Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: at the end of any one line CORE or CORPS or DÉCOR
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CORE or CORPS or DÉCOR at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SPICE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best spice-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 16, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 15, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
This drink was a very “light pour.”
If you’d like to be paid, pour me more!
Here’s my other complaint
Which is likely to taint
Your review: piss-poor taste in décor.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Alcohol Verse, Bar Humor, Beverage Humor, Competition Limerick, Food and Drink, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Restaurant Humor, Restaurant Reviews & Humor, Writing Prompts
My shrink said, “Let’s get to the core
Of what ails you. Methinks there’s much more
To your handwash compulsion
Than merely revulsion
To dirt; it’s your MOM you deplore.”
Refrain, Rosemary! No spraying Mace
At the sous chef. Adjust to his pace!
Fry Cook Ginger needs Thyme.
Staff can’t snap on a dime
To your dictates. Give workers some space!
Said Trump, to the national corps,
“The Paris Accord’s out the door,
Some say that’s unwise,
Due to sea-level rise,
But, I live on the fifty-eighth floor.”
SPICE
“I dunno, Doc’.” I struggled to speak.
“Lately life is depressing and bleak.”
‘There’s a cure for your ills
And it isn’t in pills.
Call this number and ‘take’ twice a week.’
My husband is sweet and so nice
We have sex in a year, once or twice
Don’t care; I just shop
Seems I never can stop
(I’ve a passion for imported spice)
The “Topless Grill” down at the shore
Is a place where the food’s a real bore!
“Hubby” said, “True, although
It’s still worth it to go
There’s just something about the decor”
My wife said “A real nice decor
Would be having a new basement floor”
And now that it’s done
All the kids have great fun
(With the termites, they have good rapport)
The holiday’s comin’ real soon!
I’m just singin’ that” Jingle Bell” tune!
Please don’t give me Old Spice
Even though it’s real nice
I’ve enough for an Asian platoon
For Melania
What a strange, unbefitting decor
So allied with the season before
But when bound to a Grinch
You bet it’s a cinch
Good taste will be a stout chore
It’s garlic again for tonight!
On our food, it is quite a delight
But why do friends say
In an unpleasant way
That our “bark is much worse than our bite?”
Our team mascot is hard to ignore,
For his shite coats our changing room floor.
But we don’t plan on stopping
His guano from dropping:
It adds to the “osprey decor”.
Mad, what say ye to a less awkward L1 in the previous offering?
Our team mascot is hard to ignore,
Thank you.
*************
From Mad: I’ve changed it.
My date didn’t like the decor
Of my place. From the ceiling to floor ―
Carpets, furnishings, art ―
She just picked it apart.
So the last thing I showed her? The door.
‘Twas a sight that shocked me to the core
I just couldn’t believe what I saw
Father Christmas had come
Right there with my mum
In flagrante on the kitchen floor
Said Poe, “I am sick to the core
Of this raven that knocked on my door,
Squawking one stupid word –
I shall strangle the bird,
And I’ll hear “nevermore” nevermore.
I’m really quite stressed to my core;
Don’t know if I can take any more.
Trump’s words keep getting worse
His actions more perverse.
Scared to see what we have in store.
I’m baffled by the White House decor,
Do red Christmas trees mean blood and gore?
Khashoggi/Yemenese blood?
Melania’s taste is a dud.
Long for the green or white trees of yore.
Don’t eat the apple and leave me the core;
Enter front, make me use the back door.
Don’t stop me from voting,
I’m sick of your gloating.
Regardless of my race, I’m worth more.
Much clutter, that is my decor,
I’ve filled shelves, from ceiling to floor.
Gorgeous things, I embrace.
What I need is more space.
But then, I’d just go and buy more.
Is variety really the “spice”?
So why do I have the same wife?
Today I shall start!
To be careful, yet smart!
And find some nice vice for a price!
In medieval times there was a rule
That men followed to not be a fool.
To learn chivalry or
To slay dragons, the core
Was all learned when they went to knight school.
A guy had both a mistress and a wife.
Felt variety’s the great spice of life.
Neither woman knew.
To himself, he was true.
He had the best of all worlds without strife.
They have a real tasteless decor!
Concerning a note on a door:
It says, “Folks, please flush
So there won’t be a gush
And if it don’t work, flush once more”
“Inappropriate Decor”
Is their bathroom sign some kind of joke?
Here’s just what is says, (wanna’ croak!)
“If you can’t get it out
There is no need to shout
We’ve provided some cold Diet Coke”
All hookers are “sugar and spice”
I’ve indulged myself much more than twice!
It’s really a pleasure
To have this great treasure
So get some nice vice for a price
OOPS! “Inappropriate Decor” does not contain the word “decor”
Another try
This loo has real stupid decor!
Did you read this dumb sign on the door:
“If you can’t get it out
There is no need to shout
Here’s some Ex-Lax (your tush won’t be sore”)
My Christmas tree’s “high-tech decor”
It speaks and it walks round’ the floor
Just looks really fine
And mixed in with the pine
Hangs an iphone (One needs to be sure)
Please enjoy our real meager decor!
See, lately, we’ve been very poor!
When using our loo
You may pee or may poo
That’s the rule (Don’t throw up anymore)
Mad: one limerick up: 10:46 AM line 5 reads
Is an iphone (One needs to be sure)
Could you please change that to “Hangs an iphone (One needs to be sure)
Thank You,
Lisi
********
Done.
To speak ill of George Bush anymore
could hurt our espirit de corps.
Get to flag wrapping
to cover ass slapping
(and bury him before we hear more)!
The mirrors provide the decor
For strippers who crawl on the floor
And swing from a pole
With one simple goal:
To make you believe they’re your whore.
There’s a nurse name of Kissy DuMor,
And the medics all think she’s a whore.
Says she “I’m no tart;
If you look in my heart
You will see that I’m good to the corps!”
I’m loving my new home decor
With carpet now on the floor.
No matter it’s tatty
And shat on by ratty,
What can you expect if you’re poor?
Your indolence I shall ignore
And your lack of Esprit de Corps,
What I will not forgive
As long as I live
Is the blandness of your soup de jour.
Alternate end: Is you’re an intellectual bore.
Another alternate end: Is how you started this war
Yet another alternate end: …..
Tenuously Spicy
Musical chairs at food court
Is a new type of sport.
A quick bite of curry
Then onwards you scurry,
Just ensure that you are not caught.
Mel, Mel B and Ginger
It seems on stage will linger.
But for all the dosh
There is one who’s too Posh,
Is she a lip-synching singer?
You know that I simply adore
The dress uniform of the Corps.
I’d salute the Marines,
Let them into my jeans
Except that they’d call me a name I do not want to hear even if it does rhyme, dammit.
Her nasty words cut to the core
I fell to my knees on the floor
‘Cause when I get cussed out
It drives all the lust out
And, I ain’t coming here anymore.
When Marines take you into their Corps
They train you right down to your core.
They make you so tough
You’ll be totally buff,
But their barracks have lousy decor.
’m wild about Saffron, you see,
And Saffron’s just wild about me.
Rosemary and Basil
Make a threesome with Hazel,
But, Saffron suits me to a T.
I’ll say it again and again
For pepper you just need cayenne.
Sysygium Aromatic
Is a lot more dramatic,
But cayenne takes hot sauce to a ten.
Anise and basil and curry and sage,
And ginger and nutmeg are now all the rage.
True herbs I insist
Can all make my list,
But, for Allspice you must turn the page.
Anise and basil and curry and sage,
And ginger and nutmeg are now all the rage.
True herbs I insist
Can all make my list,
But, for Allspice you must get your own page.
Uncle Reg’ was a chap to the core
And determined to prove it, what’s more.
Every day, around noon,
He would make the girls swoon
With displays of his muscles galore.
“What is wrong with you, man? Get a grip!
Put some starch in that loose upper lip.
You’re disgracing the corps.
And I’ve told you before –
We don’t march with a swish of the hip.”
Limp is better.
“What is wrong with you, man? Get a grip!
Put some starch in that limp upper lip.
You’re disgracing the corps.
And I’ve told you before –
We don’t march with a swish of the hip.”
Someone said, girls are sugar and spice;
Maybe once that was all very nice.
Not today, sugar’s bad,
And it may make you sad,
But you’re best off avoiding that vice.
I know, I should wait before posting – but I’m just so impetuous.
Someone said, ‘Girls are sugar and spice.’
And back then, that was all very nice.
Not today; sugar’s bad,
And it may make you sad,
But you’re best off avoiding that vice.
A johnless gay hooker, Gerard,
Complained that his work was too hard:
“I entered the corps
Thinking I would get more
But shouldn’t have joined the rear guard.”
My dinner was really a wreck
I think that I just didn’t check
The pepper just right
Thus the steak had no “bite”
I probably picked the wrong peck.
For Christmas this house had decor
Like something one needs to ignore:
The tree: full of fleas
The canes: made with cheese
And Santa as “Queen At The Door”
When the owner of spice shops expands
Way too fast, he then soon understands
That he must have a sale
Or his business will fail,
‘Cause he has too much thyme on his hands.
My facade, you should really ignore
Some people say, “That gal’s a bore”
Not True! I’m real bitchy!
And totally snitchy
Deep inside, there’s a real rotten core.
She strolled through the fancy new store;
Impressed by its lavish decor.
But then, shocking news!
She was purchasing shoes
From Payless for hundreds and more.
They’d pulled off a humorous prank;
Intended to bolster their rank.
The shoppers were plied
With champagne on the side;
While sneakers were breaking the bank.
(True story – Payless Shoes rented a space in a high-end
LA mall and opened a fake store named “Palessi” after a
fictional Italian designer. They built up a large social media buzz
and had people lined up at the door when they opened. Shoppers
were paying $600 and up for their “upscale” shoes, but then were
eventually let in on the stunt. They were given full refunds and
allowed to keep their “purchases” for free. Well Done!)
He made a reliable wage
Yet this chef had no “wisdom of age”
When he cooked you a meal
It had no appeal
All the food was just lacking in sage.
Adjustment of a limerick, line two
My facade, you should really ignore
Some people say I’m a real “bore”
Not True! (I’m real bitchy)
And totally snitchy
Deep inside there’s a real rotten core
Christmas cider is made with six cloves
One can cook it on top of all stoves
I like to add gin
(Some say it’s a sin)
Yet, the clergymen come here in droves
SPICE !!!
At “Thai World” they let people bring
Their own cures for a real nasty sting
You’ll need something right
To get rid of your fright
Tasting OW! OW! OW! OW! Khua Kling.
Mad: above limerick: line 5: 9:13 am
Can you change line 5 from Of that OW OW OW OW Khua Kling
To “Tasting” OW! OW! OW! OW! Khua Kling.
Thank you, Lisi
*********
Done
This house has one real weird decor!
The owner’s obsessed with the shore!
The boardwalk’s the hall
From the cracks people fall
And there’s sand sprinkled over each floor.
When they need cannon fodder for war
And have to train troops that are raw
For them, no escape
Sergeants whip into shape
Does it help to be rotten to the corps?
trouble and strife = wife (cockney rhyming slang)
I’m badgered by trouble and strife
And I need to spice up my life,
So I had a quick gander
At a Tinder philander
But resisted through fear of her knife.
I found crocuses grown in a ditch
And thought, “Great, I’m going to be rich.”
But picking stamens is work,
This ain’t no perk
Damn, life is a bitch.
Hi Mad,
Crocuses: I think the 2nd to last line would be better as:
This ain’t no perk,
Cheers
Tim
*******
Done.
Knock-Knock – It’s No Joke ~
Donald Trump wants to use the whole corps
Like a defensive conquistador.
To impede the horde’s entry,
A seasonal sentry:
Some barbed-wire décoratthedoor.
I’m nothing like sugar and spice
And surely, not everything nice
I’m “Princess Hot Stuff”
I’ll will give you enough
However, I come with a price
I’m real down-to-earth, have no fear!
My motto is simple and clear:
I am sugar and spice
And just everything VICE
Care to sample my artistry dear?
Well, teaching was really a bore!
I’m so glad I retired, for sure!
1+1=3
And them words ain’t for me!
Never did understand “Common Core”
Oops I pressed submit! (sorry) Can you delete 2 previous limericks (Line 2 wasn’t good)
GEE! WOW! Want to spice up your life?
Well, “bro”here is real cool advice:
If you sleep on your back
Every night in the sack
TURN AROUND!! It will feel really nice!
*****
Done.
Feel the need to take off your clothes?
After flushing right down to the toes
You better bet on it,
Excess of Scotch Bonnet
Caused the sweat at the end of the nose!
correcting rhyming error!
If your life doesn’t have enough “spice”
Listen, friend, here is real great advice:
If you sleep on your back
Every night in the sack
TURN AROUND!! (It will feel really nice)
correcting another rhyming error
The holiday’s comin’ real soon
I’m just singin’ that Jingle Bell tune!
Please don’t give me Old Spice
Even though it’s real nice
They can smell me as far as the moon.
correcting another rhyming error
My Christmas tree’s “high tech decor”
It speaks and it walks ’round the floor
Oh, My it’s so fine!
And mixed in with the pine
Hangs an iphone I just can’t ignore
If you’re bunged up and living in Cheadle
There’s a restaurant where specials are lethal
Their hot curry sauce
Makes you strain with such force
You could shit through the eye of a needle
Sister Mary is pious indeed
She follows a reverent creed
But some spice Mary seeks
So each night time she sneaks
To the back of the church to smoke weed
The soldiers fought hard in the war
Some men never seen anymore
But behind the front lines
Far away from the mines
Was the “Sovereign Trump Bullshit Corps”
The group in this uncharted “war”
(The kind few have witnessed before)
Where people just sweat
Till they’re all soaking wet
Is known as “Mad Kane’s Lim’rik Corps”
rhyming correction
Well, teaching was really a bore!
So last year, I just walked out the door!
1+1=3
And them words ain’t for me
Never did understand “Common Core”
A shopping mall Santa named Tommy
Says “Hell with the rugrats – where’s mommy?
Come sit on my knee,
The candy is free;
Along with a Christmas salami.”
My “Granny”: I really did warn’er
Even told her some people would scorn’er
Yet she said more than twice
That she needed some “spice”
So now she just grooves on her corn’er
Now let’s get right down to the core!
From the moment you walked in the door
You smelled like perfume
Just like “Roses In Bloom”
I cheat TOO! Now we’ve evened the score!
He wanted to spice up their trip;
Viagra, but not let it slip.
Mistakenly taken
Before he’d awaken;
Aroused by her stiff upper lip.
“Our love life is lacking in spice,”
Said the husband. “It sure would be nice
To have three in this bed.”
“Get the cat!” his wife said ―
Not the pussy he’d hoped to entice.
“I love you much more than before!
So let’s get right down to the core!
What is that I hear?
Is your husband home, dear?
“Kiss Kiss Kiss. Where the hell’s the back door?”
he swallowed the large apple core
the seeds lodged firm in his jaw
he sprouted gardenias
and bright yellow freesias
his teeth are existent no more
Web design, that’s what we do
Working with graphics and logos too
We don’t mean to boast
But, we do the utmost
To provide great service to you
**********
Ordinarily, I’d block your comment as spam. But since you made the effort to write a limerick, I’m approving it. Good luck with your business.
If you just come and “Knock On My Door”
I will show you my lovely decor
It’s in soft “Misty Blue”
With an “Evergreen” hue
I call it my “Musical Score”
(“Knock On My Door”,The Supremes and 4 Tops)
(“Misty Blue” Dorothy Moore)
(“Evergreen, Barbra Streisand)
Mad: above limerick line 3: reads”It’s a soft “Misty Blue”
Could you change that to “It’s in soft “Misty Blue”
(makes more sense)
****
Done.
Before you date her, think twice
She claims to be sugar and spice
But in bed when men wake up
She’s there with no make up
A revelation – it’s not very nice!
The fruit you hope you will savour
From your clients as you curry favour
With just a quick jaunt
To a top restaurant
Will be your business life saver.
Twofer: What to do with quinces
With a sturdy, sharp knife, lightly score
(But don’t peel), and remove the hard core.
Stuff with raisins and spice;
Bake till tender and nice;
Pass the dish around twice… maybe more!
Ma and Pa got a brand-new decor
(Never did have real carpet before)
Ran home. Got real tired
Then Ma Ma inquired:
“Hey, Bubba, who’s mindin’ the store?”
We ate apples right down to the core
Played “jacks” on an old wooden floor
Then came that first kiss
My life was just bliss
(Fell in love with the boy right next door)
Now “let’s” get right down to the core!
Proper grammar is not such a chore!
It’s “let’s” when it’s “let us”
Don’t screw up, and so thus
It’s “your” when possessive not you’re!
With the orange one tweeting more grossly
And Pence fearing Mueller more closely
Will impeachments galore
Kill the GOP core
Or will they choke, saying “President Pelosi!”
NO RELATION, DANG IT!
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme
Take me back to my high school time
I LOVED Garfunkel, Simon
(Names reversed here for rhymin’)
My last name?…It feels quite sublime!
Better?
We ate apples right down to the core
Played “jacks” on an old wooden floor
Then came that first kiss
My life was sheer bliss
(Fell in love with the boy just next door)
Correction!
Now let’s get right down to the core!
Proper grammar is not such a chore
It’s “it’s” when “it is”
But it’s “its” when it’s his
And it’s “your” when possessive, not you’re
Now apples all come with a core
Don’t eat them; your throat will get sore
You might even choke
Or God forbid croak
They’re as useless as “tits on a boar”
Planting spices? You must wear loose clothes!
Be ” comfy” right down to your toes!
So wear an old shirt
Just don’t worry ’bout dirt
And do not forget garden hose!
I’m just off the ward feeling fine
But that matron’s a bit of a swine
That green herb colonic
She gives as a tonic
Means that I’m still just passing the thyme.
I’m a Don Trumper, played out of tune
I blow loads of brass crap just to swoon
The tax bill and much more
Should be trash can décor
But my beak just flaps like a mad loon
I’m sick of this tame old decor;
I’ve a topical painting in store —
Four buff guys on horses;
The title, of course, is
“Death, Famine, Conquest and War.”
Wednesday Addams thought “Who can scream louder?”
She put pepper in Grandmama’s chowder;
In Uncle’s fish stew;
Dad’s shaving cream, too;
Pugsley’s mouthwash; and Mom’s talcum powder.
Sorry, Mad, can you take the “In” away, before “Dad’s shaving cream, too”?
*****
Done.
Here’s food that they call “Spiced Heart Stoppers”
Now warn your sweet pearly white choppers
There’s no use in fighting
Once you start biting
Them “bacon wrapped stuffed pepper poppers”
(an actual food)
Christmas Drinks
There’s a latte called ‘Ole Pumpkin Spice”
To drink it, first put in some ice
Take a sip. Throw away
Have some fun Christmas Day
Grab a beer and enjoy naughty vice.
I’m done with my Christmas decor
All the guests ring the bell at my door
But Em won’t sit near Pam
Charlie loathes Uncle Sam
It’s my yearly “Yuletide Merry War”
Persuade them with facts? They ignore.
Analysis? “That’s such a bore.”
With Trumpsters in charge
Disaster looms large.
They’re simply corrupt to the core.
If alien worlds start a war,
We’re prepared with our rockets and more.
Our nation’s no chump.
All hail, Donald Trump!
He created the U.S. Space Corps.
Hot and Spicy (a twofer)
Their love life was dull to its core
So they took a quick trip to the store.
K-Y plus capsaicin
Soon had their hearts racin’,
But they won’t try that anymore.
James Bond reminiscing at the old spy’s home:
“She thrilled me right down to my core;
With visions of what was in store.
Her name said it all,
Always there to enthrall;
I can’t forget… Lucy Galore.”
Dace Johnson,
You mean “Pussy Galore.”
Thanks Fred, but the joke was in the last line…
Don’t get married, my friend: It is strife
You really do not need a wife
She will nag you to death
Till your very last breath
They are known for unspicing your life
(needs more spice)
The “Connoisseur’s” final critique
Said “The vichyssoise wasn’t unique!”
“It didn’t have taste”
It was such a damn waste!”
“Cause the chef just did not take a leek”
Have you ever seen Aunt Em’s decor?
(Looks like something from “Ole Days Of Yore”)
The place needs repainting
There’s a sofa for “fainting”
And Uncle Lou’s stuffed on the floor
Now, I’ll tell you the score.
I’m winning, and what is more,
You’ll not indict or impeach
For I’m way out of reach,
Try, and I’ll win the war.
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
Twas a gent from due east of Timor,
found his taste in home fashion was poor.
since his condo was bare,
with much room to spare,
he enrolled in a course in decor.
A woman from west Baltimore,
had horrible taste in decor.
Walls the color of dung
and her pictures were hung,
3 inches from off of the floor.
A student from Harvard’s elite
had a sublet just right down my street.
and although he was nice,
he wore so much Old Spice
that I fainted each time we would meet.
I know I could always do more,
than just hang a wreath on my door.
Why try to compete,
with the folks on my street?
I’m lousy at Christmas decor.
As soon as the waiter arrives
I tell him, “Please don’t bring me chives”
“From cloves, I get dizzy”
“My hair then gets frizzy”
“And cinnamon gives me the hives”
On New Years we always say, “Cheers!”
And fondly look back at the years
But last year at “La Spice”
It just wasn’t that nice
Because all of us burst into tears.
A weird little fellow named Walt
Has a penchant for pepper and salt.
They chuckle and point
In the hamburger joint
When they notice he seasons his malt.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 312. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Peer.