Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SIGN at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SIGN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to RESOLUTIONS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best RESOLUTIONS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 8, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 7, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
When a gal asked a guy, “What’s your sign?”
He responded, “You’re way out of line!
“Don’t be nosy,” he cried.
“You just blew it,” she sighed.
No one scores with that Scorpio whine.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Astrology Humor, Astrology Limerick, Battle of the Sexes, Behavior, Competition Limerick, Dating, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Scorpio, Writing Prompts
. . . It is Christmas, and I’ve got the flu,
And there’s nothing for it I can do.
I sneeze and I cough,
And I feel well-pissed-off,
For I’ve missed your flu poesy, too.
After several more glasses of wine,
I was sure that she’d give me a sign.
Didn’t take very long
‘Til she came on real strong.
It was only a quarter past nine!
Hello baby, please tell me your sign.
If you tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine!
You have nothing to say?
Then I’ll be on my way.
That’s the last time I’ll use that old line!
Every year, when the earth’s done revolving,
We get down to the act of resolving.
Lofty promises made
Very shortly will fade.
Credibility’s quickly dissolving.
The geometry teacher felt fine
About getting a loan while on-line.
But his credit is awful,
So to make this deal lawful,
They need somebody else to cosine.
Resolutions get broken each year,
Such as giving up smoking and beer.
But I’ve found the solution:
Make NO resolution –
In that way my conscience is clear.
The guy knew to wait for a sign,
A smile on her face would do fine.
Then he thought he knew
That she wanted him, too.
T’was after he sloshed her with wine.
Since you asked, I will tell you my Sign..
I’m a VIrgo, which means I’m divine.
I’m perfectionist; HOT,
More often than not.
Which means that you’ve hit the goldmine.
So far, we’ve had many a sign
That Trump is a human landmine.
He’s rash and unstable,
But how to disable?
We need intervention, Divine.
New Year’s starts with such lofty ideals..
I can do this, one honestly feels.
Resolutions are broken
Soon after they’re spoken
And weakness is all it reveals.
“So ya wanna be President? Fine,”
Said the devil, “Your soul will be mine.”
But since Trump hadn’t got one,
The deal was a hot one.
“I’ll take it! Now, where do I sign?”
There’s one resolution I’ll keep,
I can’t be withdrawn or asleep.
Rights must be respected.
Our planet, protected.
Must fight now, not cower or weep.
Resolutions, both written and spoken
All too often turn out to be token.
Though our thoughts are sincere,
Our plans soon disappear.
Resolutions were meant to be broken!
There’s a cop at my door, a bad sign;
Has a dog; wants to know if it’s mine.
By the roadside, he said,
Dog gave birth. Why my dread?
I’ll be getting a littering fine.
My car drives nice and straight, is a sign
That the steering and wheels are just fine.
My mechanic says, “Try
An adjustment.” But I
Know he’s trying to feed me align.
Roasty-Toasty ~
Borgnine is a favorite of mine.
His life’s motto, a street vendor’s sign:
He thought ‘twas good form
Just to keep his nuts warm.
Set the World aflame? Not his design.
(Ernest Borgnine said as a young actor in NY, he saw a sign over a street-vendor’s chestnut-roasting cart during one Winter. It said,
“I Don’t Want To Set the World on Fire.
I Just Want to Keep My Nuts Warm.”)
Making bold resolutions is fun.
Some of us have already begun.
Promises we can’t keep
Get us in much too deep,
So I only resolve to make none!
Said The Donald, “Lord, gimme a sign
That ya think what I’m doin’ is fine.”
A lightning-bolt sped,
But it just singed his head.
“Me damn!” said the Lord. “Missed the swine!”
Their New Year’s Day pledge is a winner:
“By April, I’m going to be thinner…”
They’ll start a routine;
But then in between,
Workouts won’t matter – just dinner.
The bimbo had put out a sign
Saying “Pussy for sale.” It seemed fine,
But the queue at her door
Was expecting a whore,
And a kitten they had to decline.
I bumped into friend, David Klein
Who told me I didn’t look fine
He said, “Legal weed
Is the thing that you need.”
I just smiled and gave the high sign.
I’d resolved not to vote for a chump;
Now we’re cursed with one Donald J. Trump.
So I need a new pledge;
If I’m close to a ledge,
Resist the temptation to jump.
She said, all what’s yours is now mine
When on, that fated line, you did sign.
Well! You had best take, it all
As walked, we back down the hall
For here’s all the debts, I assign.
I’ll preface my Limerick with my Resolution:
Be It Resolved: ~
My New Year’s Resolution for 2017:
To Remember my New Year’s Resolution for 2017.
—
Easier Thought Than Done ~
Remember this Year’s Resolution?
Deceptively simple solution:
Resolve to Remember
Until next December.
Evasively hard execution.
This was nearly a limerick, I must try harder.
There was an old granny, much given to sighs
Who’d dress all her pastry, in little bow ties
As she ached to partake
For such baking’s sake
She’d only put ties, on those bloody pork pies.
The Magi were seeking the sign,
A star that would brilliantly shine.
But their quest was in vain,
For they found that insane
Old Reality Star – asinine!
I was hoping to have the fräulein;
Her smile seemed a welcoming sign.
I gave her a ten,
Saying “Let’s do it, then!”
But, alas, all she gave me was “Nein!”
They carried him up from the mine
Coughing blood. “But it can’t be a sign
Of some deadly disease,”
They said. “Trump guarantees
That it’s clean coal, you’re gonna be fine.”
Said President Trump, “I resign.
I’m so smart that I need to assign
All my genius to Twitter,
I’ve no time to fritter –
But President Pence will do fine.”
When last year had started anew,
I listed what I’d like to do:
Make twice as much cash,
And lose my fat stash.
But sadly, I mixed up the two.
It feels like an ominous sign–
This year sends a chill down my spine.
Two zero one six,
Eat ten bags of dicks!
With Carrie, you’ve just crossed the line.
I had wanted a brand new TV
That is sharper and clearer to see.
Technology’s solution,
My new year’s resolution:
Nineteen twenty by ten eighty — HD.
In the new year, I hope there will be
A new treatment to make me pain-free
When I run. You can bet
I’d be thrilled if I’d get
Resolution of pain in my knee.
Is it love that is making her whine?
Can her soft, pleading gaze be a sign
Of unfailing devotion?
No, I have a notion
My dog is impatient to dine.
Glum faces are often a sign
That their vows were just shooting a line.
Complete dissolution
Is my resolution –
Sex, cigarettes, whisky and wine.
On the wall, a decorous sign;
Ten rules to respect and define.
The Donald took note;
“Now after the vote,
Commandments are gonna be mine.”
Remember that old pickup line?
“I bet I can guess your sun sign.”
Well my wife did just that,
At our ‘First Meeting’ chat.
After decades, we’re still doing fine.
Donald Trump divests himself of his illegal assets
“They tell me I gotta resign;
Eric Trump gets the role that was mine.
But the rest of my stash?
I have hidden the cash
In a place where the son doesn’t sign.”
Kevin was full of remorse,
His wife had just filed for divorce.
He clearly missed the sign,
On the day of Valentine,
When she refused to have intercourse.
“Your angle’s not clear with that line.
And I’m straight, hope your needs mesh with mine.
You don’t seem obtuse
or hypotenuse
Can you tell me, please, what is your sine?”
In trig class, you learn of the sine,
The cosine, and tangent. That’s fine.
They teach angles in radians
(Preferred by Canadians),
Where pi represents a straight line.
Those functions are heaven’s design,
But math-lovers often incline
Toward forms hyperbolic.
Yes, they love to frolic
With e to the x. It’s divine.
The Naked Truth ~
A wise peasant said he could design,
The most truly remarkable sign.
Though his billboard was blank,
Like the Royal Think-Tank,
The King said, like his clothes, it looked fine.
“The hypotenuse”, he would opine,
“Should connect to each right-angled line”
My geometry prof
Would proceed to go off
On a tangent on sine and cosine.
Trump, our Savior
There’s a nice group of rabbis on line
claim Trump is a biblical sign,
and though won’t yet applya
Trump name as Messiah,
he still may be Savior Divine.
Genetically speaking, this sign
says Trump and Jesus align,
and despite his behavior
Trump may still be our Savior,
and turn all our water to wine.
Now it’s yours to accept or decline,
Trump and his prophetic sign.
But if in this belief you succumb,
send it plus a reasonable sum,
and a nice bridge in Brooklyn is thine!
In the past, many people forgot
To turn off every light, so I thought
That it ought to be fine
If I put up this sign:
Please turn off all the lights; thanks a watt.
I was having trouble with signs
when the DMV lady asked, “Are you blind?”
But finally, at last
she said “you squeaked past,
just keep your car at a distance from mine!”
Ringing in the New Year can be rough
(As if getting old isn’t enough)
It seems my will power
Lasts less than an hour
Then I’m begging for just one more puff
I’ve met a young lady — adorable.
But I fear my intentions are horrible.
Though she’s given no sign,
I just can’t draw the line,
I must know if she might be sexplorable.
If for each bad limerick I write and sign,
you send me a dollar for each awful line.
Once it’s received
I truly believe
I’ll have more dough than Trump, I opine!
Jimmy Joe, a man not too keen on signs,
ignored the one about old rotted pine.
But he found it no joke
when the outhouse seat broke
and he was found interred in his own shrine!
My Grandmother who’s ninety and nine
totally demolished a huge brick sign.
But she got no ticket,
because she couldn’t click-it
But now her skate board is totally confined!
A youth was requested to sign
His name on a form’s bottom line.
Not having learned Cursive
He made a subversive
Bold squiggle, which served him just fine.
A singer sat waiting to sign
His CDs at the concert. The line
Was pathetic’ly short
Since no-one had thought
Yo buy music he’d brought. (It’s online)
Some quilts I design I will sign
On the back, but the choice there is mine.
I may leave off my name
So I won’t get the blame
If the quilt turns out lame (like this line) :)
Replace the above:
After years of resolving to be
A person who’s different from me,
I have sadly concluded
That I was deluded.
I’ll follow my nature with glee.
She wrote out a form and said “Sign!..
The house and its contents are mine”
But he said “What’s that for?
You are going for more
Than I own, and the Bank will be cryin’ “
A pious man drove by a field
He looked up and to God he appealed
He beseeched the divine
To send him a sign
And he saw one. It told him to yield.
He said “Okay I’ll bloody well sign
You can have all your stuff and half mine
Bur what will you say
When you can’t get my pay?
I’ll fix it, I’ll up and resign
Said Trump, “I resolve to keep tweeting.
Not fair, very sad’s how they’re treating
The huge font of knowledge
That’s shared at my college.”
We respond, “That’s a dead horse you’re beating.”
City slicker discovered a sign
At the front of abandoned gold mine:
“Be aware those who go
To the depths down below!”
Bullion Trading will suit him just fine
Resolutions – we break ’em, but why?
Are we lazy or just being shy?
Do we think we will miss
All our bad habit bliss?
Old self-discipline – kiss it goodbye!
Straight towards him, she makes a beeline
Though he’s aging, her move is a sign
To climb out of the box
Which she promptly unlocks
“He’s a hot silver fox and he’s mine!”
“Resolutions – be more like your brother!”
Blurts my bossy, but well-meaning, mother
She can scream, she can shout
But it does, without doubt,
Go in one year and then out the other.
You just know it’s an ominous sign
If you’re feeling some pain in your spine
A good chiropractor
Could be the main factor
In helping your back realign.
If a guy wants to show you ‘cloud nine’
Wants to wine you and dine you, that’s fine
Trouble’s brewing if he
Feels you up; you can see
How that move ought to be your first sign.
But if that’s what you want, plus some wine
It’s your business and ain’t none of mine!
Don’t care why, don’t care how
Just don’t do it here now!
That’s where I really must draw the line!
Some twittering twit tweets online
It’s just endless and that is a sign
That we never should coddle
His asinine twaddle
He’s not a role model of mine!
If you’re learning to drive, then commit
To make sure that you’re giving a shit
A red octagon sign
At the end of the line
Means you stop! Don’t be blind, you dumb twit!
I’ve seen people just driving right through
The close call scared me silly, that’s true
I guess that is a sign
I’ve good reason to whine
‘Cause my undies are lined with wet poo!
Day and night, hubby played games online
And so wifey took that as a sign
To put in the loo
A big python or two
So when hubby goes poo, snakes can dine.
The funeral went along fine
With a bottle of sparkling wine
In a grave lies her spouse
With computer and mouse
“Now the money, the house, is all mine!”
An architect went out to dine
Hoping his client would sign.
But his plan was rejected
In mode unexpected
“Your erection just can’t equal mine.”
The only IRS form left not signed
“How and from whom wealth assigned.”
John Kerry knew
it was inconstitu
so he signed it “Kiss my beHEINZ!
It’s not by mistake, but design
That Trump’s pie hole keeps crossing the line
As his idiot filter
Has gone way off kilter
Him locked up would suit me just fine!
Just imagine if that would come true
No more tweets, lies or insults, woohoo!
That would sure be a sign
There’s a power divine
That can rid us of swine and their poo!
He wanted to give her a sign
That his love for her was so fine.
They drove to Niagara
He took 2 Viagra
And she said the sex was divine!
This year I resolve to lose weight
And never to procrastinate.
Gee, that second one’s tough.
I’ll have problems enough;
I’ll postpone to a much later date.
Leonard Cohen was cheated, betrayed
Of “Suzanne,” a sweet song he had made
He was fooled, told to sign
On the old dotted line
Lost the rights and then never got paid.
Though I have no intent to malign,
English spelling is flawed in design.
To employ silent “g”
Just makes no sense to me.
Does anyone think it’s condign?
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 268.
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Resolutions-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Lmerick-Off Cop.