Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CHAOS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CHAOS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on November 12, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 11, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
I return from the shore, all restored,
Feeling mellow, no longer unmoored.
Store my oars in the shed,
Long for bed, but instead,
I check texts (I’m well-bred) from the horde.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Boating Humor, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Stress Humor, Stress Limerick, Techno-Stress, Texting Humor, Writing Prompts
The one thing the Donald abhorred
Was the torture of boredom. He’d scored
“Golden showers” (and more)
With those hookers galore,
But by now he was quite water-bored.
(Double)
The atoms swirled round in a horde
Until chaos gave way to the Lord.
“Now, let there be light!”
But it stayed dark as night –
He’d forgotten to plug in the cord.
The Senators hustled and whored;
The Koch brothers’ riches have soared,
And their dream is at hand:
When they own the whole land,
Proper slavery will be restored.
Said Vice-President Pence “Thank the Lord
That I never have cheated or whored
In a sexual way –
What I do every day
For my job makes it quite aboveboard.”
“Believe me, I’m YUGE!” Donald roared.
He’d been studied by doctors, a horde;
All they found on this prick
In the place of his dick
Was a tiny umbilical cord.
I’ve searched through my limerick hoard
For a piece about “chaos”. I’m floored!
I know there must be one,
So why can’t I see one?
My files are chaotically stored!
Said the bimbo: “Those fellows who’ve scored
Give me things that I cannot afford:
Fur coats and champagne,
Diamonds now and again,
But no money, so I’ve never whored!”
The matador found he’d been gored
In the family jewels; his hoard
Was diminished by one,
So he started to run,
But the bull got a double reward.
Said the Donald, “I got me a hoard
Of them nukes, and I’ve sent ’em toward
Rocket Man, what’s-his-name.
Hey! This video game
Is the greatest! I just bigly scored!”
The aliens came in a horde.
For intelligent life, they explored
The whole planet Earth,
But they found such a dearth,
Only dolphins received the award.
Good heavens! I seem to have got my ten in before anyone else has appeared! Has something happened that I don’t know about, like Donald Trump declaring a dictatorship?
My husband tends to hoard
Everything he’s adored
I went into that closet
And found my deposit
For the registration of our ’69 Ford
JIM’S OBNOXIOUS FAMILY REUNION
I didn’t want that horde
Of his family I abhorred
But I had to make a spread
So every one was fed
And as usual, I was ignored
I remember the first time I scored.
It was on the back seat of a Ford.
Lots of squirming and squeezing.
It was really quite pleasing.
And a lot cheaper than getting whored!
The lady on the zoning board
Told me she has never scored
“Strip Poker’s too confusing
And I don’t find it amusing
But I was considered a “ten” when I whored”
I wish I could recall where I stored
All the stuff I decided to hoard.
Thought I’d need it some day
So I stashed it away.
Now I think that I went overboard!
I have way too much stuff, yeah, I hoard.
I’ve still got things from college. Oh, Lord!
Though I’ve no room to spare,
I really don’t care.
Found the wonderful brooch I adored.
Out of chaos, will there be some light?
An escape from political blight?
I’m really depressed,
Exhausted and stressed,
There seems to be no hope in sight.
And the Beast Goes On ~
The nights would get longer, I reckoned,
as darkness and chaos both beckoned
us into the gloom
toward a long wint’ry tomb
on the dawning of June twenty-second.
Where tensions were low, there’s renewal
Where the fire dies out, he’ll add fuel
Trump’s regime is chaotic
He’s clearly neurotic
And stupid, psychotic, and cruel.
There once was a woman, quite bored
She went out on the street and she whored
But she wasn’t a looker
And no one would book her
Her night as a hooker: ignored.
CHAOS
My house is in such disarray
That I need a maid every day
It’s such a chore
When she opens the door
She gets down on her knees just to pray
The maddening chaos in my head
Is giving me a feeling of tread
As much as I try
I can’t help but cry
Should I wear blue or should I wear red ?
NOT A DUPLICATE: MY TURN TO “ENTERTAIN :FAMILY REUNION
I didn’t want that horde
Of Jim’s family, I abhorred
But I made a spread
So all would be fed
And as usual, I was ignored
OOPS! WRONG WORD
The maddening chaos in my head
Is giving me a feeling of DREAD
As much as I try
I can’t help but cry
Should I wear blue or should I wear red ?
There’s chaos in the world for sure
No one wants any more
I’m afraid of a bomb
I can’t keep calm
So I get a massage for a cure
POLITICAL CHAOS
Maybe Trump is a dream
With a silly and foolish scheme
Then you wake up
Your mate says “WASSUP?
You woke me with your deafening scream “
New Twist on an Old Nursery Rhyme
The shoe lady had children — a horde —
And their keep she could barely afford,
So she gave each a paddle
And told them “Skedaddle!”,
Inventing the phrase “bed and board.”
She says that she’s never been bored —
But consid’ring how often she’s whored,
How many have filled her
And reamed her and drilled her,
That phrase she just cannot afford.
A doubly chaotic view of the morning before renovations:
The supplies were delivered today
And the work starts tomorrow, they say;
Now I can’t close my door —
No, nor walk on the floor —
For the boxes of tiles in the way;
I’ve just had the nastiest fall
On the sink that is blocking my hall;
There’s a tap in my hat
And I can’t find the cat
And there’s no room to sleep here at all.
WORLD SERIES 2016
At Wrigley there was quite a horde
Of fans who were all on board
“Next Year’s” finally here
What their reason to cheer
The Cubs have finally scored !
OOPS ! WRONG WORD
At Wrigley there was quite a horde
Of fans who were all on board
“Next Year’s” finally here
WAS their reason to cheer
The Cubs have finally scored !
MAD PLEASE ADD THE WORD “CHICAGO” SO IT WILL READ THE CHICAGO CUBS HAVE FINALLY SCORED THANK YOU
Jim has a secret hoard
Of all the things he’s adored
I took a look
And found a book
With names of girls with whom he’s scored
Toward Ord’ from Chaos ~
The pumpkin with curly-frocked gourd
Somehow hoodwinked enough of the horde
To get them onboard.
Now we pine for our fjord
As we fight for each inch we move for’d.
His soon-to-be-ex caused great wonderment
When she showed her relations what plunder meant:
She took all that he’d scored
For her personal hoard,
Then kicked him downstairs on his fundament.
CHAOS
Jim’s relatives arrived from Prout
All they did was scream and shout
They went to an old show
Starring Marilyn Monroe
And I proceeded to lock them out
not a duplicate
CHAOS
Jim’s relatives arrived from Prout
All they did was scream and shout
They went to an old show
Starring Marilyn Monroe
I THEN proceeded to lock them out
CHAOS
Having triplets is really a pain
All they do is yell and complain
So I have a plan
I think I can
Give them to my sister Elaine
The barbarians arrived in a horde;
Their victory was easily scored.
“Forget Genghis Khan,
Donald Trump is our man!”
They swept in while democracy snored.
“I’m Republican,” thundered the Lord.
“I’ve no time for that loserly horde!
Though the poor will inherit
Far more than they merit,
The 1% get the reward.”
Well done, Mr Mueller – three scored,
Though let’s hope you will get the whole horde.
The White House is cringeing,
And Donald is whingeing:
“Impeachment? I’m underinsured!”
When I saw his enormous hoard
I was absolutely floored
What wonderful treasures
To give people great pleasures
Just remember to keep them stored
Mad Please change peoples to PEOPLE (GREAT PLEASURES) IN PREVIOUS LIMERICK THANK YOU
MAD you would think, since I was a former teacher (now retired), I would know the difference between singular and plural
“Just remember to keep THEM stored !!
*****
From MBK: Done.
He gambled, he drank and he whored
Till his wife, who was skilled with a sword,
Lost her temper one day.
So what price did épée?
Like the biblical ox, he was gored.
Disorder she’d always abhorred;
When the hurricane came, she was floored!
Her possessions were scattered
And ruined and shattered.
“Just take me now, Lord!” she implored.
(Double duty limerick with a homophone!)
Raging Bullocks ~
Great bulls ’Millo toreadored,
And with Carmen he whored and he scored.
Jose’s chaotic love
Made him kill his sweet dove
And confess to the exiting horde.
A young fellow desired to be whored,
But the price he could barely afford.
Didn’t get into bed,
Turned the gal in instead.
Now he lives it up on the reward!
A country? Or are we a horde
Of the aimless, the reckless, the bored?
Our brains go in gear
Just to find the next beer.
It’s not soon we’ll have order restored.
WHY THEY DID IT
Down the streets of Pamplona, the horde
Of macho men dared being gored.
They raced to their greeters,
The fair Señoritas,
Who bedded them as a reward.
My wife claims that I have hoard
40 years of junk in my 61 Ford
She gave me one more warning
So in the morning
I found where Jimmy Hoffa was stored
THE HOOKERS CONVENTION
The hookers were waiting to board
The conductor was totally floored
He couldn’t help but stare
To see all of them there
And loudly announced, “All Up Whored!”
try again !
My wife claims that I have hoard
40 years of junk in my Ford
So with shovel in hand
And great command
I found out where Hoffa was stored
At the bar I met “Judy” who “whored”
I have to say I was somewhat floored !
She gave me her “list”
Of all that I’ve missed
But there was nothing I could afford
NOT A DUPLICATE
My husband tends to hoard
Things that he says he’s adored
I went through “that closet”
And found the deposit
For the title of our ’61 Ford
Hilary sneaked up the hill
Accompanied by her hubby Bill
The trouble with Dems
Is they’re not all gems
Just ask Donna Brazile
NOT A DUPLICATE
Hilary sneaked up the hill
Accompanied by her hubby Bill
There’s CHAOS with the Dems
Since they’re not all gems
Just ask Donna Brazile
A few of Trump’s treasonous horde
Were recently legally gored.
The rest of his crew
Doesn’t know what to do
While Mueller is wielding his sword.
“Chaotic” can only describe
A trip with the family tribe.
From “Gotta go potty!”
To “STOP BEING NAUGHTY!”
3:30? It’s time to imbibe…
The young Catholic woman deplored her
Life in chaos. A priest then implored her
To become a young nun,
And she did. Since it’s done,
She can say that her life is in order.
CHRISTMAS RECITAL ??
We got into our brand new Ford
To hear a recital at the church of “Our Lord”
We slammed into 2 trees
Of sleeping bees
I can undoubtedly say we hit the wrong horde
Hi Mad – please remove “young” from line 2 of my posting above.
Thanks, Dave J
*****
From MBK: Done.
NOT A DUPLICATE
“CHRISTMAS RECITAL”
We got into our brand new Ford
To hear a recital at the church of “Our Lord”
We slammed into a tree
Got attacked by a bee
We undoubtedly struck the wrong horde
Beware of that blathering horde
Now sowing the seeds of discord.
From radio crocks
To those jackals on FOX,
Idiocracy can’t be ignored.
So now, Mad, your contests I’ve adored.
You have always kept them above board.
But now you’ve debased
Your linguistic good taste
Just by naming Don Trumpf and his horde.
A miser was starting to hoard
An assortment of stuff ‘cross the board.
From his cupboard extruded
Lots of junk which included
Can you believe?? The ex-calibur sword.
Chaos ensued when the horde
And their horses arrived at the fjord.
Not one brought a kroner,
Which was quite a boner,
For the ferry would not let them board.
OUR LOVABLE DOG CHEWIE
Chewie tends to hoard
Objects she’s loved and adored
But a stinky dead bird
With accompanying turd
To the dumpster was immediately stored
A CURE FOR CHAOS
Chaos causes stress
And overwhelming distress
So when in bed
We stand on our head
While singing “Roses In Bloom”
THAT WASN’T A LIMERICK !!!!! A CURE FOR CHAOS
Chaos caused stress
And overwhelming distress
So in the bedroom
We sing “Roses In Bloom”
And in kinky costumes we dress
O’er the head of The Man the truth soared
As he sought not truth, but reward
For things yet undone
By him since he’d won
His position: Great High Overlord
To call it just anti-climactic
Would trivialize every antic
From purely chaos
To merely bathos
When in truth his wrongs are gigantic
People who compulsively hoard
Have OCD which should not be ignored
People who compulsively hoard
Have OCD which should not be ignored
The very first day that she whored,
It was chaos, the numbers who scored.
As she wiped off the drips
From her face and her lips.
She said “Weather was fine, but it poured!”
Her hubby was getting quite bored
With the way that his pretty wife whored
As she told him those lies
Saying “No other guys”
He went back to sleep and just snored
Said the hooker, “It’s all over town;
Trump will know what it feels like, the clown!
He denies that he’s whored,
But with Mueller on board,
Pretty soon, Donald Trump’s going down!”
She claimed she never scored
And certainly never whored
Said her name was Katie
A very “proper” lady
And Proprietor of “La Courtesan Room and Board”
A DIFFERENT TAKE ON A PREVIOUS ONE:
When she saw his enormous hoard
She was absolutely floored
What wonderful treasures
To give people thrilling pleasures
Some things should never be ignored
When I was ten we always played “Whored”
My friend, DJT wasn’t bored
I let him caress me
And even undress me
I’m so proud his inhibitions were cured
A story is that the Lord
And the rest of His heavenly horde
Liked donuts (not jelly,
Apparently helly),
Only the holely divinely adored.
From the mammals’ aquatic collusion
To escape at the zoo, a profusion
Of mayhem ensued
Which workers soon rued.
People said there was otter confusion.
THE CHAOS OF AFFIRMATIVE ACTION IS STILL IN THE NEWS
Affirmative Action is still in the news
It’s giving some people the blues
If your son gets the job, you’re for it
If he doesn’t you surely abhor it
So think hard, my friends: which side will you choose?
I hope I don’t cause a mad horde
For things that come out of my “gourd”!
This old Tonight clip
May make vegans flip
But I, like the audience roared!
A man who was inclined to hoard
Even filled up his one car, a Ford.
But he had a rule
“My kids go to school!”
So he tied them on top with a cord.
CHAOS IN THE CLASSROOM; TEACHERS CAN RELATE
I wish I had stayed in bed
These kids are causing such dread
But I can’t get away
I know I must stay
So I’ll jump out the window instead
OH NO…Madeleine…typo in my previous…left the L-Y out of chaos line.
To call it just anti-climactic
Would trivialize every antic
From purely chaos
To merely bathos
When in truth his wrongs are gigantic
The chaos of moving’s a pain
It seems to rattle your brain
You pack and pack
Till your back’s out of whack
The movers arrive and it starts to rain
A randy old Viking named Gord,
Proposed this as he revved up the horde:
“Let us rape and then pillage
The neighbouring village
And thrust them all in the fjord.”
That randy old Viking named Gord,
Liked to tell of the lands he’d explored:
“In Venice, I’d fondle a
Maid in a gondola,
Poling her up the fjord.”
That randy old Viking named Gord,
Liked to tell of the lands where he’d whored:
“In Venice, I’d fondle a
Maid in her gondola,
Poling her up the fjord.”
A Two-in-one
Ever been in a house where they hoard?
So much crap, chaos, smell – you’ll be floored!
It is neutering, spaying
These folks need, not praying.
You’ll just end up saying, “Good Lord!”
The lascivious, lewd, lazy lord
Had a harem, a hell of a horde.
Lots of sex, his sole goal
Stopped his heart, took its toll
As too many a hole was explored.
The minister cried, “Praise the Lord!”
To his sheeple, the gullible horde
“Just keep tithing, don’t falter
Exalt my new vault, er,
I mean the new altar, restored.”
On my lap, my cute Shih Tzu had pooed.
I freaked out, and then chaos ensued
It was much worse a sin
Than just stuck to my skin;
That’s because I had been in the nude!
True story:
Her room was a chaotic mess
She would tell me (but really confess):
“Don’t clean up! Don’t get rid!
I know where it’s all hid!”
Well folks, that is my kid, sloppy Jess!
STILL ON THE NEWS ???????
Is there a Democratic horde
Who have secretly and purposely ignored
Hillary’s server
I’m just an observer
But give me a break ! I’m getting so BORED !!
The Donald Trump White House is run
On chaos; just part of his fun.
Ineptness has soared
With this blundering horde;
They race to the bottom as one.
Mad -In line 4 above, please change the last word to “horde”.
Thanks, Dave J
****
From MBK: Done.
The whole Country is going insane,
Sad and fearful thoughts now fill my brain,
I just want to hide,
Can’t take things in stride.
I’m aghast by Trump’s chaotic reign.
With the whole Red Light District explored,
Where each one of the horde had been whored,
The warriors returned
To their base where they learned
About STD treatments ignored.
A physicist’s twofer:
Our impulse is often to hoard
Or to stop what we see as disord-
er. We all wish that we
Could have less entropy,
‘Cause chaos we cannot afford.
Alas, Physics isn’t on board.
Thermo’s Laws simply can’t be ignored.
Though it’s not always pleasing,
Our mess keeps increasing
No matter how much it’s abhorred.
If you think it’s improved when you’ve stored
Every thing in its place, tied with cord,
Somewhere else it is worse.
That is entropy’s curse.
(Time to stop this before you get bored.)
JANE AGE 8 SAYS:
Sometimes when I’m bored
I go get mommy’s sword
Then I put on her high heels
(Oh I love how they feels)
And play her game called “Whored”
BLOOD CURDLING CHAOS (TO SAY THE LEAST !)
We went to the grocery store
To buy milk, cheese and more
On our ride home approached
A bear who disturbingly encroached
And ate our granola with a joyous and deafening roar
On display, an unusual hoard
Of artifacts nicely restored.
Erotic in style,
They remind with a smile
How debauchery scored with the bored.
TOO MANY WORDS LET’S TRY AGAIN !!!!!
We went to the grocery store
To purchase milk, cheese and more
On our ride home approached
A bear who encroached
And ate our granola with a deafening roar
MAD: THE LIMERICK CONCERNING “THE BEAR” IS “CHAOS”
NOT A DUPLICATE
JANIE AGE 8 SAYS:
Sometimes when I feel bored
I go and get mommy’s sword
Then I put on HER HEELS
Wow, I love how they feels
And play her game called “Whored”
OOPS CHAOS
We shopped and got quite a hoard
Of groceries at the famous Smith and Lord
On our ride home approached
A bear who encroached
And feasted on our granola bars while he happily roared
On Tuesday the Democrats scored
Over Trump and that fright-winger horde.
They’ll quicken their pace
As Republicans race
Away from his poisonous sword.
Said the wife of a Viking named Gord:
I am sick of these skulls that you hoard.
You’ve your choice of a bin,
That we’ll throw them all in,
Or, your death, at the end of my sword.
Away from the maddening horde,
Sean Spicer has found his reward.
“I’m free to relax
From relentless attacks;
And tell a few fibs when I’m bored.”
Many years ago I whored
After a while, I became quite bored
Then I had a vision
And made a decision
Now I’m a nun at the church of “Our Lord”
LIMERICK CORRECTION
We shopped and bought quite a hoard
At a store called “Peaches and Gourd”
On our ride home approached
A bear who encroached
And ate our food while he happily roared
–
I wept when my daughter whored
And was disobeying the Lord
But now she’s a call girl
I’m so proud of my sweet Pearl
The phone company’s her gracious reward
Will this scary chaos ever cease?
It seems now, only just to increase.
Corruption overruns,
Wealth disparity stuns.
We want justice, equality, peace.
My husband and I had hoard
Six months of dirty laundry we stored
But the neighbors said “PHEW”
When we had our review
So we were ejected from our room and board
The one time that I whored
I felt I really scored
I said, “not again”
That was until when
I received my huge financial reward
Our teacher was Miss Whored
We learned and we explored
The planets and sky
All the wonders up high
And how to turn a trick in the back of a Ford
Acrostic…
Pay heed to what’s up in D.C.:
Utter chaos ‘round hookers who pee.
There’s just one man who scores
In this tale of the whores.
Now look left, and you’ll see who’s the key.
You should see what my Jimmy had hoard
In his brand new turquoise and keen looking Ford
A box of condoms to give him thrills
A variety of certain birth control pills
I hope he’s happy in his New Zealand fjord
Here’s a limerick in honor of World Science Day (today):
On climate change, Trump wants to ban it
The ember of chaos – he’ll fan it.
He refuses to listen
To facts that he’s missin’
With actions dismissin’ the planet.
The scientists have all the proof
All their work done got scrapped by him – Poof!
He believes there is worth
In destroying the earth.
How’d his momma give birth to that goof?!
I’ve so many great books that I hoard,
I know well that I’ll never be bored.
But to my great dismay.
Scant space comes into play.
My bed’s the only place they’re not stored.
Before you take off in a jet,
There is one thing you must not forget:
Cancellation insurance!
Or feel the occurrence
Of chaos endurance and debt!
I explored, then ignored and got bored
At the knick-knack convention (oh lord)
The ex-hookers adored
All the junk that they stored
They’re a horde of whored hoarders who hoard.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is… Limerick-Off Award 285.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Whined.