Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Buy/Bye/By/Bi at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Buy/Bye/By/Bi at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to Clumsiness, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Clumsiness-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 16, 2017 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 15, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here are my TWO limericks:
We are trying to find a good buy
On a car, and we’re desperate. Why?
Cuz our Camry was drowned,
And drenched engines (we’ve found)
Don’t rebound but, instead, fry and die.
and
A cute-looking man sauntered by,
Spun around and returned, saying “hi.”
Then he lured me with lore,
Stories hard to ignore,
And I ended up wed to the guy.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Automobile Humor, Car & Driving Humor, Communication, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage, Money Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
The best Congress that money can buy,
Led by Ryan, a helluva guy,
Tried to kill A.C.A.
But too many said “nay”
‘Cause they just couldn’t see eye to eye.
My very first date was a klutz!
He would fidget and fumble and futz,
And while walking and joking
Where people were smoking,
He’d always bump into their butts.
They sneered when I said I would buy
A fat pig, and then teach it to fly.
“Are you crazy?” they laughed,
“Pigs with wings? Are you daft?”
I pointed to Trump, flying high.
The bimbo was learning to fly,
And he thought she was ready to try.
“Take my joystick”, he said,
So she knelt to give head;
As she went down, they went down … Goodbye!
“Well, thank you,” she said with a sigh.
“It wasn’t too bad for a guy,
But my dear friend Loretta
Can do it much better –
I’m seeing her soon, bi and bi.”
“Okay, girls, you’ve been warned – here he comes!
Get protecting your pussies and bums.
He’s a ham-handed fool,
But he’s starting to drool,
And you know he’s all fingers and thumbs.”
A woman was dating three guys
Feeding each a tissue of lies
She promised to marry
Tom Dick and Harry
Then ‘turned’ and eloped with a ‘bi’
According to my dear old Mumsy
I’m nothing if not very clumsy
I fell down. Now, blast!
My leg’s in a cast
For I just cannot walk and chew gum, see?
She has hair from her head to her toes
Since it’s cold with Siberian snows.
Should I go out and buy
Her a ring she’d ask “Why?”
Proof of love is what warms her and glows.
Queer cross-dresser let out a big sigh;
Census Form asked THIS question, but why?
After thinking a sec,
These three boxes were checked:
“Lesbian”, “Gay”, “Transgender”; not “Bi”
In the clumsy category:
Got to “third base”, but kept his control;
After all, this first date’s on a roll!
But his digit smelled funny,
Just like shit, not like honey.
Guess that he must’ve fingered wrong hole.
The Republican agenda’s not new.
It’s what they’ve always been trying to do.
But as hard as they try
American won’t buy…
Freedom and Justice for few!
Disappear, Donald Trump! Go! Bye bye!
We need you to leave! Hear our cry!
What you do does appall;
We don’t want your damned wall!
Protecting you’s draining us dry.
I’m upset so I shop and I buy!
Not great to do, I can’t deny.
I have no more room,
Need to stop, I assume.
Oh, look! What a lovely tie-dye!
The best government money can buy..
Corporate profits! So what, people die.
Their policies appall;
Our rights in a downfall.
We need a huge, public outcry.
Like a bull in a large china shop,
Most things he’d bump into or drop.
He sometimes would fall,
A boozy screwball!
He knew that his drinking must stop.
There are certain things money can’t buy.
Like good character-don’t even try.
The Donald’s a disgrace,
He makes his own case.
Just a thin-skinned, bully, tough guy.
Advice from the President
“I’m so great! If you wanna know why,
There’s a book that you really should buy.
It’s ‘The Art of the Deal’,
How to cheat and to steal –
If you’re found out, just lie, lie and lie.”
There was a young lady named Vi
Who was proudly and openly bi.
So she wasn’t upset
When the man that she met
Said that he wasn’t really a guy.
EDITED!
There once was a hot, selfish guy,
Who was known for his bang and good-bye.
It was a “slam/bam”,
A quick, “thank you, Ma’m!’
And then, “What just happened?”, she’d cry.
How I wish I could walk without stumbling
Or to work with my hands without fumbling.
Tired of being a klutz.
It’s just driving me nuts.
And it’s really incredibly humbling.
My hot coffee spilled over her lap.
My sad face didn’t miss her sharp slap
And my brain felt like rain
Without rivers to drain.
Without coffee my mind tripped the trap.
Coloradans are able to buy
Marijuana. They hope the supply
Is enough for the folks
Who enjoy many tokes.
Marijuana support is real high.
Colorado’s new pot law is why
Many potheads will go out and buy
Lots of snacks. They’ll deplete
Shelves of candy that’s sweet.
M&Ms stock is now flying high.
At the slaughterhouse, man had a wry
Sense of humor. Whenever he’d buy
Any donkeys, the guy
Hung up mistletoe. Why?
He’d say, “Folks, kiss your asses goodbye.”
Played Luke Skywalker tennis. The guy
Was real good. As each volley whizzed by,
I would give it a whack;
Never did hit it back.
Couldn’t beat the Return of the Jedi.
She said with a sad heartfelt sigh:
“I just have to ask ‘Are you bi?'”
I took in those lips
And incredible hips
And I told her, “You’ve just turned me ‘try.'”
I’m sorry, I should have proofed before posting…but would you mind adding the ‘ before the close quotation mark and changing “tri” to “try”?
From MBK I made your two changes. But I’m wondering if you should have quotes around ‘try’ for clarity.
Once I ran for the trolley downtown,
I tripped, ending up on the ground
I rolled several feet
On that cold crowded street
And someone yelled loudly, “Touchdown!”
*fyi: true story (minus “touchdown” lol
I think you’re right about “try.” If you wouldn’t mind changing it? Thanks so much…! xoxoxoxo
From MBK: Done.
What an absolute creep of a guy!
You cheat, you get caught and you lie —
And when I move out,
You spread it about
That I’m miffed ’cause I found out you’re bi?!
My co-worker’s really a dick!
He **said** he was calling in sick —
But he phoned from the train
On the way to the plane…
What a clumsy, ridiculous trick!
PEDIATRIC OFFICE
The babies come in and wave Bye Bye
Realize where they are and start to cry
There’s Dr. Shot !!
It hurts a lot !!
I don’t want that needle right in my thigh!
CLUMSINESS
I went to the hospital and got a new hip
The very next day I had a bad slip
My husband left me for a girl named Leigh
He fell in love with her brand new knee
There once was a man from Dubai
Who gave Kama Sutra a try
With creative coitions
And parlous positions
He managed to poke out an eye.
I stumbled upon a great guy,
And jew’lry he would always buy.
But, alas, he was shady,
He had another lady,
So I happily said goodbye.
When the love of my life said goodbye,
For a while I did little but cry.
Then I longed for a do
With a new style and hue—
I just wanted to curl up and dye.
The American Dream: To achieve it
You must work very hard to receive it
They deliver this lie
With a brief lullaby
For you must be asleep to believe it.
I slipped when I went to unscrew
The lightbulb; my hands were wet, too;
So the jolt from the socket
Blew my phone from my pocket
And landed it — splash! — in the loo.
I went on “Match” to meet a guy
He seemed quite nice, a little shy
We went to meet his mother
I need to find another
Adios, au revoir, and goodbye
Clumsiness limericks:
The table saw use had demanded
A skill that he hadn’t commanded.
When he goofed, the result
Was he didn’t exult.
The accident left him short-handed.
His skill with the saw wasn’t grand.
The cutting did not go as planned.
The tragedy lingers,
But he crossed his fingers,
And now he is great at shorthand.
The accident was a humdinger.
Not long at the saw did he linger.
Didn’t want to converse
With the mean E.R. nurse.
Instead, he just gave her the finger.
When the pain in his fingers expanded,
In much agony man was then stranded.
When the treatment had ceased,
The doc said, “Well at least
You will not go away empty-handed.”
As he lay back at home in his bed,
Doctor’s wit seemed to ring in his head.
In the morn, he awoke
And recalled surgeon’s joke:
“I will keep you in stitches,” he said.
The man whined to his buddy named Greg,
Who replied, “I’m afraid I must beg
To differ. ‘Twas bad,
But you should be glad
It did not cost an arm and a leg.
In rehab he now will embark.
It won’t be a walk in the park.
All his friends were quite nice
‘Cause they took wife’s advice:
Please don’t make a cutting remark.
Finger damage is bad, and now we’ll
Have to wait for some rehab until
We’ll know whether or not
His bad fingers are shot,
If he must finger out a new skill.
My love said “I just don’t know why
You think a new dress you must buy;
Try the costume of Eve!”
…I don’t really believe
That my figure allows me to try…
There are more than a few reasons why
You should read the fine print ere you buy:
Must be present to win,
Avoid contact with skin,
And, of course, some restrictions apply.
I thought I felt a push
Then fell right on my tush
I carefully got back up
Then fell on my Shana Cup
Down again I went
Now my arms were bent
I fell on my belly
And broke a jar of jelly
Never again will I frequent Manny’s Kosher Deli
I had stopped ‘cause this gal caught my eye.
When I hit on her, she wasn’t shy.
“Shall we call my friend Rudy?
He would love your tight booty.”
But I chose to keep passing on bi.
You idiot! WatchI’m a klutz. But I’m truly contrite, where you’re going!
I believe an apoSo I’ll hide on this Limerick site.logy’s owing,
You oaf. You’ve Since the writers are agile, reversed
Into where I verAnd nothing here’s fragilesed first…
Now this limeriI can’t damage anything — right?ck’s wrecked, and needs towing.
Boy, am I old
I went with a happy sigh
To the music store to buy
A Johnny Mathis tape
Called “Dream and Escape”
“Chances Are”….we don’t have it too da loo and goodbye
Kicked a table and let out a yell;
Lost my balance and awkwardly fell.
Unaware it was there,
Thumped my head on a chair.
Zapped myself with a taser, as well!
I went with a very happy sigh
To the music store to try and buy
A Johnny Mathis tape
Called “Dream and Escape’
“CHANCES ARE, Mam, we cannot comply
I KNOW HOW TO SPELL COMPLY
From MBK: I fixed it for you.
I went on Match to meet a guy
He seemed quite nice; a little shy
We went to meet his mother
I need to find another
Adios, au revior, and a final good bye
His new neighbor, Ted, made him sigh
So he figured he’d give it a try
He gave Ted the stare,
Which got him nowhere
Ted was close, but wasn’t near bi
He was awkward, and trembled with fear
As he tried to unhook her brassiere.
Soon her straps got so mangled
And twisted and tangled
They’d baffle a trained engineer.
He wrestled and pulled, but his fits
Just further entangled his mitts.
So she fought him, and struck him…
But though she’s unstuck him,
I fear he’s rotated her tits.
TRUE STORY, THIS SECOND
I’m flying tonight! Going places!
But now, I must just pack my cases.
Let’s see how this goes…
Dropped the {bleep} on my toes
And brought laughter to everyone’s faces!!
Comment on the last one. I wrote:
Dropped the [left pointed bracket] bleep [right pointed bracket] on my toes
but that whole word (“bleep”) was erased by your software. Can you put it in, in either pointed or regular brackets? Thanks!
From MBK: Done.
DECISIONS, DECISIONS, Kay Davies and Richard Schear
I just don’t know what to buy
A cake or a blueberry pie
I just can’t decide
So I’ll go inside
And maybe the both I will try.
DECISIONS, DECISIONS limerick
My husband and I came up with this while trying to teach our new dog some sofa manners…a little bit of limerick, a little bit of “No, not there!” and back to a little bit more limerick.
There once was a charmer named Ed
Who could get any babe into bed.
Was he accident-prone
With these chicks he would bone?
‘Cause I heard he kept knocking ‘em dead.
At the airport, I’m waiting to fly
When a cute looking pilot walks by;
Me: “I see you’ve got wings!”
He: “And other nice things —
But I’m off now to Spain, so good bye!”
No matter how hard I try
I can’t seem to meet the right guy;
Som other girl it seems
Grabbed the man of my dreams,
Or else he converted to Bi.
He said “My throat’s going dry,
Come on, Kathy, It’s your turn to buy;”
But while quaffing his Bud
He fell down in the mud,
So I toasted, “Here’s mud in your eye!”
As sunset fills the Florida sky,
Weary Mum sings a soft lullaby;
She is soon overcome
By her own soothing hum —
Till the baby falls off the lanai.
I attempted to make a cream pie
With the best chocolate money could buy;
Something went very wrong,
Did I bake it too long?
As a dessert, it was desert dry.
When shopping on Amazon I
Often cannot decide what to buy;
This in blue? That in red?
Oh, my poor aching head!
Just buy all and then hoard the supply!
Hi, Mad,
In my limerick about the cream pie, there is a “But” that should not be there in the third line. Would you please remove it?
Thanks!
Kathy
From MBK: Done.
Of her dressmaking skills she had doubt.
“I sew like an oaf!” she would pout.
Her hubby said, “Chill,
It’s a cheap piece of twill,
And nothing worth hemming about.”
Our politicians are in oversupply
And parliament’s both a creche and a sty;
But we should be quite proud
Of our political crowd—
They’re the best that money can buy.
The rich don’t believe, when they die,
That a camel could pass through the eye
Of a needle before
They would cross Heaven’s door:
They believe in the “Sweet Buy and Buy”.
He’ll sleep with a gal or a guy,
And he’ll pay to escape when they try
His case in the court,
Saying “Judge, be a sport.
Let this guy who is bi buy a bye.”
He displays two left feet in a dance.
And in sports, can he win? Not a chance!
So it’s sure when he’s skating,
He’s oft contemplating
The stain on the seat of his pants.
Mine’s here:
GROUCH POTATO
Thanks for another great prompt!
So, Nurse: are you wondering why
A newborn like me needs to cry?
Read this tag: how could I be
Named “Baby Boy Bybee”?!
(Sing: lullaby, bye, baby bye.)
I had to put this limerick up externally, because there was no way I could get the formatting to work properly otherwise:
OOPS!
*****
From MBK: Very clever! I certainly understand why you had to post it externally! Thanks!
You’re pregnant again? Shazzam!
You’re sexually clumsy, madame!
To turn back the seed,
Oh my God, do I need
To draw you a diaphragm?
Monotonous: my Uncle Spence
A gloater without much pretense
Overbearing, not shy
I can’t abide by
The banal of my existence
A Christian’s Lament
I think that I’ll now say goodbye
To my boss, who’s a miserable guy.
All my colleagues at work
Said “Shove off!” to this jerk.
And the name of the dude? William Bligh.
He’s mighty and rich, so pompously high,
and rules just seem not to apply.
But though he’s no Ron,
Don still has the ‘con’,
so what makes me think “Sweet By and By”?
An airline showed clumsy PR
And their customer service? Bizarre.
If you’re not in first class
They just might kick your ass.
If you’re not into pain, go by car.
She shudders, dressed only in skorts
He’s freezing, and visibly snorts
Embracing, they quiver
They rub and they shiver
And he’s only come in his shorts
I met a nice good natured guy
Who seemed quite nice, (a little shy)
When I smelled his breath
It was a fate worse than death
I told him “I’ll see you on the bi and bi”
Running out of bumwipe ain’t a plan
While you’re dropping your load in the can
You will prob’ly get by
If you just let it dry
It takes time, so don’t cry; be a man!
True story:
Though from scratch, I love making a pie
It is not really worthwhile to buy
Takes an hour to do
With ingredients, too
Final price is, for you, much too high.
(so I give them for nothing, that’s why)
Can somebody please tell me why
Almost all men hate having to buy?
What the guys find appalling
The gals find enthralling
A trip to the mall makes them high!
At the airport, she started to cry
And there wasn’t a tissue nearby
As her soul’s only mate
Slowly walked through the gate
She would stay there and wait till he’d fly.
A pool of tears filled up each eye
As she watched the plane take to the sky
She turned ’round all distraught
Gave up love on the spot
And she knew she would not even try.
She went back to her car with a sigh
Dropped her keys, and the curses would fly
But that soon had to change
As she saw, within range,
Them retrieved by a stranger nearby.
She looked up and she thought she would die
He came back, yes, her very own guy!
And that’s suddenly when
He embraced her and then
Said, “I’ll never again say goodbye!”
High heels and steep stairs are a worry
Especially when in a hurry
You may end up instead
In a hospital bed
And the eyes in your head will go blurry.
As soon as she met with her date
She regretted, but it was too late
So she cooked up a plan
Just to turn off that man
Till he’d run where his van would await.
She’d make sure she was queen of the klutz
She’d chew loudly, then belch from her guts
She would promptly pass gas
Then spill wine from her glass
Till the wine reached his ass and his nuts.
Tripping on her own feet, she did best
Then she’d fall till her hair was all messed
I say, what a great job
She had done as a slob
As she sneezed a green blob on his chest.
Then she told him, “You’re in for a treat!”
As she picked her nose. Isn’t that sweet?
If that wasn’t enough
She’d start eating the stuff
Doing that was a tough kind of feat.
“You’re the girl of my dreams! Kinda clumsy
Do come visit my Pops and my Mumsy!
We are hillbillies, too
And my folks would love you
‘Cause you’re bumsy, it’s true, and quite dumbsy.”
She excused herself, ran to the loo
Where a shit failure soon would ensue
So although she had sinned
She refused to be pinned
Well then, out through the window she flew!
Another true story, combining both categories:
My brother’s new kitten’s too sly —
Tripped me up as she scampered on by!
Banged my knee and my wrist
And got royally pissed.
Laughed my niece: “Oh, you’ve learned how to fly!”
How clumsy of Putin to buy
That the Donald’s the type of a guy
Who means what he says–
He’s the *runaway* prez–
Never listen! And *never* rely!
It no longer is fun in July
To watch girls in bikinis go by.
When I gaze at a rump,
I’m reminded of Trump,
And my red-blooded glee goes awry.
North Korea? I’ve tried to rebuke ’em,
But nothing I say seems to spook ’em.
Their fat boy’s called Kim –
I’ve a Fat Boy for him.
Ooops! Clumsy me! Did I just nuke ’em?
There’s danger with Kim, that is true
One goof and he’ll execute you
As the years have gone by
Even brothers would die
Plus his barber, Yuk Sum Dum Do
At noon, if you see us drift by,
In my hot air balloon on the fly,
I’ll be serving a luncheon.
It’s quiche we’ll be munchin’.
We’re eating a pie in the sky.
If you think you are smooth when you bellow
Just remember, you really are yellow
You’re a scared, clumsy guy
You think ‘tough’ gets you by
You’re a bull-in-a-china-shop fellow!
“I’m sorry” she said with a sigh;
“It’s over – I’ve met a new guy.”
An unbearable thought
For a ring he had bought;
“How could she with such a good buy?”
They stumble, then bumble and fumble;
We grumble their tumble will crumble.
Can they fix and enforce
An intelligent course?
This White House is never so humble.
A guy let his chances slip by,
How quickly his hopes went awry.
Though the gal was quite eager,
His odds became meager,
He just couldn’t unzip his fly.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Clumsiness-Themed Limerick Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick-Off Award 275.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Hear.