Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: HEAD or AHEAD at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using HEAD or AHEAD at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GLASSES, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GLASSES-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on October 15, 2017 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 14, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A fellow got mad — lost his head.
Told his girlfriend, “Get out of my bed.”
But it’s best not to vent
When you’re not paying rent.
He currently sleeps in a shed.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Battle of the Sexes, Competition Limerick, Dating Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
In an email from Mad I just read,
For the seventh or eight time she said,
“I’ve just given up hope.
Will you ever join? Nope.”
(Now she probably thinks I’ve lost my head!)
*****
From MBK: No you haven’t lost your head; you have “Opposite Head.” Thanks for your entry! :)
The government’s slow as molasses
Perhaps it’s their eyes – they need glasses
To rest on each head
Which they then must instead
Remove from inside of their asses.
My face shouldn’t ever be smacked.
My friends and I made a nice pact
To give noogies instead
On the top of our head,
Although it’s a knucklehead act.
The night had just waned and was gone.
I opened my eyes with a yawn.
Her nude butt lay in bed
Really close to my head.
I woke up at the crack of Dawn.
I was driving with Amy and Fred.
As we crested a hilltop, he said,
“Many critters get hit
On this road up a bit.
Watch for roadkill. They’ll be dead ahead.”
Man slipped, hit his head; it felt numb.
A lawyer then quickly did come.
“There’s a knot on your head.
Sue the owner,” he said.
Man settled and got a lump sum.
Discount sunglasses had an appeal.
The sale price was so low ’twas a steal.
And they looked really nice,
So I thought that the price
That I paid was just simply eye deal.
Got new glasses. The frames are real slick,
But the lenses are really too thick.
They make me feel queasy;
Adjusting’s not easy.
My new eyeglasses made me see-sick.
[Title] The Hollow’s Head Might Not be Dead ~
The Grim Reaper just can’t get ahead;
Needs a pate for each body that’s dead.
In Sleepy, Ohio,
He rode a caballo
To catch one, but lost his instead.
Take Off Your Damned Glasses! ~
Three-score-plus turned my eyes to molasses.
Lost my cataracts, but still need glasses.
Far away, I see fine–
In encounters divine
The get smeared by the hind parts of lasses.
NOTE: Inspired by Mad’s Facebook limerick about Trumps’ myopic vision. (Mad Kane’s Trumpian Perspective)
Can’t See Past His Nose ~
The weather’s been tough in the tropics,
But TrumpVision’s blurred by myopics.
His rose-colored glasses
Can see only asses
When women become headline topics.
On the naturist beach, he loves staring
At flesh that the ladies are baring.
He even makes passes
At girls who wear glasses,
Provided that’s all that they’re wearing.
King Henry is tearing his hair –
A daughter! ’Tis greatly unfair.
So it’s off with Anne’s head,
And young Jane’s legs are spread …
’Tis a boy! Henry hath a fresh heir.
The hurricane came to a head,
Wrecked the island, and left many dead.
Though they begged for supplies,
To the whole world’s surprise,
The Donald was golfing instead.
My near-sighted, shy friend Bill Shear
Solved both of his problems this year:
He got three different glasses
For meeting with lasses —
Martini, Old-Fashioned and beer.
The Donald’s idea of what ‘class’ is?
He sneers at the credulous masses
Of people he cheats,
He insults them with tweets,
And views them through shit-tinted glasses.
“Hey, how stupid do folks think I am?
All this hurricane talk is a sham.
They tried to deceive me,
But I know, believe me,
It’s just a fake Democrat scam.”
I went riding with Ed, Fred and Ned —
Then along came our Cockney friend Ted.
“Gorblimey!” he cried;
“Bloody ‘ell! Wot a ride —
Four ‘orses and only one ‘ead!”
You could cut off the Orange Twit’s head —
And no one would know he was dead:
He’d just use his posterior
For thoughts far superior
And Tweet out his speeches instead.
Ooops! The previous limerick was off-topic; please ignore it.
My sight is declining. I blame it
On peering at screens; it’s a shame. It
Won’t do, though, to shirk;
I need glasses to work –
Full of whisky, or wine, or … you name it!
The bimbo was bleaching her hair.
The instructions, though, caused her to stare;
On the label, she read:
“For use on the head”,
So she sat on the loo – but why there?
The head-hunter keeps by his bed,
In a bottle, the President’s head.
But he often complains
That it’s empty of brains;
“Should’ve gone for Obama’s instead.”
Said the Donald, “I’m YUGE! It surpasses
The cock of your dreams! It outclasses – ”
The hooker said “Yes,
But to find it, I guess
That I’ll just have to put on my glasses.”
The Captain said “Full steam ahead!
That iceberg is nothing to dread.
A danger? Unthinkable!
We are unsinkable –
Well, that’s the claim that I’ve read.”
King Henry was wont to behead
His unfortunate wives. “Well,” he said,
“I was fond of them all,
But they rapidly pall,
And I need fresh delights in my bed.”
His grounds for failure were quite lame
Craftily deflecting the blame
She bored him in bed
Never gave good head
Hence the reason he never came
Wish we could say, “Off with his head!”
Though not nice to wish anyone dead,
With The Unqualified Despicable,
A desire, explicable.
Impeach the cruel bastard, instead.
Her guy loved that she gave him great head,
Whether standing or lying in bed,
She knew what was desired
But she was so tired
Wanted just to be cuddled, instead.
I wish you would wake up, use your head!
Believe what you’ve seen, heard, and read!
Racial justice, so needed,
I hope you’ve conceded.
Those in power have you hugely mislead.
He panicked, his glasses were gone,
Not in the bedroom, the kitchen. or john.
He was filled with great dread
Were on top of his head.
They fell down when he stretched with a yawn.
To Parker’s quote, with quite clever hook,
This is the true rejection outlook:
“Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses.”
‘Cause the gals see how bad these guys look.
‘Twas a hot steamy night at Club Med
As she lay all alone in her bed.
She would somehow survive
‘Til her guy would arrive.
Then they’d go at it full speed ahead!
“Hey, I can’t find my glasses!” he said.
“Could it be they fell under the bed?”
Then she gave him a look
And said “don’t be a shnook.”
“They’re still sitting on top of your head!”
Well, yes, last night I was well fed
And drank too much, ere going to bed.
Tossing and turning,
With desire burning
I passed out; awoke with aching head.
Lay quivering in his bed
Blanket pulled over his head
‘Whizz bang and pop,
Please make them stop
I’m waiting for walkies’ he said
Ad update from October 1, 2017 at 1:13 am: I added a second verse:
NOTE: Inspired by Mad’s Facebook limerick about Trumps’ myopic vision. (Mad Kane’s Trumpian Perspective)
Can’t See Past His Nose ~
The weather’s been tough in the tropics,
But TrumpVision’s blurred by myopics.
His rose-colored glasses
Can see only asses
When women become headline topics.
You noticed this when he met Merkel.
His mind, put aside, flew a circle.
He wouldn’t shake hands
Because Trumping demands
He grab pussy–he’s both Hyde and Jerkel.
Being stopped by a trooper I dread
When I’m driving my car getting head
The prospect of prison
Brings down what’s arisen
What’s more, the girl’s not who I wed.
The rat was a pervert whose passes
Made friends think he needed new glasses.
He pursued the wrong genus
And declared, “For my penis,
There’s nothing as sweet as mole asses.”
They’d vote for me if I was shootin’
On Broadway and Fifth, you’re darn tootin’.
My brain could be dead,
And I’d come out ahead
Thanks to my good friend, Vlad Putin.
The rat was a pervert whose passes
Made friends think he needed new glasses.
He pursued the wrong genus–
Declared, “For my penis,
There’s nothing as sweet as mole asses.”
An oldie-but-goodie, resubmitted:
When your cats and dogs jump on your bed
And start doing a dance on your head,
You may think that they’re playing
But what they’re really saying
Is “hey get up, we wanna be fed!”
The sexy young techie amasses
Cool eye ware for company classes.
When feeling a need
For an amorous deed,
She fondles her horny-rimmed glasses.
What a migraine in my head !!
I can’t get out of bed
My boyfriend Lee
Walked out on me
And said “Find another head”
OOPS I USED HEAD TWICE !!!!!
What a migraine; I wish I were dead !!
I can’t get out of bed
My boyfriend Lee
Walked out on me
And said, “Find another head !!
My new trifocals are a shiny red
So I put them on my head
The curb looked quite easy
And then I got queasy
Now I’m officially dead
Sunglasses at the Beach
When you leave them on top of your head,
You will wish you had left them instead
And your spouse will agree
As they wash out to sea
That your smirk and your glasses are dead!
Prescription Sunglasses at the Beach
When you leave them on top of your head,
You will wish you had left them instead
And your spouse will agree
As they wash out to sea
That your fun and your glasses are dead!
I can’t seem to get ahead
I take all my books into bed
I bring my sixlets
The are yummy like Chicklets
But now all the words are covered in red
REVISION
My new trifocals are a shiny red
Excitedly I placed them on my head
Was this curb really easy?
I’m feeling quite queasy
I think I’ll take the train instead
SYLLABLE CHANGE
What a migraine; I wish I were dead!
I can’t get out of our double bed
My boyfriend Lee
Walked out on me
And said, “My Dear, find another head”
The madame quite proudly has said
“My ladies were properly bred.
Attentive and smart,
They’re well versed in the art
Of giving while getting ahead”.
I have a pounding in my head
It’s a premonition of total dread
Here it comes
I hear the drums
My husband bought a water bed
My sister has such a big head
That when searching for a bed
She had one made
To fit a brigade
Now she’s shopping for matching spread
(This is out-of-competition, because I wrote it many, many years ago…)
I notice, whenever he passes,
His face is the same as his ass is.
You can’t even tell
Them apart by the smell,
Though his face is the one that wears glasses.
Late for school, couldn’t get out of bed
I’ve been summoned to see the head
In a fait accompli
No detention for me
Sir’s been given the sack instead
DATING AD
I answered an ad from a guy named Fred
He sounded so nice, and very well-bred
He’s a real “go getter”
(What could be better?)
This man really wants to get ahead
Jim’s invention for a balding head
Was a toupee one puts on with a sticky spread
He sold 25
We took quite a dive
One might say we are in the red
As a child I was made to wear glasses
To school and to all of my classes
The boys were so rude
I then thought them crude
But today I would say they were asses
Their words would play games with my head
I’d cringe at the taunts that were said
Until I would learn
Their rude words to spurn—
To be kind to my own self instead
The missus rumbled our affair
When she came across a blonde hair
In the marital bed
(The wife’s a red head)
Now it’s curtains for the au pair
The French executioner said,
As he mopped up a puddle of red:
“Madame Guillotine
May be wicked and mean,
But she really knows how to give head!”
Down the mountain a snow boarder sped;
With recklessness skiers would dread.
On a sharp turn he learned
That gravity spurned
Can re-route the course dead ahead.
From the bunk room where I lay a-bed
Through our sub I raced up to the Head:
Threw the door, ‘s if on cue
I threw up in the loo:
Made a mess of the mess I was fed.
“Be nice now, and I’ll give you some head.”
At least, that’s what I thought she had said.
I climbed into bed
But, dammit, instead,
She brought out a big platter of bread.
Mad – on my posting above, I’d like line 5 to read:
“Can re-route the course dead ahead.”
Thanks, DJ
*****
From MBK: Done.
CATHOLIC UPBRINGING
I felt a push of a little head
I stood on the altar; a feeling of dread
The priest arrived
I guess I survived
He hurried and said, “You two are now wed”
Linda Blair could turn her head
Completely around, while lying in bed
Then came the goop
(It was really pea soup)
If this is acting, we were all misled
The congressman straightened his glasses;
Co-sponsored a bill that now passes.
“Pro-lifer!” he bleats
‘Though not ‘tween his sheets;
Defines what a hypocrite ass is…
A fellow once said with a frown:
“Wearing specs makes me look like a clown;
Besides, you can tell
I see perfectly well…”
…And walked into a door, and fell down.
Marilyn Monroe could get passes
Wearing or not wearing her glasses;
Playboys cared not a trifle
For she proved a real eyeful
As one of Hef’s mem’rable lasses.
My anger I tried to supress
But he knew which buttons to press
I finally saw red
With one whack on the head
He got his comeuppance, I guess
As nice as things tend to appear
Through rose-colored glasses, I fear
That it’s time to dispose
Of those glasses of rose,
And replace them with glasses of BEER.
An heiress flirtatiously said,
“All philanthropy starts in one’s bed.”
When she found a poor knave,
She indulgently gave
Him the shirt off her back and great head.
When I was a kid I wore glasses
Like Cronkite and Jackie Onassis
And we fought the good fight
For what clearly was right
Unequivoc’lly now there’s morasses
A Note to the Judge
Dear Madeleine Kane, You should dread
If my limerick’s not at the head.
Prepare for the worst
If my poem’s not first.
Your friendly extortionist, Fred.
In a bar once while using the head
Some words on the wall rightly said,
“I’m not to blame
For spoiling your aim,
If you’ve peed on your foot while you read.”
To lose weight buy one lettuce head
And with it eat one slice of bread.
That’s it for the day.
You’ll love what you weigh,
But you’ll never again feel well-fed!
(Glasses? Well, a glass, anyway…)
Oh, pity the fellow I chronicle,
Whose cock is disturbingly conical —
An appearance he tries
Very hard to disguise
With a tiny top-hat and a monocle.
He went to the doctor with dread;
“There’s a tingling on top of my head.”
“Well, let’s have a look…”
In unveiling, it took
Not a hat, but his boxers instead.
I decided to get back with Fred
He is very cute and good in bed
I got all dolled up
Saw him hugging Buttercup
That will teach me not to plan ahead
I’m fed up with Hollywood lasses
Who are “plain” ’til they take off their glasses;
Put that in your script,
And you ought to be shipped
To remedial screenwriting classes.
With Lasik, I wanted to boast
Great vision – much better than most.
It was that way indeed;
But now I’ve a need
For readers when writing this post.
There was an old man in a tree
Whose eyeball got stung by a bee
He fell on his head
By the time he was dead
His wife drank his tea with the bee
With Halloween hair on his head,
Our onion-skinned “leader” has said
He’s much smarter than Rex.
Bob Corker suspects
His daycare provider has fled.
Fox News – where they sit on their asses
And blather voluminous gasses.
Each morning they’ll drool
Over Donald Trump’s rule
With a pile that would steam up your glasses.
If you’d like to just get ahead,
Please talk with this fellow – Ted.
He’s robbed several banks
But always says, “Thanks!”
Instead of filling folks with lead.
The doctor said, “What a fat head!
But the brain does appear to be dead
As I wait for a yelp
From the cat on his scalp
The poor critter needs help to get fed!”
Bring your spectacles, testicles, wallet
And your watch, plus your whatchamacallit
Before leaving the house
Don’t forget – kiss your spouse
Or your supper’s a mouse! (she’ll first maul it)
Do you suffer night terrors in bed?
And believe something’s wrong in your head?
Here’s a cure – sex and booze
And don’t stop! The good news –
You will probably snooze or drop dead.
When the two kissing nerds’ lips got soggy
It had steamed up their glasses – so foggy!
Their passion, freewheeling,
Did float to the ceiling,
Then both woke up, feeling quite groggy.
I heard a voice in my head
My guardian angel said
“You have another wrinkle
And all night you tinkle
But, my dear you still are not dead”
What if God made our head
So that we all could only see red
Everyone’s hair
Would have that certain glare
And by now we would all be dead
I used 2 cups of molasses
To make “steak a la Onassis”
The recipe said
Never use brown bread
I should have been wearing my glasses
A powerful media head
Uttered “Rosebud” before dropping dead.
So for hours on screen
They ask, “What did that mean?”
Here’s a spoiler alert: it’s a sled.
SENIOR CITIZEN’S DILEMMAS
A little angel sat on my head
And said, “Don’t worry, Dear, you’re not dead !
But when you open your eyes
You’ll see a surprise:
You have tinkled in your bed”
Four glasses of water, they say,
To round out your diet each day.
That suggestion is smart;
I’ll take the first part
And go with a nice Cabernet.
SENIOR CITIZEN DILEMMA:REVISION
A little angel sat on my head
She told me that I wasn’t dead
“But when you open your eyes,
You’ll have a surprise
Because you tinkled in your bed”
She had gotten ahead ‘Giving Head,’
But her future has changed it’s been said;
With gals taking over,
She’s now out of clover.
No more play, only work, which she’ll dread.
So far he’s stayed one step ahead
Of women determined to wed.
He knows this is wrong,
But he strings them along,
Because he enjoys them in bed.
Trump’s immigrant spouses both claim
“First Lady” as part of their name.
“SO TRUE!” reads the thread
From our man-baby head;
“And Marla could jump in the game.”
(Yes, yet another variant on Ann Boleyn and Henry VIII)
“My Henry’s so shy”, the Queen said.
“He just sent two men in his stead
To measure the size
Of my neck. I surmise
That he’s hoping I’ll give him good head.”
A brewer’s wife, hastily wed,
Came to dread joyless hops into bed.
And so she went down
On each fellow in town.
And that’s how things came to a head.
For his wife he had planned far ahead;
They’d enjoy themselves naked in bed.
All eight kids are away,
So it’s time for their play,
But exhausted they nod off instead.
There once was a mullah named Hed,
Who wished he been Jewish instead.
He got recircumcised,
Grew a beard to his thighs
And spooned with the Torah in bed.
Said Marie Antoinette at her wedding,
Let’s slip out dear and get to the bedding.
I’ll give you some head,
And I’d love to get spread,
Plus, my maidenhead needs a beheading.
Guys never make serious passes
(goes the saying) at girls who wear glasses.
Said one spectacled cutie,
“They can’t see my beauty –
their heads are all up their asses!”
Our chemistry prof often passes
such wind that it fogs up our glasses.
Said the flatulent guy,
when when all asked him why:
“We are studying ignoble gases!”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over.
And the winner is… Limerick-Off Award 283.
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the GLASSES-Themed Limerick Winner, the Limerick Repartee Award Winners, and to the Honorable Mention winners.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Tank.
I can’t believe I forgot to post on the blog (besides the facebook page), so I hope you don’t mind that I post mine posthumously, just for the record…
The doctor said, “What a fat head!
But the brain does appear to be dead
As I wait for a yelp
From the cat on his scalp
The poor criitter needs help to get fed!”
Bring your spectacles, testicles, wallet
And your watch, plus your whatchamacallit
Before leaving the house
Don’t forget – kiss your spouse
Or your supper’s a mouse (she’ll first maul it).
Do you suffer night terrors in bed?
And believe something’s wrong in your head?
Here’s a cure – sex and booze
And don’t stop! The good news?
You will probably snooze or drop dead.
When the two kissing nerds’ lips got soggy
It had steamed up their glasses – so foggy!
Their passion, freewheeling.
Did float to the ceiling,
And both woke up feeling quite groggy.
You look sexy with glasses in place
I’m just dying to kiss a-you face!
A smart head on that neck
Makes me melt all to heck
It’s a sapiosexual case!
Oh, you know I just love getting head
I swallow and drink it in bed
On beer that I’m drinking
In glasses we’re clinking
Why, what were you thinking instead?
Dark sunglasses are worn by a star
So that nobody knows who they are
But when someone finds out
Who they are, then they pout
And take off in, no doubt, a fast car.