Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DATE or SEDATE at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DATE or SEDATE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to AFFAIRS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best AFFAIRS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on August 19, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 18, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
I’ve some traits that refuse to abate.
For instance, I’m far from sedate;
Never calm, nor unhurried,
I’m rarely unworried.
Want evidence? Check with my mate.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Anxiety, Anxiety Humor, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
“Fifteen minutes the Queen made me wait!
I thought I had got the wrong date!”
Donald’s lying; he knows
That the video shows
It was he who was twelve minutes late.
(Double)
With six bankruptcies, Trump still declares:
“I’m the greatest at business affairs!”
Now we wait for the date
That he bankrupts the state.
“Hey, that’s business,” says Donald. “Who cares?”
Great-Aunt Mildred Startles Anna
She declared, “I tried being sedate
In my protracted search for a mate;
Was advised to just wait,
My virginity, bait.
But at ninety, it now seems too late!
So, young thing, I urge you to defy it.
If he likes you enough, dear, he’ll buy it:
I refer to the ring
That he’ll slip on your fing-
Er. Have sex now? Heck, yes, why not try it?!”
So Anna went home, deep in thought,
And determined she wouldn’t get caught
With her panties down. Why
Not give petting a try?
She soon found that she liked it a lot.
It was hard to draw back from the brink
When stirred up, but she made herself think
Of her plans, and went steady:
Well-off nice guy Eddie.
Great-aunt gave the nod and a wink
(Anna, nineteen, so pretty in pink).
“An affair to remember”, he said
As his lover lay panting in bed.
“You’re disgustingly plump
In the chest and the rump,
But, dear Donald, you sure give great head.”
“That Putin affair went so well!”
Said the Donald. “Of course, I can’t tell
You the things that were said,
Or I might end up dead,
But he says what I gave him is swell.”
The doctors had tried to sedate
Donald’s ravings of anger and hate,
But he’d scream and he’d swear
Till they got him to wear
A new jacket – the kind that is strait.
He was having a torrid affair
With a bimbo. He’d stripped her quite bare
When his wife came home early,
Screamed “Who is this girly?”
“Some kind of nude burglar, I swear!”
At “Time’s Running Out” we gals date!
(It’s essential to find the right mate)
He might be “top-notch”
But we still wear a watch
To make sure that we’ll be home by eight
The wife got wind of our affair
When she came across a blonde hair
In the marital bed
(She’s a flaming redhead)
It’s au revoir to the au pair
As best man, I have to attend
My guilt’s driving me round the bend
The bride to be’s
Been shagging me
Now she’s marrying my best friend
She wanted to have a great fling
“Dear Hubby, I need clothes for Spring!”
“Let’s see what you bought!”
(Oh dear! I’ve been caught!)
But then claimed she could “not find a thing”
His life-style is very sedate;
He claims to work early till late,
Never leaving his chair,
But the reason he’s there?
So obese that he can’t relocate.
“Let me give you the latest update”,
Said Sanders. “The People all hate
You journalist guys
With your Fake News and lies –
You’re their Enemy … Fox, though, is great!”
Through the years, I’ve had many affairs,
It’s the truth, I’m not putting on airs,
Now I’m so much older,
But still feel the smolder,
As long as I’m wanted, who cares!
You’re as sweet as a fig or dried date,
But your intellect’s up for debate.
You’re naive; way true trusting,
Your politics: disgusting!
You can’t tell the real thing from gold plate.
Online I have found a nice date
And Wow! this guy really sounds great!
“Now wear a red hat”
“So I’ll know where you’re at”
In walked Dad. I’m so mad. HE WAS LATE!
The girl had gone out on a date
With a fellow who taught her to skate.
When she slipped on the ice,
He exclaimed “Very nice!
No knickers! Not here, though – let’s wait.”
If you’re planning to have an affair
It’s important to know what to wear
Either something quite slinky
Or maybe real kinky
And “Chanel Number Five” way down there
I’d booked us a suite at The Grand,
Every detail carefully planned
I’d not bargained for
That knock at the door,
The wife, divorce papers in hand.
There’s a site that’s called,” Find A Nice Mate”
And this guy sounds just really “first-rate”
“Now wear a red hat”
“So I’ll know where you’re at”
In walked Dad. I’m so mad. HE WAS LATE!
I can’t sleep so I try to sedate.
Pop a pill, then I just have to wait.
But my mind can’t stop racing,
Counting sheep? No, I’m chasing!
Have my own Oxford Union debate.
I’ll never forget my first date
(So nervous, I had to sedate)
But took too many pills
And just missed all the thrills
Nine months later, we had Darling Kate
Mad: change of one word in above limerick: “I” to “BUT”(line three)
I took too many pills should be “BUT” took too many pills
Could you change that for me?
Thank you, Lisi
*****
Done.
Okay, so I cheated on Jack!
But last night he would cut me no slack!
He said it’s my fault
That the roast needed salt
And I needed to just get him back!
This limerick is very meaningful to me because it’s TRUE.
Our friendship has now lasted for 20 years:
Fran asked, “How about a blind date?”
She said that “This guy’s really great”
He was sightless, you see
I loved him. He loved me.
And I feel that our meeting was fate
It’s fun when you have your first date
But PLEASE! Do not come home too late!
Your Dad will be there
And you’ll feel much despair
When he throws your sweet putz in the grate
This takes the first prize for a date!
(The restaurant really was great)
I asked, “How is your dish?”
And he said, “Darling Trish”
“I’ve got too much damn food on my plate”
Oh Damn! It’s a quarter to eight!
Once again, I must strongly sedate!
Bill thinks that I love it
One day I’ll say, “Shove it!”
Cause, really he just ain’t that great.
My speciality is Foreign Affairs
As I meet with Grace’s and Heir’s,
But the young wench
Who out-Frenched the French,
Also out-paired the au pair’s.
These pills are designed to sedate,
I misread how many to take.
I took the whole box
Now I’m suffering shocks…
That might be my last big mistake.
This pill is meant to sedate.
I’ve taken a few just of late.
Whilst I should feel drowsy,
Weary and wowsy,
Instead, I feel quite awake.
Hi, two up, could you put an “are” between “pills designed”.
Thanks.
*****
Done.
I’ve had the odd Affair.
My wives don’t seem to care.
Of course I don’t lie,
Why would I try,
I just pay, I’m a millionaire.
It was quite a torrid affair
And he was quite “horrid” down there.
After comings, five
I felt quite alive
But now preg’s, a bit worried. Oh dear.
When you have your affair with “Sweet Joe”
You might want to let the man know:
That you’ve brought your new cell
Cause you might have to tell
Your dumb husband where everything goes
In battling our fourth estate
Trump keeps piling lies on his plate.
Some tests say “Mueller’s losin’!”
while some suggest collusion
and they only agree on the date.
OOPS! DIDN’T RHYME! TRY AGAIN!
When you have your affair, cousin Rose
Please make sure that your charming date knows
You have brought your own cell
Cause you might have to tell
Your dumb husband where everything goes.
Please Mister, you must get it straight!
Certain photos will tend to create
Some pictures of when
That cute gal was just ten
So request one with “Tribune” and DATE!
RED LIPSTICK! Oh No! I’m afraid
To show you the mess you have made!
My Darling, oh well
I will just have to tell
The salesgirl to get me that shade.
I finally found a nice date
And hoped it would really be great!
Even though it was crass
I just HAD to pass gas
(I did not know that I would inflate)
His girlfriend, demure and sedate,
Insisted that they’d have to wait.
Then she saw “Magic Mike”;
Her reaction was like:
“I’d love to be setting HIM straight!”
She was counting her lovers to date:
Since the age of fifteen, at the rate
Of a dozen a year,
That’s a thousand, or near,
And she hasn’t yet turned ninety-eight.
There’s “small talk” on every first date
So boring, it makes you irate!
Just pretend you’re engrossed
And she’ll think you’re the “most”
Cause buddy, it’s sure worth the wait
Historic White House affairs
Are not commonly discussed “Downstairs”.
One, Bill was his moniker,
(She played his harmonica),
Splashed the news in “Current Affairs”.
The Profumo Affair, though now dated,
At the time was considered X-Rated.
Now nobody cares
Of High Office affairs
Our sensibility has been sedated.
Some women now crying “Me Too!”
Forget to Tango takes two.
Nowhere does it state
ALL the men did sedate,
The problem could be lack of “Woo-Hoo!”
My Stormy affairs are just great,
(Unlike Bill* I don’t have to sedate),
But things couldn’t be worse
After Miss Universe
Now Putin’s got his White House date.
*Cosby that is
“Woo-Hoo”, from the top of the stairs.
“M’ Lady!” said buttle, all ears.
The Lord of the Manor
Was on the piana
Taking care of “Domestic” affairs.
Sylvester asked Grace on a date.
In hopes she’d agree to fellate
Him (once suitably smashed
And a smidge less abashed).
So he plied her with gin and V-8.
Sylvester’s had multiple flings.
Defying convention, he swings!
He’s has threesomes galore;
Special fondness for four.
His motto? No strings and no rings!
I was talking to my best mate
About a blonde girl for a date.
Said, “Not Goldilocks?
She’ll give you the pox!”
I said, “Damn, I think it’s too late!”
Of Bunnies, I might have said eight,
Compliments of Hugh…, The Late.
I’m a model Playboy
And they all enjoy
My performance. They think that I’m great.
“Oh Honey, what is the time?”
“It’s eight! There’s the clock! Are you blind?”
“Damn, you said eight,
We’re running real late.
Yes I am! Do I need to remind?”
“You’ll find I’m a wonderful date”
“And my dear, I must say, you look great”
“Please don’t mind if I’m jumpy;
“Or get kind of grumpy”
(I just broke out of prison upstate)
Oh Wow! Did I have one cheap date!
I’ve never been so damn irate!
He asked me to drive
At the “thru window” dive
So that I’d pay the $2.98
He found out ! And I cannot pretend
But I DON’T want this romance to end!
I just had a thought
Even though I got caught
I’ll tell hubby that he’s “JUST A FRIEND!”
Whenever they happen to meet,
He tells her “We must be discrete.
These moments we’ll share
With the utmost of care;
“Cause Mueller has eyes on the street.”
I once asked my wife, “Tell me straight.
“What did you think of our first date?”
“We met and we danced,
“Your moves weren’t advanced
“and years later you’re much more sedate.”
All of those nubile young beauties,
Just performing their pageantry “duties”.
So what some were laid,
They were very well paid
By Cohen, who silenced those cuties.
Men, I am starting to hate.
They keep asking me out on a date.
I have this to say….
Please, I AM NOT GAY
Don’t assume, ’cause I’m young that I’m bait.
Hi, The last one… could you change the last line to:
Don’t assume, ’cause I’m young that I’m bait.
*****
Done.
Melissa, while out on a date,
Ran into her ex-husband Nate.
And with him, a doozy;
This tattooed, young floozy
Who comes with an hourly rate.
Shrieked the pretty young mom to the banker,
“Oh, well, really! You could have been franker!
When you said ‘an affair,’
You meant ‘stick your thing there?!’
Take your home loan and shove it, you wanker!”
Damn, Mad, I left the end quote off the fifth line. Can you fix it? Thanks!
****
Done.
Smiled one Smithie, “I think it’s just great
That the Prof asked you out for a date!”
Frowned the other, “It’s awful!
It shouldn’t be lawful
For men to presume that we’re straight.”
An idiot had two affairs:
With a porn star and Playmate. Who cares?
Well, for starters, his wife.
For the rest of his life
It appears that he’ll need thoughts and prayers.
Oh look! There’s my cute “Match Love” date
Says she “loves to have sex” (just can’t wait!)
But it seems to appear
That there’s two of them here!
(I’ve been cursed by “Ye Ole Wingman’s Fate”)
The attorney set out with his date
In high hopes that they might ‘conjugate’;
But the lady demurred
Saying, ‘No, she preferred
To remain in her ‘uncoupled’ state.’
Meeting up with a cool guy named Nate
Very cute (says he dances real great)
Seems he once was a Prince
Has been traveling since
“OH HIM ??” He’s “like” EVERYONE’S date!”
I just came from my “Ray Bolger” date
As a genius, this man ain’t so great
I asked, “Do you read?”
He said, “Oh yes indeed”
“And I also can count up to eight”
I know what to ask my new date!
I surely know how to relate!
“Is your underwear clean?”
(“I really do mean)
“Do you wash everyday or just wait?”
I’m making America great;
Which all of the globalists hate.
They think I should play
Nice with Merkel and May;
For that, I would have to sedate!
Puritanical pater, Gil Spate,
Hard of hearing, misheard, “masticate.”
“ONANISM IS WRONG!
If you cannot be strong,
Then you leave me no option: Sedate!”
It’s time for my “worldly” blind date!
French restaurant known as “Le Gate”
“My usual, please”
(He says with such ease!)
Rice Krispies on Bugs Bunny plate
“Thanks for asking me out, (Is it “Nate?”)
“Oh yes, and you look lovely, Kate”
Do you know someone hot?
Who could hit my right spot?”
(And that was the end of the date)
The stockbroker’s screener did rate
A colleague he wanted to date.
Analysis said:
“If he takes her to bed,
There’s a 1% chance she will mate.”
“Have a seat and we’ll chat” (“Oh just great!)
“My dear I am telling your straight:
I have a big dick
So let’s get to it quick
“Gotta go cause my dog has a date”
You seem in a bit of a state?
Did you have a really bad date?
The date, it was hell,
The dirt and her smell,
Held my nose till my score got to eight!
I was on this really bad date,
Had to leave, claimed was something I ate.
He just talked of fame…
Oh yeah, Trump was his name,
And the lies, even with his face straight.
A VERY SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS
That his manhood refused to inflate
Was the source of much heated debate;
“It ignores my command,
Will not rise on demand,
And withstands all inducements, to date.”
If you go on a sickening date
With a guy who you THOUGHT was so great
You should teach him real good
Just the way that you should:
And “Unfriend” him so he’ll get it straight
If you have a real torrid affair
When it’s over, you’ll need some “repair”
Put your lipstick on nice
Wash off all the Old Spice
And then say “The Supreme Cheater’s Prayer”
Thanksgiving! (Oh Yuk, not real great)
But it seems to be everyone’s fate
Then you bring pumpkin pie
And say, “Hi Uncle CY”
Who’s already real mad at Aunt Kate
The “fix’ins” are now on your plate
Yet Aunt Gertrude still seems so irate
She won’t sit next to Honey
To whom she loaned money
Happy Holiday!! TIME TO SEDATE !
New and improved.
A VERY SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS
That my manhood refused to inflate
Was the source of much heated debate;
“It ignores my command,
Will not rise on demand,
And disdains all allurements, to date.”
“Oh, please, do, join the club: speculate.
It you think it will help, cogitate!
Share your thoughts on what might
Cause my wick to ignite –
Just be careful you don’t emulate.
I’m beginning to self-flagellate.
I don’t seem to be getting a date.
I don’t think that I’m fussy
In my need to check pussy
To ensure they’re the sex that they state.
There was,a young lady named Kate
Met a young man they had a date
Movie and ice cream parlor
Sitting close loving ardor
Scared him away for her no mate
..
There was,a young lady named Kate
Lonely smelly for her no date
Female hobo was she
Hung her clothes on a tree
Pigsty town she hopped on a freight
..
There was a young lady named Kate
She was so careful what she ate
Not too much salt or fat
Had everything just reit
But alone she blew her intake
..
Improved Overnight
A VERY SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS
That my manhood declines to inflate
Is the source of much heated debate;
“It ignores my command,
Will not rise on demand,
And disdains all allurements, to date.”
“I might never again copulate,
So, please, do, join the club, speculate!
Share your thoughts on what might
Cause my wick to ignite –
Just be careful you don’t emulate.”
Affairs Of The Heart
Said the Marquis, addressing his wife,
“Ouch! My Dear, that’s a very sharp knife!”
Seems the lady’d got wind
That the Marquis had sinned
With a woman who wasn’t his wife.
Said his lady, addressing her lord,
“Just be grateful it isn’t a sword.
Do not worry, you goat,
I’m not cutting your throat,
But I might take the tip off your sword.”
Said the Marquis, now shaking with fear,
“Let’s not jump to conclusions, my Dear.
I was under duress…
I HAVE SINNED! I CONFESS.
But I’m better a bull than a steer.”
Said his lady, caressing the blade,
“We are married and so our bed’s made.
I will give you one chance:
If you lead me a dance…
You’re on notice – be very afraid.”
So, the Marquis remained with his bride
And abandoned his bit on the side.
Though temptation was rife,
He could still feel the knife,
And was true till the day that he died.
Alternative ending:
So, the Marquis remained with his bride
And was true till the day that he died.
And he never could tell –
Things were going so well –
That his wife had a bit on the side.
To her friends she had seemed so sedate,
Not a gal much inclined to predate.
But the day she met Ron
Something switched to ‘full on’;
Now poor Ron is the man that she ‘ate’.
No – This One
When with friends she was prim and sedate,
Not a gal much inclined to predate.
But the day she met Ron
Something switched to ‘full on’;
Now poor Ron is the man that she ‘ate’.
Hampton Pilbeam was very irate
When a rival snuck off with his date.
“Bugger ‘Live and let live’!
No, I will not forgive!
Bastard’s pilfered the tip from the plate.”
If you’re “number two” at “Speed Date”
The process will not let you wait!
If you like “number three”
And think, “He’s just for me!”
He’ll already be married to “eight”
A GERMOPHOBE? Please do not date!
Just listen, girl: I’ll tell you straight!
I went out with a GEEK
(Not to mention a FREAK)
He brought his own spoon, fork and plate.
There’s a guy in this town: DO NOT DATE!
At first, he will seem really great!
He’ll say, “Hi my name’s Tommy”
And then call you his “mommy”
(Just not a cool choice for a mate)
There was a young lady named Kate
Careful what she ate sooo sedate
Not too much salt or fat
Had everything just reit
But alone she blew her intake
..
Mad: three limericks up, I used the wrong word! (lines three and four)
It reads: I went out with Mikey
This guy was a PSYCHE
It should read: I went out with a GEEK
(Not to mention a FREAK)
He brought his own spoon, fork and plate
Could you please change that for me? Thank you, Lisi
******
Done.
There are three of us on this first date
You, me and your iphone, “PLEASE WAIT!”
“I am getting a call”
“And it says that it’s “Paul”
“Please excuse me, my Dear, Darling Kate:
Now I ask you but don’t be irate
Let’s have dinner, so we can relate
Can you turn that thing OFF?
She says with a scoff
(It’s called “Twenty First Century Date”)
I spotted right there in the lobby
A real sexy girl with My Bobby!
“I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!”
“SOME FLOOZY YOU’RE SCREWING!”
(“RELAX, Babe, it’s just my new hobby”)
A Bouquet of Neglect Me Nots, or What’s WaPo Got that Mad Ain’t Got? ~
I’ve been there, done that, as they say,
(only WaPo’s, not Mad’s, by the way.
My affairs? Out of date,
but if I stay up late
then perhaps today might be the day.)
My name is Nathaniel, but friends call me Nate.
Do your friends use Katherine, or call you Kate?
Well Nate, they say Kathy,
I don’t think you’d like Nathy,
If you like Nate, use Kate for this date.
“I am real hungry” he said. Ate
All the food on his plate.
Burped a real doosie
Then ate his floosie
Whose follicles tickled his pate.
We first met on a speed date.
A fast blast, it was just great.
Now we speed orgy,
That is the story…
We must dash, we’re both running late.
I was going on a speed date.
I stutter, so speaking’s not great.
I recorded my spiel
On an old reel-to-reel
To play back at a fast rate.
Once my Granny has set up a date
It’s in stone, she will not deviate.
Nature, try what it may,
Has no pow’r to delay;
Even Death wouldn’t dare make her late.
Instant Revision.
Once my Granny has set up a date
It’s in stone, she will not deviate.
Nature, try what it may,
Has no pow’r to delay;
Death himself wouldn’t dare make her late.
You’re ready to have your affair!
(First meet at “The Pub On The Square”)
And then drop your jaw
You spot mother-in -law
Sitting down in a really close chair
I just had a real terrible date!
That makes five? NO! That’s SIX of them straight!
But I will not fret
Cause it’s now time to get
A CAT and just stay up real late!
My love affair’s down to the “dregs”
Which brings up a question that begs:
Am I really not hot?
Or just merely forgot
That essential task! (shaving my legs)
A traveling salesman named Rex
Was having some parking lot sex.
In the heat of it all,
He butt-dialed a call
That went to his soon-to-be ex.
SeaTac Airport
An employee considered sedate
Went off to his job through the gate
Then purloined a plane
Taxied down a lane
And took off resigned to his fate
Darling Eve, shall we go on a date?
Gee Adam, it’s just not our fate!
The men from before
Really gave me much more
“Oh Babe! “Your head ain’t on real straight!”
Mad: above limerick: line three should read:
The men from before, not THEN men from before!
Could you please fix it for me?
Thank you, Lisi
***
Done.
This chick! She won’t go on a date!
I asked seven times, (maybe eight)
At last she revealed
(Said that “Life’s not “concealed”)
And your backround check’ just ain’t that great”
La Affair
Our marriage now feels incomplete!
My husband just might be a cheat!
He wasn’t aware
I was standing right there
When he did the “BIG E-MAIL DELETE”
Another Version
Darling Eve, shall we go on a date?
Gee Adam, it’s just not our fate!
The guys from before
Really gave me much more
“Oh Man!” Is it something you ATE?”
A more obvious version of “dumb date”
Glad I’m back from this real stupid date!
As a genius, this guy ain’t so great!
I asked, “Do you read?”
He said, “Oh yes indeed”
“And I also can count up to eight”
He’d lost it. Was having a spate
Of anger, re: tardy date.
Complete lost the plot,
In anger besot
At barely two minutes late.
Eddie’s Too Ready
He promised his mind, soul, and heart;
But in hindsight, that wasn’t too smart
‘Cause his latest affair
With their Danish au pair
Told his wife things were falling apart.
She walked in and found him upended
On their bed, where Anise bare-ly tended
His distended member:
A day to remember?
Or not. The least said, soonest mended.
So Carolyn left that same day,
Intending to move far away.
Maybe Iceland! Hmm…France?
Have a torrid romance?
But she knew if she ran, in some way
She might never be free of the past.
Had she really thought Eddie would last
Through the decades? Well, no.
He’d put on a good show,
But once Carolyn saw, she learned fast…
(She’s in Norway now, having a blast).
My Darling, you look like a star!
What is this? It’s a text from the bar!
It says, “Hi, from your wife”
“Hope you have a good life”
“You JERK! I can see where you are!”
Hey Jack! Can’t believe that she knew!
And, of course, now she tells me we’re through!
She showed me a pic
Of me kissing that chick
Which she got from her Google “Street View”
My husband’s just going to hell!
He thinks that I really can’t TELL?
Says he” must take a plane
To his work branch in Spain”
He cleans tables at damn TACO BELL!
Here is something I’d like to relate
Don’t agree? Yet I’m telling you straight:
People marry because
They’re just taking a pause
From that pain in the neck, known as DATE
Another minor revision.
Once my Granny has set time and date
It’s in stone, she will not deviate.
Nature, try what it may,
Has no pow’r to delay;
Even Death wouldn’t dare make her late.
Texas Style?
When a gal, at the end of a date,
Finds her bull wants to kick down the gate;
Knows his ardour, once roused,
Will refuse to be doused,
What else can she do but castrate?
I’ve been told that to find a nice date
You should go to the market “real late”
Cause that’s when a guy
Will sure give you “the eye”
And then you will know it’s your fate!
So I went to the “Shop-Rite” on State
Then hoping to meet someone great:
This dude in the line
Who just looked mighty fine
Said, “Nice melons, Babe; how ’bout a date?”
Found pink panties right under my bed
Did I holler or scream? No! (instead)
On Facebook they went
Cause my dear hubby Trent
Seems to go for a big “center spread”
I asked my real cute “fix-up” date
This question: (“Please answer me straight!”)
“Is it boxers or briefs?”
“Cause I have strong beliefs”
“And I want a real tighty-white mate”
While out on their very first date,
She told him “I have to relate –
Some features you’ll feel
Might not be quite real;
Another is there to inflate…”
Much better, I think.
Should your daughter come home from her date,
Telling tales of ‘a bull at a gate’.
What’s a father to do?
Well, between me and you,
Take that ‘bull’ by the horn and castrate.
An affair may seem like a thrill
Trust me, it’s a given, you will
Rue the day
You played away
When handed a huge divorce bill
He’s basking in amorous bliss;
With just an occasional hiss.
Assured that his date
Will forever be great;
For she’s an inflatable Miss.
Scenario Gone Bad
So far, it’s a really nice date!
Then here comes the check. You both wait.
She grabs in her purse
And now what could be WORSE?
He sits there and just takes the bait
When Nathaniel goes out on a date
He displays a despicable trait.
All he wants is to screw;
All his dates post #metoo.
The misogyny’s truly inNate.
Mad: two limericks up, line two
“Now here comes the check” needs a first word change to “Then” here comes the check”
Could you change that for me?
Thank you, Lisi
***
Done.
A ROSE! for our very first date!
(To impress her; Oh Man! that’s so great!)
She gobbled it up
Like a real hungry pup
I then bolted and hopped on a freight
Her language skills, not being great
This is ALL that she said while we ate:
“YOU’RE KIDDING? ME TOO!
I’M “LIKE” TOTALLY YOU!”
Who the HELL set me up on this date?
I’m sure that I’ll always be great
At running affairs of the State.
Why, just on a whim,
I’ll call Putin or Kim;
Together, we’ll set up a date.
Then off to the meeting I go;
I’ll have some agreements to show.
The look in their eyes,
They can see I’m so wise;
Just THRILLED by who they’ve come to know!
My “fix-up” was very sedate
I’m impressed by that wonderful trait
He did not make a peep
He was just fast asleep
OH MY! What a real boring date!
OOPS! TRY AGAIN!
My “fix-up” was very sedate
I’m impressed by that wonderful trait!
He did not make a peep
He was just fast asleep
I will now eat the food from his plate
IT’S WRONG AGAIN! (wrong tense)
My “fix-up” was very sedate
I’m impressed by that wonderful trait
He did not make a peep
He was just fast asleep
So I then ate the food from his plate
I get paid for spending my time
Dating men way past their prime.
They think they’re ten rated,
They’re more like sedated
But the money makes life real sublime.
Affairs Of Fate
The virago offended The Fates
Who take sides with the men she berates.
They turn cock to capon –
So she can’t turn them on,
And present her a stick that vibrates.
Affairs Of Fate – Revised
The virago displeases The Fates
Who take sides with the men she berates.
They turn cock to capon –
So she can’t turn them on,
And present her a stick that vibrates.
I’m aware of those girls who gyrate,
Who for some, I am told, fascinate;
But the girl I desire,
Is a lass who’s on fire,
But pretends to be shy and sedate.
Sorry – I’m so impetuous!
I’m aware of those girls who gyrate,
Who, for some, may be quite adequate.
But the dame I desire,
Is a lass who’s on fire,
But pretends to be shy and sedate.
What can I ay? I’m a revisor.
I’m aware of those girls who gyrate,
Who, for some, may be quite adequate.
Not for me! My desire
Is the girl who’s on fire,
But pretends to be shy and sedate.
You should see my new mistress, (Oh Josh!)
This gal has one certain “panache!”
So my wife just can’t know
I’ve been giving her dough
And insisting I do all the wash.
When you have the “affair of your life”
You don’t want to cause any strife
When you play with “Miss Flirty”
And get down and dirty
Don’t tell her she smells like your wife
NOT A DUPLICATE ( correction lines 2 and 3)
You should see my new mistress, (Oh Josh!)
This gal has a certain panache
So my wife will not know
I’ve been giving her dough
And insisting I do all the wash
To date, or not to date?
That is the question I state.
Whether nobler as single
Than a desperate mingle
And trusting to Tinder, my fate?
“My Dear, you’re really a Tweet”
Stormy Daniels sends to her sweet,
“I’d like a life
As a Trumpian wife
But we both know you’re a big cheat.”
“We never go out on a date
We just fool around, and it’s great!
Don’t be a buttinski
With me and Lewinsky
It’s just an affair of the State.”
Still much better than Trump, though.
Oh Dear! Oh My Dear! Can’t be late!
I’m going to some place real great!
Now here is that hole!
I’m just losing control!
Gotta get to my Wonderland date!
TO EMPHASIZE THE MEANING OF PREVIOUS LIMERICK: (line 5)
Oh Dear! Oh My Dear! Can’t be late!
I’m going to some place real great!
Now here is that hole
I’m just losing control
Gotta get to my “WONDERLAND” date!
I have been, in my time, profligate,
And been thrice reprimanded by Fate.
Twice, for good measure,
To wean me off pleasure,
And once for the good of the state.
My advice to guys: Don’t tempt your fate!
This topic is not for debate.
Unless she is amorous,
Even if she is glamorous,
Keep your grubby palms off of your date.
Here’s a text from tonight’s real nice date
He feels “bad that he’s making me wait”
“Just got shot in the head”
“They all thought I was dead”
EXCUSES! EXCUSES! WE’RE LATE!
Mr. Trump, please remember the date
And the time for your crucial debate!
Now you must look just right
To come off as real bright
Just make sure that your hair is on straight.
It’s nine days since my surgery date
And I thought that by now I’d feel great —
But although I’ve progressed,
I’m still far from my best,
So the lim’ricks will just have to wait.
(Oops, Mad, my finger slipped and there’s an extra “w” in the last line of the above…)
****
Fixed.
AAH MEMORIES!
I was twenty, and John fifty eight
And I knew that our love was just “fate”
Mama said, “Don’t You Dare!”
Oh, her utter despair!
(Put her head in the stove to sedate)
Whenever I have an affair
I know that I must be aware:
Of all “S.T.D’s”
(God Forbid A Disease!)
So I bring my own brief questionnaire
A MORE LOGICAL VERSION
I was twenty, and John fifty eight
And I knew that our love was just fate
Mama said, “Don’t you dare!”
“Have this stupid affair!”
(Put her head in the stove to sedate)
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 304. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Lay.