Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FRAME at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FRAME at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to EXERCISE, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best EXERCISE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on October 2, 2016 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 1, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
An artist was caught in a frame,
Which painted him worthy of blame;
When a woman was killed,
Some blood that was spilled
Helped to pigment his portrait “Dead Dame.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Art Humor, Artist Humor, Competition Limerick, Criime, Criminals, Frame-Ups, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Murder Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A young lady, I don’t know her name,
Kept insisting that I was to blame.
But since I didn’t do it,
She decided “ah, screw it,”
Now she needs someone else she can frame.
Many folks like to go for a run,
But to me, that’s just not any fun.
‘Cause to over-exert
Only makes my bod hurt,
So I’d rather go lie in the sun.
Said Trump, There’s no big enough frame
For my tough, handsome face and good name.
Voters, I am your winner
and that C. gal, a sinner!
I act wild? What I’ve done will look tame…
Peach at the Beach Outta Reach
Judge, she has a delectable frame
Which she pointed my way and took aim.
Such a cute little bod,
Guess it’s not at all odd
That her weapon was “nude”: it’s to blame
For my comments on bottom and top.
I invited her over to bop
In a few dozen ways,
Warmly dropping my gaze
To her assets – then tap, went the cop :(
Send Up the Clown ~
A Clown ran their street numbers game.
As a Wiseguy, he reached great acclaim,
But they needed a pigeon,
So helped cops a smidgen.
His mug-shot fit well in that frame.
Desert of Champions ~
There once was a dark, stormy Knight,
Who could run in his cape and take flight,
And he’d win at the Lists
With the steel of his fists
Then for encores, he’d eat Kryptonite.
Tell It Like It Is
I was asked to submit my large frame
For an off-Broadway show, He’s to Blame!
Casting choice not instinctive
Though my looks are distinctive;
Who knows: was I destined for fame?
Minutes later I’m loudly berated,
Nodding humbly, relieved I’m not fated
To perform in a dance
Stumbling ’round in a trance.
But she just called: I’m feeling elated…
As an opening act you’re a flop;
For the cast’s sake, I had to yell stop.
But if I read you right,
You can work through the night ~
I’ve a role that puts you on the top.
She has such a small tiny frame
That they call her the littlest dame
Her life is all checkered
With Guiness World Record
And Jyoti Amge’s her name.
Tell me, what in the heck’s in a name
If the person inside is the same?
It’s the sound of the word
Either jewel or turd
That will clothe you inside of its frame.
Dracula’s cape would take aim
As he wrapped it around her wee frame
Half her blood spilled despite
Him just taking one bite
And she died that same night, bloody shame!
I once knew a guy who did yoga
In a very nice loose fitting toga
But his very strange pose
Gave the World a few shows
As he looked like a twisted up ogre.
“I’m so healthy!” is Donald’s proud claim.
With his massively overweight frame,
I’m surprised he can walk,
But on hearing him talk,
I realise he’s mentally lame.
The explorer was after big game.
He had sighted a lion, took aim,
Then he happily shot it.
Success! He had got it
Right there in the camera frame.
Take exercise? Nah, it’s too risky;
Even sex is alarmingly frisky.
But my right hand is fit
As a fiddle, for it
Is the one that I raise to drink whisky.
(Exercise – an old one …)
She was naked, positioned astride,
And she felt it beginning to slide
In and out, to and fro,
Her whole body aglow –
Yes, that rowing-machine was her pride.
Dracula replies to Suzanne Heymann:
Hey, it wasn’t my fault that she died!
One small bite is no reason to chide.
Who could know that Cecilia
Had bad haemophilia?
I thought that the wound would have dried.
She had a quite lovely, small frame,
But wow, could she light a guy’s flame!
She was such a delight,
Petite, charming and bright,
Guys who loved her were never the same.
he pol played a dangerous game,
“The love that dared not speak its name.”
Met a guy at a bar,
They hooked up, went too far.
Alas, he’s now easy to frame.
I have a new photo to frame,
“So beautiful!”, I did exclaim!
But in rooms, in my halls,
There’s no room on my walls.
It is quite a frustrating shame.
I once knew a guy who did yoga
In a very nice loose fitting toga
But his very strange pose
Gave the World a few shows
Of his low – hanging hose…What a rogue Ah!!!!!!!
Hematologist replies to Brian Allgar’s Dracula:
Well, that’s just bloody brilliant! As her hematologist, I must say…
To a clinic, such victims release
When you see their blood flow will not cease
Now, all I can say
To her family today
Is “I’m sorry. May she rest in peace!”
The cop had decided to frame
The young girl. “You’ve been caught on the game,
But I’ll turn a blind eye
If you just blow me dry,
And your parents won’t know of your shame.”
“Nice try,” she replied. “All the same,
You will know, when I tell you my name,
That my father’s a judge.
Now please do not budge –
I’m recording, and you’re in the frame.”
(Suzanne, I’ve taken the liberty of posting your reply in the interests of continuity)
(Brian Allgar) To her family:
Don’t worry, your girl will be back;
We vampires have mastered the knack.
It’s just blood that she’s shed,
But she’ll join the undead
By the morning. Yours sanguinely, Drac.
(Suzanne Heymann)
What?! And now we’re supposed to feel better?
Back to normal, we never will get her!
We cannot take her back
Or we’ll be her next snack
And she’ll suck our blood too, if we let her!
(Brian Allgar)
Your own kid, and you say you won’t feed her?
Then why did you bother to breed her?
A nourishing drink
And she’ll be in the pink –
Why, she could be the vampire cheerleader!
To Brian Allgar’s Dracula:
Is that your solution, you twit?
Right after creating this shit?
That’s right, let’s all be
On a bloodsucking spree
And to make sure that we all get bit!
Though it’s said blood is thicker than water
We raised her as human, our daughter
And that’s why we breed
Not to drink what we bleed
Now you left us the need to boycott her!
Everyone knows that the reason we come here is to read limericks full of F-words:
My friend, if you’ve found any fame
You’re a fool if you fuck an old flame
If she fails in her flow
She’s a frustrating foe
For you’ll find you’re the fellow she’ll frame.
The traffic cop was an old flame
Whom he’d ditched for a sexy young frame.
As she started to write,
Said “Perhaps I just might
Remember your @#$!-%?&*ing name.”
A fitness instructor with sass
Just started a pole-dancing class.
Announcing with pride
“You’ll now get to slide
On a skinny and tall piece of brass.”
A woman, I’ll spare you her name,
Had sex while strapped in a frame.
It is an unfortunate fact
That, after the act,
She was stuck, with only herself to blame.
The lads all thought it a game
To bully the kid with a light frame.
But when he worked out with weights
And got plenty of dates
They…
…nah, they were still bullies just the same.
Once again, mine isn’t exactly a limerick. But here it is:
HANGING by a HAIR
Thanks for the prompt!
To parse the political game
And assign the appropriate blame
It’s important to look
Inside of the book;
At the picture instead of the frame.
Weightlifting is all about work;
A regimen never to shirk.
But hoisting with power
Might be in the shower;
Regardless, it’s still “clean and jerk”.
Mad – Please change line 5 above to:
Regardless, it’s still “clean and jerk”.
Thanks, Dave
MBK: Done.
A dominatrix, Madame Cass
Was subbing her friend’s fitness class.
She was quick to explain
“You’re gonna feel pain;
The one workout I know – kicking ass.”
I love my bodacious hot dame,
Who hasn’t the least bit of shame.
To film this knockout
I must zoom out out out
Just to get her big ass in the frame.
My wife said, Hey, let’s bowl a frame.
But I said, It’s just not your game.
The last time, I mutter,
All went in the gutter.
And now I am sleeping in same.
He called out, “I’m not over the hill!”
Lifting weights with such consummate skill
Then he moaned, “I must rest”
As he clutched at his chest –
Then lay down – and he’s lying there still.
MadKane – would you mind changing “bill” to “hill”? Typo. Thank you!
MBK: Done.
Some carpenters started to frame
A new house, then a tornado came.
When the winds settled down,
The rest of the town
Had buildings that looked much the same.
Though not always proud of his frame
His portliness brought him great fame
His role in Aladdin
Had no need of padding
He was the perfect pantomime dame
Donald Trump continues to frame
This election with bluster and shame.
We lose if he wins
With the greatest of sins;
His blabbermouth rigging the game.
A Portland hipster named Ike
Rides around on a teal-colored bike.
He loves in a loft,
But don’t think he’s soft;
He’ll be rockin’ that big urban hike.
Swimming and rowing are best
For passing the full-fitness test.
Cross-country skis
Won’t demolish the knees;
But TV just crushes your quest.
A guy got himself in the frame
For faking an insurance claim.
He had lit a small fire
Causing cops to inquire
RE the whereabouts of his old flame.
One painting that hangs in a frame,
No kidding – it strikes me as lame.
I don’t understand
What makes it so grand;
That farmer and plain-looking dame.
The treadmill spins madly around.
I perspire, and my heart starts to pound.
I grow faint; my eyes dim.
But I’m not at the gym;
I’m at work. It’s a stress test, I’ve found.
Every week, a new training routine
On a fancy newfangled machine
And a bloke for a witness
Who spoke for its fitness
To make me all muscled and lean
But it never gets used, to my shame
Overfed and abused is my frame
As a matter of patness
I’m an adder of fatness
So don’t get enthused, I’m the same.
(patness – timely convenience)
To Dave Johnson (re the painting):
The one with the pitchfork in hand?
And expressionless faces so bland?
That’s my granny and gramps
They were national champs
As the grumpiest folks in the land.
If you google “images for painting of farmer and pitchfork,” click it and you’ll see numerous versions of it with changes made to the painting, such as enlarged heads, or their heads switched, and one with her head on the pitchfork’s middle prong, and one with her wearing a bikini with the panty stretched on the prongs; also, one with their heads replaced by the Osbournes, or Kermit and Miss Piggy, one with the house in the background on fire, etc, etc, Hilarious!
If some planned exercises seem scary
Just think of ones involuntary
Like falling down stairs
Being chased by some bears
These fat-burning affairs are quite hairy.
No will power’s needed to do ’em
They just come by themselves, so push through ’em
They sneak up from behind
So beware, ’cause you’ll find
You can’t shove them aside or say, “Screw ’em!’
So if you’re not very inventive
And don’t have a lot of incentive
Don’t worry, old chum
‘Cause the day may soon come
When a fire finds you inattentive.
(then you’ll be running like hell!)
To Suzanne – Yep, that’s the one and your reply is a winner!
A socially proper young miss
Thought yoga just might be her bliss.
On the very next mat,
Odiferous and fat,
His breathing was more like a hiss.
If you’re fat, then the facts must be faced:
To poor health extra weight has been traced.
Get in shape. Please try it,
‘Cause exercise, diet,
Are the ways to fight hazardous waist.
The braggart had wanted to claim
That his surprisingly, muscular frame
Was because he’d spent hours in the gym
Getting his body in trim
Eventually reaching his aim.
But this really obnoxious brat
Was as welcome as a sewer rat,
After his muscles were exposed
And the truth was disclosed,
His body cloaked in layers of fat.
A chemist attempted to frame
A missive of love to his flame.
But his efforts fell flat
When his note told her that
She was sweeter than pure aspartame.
To Dave Johnson – Thank you!
If some planned exercises seem scary
Just think of ones involuntary
Like falling down stairs
Being chased by some bears
These fat-burning affairs are quite hairy.
No will power’s needed to do ’em
They just come by themselves, so push through ’em
They sneak up from behind
So beware, ’cause you’ll find
You can’t shove them aside or say, “Screw ’em!”
So if you’re not very inventive
And don’t have a lot of incentive
Don’t worry, old chum
‘Cause the day may soon come
When a fire finds you inattentive.
(then you’ll be running like hell!)
Here’s the BEST exercise, so take note
Most important of all to promote
Make sure to remember
The eighth of November
Go stir up the embers and VOTE!
(just don’t choose orange!)
(Cheetohs are bad for you!)
She stared at that old picture frame,
Recalling this fellow of fame.
He plied her with gin,
And promising sin,
But left her, soon after he came.
Your heart will just get a big thrill
If you pedal a bike fast uphill
But if you get too weak
Before reaching the peak
Hope it’s me you would sneak in your will.
Reflecting the times is the aim
Of the portraits in our Hall of Fame
So we followed the fashion
And hung Kim Kardashian
But she kept falling out of the frame.
I gazed at the muscleman’s frame
And the toilet from whence he just came.
The seat of the loo
Made me ponder anew:
What good is great strength without aim?
***
My thoughts about workouts have turned–
Through reading and self-love I’ve learned
The wisdom is stark,
But like Joan of Arc,
My fat should be cherished, not burned.
***
While training myself for a race,
My fitness has gotten off pace.
I finally declare
As a I raise an eclair,
“I’m fitness whole thing in my face!”
In Bend, OR we kayak and hike;
Go ride on some skis or a bike.
But our own fitness quest
Is elusive at best;
Too much local brew that we like.
Here’s a ‘Combo Limerick’:
He was born with a puny slight frame,
and a puny slight man he became.
So he put in some work,
Pumped weights, what a jerk,
But the women still viewed him the same.
Their exertions in bed bent the frame,
Then her charley horse threatened their game.
But she shrugged the pain off
And they finished their boff.
She was lame but she came just the same.
The members’ particular aim
Is a sleek and sinewy frame.
This class will attest
Nude yoga is best;
Quite possibly, that’s why he came.
Hill-walking’s a great place to start;
For fitness, especially your heart.
But running back down
Should be viewed with a frown;
One trip and you’d hate the next part.
It was a huge and heavy frame
but he hung it just the same
but removal will bring clamor
and he’ll for sure need a new hammer
’cause the old one has such poor aim
The Donald decided to shame
A girl for expanding her frame.
She’s come back with pride
On Hillary’s side;
He sniffles “Obama’s to blame…”
Welcome to Dystopia
To win the political game,
The trick is to know how to frame
The facts so the voters
Select you for POTUS,
And stick your opponent with blame.
For instance, the ’08 campaign,
When Hillary had much to gain
By claiming Obama
Was Kenyan. What drama!
You’d buy it with hardly a strain.
But the truth, thanks to Trump, is well known.
The detectives he hired have now shown
After five years of tryin’
Barack is Hawaiian,
And Clinton’s foul scheme has been blown.
How close we have come to disaster.
Thank goodness that Donald outclassed her.
Now we gladly bow down
To the man with the crown.
He’s our leader for life, the Great Master.
Their love life stripped down to the frame
With a backdrop of “Ain’t That a Shame” –
She’s texting a friend;
Their “chats” never end;
He’s hooked on some video game.
The young man cried “I’m not to blame.
What I sense here is a frame.
Others came and went
Making love in her tent
‘Tho invited in, I never came”.
Weight Watchers left little but frame
but a hope for some pounds to reclaim
she corked up her poo
and vowed not to doo
’til pleasingly plump she became
Despicable Donald will shame
For looks or lack of the same;
This bag of hot air
With his Halloween hair
And billowy, blubbery frame.
He was trying to work up a sweat
And impress the hot girl he just met.
In spin class they spun;
But when over and done,
He was left high and dry – sopping wet.
Don’t judge a picture by it’s frame
Or a beautiful lady the same
If your senses are keen
There’s much more to be seen
If you’ve sense to come out of the rain.
His fitness routine doesn’t lack
Intensity; always on track.
From early till late,
The Donald is great
At patting himself on the back.
Car crash left a bent frame.
Off to State Farm to file claim.
Clerk was a real jerk,
said with a smirk,
“Policy expired, what a shame.”
Due to extensive, accuracy-driven, painstaking research and experience (or is that experiments?), the following is a true story…
You are losing the exercise game
If you think it will shrink down your frame
‘Cause I heard on the news
That although you may choose
To do push ups, you lose, look the same.
The way to lose pounds, if you try it
Is determined by only your diet
Processed food is a killer
A weight-gaining filler
Convenience and taste, can’t deny it!
The exercise big claim to fame –
It fixes your heart when it’s lame
With endorphins released
Your good mood is increased
While Alzheimer’s loses its flame.
Brain power and memory improve
While addiction control finds a groove
Creativity too
Becomes boosted anew
This occurs when you get up and MOVE!
They went to a nudist resort
Thinking volleyball might be their sport
While looking for beaus
Without any clothes;
As a tandem, both came up short.
What’s the source of my lim’ricks? Not drink;
I just run till I’m gasping and pink.
When these verses I brew,
My brain’s starved of O2.
It explains quite a lot, don’t you think?
I was thinking of sending this to a greeting card company to use in their ‘I miss you’ cards, but it seems everyone uses emails instead…
I miss YOU like a match with no flame
Or a picture that hangs with no frame
Or a hive with no bees
Or a kiss with no squeeze
Or a dog with no fleas, what a shame!
Like no dice or no cards in a game
The fun isn’t there, it gets lame
Like a bra with no bust
Or the sex without lust
Without you, life is just not the same!
It’s 3 AM; here comes the shame
In a one-forty character frame.
With Android in hand,
He’s there to command;
There’s a stew pot of sludge to inflame.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Exercise-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick Award Winner 262.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Grind.