Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LIST or ENLIST at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using LIST or ENLIST at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LAZINESS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LAZINESS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 5, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 4, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
While at work, I created a list
Of reasons I’m listless and pissed.
When it grew rather long,
I blissed out on a bong,
Until caught doing wrong and dismissed.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Anger Verse, Checklist Humor, Competition Limerick, Job Loss Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, List Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Workplace & Career Humor, Writing Prompts
New York Times has created a list*
Of the 300 entities dissed
By the Great Orange Clown —
Who should soon be shut down
With an order to cease and desist!
* Twitter Insults
A bloke who was regularly pissed
Developed an unfortunate list.
It so lead him astray,
In a circular way,
That when he fell to the ground, he missed.
No computer for Conrad; instead,
He did staggering sums in his head!
All were shocked at the ease —
Till one teacher snapped “He’s
Just too lazy to get out of bed.”
Madeleine, you have slightly disgraced
Yourself, and you’ll soon be red-faced:
I don’t mean to be arch,
But the deadline’s in March!
(You were lazy at copy-and-paste…)
From MBK: LOL! Sorry for the confusion, and thanks for alerting me. I’ve fixed the dates in my post. (I definitely need to get more sleep. :) )
When I think of the dates I have missed,
All those things left undone, I insist
I must write them all down,
But I stop with a frown
When I reach “Number 1: make a list.”
How do I hate thee? Let me quickly list
the ways you leave me angry, upset, pissed:
I hate your freakin’ hair, okay?
I hate everything you do, and say!
I’ll hate you till your bigoted ass is dismissed!
Laziness is a VIRTUE. Yes, it’s true!
The less we do, the less there’s to undo!
I give as my example Trump:
that strange, high-energy Heffalump.
Yes, less is more when Dumbo ass-embles the crew!
He was waving his minuscule fist
As he read out the names on his list.
“Fake news! They’re all scum!
But the day will soon come
When those traitors will cease to exist!”
Someday Mr. Trump will be missed
But four years is too far down the list.
So let’s opt for two
(Or a half-year might do).
The voters and media? Pissed.
Macbeth has second thoughts
Said Macbeth, “If ’twere done when ’tis done,
Then knocking off kings might be fun.
But it sounds like hard work;
That’s a thing that I shirk.
Where’s my wife? … Here’s the knife, honeybun.”
President Trump was quite pissed
When seeing as guests on a list,
The Congressional Black Caucus,
“You know they’ll just mock us,”
Said the white power recidivist.
A while ago, I made a list
Of all of the tasks that I missed
I would list, one by one
All the things I had done
But that list simply doesn’t exist.
What a wonderful pair, Brahms and Liszt! *
Two composers I cannot resist.
They provide such delight
Every booze-sodden night …
* (That’s a Cockney expression for “pissed”)
Farmer Jones had an indolent cat
Who did nothing but sleep and grow fat.
She would never catch mice —
Did she think it’s not nice?
No, she just was too lazy for that.
She ended up with a long list
Of guys she had dated and kissed.
The list was much larger,
Of those she went farther-
The hot guys she couldn’t resist
It seems that we need to enlist,
Divine powers to get Trump dismissed.
We know God helps those,
Who themselves do dispose.
I know that you do get my gist.
Tried to name all the guys that she’s kissed.
It was quite an incredible list.
She could name several score
And then quite a few more,
Not including the ones that she missed!
“Oh, Doctor! This thing on my wrist —
I think it’s a ganglion cyst!”
Doc thought, “No, it ain’t;
It’s only Complaint
No. 72 on your list!”
She felt good with her entry for “list”,
Then she saw what he wrote- she got pissed.
Of all topics to choose,
Why pick HERS, to amuse?
A taunting he couldn’t resist?
I’m really not lazy; I”m tired.
All the politics makes me hot-wired.
The stress gets me down,
Trump’s a threat, not a clown.
In this crisis, we are all mired.
The kid tried really hard to resist
When they tried to get him to enlist.
But he soon got the shaft
And got caught in the draft.
You had better believe he was pissed!
I’m the guy that they call Gerendasy.
Lots of people believe that I’m lazy.
They insist that I’ll shirk
Any labor or work.
My response? They have got to be crazy!
A list of words rhyming with “list”?
I won’t bother with “pissed”, “missed” or “kissed” —
Hmmm, there’s “cyst”, “fist” and “tryst”,
“Whist”, “wrist”, “schist”, “gist” and “grist” —
Now, should I persist, or desist?
The damsel knows something’s not right.
She’s disgusted when guys want to fight
So she scratched off her list
All those knights whom she kissed,
But that dragon is such a delight.
Jest the Gist, Please ~
Perhaps if I made up a list
Of the Limericks I try to enlist
‘gainst the Trump and his Gang
(Oh, I wish they’d all hang!)
I’d get to the heart of the gist.
The grandkid set off to enlist
But was given a slap on the wrist,
Though thinking it fun
To go shooting a gun
She’s too young to have ever been kissed!
Much work to do now, I won’t quit.
Though the ocean’s so lovely, sun-lit.
Rather laze on the beach,
Unconcerned, out of reach.
So want to be there, I’ll admit.
She had a quite large Bucket List
Of things to do, not to be missed.
She looked at the specs,
They all involved sex.
But in travel locales, she’d insist.
Right up at the top of the list
Of those in whose tummy my fist
I’d like to plant hard
Is that barrel of lard
Whose way to the White House did twist.
Oh 45, you’re on my shit list
All your Cabinet picks I resist
Round and round you jerk us
With your media circus
As Big Business slams down their fist
I know I’m to get out of bed
I’m trying but legs feel like lead
I think I’ll just shirk
The whole day of work
Or just work it out in my head
Some management suck-ups insist
On a method to move up the list.
They’re climbing the charts
By clinging to parts
Of executive asses they kissed.
“It’s not that I’m lazy,” he said;
“I can’t seem to get out of bed.”
With his girlfriend named Nell
And a film crew as well;
That’s how he keeps getting ahead.
A gal who would go all the way;
Was a master of naughty foreplay.
She had a small list
Of guys she just kissed,
Despite the horny fellows’ dismay.
SWEET MUSIC
Fran’s paper was tight in Fred’s fist
As they paused at the threshold, and kissed.
Now to market he skips
With a tune on his lips:
It’s Frederic shoppin’; Fran’s list.
How’s a lim like a genome? The gist:
Both consist of a well-defined list.
Lims have words; genes have bases
In specified places,
And both are tied up with a twist.
Wishful Thinking
There was a strange dude with a list
of every gal he’d groped and kissed
without their consent.
His black book was sent
to Congress. He’s since been dismissed!
There once was a lazy-ass pres
who golfed in a weird orange fez.
Every drive that he hit
would end in a fit
’cause the ball never does what he says!
His caddies must do all the work
as the Donald pretends, with a smirk,
that he’s well below par.
Pants-on-Fire, you are!
But Obama was better, you jerk!
The teacher admonished the boy,
“Your slothfulness brings me no joy.
When you come from your Mama’s
To school in pajamas,
It really begins to annoy.”
With a blush and a stammer, he said:
“I did try wearing school clothes to bed –
But in pants and a shirt,
I can’t get at the dirt –
So I shower in PJs, instead.”
Procrastinate? Me? Heavens, no —
Although I’m infernally slow,
The word for my wait
Should be “Am-crastinate”
(I’m too lazy to ever go Pro).
Sure, I’m fond of that yellowing Note
Our political ancestors wrote;
And good schools. And clean air.
And a system that’s fair.
But I just can’t be bothered to vote.
What’s that? Did you call me a jerk,
And say that my duty I shirk?
That I loaf? I malinger?
I’d give you the finger,
If lifting it wasn’t such work.
Chubby Checker invented the Twist;
The Moonwalk was top of the list.
And now we advance
To the Kellyanne dance;
Her minuet shouldn’t be missed.
He started on top of the list;
But then was summarily dissed.
Chris Christie now knows
What the new Cabinet shows:
Smooch backsides he shouldn’t have missed.
My Lim’ricks grow intimately,
Then just kind of burst out of me.
This one grew with with passion,
Then, after a fashion,
Sank down to a state of ennui.
A lazy composer named Lizst
Wrote musical notes on his fist.
With preludes and sonatas
Liebestraume and cantatas
Scribbled tall over his wrist
I’m sure that this lim’s gonna win,
As certain as I’ve ever been.
Could it lose? I’d say never
It’s ever so clever.
Except I’m too lazy to fin.
A guy has his shorts in a twist:
He’s been dating two gals; now they’re pissed.
He duped Sheila and Anne;
Now the sh*t’s hit the fan.
In the Peace Corps he’ll have to enlist.
Now, what should I do with my time?
To waste it would be such a crime.
Though Everest tempts me,
My nature exempts me –
I just can’t be bothered to climb.
Intelligence briefings proceed
Without Trump,who refuses to heed.
It’s not that he’s crazy,
Or feckless, or lazy –
He never could learn how to read.
Was laziness the original sin?
“Try this apple”, beguilingly hissed
The old serpent. “You’ll learn what you’ve missed.”
But Adam said “Thanks,
There’s less effort in wanks –
Heavy sex is way down on my list.”
In my cubicle, everything’s fine;
The chair is all set to recline.
This morning’s been tough
And I’ve just had enough;
It’s already quarter to nine.
As a battle-scarred limericist,
I decided I ought to enlist
In the army that fights
For poetical rights …
But instead, I stayed home and got pissed.
Old radio stations would list
All the songs we just couldn’t resist.
Top 40 was great;
Now our musical state
Drifts along like a ship in the mist.
At the POTUS I growled and I hissed,
Shouting curses and clenching my fist.
Happens each time I see
His fat mug on TV.
Lots of reasons, too many to list.
Because he was acting so pissed,
His minions had made up a list.
Then wielding a broom
To clean out the room;
“Fake media? They won’t be missed.”
Reporters were getting the gist;
So then they declined to enlist.
As he entered the hall,
Empty chairs wall-to-wall;
Nobody was there to be dissed.
But still, he proceeded to whine:
“You losers are no friends of mine!”
With tiny hands flailing,
Continuous wailing
From out where the sun doesn’t shine.
While exploring an untraveled piste
I savoured a huge eyeball feast
Kookaburras and rabbits
Wombats and their habits
All part of my “bush tucker” list.
Alas, I’ve forgotten my list
Of foods that I need to subsist.
Like a child running free
On a fun shopping spree
I’ve bought things I cannot resist.
It’s drizzling outside, feeling lazy,
Can’t see down the street, it’s all hazy.
Won’t go out, so instead,
I’ll just stay warm in bed;
Black out that the world’s going crazy.
His blather they couldn’t resist;
So many red flags were dismissed.
Then the point of despair:
“I do solemnly swear…”
The Ship of State started to list.
If I made money hand over fist,
I could buy all the things on my list.
But who needs all that stuff?
What I have is enough.
Really isn’t a lot that I’ve missed!
Those were the Bad Old Days
It was ROTC or enlist,
Or be drafted, or bravely resist.
With those choices (absurd!),
I was lucky (deferred).
That war, I’m so glad to have missed.
A certain German high ranking Buddhist,
Sees no need to create a to do list.
He gains traction,
Through studied inaction,
Denken, was die Bedeutung von mu ist
A man who had once made a list
Of all of the girls he has kissed
Had now, as his aim
To ignite an old flame
He was going to try for a tryst
His advances were quickly dismissed
When he asked them, they only got pissed
And now he is lonely
It’s him and him only
And all he has left is his wrist.
An MBA student named Jenny
Has assets desired by many.
Says counselor Rob:
“Lying down on the job
Isn’t lazy – you’re worth every penny.”
They told me “You should write a sonnet;
Proper poets have all undergone it.”
Fourteen lines? Are you crazy?
No way, I’m too lazy.
Now, limericks – five lines, I’m on it.
I once had a strict Frenchy nanny
Who said you’re as lazy as Granny
There is no excuse
To be paresseuse
And sit tous les jours on your fanny
The P.O.T.U.S. is royally pissed;
Somebody injected a list
Of ACTUAL facts
For his Twitter attacks…
Ivanka, you’re going to be missed.
CORRECTION, PLEASE DELETE PREVIOUS SUBMISSION
Comrade Putin did somehow enlist
Our President right into his midst.
Now we must endure
Until his censure.
In the meantime we’re rightfully pissed!
These days I’ve grown weary and hazy;
Without being worn-out or lazy.
I’d certainly jump
For a life without Trump;
Not spending my time going crazy.
I was more than a little bit pissed
To find my mom’s name on his list
Of fantasy booty
I asked him, how could he?
He answered, “It’s all in the wrist.”
I’ve got two for this week, but the first one takes a rather broad interpretation of the word “list”:
A composer whose name was Franz Liszt
wrote a song to the woman he missed
But there were many more
who wished they were the score;
Too bad that they only got kissed.
And then something more “traditional”:
A dirty old man with a cyst
had a laptop which he did enlist
to search eHarmony,
not for matrimony,
but to set up a clandestine tryst!
Thanks for the prompt!
Here’s mine:
Upward Found — More often than not, the most important journeys require a few trips along the way.
A podiatrist named Dr. Hill
Spent night time in search of a thrill.
He’d go on Craigslist
And set up a tryst;
His patients were footing the bill.
With Lust, there’s the effort to screw.
For Glutt’ny, you bite off and chew.
For Wrath, it’s hard work
To get steamed like a jerk.
But with Sloth – hey! There’s naught you need do!
An acrostic:
So seven are deadly as sins
Lust and gluttony, where it begins
On to greed, wrath, and pride
Then envy beside
However, my sloth always wins.
Agent Orange has beat a retreat
From the “roast” where the journalists eat;
His ungraceful decline
Is an off-putting sign
Of where lazy and cowardly meet.
I’m thinking of writing a list
Of what makes me laugh till I’ve pissed
Well there’s models in hats
Like pink pussy cats
They had to explain me the gist.
I have 2:
I have a forty year old sis,
So lazy that she’s still a “Miss”,
‘Coz she’s groomed like a man,
Tis why none ask her hand.
(Made her an eHarmony list!)
I have decided to construct a list
Of all the people who’ve written “pissed”.
There’s so much writing to do…
So let’s just say forty two
If there’s more, sorry to whom I’ve missed!
17, including me & Mad.
The ship was beginning to list,
But the Captain and crew were all pissed.
They were so busy drinking
That even while sinking,
They thought it was just heavy mist.
Coming down from his Tower of Babble,
He ignited the rage of the rabble.
“Only I” he’d insist
“Am the one!” to enlist
As P.O.T.U.S., in which he could dabble.
The Italian man reads from a list
Of women he’s pleased to have kissed:
“I married a few
And divorced all but two.
My brain’s in a fog (big-a mist).”
Working Hard at Doing Nothing
For the mannequin challenge progressed
With the ringer tremendously blessed,
And the loser, a Goth
Was opposing a sloth
Who was tranquil and never depressed!
So, so sorry, Suzanne:
I was asked to write a fine verse
how laziness makes me feel worse.
But I discovered no fire,
no drive, no desire.
In fact it was quite the reverse.
Making a List and Checking It Twice
It was Angie who published the list.
The listees were obliged to assist.
As the profits compiled
From the users who dialed,
The idea would spread with a twist!
List list list list list list list list
En en en en en en en en
To to to to to
This this this this this
Super amazing rhyme less lim’rick!
(Listen to this super amazing rhyme less limerick)
(Back when Trump loved fake news so
much he invented someone to peddle it)
John Barron claimed “Such a big list
Of beautiful women he’s kissed.
They constantly ask;
My challenging task
Is scheduling those he has missed.”
A slow-moving river is lazy;
The sky can be bright, gray or hazy.
And now we affirm
With a human-like term
That bat shit’s instinctively crazy.
When I was at work one day,
Though I’d done all my jobs anyway,
My Boss said “Write a list
Or else you’ll be dismissed!😠 ”
So I wrote about why I hate Mondays.
😊☹😠
‘Happy, sad, angry, annoyed.
Just some emotions,’ wrote Lloyd
While constructing a list.
But notice that he missed
“Being miffed when your credit card’s void.”
A limerick? What are you crazy?
To be honest, I’m simply too lazy.
Besides, it’s real early
And I’ve got to feed Curly,
At this hour my brain is just hazy.
“My vehicle license expired,”
Said the biker. “It’s just not desired.
I could have renewed it.
By choice, I eschewed it.
Was I lazy? No, simply two-tired.”
Sean Spicer has tried to enlist
A demeanor that’s hard as a fist.
Since going to work
For the onion-skinned jerk,
His briefings aren’t spoken, they’re hissed.
Perhaps he should look back in time
When things were a bit more sublime.
Reporters could poke,
Inquire or joke;
And sitting there wasn’t a crime.
In the footsteps of Joe McCarthy
“Believe me, I gotta long list
Of traitors who’ve gotten me pissed
Spreading news that is fake,
And they’ll learn their mistake –
That it’s futile to try to resist.”
I am the world’s worst pessimist
My shrink asked me to make a list
Of happy thoughts
My total, nought
I left feeling even more pissed
Hey Mad I just discovered you and your limericks helped me with my poem anthology at school. I was just wondering how long does it take for you to write a limerick?
Thanks.
😊
From Mad: So glad to hear my limerick site has been helpful to you! As for how long it takes me to write a limerick, it varies widely: anywhere from five minutes to several hours. And alas, sometimes I end up abandoning a limerick because I’m not happy with its last line.
To my clock as I set it to “Snooze”
(Never quite for as long as I’d choose):
“I’m not lazy, you pest;
I am effing depressed;
So would you be, if you read the news!”
I have a bad pain in my wrist
While writing a very long list
Of all reason’s why
We’re going to fry
Coz we’re sure climate change does exist.
Edited to remove extra syllable in line 5:
“My vehicle license expired,”
Said the biker. “It’s just not desired.
I could have renewed it.
Too lazy? No, simply two-tired.”
Corrected to restore accidentally deleted line 4 (Oy!)
“My vehicle license expired,”
Said the biker. “It’s just not desired.
I could have renewed it.
By choice, I eschewed it.
Too lazy? No, simply two-tired.”
The Foggy-Foggy Do ~
“On Valentine’s Day they first kissed,
But missed in the midst of the mist,”
That’s short, direct quote
From a Limerick I wrote.
What came next? Why not write your own list?
When the cruise liner started to list
The cook had a mishap. The gist:
He fell right on a knife.
It was quite late in life
For a man to be suddenly brissed.
With a nod to Johnny Carson and Ed Ames
Some people know when to desist;
No angry response they’d enlist.
But others engage
A symbol of rage;
The fist on their wrist when they’re pissed.
Here I go again, making you wait
For my lim’ricks, which aren’t that great
My excuse is as such —
I procrastinate much
Got the magical touch of “too late.”
Oh, but this time, my brain cells are frizzy
I’m just working long hours till I’m dizzy
So I haven’t had time
To submit any rhyme
I suppose it’s a crime to be busy.
I once cooked a nice meaty broth
It was bubbling over with froth
My meal can ideally
Feel free to flow freely
Because I am really a sloth!
(say Line 4 five times really fast! Betcha can’t do it!)
I’m afraid, as a lottery winner
That I just might turn into a sinner
So I’ll make a big list
Of the fun that I’ve missed
While I’ll be a persistent beginner.
In the army, he sought to enlist
But the wife didn’t like it; she’s pissed!
She’s a nagging old snot
And he’d rather get shot
‘Cause with her, he cannot co-exist!
Your health care will vanish (be pissed!)
And the reasons why? GOP has a list
There is one that is not
Very fair, as they’ll spot
The conditions you’ve got pre-exist!
Wilt Chamberlain worked on a list
To name all the women he’s kissed
His pen ran out of ink
And he started to think
“Perhaps I’ve had too many trysts!”
Today should be lazy, I guess;
Ignore all this Donald Trump mess.
No rage over tweets
Or insidious bleats;
Unlikely, I’ll have to confess.
I have a friend who was quite lackadaisical
His way of life had become unsustainable
Since he needed to eat
He jumped up on his feet
And the results have been quite transformational
She was sick, so he said he’d assist
So she gave him a big shopping list
Condoms, tampons and pads
KY Jelly; egads!
Yes, some items he made sure he missed.
There once was a criminalist
Who solved a yuge crime with a twist
Cops arrested a pig
With a cat for a wig
But the handcuffs – too big for Trump’s wrist!
‘Twas hard to tell who was more pissed —
The cops or Trump shaking his fist
Oh, I’d have such a ball
And would sure take in all
That a fly on the wall would have missed!
His Self-Soothing Tongue ~
Every night, he creates a mixed gist,
(Quite a challenge for his floppy wrist),
Tweeting out his own facts,
Which puts quite a large tax
On all sooth seekers checking his list.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is… Limerick-Off Award 272.
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the LAZINESS-Themed Limerick Winner, The Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Bust.