Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: GRIND at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GRIND at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to AUTUMN, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best AUTUMN-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on October 16, 2016, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 15, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A gal who was always behind
In her chores, said her spouse did not mind:
“My gifts in the sack
Make up for this lack.
I excel at a far diff’rent grind.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bawdy Humor, Competition Limerick, Household Chores, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Relationship Humor, Sex Humor, Writing Prompts
How I wish someone could help me find
Me a way to escape from this grind.
Hope that maybe some day
I can just walk away,
But ’til then I’m just caught in a bind.
It is known as the old bump and grind.
What a wonderful way to unwind!
Find somebody who’s game
And without any shame,
It’ll drive you right out of your mind.
3:45AM Exercise
The Trumpster is out of his mind,
’cause tweeting is such a hard grind!
He’s walking the floor
at quarter to four …
How can he expose his behind?
Most creatures on earth seem inclined,
(Bonobos and whales and mankind) –
To gyrate and squirm,
Hook egg up with sperm.
Thank God for the old bump and grind!!!
Felled by Fall
Something befell me this fall
and now there’s a pall over all.
Such is the cost
of a premature frost:
my garden needs an overhaul!
Economical Fall
The time to make love is autumn;
so kiss your sweethearts (if you’ve got ’em).
Seek ways to keep warm
but observe this norm:
by Christmas be sure you “forgot” ’em!
The monkey said “Yeah, I’vc resigned
From my job; I’m redundant, I find.
Though my boss, Mr Trump,
Can undoubtedly bump,
He’s lacking an organ to grind.”
When there’s colds to be caught, I have caught ’em,
And the flu has me feeling post mortem.
Freezing rain, wind and fog
Make me sick as a dog …
That’s just Summer; it’s worse in the Autumn.
The question’s a terrible grind;
Poor Gary is caught in a bind.
“To name a world leader?
I guess that I need a
Raincheck – no one comes to my mind.”
(I know, the last line doesn’t scan properly …)
“Usin’ facts to debate is unkind!
Cheatin’ Hillary’s caused me to grind
All my teeth to the stump”,
Complained Donald J Trump.
“That’s the reason I mumbled and whined.”
It’s the season of tricks and of treats,
And in Autumn, my poet’s heart beats
With desire to write
A great ode …, but, oh shite!
It’s already been done by old Keats.
“Let me help you”, she told him, “To grind
All the corn.” Said the farmer, “How kind!”
They were “grinding the corn” –
The results were pure porn.
That Autumn, the crops slipped his mind.
.
Well, you live and learn. I’d never encountered the expression, but here’s what I found on the Internet:
Getting Into the ‘Grinding the Corn’ Sex Position:
1. The wife lies on her back with her knees bent and her legs spread apart.
2. The husband lies on top of her and supports his upper body with his elbows on each side of her.
How it’s done:
1. The husband penetrates his wife.
2. Instead of thrusting in and out like the missionary position, he moves his body forwards, towards the headboard and backwards away from the headboard along his wife’s body.
When he moves forward toward the headboard his penis, which is very flexible, will bend while exiting her vagina and rub her clitoris on its way out. He should stop moving forward just before the head of his penis exits her vagina. At this time his penis should be pointing down at his feet. When he moves back down his penis enters his wife’s vagina and rubs her clitoris along the way in.
This sex position takes practice, but it’s well worth the effort.
If you can’t get the hang of this sex position, try this. Fully enter her and then grind your pubic bone on her clitoris. This technique will give a similar effect.
The Donald is losing his grip,
Has no filter- he shoots from the hip.
So invectives unfurl,
He’s losing to a girl!
Enough of his sick ego trip!
The rich, fiery sunsets we get;
Of bittersweet Fall, no regret.
The multicolored leaves
Whose beauty deceives-
Last hurrah before Winter’s onset.
“I need money,” the stripper pined
“For relief from financial bind.”
As she gyrates and thrusts,
Says, “The boredom disgusts,
‘Cause it’s always the same old grind.”
EDITED- TYPO fixed on my first limerick. Please remove first posting of it. Sorry.:
Though she did a quite hot bump and grind.
She was pissed the guy touched her behind.
She did more than just pouted,
She kicked him and shouted.
“Get your hand off my ass! I DO mind!”
(MBK: Done.)
She’s known to be wholesome and kind;
And possesses a wondrous behind.
While not holding grudges,
To dancing club judges
She does have a big ass to grind.
The Donald’s campaign is a blight;
An unnerving and hair-raising fright.
With our blood running cold,
They really should hold
This election on Halloween night.
Thanks for the GRIND prompt. My entry is here:
Wheeling and reeling: Moving on with no backpedaling
While a stripper was doing her grind,
The C-note was easy to find.
It was folded in place
So Ben Franklin’s face
Had a view of her snatching it blind.
In San francisco the driving’s a grind.
The Asians smash you in from behind.
Insane mobs of tourists!
For the traffic law purists:
Assume everyone here’s deaf and blind.
A rich German playa named Greindt
Did many a gal wined and dinedt;
Attempts to seem breezy
Made him look quite sleazy
As these gals were not dumb nor blindt
As trees turn to yellow and red,
We think about what lies ahead.
If it’s cold, rain and snow
Or frigid winds blow,
Treat the feet to Tahiti instead.
Coffee is a wicked and sensuous find,
It feeds all of your fantasies, combined.
In coffee, you’ll discover
Your perfect dark lover:
And a good coffee rewards a fine grind.
The colorful look of the trees;
A slight little chill in the breeze.
Yes, Autumn’s sublime,
In advance of the time
When ice brings us all to our knees.
The cornmeal I ruthlessly grind
Make tacos that taste more refined.
But though higher-class,
There’s just as much gas,
And music soon follows behind.
The warm weather suits this ole lass,
But fall must eventually pass.
There’s beauty in snow
But Santa should know
His season can kiss my cold ass.
As Adam and Eve shared their woes,
The chilly fall air hit their nose.
The leaves sat in piles,
Which dampened their smiles.
“What terrible waste of good clothes!”
With Donald Trump’s whoppers in Autumn,
Trustworthy outlets have caught ’em.
They’re all in the news;
What gives me the blues,
Too many voters have bought ’em.
No woman would give him a grind
So his sex life was all in his mind.
He knew well his own touch
Although maybe too much:
He’s grown hair on his palms and gone blind.
Christmas shopping can be quite a grind.
The best presents? I think you will find
If you want a big lift,
Meditation’s the gift
That’s the best. You get presence of mind.
With nothing but axes to grind
And hindsight that’s totally blind,
The Donald can claim
Individual fame;
He’s an asshole that’s one of a kind.
Autumn limerick is here:
Headed for a Fall – In some seasons, we live for sweater or verse
The food she would so finely grind.
but Gummy most oft declined.
So she carved him wood dentures,
which soon brought a new venture
plucking splinters from Gummy’s behind
Whenever I hear “bump and grind”,
A visual thought comes to mind.
It’s thumping with thrust
While humping with lust
With a plumpy and rumpy behind.
Mom Nature is such a designer
None could have made Autumn finer
But lest any one should
Forget past hardships withstood
Ol; Winter’s a stone’s throw behind her!
While the autumn leaves are falling,
Trump bloviates; wailing and bawling:
“They’re trying to steal
This election for real!”
“Line 2 – Mr. Putin is calling…”
He says if you’re famous you’ll find,
It’s easy to bump and to grind,
So you, Trump supporter,
Just think of your daughter,
And question with whom you’re aligned.
I went fishing one fine day in Autumn
Fish were bitin’ and I caught ’em
But soon black clouds formed,
I was caught in a storm
Too late now to wish I’d just bought ’em!
In late autumn, I never forego
A Thanksgiving Day feast. This year, though,
I’ll give thanks, say “Amen”
Two full weeks before then
When I see Donald Trump gobbling crow.
A butcher whose name was B. Hind
Had a rush job of ground beef to grind
Fate could have been kinder
He backed into the grinder
In his rush job, a little B. Hind.
Melania happened to find
Her hubby was doin’ the grind
With a floozie he met
On the Hannity set;
Now she’s screwing him – suing him blind.
Donald loves the UNWANTED palm grind.
He’s a star; It’s a right of his kind.
If he sees a hot girl,
He’ll give it a whirl.
Grab her pussy or breast; she won’t mind.
At most Starbucks I know, you will find,
That they’ll glad provide a fine grind.
Shake their hips? That’d be nice.
But for double the price?
Get your beans and a show, both combined.
If you’re wondering what you should call
The season when Eve “had a ball”,
It used to be Autumn
Until the Lord caught ’em;
Since then, it is known as the Fall.
How to make mulled wine
Take an orange, just grating the rind;
Then a nutmeg, and thoroughly grind;
Heat some wine from the butts …
What! You’ve run out of nuts?
Use Donald’s, I’m sure he won’t mind.
Rosie O’Grady was one awesome lady,
whose passion was dancing The Grind.
But you’d nevera guessed it,
and she wouldn’t confess it,
Rosie O’Grady was blind.
At the coffee house, Roger had shined.
After many a year, he did find
It was boring, and so
It was time he should go
‘Cause he just couldn’t stand the grind.
This election surely has been a grind
And I am quickly losing my mind
Whether Donald or Hill
They both are a pill
But Hill would be a far better find
I do have a 70s bent,
And so for my awning that meant
Some retro decor!
And once fall is o’er,
The winter of my disco tent!
To spores of the plants I’ve befallen.
My eyes itch and water; it’s gallin’.
I’m wheezin’ and sneezin’
In hay fever season.
It’s dreadful; in fact, it’s apollen.
(autumn ragweed season is nasty!)
October Song ~
I’m sure you’ve all noticed Fall fell,
As a season, it does very well,
Colors always surprise,
But with later sunrise,
My alarm has a very hard sell.
As everyone’s scandals unwind,
we know best ’bout how Trump likes to grind
from his manners that lack
to his sheer lack to tact
and we can’t get it out of our minds!
A Tool Sharpener was often maligned,
as a rude and despicable kind.
“You shouldn’t conclude,
I’m a terrible dude,
just because I have axes to grind!”
The issues are still undefined,
and the ‘would be’s’ still have axes to grind.
Left winging, right winging,
and so much mud slinging!
leaves me ‘NONE OF THE ABOVE’ still inclined!
A nudist group once had the gall,
to protest the oncoming Fall.
“WE WONT WEAR NO PANTS!”
They swore in their chants.
(Bet they wished they’d at least brought a shawl)
She married him only to find
While sleeping, his teeth tend to grind.
She was able to quell
This audible hell
With duct tape and pieces of rind.
Edit on Oct 9 entry. Please delete original. Sorry
I’m sick and tired of this grind.
Not much on tv I find.
Ratings must really be slumping.
Every channel I see’s Donald Trumping.
‘ere November I’ll be out of my mind!
From MBK: Done. I also fixed your line 1 typo. (You had if instead of of.)
Sorry folks, I had to go there.
Covering Trump was a grind
But this journalist still was inclined
To report on his sleaze
When he said, “On your knees!”
After grabbing her “p” from behind.
Autumn theme, election day, of course
From Tuesday the eighth of November
We’ll celebrate on through December
That women saw through
What that grabber would do,
And their votes soon deflated his member.
The fall is the gateway between
The summer’s and winter’s routine
So pack up the bikini
And cover your weeny
The cold is a teeny bit mean.
It’s autumn, the midst of October
When the wind blows each tree to disrobe her
The summer did end
And the cold’s ’round the bend
So I don’t recommend being sober.
At night, when I hear his teeth grind
Not a peaceful night’s sleep do I find
Let’s put over his face
A big pillow in place
“Cause I don’t think he really would mind.
After holidays, folks are inclined
To whine and complain; they’re so blind!
Although gratitude’s due
They just cry, “Boohoohoo!”
And repeat, “it’s back to the old grind!”
It’s been four years since I could just frolic
I’ll admit I’m a damn workaholic
Though I am self-employed
Work – I just can’t avoid
It’s a wonder I’m not alcoholic!
(true story)
The burlesque dancer’s crude bump and grind
In a place the elite often dined
Was a shock to the guests
Who, unused to such pests
Nonetheless left a large tip behind
Ground to a Halt ~
Thoughts I’ve mined and refined I will grind
To a gold-dust you’ll find in your mind.
Then, wined, dined, and resigned,
My own mind I’ll unwind –
My behind’s weary rind well reclined
After leaves of the trees hit the ground
You rake them all into a mound
Mother Nature won’t care
When you curse and you swear
As a cold gust of air blows them ’round.
Whenever the fall makes me cranky
I am cheered by my neighbor, the Yankee
As the jokes escalate
I’m just taking the bait
And get warm with some great hanky-panky!
When a tectonic plate starts to grind
‘Gainst another, you just may soon find
That an earthquake’s a-coming
So don’t sit there, humming
Just… I don’t know; don’t lose your mind?
FEE fi fo FUM, I do find
That the giant needs bones he can grind
For to make up his bread
Well, we know Trump’s braindead
And it tastes just like someone’s behind.
He’s dead from the neck up, a stump
That fugly, detestable Trump
Though he cooked his own goose
He still has one good use
He would make a terrific speed bump.
When I hear my car’s gears start to grind
Sky-high cost of repairs comes to mind
So if no one can do it
For free, I’ll say, “Screw it!”
With a bike, I’ll get through it, I’ll find.
Autumn chill makes it harder to flirt
For poor hookers whose profits may hurt
The one john that will tease
Ev’ry shivering sleaze
Is an icy cold breeze up her skirt.
Farage now lacks axes to grind
So he plumps to back Trump (who’s behind).
Says Nigel: “Try Mexit.”
But Trump mishears: “Sex it?
Hey Nigel, you’re reading my mind!”
[And just in case anyone wants to fault my scansion in the first line, leading Brexiteer Nigel insists on pronouncing Farage à la française!]
HEY, Will T. Laughlin, where ARE you?
Here no one has yet tried to bar you
Hope you’re safe (and not dead)
And you’re being well-fed
Out the country you’ve fled? Don’t go far, you!
Some lim’ricks you should be creating
Has the autumn chill caused hesitating?
I don’t mean to hiss
But your limmies we miss
And we all are here, patiently waiting.
If Hillary wins the White House, what’ll we find?
Bill roaming The Hill, role quite undefined.
Now a word to the wise, to all you young ‘terns.
Though quite soon enough I’m sure you will learn,
that ol’ Slick Willie can still bump and grind!!
To Ted Hayes:
Stop predicting the future, you berk
Bill is up to his ears in hard work
He did pay the price
For his long-ago vice
So it’s time to be nice, not berserk.
(it took all my strength to leave out a perfectly rhyming word that starts with “j”!)
He isn’t the fool anymore
He’s walked through a different door
By the way, I must cluck
Your limericks suck
As your scansion and meter are poor!
As a wee kid just spinning my top
I questioned my mom and my pop:
“Tell me, what is the reason
For change in the season?
In fall, why do temperatures drop?”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Autumn-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick-Off Award 263.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Cab.