Here’s a limerick I wrote a long time ago, but never posted.
Why not? Because I get more than enough attacks for my views on politics and music.
But somehow, it seems like a pretty safe time to post it:
Mr. Keillor is thought of as great.
His humorist rep is first rate.
But wit is subjective.
So please no invective
For saying: “I just don’t relate!”
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GAME at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to COWARDICE, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best COWARDICE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 10, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 9, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
Relaxation’s your aim? Play a game!
You say Sorry’s “too tame?” Scrabble’s “lame?”
Check out Uno, chess, gin.
Try for fun; not to win.
You flame out? Don’t go blaming this dame!
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DIANE GROOTHUIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a whined-rhyme and a revenge limerick:
The neighbor’s dog whimpered and whined,
Till it drove me quite out of my mind.
To stop it I stoned it,
Then shredded and boned it.
“A doggy bag? You are so kind!”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special REVENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
He filmed their encounter for kicks;
Then secretly posted the pics.
Her father, a pro
With intelligence flow,
Pursued a conviction that sticks.To those who would purposely shame
For revenge or just playing a game,
Remember this tale;
You could wind up in jail
As well as the Dick Hall of Fame.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Graham Lester, Kirk Miller, Steve Whitred, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REVENGE LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar
“To take action or not?” Hamlet whined.
“Avenging my Dad would be kind;
There are arguments for,
But against, there are more….
I simply can’t make up my mind.”
Sharon Neeman’s 2-Verser:
He scratched and he howled and he whined
As she did a full strip, bump and grind.
When she shed the last bits
And revealed quim and tits,
He thought he’d go out of his mind…On the phone, she revealed to her sister
That her husband had wronged her and dissed her.
“But I used that old spell
That you taught me so well —
Now he’s such a good doggie, my Mister!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME DIVISION)
Graham Lester:
A little while after I’ve dined,
I do something quite unrefined,
But don’t say I “puked” —
You’ll be sternly rebuked!
I’d prefer you to say I “un-wined.”
Kirk Miller:
When the judge arrived home, his wife, Kay,
Told their kids, “From your dad, stay away.
He just needs to unwind,
’Cause we’re likely to find
He is stressed from a long, trying day.”
Steve Whitred:
I’ve been whiskied, tequila’d and wined.
Inspiration’s been easy to find.
Poured out lims by the score,
Even some you’d adore,
But they all were just 3 or 4 lined.
Marty Gerendasy:
A young man was delighted to find
An exciting new way to unwind;
Had it all well in hand
Till one day it was banned.
Mom said “Stop it or else you’ll go blind!”
Randolph Wagner:
With his crotch rubbing Helen’s behind,
Paris relished their hot bump and grind.
But his Trojan attire
Sheathed virile desire.
“Bareback buggery’s better!” she whined.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (REVENGE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
As their Thanksgiving dinner drew nigh,
The turkey was starting to cry.
But revenge would be sweet
When they chewed on her meat –
She had bird flu! The diners would die.
David Reddekopp:
There’s no end to the trouble you’re in
If, Mad, you commit this great sin:
Take heed what I say
You WILL rue the day
If you don’t pick my limerick to win.
Dave Johnson:
A road-rager flashing his light
Flipped them off as he passed on the right.
Moments later they saw
He’d been stopped by the law;
“That’s him!” she said. “Thanks and good night.”
Tim James:
There once was a weirdo named Moore
Who cruised high schools and malls. But what for?
Teenage girls! If he knew them,
He wanted to screw them.
With luck, they’ll now even the score.
Brian Allgar:
He was grabbed by a fist hard as steel;
The Donald emitted a squeal
Like a pig at the slaughter.
“Hey, Dad!” said his daughter,
“This grabbing thing – how does it feel?”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
*****
Mark: I’m sorry I’m so nasty to you.
Madeleine: I’m sorry you’re so nasty to me too.
Mark: At least we can agree on SOMETHING.
*****
Mark: We make a great team!
Madeleine: Why?
Mark: We complement each other well.
Madeleine: Thanks for the compliment!
*****
Mark: “You have to hear how this [random scientific innovation] works!”
Me: “You know your techie explanations always hurt my head.”
Mark: “Can’t you at least pretend to listen?”
Me: “How convincingly do I have to pretend?”
*****
Mark: Have you ever heard “Alice’s Restaurant?”
Madeleine: Yes.
Mark. Many people have a tradition of listening to it every Thanksgiving.
Madeleine: I too have a tradition…
Mark: Great!
Madeleine: …of avoiding it.
*****
#LifeWithMarkAndMadeleine #LifeWithMadeleineAndMark
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WHINED or WINED or UNWIND at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to REVENGE, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best REVENGE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on November 26, 2017 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 25, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A besotted young man would unwind
With his girlfriend, who wasn’t too kind;
She would tie him up tight,
Then depart for the night.
He was bound to be left in a bind.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The lascivious, lewd, lazy lord
Had a harem, one hell of a horde.
Lots of sex (his sole goal)
Stopped his heart, took its toll,
As too many a hole was explored.
Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Special CHAOS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Steve Whitred:
With Max on the case we all knew
That the phone ringing came from his shoe,
That he’d miss ‘by that much’
But come through in the clutch,
And that KAOS would always ensue.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
“Please tell me, of those who’ve been whored,
Which sluts might a beggar afford
For a sexual tryst?”
He gave me a list
With the name of your mom underscored.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER and BRIAN ALLGAR, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Robert Schechter:
The Devil, no less than the Lord,
Is looking for souls he can hoard.
I’ve heard both their pitches
But still don’t know which is
The team I’ll be hopping aboard.
Brian Allgar: (The Devil replies)
If you’ve had a good time, if you’ve whored,
If when sinning, your spirits have soared,
Then you’re welcome. If not,
Maybe Heaven’s your spot,
But I warn you – you’re gonna be bored.
Robert Schechter:
All my life I have partied and whored
Since the day my umbilical cord
Was snipped, till the day
I could no longer pay,
So my virtue was sadly restored.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHAOS LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I’ve searched through my limerick hoard
For a piece about “chaos”. I’m floored!
I know there must be one,
So why can’t I see one?
My files are chaotically stored!
Sharon Neeman:
Disorder she’d always abhorred;
When the hurricane came, she was floored!
Her possessions were scattered
And ruined and shattered.
“Just take me now, Lord!” she implored.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME DIVISION)
David Reddekopp:
There once was a woman, quite bored.
She went out on the street and she whored.
But she wasn’t a looker,
And no one would book her;
Her night as a hooker: ignored.
Sue Dulley:
My nose started bleeding – good lord!
It’s blood I can little afford.
From nostrils it issues –
Now where are my tissues?
They’ve hidden themselves in my hoard.
Dave Johnson:
On display, an unusual hoard
Of artifacts nicely restored.
Erotic in style,
They remind with a smile
How debauchery scored with the bored.
Fred Bortz:
With the whole Red Light District explored,
Where each one of the horde had been whored,
The warriors returned
To their base where they learned
About STD treatments ignored.
Robert Schechter:
A group of Norwegians, a horde,
Once offered a prayer to the Lord:
“Before our life ends,
Won’t you send us a Benz
Instead of a broken-down Fjord?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHAOS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
“Chaotic” can only describe
A trip with the family tribe.
From “Gotta go potty!”
To “STOP BEING NAUGHTY!”
3:30? It’s time to imbibe.
Suzanne Heymann:
On my lap, my cute Shih Tzu had pooed.
I freaked out and then chaos ensued.
It was much worse a sin
Than just stuck to my skin;
That’s because I had been in the nude!
Sharon Neeman:
The supplies were delivered today,
And the work starts tomorrow, they say;
Now I can’t close my door —
No, nor walk on the floor —
For the boxes of tiles in the way.I’ve just had the nastiest fall
On the sink that is blocking my hall;
There’s a tap in my hat,
And I can’t find the cat,
And there’s no room to sleep here at all.
Tim James for his “Acrostic” Limerick:
Pay heed to what’s up in D.C.:
Utter chaos ’round hookers who pee.
There’s just one man who scores
In this tale of the whores.
Now look left, and you’ll see who’s the key.
Suzanne Heymann:
On climate change, Trump wants to ban it.
The ember of chaos – he’ll fan it.
He refuses to listen
To facts that he’s missin’
With actions dismissin’ the planet.The scientists have all the proof.
All their work done got scrapped by him – Poof!
He believes there is worth
In destroying the earth.
How’d his momma give birth to that goof?!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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