Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TRAIN at the end of any one line. SEE UPDATE 5 (September 2)
UPDATE 5 (September 2) — On the off chance that anyone is still interested, I’ll be resuming my Limerick-Off challenges on September 17.
UPDATE 4 — AUGUST 20: I’m making progress and hoping to resume my Limerick-Offs mid-September. In the meantime, feel free to continue writing “train” rhyme limericks and limericks with any of these themes: GARDENING, DOCTORS, SUMMER FUN, &/OR CAFFEINE.
UPDATE 3 — AUGUST 5: Limerick contest results will CONTINUE to be delayed while I continue to recuperate from wrist surgery. (My apologies! But unfortunately, lots of physical therapy is required!) In the meantime, here’s YET ANOTHER theme for your limericks: CAFFEINE.
UPDATE 2 — JULY 21: Limerick contest results will CONTINUE to be delayed while I recuperate from emergency wrist surgery. In the meantime, here’s YET ANOTHER theme for your limericks: SUMMER FUN.
July 7 UPDATE: Limerick contest results will be delayed while I recuperate from emergency wrist surgery. In the meantime, here’s another theme for your limericks: DOCTORS.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TRAIN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GARDENING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GARDEN-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on July 9, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 8, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A man was attempting to train
His young pooch to pee fast in the rain.
The obstreperous pet
Just adored getting wet,
So it lingered – dry clothes down the drain.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Animal Training, Dogs Humor, Dogs Verse, Limerick Contest, Pets Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Rain Limerick, Training, Weather Humor, Writing Prompts
Trump’s Replacement: A Small Common Mammal
Some err, saying cats, one can’t train
(New rhyme word! I couldn’t restrain
Myself). Unlike Trump,
Our (p)resident lump,
Most cats have at least half a brain.
I find flying from Boston to Maine
Isn’t worth it — in fact, it’s a pain:
It’s really too silly —
They go via Philly!
So next time, I’ll just take the train.
A gardener in sunny Iberia,
In a rage, ripped out all his wisteria:
It won’t grow well in Spain
And it’s too hard to train —
Which drove him to total hysteria.
It used to be great fun to fly,
Soaring thousands of feet in the sky.
But now flying’s a pain
So I’ll get there by train.
You can say I’m a well-grounded guy!
With no heart, no courage, no brain
The orange turd is a runaway train
An atheist I’ve been
But I’m prayin’ again
For divine intervention to reign
Those who know me will laugh at my verse
They know I think religion’s perverse
But until they impeach
That orange sonuvabeech
I’ll resist and pray things don’t get worse.
Said a woman who was asked to explain
Why husbands were easy to train,
“With a beer at hand
They’ll obey your command
As the reward outweighs any pain.”
In his hut next to Chatterley’s garden
Lady C made her lover’s cock harden
Flowers twined round his shaft
As he thrust fore and aft
(Which was painful until they put lard in).
Third line spell checked. Should be
It takes a man with a pea coal sized brain
Save the miners jobs, really, insane
The world has the range
Solar, wind power, change
Stead of riding this smart Alex coal train
Why drive? You can take a cool train,
Though waiting in the station’s a pain.
Please don’t overdress;
No jewels in excess.
From all ostentation, refrain.
We’re watching the wreck of a train,
Try to stop it- it just seems in vain.
The US is dying,
It’s quite horrifying.
The people are held in disdain.
He met a luscious gal on a train,
Took her home, got her high on champagne.
Then she stole his cash,
Was gone in a flash.
His attempt to exploit her, her gain.
Want me to dominate you and train?
Need to know if you can stand the pain,
Want restraints and whips
While I gyrate my hips?
The pleasure will drive you insane.
In a formal, she thought she could “pass”
And convince her new date she had class —
But it all proved in vain
When she tripped on her train,
Tore her skirt, and revealed her sad @$$.
The euphemism above is because the site didn’t let me post the first time and I thought it might be because of the word…
My muscles you want me to train?
I think you must be insane.
I’m too lazy, I fear
And I don’t want to hear
The refrain about “No pain, no gain.”
A lovely young woman in Spain
Had a camel she wanted to train!
She said, “Oh my dear,
There are no trainers here,”
So they hopped the next flight to Bahrain!
Makes no difference how hard I might train,
My old dog won’t go out in the rain.
She’ll start out and then stop
When she sees that first drop.
Which explains why the rug has a stain.
She learned how to plant some tomatoes,
Cucumbers, along with potatoes.
His interests were sly
For a wandering eye;
Grow coconuts down in Barbados.
So I thought and befuddled my brain
About not getting caught in the rain
See-through Macintoshes
Designer galoshes
Or, simply, I could take the train.
Good one, Madeleine. I love trains, but there are few choices left in Canada, just the Trans Canada, and commuter-trains in major cities. Sigh. Luckily for me, the transcontinental freight train passes through our little town just as I am about to fall asleep. I love it. A lullaby for me.
So, two offerings on the same theme and one for ‘obfuscation’ — what a great word. One wonders, is it also a verb…can I obfuscate? I suspect so.
Obstruction obfuscation
All across your great nation—
Canadian wonders
As Trumpery thunders
If the US will e’er find salvation.
Back to my two train limericks…I like the first one best.
K
Halifax-bound on a train
I want to do it again
It would be cheaper
To forego a sleeper
And ride the rails ’cross the plain
I once took a trip on the train
From the Rockies all ’cross the plain
With a comfy bed
And sure to be fed
So I now want to do it again.
Said Adam “I do beg your pardon
I’m not sure what to do with this hard on”
Said Eve ” Dont repent
when your serpent is spent
From cumming to rest in my garden”
A pet can be easy to train
If it understands what it will gain.
Dogs love to run,
Learn to fetch and have fun;
While cats have to see you in pain.
We should tend our garden, said Voltaire,
But we DO understand, we’re aware.
Rocket science, it’s not:
A vast corporate plot.
They’re counting on us not to care.
Hot sex in a wildflower garden,
Exciting to feel my guy harden.
I went down on my knee,
But then something bit me
I’ve got to get out of here! Pardon!
More runners are starting to train
With watches displaying their gain.
They met in a race;
Later on at her place,
Two Fitbits were going insane.
Here’s gardening tip Number One:
Make sure all the implements run.
If your tiller goes down,
Don’t grumble and frown;
A go with a hoe might be fun.
A rake who would make women glow,
Took up gardening, started to sow.
He was rather amused
That his friend was confused
When he said that he wanted a hoe.
Eyes met as they boarded the train.
With cars at their rhythmic refrain,
He walked down the aisle
And she gave him a smile;
“Hey Pete – how’s the wife in Duquesne?”
By his trainer the boxer was told,
“Put your wintertime running on hold.
Don’t go outside to train
In the winter; it’s pain-
Ful. Beware that you might be out cold.”
One entry for both categories:
When Balboa went out west to train
For his next fight, and hope to remain
The champ, over Creed,
I guess he would need
To work out on a “Rocky” terrain.
In the Garden of Eden, young Eve,
Saw the Serpent, who made her believe,
That if she trims her bush
(And the hair on her tush),
It’ll want to make Adam conceive.
Eating donuts allows you to gain
Many nutrients, so athletes train
By eating a bunch
For breakfast and lunch.
And why not? They are made of hole grain.
I know of a gardener, Lynn;
From morning ’til night she has been
In an herb garden where
She works over-Thyme. There
She stays ’til it’s time to cumin.
A gardening lady named Fran
Said “I’m in real need of a man.”
She found a young buck
Who knew how to……pluck
Tomatoes as fast as you can.
He gardened at first in much terror.
His crops, bad at first, became fairer.
And today he’s become
Quite a man with green thumb.
He learned it by trowel and error.
“I’ve been hoeing the garden,” said Kirk.
“It’s important that I never shirk
This foundational task.”
“It’s important?” you ask.
“Well of course, it is groundbreaking work.”
In my garden, the mockingbirds creep.
Red tomatoes each day they do reap.
It’s their garden café;
To their friends they all say,
“Get the early bird special; it’s cheep.”
A bountiful garden was found
At the White House, on rich, fertile ground.
Michelle took great care;
But the Trumps are now there
With gold-plated shrubs all around.
I was so excited to take the train
To the campus town of Urbana-Champaign
But the driver was drunk
Which put me in a funk
And I never got to marry my darling Elaine
Two fugitives, Buzzy and Jase,
Were trying to flee to a place
Far away from their crime;
Not spending much time
To think, with the cops giving chase.
So Amtrak was chosen to let
Them escape from the officers’ net.
As they waited in vain
For their run-away train,
Arrested was all they would get.
(A true story)
NOT A DUPLICATE
I was so excited to take the train
To the COLLEGE town of Urbana-Champaign
But the driver was drunk
I was in a blue funk
And I never made it to marry Elaine
GARDENING AND THE WORD TRAIN IN ONE
I escaped on the very first train
To a town that’s known as Des Plain
My zucchini wasn’t a hit
It tasted just like shit
And my neighbors came down with ptomaine
My parrot is easy to train
By repeating again and again
The words that I choose
Him to utter: “Fake news!”
Yes, that bird has a President’s brain.
“There are plenty of good things to munch
In my garden,” said God, “so to crunch
Up my Golden Delicious
Was naughty and vicious –
I’d been saving that apple for lunch!”
The Garden of Eden (a recycled hat-trick of mine):
While gardening au naturel
With an amorous mademoiselle,
Adam struggled to hide
The spry sprig Evie spied
As her earthy appeal made it swell.
A fig leaf or two could have cloaked
The display of desire she provoked.
“Don’t try to be coy,”
She exclaimed, “That’s a toy
That is ripe to be fondled and stroked.”
Prickly brambles and burrs weren’t impedin’
The fertile exchange that was leadin’
To seed being planted
And fantasies granted
Amidst their intemperate Eden.
A new spin on an old nursery rhyme:
Whilst tending her garden, Miss Mary
Is wary her maids lust for Larry
Who works there as well.
His immense cock’ll shell
Out delight leaving Mary contrary.
Pardon the Garden
Plan: Wedding. Fanfare, lots of drama
Involving the groom’s aunt, Big Momma.
The forecast is rain,
Vintage pearl bridal train;
Invitations (gasp) left out a comma.
The couple looked on in faint hope
They’d manage to (somehow, please!) cope:
Big Momma was thunder
With nary a blunder.
They wished she would slip on some soap,
Just a small cake: no injuries large
(Big Momma was built like a barge).
Except for the passive
With finances massive,
For weddings, brides should be in charge.
If the young groom and bride
Still remain side by side
Oops, Mad, meant to delete last two lines!
Thanks, Patrice ~
I love my vegetable garden
I’m glad it’s so near
But when I slipped on the dirt
And ruined my skirt
I stood up with a cucumber in my ear
When I got on the train
I saw my old friend Mary Jane
We had a lot of fun
But I had to run
‘Cause I was told “Never come back again”
Ah, Newlybeds
The groom, young and eager to “train”
His wife re: new lovin’ terrain,
Broke two toes ‘gainst the bed
And sat moaning instead.
Then said she, Babe, I just can’t refrain
From telling you I can do more
Than Deedee (their high-school class whore)!
His eyes lit up at that,
She knelt down as he sat…
“Score” four: toes? What are those? Just ignore.
Ann’s A Trouper
Portland OR: a friend exits the train,
En masse crosses the tracks but in vain.
Trips and falls, breaks her nose,
Tears her lip, rips her clothes…
Healing fine. Next month, Amtrak again! :)
(True incident)
Rode Her Ter-rain
Her musical brogue was most charming,
Her multiple assets disarming.
As he stepped off the train,
Grin collapsed in the rain:
Wallet?! Travel risks can prove alarming.
A garden enthusiast, Fred,
Dismembered his wife in the shed
With a circular saw,
Then his mother-in-law,
And planted them both in the bed.
Once Bitten
Just two fast ships that passed in the night,
Her neck sported an obvious bite.
Wished she’d taken the train?
It’s so painfully plain
(But she wouldn’t complain!)
That she had an unusual flight.
Ain’t Just Whistlin’ Dixie
An old lady at Elm Street and Main
Scolded children who wouldn’t refrain
From their games on the track.
They looked forward, not back,
As along sped the 3:40 train.
Close your eyes! Did they make it, you wonder?
The train engineer cursed the thunder
And downpour that sounded.
He’ll always feel hounded;
Those kids won’t repeat any blunder.
Taint and ConSTRAINt
The laughing troupe boarded the train.
Wine flowed, which led them to detain
Their young leader abed.
It had gone to his head:
Such a strain when one must entertain
A trainful of lobbyists, boors
Apparently! (All called for Coors.)
The troupe’s dancing and singing
Backdropped the pols’ clinging
To seats as they barfed on the floors.
They scanned the railcar with disgust
As the beer-fueled “boys” staggered and cussed;
Exited next station,
An unplanned vacation!
Location? It’s Belgium or Bust :)
Rain in the Brain
Sporadic attempts to retrain
My brain: mixed results, in the main.
Is it only vanity
Insisting my sanity
Exists? If you know, please explain!
I met my friend on the train
She says she has an ache in her brain
And the pain in her nose
Goes right down to her toes
At least she doesn’t complain
A horny old preacher from Blaine
Had singers he wanted to train.
Having said with a grin:
“Hands on ain’t a sin…”
He groped a soprano named Jane.
At the “Garden Zoo” in Maine
There’s a “Vegetable/ Animal” train
You hold a parrot
And sit on a carrot
Till it makes its way to your brain
NOT A DUPLICATE
When I got on the Metro train
I saw my old friend Mary Jane
We had a lot of fun
But I had to run
I was told “Never come back again”
NOT A DUPLICATE
I Love my vegetable garden
And I’m so glad that it’s near
But I slipped on the dirt
And ruined my skirt
I now have a carrot in my ear
The Rain in Spain, aka Italian Suck-sess
A handsome young buck took the train,
Rode and fondled his way across Spain.
Asked why they allowed it,
“Rain, boring!” He bowed. “It
Amused: I’m-a good!…whether vain.”
(And you won’t hear the ladies complain.)
Another London Eye
Burt got off above Kew Bridge Station
Where prancing drew eyes, speculation;
Cops appeared to detain
Him but slowed by a train,
He showed Dick to a most grateful nation.
(Sev’ral snaps caught Burt’s naked elation.)
Feeling Jumpy
Train, train, go away, don’t come back!
You’re so noisy, a dangerous black.
In his mind looms The Train:
He’s insane but it’s plain
To see, next time she might jump the track.
Excitations
A lean, muscled biker named Farley
Was doing it next to his Harley
By the tracks. Rad, a train!
“Good Vibrations” refrain
Was heard after. She: Dude, that was gnarly.
TRY AGAIN !!!!!
I escaped on the nearest train
To a town that’s known as Des Plain
My zucchini tasted like shit
It surely wasn’t a hit
And my neighbors came down with severe ptomaine
I met my pal on the train
Her name is Claudia Jane
She’s a very true friend
And in the end
I trust her come shine or come rain
Diane and Andrea, Thanks for My Wake-Up Call
Have you ever met up for a date
With a close friend who’s “just running late”?
Catch a cab, take the train!
(Am I rich? Nix the plane.)
She’s irate ’cause I’m making her wait!
I’ve been told I respect no one’s time.
Was that true? I committed a crime?
Put myself in your place:
Did I want to fume, pace?
Always late, family trait…”Here’s a dime!”
Complacent, I coasted along,
Testing limits with friends – clueless, wrong.
Two were brave and confronted
Me: I cried, affronted.
It’d take getting smacked by a gong
(My problem had gone on so long…).
Lateness cost me jobs too; I’d ignore.
I once was that person: no more.
It’s a quarter to four.
There’s still time, mop the floor?
Meet at five! Nope. Grab purse, out the door! :)))
(There is hope for the chronically late. I finally “got it” for good in my late 50s, with the help of valued friends. Being smart, apologetic and charming won’t save you ~ I know!)
Felines Train Humans: Read All About It
Our cats lead the good life of Riley.
My husband clucks, Dinnertime! while he
Spoons out Fancy Feast,
Heats roast chicken. At least
They act pleased; we could swear they smile (slyly).
Our Cat Baby Sweets, and All Others
Near nineteen now, serene Russian Blue,
Undemanding and gentle, she knew
Our backyard was right: train
Humans living here, reign
As submissive queen :) Thus the years flew
By in the blink of an eye;
From Phoenix to Vancouver, fly.
She’s indoors, soldiers on :)
Weeks, months, soon? She’ll be gone…
She lies dozing. Wipe eyes and ask why
Our pets always pass on far too soon.
May they dance ‘neath a silvery moon,
Their food, toys, treats be choice!
When we meet, all rejoice
In the starlight, where purrs are in tune
(And our love blazes brighter than noon).
Bridge Sharks
2 Clubs. 2 D means my hand’s piddling.
2 No Trump. 6, slam: we’re not kidding!
Partners take time to train;
Question hands? Do refrain!
Why partners and opps look for bidding.
It’s clear that you think you can train
Me to think you’re the one with the brain
Here’s a newsflash, sweetheart
Just like you, I am smart
So there’s really no need to mansplain.
He dons a large hat and his jeans
Then heads out to attend to his greens.
But his veggies all die
And it’s obvious why:
About gard’ning he doesn’t know beans.
Their naturist garden was done
As a way to be out having fun.
His cucumbers show
They’re beginning to grow;
Her melons are ripe in the sun.
I must admit I really hurt
Because while gardening with my sweet Aunt Gert
My X-beau passed,
Kicked me in the ass
And now I have a mouth full of dirt
Pro linebackers normally train
Intensely in order to gain
An edge on the field
With big muscles to wield;
They’ll suffer for somebody’s pain.
Recently I boarded a plane
A flight too short to complain
T’ween two folk like a confit
Wrapped in discomfit
Next time I’m bound for the train
Fifty Shades of Greyhounds
As the Alpha, he’s faster than fast,
But his streak is a thing of the past.
With your dog on cocaine,
It is easier to train,
But it’s better to finish last!
Miss Donkey takes the morning train
She told me that Trump is truly insane
Although he’s put on much weight
He cleans his plate
In my opinion, that’s a CAPITAL GAIN
Refusing to fly in a plane,
They boarded a cross-country train.
As it rolled through the states,
They had meals on real plates
And arrived both refreshed and still sane.
TRY AGAIN
Miss Donkey takes the morning train
She thinks that Trump is truly insane
She also said “He’s put on weight,
And he never fails to clean his plate”
In my opinion, that’s a CAPITAL GAIN
I was petrified to take a plane
I always preferred a nice, safe train
Hubby gave me a pill
To keep me still
We were 1000 miles over Bangor, Maine
NOT A DUPLICATE
I met my friend on the morning train
She said she had an ache in her brain
And the pain in her nose
Goes right to her toes
At least she doesn’t always complain
Inspired by “MAIL ORDER ANNIE”
“You’re the one who got off of that train.”
Chapin’s poetry rings in my brain.
I imagine that ride
Of the mail order bride
To start her new life on the plain.
He told her, You’re not quite as pretty
As I hoped for a gal from the city.
But if you’ll share my life
I’ll be glad you’re my wife
In this land where there’s no room for pity.
We don’t know if it all works as planned.
Nothing’s sure when your working the land.
We can tell that they only
Will never be lonely.
While struggles to solve hand in hand.
Inspired by “MAIL ORDER ANNIE”
“You’re the one who got off of that train.”
Chapin’s poetry rings in my brain.
I imagine that ride
Of the mail order bride
To start her new life on the plain.
He told her, You’re not quite as pretty
As I hoped for a gal from the city.
But if you’ll share my life
I’ll be glad you’re my wife
In this land where there’s no room for pity.
We don’t know if it all works as planned.
Nothing’s sure when you’re working the land.
We can tell that they only
Will never be lonely.
While struggles to solve hand in hand.
Inspired by “MAIL ORDER ANNIE”
“You’re the one who got off of that train.”
Chapin’s poetry rings in my brain.
I imagine that ride
Of the mail order bride
To start her new life on the plain.
He told her, You’re not quite as pretty
As I hoped for a gal from the city.
But if you’ll share my life
I’ll be glad you’re my wife
In this land where there’s no room for pity.
We don’t know if it all works as planned.
Nothing’s sure when you’re working the land.
We can tell that they only
Will never be lonely.
With struggles to solve hand in hand.
ADD Plus “The” Deficit = Double Trouble
Oh, how they chatter and natter!
Large egos demand that we flatter
Our political “train”.
They’re America’s Bane:
When the going gets tough, see them scatter
(And their leader’s as mad as a hatter!).
Yes, it seems each last one’s reelection
Regardless of party, direction,
Is Priority One.
Was it fun? What got done?
Answers? Wait…for the Dead’s resurrection.
Willy and Billy: Philly to Vegas
A persistent pair tried to entrain.
Conductor: What, you two again?
As I told you last week,
We don’t serve Chesapeake
Heading west. Haven’t I made that plain?
They: We’ve tickets, although it’s quite clear
That our presence is unwanted here.
But we’d now like a drink,
Something to help us think
(Old boy, don’t raise a stink!)
Of our plans in New York. What?! Miss, beer!
Where’s Your Homework? aka The Calculus of Sex
Doing math on a fast-moving train.
Saw that cute guy pass by, stare again.
The problems were thorny
But Eva was horny:
A break would be good to sustain
Her momentum. Yeah, she had his number:
His pants held a hefty cucumber.
Their ecstatic moans, squeals
To the sound of the wheels
Led to Eva, coach seat, sprawled in slumber.
The President’s trying to train
His VP to develop a brain.
He rewards him with treats,
Like the right to send tweets,
And occasional snorts of cocaine.
DELANCEY STREET: 1946
Choo-choo-choo goes Andrew’s train
Once involved he will never complain
Daddy Jerome
Is still at home
And mommy runs out for a two cents plain
“They eat all my plants”, my wife wails,
And leave horrible slithery trails!”
Though the bindweed’s a pain,
I am hoping to train
It to strangle those pestilent snails.
Our mother was truly the bane
Of our lives; she would whine and complain,
She beat me and my sister,
So nobody missed her
When Momma was thrown from the train.
“I shall throw myself under a train!”
Declared Jack, and they thought him insane.
He survived it, that boy,
For his railway’s a toy,
And he’s winding the clockwork again.
He discovered it’s wise to abstain
From blowjobs while flying a plane;
When turbulence hit,
He was violently bit.
The ex-pilot’s now driving a train.
Mama told me, ALWAYS ABSTAIN !!!
But when I met my gorgeous Wayne
I tried to resist
But then we kissed
And got the hell out on the nearest train
(based on an old joke)
A woman, discouraged, once said,
“My tomatoes don’t want to turn red!”
A good gard’ner, good cook,
But she can’t find the book
How to make them all look like they’ve bled.
Then she walked to her neighbor’s for fun
She said, “Yours are so red; how’s it done?”
“I just flash ’em each morning
Without any warning.
They blush, red adorning each one.”
So she tried it (not getting romantic)
For two weeks, was pedantic and frantic
Then he asked, “How’d it go?
Are they red?” She said, “No —
But my cucumbers — oh so gigantic!”
There once was a fellow named Joe
Who was proud of his garden, although
His wife, she will tell us
She’s really quite jealous –
He spends all his time with his hoe.
Flora and fauna
Though my garden is empty, a failure,
I’ve often enjoyed a young Dahlia,
An Iris, a Heather,
In all kinds of weather,
A Jasmine, a Rose, an Azalea.
My garden is concreted over,
Yet Marigold, Pansy and Clover,
Petunia, Daisy,
Have all come like crazy
Whenever I play ‘Casanova’.
Oh, those memories! Begging yout pardon,
At the mere thought of Flora, I harden.
The Violets, the Lilies,
That sweet Amaryllis –
The girls that I’ve had in my garden!
In North by Northwest it’s germane
That a woman is riding a train.
Cary Grant plays the hunk
Who hides out in her bunk.
There’s no hitch in his cock, that’s quite plain.
My mind was a bit of a blank, so a friend helped by giving me the first line…
Herding cats is a pain and a bane
But then once they’ve been piled on the train
They won’t fight, they won’t bawl
They’ll just lay there and sprawl
Because outside it’s all pouring rain!
Plant a seed and then watch the thing grow
And just nurture it, careful and slow
Let the goodness run deep
Don’t turn into a creep
Just remember — you reap what you sow!
They had hoisted her up with a crane
Then they placed the poor girl In the train
The old freight car’s door came
Built too small for her frame
‘Twas an elephant named Mary Jane.
Sister Pippa had carried Kate’s train
And its length should have made Katy vain
But what got folks’ attention —
Pip’s bum, I should mention,
A seamless extension, a bane!
It’s so crowded each morning, that train
And it’s worse when the sky’s pouring rain
The old hamster wheel flowing
Shows no sign of slowing
Why ain’t I yet going insane?
Then a voice broke the stale air in song
So I thought, “Oh, just great! Something’s wrong!”
But more voices would throb
To create a flash mob
We completed the job, sang along!
All the blight and bad bugs in my garden
Make my heart for this hobby just harden
Thorns and thistles and turds
Shit! It’s all for the birds!
And don’t mind the bad words, beg your pardon!
All the outlaws on horseback would gain
A great speed to catch up, rob the train
Annie kicked them with whacks
Till they fell from the tracks
Lying flat on their backs o’er the plain.
A Mex’can, car-fixing botanic
Was a green, devil-worshipping manic
Now there’s no need to panic
Just ’cause he’s satanic
An organic, Hispanic mechanic.
Through our town runs a long, noisy train
Late at night, driving townsfolk insane
So the dynamite crew
Did what it had to do
How about me and you drink champagne?!
Gotham City: A New Perspective
Batman sighed as he boarded with Robin.
Mayor, Guv…I’m so sick of hobnobbin’!
Gotham’s Party Night Train
Helped to relieve the pain
Of aloneness (day sweats, secret sobbin’).
As they slowly pulled out of the station,
Alfred snorted: I’ve been forced to ration
All the good stuff already!
The Joker’s unsteady,
And Penguin’s a naked sensation.
Batman frowned: Never mind all of that.
(Robin eased past.) Have you seen The Cat?
No, but who knew The Riddler
Could be such a diddler?
I can’t look! (Alfred peeked.) My new mat!
Batman strolled through the scene and its uproar;
Found the Boy Wonder out in the downpour
Whooping, riding (that!) Harley.
Their position looked gnarly
En caboose. Bat grinned, planning to keep score.
Then out from the shadows The Cat stepped.
Eyes flashed ‘cross the Nine Tails that she kept.
As he knelt in the dark,
Flames roared up from that spark.
Her white teeth flashed; Bat spasmed and wept.
The torrid night passed. Dawn grew near.
A few hardy souls downed more beer.
As their Night Train returned,
Robin tossed, Batman turned
(His skin prickled and burned).
Vivid dreams ousted boredom and fear.
Who knew it, folks, so have some pity…
Bad and Good duke it out ‘cross the city,
Rescuing, causing fright,
But needs drive them despite
Their roles. Bat: Play me some Conway Twitty!
(Albert: Right. Bruce, you’re just not that witty.)
Mad, gosh darn it, I mistakenly wrote “Albert” in the last line above :( Can you correct to Alfred?
Thanks very much,
Patrice ~
July 7 UPDATE: Limerick contest results will be delayed while I recuperate from emergency wrist surgery. In the meantime, here’s another theme for your limericks: DOCTORS.
Misadventure at the Dentist’s
Can’t handle epinephrine, oh dear.
My pulse is 110 now, I fear.
Yes, it was in my file.
I’ll be angry awhile.
Novocaine’s gone. but heart’s in high gear.
ARRGH!!!
Fifty Shades of Greyhounds
As the Alpha, he’s faster than fast,
But his streak is a thing of the past.
With your dog on cocaine,
It is easy to train,
But it’s better to finish last!
A hot gal got sick, saw a new doctor,
His behavior was strange, a real shocker.
He pulled up her dress
Just imagine the rest…
Instead of a check-up, he focked’er.
An actor whose looks were submergin’,
Contracted a Hollywood surgeon.
When he finally healed,
The mirror revealed
He now had the face of a sturgeon.
In Chicago we have a commuter train
It will take you as far as Urbana-Champaign
But if it’s your fate
To be stopped by a freight
You will wait so long, it will fry your brain
I went to my garden during happy hour
Added plastic to give my blooms more power
Then I played Bobby Darin
And danced with Karen
The next day I saw an artificial flower
A hospital patient named Phil
Thought he’d give the new intern a thrill.
He hoisted his gown
And she said with a frown
“That poor little guy caught a chill.”
Mad,
I hope your wrist heals very soon :)
Thinking of you,
Patrice ~
In case you missed this announcement:
July 7 UPDATE: Limerick contest results will be delayed while I recuperate from emergency wrist surgery. In the meantime, here’s another theme for your limericks: DOCTORS.
Trump’s cabinet takes his directions
His party? It makes no objections
But what’s really a laugh
Is the doctors on staff
Only know how to doctor elections.
The conductor turned salesman was vain.
And he boasted, about his new reign
As the king of HVAC.
And his sales are on track,
‘Cause you know, that you can’t stop a Trane.
Meau, Lester (MD)
He explained that she needed a test,
But words wouldn’t suffice for her chest.
All ten fingers caressed
Where they shouldn’t. You guessed
Right: she sued. Courts decided the rest.
(No mo’ Meau, he’s the worst kind of pest.)
This one’s dedicated to anyone who’s recently had wrist surgery…
You’re hoping the surgeon you’re stuck with
Is someone you won’t need to muck with
If the doc leaves you worse than
You thought, and you’re cursin’
He picked the wrong person to f— with!
Opioids: Chicken or Egg, Doctor or Patient?
I’m addicted! My doctor prescribed
What I longed for after I described
My pain: one to ten? Eight.
I can sleep now, but rate
My doc zero – she couldn’t be bribed
So I faked it. As could be predicted,
I wasn’t to be contradicted.
So, to others in “need”,
Hear this warning – take heed:
It’s my doc’s fault that now I’m addicted.
Married to a Terse Nurse
Be patient, and I’ll be your doctor,
He whispered before he defrocked her
Not at home, but at work.
Edgar, don’t be a jerk!
Room Two’s lit, hurry up!…Not much shocked her.
Gloom Before Bloom
She doctored his drink on the train;
Missed her garden. Outside, pouring rain.
The fool’d glared at her roses,
“Vacay, Madge!” then struck poses
When boarding. …He’s feeling no pain.
(Blissful silence; smile: home soon again.)
Said President Trump “When I clocked her,
I moved on the bitch. I’d’ve cocked her,
But she turned me down,”
He complained with a frown,
“So what’s wrong with the stupid bitch, Doctor?”
NEED A REPLACEMENT? CHECK US OUT!
Here’s new body parts, if you please;
We’ll sell you a hip or some knees.
Our premium stuff
Can be seen in the buff;
(There’s no volume discount for these.)
Mad – Hope you’re feeling better and
have a quick recovery!
Dave J.
No Doogie Howser
He appeared in a coat that was white
And he snuck into rounds on that night
With a license for driving,
Without one for prescribing.
For his prank, he was never contrite!
“Doctors” theme:
There’s a dentist we know, name is Gus,
Who with patients would often discuss,
That their teeth cleaning fee
Is not geometry,
It’s a measurement of calculus.
😬😁😀
Scenes from a medical convention:
Podiatrists rise to their feet;
Cardiologists won’t skip a beat.
A surgeon explains
His practice takes brains;
Proctologists grab a rear seat.
Said the doctor to Madeleine Kane:
“Fits of anger you need to restrain.
It’s a pain in the rump
Watching Fox fluffing Trump.
Punch your screen, though? Next time, please refrain.”
Speedy recovery, Mad!
My patient frantically called
Because she said that she had falled
I instantly winced
And was thoroughly convinced
The cure for her was Grammar Skuul
Speedy Recovery !!!!!
`MR JOHNSON’S SURGERY
I had surgery on my wrist
Doc Smith said it was a “twist”
It was his FIRST operation
And mistakenly did a castration
As expected I was indubitably pissed
NOT A DUPLICATE
My patient frantically called
Because she said she had falled
I instantly winced
And was thoroughly convinced
Her cure was a good Grammar Skuul
My doctor is sadly now late;
The booze and the fags sealed his fate.
Oh, what was he thinking,
The smoking and drinking?
He’d only just turned ninety-eight.
TRY ONE MORE TIME
My patient frantically called
Because she said she had falled
I instantly winced
And was thoroughly convinced
That her cure was a proper Grammar Skald
TRY AGAIN (SYLLABLES)
MR JOHNSON’S SURGERY
I had surgery for my wrist
(I had an uncomfortable “twist”)
It was the doc’s first operation
He mistakenly performed a castration
As expected, I was indubitably pissed
A bold cougar babe from Humptulips
Strolled into the bar for a few nips.
Who sat down beside her?
A Botox provider;
She now stalks her prey with plump, new lips.
(Hump / too / lips – a blink of a town in Washington state)
There’s nothing worse than lice in the hair
The doc says it’s easy to repair
Use strong shampoo
Till the scalp turns blue
If one louse is left, name him Pierre
I took the easy target again:
There once was a man, Donald J.
In a line, as he heard a voice say,
“You are getting a brain.”
What he heard, though, was “train”
So he left to get out of the way.
A doctor who was named Ebenezer
Was a tricksy sort of old geezer,
And the trick he liked best
Was to listen to a chest
With a stethoscope he kept in the freezer.
Guardin’ It (Since He Won’t Use It Today)
Let’s play doctor, but not near that rose;
A bumblebee, look, get the hose!
You know I hate white,
And your stubble’s a sight.
What, you’re leaving half-cocked? Pasty toes
Never did turn me on. Where’s your socks?
You expect me to f*ck on these rocks?
…Rolled his eyes and stalked off.
She continued to scoff:
What’s he want? Why, the man never talks!
In reply to Brian’s entry of July 11 at 11:17 am:
(I’m including the subsequent relevant limericks we threw back and forth, to avoid confusion and broken momentum)
Suzanne says:
But he found a mate forty years younger
Who’s a nymph with a sexual hunger
It’s his heart that gave out
He died happy, no doubt
Right when she’d scream and shout as he tongued her.
Brian says:
It’s true, that’s the reason he picked her,
But smoking? He should have been stricter.
Yes, she’d scream and she’d shout –
He forgot to put out
His lit cigarette when he licked her.
Suzanne says:
The old man should have stuck with tradition
And smoked AFTER his sex expedition.
You would think, at his age,
He’d be wise as a sage
But his hormones were raged with ambition.
Brian says:
His end wasn’t quite as you say;
He invited three beauties to play.
All eighteen years old,
And he bonked them, I’m told,
Till his whisky-soaked system gave way.
Suzanne says:
So we’ll never know what really killed him –
The cigs, booze, or women who thrilled him.
My last piece of advice is:
‘Beware what entices’
(At least his three vices fulfilled him!)
Brian says:
The Doctor replies from the grave:
“It’s true that to vice I’m a slave.
Well, the angels in heaven
Are great – I’ve had seven,
But whisky and cigs, I still crave.”
Suzanne says:
I’m so glad that his sex life is swell;
Not his unfulfilled cravings as well?
It’s a torment I’d dread
He is worse off than dead
It’s not heaven; instead, more like hell!
… and guess who has the last word?
“You’re right,” laughed the Devil, “He’s mine,
Though he doesn’t yet know it – no wine,
And those “angels”, poor chap,
Have all got the clap –
Let him doctor himself, the old swine!”
Poetic Lies?Sense! aka Hills, Pills, and Thrills
His doc: I prescribed that last med
For the issues concerning your head.
Ben: It’s not worth a penny,
I’m still not getting any!
Doc cautiously said, Ben, instead
Of focusing on sex – its lack,
You now can buy pants off the rack.
You may not be wealthy,
But your heart is more healthy!
Ben: I’d rather be on my back
With a woman who’s built, and inventive.
Doc: Well, my advice is preventive.
But if you do get lucky
(Ben’s bald, from Kentucky)
I’d budget a hefty incentive.
Ben, riled, said with great indignation:
I have some skills in communication,
And my last heart attack
Doesn’t mean Willie’s slack!
His successful ad: Lust for Sensation.
…Ben smiles ‘neath her, in rapt concentration.
Doc’s own ad ran: White-Jacket Temptation.
Now they’re both being nursed
By two women well versed
(Doc caught up, Ben was first!)
With shared appetites for fornication.
Is it Hubby you’re trying to train?
Then your nagging, I’d work to refrain,
And replace it with PRAISE,
The results will amaze,
But if not, there’s the whip and the chain.
training husbands
Suzanne and Brian – that was amazing!
They eye you and poke at your skin
They prod and they pull on your limbs
Like secret confessionals
We trust these professionals
To tell us what shape we are in
We take all their pills they prescribe
Believing it’s not all a lie
Oh it’s a wonder
We’re not all six feet under
As so often it all goes awry
There was once a general practitioner
My dad would make no petition for
When I asked him why
There came his reply
When his practice be perfect
I’ll listener
I must say my surgeon is quite appealing
He said his specialty is painless healing
But he forgot the anesthesia
Which gave me dyskinesia
Then I went flying up to the plastic ceiling
MAD: THIS IS REALLY HIS NAME
In the suburbs there is a Dr. Schotz
His specialty is healing little tots
But you have to lie
Or else they’ll cry
So you tell them we’re going to Dr. Plotz
You phone the doctor to get a day
For being exposed to radioactive decay
They give you a date
6 months you must wait
Then you call the Hearse to take you away
Derailed ~
I fell off the thought of my train,
Which the Doc said was due to brain strain,
And so none heard my word.
Like a vast lemming herd
All are lost—but, perhaps, that’s your gain.
I know I may sound like a snob
But to soothe is a doctor’s main job
I want him to take
Away each little ache
And then lastly, to make my heart throb!
I know I may sound like a snob
But to soothe is a doctor’s main job
Well, he isn’t my friend
Should he fail to contend.
If he won’t, then I’ll send in the mob!
DOCTORS AND RECEPTIONISTS
The privacy laws have gone too far
One wrong word, and you’re back in your car
You sit on your butt
You better shut up
Even you doctor doesn’t know who you are
Mad: last line: please change you to YOUR
HOPE YOU ARE FEELING BETTER!
I took my darling baby Claire
To the pediatrician at Union Square
The nurse in the room
Said he’ll be here soon
But now he’s busy playing Solitaire
When Donald Trump’s angry and bitter,
His answer is whining on Twitter.
Some doctors would say
“He’s just wired that way…”
I’d say he requires a sitter.
Ann Coulter did more than complain;
Becoming a witch on the plane.
There is no denying
She ought to be flying
Her broom, or just taking a train.
Quoting A Friend: In This Cray, Cray Time…
Why doesn’t Trump simply quit?
Doctored promises aren’t worth warm spit.
He exists to impede,
John McCain’s centipede:
Shoes will all drop despite their tight fit.
Loco Motives
Trump’s regime works so hard to erase
What the House of Barack built: no trace
Can be left of Obama,
No word, not a comma!
(More Donald-time drama.)
It surely can’t be about race
‘Cause, by God, it’s about legislation
And what’s really best for the nation!
Morons smile and agree
But avoid the TV;
Some look on with disgust, condemnation.
(Guess it’s true: law is pure re-creation,
When it’s not Donald’s imagination.)
In the spring, all my seeds I disperse
I grow peas, but my carrots are worse
I have onions, tomatoes
Cucumbers, potatoes
In this garden variety verse.
To the doctor I walked a kilometer
Took my temperature, made me a vomiter
When it got near my tongue
It tasted like bung –
He gave me a rectal thermometer!
Ridin’ the Trump Train: Derailment Predicted
Look out for some steep curves ahead!
Wish supporters had stayed home in bed
Voting day. Now we’re stuck,
It’s the nation’s bad luck:
Some believed what the Orange Head said.
(And still do! Hope their faces are red.)
Prognosis Dismal
Doc, Doctor, just give me the news:
I’ve got a bad case of D. blues,
Mumps, and lumps caused by Trump.
Watching news makes me jump-
Y. An opioid? (How about booze?)
You really have nothing to offer
But drugs (why not add to your coffer?).
Docs aligned with Big Pharma,
I’m sensing bad karma:
Alarm! Uh…yeah, call me a scoffer.
Train Your Kids To Vote!
Chose to snooze and sit back? Bad decision.
Indies, Dems lost and (expletive jerk) won.
I refuse to excuse
Trump’s repetitive ruse:
Blare crap often for true-false collision.
(Sow confusion! Avoid truth/precision.)
Bigmouth Aims South
It’s quite clear that Trump’s brain is obtuse.
(Danger, Will!) Weapon mouth’s on the loose:
Firing Right and then Left,
Sound and fury, no heft;
In his world, Win or Lose – never truce.
We used to go to our trusted “GP”
Life in the 50’s was so carefree
Now doctors specialize
They don’t even empathize
Dr. Jones works only on your sore LEFT knee
UPDATE 2 — JULY 21: Limerick contest results will CONTINUE to be delayed while I recuperate from emergency wrist surgery. In the meantime, here’s YET ANOTHER theme for your limericks: SUMMER FUN.
(an old one …)
The streetwalker said, “Take your pick;
A handjob right now would be quick,
But if you’re a mouth-cummer,
Then come back in Summer –
One swallow in Spring makes me sick.”
More Than Summer Pals :)
Gene and Judy are from Minnesota.
Here in WA state, they don’t need a coat. A
Downpour means brief wait,
Unlike snow. They’re such great
People 8>D Friends as we age: set no quota!
Where to go on vacation? I choose
To go off on a long ocean cruise.
With the news from D.C.
It’s important to me
To have access to plenty of booze.
Bye-Bye Blues, Hello Happiness! ~
With Trumpety’s team on the run,
He’ll fall off the wall ‘fore it’s done.
Our discontent Winter
May soon have gone hinter.
His melt-down, our Summer of Fun!
You might think Americans dumber
When they consume booze, in the summer
But they really hit bottom
When they vote, in the autumn
For everyone else, it’s a bummer.
A gal ordered Long Island Iced Tea,
She liked it, in total drank three.
She got really drunk,
What could she have thunk?
Assumed it was Lipton, you see.
A guy and his gal had great fun
In a hammock that swung the sun.
They were unconcerned
When it overturned.
Just continued what they had begun.
A sultry gal, all ripe in her prime,
Has hot sex on the beach, not a crime.
He left, she got burned,
The hard way she learned,
Must wear all over sunscreen next time.
Water-skiing is my summer fun
I shout “Hit it” I’m off for my run
A fast spill and I’m gettin’ a
Fresh water enema
A “fecesious” remark for a pun
Tequila’s better than Sex on the Beach,
Got several top brands, sipping each!
Great drinks, summer fun,
Though it’s hot in the sun.
Enough shots now, I’m slurring my speech.
Presidential summer fun
“In winter, when things ain’t so hot,
Golden showers,” said Trump, “hit the spot.
But in summer, I need
To be coolingly peed,
So my hooker packs ice in her twat.”
Response to Brian:
She packs ice in her what?! You don’t say!
I do fear that there will come a day
When he shrinks like a turtle
Which would be a hurdle
In trying to climax that way.
“Hey, Suzanne, I ain’t nobody’s fool,”
Tweets the President. “Ice keeps me cool,
But her mouth will reheat
And re-kindle my meat –
Believe me, the size makes her drool.”
It’s all FAKE news; I’d wish he’d just stop
Donald uses a big plastic prop
You must squint just to see
That the real one must be
Just the size of a wee Tootsie pop.
When Harvey, Tim and Big Jake
Were fishing one day on a lake,
Three skiers blew past;
All blonde and bare-assed.
Said Harvey “four real and…two fake.”
(Donald reacts Suzanne’s previous comment)
“This Heymann’s beginning to vex us!
Just ask any hooker who pecks us –
Our gigantic knob
Is too big for her gob,
And will only just fit into Texas.”
As your knob is all covered with blisters
I’ve no int’rest in pleasing you misters
I can’t handle the pus
But I won’t make a fuss
So use Rosy Palm, plus her five sisters!
You might want to go see a physician
For your speedy recov’ry, I’m wishin’
If the doc won’t know how
To help, don’t have a cow
What you really need now? A magician!
“Hey, Suzanne, that is slanderous crap!
As you know, I’m a popular chap.
Your remarks are plain sordid;
Those girls who applauded
Just gave me the wrong lind of clap.”
(Ooops, the prepenultimate word should be “kind”.
“Let’s get back to the fun that is summer;
People say global warming’s a bummer,
But if they’re too hot,
The AC hits the spot.
Pence is dumb, but those lefties are dumber.”
When you have an annoying pain
Go to your doctor come shine or come rain
He’ll give you a pill
And his usual “drill”
From Blue Cross and Blue Shield, he has much to gain
On a beach where seclusion is rare,
Just one spot for an amorous pair.
Having hiked from above,
They make passionate love;
Well within the drone’s lecherous stare.
Well, if you want some sympathy now
It will be in your wordbook; here’s how:
Just don’t be too miffed at this
Finding a whiff of this
‘Twixt ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’ (wow!)
A very late train limerick:
Tons of wheat being pulled by a train
Met a motorist lacking a brain.
At a crossing, the schmuck
Ran the signal. Oh, yuck.
Stuff gets real when you go ‘gainst the grain.
A beach in the summer can be
One place to feel totally free.
But some show their wrongs
In Speedos and thongs
We try, but just cannot unsee.
Doc Sommer Trained in the Garden
This happens when one tries to cram
Too much into one’s brain (I’m a ham).
Punning’s light summer fun!
(Winning lim? Not this one!)
I just heard Trump was goosed by a Ram
He had truck with. The sheep got a shock
(It said Ewe!) then returned to his flock…
Repeat often: turns true!
Trump changed physics, who knew?
Just proclaim what’s now gold, was a rock!
(And if you believe that, see a doc,
‘Cause – like Trump – it’s a potful of crock.)
Grip on Reality Tenuous, aka The Insane Train
He really believes since he’s Prez
We all should do just what he says.
Never mind logic, law,
Trump’s perfection! No flaw
Can be found ‘neath that yellow-red fez.
So I simper, Prez Trump, he looks super,
As handsome as ol’ Gary Cooper!
Though I’m bare-assed lying –
High-wire truth defying,
Don’t test me: a loyal Trump trouper!
(He looks better than Gary Cooper.)
Rerun No Longer Fun: The News Blues
3rd Rock from the Sun…of a Bitch!
I think that my brain has a glitch.
Everywhere I see Trump:
Constant news, gotta dump
It before I develop a twitch
(My ears are beginning to itch.)
(That) Con Sessions! True/Not True?
It seems in his late-night confessions
Trump blares that he wants to fire Sessions
Again. Prez Buffoon
In his tweeted balloon
Declared folks will get wrong impressions
So, firm stance: he’ll make no concessions!
Can’t tolerate past indiscretions.
That fun guy, AG Sessions,
Made clowning expressions
Behind Donald’s back 😝 …more obsessions.
Summer Bum ~ She’s Got Skills
She tweeted she’d be on the beach
Strolling nude. Phone on, well within reach.
It rang: Babe, where’s your cell?
Giggle…Guess! I won’t tell,
But it rhymes with What, looks like a peach.
So in heat, he drove thirty-nine miles,
Panting up where the sand met the tiles.
There she lounged, counting bills,
Men lined up for the thrills…
Cell rang: squeezed on, no hands! Lust-filled smiles.
(Diff’rent beach next week: new men, same wiles.)
Young lovers were taking a chance
In the woods for some outdoor romance.
The location they chose
For doffing their clothes
Had lots of green three-leafy plants.
The result was a terrible mess;
A dilemma they had to confess.
Poison Oak left its traces
In various places
Physicians would have to address.
(Continued from Suzanne Heymann’s post on July 26, 2017 at 3:22 pm)
“Them dictionaries? Sad! Over-rated!
I don’t need no books,” Donald stated.
“My words are the best!
I’m so rich –yeah, you guessed –
That even my shit is gold-plated.
As for ‘Syphilis’, ain’t that the guy
Who continued to stupidly try
To push rocks up a slope?
What a loser, that dope,
‘Cause they rolled right back down from up high!”
DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM
There you sit in the waiting room
Your thoughts imagine doom and gloom
It’s such a bore
You begin to snore
Then in walks the janitor and hands you a broom
SLIGHT CORRECTION
You sit THERE in the waiting room
Your thoughts imagine doom and gloom
It’s such a bore
You begin to snore
In walks the janitor and hands you a broom
McCain Rises: That’s (It for) the Skinny, aka Big Jump Off the Trump Train
Johnny, you’re not really a hero!
Disdained Trump: sneering, ultimate zero.
…A brain tumor gives pause;
One reflects on life, flaws
And one’s “boss”: lying wretch, lech, and Nero.
Those words are harsh, but they’re all true.
A mouth washed out with soap’s overdue.
That’s a Capitol pun-
Ishment fit for a Hun
Like DT, but let’s now move on to
JM. Revenge: dish best served cold.
His remaining time must seem like gold.
Although he’s now older,
The Senator’s bolder
And highly unlikely to fold
Under pressure from Resident Chump.
McCain’s tougher, not one Trump can dump.
His grand gesture, thumb down,
No doubt caused a black frown
And harangue to burst forth from De Lump
(Oval Office-ers heard ham fists thump.)
Sen. McCain, we don’t often agree,
But you’ll hear no complaining from me.
Please, just try to do right
By our country, whose plight
Requires heros. You are one, we see.
TRUER THAN MOST PEOPLE THINK: TOO MANY SYLLABLES BUT MAYBE YOU CAN FIX?
The doctor tells you to pee in a cup
Somehow you feel you’re out of luck
He checks your heart
And every other part
DIAGNOSIS: If I don’t know, I’ll make it up
Boy Scout Tout, aka Jamb-or-gee Train
Trump chortled, It’s all about me!
All those orgies were fun, boys! You’d see
Hooters from ’round the world,
Rip off clothes as bimbs twirled.
I support lower ed, and it’s free!
By the way, Wash DC is a cesspool.
The pols all stink there, but I’m no fool!
If we repeal O’care
We can throw a big scare
Into poor folks, and that would be cool!
That reminds me, there’s loyalty lacking.
I plainly deserve my staff’s backing,
So a system is tracking
Those traitors attacking
Me! droned Trump (loud journo lip-smacking).
Yeah, boys, there’s a lot I can teach
Ya if those prude sissies don’t reach
Ya! McCain, just ignore
Him, that traitor and bore.
Hanoi Hilton was great, on the beach!
Wow, it’s fake media all the way, here.
Has anyone offered you boys beer
Yet? Nope, I’m not payin’,
But hey, I’m just sayin’
They should! When we come back next year
I’ll make sure they do. You know life,
Like don’t settle for just one wife!
Yep, on Levitt’s big yacht
We had crotch, Scotch and brought
Plenty (*kitty*)! …Jeff stuck in the knife
So I might just go on a (Ted) cruise!
He’ll be loyal, or else feel the Cruz blues
‘Cause that map was so red,
The Dems wished they were dead!
My name everywhere, all caps, huge news!
(Maine, one vote: they couldn’t refuse.)
But you’re workers, and you’ll get bored too,
And probably start sniffing glue.
But momentum, don’t lose it!
Excuse, maybe choose it
(The glue). Gotta go; Clinton, Boo!
(What’s our next stop, Mooch? Give me a clue.)
Scaramucci could easily train
Marines to be loud and profane.
But he’s busy with Trump;
Loves smooching his rump
While driving the censors insane.
(Wow – that was quick!)
Scaramucci, as Priebus’s bane,
Unloaded with epic disdain.
The strength of his blast,
So lethal and vast,
Just blew them both off of the train.
Oops – Line 5 of the above should read:
“Blew both of them off of the train.”
Thanks, Dave
A lesson they wanted to teach;
Scaramucci is now out of reach.
He’s free to have fun,
Maybe catching some sun
With Priebus and Sean at the beach.
Summer Fiasco Fiesta: Trump Needs A Nightly Siesta
Trump’s staff, through a door fast revolving.
This president, there’s no absolving:
His late-night rant-tweets
Are pure self-serving bleats
While our problems mount up. They need solving!
(I doubt we’ll see DT evolving.)
What a petty man he’s proved to be.
Wealth; compassion? Less than you or me.
I guess someone this rich
(And a son of a bitch)
Finds the “poor” make him twitch.
Acts for good of the nation?? We’ll see…
(But he sure doesn’t represent me!)
Dr. Fercockda made a terrible mistake
I think the guy is a total flake
I took off my clothes
Down to my toes
All I had was a damn headache
All during their summer romance,
He never got into her pants.
They happened to meet
At a nudist retreat;
She had none, so therefore no chance.
The total eclipse of the sun
Is not going to be very fun.
When that moment is here
With the influx we fear,
in darkness we’ll be overrun.
(It’s expected to bring so many visitors to Oregon that disaster preparations are underway)
While lying out there on the sand,
She offered to lend him a hand.
Her kindness achieved
A result well received;
Erected – their castle so grand.
UPDATE 3 — AUGUST 5: Limerick contest results will CONTINUE to be delayed while I continue to recuperate from wrist surgery. (My apologies! But unfortunately, lots of physical therapy is required!) In the meantime, here’s YET ANOTHER theme for your limericks: CAFFEINE.
The coffee was starting to brew;
She woke up unsure what to do.
Her guest for the night
Didn’t seem very bright
And they both had a matching tattoo.
At Mt. Sinai, while leading the Jews, it
Seemed that Moses was fixin’ to lose it
Now he’s calm and serene
With a shot of caffeine
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it!
You ask why he’s stupid and mean?
It could be excessive caffeine.
They say too much covfefe
Will turn brains to tovfefe,
But Trump’s is a shrivelled old bean.
Caffeine: I Want It, I Need It
I’d call it a certain addiction,
A stereotyped, true depiction:
Unshowered and mean
Turned awake, smiling, clean!
But not lean :( That’s a gross dereliction
Of duty, old bean! And why not
Work miracles while you are hot?
Cinnamon, splash of cream:
You’re a card player’s dream.
I adore you, though you won’t stay bought
(Angelino’s: must order BIG lot!).
For Dave Johnson: response to August 4, 2017 at 7:35 pm
Summer Eclipse Fun? A Stranger Type of Danger
Perhaps near the beach, you’ve a tan?
In Vancouver WA (home) I plan
On pinhole projection,
Safe means of detection;
Then indoors, stream NASA, on! fan :)
While out ‘long the Oregon coast
Stuck in traffic jams, tourists will roast.
Blindly paid umpteen bucks,
Lodging/meals. Choices? Shucks!
Work, stay home, travel, tour: profit, boast.
(Guard your eyes, they could burn up like toast,
And it’s hard to say what you’d blame most.)
What Zooms Around Must Come Down
Jamaican me crazy, you know!
At 90 per hour I go
Through the house, task by task,
So much frenergy! Bask
Later, things done; caffeineless and slow
(It’s an effort to wiggle one toe).
Re-written and submitted:
A hot gal got sick, saw a new doctor,
His behavior was strange, it just shocked her.
She froze in great shock
When he whipped out his cock
Instead of a check-up, he focked’er.
Decaf coffee still has some caffeine,
Dark chocolate, the same, it would seem.
Makes my heart beat too fast,
I’m dismayed and downcast.
No chocolate, that’s truly obscene!
Each sweet, a cocoa dipped espresso bean,
For which her guy knew she was keen.
Not his kiss, but his treat
Made her heart skip a beat!
She had just consumed too much caffeine.
Re submitted, again (Sorry)-
A hot gal got sick, saw a new doctor,
His behavior was strange, it facocked her.
She froze in great shock
When he whipped out his cock
Instead of a check-up, he focked’er.
I used to love to take the train
But this luxury is beginning to wane
The guy with the tattoo
Smells like a stinky old shoe
Now a car pool is my new preferred “game”
When summer comes around
I place my chaise on the ground
I “bake” all day
But there’s a price to pay
Afterwards, I look like Bozo The Clown
Mad
Please check your e-mail. I may have given you the wrong e-mail for #233 and# 234
Thank you
Doctors can be in a very bad mood
Not to mention being downright crude !!
They send you to the lab
You get a hurtful stab
Just because they don’t want to be sued
For Patrice Stewart re: Today 10:43 AM
With the path of totality near,
It’s crowds and congestion we fear.
Far away from the coast,
Much drier than most;
Our wildfire season is here.
So for those who are planning to bed
Where the skies will be clear overhead,
You don’t have to end
Up in Madras or Bend;
Get over to Boise instead.
EDITED:
Was the cocoa dipped espresso bean,
For which her guy knew she was keen.
Not his kiss, but his treats
Made her heart skip some beats!
She had just consumed too much caffeine.
For Dave Johnson, re: Aug. 6 at 5:31 pm
Boys: Eee! Don’t Bend Over in Those Madras Shorts (Non Sequitur: I Couldn’t Resist)
Eclipse-ers have money to burn
In Central OR, too. They could learn
Before their arrival
‘Bout wildfire survival:
Cigarettes? Turn around, don’t return!
You explained, it makes sense; I see why
You wish that they’d all just pass you by.
In WA almost two years,
I relate -> locals’ fears.
Dark-sun “fun” looks like pie in the sky :(
(Profits prophesied to be sky-high…)
Of Prophets and Profits: Eclipse-A-Thon!
They expect huge crowds, dough rolling in,
For (ranks of) opportunists to “win”
Money hand over fist.
Is your name on the list,
Preferred vendors? Hey, spenders, begin!
Twenty-first: it’s our day in the sun;
Nine a.m., and the fun’s just begun.
Glasses, hats, yeah! We hawk it;
By day’s end, picked your pocket.
Straggle home when you’re done, but we won.
(Have you any cash left? Not a one.)
Dark Shadows
…And darkness crept over the land:
Trump’s toupee? Monster mountain of sand?
Oh, it’s that eclipse: total-
Ly, read my lips! Scrotal-
Ly, Donald’s (ahem) ain’t that grand.
(Despite efforts to sell his BIG brand,
Tweets deplete and defeat him, though tanned.)
Why Knot? It’s Old Noose
If you must ask, it’s to hang ‘im high;
Impeachment’s too good for the guy.
Each law he reverses
Elicits fresh curses –
Still, lackeys support The Big Lie
Which should be The Donald’s true name.
No conscience, brain, ethics, or shame;
Each “win” Repubs gain
Wreaks more middle-class pain.
Chance Pence? Toss the clown who’s to blame!
(For all we know, they both are the same;
I hope not, but this isn’t a game…)
Seattle’s where Starbucks was born;
In Dallas, big Stetsons are worn.
Chicago has Sox,
Minneapolis rocks;
And L.A. – fake boobies adorn.
There’s nothing better than summer life
You have no stress; you have no strife
You play around
Till the sun goes down
But when the fall arrives, you have to go back to your wife
DOCTOR’S LOUSEY IDEA
They stick you in the MRI
You’re so alone and you start to cry
They let you out
And then you shout
“That really sucked and I’d rather die”
I was so busy “weeding”
And involved in my “seeding”
But Bill would never call
‘Cause he was out having a ball
I had no clue that he was cheating
(Summer fun – at our expense)
Harsh words from an enemy’s dare;
New tensions are starting to flare.
While alarm bells abound,
Where’s Trump to be found?
Bedminster – great golfing up there!
His vacation is raising a fuss;
“That asshole is lazy!” we cuss.
We would have preferred
He did part of the word;
To vacate would be a real plus.
Most brew pubs are burly and beefy;
Some cafes are laid-back and leafy.
A Bedminster diner
Has something much finer;
Wake up with a cup of covfefe.
In the summer time when no one’s cool
You need to find a nice swimming pool
Wear a respectable vest
To cover your breast
And act like they taught you in Catholic School
EAR, NOSE, AND THROAT (SPECIALISTS)????
When you go to the ENT, and your check doesn’t clear
They tell you to leave and DISSAPEAR !!
“Just come back once
You irresponsible dunce
We need to put the wax back in your ear”
GOING TO THE EAR, NOSE AND THROAT DOCS
If you should go to the ENT and your check doesn’t clear
They will promptly tell you to disappear !
“But come back just once
You irresponsible dunce
We need to put the wax back in your ear”
Smokey: Hard To Bear (No Summer Fun)
For those with breathing problems, the air
In the Pac Northwest’s been hard to share:
From Canada, drifting.
Wildfires still shifting.
Thanks, parattack crews! Please take care :)
In Bend, we can usually say
The skies are not cloudy all day.
This summer’s not done;
We’ll resume having fun
As soon as this crap blows away.
I feel very clean
Due to toilets and caffeine
You drink your morning “joe”
Then you have to “go”
Take that power shower, and you’re ready to start the show
Living In The Material World (Does He?)
I’m not one on board the Trump train,
Whose passengers all are insane.
Crass ambition and vanity
Far outweigh sanity.
Hold on for a trip down the drain.
Trump thinks he’s America’s king
With bling, sting!, and lots of cha-ching
(In inverse proportion
To brains). This distortion
Leads to *ing up everything…
OOPS! I FORGOT TO RHYME !!! another try:
After your morning caffeine
You feel abundantly “lean and mean”
Then you go to work
And feel like a jerk
Because all you’re doing is “peein”
Build castles and forts in the sand;
They seem strong, and secure, ain’t they grand!
But they never stay,
The waves wash them away.
Like illusions of a peaceful Homeland.
While others were kept out of reach,
Chris Christie sat there on the beach.
Then, watching him bark
At some major league park;
This turnip is really a peach.
SUMMER FUN AT THE SENIOR CENTER
Our bathing suits are in good taste
They’re gold, silver and intricately laced
We do the crawl
And have a ball
So what if our boobs are down to our waist
A guy paid for hookers and blow
‘Cause he craved stimulation. And so,
His heart was so stressed
It blew up in his chest.
Use caffeine. It’s the safe way to go.
Her customer called himself “Ted”;
She’d start off with coffee, then head.
As she moved down below,
Steve Bannon sighed “No…
I’ve been there and done that.” he said.
‘
I lost my wallet on the train
It drove me totally, downright insane
My credits cards are gone
So I had to log on
I now have enough for “two cents plain”
John Kelly appears to be not
Too thrilled with the job that he got.
From attempting to train
Trump’s minuscule brain,
He stares at his footwear a lot.
SUMMER FUN (BURN??)
In Chicago we have the most beautiful lake
It’s just a few blocks down from the famous “Drake”
In New Jersey’s the “shore”
Who could ask for more
Use sunscreen for BOTH or you’ll shake and bake
I can’t continue to rhyme with train
I think I’m becoming really insane
Mad hurt her wrist
She’s surely been missed
But I’m feeling an explosion in my dwindling brain
**********
From Mad Kane: I’m hoping to be back mid-September with the results and a new rhyme challenge.
UPDATE 4 — AUGUST 20: I’m making progress and hoping to resume my Limerick-Offs mid-September. In the meantime, feel free to continue writing “train” rhyme limericks and limericks with any of these themes: GARDENING, DOCTORS, SUMMER FUN, &/OR CAFFEINE.
On the off chance that anyone is still interested, I’ll be resuming my Limerick-Off challenges on September 17.
Of course we’re still interested, Mad.
For some, it’s the most fun we’ve had.
Your challenges show
What the world ought to know;
The limerick’s not some passing fad.
Said Obama, “I’m trying to train
A creature who’s rabid, insane.
The mad dog replaced me,
But now he’s disgraced me –
He’s pissed in the White House again.”
Ph.D.s are doctors too…
He’s a Ph.D. chemist who’s shown
There are dangers to working alone.
Nitroglycerin fell,
Blew his lab all to hell.
(There are far nicer ways to get blown.)
I don’t actually have a problem with this, but thought the limerick would be fun.
I’m really not one to complain
But the length of this contest? Insane!
The awards that we’ve missed?
It’s Mad’s wretched bum wrist
And the word of the “week”? It’s still “train”.
I had another use for the 3/4 rhyme in the last limerick.
Mad’s Day at the Doctor
To a crummy old clinic she’d come
Said the doctor: “What’s wrong? You look glum.”
But the last word was missed
When she said, “My bum wrist.”
And the doctor then checked out her bum.
Last Sunday we went to the beach;
But water was way out of reach.
It seemed rather weird
That it all disappeared!
(As Irma was starting to breech)
“It’s coming back bigly!” they said;
“To safety is where you should head.”
We thought for a while,
Then agreed with a smile;
We’ll go to Miami instead…
That wasn’t the very best plan.
With palm trees like blades on a fan,
We took in the sights
Of a hurricane’s frights
While floating around in our van.
This weekend (early Sept. 17) I’ll finally be posting the results of this Limerick-Off … plus a NEW Limerick-Off.
Pelosi and Schumer will train
Their sights on a deal to remain
In the loop and survive;
As they manage to drive
McConnell and Ryan insane.
A reminder that my Limerick-Off challenges are finally returning this weekend, now that my wrists can handle all that typing and editing.
After such a long hiatus, straggler entries seem unlikely. But just in case, the deadline is tomorrow night, September 16 (Saturday) at 10 pm eastern.
Though you can’t get to Israel by train
And for six months a year there’s no rain,
Our list of Nobel
Prizes shows just how well
Israelis make use of the brain.
Oh, how I do wish I could train
My MD to be kind and not vain!
Why is it that vets
Who look after our pets
Are gentler and far more humane?
After a REALLY long hiatus (don’t blame ME, blame my stupid broken wrist) the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 281.
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, our Themed Limerick Winners, and to the Honorable Mention winners.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Rest.