Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TANK at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TANK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to VEGETABLES, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best VEGETABLE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on October 29, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 28, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
As a banker, I’m forced to be frank:
These loan papers read like a prank.
Are you yanking my chain
With this biz plan inane?
Kiddy trike-armor? That’s gonna tank!
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bank Humor, Banking Humor, Banking Limerick, Business Humor, Business Limerick, Business Loan Humor, Business Plan Humor, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
An eager young fellow named Hank
Took out all he had left in the bank.
Then he paid a young girl
So she’d give him a whirl,
But he had nothing left in the tank.
Eating green beans and carrots and peas
Makes you healthy and that’s sure to please.
But whenever I try ’em
Whether bake, boil or fry ’em,
All they do is just cause me to sneeze.
Said the hooker to Trump: “I’ll be frank;
Though you claim that you’re built like a tank,
It’s a tank with a belly
That shakes like a jelly,
And a weapon whose charges are blank.”
My son played a terrible prank
On the fish that I kept in a tank.
He fed my piranha
A whole green banana;
No wonder the poor critter sank.
(Double)
There aren’t many rhyme-words for ‘tank’;
I have searched, but I’m drawing a blank.
I’ve tried veggies instead,
But it has to be said
That my verse about cabbages stank.
“The people in Brussels are sprouts,
And the Germans are sour old Krauts!
Lettuce banish those fools
And their vegetable rules!”
Gustavus (a Swede) rudely shouts.
Oh this fellow was rank, he just stank.
No surprise after all that he drank!
Though he strongly protested,
The guy was arrested,
And he’s now drying out in the tank.
Said Marlowe, “Oh, how it will grow,
My vegetable love! Let me show
You my little surprise;
Open wide, mouth and eyes –
It will double in size when you blow!”
[From ‘To his coy Mistress’, by Christopher Marlowe:
“My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow”]
That huge, brawny guy, built like a tank,
Bragged he’d handle all booze that he drank.
He tried to show off,
At warnings, he’d scoff.
Like a massive, lead anchor, he sank!
He took her on a torrid wild ride,
Had her feel his huge cock, his great pride.
Felt like hard cucumber,
It sure made her wonder.
Could she fit the whole thing deep inside.
After spending the night with a skank,
He awoke with the drunks in the tank.
Blinked his eyes, said “oh dear,
What am I doing here?
Guess it must have been something I drank!”
All veggies are good for longevity,
That sums it all up, with much brevity.
We know what’s at stake,
So feed Trump chocolate cake.
Eat salads, engage in some levity.
Some wings and a steak and a frank,
Lay burned to a crisp and they stank.
Now the bottom’s burned through
On my cheap barbecue
And there’s no more propane in the tank.
Fly a plane, steer a sub, drive a tank,
Own a firm, run for Prez, head a bank —
Repugs raising voices
To curb women’s choices
Ain’t RHIP*; it’s just rank.
*Rank Has Its Privileges
The Toddler and the Goldfish
He was scared that its water was hot.
An inspired solution, he got.
It was fine in its tank.
In the fridge, it was rank
And its water was cool like he thought!
A conceited new sergeant named Hank
Took a selfie while driving his tank.
Pride precedeth a fall —
He steered into a wall…
Thirty days and demotion in rank.
There is no money left in the bank
And I starve, but eat seafood that’s rank
Oh, my one final wish
Is to scrap ev’ry dish
That contains a damn fish from my tank!
Why can’t vegetables taste more like candy?
Why, that sure would be dandy, and handy!
If I pull a few strings,
Let us see what that brings –
I’ll just cook the damn things in some brandy!
The Donald has all that he needs
For his vegetable intake. He feeds
On his own carrot-hair,
On his pignuts (guess where!),
And his brain – one or two pumpkin seeds.
“I am sick of my vegetable diet”,
The bimbo complained. “I don’t buy it –
It’s protein I need!”
And her doctor agreed:
“Just blow me, and I can supply it.”
“I’ve got so much sperm in the bank”,
Said the Donald, “They neeed a YUGE tank!
I can make myself come
Just admiring my bum,
Without even having to wank!”
For a bet, he announced rather cockily:
“I can eat twenty kilos of broccoli!”
Though he ate every bit,
He was not looking fit
As he staggered away somewhat rockily.
A saucy pert lass, when alerted
To breezes blown nippingly, flirted.
Her bearing was frank
As she donned a sheer tank:
It was pointedly quite extroverted.
“It is a nipping and an eager air.”
— Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act I, scene IV
Donald whines: “Look at Vlad – I outrank
Him, but he drives around in a tank!
Why can’t I have one too?
It’s not fair! Sob! Boo-hoo!”
All those tears made him soggy and dank.
A robber fresh out of the tank
walked into First National Bank.
“We’ve met,” said the greeter.
The con pulled his heater
and said, “I’m not drawing a blank.”
They told him that okra is called
‘Ladies’ fingers’. “I want some!” he bawled.
So he bought half-a-pound
And he wrapped them around
His own dick … but was less than enthralled.
His job was to empty a tank.
He came home from work and just stank.
His wife, though, still kissed him.
The septic vac system
Meant that he always pulled rank.
A twofer:
The Friends of the Earth always thank
Those who put veggie waste in the tank.
At their banquet the toast
Was with brews from compost.
I politely declined when they drank.
A virginal vegan might chatter
That veggies can’t chip away at her
Desire to consume
Not a fruit or legume
But a portion of meatier matter.
A mischievous nymph told a satyr,
“Because you’re a veg’table hater,
Please try, by-and-by,
My divine shepherd’s pie.”
Did the satyr await her? He ate her!
An ad by the local sperm bank
Stated “All sperm are kept in a tank.
We can’t guarantee
What race they will be
Or if one of them is a blank.”
Do you recall how we were handed
“Spoon-planes” with the food Mom demanded?
Beets and broccoli
Were spit out by me
But the chocolate cake always landed!
Inspired by Ryan Tilley
Fish
A toddler had fish in a tank
He called one absurdley old hank
He thought he was cold
His action was bold
He peed in the bowl and it stank
There was once a Russian old tank
In need of an English new crank
On a scorched black field
A sweet deal was sealed
With a Yank they made it go clank
VEGETABLE CATEGORY:
There was once a young lady named Jeannie,
Who discovered new use for zucchini.
Into her dampened slit
The gourd tickled her clit
Far much better than any man’s weenie.
Elected – a cretinous crank
Who’s shoving us into the tank.
So, how can this be
In the land of the free?
It’s Vladimir we have to thank.
A pious young lady from Kent
Decided to give up for Lent
Along with linguini,
Her boyfriend’s zucchini;
Not into her pantry it went.
In my dreams, as a very fair prank,
I’d give truckers galore a nice spank.
I’d bear down on them close,
And deliver a dose
Of my rage with my army grade tank.
My juicer is sleek and sublime;
New veggie concoctions each time.
It rendered a brew
That’s unique through and through:
Parsley, sage, rosemary and slime.
(Atheist’s Lament . . .)
I’ve plenty of gas in the tank
Of my car, and some cash in the bank;
Some fabric for stitchin’,
And food in the kitchen
But no idea whom I should thank.
Doc Jones said to eat vegetables and fruit
I bought a tomato, a carrot and a bamboo shoot
But here’s the crunch:
Every time I munch
Every one calls me “Mr Toot”
If you want a delicious treat
Have a nice fresh beet
You can later do some necking
But stay away from pecking
Because your privates will smell like feet
When Trump’s lying he’ll say, “I’ll be frank.”
Then he’ll try and use fear like a skank.
“How’s your 401(k)?”
“Pass my Tax Bill Today.
If you don’t, then the Markets might tank.”
If you enjoy asparagus
You shouldn’t make a fuss
Just enjoy your meal
It will have much appeal
But your pee will smell like pus
The old man had some time, was retired.
In the garden each day, he perspired
Growing big tomatoes
And some nice potatoes,
But the thing he grew most was just tired.
With cucumber coitus take care
From corn cobs and carrots forswear
Those little zucchinis
Resembling weenies
Or peppers; don’t put ’em up there
The scratch-pad I scrawl on is blank
Any moment my muse may just tank
I’m despondent and dazed
That the bar has been raised
And it’s Sue and Suzanne we can thank
Max’s mother, who said her heart sank
Cuz her son so excessively drank
Took a hotdog and drink
To her kid in the clink
… The great Planck ate a frank in the tank
“Your Honor,” said bank robber Reggie,
“My wife said we had to go veggie.
She threw out my steaks
And fed me kale shakes,
Which I guess made me feel kind of edgy.
Then she took all my cash and my plastic,
So I had to go do something drastic.
I **did** rob that bank —
Just so I could tank
Up on roast beef — and it was fantastic!”
Organic is better, they say;
For some, there is no other way.
Still, others resist,
It’s not on their list;
They really don’t care what you spray.
Dukakis was driving a tank;
Lurched around with a clink and a clank.
It looked really dumb,
With the worst yet to come;
Lee Atwater’s tactics to thank.
The Bush camp had wanted to stoke
White fear in our elderly folk.
Willie Horton became
The one to inflame;
Dukakis would go up in smoke.
(History lesson: Trump’s antics are nothing new).
Mama gave me kale
It tasted very stale
I’ve begun to walk slow
From my head to my toe
And I’m growing a shell and a tail
OOPS!!!!!
Mama gave me a salad of kale
But to me it tasted more like snail
I’ve begun to walk slow
From my head to my toe
And now I’m growing a shell and a tail
This rumor is true folks, I swear it
A new Vegas line, let me share it
You can gamble on who
Has the higher IQ
Is it Tillerson (Rex) or a carrot
She tried to put gas in her tank
But the screen showed no numbers, just blank.
Then her credit card stuck
‘Til a tourist (such luck!)
Pulled it out – all it took was a Yank.
There are loan sharks who swim in a tank
Where you go when you can’t get the bank
To come up with a loan
For a business you own,
Which is crazy, or is it a prank?
The weather is cold, grey and dank,
Each sundress and every last tank
top has been stashed away
Until April or May
Which is too many months, to be frank.
One veggie that I love to hate: (oh,
apart from the cherry tomato) –
More bland than wax beans
And less tasty than greens,
Is the boring-as-hell mashed potato.
Veggies are so good for you
Fresh, or even in soup
They contain vitamin C
And I can surely guarantee
That they will also help you poop
There’s a chef who cooks veggies stir-fried.
He’s adventurous, so he has tried
Using things like whiskey;
Doesn’t think it’s risky;
Says he’s taking a wok on the wild side.
DISREGARD MY LATEST LIMERICK FORGOT TO RHYME
Here’s the latest scoop
Veggies are good, even in soup
They’re full of vitamin C
And I can firmly guarantee
They’ll help you have a good poop
Doc Jones said, “Eat veggies and fruit”
I bought a carrot and a bamboo shoot
But here’s the crunch
Every time I munch
People call me “Mr Toot”
Mama gave me a salad of kale
But to me it tasted like snail
I’ve begun to walk slow
From my head to my toe
And I’m growing a shell and a tail
My new diet’s all veggies. I make
The best seaweed and pressed tofu cake.
It’s quite easy to do it:
You have to … oh, screw it!
Won’t someone please make me a steak?
I know of an ignorant bumpkin
Whose head quite resembles a pumpkin —
Though the poor fellow strains
Matching pumpkins for brains
(Which can also be said of his Trump kin).
FISH TANK BLUES
I gazed in my special tank
Looking for my “buddy” Frank (named for Sinatra)
I searched up and down
With a sorrowful frown
Either he was eaten or he totally shrank
VEGETABLES
Pump-kin rhymes with Trump-kin
To me he acts like a schlump-kin
Pump-kins are pretty
But they taste very shitty
And our leader is a frumpy old chump-kin
A cabbage head rests on the earth;
Tomatoes get fondled for worth.
Potatoes have eyes;
While a cucumber’s size
Will stand out because of its girth.
January 20, 2017
The vote had gone into the tank ―
And we had Mr. Putin to thank.
With the White House defiled
By a crude, angry child,
I’d no clue what to do. So I drank.
Said a pumpkin from Kalamazoo,
“Jack-o-lantern I wish to be too!”
But he looked like a squash,
so he got the kibosh –
now he’s part of a vegetable stew.
Said a lobster who lived in a tank,
“The gal who saved me I’d sure like to thank!
She called me a winner –
I’m invited to dinner –
HOT TUB PARTY!” he cried as he sank.
It’s an otherwise lovely hotel,
But the dining room’s gone straight to hell.
The salad was hot
And the corn soup was not;
Now, at midnight, I’m very unwell.
HE SEEMED SO NICE !!
When I married my “guy” “Keef”
He told me, “I’m the CHIEF !
I must have my vitamin K
Give it to me right away !”
So I served him my” Rhubarb a la Leaf”
If you eat corn on the cob
It’s quite an arduous job
It’s gets right in your teeth
You must yank it from underneath
Instead, try some yummy broccoli rabe
When you eat corn on the cob
It becomes quite an arduous job
It gets right in your teeth
And sticks underneath
Why not try some sweet broccoli rabe?
(NOT A DUPLICATE)
When one eats peas
Sometimes they sneeze
But more than that
They feel a little fat
Till they let out a foul-smelling “breeze”
There once was a man from Beirut
Who was paralyzed, deaf, and a mute
He was also quite gay
So the bigots would say
“He’s a vegetable, and he’s a fruit.”
The great thing about a sperm bank
Is they actually pay you to wank!
When I’m done, I hear then,
“Thank you, sir. Come again!”
I have plenty more left in the tank.
Boy Scout chef before dinner knew there’d
Be potatoes to cook. He declared,
“Each potato I peeled
In advance, which appealed
To our motto for spuds: Be pre-pared.”
I was cooking my zucchini
Then put on Giacomo Pucchini
I went into a trance
Five hours of “spinning” dance
My guests dined on a shooter of martini
(VEGETABLES)
NOT A DUPLICATE
I was cooking my zucchini
Then put on Gaicomo Pucchini
I went into a trance
Five hours of DAYDREAMING dance
EACH guest had a shooter of martini
(VEGETABLES)
Her garden’s a glorious patch
She fervently nurtures to match.
What’s planted will grow
In a tight little row
To harvest with one easy snatch.
Said Patton to a Private named Frank
“Son I don’t want to pull rank
My patience is overdue
I may have to slap you
Just get the Hell out of my tank”
VEGETABLES
Onions are a wonderful treat
They’re great on poultry or meat
The only crunch
Is that after you munch
Your breath will smell like feet
Celery is great for a diet
Have one !! You really should try it
Then when you’re done
Have some fun
And get a steak at the nearest Hyatt
(vegetables)
Two bozos had met in the tank;
Then busted for robbing a bank.
Plain stupid, it’s clear;
Or they just love to hear
The sound of a door that goes “clank”.
“I’ve the Second Amendment to thank
For keeping me safe,” hollered Hank.
“It’s my right to bear arms,
So who cares who it harms?”
Then he drove off to church… in his tank.
Did you hear about Ruthie Ann Rickles?
She used cukes for her intimate tickles,
‘Til poor Ruthie (all heedless
Of sticking to seedless)
Gave birth to a jarful of pickles.
We love to eat a vegetable
At our annual ” Fiber Festival”
Then we have to run home
(No place to roam)
Our needs are not acceptable
OOPS FORGOT A WORD
We love to eat a vegetable
At our annual “Fiber Festival”
Then we have to run home
(No where to roam)
Our needs aren’t PUBICALLY acceptable
NOT A DUPLICATE
My “doc’ said eat veggies and fruit
I bought some peas and a bamboo shoot
But the only crunch
Is after I munch
People call me “Mr. Toot”
When you eat a delicious beet
You will enjoy a nutritious treat
But stay away from necking
And avoid your pecking
Or your privates will smell like feet
Some say beans are a musical fruit
And they like how the stuff makes them toot.
It’s the butt of some jokes
And a hoax that folks coax
which evokes stupid blokes to pollute.
My two titties were built like a tank
I had dear Mother Nature to thank.
As I’m way past my prime,
I can thank Father Time
For the ultimate crime – they both sank.
ME AND MY FRIEND “BON” (Bonnie)
A cucumber is good ; your should buy it
It’s healthful and good for a diet
I went to see Bon
And said, WHAT’S GOING ON?”
She said, “You told me TO TRY IT ” !!!
Louella is built like a tank;
She’s also a major league crank.
A teller by trade,
One criminal made
The mistake of accosting her bank.
He went to her window and said
“It’s a holdup – now give me the bread.”
She sneered “You’re a punk!”
Then proceeded to clunk
A money bag over his head.
They carted the robber away;
With everyone hearing him say
“No ifs, ands or buts,
That lady is NUTS!”
Leaving tread marks is her way to play.
VEGETABLE
At the grocery store I saw
My ex mother-in law
I bought an Idaho
She said “Be sure you know:
To eat when it’s raw”
If I know that I must spend a day
With a person who brings me dismay
Like a jerk of a clerk
Or a mean boss at work,
I’ve a nice little perk to display.
There are nice, gassy veggies I eat
On the night before all of us meet
Brussel sprouts and beans haunt,
Get results that I want
And the farts that I flaunt can’t be beat!
“Eat your greens to stay healthy and strong!”
Said the hag, “then, like me, you’ll live long!”
But one look at her face
Had me out of the race
I would rather die young and be wrong!
OOPS !
VEGETABLE)
At the grocery store I saw
My ex mother-in-law
I bought an Idaho’
She said, “Be sure that you know
To eat it when it’s raw”
There was a young cowpoke named Hank
From the roundup was stinky and rank
Feeling horny and randy
He leered at cowgirl Sandy
So, she pushed him into a cow tank.
Two-in-one
All the benefits (healthwise), Mum taught ’em
But if peas could be killed, I’d have shot ’em.
Well, I got a big spank
When I filled the fish tank
With my veggies, which sank to the bottom.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 284.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Hoard.