Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PORT or SUPPORT or REPORT or DEPORT at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PORT or SUPPORT or REPORT or DEPORT at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CLOCKS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CLOCK-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 18, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 17, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
I’m going to court for a tort
That took place at a fancy resort.
Here’s the thrust of the case:
My client’s poor face
Was struck by a bottle of port.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Assault Humor, Competition Limerick, Court Humor, Lawyer Humor, Legal Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Litigation Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Tort Verse, Writing Prompts
Slippery-Sliding
Twice a year we will tinker with time
though it pre-dates primordial slime.
Took some heads full of rocks
to make laws changing clocks.
It’s a slippery-slope’s uphill climb.
The president needs life support.
Chain immigrant Mel? Quick, deport!
Steve Bannon’s been banned,
Jarvanka’s been canned …
But it’s all fake news (Fox report).
Please Say I’m Not Dreaming
A sad day, we’re here to report:
The President’s just been deport-
Ed. Seen off at the dock
By both parties (a shock)!
The news anchor let out a loud snort.
Then a frenzied and wild celebration
Gripped ninety percent of the nation –
NRA was disbanded,
The Martians had landed!
I awoke, fading sense of elation…
NRA gone?! ‘Twas then that I knew
It had all been too good to be true.
But I smiled anyway
As I started my day,
Having learned Martian spaceships were blue.
The facts were bared in the report
On sex and contortions for sport.
Paramour and his chosen
Fooled with lederhosen:
Willy’s frozen! The couple’s in court.
(A few old ones revisited …)
He was angry, and phoned tech support.
“It don’t work, that computer I bought!”
“Have you plugged it in right?”
“I can’t tell with no light –
We’ve got an electrical short.”
Donald Junior thinks it a shame
That although he can slaughter and maim,
He cannot import
Tusks and heads from his sport –
To him, it is all a big game.
He could never get people to pick
What he thought was his best party-trick –
Imitating a clock.
He was good at the ‘tock’,
But he’d never quite mastered the ‘tick.’
Said President Trump: “When I clocked her,
I moved on the bitch. I’d’ve cocked her,
But she turned me down,”
He complained with a frown,
“So what’s wrong with the stupid bitch, Doctor?”
His doctors prepared their report
On the President: “Keeping it short,
Though we think he’s insane,
When we look for his brain,
All we find is a genital wart.”
NASA scientists made this report:
“Today’s planned mission we must abort,
A check of the spacecraft
Shows it bare, fore and aft,
It seems that we’re three astronauts short!”
As was ruled by the Family Court
She’s entitled to get child support,
Now she shirks with a smirk
As her kids go to work
To pay Mother’s bills, sources report.
Like Hickory Dickory Dock,
We bought an old grandfather clock.
The casing was nice,
Though the timing device
Delivered a tick but no tock.
Think of Trump and my face will contort.
The elections are our last resort.
He keeps threatening war,
There’s corruption galore,
He is truly a storm in the port.
The time’s going too fast, stop the clock,
We grow older with every tick-tock.
That mirror is lying,
It’s just horrifying.
That reflection is quite a rude shock.
Said the Donald, “We gotta deport
All them druggies.” But he never thought
ICE would break down his door
And deport him. What for?
Just for one Presidential snort.
A riddle: Who am I?
This grandfather isn’t a clock,
Though his hands used to give girls a shock.
But he’s now just a tick;
There’s no ‘tock’ in his dick,
And he spends his time sucking a Koch.
“I’m sick of your coming up short
With the payments for Ben’s child support!
He’s your kid! Don’t you care?
He has nothing to wear!
I’ll report you — they’ll fine you in court.”
“Yeah? Last Thursday Ben came for the day
And I took him to test DNA.
Keep your ‘court,’ keep your ‘fine’ —
‘Cause you know he’s not mine!
Now let’s see what the judge has to say.”
My clocks used to tick on the wall
And a grandfather chimed in the hall.
Now they hide, half unseen,
At the edge of my screen
With no ticking or chiming at all.
Their functions are fairly routine:
Sound alarms; say when meetings convene.
The typical clock
Just goes tick and then tock,
But YOUR clock? Now, that one I’ll clean!
Trump’s unglued—and now Grand Puppeteer.
“Make those DACA kids just disappear!
Time’s up! Please escort
Those sloths back to the port
Where they entered. Let me commandeer!”
“Spring forward, fall back.” He had mocked
That old bromide, but now he was shocked.
He was one hour late
For his meeting at eight.
With the time change, he’d gone off half-clocked.
‘Bout the time of the next equinox,
Once again we’ll be changing our clocks.
Gotta move ’em ahead,
Lose an hour in bed.
Need another 8 months to detox!
Why Legislate When You Can Pontificate?
Droned speeches, gah…ad infinitum;
I vote anyway, yes, despite ’em
But do not support
All the ways they distort
Facts: wish we had recourse and could cite ’em!
Carl Ichan, in a recent report,
Knew the tariff on steel we import
Would cause business pains
To Manitowoc’s cranes,
So his holdings with them he cut short.
An updated version-am i too late?
Carl Ichan, says one report,
Knew the tariff on steel we import
Would cause business pains
To Manitowoc’s cranes
So his share of their stock he cut short.
Little Ben felt his world start to rock.
Would he ever get over the shock?
Seems his Dad’s not his Dad
But just some unknown cad
Who once banged his Mum under a clock!
“Tell me Mum,” he asked, “Why did you go
Make time with a guy you didn’t know?”
She winked, “He made my chimes
Ring seven or eight times–
Back then I was fast — my watch was slow.”
His mum made this candid confession
Before his noon piano lesson.
Banging piano keys
As she once banged with ease,
He slid into childhood depression.
My teacher said, “Write a report
And please try to make it real SHORT”
She liked mine the best
(Better than the rest)
Called, “Woody Allen Is Not A Good Sport”
Claimed a windbag in bankrupcy court:
“I’m a stud in a lady’s resort.
But on spying his tool,
The judge ruled the fool
Had no visible means of support.
Claimed a windbag in bankrupcy court:
“I’m a stud in a ladies resort.”
But on spying his tool,
The judge ruled the fool
Had no visible means of support.
(typos fixed)
I bought myself an “antique” clock
Oh, wow did this time piece ROCK !!
But it started to ROLL
Then it did the STROLL
Previous owner? Dick Clark, the “jock”
We waited at the Jersey port
Then took a trip to a seaside resort
Seniors know how to pack
Lots of bras in their sack
(All our boobs need extra support)
There was this girl who was so short
Tall guys she wished for her consort
But none applied
She cried and cried
Tall shoe shoed clown came for her support
..
BILL HALEY AND THE “COM”
We seniors never stop
At four we do the bop
At five we do the jive
But at six, we’re ready to flop
So we only rock halfway ’round the clock
We shared a glass of vintage port
At a very famous French resort
Then we drove to the beach
His kisses were sweet; we started
Why must this dream be so short?
Attached to my laptop is a clock
It’s makes a “ding” when my typing should stop
But it doesn’t work
(I’m such a jerk)
After my very first limerick, it went “kerplop”
THE FIRST ROCK ‘N ROLL SONG TO USE “CLOCK”
Boy, we seniors just never stop !
When it’s four o’clock we do the bop
And then when it’s five
We do the jive
And at six we rock HALFWAY ’round the clock
LINES 1,2, OR 5 ? NOW IT’S “ANY LINE?” I’M SO CONFUSED !!!
LINES 1,2, OR 5 ? NOW IT’S “ANY LINE?” I’M SO CONFUSED !!!
For this limerick (?) I need support
So it won’t be too long or too short
You have changed all your rules
We seniors feel like fools
We CAN’T DO IT !! Our minds you have thwart
She heard her biological clock
Loud and clear, and with every tick tock
She cried and thought maybe
Instead of a baby
She’d be forced to adopt a Pet Rock.
She had done everything she could do
To get pregnant, and now she was through;
Her bi’logical clock
Had wound down its tick tock–
Its silence she could not misconstrue.
She went for a walk by the river
Where loud wailing sounds made her shiver,
There she found a dear babe
She adopted and saved
And named “Buttercup” — (may he forgive her!)
I tried to give him loving support
When he confessed to being real short
But when he went in
I said, “When does this begin?”
He looked confused and gave out a snort
Mad, if YOU think it would be more to the point, can you change “I said when does this begin?” to “I ASKED when WILL IT begin?”
******
I’ve sent you an email. Please read it carefully and follow my instructions.
Ricardo was such a good sport
At the Fantasy Island Resort
His smile grew so wide
When Tattoo, at his side
Yelled ,”Da plane… da plane …in da port!”
“Dear Leader* sees it as a sport
Inventing new ways to deport
So if one is brown
One has to leave town
(Could that be considered a tort?)
This notion of “beating the clock” –
I wonder, why give it a sock?
Or making it splat
With a brick or a bat;
Is dinging the thing just a crock?
So now the time has run out
And DACA’s hanging in doubt
SCOTUS stopped the clock
But that’s not a lock
Potential remains for a rout.
“Executive time” isn’t work;
It’s hours he chooses to shirk
By watching TV;
One day he will see
That time has run out for the jerk.
So D.D. and P.P. agreed
Their secret they’d never concede.
She now can report
That he tried to abort
Her sharing his doing the deed.
They’ve abolished all rules for the banks;
For that, the Koch Brothers give thanks.
“Donald’s turned back the clock”,
Crows the senior Koch,
While the younger just gibbers and wanks,
At a nuclear plant, they abort
Operations while trying to thwart
Radiational leaks.
An inspector then speaks,
And he gives them a glowing report.
The Donald has found a new sport
In the navy. “Gee, who would have thought?
I may be no sailor,
But, hey, I can nail her –
In every young girl, there’s a port.”
She sighed. She’d been sucking his cock
For a couple of hours by the clock,
But the guy was still limp.
“Fake news!” cried the wimp,
“I’m the Donald, I’m hard as a rock!”
They frolicked at Trumpster’s resort
And elsewhere, the papers report.
A tryst in Chicago?
Perhaps Mar-a-Lago?
Then Stormy says, “See you in Court!”
De pirates was drinking de port
they were down to their very last quart
but de porter came by
and renewed their supply –
He re-ported ’em, ‘fore they ran short
“In physics, we’ve changed how we’ve reckoned
The unit of time called the second.
The Earth day’s not steady,
So here’s how. Are you ready?”
And then the prof laughed, and he beckoned.
“Take cesium one-thirty-three.
‘Tween its hyperfine levels you’ll see
In the atom’s ground state
A transitional rate
That’s unchanging, so all can agree.
“So we count its vibrations, nine bill
Plus one hundred and ninety two mill
Six thirty-one thousand
Sev-seventy (wows!) and
A second has passed. Get it, Phil?”
(A little contrived, but it’s an exact description of an atomic clock.)
“In physics, we’ve changed how we’ve reckoned
The unit of time called the second.
The Earth day’s not steady,
So here’s how. Are you ready?”
And then the prof laughed, and he beckoned.
“Take cesium one-thirty-three.
‘Tween its hyperfine levels you’ll see
In the atom’s ground state
A transitional rate
That’s unchanging, so all can agree.
“So we count its vibrations, nine bill
Plus one hundred ninety two mill
Six thirty-one thousand
Sev-seventy (wows!) and
A second has passed. Get it, Phil?”
(A little contrived, but it’s an exact description of an atomic clock.)
Edited line 2, last verse, removed “and”
A mouse had been warned of the clock:
“It’s electric and likely to shock.”
This advice went unheeded,
And so now what is needed
Is a hickory dickory doc.
Oops, I meant to thank Dave Johnson for the idea. Thanks, Dave!
I am more than alarmed to report
That my lim’rick last week was a tort.
Or so they do say
(Make that DT, okay?),
And I may end up going to court.
Re my “REPORT” limerick immediately preceding this note:
I make it a habit to read the “keywords” and compose my own limericks before reading anyone else’s. This prevents my mind from a bias injected by someone else’s…
Then I go back and start reading. And I thought I had been so clever using “tort” and “court”. To find out very quickly that Mad had used the same rhymes. Ah, well. GMTA. ;)
A sailor, a free-spending sort,
Hired a hooker for sexual sport.
He said, between sighs
As she straddled his thighs,
“Lean a bit more to starboard! Now port!”
My addictions (I’m sad to report)
Include chocolate bars, ice cream and torte.
As a sideline of those,
I got hooked on new clothes —
For I never have cravings for sport.
A twofer:
A clock of a variant sort
Is for sale at a famed Cuban port.
It’s a Bay of Pigs ticker
That makes people snicker
When the cuckoo announces, “Snort, snort.”
A two-fer:
A clock of a variant sort
Is for sale at a famed Cuban port.
It’s a Bay of Pigs ticker
That makes people snicker.
The cuckoo announces, “Snort, snort.”
Melania sitting at home
While hubby continued to roam
Has triggered the sort
Of salacious report
That warrants her clocking his dome.
NOT A DUPLICATE
We GALS at the NEW Jersey PORT
Took a TRIP to a REAL nice reSORT
Seniors KNOW how to PACK
Lots of BRAS in their SACK
‘Cause our BOOBS need that EXtra suPPORT
not a duplicate
The CLOCK’S an a MAZing in VEN tion
With a FUNC tion be YOND compre HEN sion
It e SCAPES being LEWD
Or E ven quite CRUDE
By ADDing an “L” for ex TEN sion
NOT A DUPLICATE
We GALS from the NEW Northbrook COURT
Took a TRIP to a REAL nice re SORT
Seniors KNOW how to PACK
Lots of BRAS in their SACK
Cause our BOOBS need that EX tra support
(I changed port to court, so as not to use PORT twice)
I GAVE him a LOT of su PPORT
Since HE was ex TREME ly so SHORT
But HE was so THIN
And COULD n’t get IN
But the GUY was a REALLY good SPORT
Mad :
Please put COULDN’T in CAPS in above limerick.
The auto-correct is kind of a pain
Thank you for all your help!!!!
***
I wrote it COULD n’t because the n’t is an unstressed syllable.
Whatever he wanted to say,
She’d alter to make it her way.
His final retort:
“I have to report
She’s sorry she left him today.”
With climate change, time’s running short;
That ice melt will fail to abort.
Proceeding this way,
In Phoenix some day
They’ll have to establish a port.
There are “GALS” waiting AT every PORT
Some are TALL; and then SOME very SHORT
They WAIT for one THING
And it’s NOT a gold RING
So use MOUTHWASH be FORE you ca VORT
“As a SEN ior I NEED some su PPORT
Will you PLEASE help ex TORT
Some FUNDS from the BANK
Then ME you may SPANK
You LOOK like a REAL good sport
THE PERKS OF LIVING IN A SENIOR BUILDING: (CLOCK)
Father TIME ticks a WAY
Someone DIES here each DAY
They COME and they GO
And we all KNOW
This PLACE ain’t for LONG term stay
change due to one mistake in line 5, which you will notice is not in caps
We GALS from the NEW Southbrook COURT
Took a TRIP to a REAL nice re SORT
Seniors KNOW how to PACK
Lots of BRAS in their SACK
‘Cause our BOOBS need that EX tra su PPORT
The man’s knowledge of debt needs expanding,
‘Cause he doesn’t have much understanding.
Saw his credit report,
And the dimwit’s retort
Was, “I’m flattered. My debt is outstanding.”
The DON ald was IN civil COURT
To TRY and a TTEMPT to de PORT
My DEAR friend SUE
Who was ALWAYS so TRUE
On the GROUNDS that this GAL was too SHORT
SENIOR LIVING
Father TIME simply TIC tocks a WAY
Someone HERE seems to DIE every DAY
They COME and they GO
But we CER tainly KNOW
This PLACE is not FOR long-term STAY
SECOND LIMERICK
I’m a SEN ior who NEEDS much su PPORT
Will you PLEASE try and HELP me ex TORT?
Some FUNDS from the BANK
(and then YOU I will THANK)
Cause you LOOK like a REA lly good SPORT !!
Mad: above limerick will be more civilized if it says:
“and then YOU I will THANK” Don’t you agree?
line 4 second limerick
****************
I agree, and I changed it.
While lending each other support,
They went to a swingers resort.
For Samantha and Fran,
Finding men was the plan;
But prospects were coming up short.
She was writing a paper. In short:
High explosives she made by the quart.
Then it all hit the floor
And went off with a roar.
Sadly, that was her final report.
CORRECTION
The DON ald was IN civil COURT
To TRY and a TTEMPT to de PORT
My DEAR est friend SUE
Who was AL ways so TRUE
On the GROUNDS that this GAL was too SHORT
Our clocks springing forward adds light
Much later on into the night.
For some, it’s a boon;
But for others, the moon
Makes hot-tubbing less of a fright.
ANY PORT IN A STORM
Even THOUGH he says ” I”M not real SHORT”
Our PREZ certain LY loves to CA vort
When ON the Ti TAN ic
He did NOT show his PAN ic
And SAID, “any STORM ey in a PORT”
BETTER METER (I HOPE)
Even THOUGH he says, “I”M not real SHORT”
Our PREZ certain LY loves to CA vort
When ON the Ti TAN ic
He did NOT show his PAN ic
And SAID, “There’s a STOR mey right THERE in the PORT”
MAKES MORE SENSE
Even THOUGH he in TRUTH is real SHORT
Our PREZ certain LY loves to CA vort
When ON the Ti TAN ic
He did NOT show his PAN ic
And SAID, “There’s a STORM ey right THERE in that PORT
Her blind date, she was sad to report,
Was toothless, odiferous and short;
It was all she could do
Not to shout out “Pee-yew!”
Or to run off, as a last resort.
A pleasing fantasy
“A parade!” said the Donald with glee.
“The whole army, in honour of ME!
At the rifles’ report
They will march!” So he thought –
But instead, every man took the knee.
A LIM rick is KIND of a CLOCK
There’s a “TICK” and right AF ter, a ” TOCK”
If you GET it just RIGHT
You will FEEL much de LIGHT
Or in MY case I’ll GO into SHOCK
Mr. TRUMP had to WRITE a re PORT
To send STRAIGHT to the COOK County COURT
It stated, “WE billion AIRES
Never HAVE any A ffaires
Why do PE ople think I am that SORT?”
Seniors MUST have a VE ry fine CLOCK
One that’s pre CISE and goes “TICK itey TOCK”
We should ALL know the HOUR
To TAKE a hot SHOWER
Then be on TIME to go SEE a good DOC
A ship pulling into the port
Has sailors who want to go sort
Out the good from the rest,
Then take on the best;
Street ballin’ – their favorite sport.
Mad
I wrote a funny limerick and it read
Or in my case, You’ll go into shock
It should be, Or in my case, I’LL go into shock
If you can find it, can you change it?
Thank you
*****
I found it and fixed it. That limerick had excellent meter, by the way. :)
In rowing, she’s starboard or port;
Or both, if mixed quads are the sport.
She’ll chastise the bloke
Who falters his stroke;
“No coxswain!” her classic retort.
NOT A DUPLICATE
I BOUGHT a used MUS ical CLOCK
Oh BOY how this TIME piece could ROCK
But it STAR ed to ROLL
And THEN did the “STROLL”
Previo US owner: DICK Clark, the “JOCK”
CORRECTION
I BOUGHT a used MUS ical CLOCK
Oh BOY how this TIME piece could ROCK !!
But it START ed to ROLL
And THEN did the “STROLL”
Former OWN er was DICK Clark, the “JOCK”
NOT A DUPLICATE
Seniors MUST have a VE ry fine CLOCK
Which goes TICK it te TICK it te TOCK
We should ALL know the HOUR
When to TAKE a hot SHOWER
Then be on TIME to go SEE a good DOC
Mr. Trump had to write a report
To send straight to the Cook County court
Which said, “We RICH billion AIRES
Don’t have A ny lewd AF faires”
Why do people think I am that sort ?
NOT A DUPLICATE
Fixing the meter in the first verse.
“In physics, we’ve changed how we’ve reckoned
The unit of time called the second.
Since Earth days aren’t steady,
Here’s how. Are you ready?”
And then the prof laughed, and he beckoned.
“Take cesium one-thirty-three.
‘Tween its hyperfine levels you’ll see
In the atom’s ground state
A transitional rate
That’s unchanging, so all can agree.
“So we count its vibrations, nine bill
Plus one hundred ninety two mill
Six thirty-one thousand
Sev-seventy (wows!) and
A second has passed. Get it, Phil?”
(A little contrived, but it’s an exact description of an atomic clock.)
I’ve a theory that gathers support
with each Stormy Daniels report:
Trump can rule the world
and have any girl
but will keep the one he can deport.
My LAP top’s a TTACHED to a CLOCK
It goes “DING” when my TYP ing should STOP
But the THING doesn’t WORK
(I’m SUCH a damn JERK)
After ONE day, it WENT into SHOCK
CORRECTION
My TEA cher said, “WRITE a re PORT;
And PLEASE try and MAKE it real SHORT”
She LIKED mine the BEST
(Better THAN all the REST)
Called, “Ken JEONG is just NOT a good SPORT”
We DINED at a FAN cy re SORT
Then STROLLED to the BEAU tiful PORT
We had PAS sionate SEX
Five TIMES on the DECKS
(Why MUST my sul TRY dream be SHORT?)
CORRECTION
We DINED at a FAN cy re SORT
Then STROLLED to the BEAU tiful PORT
We had HOT sultry SEX
Five TIMES on the DECKS
(WHY was this DREAM so damn SHORT?)
A woman who loved to cavort
With sailors or so they’d report,
Would wait with her gin,
As their frigates sailed in,
Then welcome them into her port.
CORRECTION
My TEA cher said, “WRITE a re PORT
And PLEASE try and MAKE it real SHORT”
She LIKED mine the BEST
It BEAT all the REST
Called, “Ken JEONG is just NOT a good SPORT”
NOT A DUPLICATE
My LAP top’s at TACHED to a CLOCK
It goes “DING” when my TYP ing should STOP
But this THING doesn’t WORK
I FEEL like a JERK
Just one LIM ‘rick caused IN disposed SHOCK
(The computer will not allow me to type LIMERICK
It insists it’s Lim Erick )
NOT A DUPLICATE
My LAP top’s at TACHED to a CLOCK
It SHOWS me the TIME I should KNOCK
It OUT (take a BREAK)
But JUST for my SAKE
I must STRIVE to make MY lim’ricks ROCK
CORRECTION
My LAP top’s at TACHED to a CLOCK
It SHOWS me the TIME I should KNOCK
IT OFF (take a BREAK)
But JUST for my SAKE
I’ll STRIVE till my LIM ‘ricks just ROCK
Mad
Please substitute I STRIVE so my LIM ‘ricks just ROCK
to I’ll STRIVE till my LIM ‘ricks just ROCK
Thank You Again
*******
Done
I USE a strange “TALK to Me” CLOCK
It’s ON my oak NIGHTSTAND near my ROCK
But it SEEMS kind of RUDE
And E ven quite CRUDE
Like to DAY it said,” WAKE up you CROCK”
CORRECTION
I USE a strange “TALK To Me” CLOCK
It’s ON my oak NIGHT stand:(a COOL block)
But it SEEMS kind of RUDE
And E ven quite CRUDE
Like it SAID, “Please wake UP, you old CROCK”
A laptop who loved to cavort
With connective devices for sport
Gushed, “I’ll always enable
A USB cable
Adapted to turn on my port.”
THE FINAL FIX
You should SEE my cool
THE FINAL FIX
I HAVE an out STAND ing new CLOCK
I can “HEAR” it go TICK-a-te TOCK
But SOME times it’s RUDE
And E ven quite CRUDE
It SAID “please wake UP you old CROCK
TRYING FOR PERFECTION
The GALS wait at EV ery PORT
Some are TALL and then SOME very SHORT
They are AF ter one THING
And it’s NOT a gold RING
Use MOUTH wash be FORE you ca VORT
NOT A DUPLICATE
The CLOCK’S an a MAZ ing in VEN tion
With a FUNC tion be YOND compre HEN sion
It e SCAPES being LEWD
Or E ven quite CRUDE
By GRACE of an “L” for ex TEN sion
NOT A DUPLICATE
Seniors MUST have a VE ry fine CLOCK
(Pre CISE and goes TICK ety TOCK)
We should ALL know the HOUR
When it’s TIME for a SHOW er
Then be EAR ly to GO see the DOC
Bad timing completely infects it;
Dysfunction and all that connects it.
Department of State
Has met the same fate;
Ensuring that Tillerson Rexit.
Whoever thought up DST
Was certainly on LSD
But here, no one talks
About changing their clocks
Of this nonsense, you see, we are free.
(Saskatchewan does not participate in Daylight Savings Time, thank God. We wonder why anyone does.)
Trump got UP at the CRACK of the DAWN
It was SIX so he JUST had to YAWN
He CLICKED on his STAT ion
For in- DEPTH inforMA tion
And WATCHED Laura, TUC ker, and SEAN
A yoga instructor named Mort
Gave students some extra support.
“Do you have time to meet
One-on-one?” asked young Pete.
“I’m flexible,” came the retort.
(FORGOT ABOUT THE “CLOCK”)
Trump LOOKED at the CLOCK; it was DAWN
(So EARL y he GAVE out a YAWN)
He’d re COR ded the STAT ion
With in – DEPTH infor MAT ion
Then WATCHED Laura, TUCK er and SEAN
LIKE CLOCKWORK
The new S.O.S. is Pompeo,
He’s white as a fresh jar of mayo.
Each Noon he’ll give Trump
A big kiss on his rump,
Or be gone by the end of the dayo.
There are TIMES that a MAN has to WAIT
For his LOVE ly and BEAU tiful DATE
It HAPP ends to BE a fact
That CLOCKS are not ex ACT
So she JUST might be FIVE seconds LATE
The PREZ claims he’ s LOS ing su PPORT
Cause the LEFT says that HE will dis TORT
The FACTS that are TRUE
Just from HIS point of VIEW
As he STILL plays his OUT- of bounds SPORT
You’ll NO tice that CLOCKS have two HANDS
There are PRI cy and BAR gain type BRANDS
But if YOU can’t tell TIME
It is SURE ly a CRIME
There’s no WAY it will MEET your de MANDS
STRESSED SYLLABLES CORRECTION
There are TIMES that a MAN has to WAIT
For his LOVE ly and BEAUT iful DATE
But it’s TRU ly a FACT
No clock’s REAL ly ex ACT
So she MIGHT just be FIVE seconds LATE
The PREZ says he WANTS to de PORT
THOSE who are TALL and real SHORT
If he GETS his own WAY
Men and WO men will STRAY
So WHO then will HOLD down the FORT ?
WORD CHANGES “TENDS” AND “BUT” ELIMINATE “JUST”
The PREZ claims he’s LOS ing su PORT
Cause the LEFT says he TENDS to dis TORT
The FACTS that are TRUE
From HIS point of VIEW
But he STILL plays his OUT-of bounds SPORT
MAD: I FINALLY “GOT” THE “HINT” WHICH YOU KEPT
A “SECRET”
Mr. TRUMP had to WRITE a re PORT
To go STRAIGHT to the COOK County COURT
It said, “WE billion AIRES
Do NOT have aff AIRES
Why do PEO ple think I am that SORT?”
It looked like the win was a lock;
So coaches said “Run out the clock.”
But things happened fast,
Their lead wouldn’t last;
Which won them some papers that walk.
“There will always be change.” Should I snort,
Or come up with a snappy retort?
There’ll be change, I agree –
When the voters all see
You’re the menace we need to deport!
Daylight Saving Time’s playing its tricks:
I’m in Israel; my cuz from the sticks
Of New Jersey just phoned;
“Five AM here!” I groaned.
“Oh no, really? I thought it was six!”
ANOTHER “TAKE” ON A PREVIOUS LIMERICK
You’ll NO tice that CLOCKS have two HANDS
There are PRI cy and BAR gain type BRANDS
But if YOU can’t tell TIME
They AIN’T worth a DIME
Cause there’s NO way they’ll MEET your de MANDS
TRUE FACT: BEFORE THE INVENTION OF THE CLOCK, THERE WAS A
PROFESSION KNOWN AS THE “KNOCKER-UPPER” IT WAS HIS
RESPONSIBILITY TO GO AROUND KNOCKING ON PEOPLES’ DOORS
UNTIL THEY WOKE UP.
We ONCE had a GREAT knocker-UPP er
Who “TOLD” us it’s TIME for our SUPP er
He was SO very CUTE
That I FOLL owed his ROUTE
But to HIM I was MERE ly a SUCK er
My CU koo had a REAL ly tense COUGH
I was STAR tled to HEAR my “pet” SCOFF
Then I WON dered just WHY
And he GAVE his re PLY:
“I was MERE ly a LIT tle ticked OFF”
BETTER METER
My CU koo had a REAL ly tense COUGH
He START ed to SCOWL ; then he’d SCOFF
I WON dered just WHY
So he GAVE his re PLY:
“I MERE ly was a LIT tle ticked OFF
March Madness
She had smirked with a clever retort,
But her actions would show in report.
The attendant would grin
With the pup in the bin
Till its death and a visit to court!
A clock is a hellish invention
With nary a good point to mention;
It wakes you and shakes you
And takes you and makes you
Face deadlines and adds to your tension.
Oh NO, it is NOW twelve o’ CLOCK !
I BET ter be HOME; I must ROCK
I have LOST my glass SLIP per
And it’s AL most Yom KIP pur
It’s TOO much for ME; I’m in SHOCK
Mad Kane once was sipping some port
While pondering loss in the court.
She was asked what she’d do.
“I’ll appeal and then sue.”
It was both a reply and re-tort.
My “CU-koo bird’ START ed to COUGH
Then SCOWLED and he NAST ingly SCOFFED
I WON dered just WHY
And he GAVE his re PLY
“I FEEL so com PLETE ly ticked OFF”
Seniors NEED a de PEND able CLOCK
(Pre CISE and goes TICK ety TOCK)
We should ALL know the HO ur
When it’s TIME for a SHOW er
And be EAR ly to GO see the DOC
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 294.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Bark.