It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A brewer’s wife, hastily wed,
Came to dread joyless hops into bed.
And so she went down
On each fellow in town.
And that’s how things came to a head.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special GLASSES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
On the naturist beach, he loves staring
At flesh that the ladies are baring.
He even makes passes
At girls who wear glasses,
Provided that’s all that they’re wearing.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ and STEVE WHITRED, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Fred Bortz:
Dear Madeleine Kane, you should dread
If my limerick’s not at the head.
Prepare for the worst
If my poem’s not first.
Your friendly extortionist, Fred.
Steve Whitred:
Don’t let Fred put a gun to your head.
You should pick one of MY lims instead;
They’re insightful and funny.
I’ll wire you money.
Ignore what that scientist said.
Fred Bortz:
Mad’s caught between two different tribes;
Arm-twisters and those who use bribes.
She can’t win for losing.
The answer is boozing.
And that’s why our leader imbibes.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GLASSES-Themed LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
“Hey, I can’t find my glasses!” he said.
“Could it be they fell under the bed?”
Then she gave him a look
And said “Don’t be a schnook.
“They’re still sitting on top of your head!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAD” RHYME DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
Since faces should never be smacked,
My friends and I made a nice pact
To give noogies instead
On the top of each head,
Even though it’s a knucklehead act.
Neal Starkman:
“Be nice now; I’ll give you some head.”
At least, that’s what I thought she had said.
I climbed into bed
But, dammit, instead,
She brought me a platter of bread.
Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:
Said Marie Antoinette at her wedding,
Let’s slip out dear and get to the bedding.
I’ll give you some head,
And I’d love to get spread,
Plus, my maidenhead needs a beheading.
Tim James:
A powerful media head
Uttered “Rosebud” before dropping dead.
So for hours on screen
They ask, “What did that mean?”
Here’s a spoiler alert: it’s a sled.
Steve Whitred:
The ex-lawyer, ex-oboist said
To her wooer, who’d just been misled:
“When I boasted, ‘You know,
I still blow like a pro,’
I was not at all proffering head.”
Will T. Laughlin:
The French executioner said,
As he mopped up a puddle of red:
“Madame Guillotine
May be wicked and mean,
But she really knows how to give head!”
Randolph Wagner:
An heiress flirtatiously said,
“All philanthropy starts in one’s bed.”
When she found a poor knave,
She indulgently gave
Him the shirt off her back and great head.
Jane Hoffman:
To lose weight, buy just one lettuce head
And with it eat one slice of bread.
That’s it for the day.
You’ll love what you weigh,
But you’ll never again feel well-fed!
Dave Johnson:
The madame quite proudly has said
“My ladies were properly bred.
Attentive and smart,
They’re well versed in the art
Of giving while getting ahead.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Do you suffer night terrors in bed?
And believe something’s wrong in your head?
Here’s a cure – sex and booze
And don’t stop! The good news?
You will probably snooze or drop dead.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GLASSES LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
I am fed up with Hollywood lasses
Who are “plain” ’til they take off their glasses;
Put that in your script,
And you ought to be shipped
To remedial screenwriting classes.
Brian Allgar:
Said the Donald, “I’m YUGE! It surpasses
The cock of your dreams! It outclasses – ”
The hooker said “Yes,
But to find it, I guess
That I’ll just have to put on my glasses.”
Sharon Neeman:
My near-sighted, shy friend Bill Shear
Solved both of his problems this year:
He got three different glasses
For meeting with lasses —
Martini, Old-Fashioned and beer.
Fred Bortz:
The rat was a pervert whose passes
Made friends think he needed new glasses.
He pursued the wrong genus–
Declared, “For my penis,
There’s nothing as sweet as mole asses.”
Tim James:
A fellow once said with a frown:
“Wearing specs makes me look like a clown;
Besides, you can tell
I see perfectly well…”
…Then walked into a door, and fell down.
Dave Johnson:
Fox News – where they sit on their asses
And blather voluminous gasses.
Each morning they’ll drool
Over Donald Trump’s rule
With a pile that would steam up your glasses.
Will T. Laughlin:
As nice as things tend to appear
Through rose-colored glasses, I fear
That it’s time to dispose
Of those glasses of rose,
And replace them with glasses of BEER.
Dave Johnson:
With Lasik, I wanted to boast
Great vision – much better than most.
It was that way indeed;
But now I’ve a need
For readers when writing this post.
Bruce Niedt:
Guys never make serious passes
(Goes the saying) at girls who wear glasses.
Said one spectacled cutie,
“They can’t see my beauty –
Their heads are all up in their asses!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
