Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PLACED or MISPLACED OR REPLACED or DISPLACED at the end of any one line
UPDATE!!! ANNOUNCEMENT: DUE TO FAMILY OBLIGATIONS, I MUST POSTPONE THE DEADLINE FOR THIS LIMERICK-OFF BY ONE WEEK. THE NEW DEADLINE IS SAT. NOV. 17. RESULTS TO BE POSTED ON NOV. 18. MY APOLOGIES!
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PLACED or MISPLACED OR REPLACED or DISPLACED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to FOOTWEAR, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best FOOTWEAR-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on November 11, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 10, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A fellow with terrible taste
Always purchased his clothing in haste.
He lacked passion for fashion,
Yet swore he looked dashin’…
His self-confidence sadly misplaced.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Clothing Humor, Competition Limerick, Fashion Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Taste Humor, Writing Prompts
Stomping the Stone ~
Lots of footwear and tear in our yard,
Where the burrs and the stones leave you scarred,
Because here in the desert
Your toughness is measurt
When you put your foot down real hard.
Roasting turkey? Use whiskey to baste
(Not the bird, but the guests) till well laced.
Please believe me: when high,
They won’t know the bird’s dry,
And your trust in me won’t be misplaced.
“I’m ruined,” she whispered, white-faced;
“The horse that I backed was outpaced!
My Little Miss Muffet
Came second — oh, stuff it!
Two million to win, and Miss placed.”
Netanyahu’s wife* looks like a box,
And her skin’s reminiscent of lox —
And you know what they say
About feet made of clay?
I won’t guess at the mess in her socks.
* For American audiences, “Sarah Huckabee” will fill those five syllables almost as well.
Are Rabbi and Dad in cahoots
Cos’ circumcision not everyone suits
The decision was final
Now I’ve missed the urinal
And pissed all over my boots
A girl thought things were just fine,
When she plucked a ripe fruit from a vine,
But when biting in haste,
A worm was displaced
Who said, “Hey sweetheart this one is mine.”
Said the hooker, “It has a strange taste”,
As she very reluctantly placed
Donald’s minuscule prick
In her mouth. “I feel sick –
It reminds me of anchovy paste!”
I taught 40 years and embraced
The cause that “No schooling’s a waste”
But my very last day
I just blasted away:
“Who PASTED the Elmer’s MISPLACED?”
“Hey, those Saudis, I gotta confess,
Deal with critics with total success.
They’re able to lose
’Em, right down to the shoes.
Am I jealous? The answer is “Yes”.
So I gotta plan – can you guess? –
To get rid of the fake, lying press.
I’ll invite CNN
To our consulate, then
Ask the Saudis to clean up the mess.”
Well, that day I sure had the blues!
It is something I’ll never excuse:
At the “Posh Royal Ball”
I walked out of the stall
With Charmin attached to my shoes.
My fiance is kind and real sweet
This man makes me feel so complete!
When he saw ALL my shoes
He just blew one big fuse
And said, “Shit, girl, you’ve only two feet!”
Elvis Presley would carefully choose
When to show his lung power. He’d use
Azure boots on the ground
Made of leather. Folks found
The result when he puffed: blew swayed shoes.
I have heard of a cat (Russian Blue)
Who would frequently pee in a shoe.
If I got one for Trump,
Could I teach it to dump?
He deserves solid Russian gifts, too.
The footwear that makes moms’ minds bloody
Might be boots that their daughters leave muddy,
Or shoes teen sons take
From their dads “by mistake”
And then lend to their very best buddy.
But the ones that arouse my own ire,
Fan my rage, drive my blood pressure higher,
Are the socks with no mate
That unfailingly wait
To be found when I empty the dryer.
“This heirloom must gently be placed”
“In a “curio” oozing with taste”
“It’s a pricey antique”
“That is very unique”
(Aunt Gert’s Here! Grab Piggy! With Haste!)
They wear Louboutins or Manolos;
They walk in spiked heels like they’re pros!
I just can’t compete,
Can’t wear those on my feet.
So wear Luccheses; quite happy in those!
Saudi decency’s wholly misplaced.
In the eyes of all good, they’re disgraced.
Their cruelty astounds,
It seems without bounds.
They’re not people, but vast profit based.
The Republicans must be replaced,
In the eyes of the world, we’re disgraced.
Now they’re stealing elections,
Where are our protections?
It’s a rather quite frightening foretaste.
My glasses, again I’ve misplaced.
In each room, every step I’ve retraced.
Looked in the mirror instead-
They’re on top of my head!
How’d they get there? All memory’s erased.
Our Villa was built with good taste
The Abuqir Bay it had faced
Then we saw a chateau
And we said, “Oh let’s go!”
We moved in and were gaily displaced
More humor is needed post haste
To distract us from life we now face
With pipe bombs and killing
And hate-speak so chilling
All sanctioned by Orange Turd’s embrace
Our family wholly embraced
Vienna! What grandiose taste!
Yet now that we’re back
Seems there’s something we lack
Our kids have been strangely misplaced
UH OH, THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING
‘Tis the season for stuffing my face
No self-control—mine gets displaced
My modus operandi
Starts this week with candy
And through New Year’s, all food goes to waist.
By stating his fielty in haste
To disabuse press that the waste
Was linked to the Prince
While we demur since
It could be his trust is misplaced
In their minds, people just have erased
Some things that have all been replaced:
A Phone Book! A “Letter”!
Is “now” really better?
Or simply a matter of taste?
I’m a wreck; I do all things in haste!
I just cannot keep myself paced!
First I’m lost then I’m found
I go spinning around
Perhaps it’s my mind I’ve misplaced!
CORRECTION OF ABOVE LIMERICK
I’m a wreck; I do all things in haste!
I simply can’t keep myself paced!
First I’m lost then I’m found
I go spinning around
Perhaps it’s my mind I’ve misplaced!
It was a smell we couldn’t abide
Slightly worse than hydrogen sulphide
It came as a shock
When he took off his sock
Like a rat in a hole that had died
I have an unfortunate affliction
Made worse by my footwear addiction.
My husband he cries
As my feet aren’t same size,
And he pays for two pairs when I’ve picked ’em.
They Don’t Deserve to Honor Me ~
It seems the Nobel folks debased
His Great Name—or perhaps it’s misplaced.
With their footwear in gear
Deep within ample rear
Trump will claim it’s the Prize they disgraced.
Our nation has been defaced!
Our complexion has been disgraced
By little brown kids
With folks on the skids.
A certain Statue must be replaced!
TYPO in L2 … please use this one instead …
Our nation has been defaced!
Its complexion has been disgraced
By little brown kids
With folks on the skids.
A certain Statue must be replaced!
His Red, White, and Few ~
Trump’s problem with being two-faced:
Should his scowl or his smirk be embraced
When addressing his staff
With a tweet and a laugh
As he tells them they’re being replaced?
The Case of the Clear Cut Corpus Delicti ~
All that they found was his footwear.
Very obvious murder’s afoot there;
Feet still in his shoes,
Though they didn’t know whose,
They concluded that he went kaput there.
All Teachers Can Relate Improved Limerick
I taught 40 years and embraced
The cause that “No schooling’s a waste”
But my very last day
I just blasted away:
“Who GLUED all the ELMER’S MISPLACED?”
If you’re at Crufts and judging the towsers
And suspicion of bias arouses
If it’s not Riband Blue
‘Cos they’ve crapped on your shoe
And been humping the leg of your trousers
New shoes always play a great role
In something called,”Sadness Control”
They won’t change your life
But if you feel strife
They do wonders for lifting your sole
I bequeath you my silk underwear,
All my dresses – and stockings to spare.
Though your feet are quite neat,
What they aren’t is petite,
So, I’ve left all my footwear to Clare.
Oh, Dear Husband, forebear and excuse,
But our daughter must have all my shoes.
It ensures, now I’m gone,
That my soles will live on;
Don’t contest this bequest, or she sues.
Footwear
For us teachers, the world really rocks
Cause all of us have a huge box
So when Christmas is here
It will always be there
For tossing in 80 new socks
When is better.
I bequeath you my silk underwear,
All my dresses – and stockings to spare.
Though your feet are quite neat,
What they aren’t is petite,
So, I’ve left all my footwear to Clare.
Oh, Dear Husband, forebear and excuse,
But our daughter must have all my shoes.
It ensures, when I’m gone,
That my soles will live on;
Don’t contest this bequest, or she sues.
Poor Prince Charming might struggle today
As glass slippers don’t hold any sway.
Cinderella, would stall,
Might abandon the ball,
As she’s too busy Choo – sing to play.
Her stilettos were stunning. What’s more,
She had fine thigh-high boots by the score.
I was truly obsessed
By the way that she dressed ―
Because footwear was all that she wore.
Sadly, Charming might struggle today.
The glass slipper’s considered passé.
“Cinderella! “The ball!”
‘Maybe next week – I’ll call.
I am Choo – sing and can’t get away.’
Footwear
Of all of most parent’s pursuits
There is one known to cause some disputes
With the first flakes of snow
When it’s 20 below
Helping kids to put on those damn boots!
My car keys were strangely misplaced
So I thought very hard and “retraced”
Here they are! Thank the Lord!
Now I can’t find my Ford
(Something tells me my game plan’s a waste)
There once was a man who misplaced
his keys on a day he was spaced.
His wife (named Lenore)
found them in the front door
left there when he entered their place!
The Spooner’s au-pair’s in the dock
It’s not really come as a shock
The wife thought she smelled chicken
But that bitch in the kitchen
Claimed she was really just cooking his sock
The cake on the table was placed
When the bridegroom approached for a taste.
But he tripped and went down;
Icing met face and crown.
It was all ‘cause his shoes were unlaced.
A robber had somehow misplaced
his gun in the joint that he cased.
And without his pistol,
could not nick the crystal,
so his plan went completely to waste!
The cure when you’re having the blues,
is to go out and shop for new shoes.
Retail therapy lifts,
and your low mood then shifts,
when you’re sportin’ those cool Jimmy Choos!
Freedom ~
DP’s are the butt of the jokes
Told by some not displaced like those folks,
Yet with old lives replaced,
Their endurance has graced
Us to share what our freedom evokes.
Footwear
My weather-proof Gucci’s are cute
And they sure cost me plenty of loot!
But while stuck in the mud
They got all full of crud
So I’ll have to go back and reboot
I’m really not one of those jocks
Yet I hate when my sister just mocks
Me. Says I’m not “cool”
And I look like a fool
Cause I always wear socks with my Crocs
I went to have one knee replaced
Then my surgeon was vilely disgraced
Cause when he was done
He had changed the wrong one
(I shouldn’t have used Dr. Spaced)
Another Version of Previous Limerick:
I’m surely not one of those jocks!
But I hate when my Old Lady mocks
Me. Says I’m not cool
And I look like a fool
Cause I always wear sandals with socks
“Senior Issues”
I wanted my husband replaced
With a man who has sexier taste!
But then I rethought
So I went out and bought:
A cure that’s called, “Geritol Laced”
Mad: mistake in 4 limericks up: It reads “I really not one of those jocks”
(first word change) It should read: “I’m really not one of those jocks”
Could you fix that for me?
Thank you, Lisi
Footwear
My life would be so incomplete
If one day I did not have a treat
I just look like an ox
And can’t put on my socks
Cause it seems I can’t find my own feet!
When my grandson was born, RULE: No Shoes!
(Years ago) We could just not refuse!
And when he was four
He ate bugs off the floor
And real crap from some numerous zoos.
A horse who frequently raced
Never won, never showed, always placed
He said “The sad goal
Of the middle foal
Is to always be slightly outpaced.”
There are so many things I’ve misplaced
That it makes me feel very disgraced!
But there is a trunk
Which contains all your junk
And in Heaven, you’ll find it encased.
There once was a wealthy young gopher
Who lived in Shaquille O’Neal’s loafer
He said, “I can go
From the heel to the toe
But only if I call the chauffeur.”
In order to dance like Astaire,
your feet must feel lighter than air.
It’s all in the shoes,
so be sure that you choose,
a stylish but comfortable pair!
She wrote down her number in haste
on a card that he promptly misplaced.
You could say it was fate,
they weren’t meant to date,
’cause she wrote it in ink that erased!
Sadly, Charming might struggle today.
The glass slipper’s considered passé.
“Cinderella! The ball!”
‘Maybe next week – I’ll call.
I am Choo – sing – Get OUT OF MY WAY!’
“What is it with women and shoes?
I confess that they faze and bemuse.
Lingerie? Well, Okay!
Now I’m eager to play;
But those clodhoppers? NO! I refuse.”
Footwear
My students have rustic pursuits
They’re just gettin’ right down to the roots!
Tomorrow, they’ll go
To the “Cow Manure Show”
And wear some cool shit- kickin’ boots.
Imelda, you know, was my mother.
She gathered shoes like no other.
Until, of course,
This tour de force
Courtesy of my uncle and brother.
Better, I think.
“What is it with women and shoes?
I confess that they faze and bemuse.
Lingerie? Well, Okay!
Now you’re talking. Let’s play.
But those clodhoppers? NO! I refuse.”
Footwear
The “Pres” thought he couldn’t be topped
Yet shortly, his favor just dropped
So he bought some new shoes
Thinking “This ploy can’t lose”
But quickly they flipped then he flopped
The Stiff Upper Lip
When I heard that I might be replaced
I was shocked but am now fully braced.
Though to learn via the news
Of one’s wife’s ‘interviews’,
Well, I think it in very poor taste.
Two In One
“Rumours bandied about in the news,
Re my wife’s clandestine ‘interviews’,
Will be quickly replaced
With the statement, ‘She’s chaste!
But admits she addicted to Choo’s’”
A victim of Cosby’s abuse
Said she wasn’t aware of the news
Til her drink was replaced
With a strange aftertaste
And jello stains coated her shoes.
(It’s a twofer)
Corrected
“Rumours bandied about in the news,
Re my wife’s clandestine ‘interviews’,
Will be quickly replaced
With the statement, ‘She’s chaste!
But admits an addiction to Choo’s’”
Trying On Shoes!
I’m walking with such a strange gait!
These shoes seem to have too much weight!
They are a bit small
So I might take a fall
I’ll Take Them! They sure do look great!
From his pulpit, our vicar, white faced,
Told us all that his bike was misplaced.
“Thou shalt not…” he chastised,
But then faltered, with sighs,
As at seven his ‘cycle was traced.
Correction Line 2 and 5 from 10/30 6:46 pm
My students have rustic pursuits
They’re gettin’ right down to the roots
Tomorrow they’ll go
To the “Cow Manure Show”
Wearing really cool Shit-Kickn’ boots
A variation on the theme.
“One among us, it seems is disgraced,”
Said the vicar, “my bike is misplaced.”
‘Thou shalt nots’ he intoned,
But at seven, he groaned,
As at that point his ‘cycle was traced.
Footwear theme
Trick or treating on Halloween night
I was caught by a curious sight.
I just stood there gawking,
saw empty shoes walking,
then fainted away from sheer fright!
Twas a test that the teen could have aced.
Read the book upon which it was based.
He prepared for the test
and knew more than the rest,
twas the time of the quiz that he spaced!
A holiday table with taste
Must have ornaments carefully placed
Next to everyone’s setting
And thus you’ll be letting
Your family steal them with haste.
WKRP Insanity ~
For Thanksgiving, the turkey was basted,
then dumped into hot oil and was wasted
when it flew through the air
(quite a news-chopper scare!)
and with twelve cans of Spam was replasted.
Don’t Board in the Rain ~
If he once knew, they’re long since erased—
the instructions which we all have aced:
how to close an umbrella,
all alone, acapella,
But he’ll tell us, “The door was misplaced.”
The wedding was perfectly paced
Her veil just so gorgeously placed
Her dreams have come true
Then he gives the ring to
The bride he’s already debased.
Barefoot on a Lark ~
When Manafort dropped his first shoe,
He wasn’t quite sure what to do,
So he jumped in a chair
And gets pushed everywhere—
Til the judge gets to drop his shoe, too!
Too Much Beauty in the Beast ~
The limerick I wrote, fully graced
With jewels and gold unabased,
Was so heavenly blissful
That I’d be remissful
It if wasn’t quickly replaced.
Twofer — and a true story — ten years gone and I still miss my St. Bernard:
He ate socks, yarn, and library paste,
Then wondered how slippers would taste;
My lumbering pet
Is off to the vet,
And I’m getting my house shoes replaced.
“The short name for autumn, ‘the fall,’
Is not about dead leaves at all,”
I muse as I trip
(Wearing slippers — they slip!),
‘Cause the floor’s now too cold in the hall.
His hands were so tenderly placed
On my breasts, then we madly embraced
As we walked towards the bed
I said, “Don’t worry, Fred
I’m a nun from the “Wholly Unchaste”
We bet on a horse to be “placed”
Fifty bucks, (didn’t think it a waste)
Then my date zoomed away
(Put on quite a display!)
She thought I said, “win,”show” or “chased”
I thought that I surely had “aced”
That test, (I was wrong; I’m disgraced!)
My “prof” said, “Now, Joe
I insist that you go
To Room B where all brains are misplaced”
Alternate Ending To Above Limerick, Lines 4 and 5
I thought that I surely had “aced”
That test, (I was wrong; I’m disgraced!)
My “prof” said, “Now Joe
It is time that you go
To Room B where dead brains are replaced”
When eating a hot dog, I’d die
If condiments Mom would apply.
Then one day when she placed
On my plate, yellow paste,
I mustard the courage to try.
Footwear
“High Jumpers” (the trendiest fad)
They’re sneakers that “make you feel glad”
Took my kid. Saw the price.
Then I told him real nice:
“You know, son, I’m not your real Dad”
I offered him boots up to the thigh
But he turned them down with a sigh
“Buy them half an inch shorter,
They make my eyes water
And my plan to have kids, sent awry”
Footwear, sort of…
Those in Boston are off on a toot;
Angelenos, though, won’t follow suit.
All their hopes have gone south
And they’re down in the mouth
‘Cause the Red Sox just gave ‘em the boot.
Resting On Your laurels/
My wife said – and said it straight-faced,
“I should warn you, you may be replaced.
I’ve been testing all week,
For the model I seek,
And today you were nearly outpaced.”
Footwear theme
A shy crook who hailed from Beirut
hid his parrot inside of his boot.
So when he’d go walking
his feet did the talking,
“Hand over the cash, or I’ll shoot!”
The woman had no time to waste,
wrote her email and used ‘cut and paste’.
The receiver was sure
her intentions were pure,
but her note was in very poor taste!
Dr. Freud claims I’ve simply displaced
My anger toward mom on the waste
Products floating around
In my toilet. Profound?
Probably not; I may just be debased.
Dancing Debbi, performing with poles,
Likes stilettos—spiked heels and thin soles.
They’re extremely exotic,
But she needs an orthotic;
She really should try Dr. Scholl’s.
The Wrong Thong Song ~
Have I misplaced the link? Let me think …
Did I drop it in Mom’s kitchen sink
While I washed out the thongs—
for her feet, not my gongs—
because some of them started to stink?
Said a personal ad that was placed
By a woman some said was unchaste:
They think I’m immoral
But I’m only oral
With men of impeccable taste.
I don’t want to have any fights
With my 5 year old, (She has her rights!)
But it’s over the top
Just to take her to shop
For sneakers embellished with lights.
She pretends to be very strait-laced,
And her scoldings leave many red-faced.
But the source of her ire
Is unruly desire;
And the guilt for these urges, displaced.
My cell phone! It’s always misplaced!
I search for it each time in haste!
So once and for all
It’s affixed to the wall
There’s just nothing like duct tape and paste!
Your belief in a bright future’s misplaced
‘Cause the Constitution’s being debased.
It’s just beginning to dawn,
Our President’s Putin’s pawn
And all that we hold dear may be erased.
Redressing The Balance
He pretends to be very strait-laced,
And his censure leaves many red-faced.
But the source of his ire
Is unruly desire;
And the guilt for these urges, displaced.
Cinderella, she sure had the blues!
She’s the girl who all folks would abuse
But something that’s true
(And which nobody knew)
She was just in the story for shoes.
My Darling, I have such good news!
I’ve found us a house with nice views:
There’s a bedroom for us
And of course, one for Gus
Then another one just for my shoes!
I walked barefoot alongside The Mews
And then suddenly had some good news!
Saw a man with no feet
Sitting down on a seat
(Gave me all of his shoes, marked “Unused”)
A woman preferred to stay chaste
Before marriage. She therefore replaced
Standard nookie with head.
What’s the news from her bed?
Word of mouth: she’s a gal of good taste.
THE TRUTH!
From New Jersey, I’ve sure been displaced!
And now in Chicago, I’m based
Where a wallet’s a “folder”
Wow! Here it’s much colder!
Can’t figure it out. (What a waste)
“THE TRUTH PART 2”
From New Jersey, I’ve sure been displaced
And now in Chicago I’m based
Where soda is POP!
Oh just PLEASE make it STOP!
(But in truth, they both have the same taste)
His heart quite excitedly raced;
Then he reached out his hand, which he placed
Where it didn’t belong.
So she booted his schlong.
But the worst thing he faced? He got maced.
If you want a real sleek tiny waist
All the food you eat must be replaced
By crap that is boring
But please try ignoring
The fact that it ain’t got no taste.
There is something my beau’s never faced
And it’s silly to feel so disgraced!
The first time he called
He said, “I’m not bald;
It’s just that my hair’s been misplaced”
Footwear
In high school, I knew all those “stats”:
I was smart, and I NEVER wore hats
The guys were so small
And me: REALLY TALL!
So I owned 99 pairs of flats.
My wife said – and said it strait-faced –
“I’m upgrading, so you’ll be replaced.
I’ve been testing all week
For the model I seek,
And today you were clearly outpaced.”
When I practice debate, I am placed
Right in front of a mirror, a waste.
Seems I’m always wincing,
Not at all convincing.
I’m one-sided and really two-faced.
My wife said – and said it strait-faced –
“I’m upgrading, so you’ll be replaced.
I’ve been testing all week
For the model I seek,
And today you were clearly outpaced.”
In the light of this news, my heart raced.
Was she Joking? Could I be erased?
What to do? I must train –
Get my oomph back again.
Oh, relief! She reprieved when I placed.
When in public she’s very strait-laced,
And her scoldings leave many red-faced.
But in secret, she gloats
Over sowing wild oats
Is her guilt for these urges displaced?
Footwear
Our tryst! It was real fine and dandy
And roller skates sure came in handy
When I heard the key click
I just spun away quick
The problem’s I’m still feelin’ randy.
Footwear
My mother just always complains!
Says I steal all the shoes she obtains
I was feeling so fraught
Cause last night she caught
Me lovin’ her new mary janes.
My life is a damn total waste!
All the money I stole has been traced!
I’m just running amok
And the “L” in my luck
With an “F” it has now been replaced.
Suggestions are always a waste!
Cause everyone has different taste!
I won’t grant concessions
I WANT my expressions
Which autocorrect has replaced.
If you didn’t vote, don’t claim you’re blameless
For electing a liar so shameless.
Our nation’s disgraced,
So he must be replaced.
You know who, so let’s just leave him nameless.
He punted from where it was slick,
Caught his cleats, broke his leg like a stick.
While his fracture was healing,
He was asked, “How ya feeling?”
“Pretty good,” he replied. “I can’t kick.”
Give a Hoot–Give ’im the Boot ~
A sure-win, in slang, is a shoo-in,
When something’s afoot that they’re doin’.
The Russian’s big feet
Kept their Trump from defeat
Now it’s time to cook broth they can brew in.
[Shoo-in: a sure-win, from rigged racing where a horse could be “shoo’d” or startled into the lead (probably not by shouting) much like we might “shoo” a pesky fly, cat, or spouse.]
Promise Keepers said, “You be chaste.
Don’t dally and end up disgraced.”
So I took an oath
To be chaste till my troth…
Pity! Now I’ll end up red faced.
Another version of the above…
Promise Keepers said, “You be chaste.
Don’t dally and end up disgraced.”
So I took an oath
To be chaste till my troth…
Like the others, we’ve all been two faced.
I tripped and by accident placed
My hand on an Arab girl’s waist.
You should have heard her
Screaming blue murder…
By her uncle, father and brother I am chased.
‘Tootsies’ is an informal word for feet in the UK. I think it may have other connotations in the U.S.
A girl to her Jimmy’s is wed.
Some, I’ve heard, even take them to bed.
If a choice must be made –
‘Buy more Choo’s or get laid?’
Every girl by her tootsies is led.
Fifty years ago: had to wear “peds”!
If you tried on some pink or blue Keds
But now shoes cost more
Just to walk in the store
One can get a bad case of “The Dreads”
Mostly, men are indifferent to shoes;
Don’t expect them to gush or enthuse.
Faced with, “Shoes, or get laid?”
It’s a cert’, I’m afraid,
That he follows his Jimmy and screws.
But a girl to her Jimmy’s is wed.
Some, I’ve heard, even take them to bed.
If the choice must be made –
‘Buy more Choo’s or get laid?’
Every girl by her tootsies is led.
Our daughter’s a “shoe freakin’ hoarder”
(But most of the time we ignored ‘er)
Made her go to the shrink
And he told us, “I think
She’s got “La Loubotin Disorder”
“Tell me, ladies, why do you mistreat
Those exquisite appendages, feet?
Bunions, corns, hammer toe.
All for what? Don’t you know
That you cripple yourselves for conceit?”
“When you’re born, they are beautifully cast.
Made by Nature a life-time to last.
Had Ma Nature foreseen
Those distortions obscene
She’d have left you with stump ends, aghast.”
When they said that I ought to be chaste,
I took umbrage and had them replaced.
I’ll forego food and drink,
But my manhood will shrink
If my physical needs aren’t embraced.
“No Love Letters For Me”
Pat Boone! Wow, he wore those white bucks!
But his looks were just really the crux
So handsome was he
Wanted him all for me
But I was too young, (Well, Aw Shucks!)
“Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh”
This gent wears tan shoes with pink laces!
And Boy, he can run all those bases!
Has a polka dot vest.
This guy sure is the best
With him I could really go places!
Mad: above limerick:
Can you please replace the word “Gotta” with “Has a” in line 3?
So it will read: “Has a polka dot vest”
Thank You,
Lisi
******
Done
The height of human stupidity
When caught in the grips of cupidity.
Sense is replaced
As the heart raced
Unaware of pending perfidity.
Trump was riding rough-shod
Trampling all that’s decent and good,
But he’s cobbled together
His “Hell for Leather”
To a path that’s becoming well trod.
Put your boots, sneakers, slippers or shoes
On your feet — then walk, run, drive or cruise
All the way to the polls,
Vote out Trump’s mangy trolls
And put “blue” (and not “red”) in the news!
The UK rendering.
Mostly, men are indifferent to shoes;
Don’t expect them to gush or enthuse.
Faced with, “Shoes, or get laid?”
It’s a cert’, I’m afraid,
That he follows John Thomas and screws.
But a girl to her Jimmy’s is wed.
Some, I’ve heard, even take them to bed.
If the choice must be made –
‘Buy more Choo’s or get laid?’
Every girl by her tootsies is led.
Years ago she had very good news!
And also stupendous reviews!
She felt so enslaved
But finally saved
By the power of “Ruby Red Shoes”
For all “film buffs” “Caine Mutiny” rocks!
It’s a movie that often just shocks!
One star is a man
Whose first name is Van
And his trademark’s a pair of red socks.
Who Is This?
She sang a nice song ’bout a boot
And everyone thought she was cute!
Her mom: also Nancy
(Yet not really fancy)
And daddy, (Morone!) Lots of loot!
What Movie Is This?
Their bodies were slyly replaced
By duplicates, clearly debased
The ones still not caught
Were anxious and fraught
In the end, all but one, were disgraced.
You still will be able to taste
All the food on the table that’s placed
Yet corn on the cob
Might be quite a tough job
If your mom made you get your teeth braced.
(Footwear Theme)
Here’s ballet shoes on my condition
You follow the dancing tradition:
There’s first up to five
For which you shall strive
But don’t you dare try SIXTH POSITION!
It was time for the turkey to baste
To bring forth some magnificent taste
When it dropped to the floor
Yummy bird was no more
With damn take-out the bird was replaced
Down the hall the two little boys raced
Lego trucks, tiny cars neatly spaced
Evenly, set to go!
One car went missing, though
In little boy’s ear, it got displaced
The shoe salesman sure did abuse
Me: Forgive him? I down right refuse!
Said my “feet were so large
That they look like a barge”
“Go try “Paddles Are Us” for canoes”
They say horseshoes can bring you good luck
But some old traditions, they suck
If you’re needing more proof
When attached to a hoof
They can leave you face down in the muck
When I don my three inch dancing heels
Way too high, amusing it all feels
And I hear cha cha’s call
I mere chase, slip and fall
On invisible banana peels
(Better Limerick)
The Land Of Oz brought forth good news
(Incidentally such good reviews!)
She felt so enslaved
But was finally saved
By the power of “Ruby Red Shoes”
The boy with the marmalade shoe
Got some game and wanted to screw
He tried kissing a girl
Who spat, “My name is Earl!”
He wasn’t prepared for that slew
Old joke ‘limericked’
A girl trying trainers (hair light)
To squeeze them on feet was a fight
The salesman’s murmur
Was, “Pull the tongue out further”
Said the blonde, “I sthtill think the thshoes are too tight!”
This Election Day wasn’t a waste,
With a large part of Congress replaced.
As with many a House,
It was time to de-louse.
This new government’s much less debased.
I made dinner in just too much haste
On my cutting board carefully placed:
Was some lettuce and cheese
And then came my sneeze
That meal had one real gunky taste.
My “Match” date was so cheap when he
Took me bowling at “Strike Jubilee”
Claimed, “This place is first rate
And the thing that’s so great
Is they give you the shoes here for free”
Beyond the Veil
The ring, on my finger, he placed;
After the “I dos,” we embraced.
Can this romantic scene,
Remain ever serene?
Only till he learns I’m unchaste!
“Chelsea Boot” (ankle high with elastic side panels)
Saw Bill Clinton, (He’s still kinda’cute)
He was wearing a charcoal gray suit
Hangin’ out with his daughter
And that day her bought ‘er
A totally cool Chelsea boot
I stopped dancing and had the mean blues
My life was a flood of bad news
Two years had gone by
All I did was just cry
Then at last found my sweet old soft shoes.
I fear we are currently faced
With an earth that will soon be replaced
With poisonous waves
That waft past our graves
Of toxic industrial waste.
If you find yourself singing the blues
‘Cause you’re way overweight, put on shoes.
Try to walk and diet;
I suggest you try it,
Because what have you got to lose?
The Dems picked up seats in the race
putting 26 new members in place
But Sessions’ been canned
and Acosta’s now banned
they sure come and they go in this place!
An athlete had dreams that she chased
gave her hope for the challenge she faced,
she just wouldn’t settle
till she won the gold medal
in all the events that she raced.
I really feel so sympathetic
My shoes simply look just pathetic
I gave them their shot
And it did help a lot
But still they remain diabetic.
I think I will give her a call
Said on “Match Love” we’ll “just have a ball”
Took off her high heels
And then she reveals
She’s only two god damn feet tall.
‘Bout shoes, here’s a word to the wise:
For ladies I strongly advise
Don’t think about pain
It’s so hard to explain
If you like them, just buy every size.
Mad Line 2 of above limerick should not read:
For ladies I sure do advise. It should read: For ladies I strongly advise.
Could you change it ?
Thank You, Lisi
***
Done
UPDATE!!! ANNOUNCEMENT: DUE TO FAMILY OBLIGATIONS, I MUST POSTPONE THE DEADLINE FOR THIS LIMERICK-OFF BY ONE WEEK. THE NEW DEADLINE IS SAT. NOV. 17. RESULTS TO BE POSTED ON NOV. 18. MY APOLOGIES!
Hoping All’s Well That End’s Later ~
Our Limerick-Off deadline’s displaced
By a calendar which was repaced
by a family matter.
Don’t worry, Mad hatter—
More time means more limericks embraced.
You Are Forgiven _ Hope It’s Nothing Bad.
As the deadline approaches, we’re braced,
Never thinking it might be replaced.
Forced to wait, hopes on hold;
Seven days – who got gold?
Were we mentioned or were we unplaced?
More Dramatic
As the deadline approaches, we’re braced,
Never thinking it might be replaced.
Forced to wait, hopes on hold;
Seven days – who got gold?
Were we mentioned or were we disgraced?
Seven days is a long time to wait
With these fortnight-old rhymes on my plate.
Creativity’s paced
For when rhymes are replaced;
And I’d just finished wiping the slate.
The Waterloo plans, ‘down the chute’
With tactics, not so astute
Nap’s army defeated
His ass carefully seated
On the toe of the Wellington boot
“Jellies” A Molded Plastic Sandal
If pumps were intended for pumpin’
And jellies intended for jumpin’
It makes perfect sense
Thus accordingly, hence
That heels were intended for humpin’
On Ancestry Dot Com I traced
My family, and ended red faced.
It seems that no other
Than my dear brother
Has offspring that leave him disgraced.
As the deadline approached, my heart raced,
Never thinking events had outpaced.
All my hopes have been dashed;
Creativity’s crashed;
I’m on hold till the rhymes are replaced.
If tongues is fer lickin’ and talkin’,
And peepers fer squintin’ an’ gawkin’,
Then it follows – there’s clues –
That without, or with, shoes,
Yer feet is fer smellin’ an’ walkin’.
Instant Correction
If tongues is fer lickin’ and talkin’,
And peepers fer squintin’ an’ gawkin’,
Then it follows – there’s clues –
That without, or with, shoes,
That feet is fer smellin’ an’ walkin’.
If tongues is fer lickin’ and talkin’,
And peepers fer squintin’ an’ gawkin’,
Then it follows – there’s clues –
As they come, or with, shoes,
That feet is fer smellin’ an’ walkin’.
I guess I just wrote this in haste!
Cause it turned out to be in bad taste!
“For my sister, a horse”
“Happy Birthday, of course”
(I think that some words were misplaced)
More Explicit
My son said, “Please take off your shoes”
“Baby Jack might get germs, don’t refuse!”
And when he was four
He ate bugs off the floor
And real crap from some numerous zoos.
My sweetheart cannot be replaced!
Her face looks like fossilized paste!
Her skin is all gray
But as some people say:
There is just no accounting for taste.
I lost my belongings in haste!
My passport just cannot be traced!
My license and phone
Are places unknown
WHO AM I ? My selfhood’s misplaced!
In the sixties, I wholly embraced
The “love ins” and communes, (got laced)
Then married “My Jack”
And I never looked back
Hippie Removed. Tradition Replaced.
Have you seen my son Jim on the news?
He’s an expert on National views!
The Nobel he won
But that son-of-a-gun
Just still cannot tie his own shoes.
Correction of “The Truth” (line 5)
From New Jersey, I’ve sure been displaced!
To Chicago, where now I am based!
Where a wallet’s a “folder”
Wow! Here it’s much colder!
You freeze and your face feels like paste!
The trajectory he had traced
And his ball was very well placed,
But when he came to putt
His arse gave a phut
And he missed, upset and red faced.
Correction of a previous limerick
“Chelsea Boots”: ankle high with elastic side panels
Bill and Hilary had some disputes
Over why girls have footwear pursuits!
Bill said, “It’s enough”
Hil declared in a huff:
“I’m leaving to buy Chelsea boots”
“Mules” A shoe with no back
I need a brand new pair of mules
To follow my serious rules:
If a guy gets real gross
I say, “Adios”
Then I use them for nut-kick’in tools
Correction of a previous limerick: line 5 (meter)
In the sixties, I wholly embraced
The “love-ins” and communes (got laced)
Then married “My Jack”
I never look back
My present life can’t be replaced.
It did not take me long to outgrow
The clogs that I wore in the snow
And the smell wasn’t sweet
‘Twas the smell of defeat
Did they hurt? Wooden shoe like to know!
He had bought some new shoes. With surprise,
She couldn’t believe her own eyes.
Said his wife, “They’re both fine,
But a different design,
And each shoe is a different size!”
(True story – a friend of mine did exactly that.)
DT and the Unknown Soldier
Once more, Donald Trump is disgraced.
Where’s the flowers he ought to have placed?
“Buy a wreath for some Joe
That I don’t even know?
Ya think I’ve got money to waste?”
The President died! They made haste
To get the huge body displaced.
But the ambulance crew
Told the staff “No can do –
No toxic industrial waste.”
(Modified version)
She couldn’t believe her own eyes –
He had bought some new shoes! With surprise,
Said his wife, “They’re both fine,
But a different design,
And each shoe is a different size!”
(True story – a friend of mine did exactly that.)
My Granny said, “Don’t ever flirt”
“For sometimes, you might just get hurt”
“And no matter the weather
“Don’t wear patent leather
“Cause the boys will see right up your skirt”
“The Balkans or Baltics, who cares?
That war happened”, the Donald declares.
“So I got them misplaced?
Well, it’s gotta be faced,
They’re all BALs, so the fault must be theirs.”
My holiday table, (with taste!)
Has settings just perfectly placed
At the end of the meal
I politely reveal:
” The remote has been strangely misplaced”
If at midnight, you lose your glass shoes
You’ll totally get the “mean blues”
You’ll feel so afraid
And just so dismayed
(It’s time you stayed off of the booze)
These crocs are ugly as can be
But damn comfy they are, you see
They’re like jelly shoes
With holes that just schmooze
My pinky toe that goes wee wee
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 310. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Pairs.