Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CRY or DECRY at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CRY or DECRY at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TOOLS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TOOL-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on October 14, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 13, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
There are limerick writers whose brow
Is as low as a pub will allow.
Tasteful others reach high
And at times will decry
Evil acts, broken vows, harmful chow.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing & Publishing Humor, Writing Prompts
The Hanging Judge started to cry:
“She’s treating me badly, but why?
It’s supremely clear
I’m the victim here!
Here’s the evidence: I’m a GUY!”
Poor Kavanaugh started to cry.
“My life is destroyed by a lie!
It can’t have been me,
’Cause my friends all agree
I was drunk as a judge that July.”
Astonished observers descry
A huge, bloated form in the sky.
It’s the Donald with wings!
“I’m the greatest!”, he sings,
Proving pigs can undoubtedly fly.
“Unfair!” the Republicans cry.
“Judge Kavanaugh’s our kind of guy!
Young Brett didn’t do it,
But if he did, screw it –
All boys will be boys when they’re high.”
My best friend feels less than chipper
Since catching his tool in a zipper
He bore stings and itches
When they took out the stitches
But it’s beginning to smell like a kipper
Inspired by the Kavanaugh hearings…
The slide rule? It no longer rules.
Carbon paper? Used only by fools.
Such things are, to me,
Like today’s GOP:
A collection of outdated tools.
When we all heard his name in July
We said, “Oh Boy! Now here is our guy!
He’ll be great for the Court
And deserves our support”
(Now that is what’s called a “far cry”)
You will know if you’re dealing with fools
From the moment they pick up their tools.
Signs for which to beware
Are a cavalier air –
And complete disregard of the rules.
You will know if you’re dealing with fools
From the moment they pick up their tools.
Signs for which to beware
Are a cavalier air –
And complete disregard of the rules.
Health and Safety? Just doesn’t apply,
So don’t ask – it will force them to lie.
Best make sure you’re insured –
Most mistakes can be cured –
And do set up a camera and spy.
My pal’s the delivery guy
Who brings all of the creeps their supply
He saw Judge Brett today
And politely did say:
“Here’s the beer that you ordered. Now cry.”
Now this is what’s called your “big tool”?
Now who are you trying to fool?”
It looks like a fish
Who just had a bad dish
And then can’t find his way back to “school”
“What we want”, the Republicans drool,
Is a Judge who will act as our tool.
Merrick Garland? Too smart.
Need a man with no heart
Who’s a liar, a cheat and a fool.”
When guilty, play the “God card” and cry,
Shout and sniffle to cover your lie.
Don’t have to look far,
To see what you are-
Just a callous, entitled white guy.
There once was a guy name of Jules,
His hands, lips, and cock were his tools.
With gals, he had his way,
Until some had their say,
No more will they be toys and fools.
There’s a scurry; I stifle a cry
In one second I’m yards or well-nigh
From the eight-legged beast—
Like lightning when greased!
In extremis I’m really quite spry.
Well, nothing just passes us by
(Though many just can’t fathom why)
It seems we’ve united
And sure are delighted
That we’ve raised a loud hue and a cry.
I never had sex with a guy
Till I married last eighth of July
When he showed me his stuff
My decision was tough:
Should I laugh or just break down and cry?
Now ladies it’s time to decry!
Your man can no longer get by!
If you wash all the dishes
He won’t get his wishes
Till he puts on an apron to dry!
Mad: line 2 of one limerick above should read: Till I married “last” eighth of July
not Till I married “this” eighth of July
Could you please fix it for me?
Thanks, Lisi
****
Done.
(Not only Australians)
At foreplay he’s got no award
Adept at wielding his sword
No putting out feelers
His cry to the sheila’s
“Brace yourself, I’m coming aboard”!
TOOLS: A Revision
Watch to see how they handle their tools.
You’ll soon know if you’re landed with fools.
Other signs to beware
Are, a cavalier air,
And the regular flouting of rules.
Health and Safety? Just doesn’t apply,
So don’t ask – it will force them to lie.
Best to check you’re insured –
Most mistakes can be cured –
And do set up a camera and spy.
(woman to woman)
Flat screwdrivers? (Just use restraint!)
Think they’re dangerous? (Honey, they ain’t!)
If the room’s done in white
And it looks like a fright
Go and buy one to open new paint.
A psychic was doing some plumbing
Cos his pipes were gurgling and drumming
Pushing drain rods with might
Released tsunami of shite
I bet he didn’t see that coming
My doctors got no bedside manners
He makes small talk and carelessly banters
His sympathy’s sparse
With his hand up my arse
Where there’s a grease gun and several spanners
The Involvement Of Tools
Oh, how many a woman has cried
When her hubby stepped up to confide,
“Do not worry, M’dear,
All I need to do here…”
Striking fear in the heart of his bride.
Oh, let men’s praise fly to the sky.
They might even tell a white lie.
But to no position
State strong opposition,
I hate to hear grown men decry.
If I weren’t a man I would cry.
We don’t! Don’t ask me why.
As men we don’t bawl,
Well most don’t at all…
Do you think, maybe, we should try?
Brett it’s essential you cry,
Be angry, lay blame and here’s why…
Show that you’re hurt
Don’t mention the dirt…
Thanks Don, I’m sure I will try.
I’m the best for the SCOTUS, no lie!
A trustworthy, priv’lidged white guy
I just drank some beer.
What she says is a smear.
If you don’t vote me in, I may cry.
Here is something that sure makes you cry
Take my word, you won’t see a dry eye
At that DMV sign
There’s a really long line
(People bawling and wishing to die)
I bought some new scissors. The packet
Was rigidly sealed. What a racket!
I tried – what a joke!
All my fingernails broke,
And I needed some scissors to crack it!
We were married the tenth of July
Then she made me her “famed” apple pie
Spent the night in the john
Thought my innards were gone
Susie’s cooking just sure made me cry
Mad’s contests, one sure can’t deny
Are TOUGH, yet you have to comply!
Some words are a breeze
You can “work” them with ease
But the ones for this week make me cry.
My husband said he would comply
And shop for our weekly “supply”
He forgot toilet roll
Now I’m stuck in the hole
So I may as well sit here and cry.
Kavanaugh’s Defense
Dr. Ford has sullied my name,
The press has tarred me with shame,
So now I must cry,
And dust off the lie,
That Hillary Clinton’s to blame.
When the hunter his prey does descry
He imagines the same in a pie.
Bringing weapon to bear,
He dispatches right there,
But then lingers a moment to cry.
“Hubby” goes to the town hardware store
He claims that he “needs so much more”
Then buys a side grinder
And magnetic stud finder
(But has no idea what they are for)
Mad: above limerick: line 3: “He” buys a side grinder” should be “Then” buys a side grinder. Could you change that for me ?
Thank you,
Lisi
***
Done.
Brett Kavanaugh’s guilty as sin
And should not be voted in.
The reason why:
He’ll lay blame and decry,
But no innocent claim comes from him.
Judge Kavanaugh dropped a big clanger
In displaying self-piteous anger
Yes he did cry,
But no matter how try,
He’s just a self-righteous haranguer.
Melania said, “Please Don, why
Is it that you make me cry?”
He said “Mel My Dear,
it’s not me that you hear,
Remember the news is a lie.”
In a letter she wrote in July,
Christine Blasey Ford did decry
A man’s drunken frottage
And a laughter barrage
From Mark Judge and that Kavanaugh guy.
Lady plumbers, the problem’s not Kav —
He is just the most recent they have!
Grab the plunger and snake!
Things won’t flow till we shake
ALL the turds from the Federal lav!
“Granny, look at the marmalade sky!”
Says my grandchild at sunset — and I
Think of Lennon’s sad fate
(He’d be seventy-eight
On the ninth)… no, of course I won’t cry!
Sharp Tool: Knife: June 23, 1993. Manassas, VA
Mr. Bobbitt, OH BOY! did he pay!
Although he deserved it, (some say)
Lorena’s sharp knife
Just cut off that man’s “life”
And it kinda’ just ruined his day.
Those vice grips are really quite nice
(Turning nuts and bolts) WHAT A DEVICE!
But be careful with use
There is just no excuse
To use them for gripping your vice.
A putty knife’s so great to use
For filler or patching (to fuse)
But it’s just unsurpassed
And works really fast
For scraping dog shit off your shoes.
My dad said, “I’ll teach you two rules:
Number one: never buy shoddy tools.
Number two: don’t misuse!
Using hammers on screws
Or a cent for a fuse is for fools.”
To Be Read With A Welsh Accent, Please
“Takes a lot to get Welshmen to cry.”
Said Llewellen, a tear in his eye.
“One is spilling their drink,
And the other, I think,
Will be losing the cup by a try.”
Still In The Valleys
“There are ways to get Welshmen to cry.”
Said Llewellen, a tear in his eye.
One is spillin’ their drink,
And the other, I think,
Will be losin’ the cup by a try.”
“No! Hold on! There’s another, I lie.
If you really want Welshmen to cry.
Tell them France have moved down,
Out of reach of the crown,
But that England go through on a by.”
The birds were all baked in a pie
But dessert was ironic and wry
Ignoring the hints
It was set before Prince
But you can’t hear the doves when they cry
Press 1 if you get no reply
Press 2 if you don’t realize why
We’ve made it real clear
That there’s no human here
Press 3 if this just makes you cry.
My thesis was done in July
It was “ready to go” but then I
Heard a loud crunch
Fido had it for lunch
That was 10 years ago. I still cry.
“Your plane’s been delayed, (don’t know why)
We’ve tried to find out, (no reply)
For just 5 nights more
You must sleep on the floor
Go to Terminal 3 for your cry.”
Your e-mails can just make me cry
Cause incorrect grammar “gets by”
I know you type fast
But I’m really aghast
When you start every sentence with i
Al Capone was a man, (true self-made)
People say he was “never afraid”
He sold great cards for poker
Had a Mafia “Broker”
He sure had the tools of his trade.
Another Try
Al Capone was a man, (true self-made)
People say he was “never afraid”
He could get you a whore
Or some booze by the score
(Just had all of the tools of his trade)
A tailgater – massively rude;
One finger was known to protrude.
Flew by on the right,
Then a flashing blue light;
And that’s when that driver was screwed.
Correction of syllable error: 7 limericks up: (line 2)
7:41 am Oct. 3rd.
Press 1 if you get no reply
Press 2 if you can’t figure why
We have made it real clear
That there’s no human here
Press 3 if this just makes you cry.
The boxing kangaroo had to cry
He was force to always eat pie
He got tire of it
Then took a long spit
And made pie eating a public de-cry
With Mad Kane’s new challenge, we try
to write limericks with “Kavanaugh” and “cry,”
but in our conviction
let’s not forget the victim
as we write all these poems on the fly.
Obama was never his fear,
angry women won’t cause him one tear,
but I’m telling you guy,
you’ll make Kavanaugh cry
if you ever go after his beer!
America, Land of the Free
If privileged and rich like me.
Don’t even try…
You might as well cry,
You’re where we want you to be.
The norm is to now cheat and lie
Like Trump and this Kavanaugh guy.
“Make America Great”
How sad it’s too late…
Would make any decent man cry.
I’ve bought a new hammer screwdriver.
It only cost me a fiver.
What else would I use
To hammer in screws?
And Amazon says they’ll deliver.
It was while she was stroking his thigh
That a thought brought a tear to his eye.
Would she think it all right
To watch football tonight,
Or like last week, throw tantrums and cry.
The Outraged Bibliophile
“I’m not given to wondering, ‘Why?’.
You have foibles, I will not decry.
But I can’t overlook
What you did to this book.
‘How dare you do that!’ I must cry.”
It was while she was stroking his thigh
That a thought brought a tear to his eye.
Would she think it all right
To watch football tonight,
Or, throw tantrums, like last week, then cry.
Well, the team won at home; he was high.
It was late, but ‘Why not?” he would try.
“Are you still in the mood?”
Her reply, beyond rude,
Meant that now it was his turn to cry.
After so many fails he could cry,
But give up? Not a chance! Do or die.
He had built, part by part,
As it showed on the chart,
But was stumped by the 白話/白话 DIY.
Oh, how easy it is to decry
Now that Donald has risen so high.
Is he really that bad?
Hey! He’s somebody’s dad.
What’s the worst that can happen? We die!
On their profiles, some girls are scammers
But on blind date, you should always show manners
If you’re not filled with lust
By her oddly shaped bust
And a face like a loose bag of spanners
Judge Kavanaugh started to cry
As he asked all the senators “Why?
I’m not like you beggars!
For me, frats and keggers
Are sweet, all-American Pie!”
“The Magic Tool”
My sister took so many pills
Yet she couldn’t get rid of the chills
So I got my “Witch Book”
And I took a good look
Then found something to cure all her ills
The recipe said, “Use hand mixer
To make this real potent elixir”
But with my Hammer Drill
And such great magic skill
This tasty cuisine sure did fix’er.
Last Thanksgiving, I really did try
But my “turkey skills” just went awry
Didn’t turn on the stove
And that totally drove
Me to have one bad “seasonal cry”
Now here’s something true ’bout Aunt “Vi”
This gal just complains or she’ll cry
For a ten minute call
All she does is just bawl
And it feels like your life has gone by
I can hear EVERY WORD! (just could die!)
Cause you and that phone make me cry!
Don’t you know that it’s rude?
We are eating OUR FOOD!
Turn it off. Have your lunch. Then good-bye.
This is an actual “kitchen tool” advertised on Amazon ($ 8.57) Check it out!
On Amazon, you can now buy
A tool that just catches the eye:
It’s the great “Pickle Picker”
(To grab them much quicker)
Without it, how DID we get by?
She refused to go out with me. Why?
‘Cause she wants a more masculine guy.
She cut right to the quick,
Said I act like a chick.
Now excuse me. I need a good cry.
Night Terrors ~
Sometimes I cry in my sleep,
When I think of that jerk and his veep,
Because highly paid fools
With their rules and their tools,
Have not gotten rid of that creep.
If I should speak out they’ll decry
The fact that I partied, got high
But that’s no excuse
To say that I’m loose
And merited boffing. Oh my!
He claims it’s naughty but nice
For pleasure he pays a high price
His greatest of kicks
Was the dominatrix
Who would clamp his balls in a vice
The memory still makes me cry
I’m holding my pain ’till I die
I did not speak out
Too many would doubt
“So what were you wearing? Oh my!”
I drank a few beers and got high
What she said, well now, that’s a lie
I never blacked out
There isn’t a doubt
I like beer, so what’s to decry?
How many for this judgeship vie?
I look at the facts and I cry
He says he likes beer
And then wipes a tear
Judicial demeanor? My eye!
After so many fails he could cry,
But give up? Not a chance! Do or die.
He had built, part by part,
As it showed on the chart,
But was stumped by Sino 白話/白话 DIY.
Sometimes limericks sound cute and try
To win that chuckle, grin, pensive sigh
Others are full of raunch
Or mock GOP’s staunch
But just few make me laugh til I cry
A handy man was my pa
though he had studied the law
As blind as a bat
At the toolbench he sat
And picked up his hammer and saw
Nails and hammers did not fancy her
Disliked washers and screws that’s for sure
But ropes were okay
For blindfolded play
And her fondness of handcuffs with fur
Simplified
After so many fails he could cry,
But give up? Not a chance! Do or die.
He had built, part by part,
As it showed on the chart,
But was stumped by Chinese 白話/白话 DIY.
The Midwest has birds in the sky
That crash into things as they fly.
All dazed and confused,
But the town is amused;
“They’re drunk as a skunk!” is the cry.
An early frost caused this event;
Where berries would start to ferment.
One cop said it best:
“A sobriety test
Is something we’ll have to invent.”
Jewelers won’t get played for fools!
They know there are not any tools
To polish and set
A pair of baguettes
Cut from Don Trump’s family jewels.
He spent five-to-ten in the slammer
For what he had done with a hammer,
But she kept writing “it’s,”
When it should have been “its,”
And he didn’t enamor her grammar.`
The plumber worked hard with her wrench
To cut off the toilet pipe stench,
But stopped to hit Fred
With the wrench on his head,
Because he kept calling her “wench.”
Mr. Phillips was hitting the sauce
At the tool firm of which he was boss.
The priest wouldn’t anoint,
But Phil got the point,
To make screws with signs of the cross.
George was really ticked off at that Paul
Had neglected to give back the awl.
For, when he had loaned it,
He had not really owned it.
He borrowed it last year from Saul.
Humpty Dumpty let out a cry
He slipped off the wall and fell out of the sky
I’m shattered and broke
I’ve lost all my yolk
There’s not much left in me to scramble or fry.
He may have had a tiny tool
But the women he’d still enthrall
He knew just how to please
Had them coming with ease
Every time he gave it his awl
That carpenter knew what he SAW
The woman next door was a whore
But when he went to court
The Judge stopped him short
“I really would like to know more”.
There is something you never should buy:
Plastic food wrap, and here is just why:
You might have good “smarts”
But won’t know where it starts
You’ll give up and go have a good cry.
This one’s better
Here is something you never should buy:
Plastic food wrap, I’ll now tell you why:
Even with your good “smarts”
You won’t know where it starts
Then give up and just break down and cry.
My friend said, “Please don’t be a fool
Go meet “Robert” (He’s really so “cool”)
You’ll scream and you’ll shout
He”ll just tire you out
Cause, GIRL! he’s got ONE power tool!”
Those favoring Brett will sure try
To get him approved. (What A Guy??)
There’s Graham, Mitch and Pence
This Ken Starr makes no sense
And Limbaugh and Sean make me cry.
“What’s that tool, Dear? (I’ve got a bad hunch!)
And why do I hear a strange “crunch”?
(It’s got POINTS and a KNIFE!)
I must run for my LIFE!
Oh Look! It’s his new leather punch!
There once was a fellow named Fred
Whose penis grew out of his head
The girls he kissed cried
When pricked in the eye
But they weren’t really tears that they shed.
There once was a screwdriver, Phillip
Who screwed lots of screws but was still up
So, wanting some more,
He searched through the drawer,
And decided that he’d hit the drill up.
America, look what you’ve got
A systemic core full of rot.
“Of the People,” we cry.
“For the People.” Oh My!
“By the People?” How can we say not?
Sorry, America you’re screwed,
Put in a way none to crude.
If you rant and decry
He’ll just deny
And you’ll still end up the abused.
America, we’ve now got a chance
To stop Trump and his merry dance.
ENOUGH! the catch-cry.
Power we’ll pry,
If Democracy is to advance.
For things to Change, First must I!
Is the mantra I cry.
If things aren’t right
Do I put up a fight,
Or quietly lay down and die?
So justice is meant to be blind?
Not in the States you will find!
Foul! You might cry
To deaf passer’s by
Who shrug and pay it no mind.
So when is this going to stop?
Being lauded over by GOP!
ENOUGH! We must cry.
If we don’t try
We’ll continue being the sop.
If you can’t pay cash, “Don’t buy”,
Should be the common catch cry.
Except for a home,
You don’t need a loan.
Can’t pay in full? Pass by!
Best Irish accent please
As film buffs, we loved every spool
In La Mancha he played an old fool
Starred in Lawrence and Becket
But who the feck is it?
To be sure sor, ‘tis Peter O’Toole !
Without breakfast, I just can’t get by
Grabbed my Corn Flakes, then things went awry
I dropped all the “Silk”
(It’s a cool almond milk)
Then OVER SPILT Silk I did cry.
“REPRESENTATIVE!” (scream till I die)
“Is anyone THERE?” (no reply)
Then 3 hours on “hold”
(But the truth must be told)
I need all that time for my cry!
Hilary Swank: 1999
Transgenders all try to get by
In a world some will say, “It’s a lie”
But Lana was true
(Knowing what he went through)
But never believe “Boys Don’t Cry”
In the sack with an insecure guy,
She gave voice to a rapturous cry:
“You’ve a huge, awesome dick!”
It’s just part of her shtick:
When she lays, she relies on a lie.
There are those who will heave a great sigh
Or, possibly, loudly decry
And come down with a hammer
On the use of bad grammar
Committed by someone like I.
CORRECTION: line 5 “but” to “just” parenthesis changed to line 5
Hilary Swank: 1999
Transgenders all try to get by
In a world some will say, “It’s a lie”
But Lana was true
Knowing what he went through
(Just never believe “Boys Don’t Cry”)
Although hazing they claim to decry,
Don’t be fooled; it’s one big bald-faced lie–
Because chugging and scarfing
And boofing and barfing
Are required when you pledge Sigma Chi.
Deadeye Jack, in the clink, denied bail,
Was determined to break out of jail.
He said, “Sweetie, please give
Me some tools for a shiv”–
Then escaped like a bat out of hell!
(always a Jersey girl)
The seasons just quickly go by
It’s December, and then it’s July!
But the ones I like best
That surpass all the rest
Are the guys who sang, “Big Girls Don’t Cry”
(1950)
I remember that day in July
When my Grandma died, (didn’t know why)
I was only just three
And the world new to me
(It’s the first time I saw Mommy cry)
(multi-tool)
In Switzerland, you won’t see strife
The inhabitants live a calm life
They’re never in fear
And the reason is clear:
They all own a Swiss Army Knife
( Hank Williams )
“Well finally I am your guy!
All the laws of the land I’ll apply
Hey! Wher’d everyone go?
Gee! them protests just grow
“I’m SO LONESOME THAT I COULD just CRY”
Dental surgeons, they make me feel ill
It’s whether extraction or fill
How often I’ve cried
From the first open wide
And what I fear most is the drill
Father Christmas eats food that he grows
Makes sure all his plants are in rows
After planting the seeds
He keeps down the weeds
With plenty of Hoe Hoe Hoe’s
My “hardware guy” said, “Get a stripper”
(My wires were not looking “chipper”)
He said, “In the back
We’ve a really nice stack
Including a lady called “Tipper”
“I know that you try to get by
But your grammar could make someone die!”
“OH! Don’t get UPSET!
LOOK! Your face is all WET!
Now Honey, there, they’re their, don’t cry!”
COLONOSCOPY? Give it a try!
It’s not really bad, (you get high)
But you cannot ignore
That the day just before
You’ll drink crap that will just make you cry.
The fashion faux pas I decry
Spring flip flops with socks worn knee-high
I wear them with pride
To cover my leg hide
My swank? Never shall I belie
(medical tools)
This doctor had no EDUCATION!
We spoke and I felt AGITATION!
Cause I saw on the news
That this “quack doc” did use
A cleaver for John’s AMPUTATION!
Troubled Waters
Paul Simon’s a talented guy
And Garfunkel? (well, it’s a tie)
But now they’re both bald
And I’m really appalled
So I’ll just have to lie down and cry.
She sat on my lap, (what a high)
See, I’m really a “macho-type” guy
But my legs just gave in
And I gave her a grin
Which then turned to an out-and-out cry
The “SOPRANOS”! (It gave us a high)
An ADDICTION! (And we all knew why)
For 8 years, we kept track
Then the screen just went black!
Did you all hear that “Jersey Group Cry?”
Off to college, we all said, “Good-Bye”
We’ll miss him (of course, that’s no lie)
Went to clean out his room
(Looked like “Cyclone In Bloom”)
It was easier, then, just to cry
A protest with placards held high!
There were thousands of us marching by
But something was missing
And people were pissing
No bathroom in sight made me cry
You wait and you just wonder why
A nurse doesn’t give you the eye
And then finally she
Says, “Please go to room 3”
So you wait AGAIN! (sit there and cry)
There’s no one who likes Auntie “Vi”
Every Christmas we all want to die
Gotta look at her face
(A revolting disgrace)
Then all of us hide and just cry
Mad: just noticed that I rhymed “Di” with die
limerick just above.: “There’s no one who likes Auntie “Di”
Should be “There’s no one who likes Auntie “Vi”
Could you change that for me?
Thank You,
Lisi
********
Done
The jack-of-all-trades was a fox,
And her skill set could blow off your socks.
She did hundreds of jobs
For a great many slobs
And had quite a few tools in her box.
A hot shower feels great, and here’s why:
It’s so soothing, it gives you a high
But when toilets are flushed
You’re still in there and crushed
Cause you freeze off your ass and then cry
At the airport, those bags “circle” by
But yours never catches the eye
Everybody got theirs
Seems that nobody cares
As you wait there 5 hours and cry
Essential Kitchen Tool (really available on Amazon)
At the hardware store you can now buy
PIZZA SCISSORS! How DID we get by?
It’s a dumb kitchen tool
Mainly used by a fool
Grab a KNIFE! (Hey! just give it a try!)
A warm summer night, stars in the sky,
Urgent pleas in the dark, then a cry
As a spotlight uncovers
Two near-naked lovers
On the grass — and a cop standing by.
A sadistic ship’s captain named Bligh,
Enjoyed making his cabin boy cry.
First, he’d force him to frig
Below decks in the brig,
Then, all game-playing screen time deny.
The tools that are real fun to use
Are those mops that attach to your shoes
While you’re washing the floor
You can dance to the score
Of Elvis’s “Rhythm and Blues”
Is the leaf blower really a tool?
Or something designed for a fool?
The wind blows them back
There’s that same crispy stack
Start again? (Oh, that just ain’t too cool)
Those birthday cakes sure make me cry!
I’ve got a good reason, here’s why:
When those candles are blown
It’s “bacteria zone”
Then I’m just so freaked out (I could die)
You suggested I give it a try,
Colonoscopy — thought I would die!
Without anesthetic
I lived to regret it
That cold scope up my rear made me cry.
When the doctor stuck her trusty tool
Up my rump I felt like such a fool,
When she told me, “Nice ass!”
I turned red and passed gas
In her face, how completely uncool!
Colonoscopy caused me some strife
And yet truly, it has changed my life;
F’ though my doctor goosed me
She did not abuse me
And we’re happily now man and wife!
My brother was put in the slammer
For peddling a “left-handed ” hammer
Which you grab with your right
And then hold on real tight
Switch to left hand and then make it clamor
Barry Manilow’s sure a great guy
He’s so talented, you could just die
He sang, “I Write The Songs”
But the credit belongs
To Bruce Johnston, and that makes me cry
There are times when I just wonder why
Haven’t figured it out, (I still try)
That in some situations
I’ve got these temptations
To laugh, when I know I should cry.
Though I’m a bit of a power-tool junkie
All of mine are a bit clunky.
I’m not very good,
At drilling in wood…
You’d probably say I’m a flunky.
I’m ten and a hand-tool fanatic,
But my output is somewhat erratic.
I could master craft
If these tools weren’t so daft
And most of them were automatic.
Of the thousands of types of tool
Most work pretty well as a rule.
You don’t like the result?
It’s not the tool’s fault
But the operator who is the fool.
The worker is always to blame
Why nothing is ever the same.
You can’t blame the tool
‘Cause they work to rule
And besides they haven’t a brain.
Bad workers give us a bad name
‘Cause to them we’re always to blame.
Because we don’t like,
The hammers will strike,
And will strike until they refrain.
I think it’s abundantly clear,
No silk purse from a sow’s ear…
Is not my fault.
I’m not the dolt,
But this useless sewing machine here.
Table 1 is for Karen and Cy
Table 2 is for Susie and Guy
Table 3: John and Dee
Table 4: just for me
(So glad that I came for a cry)
As soon as I heard that weird sound
I knew that my “hubby” had found
The clamp for his hose
(I was trying to doze)
So I told him, “Stop tooling around!”
“Pistol Pete” was the head of the “mob”
Yet, most people just called him “The Slob”
But this man was self-made
Knew the tools of his trade
And paid well for a good hatchet job
As the villain the shoemaker’s cast
He’d had an affair in the past
Lead his lass merry dances
She gave second chances
But this was the cobbler’s last
Tool of the trade for a laundress?
A bored young woman from Ely
While washing became touchy feely
Her relief from within
Came on fast rinse and spin
Whilst sitting astride of her Miele
Tools
A young dentist who practised in Leith
Liked to sing while attending to teeth.
He sang solo to drill,
Then duetted to fill,
With a dental hygienist called Keith.
Well, they call me “Dodeca” O’doul,
For one foot is the length of my tool.
For deep conjugal clinches,
It’s tattooed in inches,
(Tho) I don’t use the twelve, as a rule.
One of my older limericks, reworking an even older joke.
dodeca – a combining form meaning twelve.
On our honeymoon we went with glee
To the lovely island of Capri
Over some lemon pie
I just started to cry
She said she’s pregnant, but not by me
Amazon: $89.25 (multi tool) TRUE!!
There’s something that we all should know
About that new cool “Rake ‘n Hoe”
You can chop all your weeds
And then plant lovely seeds
(You will soon see your nice garden grow!)
Mad: above limerick: could you please change line 5 to
You will soon see your nice garden grow, instead of You’ll soon see your nice garden grow?
Thank You
Lisi
***
Done.
CORRECTION OF LINE 4 and 5
My brother was put in the slammer
For peddling a “left handed” hammer
Which you grab with your right
And just hold on real tight
Then switch to the left hand and clamor
Maltese Falcon’s a film Bogart made
The one where the gumshoe gets laid
A bird jewel encrusted
Client, ‘not to be trusted’
The detective’s name? It’s Sam Spade!
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 308. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Scent.