a seer.
June and Peter are are soulmates, of sorts.
Peter ogles while Junie cavorts.
Should his interest wane,
She’d be no one, again,
And she’s stiff competition from sports.
When one garners a rep’ as a seer,
One is frequently pestered to peer
Into issues diverse,
Or obscure, or perverse,
And expected to make matters clear.
When one garners a rep’ as a seer,
One is frequently pestered to peer
Into issues diffuse,
Recondite and abstruse,
And make plain what before was unclear.
(The Truth; it’s Fabulous)
I’m so glad that I’m now living here
I could go every day of the year
To a place that’s so neat
And just really a treat
It’s Chicago’s renowned “Navy Pier”
I’m so glad that I’m now living here
I could go every day of the year
Surely one of a kind
I must brag; please don’t mind
It’s Chicago’s renowned “Navy Pier”
Better, I think.
When one garners a rep’ as a seer,
One is frequently pestered to peer
Into matters diverse,
Or obscure, or perverse,
And expected to render them clear.
On the surface, it seemed to appear
That my wife and myself were sincere
But she nagged me all day
Was a “pain in the A”
I’m so glad that I no longer hear
Are you wanting control of a bull?
Put a ring through his nose and then pull.
A ‘Prince Albert’ will sting,
But do much the same thing;
Shame you can’t eat a man like a bull.
Tucked away on the end of the pier,
Lives a short-sighted, second-rate seer.
He’ll consult, if you wish,
Via satellite dish,
If prevailing conditions are clear.
It’s fun to sit out by the pier
On a day when the water’s so clear
If you jump off the dock
Hit your head on a rock
You’ll know that you’ve had too much beer.
another version
It’s fun to sit out by the pier
On a day when the water’s so clear
If you take a swan dive
Then don’t think you’re alive
You’ll know that you’ve had too much beer
So, I’m clinched with my girl by the pier,
When, unbidden, Brad Pitt did appear
In my mind. Would you say,
“Face it, Mate! You are gay.”?
It’s a question to ponder. How queer.
A collection of stones was the plan,
Which meant saddling herself with a man.
Filthy rich, well insured,
Deaf and blind; once secured,
She’d have leisure to shorten his span.
A collection of stones was the plan,
So, she saddled herself with a man.
Filthy rich, well insured,
Deaf and blind; once secured,
She took measures to shorten his span.
The trouble with Congress this year
Is the same as before, ‘twould appear.
All their falsehoods are jokes.
They’re re-lie-able folks
Who seek power and money; that’s clear.
Summer days on the beach, catching rays;
Getting bronzed, watching babes, making plays.
Then at night, necking beer,
‘Round the fire by the pier,
Taking bets on the ‘wills’ and the ‘mays’.
As he fastened the necklace in place,
He betrayed, by a twitch of his face,
That this gift made her his,
But, the thing of it is,
It was she who’d snared him, in this case.
Minor variation.
As he fastened the necklace in place,
He betrayed, by the smile on his face.
That he thought, she was his,
But the thing of it is,
He was hers, as is often the case.
I’ve got earrings and bracelets, galore
With all of the rich guys I score
Now I’m moving away
In this town I can’t stay
Gotta find some more dupes. I want more.
So, I’m clinched with my girl, by the pier,
When, unbidden, Brad Pitt did appear
In my mind. Would you say,
“Face it, Mate! You are gay.”?
It’s a question to ponder. How queer.
Deeply troubled, depressed and in doubt,
I was told, “Mate! You’d better watch out.”
Angelina Jolie
Had come looking for me;
Well! I wonder what that’s all about?
Are you on steroids, Lisi? I can’t keep up with you. LOL.
Another Improvement.
As he fastened the necklace in place,
He betrayed, by a twitch of his face,
That this gift made her his,
But, the thing of it is,
It was she who’d snared him; watch this space.
That should be the end of it.
So, I’m clinched with my girl, by the pier,
When, unbidden, Brad Pitt did appear
In my mind. Would you say,
“Face it, Mate! You are gay.”?
It’s a question to ponder. How queer.
Deeply troubled, depressed and in doubt,
I was told, “Mate! You’d better watch out.”
Angelina Jolie
Had come looking for me;
Well! I wonder what that’s all about?
Well, Brad Pitt has some issues, it seems,
And has visions of me in his dreams.
Ms Jolie, not best pleased,
Took exception and squeezed,
And I’m told you can still hear the screams.
Sorry! Had to be done.
So, I’m clinched with my girl, by the pier,
When, unbidden, Brad Pitt did appear
In my mind. Would you say,
“Face it, Mate! You are gay.”?
It’s a question to ponder. How queer.
Deeply troubled, depressed and in doubt,
I was told, “Mate! You’d better watch out.”
Angelina Jolie
Had come looking for me;
Well! I wonder what that’s all about?
Poor Brad Pitt! Has some issues, it seems,
And has visions of me in his dreams.
Ms Jolie, not best pleased,
Took exception and squeezed.
Someone said you can still hear the screams.
Having plundered the men of this land,
Lady pirate Delicia Salkand,
Set a course for new shores,
Seeking wealthy amours,
With her treasure chest ready at hand.
…
Well, what to my eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and some deer?
I truly must stop
Downing tasty brown slop
Ere I end up flat down on my rear.
The jury box stifled a jeer
And kitty cat shuddered in fear
There’s word in the air
This trial is not fair
No canine here looks like a peer
…
Trump is a pee-er without peer.
But he often misses? Never fear!
For the mellow fellow
Gilds his toilets yellow,
Hence the golden showers disappear!
“This is Harvey. Please welcome him here.
He likes good conversation and beer.
No, this isn’t a hoax.
He’s a Pookah – no jokes –
And makes troubles and cares disappear.”
It is time I revealed what took place
On the day I was whisked into space.
They don’t probe, poke, or peer,
Or indeed, interfere;
But they push pretty hard for first base.
Hey, Flu! Who invited you here?
You’re a terrible pain in the rear —
You’re making me ache,
Sneeze, shiver and shake.
Get out, for Pete’s sake! Disappear!
An old man fished on a pier
Heard siren sounds that came near
It was a mermaid he saw
With a very long claw
Snatching him down in her blue water pier
One too many syllables in the last line, I know, and I shall try to correct it; but until then..
Clitoris, nipples, earlobes and tongue;
Wow! I can feel it. That has to have stung.
You want me to get one?
Through my penis! It’s fun!
Ain’t gonna happen! I’m too highly strung.
And the second line I’ve just noticed. B*m!
Everyone said of Walter, “He’s staid.”
Then he married and Walter got laid.
Why he didn’t appear
For six weeks, was made clear,
When a, “DO NOT DISTURB!” sign displayed.
People wrote off poor Walter. “He’s staid.”
But then Wally got married – and laid.
Cop said, “No cause for fear.”
When they didn’t appear;
“There’s a, “DO NOT DISTURB!” sign displayed.”
On occasion, Walt’ would not be swayed,
But his wife knew that when he got laid,
She could fondle his spear
Till a grin would appear;
After which, Walt’ was easily played.
When wearing real gold, you just glitter
You always feel happy, not bitter
I buy so many rings
And all kinds of cool blings
I could stop, but I’m just not a quitter
At “Kim Son’s” we Jews all appear
Thus Christmas is finally here!
Not one wonton’s a waste
Cuz like kreplach they taste
So go and get stuffed. Have no fear.
Gee! During the course of this year
I’ve made 500 friends, “near and dear”
Yet Facebook’s complex
Cause a click on the”x”
Seems to make all of them disappear!
Protecting The Family Jewels
When my wife had the stud through her clit’,
I was shaken, I freely admit.
“It was just a small prick.”
She said, eyeing my dick.
“Now I’m thinking of one for each tit.”
She was hoping we’d reach concordat,
As one hand gave my manhood a pat.
“You want me to do what?
On your bike! I will not!
It’s barbaric! I won’t stand for that.”
On the outside it seems to appear
That our love is so truly sincere
But inside I’m dreaming
And secretly scheming
To slash all your tires, my dear.
I’ve lowered my standards, it’s clear
There is no place I need to appear
Having toddlers one knows
You can wear dirty clothes
And have real messy hair and not care.
Political chatter this year
On Facebook will always appear
To keep all those friends
Just follow the trends
And make your opinions unclear.
Protecting The Family Jewels – The Saga Continues
When my wife had the stud through her clit’,
I was shaken, I freely admit.
“It was just a small prick.”
She said, eyeing my dick.
“Now I’m thinking of one for each tit.”
As one hand gave my manhood a pat,
She was hoping we’d reach concordat.
“You want me to do what?
On your bike! I will not!
It’s barbaric! I won’t stand for that.”
I was shaken. How could she suggest
That I perforate him I love best.
Though I shrink from that course,
These are grounds for divorce.
It’s a cruel and unusual request.
Protecting The Family Jewels – A Happy End?
When my wife had the stud through her clit’,
I was shaken, I freely admit.
“It was just a small prick.”
She said, eyeing my dick.
“Now I’m thinking of one for each tit.”
As one hand gave my manhood a pat,
She was hoping we’d reach concordat.
“You want me to do what?
On your bike! I will not!
It’s barbaric! I won’t stand for that.”
I was shaken. How could she suggest
That I perforate him I love best.
Though I shrink from that course,
These are grounds for divorce.
It’s a cruel and unusual request.
Comes a time when your fears must be faced,
Though the run-up is best if it’s paced.
With her holding my hand
I manned up, took my stand,
Brought my friend to the table – and braced.
correction line 5 syllable error 9:36 AM (today)
When wearing real gold, you just glitter
You always feel happy, not bitter
I buy so many rings
And all kinds of cool blings
I shop, then shop more (I’m no quitter)
It clicked and at last did appear
Thus now it is so very clear!
For those paychecks I yearn
It’s real cool what I earn
And it’s not this real dumb-ass career.
Protecting The Family Jewels – A Happy End?
When my wife had the stud through her clit’,
I was shaken, I freely admit.
“It was just a small prick.”
She said, eyeing my dick.
“Next, I thought I’d have one for each tit.”
As one hand gave my manhood a pat,
She was hoping we’d reach concordat.
“You want me to do what?
On your bike! I will not!
It’s barbaric! I won’t stand for that.”
I was livid. How could she suggest
That I perforate him I love best.
Though I shrink from that course,
These are grounds for divorce.
It’s a cruel and unusual request.
What to do? What to do? What to do?
Am I making too much ballyhoo?
I’ve a choice: Lose my wife,
Who’s the love of my life,
Or risk making my nightmares come true.
Comes a time when one’s fears must be faced,
Though the run-up is best if it’s paced.
With her holding my hand
I manned up, took my stand,
Brought my friend to the table – and braced.
When “seniors” get colds, they appear
To have an intuitive fear
They know that a sneeze
Is no longer a breeze
And could cause something strangely severe.
At “senior” age we have no fear
All the ladies have faces real clear
We’re not yet down the tubes
Cuz the weight of our boobs
Makes our wrinkles just all disappear.
The lies he told were barefaced
He bought gems of dubious taste
She married the creep
But sold herself cheap
When tested, the jewels were paste
correction one limerick above (better)
Senior ladies just do not have fear!
And our faces look smooth and real clear
We’re not “down to the tubes”
Cuz the weight of our boobs
Makes our wrinkles just all disappear
Emma’s tribute Nelson
Sex with the Sea Lord is good
To my passion, he opened the flood
After each battle
We shake, roll and rattle
I call him ‘my wee naval stud’!
Situate at the end of the pier,
There’s a frightening, fast-flowing weir,
Which is used, now and then,
By unscrupulous men,
To make bodies they’ve marred, disappear.
Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
Though they may appear down in the chest.
Wanton now, without fear,
So, in bed, without peer.
Every man who has got one is blessed.
Variant Endings
Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
Though they may appear down in the chest.
Wanton now, without fear,
So, in bed, without peer.
Do not take her for granted, you’re blessed.
Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
Though they may appear down in the chest.
Wanton now, without fear,
So, in bed, without peer.
If you happen to have one, you’re blessed.
At age 90, it sure does appear
That my social life’s picked up this year!
‘Tween clinics and docs
My world really rocks
I’m so glad my condition’s severe!
Better.
On occasion, Walt’ would not be swayed,
But his wife, when together they laid,
Knew that stroking his spear,
Made the frown disappear;
After which, Walt’ was easily played.
Don’t be fooled, older woman is best,
Though she may appear down in the chest.
Wanton now, without fear,
So, in bed, without peer.
Do not take her for granted, you’re blessed.
I missed Janet’s birthday this year
Her reaction was very severe!
Said I wasn’t to blame
And it’s really a shame
That on Facebook it didn’t appear
Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
Though they may appear down in the chest.
Wanton now, without fear,
So, in bed, without peer.
If you happen to have one, you’re blessed.
Younger dames can be so cavalier;
If you can’t cut the mustard, they sneer.
But a matron will coax;
With a few artful strokes,
She will make what was missing appear.
Older women aren’t sugar and spice
All the same, they are still very nice.
They can shift through the gears,
Under bridges or piers,
And will often give useful advice.
In the afterlife I shall appear
As a ghost to some “pains in the rear”
I know who I’ll haunt
And certainly taunt
(My list multiplies every year)
Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
Though they may appear down in the chest.
Wanton now, without fear,
So, in bed, without peer.
If you happen to have one, you’re blessed.
Older women aren’t sugar and spice
All the same, they are still very nice.
They can shift through the gears,
Under bridges or piers,
And quite often, give useful advice.
Younger dames can be so cavalier;
If you can’t cut the mustard, they sneer.
But a matron will coax;
With a few artful strokes,
She will make what was lacking, appear.
When the old girl is really on form,
Then twice nightly is likely the norm.
Is she really that good?
Well, from limp she’ll make wood,
And encouraged, she’ll whip up a storm.
Large or small, older women are best.
Look beyond drooping butt, sagging breast.
Their experience tells,
They outshine younger gels;
Ask my grandad, he’s all ways impressed.
Circumstances have made life austere,
And long months may go by without cheer.
But no matter my plight,
I can trust Christmas night,
Will see Santa make presents appear.
“Melissa, it seems to appear
When I speak, you just simply can’t hear”
“Oh Steven, not true
Only when I see you
I shove cotton balls in each ear”
After Nelson spent time ‘on the soup’
Emma had fear he would droop
No cure intravenous
But a ring on his penis
She’s happy and he’s cock-a-hoop
I think this gets it out of my system.
Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
Though they may appear down in the chest.
Wanton now, without fear,
So, in bed, without peer.
If you happen to have one, you’re blessed.
Older women aren’t sugar and spice
All the same, they are still very nice.
They can shift through the gears,
Under bridges or piers,
And quite often, give useful advice.
Younger dames can be so cavalier;
If you can’t cut the mustard, they sneer.
But a matron will coax;
With a few artful strokes,
She will make what was lacking, appear.
Older women are great in the sack,
And for keeping old codgers on track.
To the fool they appear,
Past their best. “Well my Dear,
Will a girl make you cum, then a snack?”
When the old girl is really on form,
Then twice nightly is likely the norm.
“Is she really that good?”
Well, from limp she’ll make wood,
And encouraged, she’ll whip up a storm.
Large or small, older women are best.
Look beyond drooping butt, sagging breast.
Their experience tells,
They outshine younger gels;
Ask my grandad, he’s all ways impressed.
correction of line 5 of a previous limerick
In the afterlife, I shall appear
As a ghost to some “pains in the rear”
I know who I’ll haunt
And certainly taunt
My list just gets bigger each year.
A romantic date under the pier,
Till the creep slipped a drug in her beer.
She put a gun to his head,
“Drink it all, or you’re dead!”
He passed out, she said, “I’m outta here!”
“Seaside trips,” Mum recalled, “once a year,
Were our treat growing up around here.
Most girls bought souvenirs,
But I’d had a few beers,
And have you to remember the pier.”
“Seaside trips,” Mum recalled, “once a year,
Were our treat growing up around here.
Most girls bought souvenirs,
But I’d had a few beers;
Thanks to you, I remember the pier.”
Mum sits staring, all day, into space,
With a dreamy-eyed smile on her face.
When I probe, she says, “Dear,
Do not fret when I peer;
I’m reliving a time and a place.”
When I pressed, Mum said, “All right, my Dear.
You’re the product of bright lights and beer.
I’ve no photo’ of Dad,
He were nowt burrah lad,
But I still have some snaps of the pier.”
“Seaside trips,” Mum recalled, “once a year,
Were our treat growing up around here.
Most girls bought souvenirs,
But I’d had a few beers;
But for you, I’d forgotten the pier.”
Sadly it seems to appear,
Who’ll fund Trump’s wall is unclear,
His backers would say
He’d have Mexico pay,
Or were those rally chants insincere?
The “Google Ghost” seems to appear
At least 50 times in one year!
I hate my damn job
‘Wanna work for the mob
It keeps saying, “No WHACK-A Career”
Life, at times, can be cruelly austere,
Which turns some into men without peer.
I break too many rules
To be one of those fools;
I love women and gambling and beer.
I once was in Trump’s Taj Mahal
Where I saw, in a vault in a wall,
All his loot. No surprise
When it greeted my eyes:
His family jewels are quite small.
Life, at times, can be cruelly austere,
Which turns some into men without peer.
I break too many rules
To be one of those fools;
I’m addicted to women and beer.
Resilved?
‘Tis on nights much like this one, I fear,
That my ghosts will conspire to appear.
I’ll get drunk, make a fool
Of myself – I may drool,
Then say, “Never Again!” each New Year.
That should have been resolved?
Off Piste, But Seasonal.
I’m resolved to do better this year.
No more chocolate, cholesterol, or beer.
If I’m strict, I’ll succeed;
I can still smoke some weed
In those moments when life’s too austere.
This New Year I’m determined to hold
To decisions both sweeping and bold.
And when life’s too severe,
I’ve got chocolate and beer;
They can be such a comfort, I’m told.
I can only apologise for the inherent cynicism of this limerick. I am heartily ashamed of myself and am resolved to do better.
New Year’s Re-Delusions?
If you’re breaking bad habits this year,
That will change how you think and appear,
Take some time to reflect
On the cause and effect;
Have you got what it takes to adhere?
As I lstood on the end of the pier,
Watching sun set, and moonlight appear,
Someone struck from behind,
Before robbing me blind;
Not the best way to start the New Year.
While fishing off Baltimore Pier
I experienced something quite queer
I caught a small note
That a mackerel wrote
Saying, “Busy, please come back next year”
Darling Steven, it seems to appear
That you’re crying! (I noticed a tear)
What?? On Google PAGE TWO??
And still not quite THROUGH?
Your torment is now very clear!
Said Mueller, “Despite all the jeers,
Each day as his reckoning nears,
Trump bites his nails
As we look in jails
To find him a jury of his peers.”
Said Mueller, “Despite all the jeers,
Each day as his reckoning nears,
Trump bites his nails
As we look in jails
To find him a jury of his peers.”
It seems to real strongly appear
Sam chooses what HE wants to hear!
I said, “Please clean the house”
And my sweet darling spouse
Said, “Thank you I WILL have a beer”
Does the urge to put changes in place
Have you staring resolve in the face?
Take a break from your fears,
Till good sense reappears,
Then proceed at a leisurely pace.
At the Club, whilst in full exhort,
A fellow pulled me up short.
“In The Lords”, said the peer,
‘That’s fine, but not here.’
Came his pointed retort
I bought her a new diamond ring
And thought, with joy, she would sing.
She said, “Gee you’re selfish,
Of carat’s it’s twelveish,
I expected some much bigger bling”.
The pearl, I took from the oyster,
Deep in its submarine cloister,
To give to My Dear
So she won’t shed a tear
As I and my fellow men roister.
I thought I’d buy her a trinket.
Yes, do more than just think it.
Go down to the store
And out cash I will pour,
You know the sort? You can clink it.
I put this on a new noticeboard at work about four years ago…
This note is the first to appear
On this new board that is here.
Will it be awed
Or Notice bored?
We’ll know if it’s here in a year
Related to the above, but not to the task in hand, I put this on a board at a different establishment about two years ago…
This notice board of notes bereft
Of all the notes just this is left
If reading this in some way
Helps to brighten up your day
Yay! If not, it’s all in jeft.
On A Theological Note…
(With Textual Varients)
Dicky Dawkins, when taken with beer,
Is convinced he’s made God disappear.
How to tell him? “Dear Dick,
That’s a very neat trick,
But you’re somewhat deluded, I fear.”
Dicky Dawkins, when taken with beer,
Is convinced he’s made God disappear.
How to tell him? “Dear Dick,
That’s a very neat trick,
But it’s Dicky’s delusion, I fear.”
Variation On A Favourite Theme:
Older gals have perfected the knack;
Makes them peerlessly good in the sack.
Show restraint; don’t appear
Over eager; they’ll steer,
And when ready, they’ll take up the slack.
Older gals have perfected the knack;
Makes them peerlessly good in the sack.
Show restraint; don’t appear
Over eager; they’ll steer,
And when ready, they’ll take up the slack.
Like fine wine, to be ‘bought’ when they’re young,
And laid down. (They’ll be too highly strung.)
When allowed to mature,
They achieve full allure;
These are gems to be treasured, not slung.
Like a gem in the snout of a pig,
Is a voice on the lips of a prig.
Always quick to put down;
Ever ready to frown;
Best defence is to not give a fig.
an updated version of a previous limerick for the New Year
While fishing off Baltimore Pier
I experienced something quite queer
I caught a small note
Which a mackerel wrote:
“Order all fish online. Starts this year”
Not a Duplicate
Political chatter this year
On Facebook will surely appear
To keep all those friends
Just follow the trends
And make your opinions unclear
While musing on Baltimore Pier
I thought about Trump with great fear
He was not in the know
And the song doesn’t go:
“It wasn’t a very good year”
There was this lass who loved the rhinestone
She put bling on her shoes, lunch plates, phone
When she rhinestoned the cat
The cat had none of that
Pawed her phone down the porcelain throne
Brett Kavanaugh said, “Let’s all peer
At this document I hold so dear.
It will prove I am pure
So you’ll all know for sure
Please take note of each calendar year”
correction of a previous limerick to make more sense
While musing at Baltimore Pier
I thought about Trump with great fear
He’s just not in the know
Cuz the song doesn’t go:
“It wasn’t a very good year”
Hi Mad,
Happy New Year and hope you had a great Christmas.
Correction for January 1, 2019 at 11:39 pm
adding an I before took is probable better.
i.e. The pearl, I took from the oyster
Cheers
Tim
*****
Done, and happy New year back to you!
My resolutions for the New Year
Were to be happy and full of cheer,
To walk everywhere
And to be without care…
Then these bloody Lime scooters appear.
Oh dear me oh dear me oh dear
I never should’ve drunk so much beer
I got myself tight
And piddled all night
And now I am known as the peer.
I’ve been drunk, which is why I feel queer,
For twelve days, three of which are this year.
I have had me a ball,
But can’t seem to recall
How I ended up under this pier.
Better?
I’ve been drunk, which is why I feel queer,
For twelve days, three of which are this year.
Sure, I’ve had me a ball,
But I’d like to recall
How I ended up under this pier.
“If they don’t flash and sparkle, who cares?
It’s the flashes and sparkles, that snares.
See, the thrill of the thing
Ain’t in wearing the bling;
It’s the goose bumps I get when they stares.”
I’m resolved, in this coming New Year,
To renounce all bad habits – and beer.
Should I falter, be kind
But, if need be, remind
Why I’m banned from four pubs and the pier.
Santa Claus, when at last he appeared,
Somewhat rumpled, Mum straightening his beard.
“Do be quick! Drop your sack,
And then, please hurry back!”
This explains why my Dad’s been so weird.
Santa Claus took his time, but appeared,
Somewhat rumpled, Mum straightening his beard.
“You be quick! Drop your sack,
Then do, please, hurry back!”
Now I see why Dad’s acting so weird.
Sensing Santa was not far away,
I crept out of my bedroom, but, “Hey!”
Who but Mum should appear,
In a negligee sheer,
To say, “Santa! It’s Christmas. Let’s play!”
“Overpaid Oversexed And Overhere” (a well-known comic line making fun
of U.S. Army, World War Two)
In Las Vegas it seems to appear
That those call girls have quite a career
At the famous “Red Light”
A sign shines so bright:
“Overpaid Oversexed” Entrance Here”
The lady was irked it did appear,
Her loutish mate liked to domineer.
Take more of his guff?
Enough is enough
And she threw him right out on his ear.
I came home and was terribly shocked!
My door was smashed up and unlocked!
Many treasures were taken
But I wasn’t shaken
My jewel’ry was still in its box.
Sensing Santa was not far away,
I peeped out from my bedroom, but, “Hey!”
Who but Mum should appear?
Saying, “Ho, ho, good cheer!
It’s your Christmas, too, Santa. Let’s play.”
I am a leader, renowned, without peer,
And I, our country will steer,
To make our great state
Once again great…
Damn, that’s great too often I fear.
Bleary-eyed, he continued to peer,
Till a voice, at once chill and severe,
Said, “I’ll tell once more
What I told you before.
I can’t serve you – you’ve drunk all our beer.”
Sorry! Minor Omission.
Bleary-eyed, he continued to peer,
Till a voice, at once chill and severe,
Said, “I’ll tell you once more
What I told you before.
I can’t serve you – you’ve drunk all our beer.”
Better last line.
I’ve been drunk, which is why I feel queer,
For twelve days, three of which are this year.
Sure, I’ve had me a ball,
But I’d like to recall
How I managed to knock down the pier.
“My dick, Doc,” the man said, “I fear
Is shaped like an upside-down pear;
It’s wide there’s no doubt,
But then won’t come out —
And that is the reason we’re here.”
A fellow felt constant despair,
His thing small beyond all compare,
He got a tattoo
That said “Objects you view
Are larger than they may appear.”
Why is it that men always peer
At our breasts, and that habit is clear!
Can’t remember our face
It’s a total disgrace!
And we’re married just over a year!
“Came home early today, my sweet dear
At the store, not a soul did appear!
Why, “Hello, Mr. Nude
I don’t mean to intrude”
(I’ve a feeling there’s someone else here)
I am dying, oh dear what a sin!
Will my husband know where to begin?
His friend Mary’s here often
I’ve made sure that my coffin
Gets all of my jewel’ry thrown in.
correction of previous limerick…..plural, not singular
Brett Kavanaugh said “Let’s all peer
At these documents, I hold so dear
They will prove I am pure
So you’ll all know for sure:
Please take note of each calendar year”
A nice waiter works on Blue Moon Pier
He can’t tell a wine from a beer
Or fries from tater tots
French bread from garlic knots
He receives one tip- get new career
Janet Nasty will always annoy!
(Every day has a devious ploy)
Tried to steal all my rings
And some other quaint blings
Jealous Janet just jeers at my joy.
“I know what to say when they call me.”
Says a popular gal from Snoqualmie.
She told her friend Mike:
“We can smooch, if you like;
Bring bling if you’re looking to ball me.”
A response to lisi’s question.
Men are taken with all types of tits –
And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
Why would anyone peer
At a face? It’s unclear;
But at bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.
Ye, I know. It’s a bit bleak, but ‘Hey!’, I’m still trying.
Certain habits have dogged my career –
Chasing dames, snorting ‘H’ – and I fear,
If I don’t change my course
Then my boss may, perforce,
Cause the spectre of doom to appear.
That should have been, ‘I’m running on fumes.’
LOL.
Having done all that’s possible here –
I’m tapped out, well’s run dry, neutral gear –
I’ll sit back now and wait,
To discover my fate,
And for new theme and words to appear.
Expanded response to Lisi.
Men are taken with all types of tits –
And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
Why would anyone peer
At a face? It’s unclear;
But at bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.
Why are bosoms so cute to us chaps?
It’s the thrill of releasing the straps.
And the hooks, eyes, or lace,
Till we come breast to face,
With the sight that turns men into saps.
“Would our guests,” said Queen Liz, “be inclined
To nip orf to the tow’r, when we’ve dined?”
Oh, poor queen! What a shock!
All the jew’ls are in hock.
And did anyone ask, “Will she mind?”
Left each husband at Baltimore Pier
Said “Good Bye” I shed only one tear
Never saw them again
Until last night at ten
(Channel 6: “Star Trek’s Final Frontier”)
another version of a previous limerick
Why is it that men always peer
At our breasts and that habit is clear!
Can’t remember our face
It’s a total disgrace
HELLO!!??? I’M YOUR WIFE! LOOK UP HERE!
“Would our guests,” said Queen Liz, “be inclined
To nip orf to the tow’r, when we’ve dined?”
‘Brace yourself for a shock –
The Crown Jew’ls are in hock.’
“FETCH THE FOOL THAT THOUGHT I WOULDN’T MIND.”
HM’s treasurers – financial bind –
Hock Crown Jewels hoping HM won’t mind.
“By the time she finds out,
They’ll be back, I’ve no doubt.”
‘And if not?’ “Then let’s hope she’ll be kind.”
HM’s treasurers – financial bind –
Hock Crown Jewels hoping HM won’t mind.
“By the time she finds out,
They’ll be back, I’ve no doubt.”
‘And if not?’ “We must hope she’ll be kind.”
HM’s treasurers – financial bind –
Hock Crown Jewels, hoping HM won’t mind.
“By the time she finds out,
They’ll be back, I’ve no doubt.”
‘And if not?’ We must hope she’ll be kind.”
“Would our guests,” said Queen Liz, “be inclined
To nip orf to the tow’r, when we’ve dined?”
‘Brace yourself for a shock –
The Crown Jew’ls are in hock.’
“FETCH THE FOOL THAT THOUGHT I WOULDN’T MIND.”
When Her majesty looked on the fool,
Voice and temper were tellingly cool.
“Get them back – sell your spread!
It’s my bling or your head.
Just this once I’m inclined to be cruel.”
It needed and ending.
HM’s treasurers – financial bind –
Hock Crown Jewels, hoping HM won’t mind.
“By the time she finds out,
They’ll be back, I’ve no doubt.”
‘And if not?’ We must hope she’ll be kind.”
“Would our guests,” said Queen Liz, “be inclined
To nip orf to the tow’r, when we’ve dined?”
‘Brace yourself for a shock –
The Crown Jew’ls are in hock.’
“FETCH THE FOOL THAT THOUGHT I WOULDN’T MIND.”
When Her majesty looked on the fool,
Voice and temper were tellingly cool.
“Get them back – sell your spread!
It’s my bling or your head.
Just this once I’m inclined to be cruel.”
They are back now, and out on display.
And to make sure that that’s how things stay,
“Men at Arms – be on guard!
Politicians are barred
And fair game should they get in your way.”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 313. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Cord.
Twas a time when Miss Mary McGreer
like to stroll past the gents on the pier.
As she showed ’em some leg,
all the poor guys would beg,
for a glimpse of that sweet derriere.
He saved up to buy her a ring,.
‘Cause he figured that bling was her thing.
had to sell all his stock,
just to get her that rock,
when she heard that she quickly took wing.
The “gentleman” bought her a beer,
and invited the girl to “sit here.”
It was all fine and dandy,
till he said: “Hey I’m Randy,
and she said: “I am so outta here!”
A waiter who swam by the pier,
developed some sand in his ear.
When the guest asked for water,
he brought a fly swatter.
The problem: he just couldn’t here.