Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: STEAL or STEEL at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using STEAL or STEEL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TEENS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TEEN-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 21, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 20, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A gal made attempts to conceal
Her marital motives with zeal;
She wanted a guy
Who was rich and could buy
All she wanted or, failing that, steal.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Crime, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Money & Finance Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Theft, Writing Prompts
The man did not know how to feel
He was filled up with Communist zeal
Was it really that silly
For this man, Dzhugashvili,
To label himself, “Man of Steel”?
(Stalin, for those who haven’t figured it out.)
Our city, once known for its steel,
Succeeds ‘cause we know what is real.
So please don’t embarrass
With “Pittsburgh, not Paris,”
You fraud who wrote “Art of the Deal.”
This is my response to our so-called President’s statement when he withdrew from the Paris accords, when he asserted: “I was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not Paris.”
He doesn’t know Pittsburgh!
To be sixteen again, I’ll explain
Why a wish of that sort is in vain
I would spend every week
Of my sexual peak
With my gland in my hand, once again.
A young man full of vigor and zeal
From a young girl a kiss he did steal.
Then got carried away,
Thought he’d try for a lay,
Had to settle for copping a feel.
Clark Kent is the Man of Steel.
The Donald’s the Man of Steal.
Forget x-ray vision!
Stuporman’s mission
is much harder: to cop a feel.
As everyone knows, in our teens
parents’ warnings are worth less than beans.
When our passions ignite
there’s no use to recite
holy verses. The lust’s in our genes!
Donald’s book called “The Art of the Deal”
Is a typical braggardly spiel.
“It’ll teach you poor suckers,
You sad motherfuckers,
How to lie, and to cheat, and to steal.”
In his new book, “The Art of the Feel”,
He explains how to make women squeal –
“Just grab ’em real firm
By the pussy, they’ll squirm!” –
In the chapter named “Fingers of Steel”.
Roy Moore has a craving for teens;
Oh, the charm of those tight little jeans
On the sweet pre-pubescent!
He’s always tumescent,
And getting his under-age greens.
“I’ve been libelled by sick magazines,”
He insists. “So I go for fourteens?
‘Let the little kids cum’,
Jesus said. I ain’t dumb –
That’s what true Christianity means.”
I don’t mean to sound bourgeois
But it felt like my last hurrah
As a flat-chested teen
Who was pitifully lean
I stuffed toilet paper in my bra
A lout thought her heart he could steal,
By kissing and then copping a feel.
Any chances he blew
In this age of #Me, too!
She slapped this presumptuous heel.
Things were better when I was a teen,
Real hopes for peace and fairness were seen.
We marched against oppression,
Political aggression,
It’s tragic to know what might have been.
Crude Trump’s book, “The Art of the Deal”
Is really the art of the STEAL.
People, companies cheated,
Bankruptcies, repeated.
Then and now, a despicable heel.
New steel coasters have really impressed
Horny women. But soon they confessed
Liking wood more than steel,
And exclaim with much zeal
They like riding a woodie the best.
I have a new girlfriend for real
Her virginity I’m planning to steal
When we go to the prom
Please don’t tell my mom
All that shouting will ruin the appeal
First I will ask her to kneel
Next to my bedframe made out of steel
“We’ll have to be quiet”
“It’s so small, that’s a riot!”
She said when I took out my eel
“Dear parents,” advises the sage,
“You know that your teens will engage
In actions erotic.
Just don’t be despotic.
Remember you once were their age.”
If I were a robot of steel,
I wouldn’t eat chicken or veal.
Plugged in for an hour,
I’d rest and re-power.
Electrons: the true vegan meal.
Trump invited the hooker to kneel
While he fed her his “member of steel”,
But he couldn’t get hard,
And she told the dotard
“Gee, it’s more of a snack than a meal.”
The Croupier was accused of trying to steal
Black Jack money from “Casino Lucille”
He finally confessed
That his answer was “yes”
And said he was skillful at the “art of the deal”
Do ya wanna get BEE-hind the wheel?
Come on in and you’ll get a great deal!
You’ll pay nothing today,
Drive it home right away.
Now ya gotta admit that’s a steal!
I’ve a nephew who’s only eighteen
‘Hind the ears he is certainly green
Yet he thinks that he knows
Ev’ry way the wind blows
And plays lead in most every scene
He promised he never would steal
From your healthcare? Poor voters, get real;
With tax cuts of trillions,
You’ll die by the millions
As Donald destroys the New Deal.
“I’m a genius!” is Donald’s new spiel.
“My mind is as stable as steel!”
But how can we trust
Steel that’s eaten by rust
Used to make a triangular wheel?
(An old one …)
The bishop had pawned his wide-screen
For the check for that gorgeous young teen.
He expected to mate,
But he found out too late
He’d been rooked, for the “girl” was a queen.
(Another old one, ALMOST on topic …)
She admitted “I’ll tell you no lies;
It was quite an unwelcome surprise
When he pulled out his wienie,
Pathetically teenie –
What matters for me is the size.”
Dave was a total heel
He would lie and he would steal
To the girls he wasn’t kind
He had naughty things in mind
So we called him “David Cop- Her -Feel”
A fellow was trying to steal
A kiss (and much more) from Lucille.
Though he coaxed and cajoled,
It just didn’t take hold.
In his spiel she found little appeal.
Well, he’s only sixteen. My own line
At that age wasn’t polished or fine.
I remember the urge
When those hormones would surge…
STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER, YOU SWINE!
TEENS
Nothing is sacred anymore
All my son wants to do is “SCORE”
I said, “Take my advice:
Girls are real nice”
But he seems to like baseball much more.
Republicans managed to steal
Our future with one rotten deal.
The tax cut they cheer
Lets the rest of us hear
How Greedy Old Pigs love to squeal.
Trump and sex, sex and Trump — do you mind?
Can we leave these two topics behind?
If you aren’t a teen,
“Mad’s Lim Contest” should mean
A fun place to relax and unwind!
From the collection box I did steal
Thirty dollars for a nice hearty meal
So I ordered a steak
Did she make a mistake?
Those deviled eggs didn’t have much appeal
NOT A DUPLICATE
Did the Croupier try to steal
Black Jack funds from Casino Lucille?
He finally confessed
That his was answer was “Yes,
I’m just skilled at the art of the deal”
When he studies for tests, high school teen
Likes to eat food with lots of caffeine;
Says such food is the best
To prepare for a test.
The boy calls it his favorite quizine.
In the sixties, when I was a teen,
I complained that my parents were mean.
Now my grandkids complain
That my kids are insane,
And my parents are gone from the scene.
“He betrayed me!” fumed Joanie O’Neill;
“First I’ll stab him, then carve him piecemeal!”
Her plot foundered: poor Joan
Had no knife of her own,
And she knew it was sinful to steal.
Ol’ Marvin is tryin’ to dress
Like a teen or some hipster, I guess.
He prances and preens
In them skinny black jeans,
While his gut overlooks the whole mess.
TEENAGERS NOW AND THEN
“Home Room” seems so long ago
Attendance was taken and voices were low
Now with skyping
The teachers are griping
You can be seen at high school and not even show
They said “Granny, you’re old for this scene,”
But I’m sure I don’t know what they mean.
Yes, I was fifty-nine
Just five years ago. Fine!
That now makes me fifty-fourteen.
I was sick of guys who were real
So I got me one made of steel
I thought I’d finally get laid
But I was quite dismayed
Here in bed with another schlemiel
TEEN STUFF AND STEAL TOGETHER
I remember Peter McNeil
Afraid of the girls (so unreal !)
But when I was alone
Wearing sexy cologne
A kiss on my cheek he doth steal
A teen told me “Coffee with lime
Is useful at hangover time.”
It’s good information —
But what consternation!
This teen’s more drink-savvy than I’m!
They sold off the place for a steal
That London New Embassy deal.
But the vendor’s new site
Put them in a plight
More security! Are you for real?
The Doc asked her “How do you feel?
How long since you’ve eaten a meal?”
So she tried to explain
Why she had to refrain
“His food needs a guts made of steel”
TEENAGERS THEN VS. TEENAGERS NOW
60’s Home Room seems so long ago
Attendance was taken by Mr. Monroe
But now with skyping
The teachers are griping
You can be seen at school and not even show
NOT A DUPLICATE
Nothing is sacred anymore
All my son wants to do is “score”
I said, “Take my advice;
Girls are nice”
But he seems to like baseball much much more !
My bionic lover was made of steel
He definitely had a unique sort of “feel”
Now he’s hazardous waste
Who’s been displaced
Maybe my choice wasn’t very ideal
We used to gaze at the stars above
With Bill I was happy as a dove
But one day in July
He made me cry
Why must I be a teenager in love?
There once was a teenager, Grace,
With pimples all over the place.
Zits were very widespread.
Dermatologist said
That acne’s a problem to face.
Yes, I laugh — but my laughter is wry —
At some things the Great Orange lets fly:
Like a boy in his teens
Who eats too many beans
And breaks wind when the teacher goes by.
Wayne Bobbitt’s horrendous ordeal
Caused lecherous husbands to reel;
Most hid their knives
Out of sight of their wives,
While others wore skivvies of steel.
The teen: “Let me tell you the deal.
I had no intention to steal.
When you told my dad
I knew I’d been had
Now let me show you the weal.”
He says “That report isn’t real.”
“Let’s talk about Art of the Deal”
(I never said shit-hole)
(It could have been tit mole)
“Why not buy my book? It’s a steal!”
TEEN QUANDRY
My French teacher, Mr. Bleu
Said, “I’ll give you an A whatever you do
If you promise to study
And be my buddy”
Comprenez-vous?
Mad: That’s My French teacher Mr. BLEU Please change
in previous limerick Thank You
Remember when copping a feel,
You might get a wink or a squeal.
Or maybe a bop
If you’re feeling a cop
Who’s keeping abreast of the steal.
JEAN’S HIGH SCHOOL DILEMMA AND A BETTER LIMERICK
My French teacher, Mr. Bleu
Said, “I’ll give you an A; here’s a clue:
Promise you’ll study
And be my buddy
Those are my rules, Jean: comprenez-vous?”
Under guard, watched behind bars of steal,
The inmate sighs and eyes his last meal
Thinking, “How could I know
I’d end up on Death Row
Where even the food has no appeal?!”
The sales agent assured, “It’s a great deal,
Get investment advice and a free meal,
Give us a bit of your time
And we will take your last dime —
Our financial plan is solid as steel!”
She exuded such vast sex appeal
No man’s heart was there she could not steal,
Later though each victim claimed
He’d been robbed, she escaped blame
And all at her love altar still kneel.
In high school I studied Thoreau
And Edgar Allen Poe
But since I was busty
On this you can trust me:
Guys don’t give a crap what you know
In this foul wintry storm that I dread,
As I work with sick joints and sore head,
I recall: in my teens,
When I woke to such scenes,
I’d feign fever and go back to bed.
TEENAGERS !!!
“Joan learned to drive”, said my spouse
“Sit with her, but be quiet as a mouse”
We didn’t go far
When she hit another car
And we hadn’t even left the house
NOT A DUPLICATE TEENAGERS !!
“Joan learned to drive” said my spouse
“Sit with her, but be STILL as a mouse”
We didn’t go far
When she hit a car
And we hadn’t even left the house
A welder who lived in Mobile,
Was known for his fingers of steel.
When lovers were bruised
From his fondles, he mused:
“I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel.”
Ricky’s wallet the missus did steal.
R. Ricardo then made this appeal:
“That’s a bad thing to do.
I am nervous ’cause you
Picked a bad time to thieve me, Lucille.”
I’m on-call and traffic is real
But I go to my job sites with zeal
At fifteen miles per
I inch along (grrr)
‘Cause I’m still the Woman of Steel
A spin on a 1920’s classic:
A transvestite teen in full bloom,
Took a lesbian Up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who has the right
To do what and with what and with whom.
The prolific romances by Steele
Have that rich-and-famous appeal.
The writing’s pure dross
But that hardly spells “loss”.
What she makes on film rights is the deal!
Take a hair, and at most, I might squeal,
But a kidney’s a much bigger deal.
Though a lung is too dear,
I will lend you an ear,
And my heart you are welcome to steal.
I once had a boss made of steel —
Till her soft spot, akin to the heel
Of Achilles, was shown
When I passed her my phone
With a pic of my Dane pup, Big Neil.
(Poetic license disclosure: he was a St. Bernard and his name was Ralphie…)
And here’s one for the translators among us:
Ugh, this technical text — what a bore!
Please, dear Internet Gods, I implore:
Let my Googling reveal
There’s a version to steal
That’s been rendered in English before.
I can’t think of a limerick using “steal”
Just one that might appeal
To the greater mass
And those with “class’
Which might be uniquely ideal
“Do your homework then go to bed!”
That’s what his father emphatically said!
But dad didn’t know
That a girl named “Flo”
Was up there hiding under the spread
Lisi – re: your posting above:
This is a true story. Years ago, my wife and I were doing a real estate
preview of a new listing in Seattle. It was a weekday afternoon and a teenage boy answered the door when we arrived. He reluctantly let us in
and we looked around, eventually arriving at a bedroom upstairs. There was clearly a human form underneath the bedspread with a pair of feet
(red toenails) sticking out. We didn’t say anything, but lingered awhile, admiring the drapes, etc. while the kid turned white as a sheet. We thanked him and left, laughing all the way home!
Trump was sure he could make Schumer kneel.
Play by Play, it’s the ‘Art of the Steal.’
But surprise, Dems got wise,
And opened their eyes.
Once they saw, they announced, “Nope, No Deal!”
With no corset of whalebone or steel,
Comfy shoes with round toe and low heel,
No tight jeans, no boned bra,
I look… healthy! A-ha!
(And my spouse loves the soft way I feel.)
Mad? Why is my last limerick “awaiting moderation”? Because it mentions unmentionables?
*****
From Mad: Probably. My blog software has a mind of its own. Sorry about that! It’s on my blog now.
In all of our hearts he did steal
A special crush: (so unreal)
With those gorgeous blue eyes
As bright as the skies
The “verdict”: This man had appeal
(who is he?)
I got a “D” from Mr. Chong
Who said that I didn’t belong
In his English class
(I could never pass)
And I still don’t know what I done wrong
MAD rush to the finish!!!
I can’t think of a limerick WITH “steal”!!
A poem with universal appeal
For the greater mass
And for those with class
Which might be uniquely ideal
In court she did appeal
And tried to make a “deal”
“I was caught by the fuzz
And on a terrific buzz
I just wanted a cop to feel”
I FORGOT TO USE STEAL OR STEEL IN PREVIOUS LIMERICK!!!!
(SORRY)
Our “leader” just blusters and preens;
No question – he doesn’t know beans.
A cretinous dope
Who someday may hope
His ratings climb up to the teens.
I am a young boy of thirteen
All the kids here are really quite mean
They have really been cruel
In my Catholic school
But the adults are simply obscene
As the days pass, my terror’s increased
For the clergy are never policed
So you see, it’s a race
To come first on my face
Will the winner be zits, or the priest?
His chances of winning weren’t real
So Trump made a traitorous deal
It’s his country he’s lootin’
He called Mr. Putin
He had an election to steal.
“In teens, these hormonal effects
Are often extremely complex,”
Related Doc Gimpel,
“But kids keep it simple:
It’s either a pimple or sex.”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 290.
Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Penned.