Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: ICE at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using ICE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SHOPPING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SHOPPING-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 11, 2016, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 10, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
I’m a klutz who used FIGURE skates twice.
Would I try again? Never! No dice!
I kept fretting I’d fall,
Hit the wall, and then sprawl,
As I skated on very thin ice.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Figure Skating, Ice Skating, Klutziness, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Outdoor Sports, Poetry & Prompts, Skating Humor, Sports Humor, Winter Humor, Winter Limerick, Writing Prompts
Well, I thought the young lady was nice.
When she offered, I didn’t think twice.
I was ready to rock
But I got quite a shock
When I found she was frigid as ice.
Ode to Black Friday.
Eat your turkey, then run to the mall,
Join the folks all lined up wall to wall.
Then charge into the stores
As they open their doors,
If you’re quick, you can make quite a haul!
Once while out shopping for ice
For a lady who treated me nice
I found a great ring
Which made her heart sing
But I couldn’t get over the price!
So I asked of her if, say, instead
I could buy a cute hat for her head
She said, “Are you nutty?
It makes me look slutty!
In that thing I won’t be caught dead!”
She knows how to charm and entice
So be careful and take my advice
If whatever she’s selling
Is wildly compelling
Just bring down the swelling with ice.
Soon the winter is coming; how nice!
As we slip, do the splits, hit the ice
To avoid such a fate,
On each foot, wear a skate
You’ll just glide; ain’t it great? Paradise!
I once had a head full of lice
And a friend said, “Just freeze ’em with ice
You just stick your whole head
On the Knik River bed”
Now I’m buried and dead (great advice!)
There’s a phrase that is naughty or nice
It is either a virtue or vice
A bad marriage, cool drink
They’re related, I think
“On the rocks” is their link, cold as ice.
Whenever I’m shopping for clothes
For a bargain, I’ve got a good nose
Many thrift stores just are
Good at raising the bar
Make me look like a star, and it shows!
Make sure that your drinks don’t have ice,
‘Cause parasites ain’t very nice,
You’ll be in a bad way,
In the bathroom you’ll stay,
The tropics won’t be paradise.
Her heart was as cold as dry ice;
But in bed, she was more than quite nice.
Never found out her name,
But she drove him insane;
Was so wondrous, that he fucked her twice.
Will the world end in fire or ice?
Don’t think either would be very nice.
Unless Trump or asteroid,
The earth won’t be destroyed.
For four billion years, to be precise.
The new skating rink blueprints are nice,
But they carry a very high price.
Funding’s frozen and they
Say expect a delay,
So the architect puts it on ice.
After having some spills that weren’t nice,
High speed bobsledder heeds my advice
And takes up a new sport.
When asked why, he’ll retort,
“People said I was skating on thin ice.”
I eschew crowds and shopping — no lie!
Past an hour, I will feel like I’ll die.
“To find joy,” the ad sings,
“Get material things.”
That’s a concept I just cannot buy.
To the mall on a spree the gal went;
To buy clothes of all sorts her intent.
She was gone the whole day,
Then returned and did say,
“After shopping that long, I am spent.”
Edited!
Be careful, look out for black ice.
‘Cause falling is not very nice.
You will find your sweet self
Sprawled on your bottom shelf.
On your ass, to be much more precise.
A credit card shopper named Marge
Bought items that filled her garage.
Her shopping’s compulsive;
Some think it’s repulsive.
From her Visa she gets a big charge.
Since the price of house windows is dropping,
If replaced, could we have a whopping
Sum of savings? You bet!
Haven’t bought any yet
‘Cause right now we’re just window shopping.
Christmas shopping can be quite a grind.
The best presents? I think you will find
If you want a big lift,
Meditation’s the gift
That’s the best. You get presence of mind.
When upset, many women will eat;
They prefer foods that are very sweet.
Not me, I just shop
Right from my laptop!
I search, make some clicks, then repeat.
Santa came down the chimney head first,
Laughing hard, I thought I might burst,
He said “that’s not nice,
My head hurts, I need ice”.
Then he became nasty and cursed.
Here’s to “sah-keh,” the wine made from rice,
Drink it heated, or poured over ice.
Once you’re used to the taste
It will not go to waste,
‘Cause the buzz that it gives is so nice!
Cold Christmas ~
Christmas shopping? Well, take my advice:
Choose your gifts by a roll of the dice,
‘cause whatever you choose,
Just like craps, you will lose,
And your wife’s gonna put you on ice.
Forgo Fargo, Fair Grimsrud ~
His companionship never was nice,
‘cause his heart fostered nothing but vice.
When he went Christmas chopping
Instead of just shopping
They shot his ass out on the ice.
Warm Blooded Shopping ~
My two Limericks were just a device,
To turn warm readers’ blood into ice,
So before you go shopping
I first suggest stopping
To thaw it with hot rum and spice.
When you go down south of the border,
Be sure to take care what you order,
Watch out for the ice,
It can have parasites,
You don’t want a bowel disorder.
(inspired by Robert Schechter’s Limerick on facebook)
Pro-Vice ~
Single or blended – no vice,
Even if you prefer it with ice.
Although my druther’s Scotch,
If that ain’t what you gotch
I’ll take single or blended, but thrice.
Skating on Safe Ice ~
This year Jekyll and Hyde are on Ice,
And, as always, they’re poison and spice.
First, Hyde skates like the devil,
Then with Jekyll, we’ll revel
Because Ice Capades always end nice.
I was lost in the snow and the ice,
Tormented by thoughts that entice:
A log fire ablaze,
Soft music that plays,
Mulled wine, piping hot, filled with spice;
A rare, tender steak would be nice,
And some chocolate cake, a huge slice,
Then a brandy or two …
As my fingers turned blue,
I ploughed on through the snow and the ice.
She was trapped on the fast-melting ice;
The whole floe would be gone in a trice.
But the Donald said “Folks,
Global warming’s a hoax!”
Said the bear as she drowned, “Well, that’s nice.”
The crazy old coot’s head packed with dry ice,
still showed all the blood and dead lice.
Said he with some flair,
“Used Nair for me hair,
then stabbed all them buggers twice”!
D. Trump, until further advice,
Says “Climate change measures? No dice.
This warming the planet
Stuff’s nonsense. Just can it.
With me you won’t cut any ice.”
The Senate’s infested with lice,
And the Congress with roaches and mice.
They’re useless, those farts,
And the warmth of their hearts
Would turn boiling water to ice.
(An old one)
While using a woodworking vise,
My wotsit got caught in it – nice!
So that bulge in my jeans
Isn’t rude, it just means
That I’m soothing the wound with some ice.
“Just shop till you drop,” said the cop.
“Get purchasing now and don’t stop.
The law of the land
Is supply and demand
So don’t you dare make, mend or swap.”
If your wife asks for helpful advice
About jeans she’s just puchased, think twice.
“Do they make me look fat?”
“Only slightly.” Then, splat!
Now I’m soothing my eye with some ice.
To Costco, my wife had sent me;
For mouthwash and boxes of tea.
I was wildly enthused,
But she wasn’t amused
When I brought home that big-ass TV.
When parking out there on the ice,
Some fishermen ought to think twice.
That climate change “hoax”
Isn’t fodder for jokes;
A deep-diving truck is the price.
“There’s no need to try breaking the ice;
The Donald’s technique will suffice.
See a pussy? Just grab it –
She’ll squeal like a rabbit,
But I gotta grip like a vise.”
(Another one from the past …)
My wife took me shopping for suits,
But she ended up trying on boots.
What I told her still rankles –
“Dear, not with your ankles!”
She pulled out my hair by the roots.
When it comes to Christmas I tend
To go crazy and overspend
But it costs me dear
Cos all the next year
I’m paying back my flexible friend
My wife has gone mad, she is hopping,
Because I forgot to go shopping,
And ain’t washed the dishes.
“Go sleep with the fishes!”
Her saucepan is lifted for bopping.
Trump’s “policy” tweets are not nice.
He quadruples (that’s “double down” twice).
But the Drumfs all came here
From elsewhere so fear
Deportation by “endorsers” at ICE.
In the California town of Van Nuys,
low water made not enough ice to suffice.
So a barkeep named Brewer
tapped in to the town sewer
and the water interred in his freezer made ice!
In First Class, there’s champagne on ice;
The wine served in Business is nice.
But then for the rest,
Maybe coffee at best;
Or a cocktail at three times the price.
Where’s the Spice? ~
I thought of a Limerick for Ice,
But then noticed I’ve posted thrice twice,
But, upon a re-read
I found what they all need:
Is a whole lot less sugar. More Spice!
Inspired by Sue Dudley, with thanks:
The Star at the Top of the Christmas List ~
My Dad made a long shopping list
But just in case something was missed
The first page was blank:
Part wisdom, part prank,
For that something we just can’t resist.
[By the way, my Dad wrote a letter to my wife when I was in Korea for a year. He left the first page blank and started the second, “I couldn’t think of anything to say.”]
For you couples all looking to spice
Up your love life well here’s some advice
Think your wife’s down to earth
And cares not for net worth?
She’ll get hot for two carats of ice.
On a stormy and dark Christmas Eve,
I was shopping, if you can believe,
And brawling with dawdlers
For toys for my toddlers.
I mace ’em now (I’m not naive!).
Chocolate syrup and coffee and cream
Goes so well with your malt whiskey dream
But instead of the ice
Just a spoon will suffice
As you pour it on top of ice cream.
The old shopping bug – I never feed it
I just buy me a thing if I need it
The temptation is high
When you order and buy.
Credit limit – don’t try to exceed it!
Have you ever seen some woman shopping
While her man tags along with store-hopping?
He’s there holding her bags
While she tries on new rags
On and on he just lags without stopping.
How about, at the end of the day,
She should just let him have his own way
He will tell her, “I dare
You to put on and wear
Just your birthday suit there on display!”
If there’s one thing my wife really hates,
It’s shopping for food – endless waits.
So I did it on-line;
It was all going fine,
Then a black screen! It’s bloody Bill Gates!
In Amsterdam, shopping with glee,
Behind every window, you’ll see
A young lady to rent.
If you haven’t a cent,
Inspecting the goods is quite free.
The shop-lifting queen often gloats
Of the number of items she totes.
“I’m thin before thieving,
But fat when I’m leaving –
Five sweaters, four skirts, and three coats.”
A disappointed shopper
It was “Pussy Day” down at the mall,
And I thought I would have me a ball,
So I jumped in a cab
And I raced there to grab
Me some pussy – found kittens, that’s all!
They ordered a fancy new phone
Delivered by Amazon drone.
The service was fast,
But left them aghast;
Their chimney’s a dropping-off zone.
‘Twas a Cold but Toasty Night ~
He’s checking his shopping list twice,
As he filled his sleigh out on the ice.
Whether naughty Or nice,
Just take my advice
And be sure to leave hot rum and spice.
On Black Friday they heeded the call
To Go Buy! They jammed in, wall-to-wall.
Trampling, mayhem and fights
Are the ample delights
Of tradition: The Great Shopping Maul.
NO. REPLACE WITH THIS EDITED VERSION. SORRY!
My limerick writing advice:
You’ll do best if you skate on thin ice.
Write of men being frisky
Or of broads who drink whisky.
Ditch your sweetness, and pour on the spice.
My limerick writing advice:
You’ll do best if you skate on thin ice.
Write about genitalia
Displayed–it won’t fail ya.
‘Tis best if you’re bawdy, not nice.
I’ve posted this guideline now twice:
Scribe your lims as you skate on thin ice.
Write of bawdy old druids,
And bodily fluids,
Excretions and pustules and lice.
A mob boss named Sugary Ned
Liked baked goods and one day he said,
“It would be very nice
If this cake got some ice!”
(And later the cake turned up dead.)
To follow Fred’s missive takes guts;
No shopping or holiday nuts.
I’ll alter my post
To highlight that most
Limericks know stiffs, glands or butts.
To the store, I went for a ham.
I tripped on the steps, and then WHAM!
The steps hit my head,
Now I’m laid up in bed
and talking like Yoda, I am.
My Shopping List from the 70’s
To my dealer, I needed to dash,
For some mushrooms, some weed, and some hash.
He said “want some coke?
It goes good with the smoke”.
I said “no, I just don’t have the cash”.
He was sexy and cooler than ice.
All his moves were so smooth and precise.
He had style and flair,
Plus that beautiful hair,
So I wasn’t expecting the lice.
A closet nympho named Twiggy McDyce,
had a passion hot enough to melt ice.
But so thin was this girl,
when she swallowed a pearl,
nine guys left town pumping a handcar device!
My mail-order bride wasn’t nice.
Said my legerdemain was a vice,
And magicians are lame,
So I’m hardly to blame
For turning the bitch in to ICE.
The guests arrived! Dread has me filled
For the wine I will serve is not chilled
Someone gave me advice
To just add some crushed ice
That should make it quite nice; now I’m thrilled!
Oh, but now I’m concerned it’s diluted
This idea is so convoluted
Well, it now matters none
That’s because everyone
Drank a lot, had some fun, got polluted!
A fellow with nerves of pure ice,
Was asked by his wife for advice.
His reply was that
“Of course it looks fat”;
His death, while quick, was not nice.
“I took some advice – David Duke’s –
And went shopping to buy me some nukes.
They were made in Taiwan,
And they’re part of my plan
To silence them Chinese rebukes.”
The Parisian streets are no fun;
They are littered with dog-turds, each one.
But when covered in ice,
It is even less nice –
I’ve just stepped on the President’s son!
“Watch out for black ice”!
was my dear wife’s advice.
But I didn’t take heed,
and can now only plead,
“Please Doc, lower your price”!
Almost Xmas and shoppers are crazed,
Which is why I don’t shop unless blazed.
As I’m cruising the mall,
I encounter a brawl,
So I’m off to the food court unfazed.
A plumber tried breaking the ice
With the lady next door. She was nice,
And she made her needs plain.
So he snaked out her drain.
She was thoroughly satisfied. Twice.
Shopping in Tiajuana
In Tiajuana low prices you vie for,
and the tacos so great, you’ll die for.
But specks on your food,
the price won’t include.
They’re fleas, the cook’ll just lie for!
I know you’ve been naughty, not nice,
By indulging your energy vice.
My traditional role
Is to leave you some coal,
But you’d burn it and there goes the ice.
Though shopping made Eleanor squeal,
It made FDR quite the heel.
But he cheered up a lot
When he had a new thought–
“I might chance upon a new deal!”
I’m dead and my body’s on ice,
My friend shot me ‘cuz I wasn’t nice,
I drank all their beer,
Now I’m lying here
In the morgue with the rats and the mice.
**edited**
To the store, I went out for a ham.
I tripped on the steps, and then WHAM!
The stair hit my head,
Now I’m laid up in bed
and talking like Yoda, I am.
I hate shopping. Adrift, what to buy
There’s no stopping for thrift, price too high
Just to give her a lift
I deliver my gift
Now she’s hopping mad, miffed, so I cry.
I think I told you once of twice,
I like a dessert with some spice.
But if that’s not good
In your neighborhood,
I will go find another vice.
Nervous speakers could feel apprehension
She was told, “Leave the stage!” (a suspension!)
“I just tried to be nice
By a-breaking the ice
So I flashed my tits twice to ease tension!”
Thanks for the limerick prompt. Mine is here:
Blowhard in the Yard – Visibly Vying for Vacancy?
Their dance to “Bolero” was nice
In a seamless but quite complex splice
I take it you’ve seen
Our Torville and Dean
Unravel the Ravel on ice.
She had just one terrible vice
It involved the rolling of dice
When she placed on the red
He rolled black instead
And ended up wearing a bucket of ice
When the holidays come and I’m broke
And my savings account is a joke
I can’t make a living
By always gift-giving
And credit is driven to choke.
So one day I cried, “Mamma mia!
Eureka! I have an idea
It’s sweeter than honey
And won’t involve money
If this works out, sonny, I’ll see ya!”
For paper and pen I have paid
Gift certificates done, all homemade
Just wait’ll you hear
What I’ve planned for this year
Money woes will steer clear and just fade.
Each certificate offers much more
Than the stuff you would buy in a store
My time gets surrendered
Not legally tendered
(And no, I won’t work as a whore).
A car wash, a housecleaning service
Full body massage (don’t be nervous)
I’ll care for your hound
Cook your food till it’s browned
Or just drive you around (I won’t swerve us)
So, shopping? Don’t bother! You’ll see
How much fun this ‘gift-giving’ can be
Every man and his wife
Will have no money strife
‘Cause the best things in life can be free!
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the SHOPPING-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick-Off Award.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Flu.