Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FINE (or DEFINE/REFINE/CONFINE) at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FINE (or DEFINE/REFINE/CONFINE) at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CELEBRATIONS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CELEBRATION-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 7, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 6, 2018, at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
The food at the diner was fine
And surprisingly cheap, but the wine
Was the kind that you’d pay
Through the nose for — gourmet;
Its steep prices confined me to stein.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Diner Humor, Food Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Wine Humor, Writing Prompts
Once again it’s a special occasion,
Time for merriment, joy, jubilation.
A few glasses of wine
Make it even more fine
And a great, really great celebration!
Elvis needed to refine
His album called “The Devine”
So he changed “Gas Station Of Love”
To “You’re My Turtle Dove”
Then everything worked out just fine
Maccabean revolt celebrated,
The Second Temple was rededicated;
Not enough candle oil, an amaze-
Menorah lit, burned for eight days,
A miracle! All were quite elated.j
Got her drunk with a very fine wine,
Took advantage, despicable swine.
She got more than his kiss.
Was too drunk to resist,
#Me too- she exposed him just fine.
ANNUAL CHRISTMAS GIFT
Our “Super” Mr. Klein
Fixes our plumbing perfectly fine
He’s been here for 30 years
And so now it appears
He has 500 bottles of wine
There’s just no way to define
My Honey who’s simply sublime
He brings me breakfast in bed
Always includes Artisan bread
Now I must get home; it’s a quarter to nine!!
CELEBRATE!
Our moms said we can have ONE drink
But we really didn’t “think”
New Year’s Eve was less than fine
We all had too much wine
Then went to throw up in the sink
The fourth grade teacher said “please define
The word of the day is benign”
Jack said “great
I know the date!
March 3rd 2009”
We went to see Rabbi Fine
To borrow a little wine
But when we got there
He was saying a prayer
While he was schtupping Mrs. Klein
Every year on Christmas Day
We always go away
This year it’s Hawaii
Hubby ran it by me:
He’s looking for an interesting lai
Things were not so fine
With my new beau, Michael Klein
He’s just so tall
And I’m quite small
We just couldn’t seem to align
We celebrated our big 5-oh
(Anniversary for me and Joe)
As he made his speech
For his coat he did reach
And said, “Honey, this is the end of the show”
I’m feeling unusually fine
The wine is perfectly devine
It’s a perfect get-away
On this lovely day in May
For just me and my clinging vine
NOT A DUPLICATE
Every year on Christmas Day
We always go FAR away
This year it’s Hawaii
Hubby ran it by me:
He wants to get an interesting lai
NOT A DUPLICATE
Elvis needed to redesign
His album called “The Devine”
So he changed ” Gas Station Of Love”
To “You’re My Turtle Dove”
Then everything worked out fine
This IS NOT A DUPLICATE
Elvis needed to redesign
His album called “The Devine”
So he changed ” Gas Station Of Love”
To “You’re My Turtle Dove”
Then everything worked out fine
NOT A DUPLICATE
We celebrated our big 5 oh
(Anniversary for me and Joe)
As he made his speech
For his coat he did reach
“Honey, this is the end of the show”
NOT A DUPLICATE
There is no way to define
My Honey who’s just sublime
He brings me breakfast in bed
(Always includes Artisan bread)
“I must get home; it’s almost nine”
THIS IS NOT A DUPLICATE
There is no way to define
My Honey who’s just sublime
He brings me breakfast in bed
(Always includes Artisan bread)
“I must get home’ it’s almost nine
Our vacation was sublime
Everything turned out fine
We brought our daughter Mae
Who turned 40 just today!
I had her when I was 9
Mad: previous limerick: Please change “who was 40” to who TURNED 40
Thank You
Every limerick isn’t complete
‘Til its rhythm conforms to a beat
So that every line
Has a cadence that’s fine.
All the writers must think on their feet.
We had a marvelous celebration
Honoring the dedication
To a plaque of Trump
And his prodigious rump
Titled: “Rear Ending The Nation”
Mad Please change “Of a plaque to “”To a plaque of Trump ” in previous limerick Thank You
A LIMERICK BY MAD KANE
Here’s a query that’s answered with ease
What do Jews do on Christmas Day, Please?
We watch movies and read
Surf the Net (dull indeed)
But mostly we munch on Chinese.
*****
From MBK:
No wonder that limerick sounds so familiar! LOL
There once was a Santa so fine
his last name we’ll now re-define:
Trump’s “Santa Claws”
with those small, deadly paws,
ripping the poor to the spine.
For all of my life, I will pine
For a girl with a body that’s fine
And some junk in her trunk
I like girls that have spunk –
But of course, I prefer that it’s mine.
We’re lifting our glasses to cheer
The end of a terrible year.
Here’s hoping that fate
In two oh one eight
Will shred Donald Trump’s fake career.
Christmas Eve she had way too much wine.
Her behavior was over the line.
Couldn’t come up with bail,
Thought she’d wind up in jail,
But the judge let her off with a fine.
Big tax cuts for the rich – ain’t that fine!?
They just worsened the poverty line.
You can hear ev’ry twerp
As they suck and they slurp
From the trough till they burp, the damn swine!
Stupid men are so hard to define
When some do (and some don’t) have a spine.
I may let one stop by
And then give him a try
If the guy can sing, “I Walk the Line.”
If you even attempt to refine
A big jerk-off like Trump, just resign!
Even if you’ve diluted
And pulled and uprooted
You just can’t fix stupid, in swine.
I don’t think I could ever confine
Any bird in a cage to be mine.
Why not just clip its wing?
Then expect the poor thing
To be happy and sing you a line!?
When your birthday rolls around, remember this…
So what if you’re one more year older?
It isn’t a burden to shoulder.
Celebrate, have some fun!
And remember now, hon,
You’re a much wiser one, and much bolder!
(Two-in-one)
If Trump would decide to resign
Along with his swampmates, that’s fine!
When you all celebrate
Go ahead, re-create
That “Make ‘Merica Great Again” line!
I had some California wine
And I’m feelin’ mighty fine
But when you tend to drink
It’s very hard to think
Of a clever and funny punch line
In the tavern she gave him a sign,
She smiled, and he ordered them wine.
They laughed and laughed more,
Then slipped out the door,
For frenzied fun sex, oh so fine.
CHANGE OF ONE WORD
Things are not so fine
For me and Michael Klein
He is VERY tall
And I’m the one who’s small
We just can’t seem to align
I’m not feeling very fine
Being a “senior” at the “Pine”
All I hear is “Guess who fell?”
And I know very well
That I’m the next one in the line
OOPS !!
I just had some Bordeaux wine
And Oh Boy, I’m feelin’ fine
But when you drink
It’s hard to think
Of a clever and funny PUNCHY line
Happy eight-year old child seemed fine,
Until x-rays showed tumor on spine.
A biopsy they took
To obtain closer look;
And we all hope next year she’ll benign.
Their holiday party was fun;
Employees united as one.
Agreements were made,
Some people got laid;
Eve’s brothel is very well run.
Jim Klein, having had too much wine,
Drove his car toward Paul Fein and Bob Hein.
Hein was hit in the back;
Fein ducked into a crack —
The niche, just in time, that saved Fein.
I pretend to the world that I’m fine
But as we launch into ‘Auld Lang Syne’
The pain I can’t hide
Seeing her by his side
I despair that he’ll ever be mine
Albert Einstein was so fine
That for him they built a shrine
But on any given day
Couldn’t he get away
To “La Zurich Hair Design?”
Tightrope walkers believe it is fine
When they walk on a cable, divine.
People say they’re high strung
And for sure are among
All the folks who like being online.
Tightrope walkers believe it is fine
When they walk on a cable, divine.
People say they’re high strung
And for sure are among
All the folks who like being online.
AFTER READING MARK’S METER LIMERICK! THIS GOES:
I had some Bordeaux wine
And I was feelin’ mighty fine
But when you tend to drink
I’s very hard to think
Of a clever “punchy” line
“Your Honor, I hereby decline
This order; it crosses the line.”
The judge shook his head;
To the bailiff he said:
“He’s channeling Trump. We’ll confine.”
A hubby who thought it benign
Took his spouse from the back and said “Fine!”
She replied with a groan
“As opposed to the prone
I’d prefer from now on the supine”
Nice acrostic there, Dave Johnson! (the one from Dec. 26)
Should old acquaintance(s) be forgot?
My opinion is certainly not !!
Your party will end
Because you haven’t made a friend
Since Abe Lincoln was dreadfully shot
ROME, GEROGIA ( FLOYD COUNTY )
At the “senior” festivities in Rome
We all drank and wrote a “cute” poem
But at the end of the night
All wasn’t right
We couldn’t find our way home
Thank you, I’m doing quite fine
Or at least no occasion to whine
It’s really not bad
Not at all sad
Maybe it’s only benign
The horns were all tooting
As the New Year gained footing
A quick little kiss
And a grab at a miss
Resulted in indignant law suiting
The naturist party was planned,
Including a hot, local band.
Engaging and loud,
They were dressed like the crowd;
So dancers would know where they stand.
Suzanne – you spotted it. Thanks!
Drink to the New Year!!
And recite a Holiday Prayer:
“No more strife
In our life
And no more orange hair”
If you chop an onion real fine
Then add a cup of wine
You’ll not only get stewed
But you’ll be considered crude
Because your breath will smell like swine
OOPS TWO YOU’LLS
If you chop an onion real fine
Then add a cup of wine
You’ll not only get stewed
But BE considered crude
Because you breath will smell like swine
There’s a cop at my door, a bad sign;
Has a dog; wants to know if it’s mine.
By the roadside, he said,
Dog gave birth. Why my dread?
I’ll be getting a littering fine.
If it’s me they should ever confine
In a prison, I might not decline
As long as they dish
Out my favorite wish –
Daily bring me Manischewitz wine!
That would help me to drown all my sorrows
With much time which no criminal borrows
‘Cause it’s free, and it’s mine
And it suits me just fine
I can drink, I can dine on tomorrows!
At the New Year’s party I was forlorn
For my hubby I felt nothing but scorn
So when he did cough
And his pants fell off
I told him to blow his own horn
NOT A DUPLICATE : BETTER !!
At the New Year’s party I was forlorn
For my hubby, I felt nothing but scorn
So when he STARTED TO COUGH
And his pants fell off
I told him to blow his own horn
I hope this season will last
It just seems to go by so fast
No one wrote a poem
It’s just me alone
And the “Ghost Of Christmas Past”
BETTER LIMERICK
I hope this season will last
It just seems to go by so fast
No one wrote a poem
I’s just me alone
WITH the ghost of Christmas past
Her beauty was hard to define —
Much more than skin deep, he’d opine,
If invited to bed her
Or encouraged to wed her
In neither case would he decline.
A wedding, and no fruit of the vine;
“Bring me water, six jars should be fine.”
So he asked for, and received,
And a miracle achieved
When the water was turned into wine.
A woman would strictly define
All her beaus by their phallic design.
If the size of their stuff
Wasn’t quite up to snuff,
“Where’s the beef?” was her withering line.
The chimney sweeps’ jobs aren’t divine,
But rarely, if ever, they whine.
It’s a well-paying trade;
They clean up when they’re paid.
It’s said that their job soots them fine.
The Christmas tree season went fine
for a farmer who peddles that line
put the acreage planned
did not meet the demand
and now he must move to re-pine
A girl thought things would be fine,
If she just plucked one fruit from a vine,
But when biting in haste,
A worm was displaced
Who said, “Hey sweetheart this one is mine.”
We will celebrate soon ― this is true ―
Thirty years since we both said “I do.”
What’s the secret? I say:
Just be kind ev’ry day.
(Giving chocolate works really well too.)
All my lim’ricks are awesomely fine.
If I may, they are simply divine.
Though I don’t know the whys
Of my telling you guys,
Since I don’t write these pearls for swine.
BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION
Papa’s “90th” was going real fine
But I think he had a bit too much wine
He stood on a table
(Best as he was able)
And said, “See those kids over there; they a’int even mine”
I know of a hangman named Stein
Who tells jokes filled with puns that are fine.
He’s cord-ial when talking,
So people come flocking.
He will string you along to the pun-ch line.
Welcome Back Konrad Schwoerke, oh and I just love ‘Pearls Before Swine’ :)
I decided that I’d take a chance
In an effort to try to enhance
The amount of good cheer
To ring in the new year
I put mistletoe into my pants
Though my actions were bold and quite brash
No one noticed or batted a lash
So all I had to show
From that damn mistletoe
Was a rather embarrassing rash.
He: “Dystopian seems to define
“This Trumpian dark world of mine.”
She: “I say screw it.”
He: “Then let’s DO it!”
They: each got undressed then supine.
With apologies to Peter, Paul and Mary
A racehorse named Stewball drank wine.
He was thirty-to-one on the line.
I’m a jailbird today,
‘Cause I bet on the bay–
Thirty days, since I can’t pay the fine.
I’m confined to a cell that’s quite narrow,
Where I’m chilled all the way to my marrow.
I’d be free as a bird
Had I heeded the word
Of Travers and Stookey and Yarrow.
Oh yes, my New Year’s was divine
There is no good reason to whine
I took to my bed
A novel I read
And settled for fruit of the vine.
T’was such a good time to recline
And savor the fruit of the vine
Ignoring the rockets
And upcoming dockets
Oh yes, my New Year’s was divine!
A look back from 2020
When we found out that Tr*mp did collude,
‘Round the world, celebration ensued.
Mueller also declared,
“Michael Pence is ensnared.
The whole enterprise is unglued.”
Since the Dems took the Congress, they knew
That they had some repairing to do.
They set out to restore
EPA and much more.
And who should be happy? Yes, you!
Thanks, Mad. I’ve missed you and this.
****
From Mad: Well, we’ve all certainly missed YOU! And Mark says hi. :)
The doctor asked “are you fine?”
If I said yes, I’d be lying
So he took a good look
And wrote in his book
“Next time avoid cheap wine”.
When involved in a celebration,
I have noticed a correlation
With the joy that I feel
Deep inside. It’s so real
That I guess it’s a core elation.
At a New Year’s Eve party, her glance
Was the start of their torrid romance.
Obsessed through and through,
They would happily screw
On a surfboard, if given the chance.
If you’ve heard this before, just say “Stop!” —
How my auntie once bested a cop:
He stopped dear Aunt Esther
And said he’d arrest her.
“What for? That’s just tools from my shop.”
“Those crowbars? I’ll give you a fine.”
“Then I’ll say that you raped me, you swine!”
“I did not! That’s not fair!”
“Well, your… tool… is right there,
Just the same as you said about mine.”
For Jews, celebrations are sweet,
With a theme that will leave us replete:
“Though our enemies tried
To commit genocide,
Yet they failed; we prevailed. Now let’s eat!”
Alas, my manners when I dine
Are quite like those of a swine.
I grunt, burp, and slobber,
A sight oh so macabre,
This decorum I will not refine.
One year later — I know that it’s rude,
But our country’s been thoroughly screwed;
And perhaps what hurts worst
Is: we weren’t kissed first.
Celebration? I’m not in the mood.
Kid, you want to get smart with me? Fine —
But that iPad you’ve got there? It’s mine.
So’s your phone, your TV
And your laptop — oh, gee!
Don’t you know I just hate when you whine?
Now, what’s the best way to define
Donald Trump? Well, apart from “That swine”,
Some believe he’s a rumor,
Some insist he’s a tumor,
But either way, wholly malign.
Half a year from the Day of St. Vitus*,
Winter weather has come back to bite us.
All this rain may be fine
For your garden and mine,
But it’s hell on a spine with arthritis.
*St. Vitus’ Day: June 28, a national holiday in Serbia. Aren’t you glad you asked?
Donald Junior thought it was fine
To conspire with the Russian combine.
But his treason, we hope,
Will be sending the dope
To a place where the son doesn’t shine.
There’s no way to define
How utterly sublime
It is to have twins
Whose every sentence begins
With, “It isn’t yours; it’s mine”
MAD Please change “With It’s not yours” to with it ISN’T yours
in previous limerick
Thank You
*****
Done
“Let’s go down to my cellar.” “Divine!”,
Said the bimbo. “I love tasting wine,
But there’s one tricky bit –
Should I swallow or spit?”
“For this tasting,” he said, “both are fine.”
Celebrations are called for today!
Though I’m ill every year, let me say
Through my coughing and sneezing
And choking and wheezing,
Fucking Christmas is one year away!
Dry Heat and Warm Cold ~
Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
But here in AZ it’s delightful,
So I’ll be just fine
If it keeps it’s confine
And won’t freeze off my ass by the biteful.
Ado Annie: “Hell, who needs a reason
Like a birthday, a job or a season?
If he says ‘Hey, let’s go!’,
Well, I just cain’t say no —
So I’ll celebrate any mood he’s in!”
If I want a home run in my inning
(What I mean is a good chance of winning),
I should save the word “fine”
For the end of the line
And not squander it at the beginning!
Damn, Mad. I meant: I should save the word “fine” / For the end of the line — will you fix it, please?
****
Done
Le’s party cuz Trump got it beat.
Say bye-bye ta dis climate change heat.
For da Man it ain’t nuttin’,
Jus’ da push of a button—
Don’t a nuclear winter soun’ sweet.
Celebrations always mean foods,
With drinks during, and as a prelude.
People tend to overeat.
On the holidays, cheat.
Then get in a penitent mood.
“I should heckle the Prez,” sighed the twit,
“But, you know, I just can’t give a sh*t.”
“Constipated? That’s fine;
You can throw some of mine —
Or just join me and curse, shout and spit.”
“Oh trust me my mind is just fine.”
Tweets Trump in his latest loud whine.
“I’m a genius and stable,
And ready and able.
I’m really like smart! Watch me shine.”
Based on Trump’s latest tweet. Details follow here:
Trump tweets
Boy! I am feelin’ just fine
I just had a jug of country wine
And when a cop said, “Halt”
I knew I wasn’t at fault
Because I walked a perfect crooked line
In a film rather hard to define,
Two lovers embrace and entwine.
No dialogue here,
Though her face would appear
To say “Hey, I got yours, you got mine.”
Donald’s brain is a bit of a mystery
It’s unbalanced, bizarre, bleak and blistery
So preserve it in brine
As a way to confine
The most backward bloodline in our history.
When will USA fin’lly confine
This old orange buffoon of a swine?
After Trump becomes forked
And in jail, he gets porked
I will drink and get corked on some wine!
Let us celebrate Donald’s decline
He’ll be out on his ass; that’s just fine!
There’s a new book in town
Turn your frown upside down
So just pass it around; it’s divine!
“Fire and Fury” I do recommend
As I’m howling with laughter, no end!
I don’t care whether you
Think it’s fake news or true,
Michael Wolff is my new bestest friend!
Donald thinks that he’s very admired
By his minions whom he has all hired.
Now won’t that be just fine
If he reads ev’ry line
Of that book? Then he’d whine, “You’re all fired!”
“I’m sorry sir, there’s a large fine
for walking, in town, a bovine.”
“Why so?”, I protest
“This bison’s the best
of America-only design!”
Said the Sine to the Cosine, “So fine
to see how our mirrors do shine!”
Then the Tangent jumped in
and said “Why be thin? —
Trigonometry’s really a trine!”
And to you,” (said the King), “I assign
this formidable task: the combine
from both Earth and Heaven
those yeasts that will leaven
the breads of all truly divine.”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 289.
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Celebration-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Steal.