Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CAN at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CAN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GIFT-GIVING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GIFT-GIVING related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 27, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 26, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
People often mix “can” up with “may,”
Never knowing which one they should say.
“Yes, you may?” “Yes, you can?”
Why not can it and ban
Their distinctions? The sticklers say “Nay!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Grammar Humor, Grammar Limerick, Language Humor, Language Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
None for Mr. Pennypacker ~
It was late. It was dark. She looked miffed,
So I asked if she wanted a lift,
But when she got inside—
My proposal denied—
She said she can’t survive on my thrift.
My DARLing and SWEET grandson, PAUL
Had a GIFT for just ME that “beats ALL”
It’s a WATCH that’s so GRAND
With a REAL special BAND
That aLERTS the poLICE when I FALL
“A solid gold toilet”, Trump stated,
“Transforms all the crap I’ve vacated.
Though I’m just a con-man,
When the shit hits the can,
Believe me, my poop is gold-plated.”
My BIRTHday’s the SECond of JUNE
I’ll be GETting some PREsents real SOON
Last YEAR “Hubby” PAT
Gave me ONE “far-out” HAT
Which inCLUded a REAL live racCOON
In 1994, this actually happened, only I have changed the names
I GOT some perFUME for MaRIE
Who then HANded it OVer to BEE
Bee GAVE it to JO
Who said, “HERE’S a gift, FLO”
Two weeks LATer, it CAME back to ME
“Remember who said ‘Yes we can’?”
Said the Donald. “Well, I gotta plan
To destroy every act,
Every treaty or pact
That the Kenyan impostor began!”
On a cold, winter’s day it began,
Just a walk down the street was her plan.
Thought the weather was nice,
Didn’t see the black ice,
She landed smack down on her can.
With his rallying cry, “Yes we can!”,
Obama foresaw a great plan,
But Trump vows to deface
His legacy, erase;
Thus America’s destruction began.
No matter what I write, Brian’s is better,
But still I try- you know I’m a go-getter!
He has a great gift,
I got the short rift.
Indeed, he’s the Limerick-Off pacesetter.
I’m SHY, but I STILL think I CAN
Have a TRYST with “mysTERious” DAN
He TOUCHED me then LEFT
I FELT so berEFT
Maybe I just forGOT to use “BAN”
Jane GIVES me that SAME purple SWEATer
Each CHRISTmas, (she DOESn’t know BETTer)
She ALways buys WOOL
Her CLOSet’s real FULL
The SHEEP are now TRYing to GET’er
It’s a WASTE to just SIT on the CAN
When my BREAKfast did NOT include BRAN
And WHEN I forGET
I’m REALly upSET
I MUST make a MORE useful PLAN
I SAT on the BUS station CAN
On the WALL it just SAID to call” FRAN”
I WROTE down her CELL
She SOUNded real SWELL
But was BUILT like a CATamarAN
I’m afraid there’s no way to finesse
This: To Gwen, I re-gifted a dress.
Then remembered: T’was she
Who first gave it to me!
So I guess I’ve no choice; I’ll confess.
You’ve eaten way, way too much bran.
Run as fast as you can, to the can!
The gas that is passing
From your ass is surpassing
My stench threshold. Flip on that fan!
Hating Presudent Trump is in
The press gives him a bad spin
Every move that he makes is a sin
But just watch that man
He’ll trump KIm Jung Un cause he can
To COOK a great MEAL for your MAN
Keep in MIND, that you NEED a great PLAN
For creAtive cuiSINE
Here’s a SPLENdid rouTINE:
“When YOU have the TIME, Open a CAN”
I GUT a nise PREsent last JUly
A REEly nise GIFT frum my” GUY”
A T-schirt in RED
Which in BIG letterz SAID:
“Bad SPELLers Right NOW: Please UnTIE”
When his search for VP first began,
Trump desired an affirmative man.
So when asked if he’d mind
kissing lots of behind,
“Not at all” Pence replied, “I sure can!”
I’ll TELL you aBOUT my niece JILL
Who BOUGHT me a GIFT at “GoodWILL”
She’s NOW even WORSE
And CLEARly perVERSE
Last FRIday she SENT me the BILL
In PARis, there ONCE was a MAN
Who was CRUDE when it CAME to DiANE
His GROSS way to FLIRT
Was to PICK up her SKIRT
Which STARted the RAGE called “Can CAN”
Brian’s poems are far too sublime.
But perhaps he’ll have mercy next time.
As a gift to us all,
he could just take the fall,
and compose an inferior rhyme.
correction
I GUT a nise GIFT in JuLY
A REALly cool TOP frum my “GUY”
It’s a T-shert in RED
Which in BIG letterz SAID:
“Bad SPELLers, Right NOW Please UnTIE”
In British Columbia, Can.
The rights thought to be every man’s
Are questioned quite rightly
Both daily and nightly
By the country’s original clans.
I BOUGHT a real NICE gift for SUE
She’s BEEN my best FRIEND” through and THROUGH”
When she SAID ,” It’s the THOUGHT”
I was SORry I BOUGHT
Her one SHOE lace, I SHOULD have got TWO
Hubby CLAIMED “I just KNOW that I CAN”
I rePLIED, “You are SUCH an old MAN”
“But let’s GIVE it a TRY
I’m FEELing real HIGH”
(It’s been ONly a THIR ty year SPAN)
My father gave me a nice gift
It gave my young heart quite a lift.
When my brother found out
It sure made him pout
And caused a decades-long rift.
A word to the wise from my Gran:
“Now, why does a cat need a man —
Or a woman? Because
They’ve no thumbs on their paws,
They need humans to open a can!”
Sometimes gifts don’t result from affection;
Sometimes motives do not pass inspection —
And the proof can be seen
Back in 2016,
When the Russians gave Trump the election.
A friend of mine worked in a can-
-nery somewhere way up there in Can-
-ada – then took a chance
went to France, learned to dance –
So now she can can, or Can-can.
My FRIEND has been UNder much STRESS
So I BOUGHT her a LOVEly blue DRESS
A CHRIStian DiOR
You CAN’t ask for MORE
Here she IS !! in a BLUE, can you GUESS?
In the FIFties, we HAD a great PLAN
On a VEry hot DAY, we beGAN
To HIDE and then RUN
Oh BOY, it was FUN
We’ll NEver forGET: “KICKing the CAN”
An amorous couple began
Canoodling back in the can.
Six miles up above,
Making passionate love;
A door lock was part of the plan.
But turbulence had its own way;
An air pocket ruined their play.
As they both tumbled out,
The fellow would shout:
“We’re flying United, OK?”
correction of meter
I BOUGHT a real NICE gift for SUE
She’s BEEN my best FRIEND, “through and THROUGH”
When she SAID, “It’s the THOUGHT”
I was SORry I BOUGHT
One SHOE lace, I SHOULD have bought TWO
I KNOW that my NIECE underSTANDS
That I CAN’T always BUY the best BRANDS
Even THOUGH I’m in DEBT
She STILL got upSET
When I GAVE her a CLOCK with no HANDS
correction of meter and using the wrong word:
In the FIFties we HAD a great PLAN
On a VEry hot DAY we beGAN
To HIDE and then RUN
Oh BOY, it was FUN
We’ll NEver forGET “Kick the CAN”
“HAVE” correction
To COOK a great MEAL for a MAN
Keep in MIND that you NEED a great PLAN
For creAtive cuiSINE
Here’s a SPLENdid rouTINE:
When you HAVE the time, Open a CAN
That new GUY is a GOOD-lookin’ MAN
And WOW, what a BEAUtiful TAN
Even THOUGH I am SHY
I’ll GIVE this a TRY:
“Could YOU help me Open this CAN?”
In PARis, there ONCE was a MAN
Who was CRUDE when it CAME to DiANE
His GROSS way to FLIRT
Was to PICK up her SKIRT
And THUS was the START of the CAN Can
this was a correction
In her youth, my adventurous aunt
Joined the Folies Bergère. She’d enchant
As she danced, with élan,
A high-kicking can-can,
But now, poor old thing, she just can’t.
The horse was enormous, of teak;
The Trojans admired its physique.
Said Hector,”It’s nice,
But how much is the price?”
“None at all, it’s a gift”, said the Greek.
“More blessed to give than receive?”
Said the Donald. “That’s bullshit, believe
Me … unless it’s a whore
That you’re paying to score –
Just give her a good one, then leave.”
The frightening rumours are rife;
He wants to be POTUS for life.
“Well, dear, if you can,
For life’s a good plan –
A short one, I hope”, said his wife.
Double-header time — first gift-giving, and then “can” — based on a true story (the names have been changed, and he wasn’t QUITE 80, but I needed it for the meter):
My 80-year-old Grandpa Solly
Had a sexy young neighbor named Polly.
On his birthday, she said,
“If you come to my bed,
I’ll give you good times with my dolly.”
He being a family man,
He first asked his wife, Grandma Fran.
With a smile sweet and wide,
She most sagely replied,
“Of course, dear. You may… if you can.”
Need a GIFT? Go to “BOUtiques GaLORE”
They have Items you’ve NOT seen beFORE
When you SPOT the high PRICE
You’ll TURN cold as ICE
Then go QUICKly to “LA Dollar STORE”
Having TROUble in FINDing a MAN?
Read,”Miss SEXy” and SHE’ll say you CAN !!
Find SOMEone who’s CUTE
Wear your SLEEK “birthday SUIT”
Then get WRAPPED in real CLINGy”SaRAN”
I’m HOUSE-bound but STILL think I CAN
Get a LOVEly and BEAUtiful TAN
So I TOOK some hot TEA
Poured it ALL over ME
(I’m in “BURN-Unit” WITH my nurse FRAN)
Mama SAID, “Cut that OUT with “your DAN”
Or I’ll GIVE you a KICK in the CAN”
There’s a WILL and a WAY
And to THIS very DAY
She did NOT see that COOL black SeDAN
NOT BOUGHT BUT “GOT”
I GOT a real NICE gift for SUE
She’s BEEN my best FRIEND, through and THROUGH
When she SAID, “It’s the THOUGHT”
I was SORry I BOUGHT
One SHOE lace, I SHOULD have got TWO
In Russia, it seems that the man
Is often confused with the can,
So the Donald was peed on;
Some say he agreed on
This urinological plan.
[Alternative version]
In Russia, it seems that the man
Is often confused with the can,
But the Donald said “Hell,
Being peed on is swell –
Yellow hair was all part of my plan.”
I don’t know by what fiend you were driven
To give me the gift that keeps givin’ —
But that bitch, in the year
And two months she’s been here,
Has had twenty-eight puppies, all livin’.
Sharon –
That’s strange … my Mama was called Polly,
And she frequently spoke of ‘old Solly’.
When I asked her, “Hey, Mom –
Where do babies come from?”
She replied, “From a neighbourly folly.”
I will TRY just as HARD as I CAN
To get NEAR that exCITing cool MAN
Bruce SPRINGsteen’s the BEST
Better THAN all the REST
“Watch OUT !!Think you’re HIS only FAN?”
That tough cop known as “The Man”
Told the punks he’d throw them in the can
They thought he meant jail
Not the gross garbage pail
But that was the crazy cop’s plan.
that didn’t work out: try again:
I will TRY just as HARD as I CAN
To get NEAR that exCITing cool MAN
Bruce SPRINGsteen’s the BEST
Better THAN all the REST
“Hey, GIRL, he’s got MORE than one FAN”
I will TRY just as HARD as I CAN
To get NEAR that exCITing cool MAN
Bruce SPRINGsteen’s the BEST
Better THAN all the REST
“Watch OUT, he’s got MORE than one FAN”
used “Watch OUT”
The horse was enormous, of teak;
The Trojans admired its physique.
Said Hector,”It’s nice,
But how much is the price?”
“None at all, it’s a gift”, said the Greek.
Bob SAID that my ROAST beef was CRUMmy
Like a BABy, he THEN told his “MUMmy”
So she WENT to the “NOOK”
And BOUGHT me this BOOK:
“My DAUGter-in LAW is a DUMmy”
I don’t mind being put in a can
And then made to lie still for the scan –
But what’s really not fair?
There’s no CAT anywhere!
That doc lied to me! Just like a man!
D.C. scandals will always arise,
Filled with sex and polluted with lies.
The wife does what she can,
To hold on to her man.
But the call-girl calls and off he flys.
——————————————–
Crony Congress so old and so gray,
So much money “the people” must pay,
We must do what we can,
To change terms to short span,
Or like pimples, they won’t go away.
new stress word
I will TRY just as HARD as I CAN
To get NEAR that exCITing cool MAN
Bruce SPRINGsteen’s the BEST
ForGET all the REST
“Watch OUT, he’s got MORE than one FAN”
The DAY I forGOT to eat BRAN
I had NO need to GET to the CAN
But I KEPT going “TOOT”
It WASN’t real CUTE
My own DOG had to SLEEP near the FAN
The DONald’s not ONE of our WINNers
Some THINK he is QUITE like those SINners
So I WENT to the “NOOK”
And BOUGHT him a BOOK:
“How NOT To Tell LIES For BeGINners”
He MIGHT always SAY that he CAN
But I KNOW something TRUE about STAN
In BED he will “BLUSH”
But I”LL never RUSH
Cause I KNOW he’s all READy beGAN
I KNOW what has HAPpend to GAIL
Her HEARing is STARTing to FAIL
So I WENT to the “NOOK”
And BOUGHT her a BOOK
Making SURE that it ALL was in BRAILLE
I’ve been TOLD that I’m NOT really SWIFT
Cause I CAN’T buy a SUITable GIFT
For DAD I bought BOOZE
And NICE Platform SHOES
I just WANted to GIVE him a LIFT
On THANKSgiving GO to JaPAN
An iDEA that is GREAT and sure CAN
Work JUST like a CHARM
It will DO you no HARM
Why COOK for that UNgrateful CLAN?
A lady of wealth, Maryanne
Asked the teller – a handsome young man:
“I’m horny today;
Would you come out to play?
I’ll check with the bank, if you can.”
Hi Mad, it’s amazing what you can do in May.
Love your piece! Here’s mine :
SHE VOLLEYS
She volleys the puck like a man
return it to her if you can
Don’t use an ice pick
with your hockey stick
If you are a true Penguins fan
My extremely staid mom named Jo-Anne
Said, “Please don’t use words such as “can”
Then my friends made a mess
And she had to express:
“What went on? Did the “fit hit the shan?”
Said the Donald “Oh, where is the man
Who can build me the wall that I plan
To keep out all them lice,
And with caverns for ICE?”
Said Coleridge, “I think Kubla can.“
Hey, Jared! Where is that man?
Mid-East flames starting to fan.
Peace? He will do it
If he’d just get to it.
If he can’t help, nobody can!
“My First Limerick” (I had it bronzed)
This is really the way it began
I was sitting right there on the can
I thought of a rhyme
For the very first time
And thought Wow! what a super-cool plan
One thing I have never concluded
To this day, it hasn’t “computed”
I was given some batteries
(With no special flatteries)
The card just read, “Gift Not Included”
correction excluding the word “ungrateful”
On Thanksgiving, go to Japan
An idea that is great and sure can
Work just like a charm
It will do you no harm
Why cook for that real grubby clan?
Her husband gave beautiful things;
Like necklaces, bracelets and rings.
She found out he had,
As a two-timing cad,
Leftovers from previous flings.
I met a real handsome guy, Dan
We made love in his brand-new Sedan
Now take a good look
At my baby girl “Brooke”
(Mama said, “Do the best that you can)
A homely old dullard named Danny
Thought to spice up the look of his fanny.
He sat on a fan,
Thus dissecting one can,
And declared his new profile uncanny.
“THE GIFT OF ITCH FOR A SON OF A B_ _ _ _ ” ( lol )
He cheated on his girlfriend, named Babs.
To her circle of friends, Babs then blabs:
“Well, I gave him a gift,
THAT….will teach him to drift!!”
I arranged that he got back his CRABS!!
My cat’s an incurable giver,
Though her presents do cause me to shiver:
She’ll bring into the house
A dead lizard or mouse
Or what once was a bird’s heart or liver.
If she hasn’t been hunting that day,
She will give me a hairball (oy vey!).
It’s all part of her plan:
She just does what she can
To make sure I don’t give her away.
There’s a girl at my job who’s named Jill
So cheap, that she makes us real ill
For “Guess Who’s Your Santa”
She gave me Mylanta
In that case, it sure “fit the bill”
Don’t put Christmas gifts under the tree
Your dog will then go have a “spree”
That lovable hound
May eat something he’s found
And in some cases, might even pee
Poor John Gotti was put in the can
Tried to get away, so then he ran
At quite a fast pace
But did not win the race
(Couldn’t hire his loyal hit man)
This is really not such a great gift
But I had to rely on “The Thrift”
I recalled that foul smell
It looked mighty swell
It’s a rag that your dog once had sniffed
For his message, Obama’s big plan
was to dole out the words “Yes we can.”
Trump, in much bigger font,
wrote “I do what I want!”
and still far too many cry “When?”
He swore, “I’ll give you everything, Thea” —
But what did he give? Mamma Mia!
First, children, of course —
Then (before the divorce)
Both bankruptcy and gonorrhea.
He looked rich, he walked tall, he talked swell,
And he turned women’s heads — but the smell
That he left in the can
Was sufficient to ban
Him forever from every hotel.
I tried Mad’s mad lim to the plan,
But its terrible meter won’t scan.
The result? Not a splash;
It’s closer to trash,
So it’s where it belongs — in the can.
It’s hot here, but maybe I can
Think of some way to get a great plan
There’s a terrible fire
Thus, my skill will require
Jumping into a big frying pan
get it?
“I give you permission, You may.
So, do not demur, or delay.
Are you able? You can?
Oh, that’s splendid! Good man!
Well, do carry on then. Good day!”
I just re-read the limerick I wrote a few hours back and realized that it sounds like I’m criticizing Mad’s “own” limerick — which it wasn’t. It was supposed to be criticizing the imaginary limerick that -I- wrote. So I’ve re-written it to a bit clearer. Sorry for any confusion.
I wrote a mad lim to Mad’s plan,
But its terrible meter won’t scan.
The result? Not a splash;
It’s closer to trash,
So it’s where it belongs — in the can.
When she does the can-can, you can
See exactly where (blank) meets that tan.
As long legs kicked higher,
His groin was on fire –
Eyes met, he waved cash: happy man…
His mentor urged, Do all you can
To get into office, young man!
You’re rich, avid, cunning,
No ethics (hey, funning):
All good! Donald listened, and ran.
Roy helped teach me all that I know:
My fame multiplied (that means grow,
To you peons). I’m rich,
A real son-of-a-bitch
With true power! Because I said so.
If we could get into his mind,
I think we’d be staggered to find
Thoughts of chicks with huge tits
On large beds at the Ritz.
That’s our Prez! A real fun-loving kind.
The hapless director was wishin’
His team could take off and go fishin’.
That night in the can,
He fell in: down a man!
They forecast no-go for the mission.
He’s old enough now so I can
Give Billy my Chevy Sedan
He’ll drive it one mile
Each night, but with “style”
Just to get to the park with Diane
The card said to bring a “gag gift”
So I tried my best luck at “The Thrift”
I arrived with a rag
And dressed up in drag
I wonder why he was so miffed
not a real great gift
I met a cute guy who’s named Frank
The problem was he always stank
So I bought him some soap
(the kind “on a rope”)
The funeral’s at ten in Urbank
fruit of the month club: another bad gift
Please stop sending me so much damn fruit
All day, and all night I go “toot”
My wife packed and left
I’m just so bereft
And what’s worse, is I ain’t got no loot
It’s the thought that counts
I said to my dearest niece, Jenny
“So what, if I gave you a penny?
I can’t afford more
So stop being sore
Or next year you just won’t get any”
It’s not really that bad, I suppose
They put me in gross orange clothes
So I’m here in the can
With “room mate” Diane
That damn guard stole my new panty hose
My wife had me put in the can
I still loved her, so I had a plan:
That I couldn’t resist
A conjugal “tryst”
With that really hot guard, Marianne
Some find him a dirty old man.
With a girl half his age, here’s his plan:
If she rides him all night,
And you know she just might;
Since he’s gotten these pills … Yes he can!
Birds of Different Feathers ~
I believe that a toucan can can-can
More enticingly than any man can
(Of course, that’s just my view)
And I don’t think it’s true
That the geisha’s who dance in Japan can.
Last Friday, we gals caught Miss Fran
Drinking wine with a cute married man
Barb said, “What a bitch
Let’s both go and snitch”
I then gave her some worms in a can
At the Renaissance Fair in Urban
The “court jester” was played by Diane
She told all the folks
Some real silly jokes
And had more fun than any fool can
wedding:”cash gifts only”
When the card says to “give only cash”
I think that is rather quite brash
So hand them some dough
Say, “Knead really slow”
Then go throw that invite in the trash
There’s a fire at a circus. A man
Sees the flames and devises a plan.
The heat is in tents,
The pressure immense.
He is doing asbestos he can.
It’s close to that seven day span
Gee! what else could one think of for “can?”
I sit here and sweat
So “Dahling” please get
Me a state of the art “power fan”
I bought a nice gift for Dumb Fred:
A diagram easily read:
“A goes into B”
“B goes into “C”
Now he knows what to do when in bed
I built Drea, my droid, with a bust
Made from milk jugs, quite large and out-thrust.
Her butt’s small, smooth and tan
(It’s an old root beer can).
Now my toaster is burning with lust.
Wizened roué, Carbunculous Gran,
Is the archetype ‘Dirty Old Man’.
In his mackintosh coat,
This lascivious goat,
Is still eager to prove that he can.
Mike said that he a had a great plan:
“Let’s go and make out in my van”
But it wasn’t so dreamy
When the windows got steamy
And a cop shined a light on his can
Uncle Lenny’s so cheap that I fear
His “frugality’s” getting severe
When I turned twenty one
That son of a gun
Gave a Q-Tip to clean just one ear
Uncle Jordan buys gifts, (well he tries)
But this one just took the first prize
I asked, “What is this?”
He replied, “My dear Chris
It’s “fake” honey, to keep away flies”
When I saw that real hunk (who’s named Dan)
That same day, we made love in his van
We had such affection
With little protection
(Our “moment of catch-as-catch-can”)
And here’s my second ‘Dirty Old Man’ limerick of the week. Do we detect a trend here?
While getting her bare it-all-tan,
She noticed a dirty old man.
“Please join me,” said she.
“I’d love to,” said he,
“Yes I’ll come just as soon as I can.”
Tall young Dan had fine clothes and a tan;
Scruffy Stan had a wife and a van.
When Dan kidnaped Stan’s wife,
Stan gave chase with a knife…
Stan’s divorced, and they’re both in the can.
A gift that went right in the trash
My very conceited niece, Jane
Is the girl who we all call “Miss Pain”
Last Christmas I got
A ridiculous shot
Which read “Here is a pic of my brain”
A fine gourmet meal was her plan
To charm and seduce her new man,
But the girl was so hot
That he said, “Tell you what –
Let’s just screw, and then open a can.”
On the Pope they imposed a new ban:
Can’t use washing machines; that’s the plan.
To get his clothes clean,
Can’t use a machine.
If he uses a vat he can.
CORRECTION: a gift that goes right in the trash
Here’a a story about my niece Jane
Who’s conceited and really a pain
She thinks she’s real hot
And sent me a shot
Titled “Here is a pic of my BRAIN”
I only want gifts that are money
Hand over that green stuff, please Honey
I’m done doin’ tricks
And I need a good fix
Stop laughing, cause it ain’t real funny
stressed syllable correction
I only want gifts that are money
Hand over that green stuff, please, Honey
I’m done doin’ tricks
And I need a good fix
Stop laughing (it just ain’t real funny)
third try (use of the word “turnin”)
I only want gifts that are money
Hand over that green stuff, please Honey
I’m done turnin’ tricks
And I need a good fix
Stop laughing (it just ain’t real funny)
When I spoke, then the shit hit the fan
I can’t help it; I’m only a man
It’s for this I took flack
“It’s a shame she comes back
For she has a magnificent can.”
I took out my girl for a screw
And then I announced we were through
As we sipped from our Slurpees
She said “I have herpes;
This gift I have given to you.”
My mother-in-law is pathetic
And she happens to be diabetic
I brought her some brandy
With nice chocolate candy
Which caused her to get quite frenetic
When you get to age fifty, you can
Feel hot and then cool down again
This cycle won’t stop
Till you just want to plop
So go buy a really good fan
A Berliner whose marital bed
Had grown cold took a mistress instead.
His Frau was quite miffed.
So she gave him a Gift,
Which is German for “poison.” He’s dead.
My lovable kitty, Diane
Isn’t leaping the way that she can
I don’t know what’s wrong
Where’s her “mee-ow-ing” song?
Tomorrow she’ll get her cat scan
When thinking you can’t but you can,
Just try with this one simple plan.
Put the usual dont’s
In a box with your wont’s,
Then begin like before they began.
Oh Boy, how I hope you succeed
Please get me a gift that I need
To brighten my day
In that real special way
Which does the trick like some good weed
Mom was wise and remarkably bold
I will never forget what she told
me: “Find a rich man
As fast as you can
And make sure he is ninety years old”
It seems to be part of his plan:
“Let’s get the most horrible man
To fill out my crew;
And the rest of them too.
They’re boltin’ as fast as they can.”
There was an old man of Oban
Who played tunes on a watering can.
Though devoted to jazz,
Which he played with pizzazz,
He was also a fan of Chopin.
At the oculist back in July
I met my real stupid friend, “Di”
Then she came to my place
And said, “Here’s a gift, Grace:
It’s mascara to match your pink eye”
My “shoplifting” friend Mary Anne
Got caught and was put in the can
Then she said “My dear Faye
Come over this way
Would you like it in red, blue or tan?”
In order to patch up their rift,
He opted to buy her a gift.
His choice was a wig
Three sizes too big;
Reaction was angry and swift.
Of the deal that we signed with Iran,
Our President said, “Yes, we can.”
And at first, yes we did,
But alas, we’ve now slid,
So we don’t, ‘cause we’re now Trumpistan.
In politics, wouldn’t you know,
That when given a quid, there’s a quo.
So when you get a gift,
You had better be swift
To respond with whatever you owe.
My first try at an acrostic:
The Donald said, “I have a plan.
Regarding the phrase, ‘Yes, you can.’
Undoing Obama
Makes for unending drama,
Proves to the whole world who’s The Man.”
My cooking’s the best—I’m the man—
If you like all your meals from a can.
I can make stuff from scratch,
But it varies by batch;
You might say it’s a flash in the pan.
A part of me thinks that I shouldn’t
Another’s convinced that I wouldn’t.
But why not? I’m a MAN;
I’m allowed if I can!
At which point I discovered I couldn’t.
D and D
A part of me says that I wouldn’t
Another’s convinced that I couldn’t.
But why not? I’m a MAN;
I’m allowed if I can!
The judge took the view that I shouldn’t.
Movie watcher, a fellow named Dan,
Views Bruce Willis films all he can.
“You adore Bruce, but why?”
I once asked. His reply:
“‘Cause you see I’m a Die Hard fan.”
At Christmas, the gifts are real nice
It’s the “thought” and never the price
My boy said, “Here, dad
I hope you’ll be glad”
(Now a have a crate full of Old Spice)
My neighbor downstairs — a real smarty —
Brought a parrot (his gift) to my party.
It pooped on my dress,
Called my father “a mess,”
And proclaimed that my mother was “tarty.”
Let me tell you, I really was pissed!
Though (thank goodness) I hadn’t been kissed
By that creepy old dude,
I was thoroughly screwed,
And I “gave” him a punch with my fist.
And my third ‘Dirty Old Man’ limerick for this contest follows:
A stripper came up with this plan.
She’d offered a ‘Dance’ to a man.
He replied, “Sure you’re nice,
But I’ll pay twice your price
If my dear, you can dance the Can-can!”
I went to Paree with “my Dan”
We rented a nice blue sedan
But he drove on the right
Then went through a red light
Now we’re stuck in “Ooh La La Can”
correction: forgot the word “both” in line 5
I went to “Paree” with “my Dan”
We rented a nice blue sedan
But he drove on the right
Then went through a red light
Now we’re both stuck in “Ooh La La Can”
My gift shopping’s just about done
And I have to admit it was fun
Yet I still couldn’t find
A real special kind
Of a better darn wife for my son
(not a duplicate)
A combo for this contest:
For most women there’s no need to plan,
When getting a GIFT for your man.
So have you no fear,
Just buy him some beer!
Then watch him drink can after can.
She urged him on: Do what you can
In five minutes, next I have Stan!
Barb lined them up nightly
And not too politely,
Yet most nights they’re back, to a man
(She’s stacked, lusty, cheap, with a tan).
Here’s a musical gift from the “group”
We think it will give you a whoop
It’s a new toilet seat
That’s really quite neat
It plays “Oh Happy Day”when you poop
I bought a great gift for “Sweet Drake”
To insert in his dear, precious, “snake”
It’s a real tiny string
That goes “ding” “ding” “ding”
Every time that he makes a mistake
Truthful Outburst #2773: Another Day, Same Ol’ Donald
He snickered, You’ve heard my great plan –
Whole four years to undo what I can!
Trump to ghostly confessor
About his predecessor.
Roy sighed: Donald, work on your tan…
You know how much I hate him, he’s Black!
Plus Michelle claims he’s good in the sack.
He can’t touch me! Obama
Better run to his mama,
And no one wants Hillary back.
White House staff stare as red-faced and foaming
At the mouth, up and down halls he’s roaming.
Someone called, tasked a drone:
Trump can’t be left alone!
Avert eyes; that’s his rug he’s back-combing.
He proudly proclaims “Mister Winky”
Will never be thought of as dinky.
In fact, here’s the plan:
With Viagra, he can
Be almost as big as his pinky.
Huh? Awaiting moderation?
*****
From MBK:
The anti-spam software automatically triggers “moderation” when certain words like viagra are used.And that means I have to see and approve it. It’s up on my blog now. :)
Thanks for helping with this Mad.
DJ
To a Quaker he knows, the man sends
Thoughtful gift that he later defends.
Their sacred Society
Asserts impropriety,
But the Quakers contend they’re just Friends.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 298. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off File.