Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FILE or DEFILE at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FILE or DEFILE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PARENTING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PARENTING-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on June 10, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 9, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
I could break out of jail with a file.
I could talk my way out, using guile.
But I’d rather get loose
Riding out on a moose,
Cuz my motto is “do things in style.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Crime and Punishment, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Prison Humor, Writing Prompts
The NFL owners all smile
And clap, though Trump’s orders are vile:
“Bow and scrape!”
“Kiss the white cape!”
“Serfs, march and salute, single file!”
Parenting’s easy as pie—
At least to the apples of your eye.
Just pay sky-high bills,
Forget former thrills
And dote on your kids till you die.
Trump’s parents, I’m sorry to say,
Abandoned the old-fashioned way.
He sucked on a dummy
Instead of his mummy;
That’s why he’s a dummy today.
A mixture of cunning and guile,
Of anger, of spleen and of bile …
For the nightmare to end,
It may rather depend
On what Mueller has got in his file.
Designs on a fair lady Ann
To spur for a dance of a plan
The bop horizontal
From dusk’n then dawn ’till
She saucily said, “I can can.”
“Take it easy, my sweet darling, Leigh.
I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see.”
“Thanks, the twins just like cheese,
But Gail’s hard to please.”
(To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”)
We’re taking a plane to Madrid
And bringing our new baby “Cyd.”
We’ve packed bottles and diapers,
The car seat and “wipers.”
But we can’t seem to locate the kid.
The people are always complaining.
I feel that this needs some explaining:
When Trump was a child,
His parents “went wild”
And screwed up his whole potty training.
(In recent weeks, I feel I have been neglecting the essence of the limerick – smuttiness.)
The girl was a true spermophile,
And she went at the job with a smile.
Then she swallowed the lot.
Saying “That hit the spot!
Could you manage some more in a while?”
Billy’s toys need a special compartment !
My wife says, “That’s not my department!”
There’s so much baby crap
So after his nap
Let’s get him his own damn apartment !
Sister Jane let us all dress in style
She said, “Goodness will make a girl smile”
But when John ripped my dress
Then made a “weird” mess
My virtue, he thus did defile
My manicures just make me smile
When I leave, I am always in style
But today, it was locked
I was really quite shocked
The note said, “We can’t find defile”
Sarah Huckabee Sanders, with guile,
Said “A President cannot defile
His position by treason,
It just stands to reason …”
Her usual mendacious style.
“Them kneelers insult and defile
Our great nation!” screams Donald with bile.
So the owners have planned
That the players must stand,
Then raise their right arms and shout “Heil!”
She strolled to the back with a file,
Followed by… They were gone quite a while.
He was known as the Paw
In that office of law.
Catty staff noted more than one pile
Of files spread out where carpet showed wear
And at lunch, dust was seen in her hair.
All that morning-time friction
Affected her diction,
But – confident – she didn’t care.
The next week it happened twice more:
Her work suffered. Staff knew the score;
There was muttered conjecture
She’d get a big lecture
Or finally be shown the door.
But the Paw smiled: her hemlines rose higher.
He seemed in no hurry to hire
Another file clerk
Who would actually work.
Each day, new and skimpy attire.
Two months went by. One day, the Claw
(Senior partner and pa to the Paw)
Sighed: Son, though I’m in awe
Your mom’s laid down the law
After, somehow, on YouTube she saw
What looked like your a** on the floor
In the back (no loyal staff anymore!).
So although you admire her,
You’ve just got to fire her…
Staff smirked as she flounced out the door.
But the Paw, up to usual tricks,
Interviewed clerks and made cunning picks
Then chose one to defile.
Rugs replaced the old pile;
They’re in back searching for Dixon Licks.
(Title? Just insert the name of anyone accused of drugging and raping aspiring young actresses.)
“I will teach you to charm and beguile
All those casting directors, with style.
I can help your career
If you swallow this, dear;
The secrets are all in my phial.”
Ben takes no more calls in the can:
Fan too loud, he mistook Pam for Jan.
She then mailed a thick file
Boxed with great care and guile,
Results showing that Pam was no fan
Of being his piece on the side.
Once provoked, Hell hath… (no place to hide).
Cut the string, lift the lid
Was the last thing he did –
BOOM! The cops searched in vain, though they tried
(She’s at large in a small double wide).
In the President’s medical file,
He denies he’s a swamp crocodile.
But his foul, scaly skin
And reptilian grin
Convince me that Trump’s in de Nile.
If Trump Had Interned
On her first day, the main office jerk
Pinched her bottom and leered, You’re a perk
For us. Take those, go file;
Love that cleavage, so smile!
Though well paid, was it worth it to work
At a place where the women were preyed on?
Next day, asked officemate why they stayed on.
Honey, kick ‘im or hit ‘im;
Amy, there, she once bit ‘im!
I’m Accounting: we sure overpay Don…
When his buddies come over from school
Try real hard: please don’t act like a fool
Do not say a thing
God forbid, you should sing
Cause Dad, that just ain’t very cool
All the children in line, single file,
Be patient, this may take a while.
It’s our new protector,
A metal detector,
The new safety, American style.
I’m so worried about my boy, “Cy”
He was such a real talkative guy
Now he plays with that phone
I feel so alone
His three words are just “yes”, “no” and “bye”
Right into you life they do creep
So precious, they just make you weep
But then they will cry
And you wonder just why
It’s always when you’re fast asleep
I know that he needs his “own space”
But this room is just quite a disgrace
There’s so much baby crap
So after his nap
Let’s go find him his own blasted place
I see that you like that boy, “Shorty”
I have to admit he’s real “sporty”
But you’re only sixteen
I don’t want to be mean
So tell him to wait till you’re forty
Written before reading Mad’s sample limerick … Honest.
—–
Raising children is often a trial
Like you’re stuck behind bars for a while
Every birthday you ache
As you search through their cake
For a lock-pick, a key, or a file
A lovely young erectophile
Gave blowjobs in athletic style.
She would stand on her head,
Acrobatically spread,
Humming “Come, Baby, Come” all the while.
“This parenting’s rather complex,”
Said his Mum, “When you find you’ve had sex
With your son. And it’s sad
That he killed his own Dad –
I’m sorry, but Oedipus wrecks.”
Come and see our brand new room for Ned
With beige walls, and carpet in red
The furniture’s pine
(a real cool design)
And his first “Playboy” under the bed
Here’s advice that’s surely fool-proof
(Even though you might think I’m a goof)
When you go out to eat
If you take little Pete
Go and get a nice spot on the roof
Right now, I just have to admit
Very soon, I shall have a big fit
My toddler can walk
And also can talk
But knows only one word, which is “shit”
He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile
Before reaching a small desert isle.
Three huge natives appeared,
And the mariner feared
For his life, till one said with a smile:
“Though we used to be cannibals – vile! –
Human flesh is no longer our style.
So Fee, Fo and Fum
Won’t be eating you, chum …
But I’m sorry to say Grandpa Fi’ll.”
In my closet, I keep a large file
And I peek at it once in a while:
There’s Stanley and Bob
Alexander and Rob:
My divorce contracts, all in one pile
Said my wife, “The kids need an au pair”,
So I hired a young Swede with blonde hair.
She’s no good as a nanny,
But, oh, what a fanny!
And so, when my wife is elsewhere …
One year is way more than a while.
How much more need Mueller compile?
Will we have to wait
till Trump in year eight
before there’s enough in the file?
Parenting – the facts of life
“Tell me, Dad, where do babies come from?”
I explained about storks with aplomb.
He said, “Dad, don’t be silly,
I know it’s a willy
That makes a new baby in Mom.
But sometimes, I happen to see
Mom in bed with a neighbour or three
When you’re out for a spell,
So how can I tell
Which of so many willies made me?”
Her parents were gone for the day,
So Alex came over to play.
But they didn’t know
That Alexa would glow
And record what was coming her way.
Then contacts were found on a list;
She sent them the sounds of their tryst.
Reactions were fast;
The folks were aghast.
If only they’d cuddled and kissed…
The Donald said, “I’m a real hotty”
(Remember that so did John Gotti)
Trump’s therapist said
He wet his old bed
He still will not go on the potty
One year is way more than a while.
How much more need Mueller compile?
Will we have to wait
till Trump in year eight
before there’s enough in the file?
Parenting
Dad insisted, ‘You’ll do as I say!’
I absconded the very next day.
‘Twas many years later
I found out that Pater
Had rigged things to work out that way.
The charges that Mueller could file
Leave Trump without his smug smile,
As those in his ring
Are starting to sing,
And telling the truth‘s not his style.
I’m still nursing my little boy, Lee
Who’s always been real close to me
He enjoys the nice taste
There’s never much waste
And his high school friends all come to see
There’s a document down in my file
Which proves that this low-life, named Kyle
Told all of his friends
I’m “good at both ends”
I sued for “Divulging My Style”
Last night I began to compile
The names of some guys for my file:
The ones who are kinky
And have a big winkie
It’s “work” but is sure worth the while
The teacher said, “Just gently hold’er”
Then let her try crawling, when older
You will get the knack
Of patting her back
Until she throws up on your shoulder
This was actually made in the 1990’s but it did not go over too well
This is really the weirdest new scoop
A diaper that “knows” when there’s poop
You hear a strange ring
I goes “ding” “ding” “ding”
(It’s worthless) Just smell that big droop
A fetishist hacker named Kyle
Fancied footwear no matter the style.
He’d rub and he’d sniff,
Save the flats as a gif
And the heels as a video file.
Cartoons – what the kids always saw;
Them soaps were a favorite of Ma.
Big brother liked sports
And the fishin’ reports;
FOX News wuz the channel fo’ Pa.
I really want ice cream and pickles
That baby inside me just tickles
He’s coming right out !!
I just have to shout !!
God damn it, he looks like Don Rickles
His mode is demean and defile;
To slather opponents with bile.
He speeds our decay;
And will ’till the day
Bob Mueller gives reason to smile.
I know it’s a bit of a cheat, but…
Philanderer Phineas Phial
Was a marathon runner from Lyle.
When this horndog was training,
He was never abstaining:
“Cuz a miss is as good as a mile.”
Each patient had one private file
So the doctors could then all compile
The state of their health
But mostly their wealth
To dupe them (Oh how they’d beguile)
Parenting: Lessons From Nature
Lesson one: Birds and bees: seed is sown;
Lesson two: what to do now they’re grown.
Once you’ve taught them to fly
Wave a grateful, ‘Goodbye!’
And get on living lives of your own.
I know that it’s nice, I suppose
To watch how your child learns and grows
But when they are two
Sometimes you feel blue
‘Cause your life’s all about Cheerios
I know I should just “bite my tongue”
And I’m not one who’s very high-strung
But there’s food in my hair
Thus, I’m fully aware
Why some animals eat all their young
Bad parenting
Mom said,”Don’t sit on any boy’s lap
You see, it is really a trap
You’ll get pregnant, my Dear
For almost one year”
Then I told her she’s real full of crap
I had a amazing I.Q.
My intelligence just grew and grew
But since I had John
The brain cells have gone
My score now is “negative two”
Good advice for parents:
If you want to be totally cool
Here is something you don’t learn in school:
If the binky falls out
There’s no need to shout
Just follow the “ten second rule”
Let’s name our sweet little girl Daisy
Now, listen and don’t think I’m lazy:
One child is enough
It won’t be so rough
(And also we’ll drive “gramma” crazy)
Nature’s Way
Birds and bees: Lesson one: seed is sown.
Lesson two: what to do now they’re grown.
Once you’ve taught them to fly
Wave a grateful, ‘Goodbye!’
Then get on living lives of your own.
The ‘Guilty But Cute’ Defense
“I was guilty! It stood out a mile.
(Add another offense to the file.)
They surveyed the debris –
Then remembered, ‘He’s three.’
So, I twinkled and flashed them the smile.”
Reflect
“Take my arm, Dear, and walk down the aisle.
I agree. Now you’re sober, he’s vile.
You’ve a lifetime to think
On the evils of drink,
And the price that you pay to defile.’
Cougar Alert
“He is saying you used every wile;
That you lured with intent to defile.
He beseeched you, he claims,
‘Please! Abandon your aims!’
But you flatly refused to resile.”
Cougar Alert, Too
“As he tells it, you used every wile;
That you lured with intent to defile.
That you drove him to lust,
Like a creature in musth;
And, once roused, he could brook no denial.”
Tried my house key, my Visa, a file,
But the loo door’s still stuck on a tile.
Called my hubby — *he’s* stuck
In a meeting. Oh f&^%&$^$#k!
Well, I guess I’ll just stick here a while.
After many a difficult phase,
Now they’ve each gone their separate ways,
Finished school, found a spouse,
Kept a job, bought a house —
And I’m Grandma. Yep, parenting pays.
Parenting: Lessons From Nature/ Nature’s Way
Birds and bees: Lesson one: seed is sown.
Lesson two: what to do now they’re grown.
Once you’ve taught them to fly
Wave a grateful, ‘Goodbye!’
Now it’s time to live lives of your own.
We’ve all purchased real nice Christmas trees
Here’s advice, so just listen folks, please
Don’t waste money on toys
For the girls or the boys
Who spend all day jingling your keys
When your doctor says he’ll call at nine
You must make sure everything’s fine
So try to relax
Give your kid junky snacks
Then you won’t hear that on-coming whine
Jim wants you to be in the “now” style
He comes home and then, hands you a file
With pictures he took
How he wants you to look
Shove that box in his face. Then you smile
Her parents were haughty and strict;
Demeaning whomever she picked.
Deciding to roam,
She abruptly left home;
Their will could no longer inflict.
One evening, they turned on their set;
Comeuppance is what they would get.
The daughter they’d lose
Would now get to choose;
For she was the new “Bachelorette”.
If your kids are getting along
And singing a sweet lovely song
Please take my advice
You need to think twice:
There is something exceedingly wrong
It’s great to have warm family ties
But here’s some advice for the wise:
If you have little tots
You might see some spots
And your car will just reek of French fries
Parents Beware:
Be careful when choosing a name
You don’t want to cause your child shame
Is it “Richard” or “Dick”?
Are you really that thick?
Just think, guys, cause you are to blame
Please go potty, my Dear Darling, Sue
I know you can do it. That’s true
I’ll give you spaghetti
So now are you ready?
Hooray! You just did it, WAHOO!
Mad: I have eliminated the word “Thanks” in 6th limerick from the top
so it will have the correct meter: correction:
“Take it easy my sweet darling, Leigh
I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see”
“The twins just like cheese
But Gail’s hard to please”
To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”
Poor Harv’s boss was simply so vile,
He would always address Harv with bile.
“Since I gave you that work,
You’ve done nothing but shirk.”
“That’s not so, Boss! De file! Here’s de file!”
(A note from Melania to Number Four)
Before you two walk down the aisle,
In my shoes you would well walk a mile.
He’s a cheat and a louse
And a horrible spouse.
Have doubts? Check my private eye’s file.
Her lovers names kept in a file
She’d use them to give her a smile.
Alphabetically sorted
These guys who had courted
The best on the top of the pile.
Here’s a way to avoid all that hype
If Grandma Jean knows how to type
And she wants to see Billy
That’s just kind’a silly
Set up that equipment and skype
correction
I really want ice cream and pickles
That baby inside me just tickles
He’s coming right out!
I just have to shout:
My goodness, he looks like Don Rickles
Sperm Bank
My son went and broke my right knee
He did not get his way, so you see
I sneaked in the file
For this father of Kyle
It was someone who’s called “Donald T”
correction: (line five)
Let’s name our sweet little girl Daisy
Now listen and don’t think I’m lazy
One child is enough
It won’t be so rough
(And It’ll just drive “grandma” crazy)
I’ve arranged a real notable file
With moments that just made me smile:
A lovely spring day
(mostly in May)
And when hubby was guilty on trial
correction line five: sperm bank
My son went and broke my right knee
He did not get his way, so you see?
I sneaked in the file
For this father of Kyle
The DONOR was called, “Donald T.”
At a restaurant table we see
Two families, possibly three.
The parents all stare
At their phones; they don’t care.
The kids are like, “Hey look at me!”
Prison visiting
“I’ve brought you some goodies, home-style”,
Said his Ma with a wink and a smile.
So he gobbled the cake,
But felt a tooth break –
She had baked in a huge metal file.
A black parent’s advice to a son:
“Don’t scare white kids — not even in fun;
Don’t pretend you’re on crack;
Never carry a sack;
And don’t dare turn your back on a gun.
Never shove — stand in line, single file;
Don’t let insolence show in your smile;
Study hard; never fail;
Go to Harvard or Yale —
And you’ll stay out of jail… for a while.”
How DARE you Ivanka revile?
Only I have the right to defile
The virtue of cunts
And to name all the runts
Among cocks. (I’ve unparalleled guile.)
Even though my kids don’t start their day
Eating oatmeal and yogurt, I say:
Fuck the rules of nutrition
And the dental technician!
Count Chocula says it’s OK!
Self referential limerick:
There’s a quirk in my limerick style
That’s been irking me now for a while
They all scan pretty well
But they’re blander than hell
So they’re tossed in the circular file
Transformation
When McDaniel fell and cut his chin
He was purged of a cardinal sin;
His passions had run low
Until his blood did flow,
And he now has a genuine grin!
A-parent-ly Not
I just knew from the age of thirteen
That I didn’t want kids, not my scene;
Though my mom is the best
And long since, I’ve confessed
I prefer cats (plus there’s less to clean).
I married a guy – either way,
He was happy to have kids or nay.
We saved money, less worry,
So I’m in no hurry
To tell this gen not to delay.
Yes, I’m glad I was born, that I’m here.
But I’m grateful for choice: not to rear
Young could be my decision.
I view with derision
The Right, and that crocodile tear
They would shed for the babies not born.
We need more, in a world so war-torn
Where food, basics are lacking!
But God knows, we’re packing
Heat. Carry on; warn, feeling worn
(Trump continues to lie, cheat, suborn…).
See my kids, watch ’em play in the dirt:
Little Ricky gives Eddie a squirt
Of wa..pee! in his face.
I trot over and brace
Myself: Ick, what’s that brown on his shirt?
(I play bridge: call a Parent Alert.)
Every mom thinks her girl is so pretty
Even though she just looks really shitty:
Kind of like a big ape
Who just tried to escape
One day she’ll find out. What a pity
Minor edit:
Poor old Harv’s boss was simply so vile.
He would always address Harv with bile.
“Since I gave you that work,
You’ve done nothing but shirk.”
“That’s not so. Boss! De file! Here’s de file!”
bad grammar parenting
I cannot take this crying no more
It just kills me right down to the core
So I got some advice
That sounded real nice:
Leave the house. Take the keys. Lock the door.
car trip from Chicago
In the car, all your babies will chill
Keep driving, try not to stay still
You can get piece of mind
Of a very rare kind
Till you reach all the ports of Brazil
“The First Time”
I have a mysterious file
Names of guys who are really “in style”
I feel that I’m ready
To satisfy Freddie
“What the hell is that stuff? It tastes vile!”
correction
It’s great to have warm family ties
But here are some FACTS for the wise:
If you have little tots
You might see some spots
And your car will just reek of French fries
I thought of a pertinent rhyme
You’ll think it is really sublime
When your kids start to scream
Have a magical dream:
Close your eyes. Travel back into time
My son is a bully named Mitch.
He’s defiant, a sneak and a snitch.
When I ask who’s to blame,
Dad says I was the same.
Isn’t karma an absolute bitch?
Is he missing my cold, icy smile?
I’ve been gone from D.C. for awhile.
I could use some more rest.
And I want to Be Best.
Why of course, for divorce, I must file!
There are somethings you must understand
Not all things in life are just planned
With “spaghetti in hair”
You’ve nary a care
At that moment you know “Ain’t Life Grand?”
Now mom, please don’t have any fears
Just wait until dad disappears
He’s now on the plane
Use your exceptional brain
At the mall, they can now pierce her ears
Let’s look at our “make a wish” file
We’re going to Israel. SMILE !
We’ll have so much fun
In the hot desert sun
For a camel, I’d just walk a mile
It begins with a glance and a smile,
And with a slow dance, they beguile.
As warmth grows in their pants,
They soon take a chance.
(Put this under “Romance” in your file.)
correction
There are some things you must understand
Not all things in life are just planned
With “spaghetti in hair”
You have nary a care
At that moment, you think, “Ain’t Life Grand?”
A two-fer
One night in a frenzy of screamin’,
Rosemary conceived with a demon.
His devilish guile
Her womb did defile.
Now she’s raising a kid known for schemin’.
second correction
Right into your NICE life they do creep
So precious, they just make you weep
But then they will cry
And you wonder just why
It’s always when you’re fast asleep
better meter
There’s a document down in my file
Which proves that a low-life named Kyle
Told all of his friends
That I’m “good at both ends”
I then sued for “Divulging My Style”
I write limericks once in a while;
Do my best to elicit a smile.
Wrote my best one last night,
But a mischievous sprite
Hacked my drive and deleted the file.
Note: Some readers may well have a problem with L4 — because there’s a
common mispronunciation of the word “mischievous”. There’s no “i” between the “v” and the “o”. The word is “MIS-chih-vis”, NOT “mis-CHEE-
vee-uhs.” I actually tried to find an alternate word to prevent this issue —
but couldn’t come up with one…
(Some dictionaries, such as merriam-webster.com/dictionary/mischievous, elaborate on this issue…) I don’t mean to pontificate — I simply don’t want to lose points because a reader says “…but L4 doesn’t scan properly.”
not a duplicate
Now mom, please don’t have any fears
Just wait until dad disappears
He’s now on the plane
Use your fabulous brain
At the mall, they can now pierce her ears
A couple decided to file
For divorce in a very short while
After tying the knot;
It seems that she caught
Him texting an ex from the aisle.
With little ones out of the way,
The parents decided to play.
They later found out
That the kids were about;
And Snapchat can ruin your day.
Hi Bob!
Mischievous is undoubtedly the best word, but if you are seeking alternatives you might wish to consider the following: vexatious: malevolent (my fav’): troublesome: venomous: vindictive. They all scan and are offered in a spirit of empathy. TH
Parents: We’ve all been there
You know that your child is real clever
It’s time for your latest endeavor:
A board game for two
Called, “Fun At The Zoo”
Who knew it would go on forever?
Parents: remember that first birthday?
Happy birthday, to John, your first child
(Don’t you love that first day when he smiled?)
Now let’s all sing along
To that old famous song
You’ll just scare him to death. He’ll go wild
I bought an expensive new file
To list names of guys who have “style”
I haven’t much luck
In the art of the f**k
But mom said, “It just takes a while”
meter correction
Jim says that you “must be in style”
He comes home and then hands you a file
With pictures he took
How he “wants you to look”
Shove that box in his face, and just smile
If Mueller decided to file
New charges for all of Trump’s bile,
When placed end-to-end
The briefs would extend
A distance well over a mile.
wise parent
My computer’s messed up, I’m afraid
Looks like all of my files are delayed
There’s just one thing to do
When in this kind of stew:
Wait till Billy gets home from first grade
I’ve read all of the books that propose
“Keep an eye on your child as he grows”
But I have to insist
There is one thing they missed:
Getting tuna fish out of the nose
The Fifties had “Father Knows Best”;
Ben Cartwright the dad way out West;
But then, a big change;
A. Bunker was strange,
H. Simpson is doing the rest.
Our thirty year old son Jerome
Still lives with us here at our home
We’ve changed all the locks
And set up some blocks
Adios. Au revior. and Shalom
At dinner, a teen asked his dad
“So how many girls have you had?”
“Umm… six.” the reply;
And then laughingly “Why?”
“Mom guessed not enough” said the lad.
He got thrown into jail for a while
When they caught him at something quite vile.
In a library nook
He made love to a book.
You could say he’s a bibliophile.
Parenting: A Lesson From Nature
Lesson One: Birds and Bees: seed is sown.
Lesson two: Begin training: they’re grown.
Once they’ve learned how to fly,
Wave a heartfelt, “Goodbye!”
Lesson three: Take up lives of your own.
My toddler’s extremely cute
And we’ve never had any dispute
But she talks a blue streak
So for only one week
I’d love a control that says, “mute”
I’m not a real bothersome type
As a mom, you will not hear me gripe
But sometimes I pray
That for only one day
I don’t want any damn thing to “wipe”
Being “mommy” is not such a trap
Here’s one thing you can do in a snap:
Go into the loo
(So as not to feel blue)
Close the door. Take a ten minute nap.
You are ONE today, sweet darling, Seth
We recall when you took your first breath
Let’s all sing along
To that great birthday song
(Be prepared; it will scare him to death)
not a duplicate
If your kids are JUST getting along
And singing a sweet lovely song
Please take my advice
You need to think twice
There is something exceedingly wrong
One too many attempts at assault
And I swore I would make the boss halt.
I flashed him a grin
And he followed me in —
Then slipped out, left him locked in the vault.
“Sorry, Boss,” I called out with a smile;
“The door’s locked; I’ll be gone for a while —
I have two weeks’ vacation —
The what? Combination?
It must be here somewhere on file…”
What! Arrange my papers in a file?
I’d rather relax and wait a while,
To receive the next letter,
A bunch would be even better,
Sweet procrastination, that’s my style!
Parenting
If your CHILDREN are getting along
And singing a sweet lovely song
Just take my advice
Please STOP and think twice:
There is something exceedingly wrong
With eight kids, you have lost all your fears
The uncertainty just disappears
It’s now all “down pat”
No question ’bout that
You have not slept in seven damn years
What is discipline really about?
Long ago, we were spanked, then we’d shout
But now things have changed
And so rearranged
That for murder, your kid gets “time out”
I tried not to make a mistake
And do all the right things for you, Jake
But it’s been fifty years
So perk up your ears
Mister Rogers was really a FLAKE
It’s time for some organized “meets”
How about Little League, nothing beats
Just watching you son
Score that great big home run
But what sucks is to squeeze on them cleats
Deciding it’s time for “the talk”,
He took his son out for a walk.
Instruction was short;
Since the kid could report
On websites they might want to block.
My friend, here’s a vital alert
For your first diaper change on sweet Bert:
Just cover him quick
It’s a real easy trick
Or else you’ll get slapped with a squirt
An archaeologist discovered a file
Depicting a barge on the Nile
Cleopatra’s it was
Creating a buzz:
Nude selfie, with rampant crocodile
You know all is well and so fine
As a matter of fact, just divine
The kids are real quiet
You cannot deny it
From a distance, you then hear, “IT’S MINE!”
Walked a camel for more than a mile,
To buy smokes for the Queen of the Nile,
So that haughty Egyptian
Won’t have a conniption,
While giving her toenails a file.
When they find a new boy to defile,
Papal priests will line up for a mile;
The occasional deacon
Is likely to sneak in
And leave with a devious smile.
If your love life’s been dead for a while,
You should look for a corpse to defile:
The first time you get off on
A babe in a coffin
You’ll find she’s not hard to beguile.
As a father, he isn’t so great.
His own daughter, he deigned once to rate.
Donald said of his lass,
“She’s a nice piece of ass!
Were I younger, we’d probably date.”
Donald Jr.’s a chip off the block.
His divorce didn’t come as a shock.
“Why not cheat like my Dad?
I know I won’t be sad,
’cause my next wives are certain to rock.”
Poor Eric’s not brilliant, it’s true:
his deep thoughts, far between, and quite few.
While his musings are lame,
he’s not really to blame,
he inherited Donald’s IQ.
Four Outta Five Lines Ain’t Bad ~
I write my limericks in style.
They’re all in my database file.
Over a thousan’
Some wise, some arousin’
Though some are a mess and don’t rhyme.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 299. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Weak.