Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LEAN or LIEN at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using either LEAN or LIEN at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BOREDOM, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best boredom-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on August 7, 2016, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 6, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
Figurines by the teenage Colleen
Were censored and labeled obscene.
Though they did land a show,
The young artist can’t go;
Seems her work’s too “adult” and “unclean.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Art Humor, Censorship, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
I’ve tried and I’ve tried to get lean
But dieting just makes me mean.
When my tummy’s not full
How I snort like a bull!
Trust me, it’s not a nice scene.
Gotta come up with lots of long green
‘Cause the IRS just placed a lien
On my house and my car.
This time they went too far.
And my future’s gone down the latrine.
(Hundreds of Limericks and I haven’t used either word before!)
Eenie Meanie Tiny Words ~
How could she, my verses unseen,
Chose two words that have not felt my spleen?
Wrote ‘clean client’ before,
And Mom’s name, ‘Eleanor,’
But this seems irrefutably mean.
[Posted one then realized I had edited-out Lean from the final version! It’s Baaaack…]
Eenie Meanie Tiny Words ~
Of course, since my verses are lean,
She chose words that have not felt my spleen.
Wrote ‘clean client’ before,
And Mom’s name, ‘Eleanor,’
But this seems irrefutably mean.
I prefer to write verse that is clean.
I don’t like to say stuff that’s obscene.
But if I just suggest,
You can fill in the rest,
And then you can decide what I mean!
Alongside the litter I lean
But to move it, I’m not very keen
Though unbearably bored
It is not that I hoard
No, I’m clearly too lazy to clean.
Said the visitor “Gosh! Have you seen
That your tower’s beginning to lean?”
“You silly old geezer,”
They said, “You’re in Pisa,
And that’s how the thing’s always been.”
The bimbo was thin as a bean,
And she always ate meat that was lean.
The only thing fat
That she’d swallow was that –
But to name it would be quite obscene.
Poor Jonah was seasick and green;
He was trapped in a live submarine,
Wading knee-deep in swill
Full of plankton and krill,
In the guts of a mighty baleen.
The Donald is taking a lien
On America. “Yeah, well, I mean,
It’s a question of trust –
When the country goes bust,
I’ll be pocketing plenty of green.”
The girl was convinced she had scored
With a hunk, but her needs were ignored.
Though he stayed the whole night,
There was no sex in sight;
She didn’t get drilled, only bored.
To stave off his feelings of boredom,
He thought he would sample some whoredom.
The call-girls looked nice,
But on learning their price,
He found that he couldn’t afford ’em.
The matador lay on the ground,
And his sighs were a world-weary sound.
When they asked “Are you bored?”
He replied “I’ve been gored”,
So the bull was the winner that round.
“Lemme tell you, my lifestyle is clean,
And I don’t unnerstand what they mean
When they say I don’t oughter
Have sex with my daughter –
On fam’ly traditions I’m keen.”
Banned from her own art show, Colleen
Resolved she would still make the scene;
Brashly, she and friend Mallory
Posed nude outside the gallery
Spouting limericks artfully unclean.
Honey Money ~
The loss was the biggest he’d seen,
And the money he used wasn’t clean.
The men with the dough
Have collectors, you know,
Who were holding his wife as the lien.
Mad, I hadn’t spotted the identity rhyme in the limerick above, Could you replace it with this one? Ta.
Life is boring, depressing and grey;
A blowjob would brighten his day.
“Will you suck me?” he’ll ask her,
But, no multitasker,
She won’t throw her gum-stick away.
From MBK: I deleted your earlier version.
Dolly DeParted ~
The clown’s hat? A Matryoshka doll,
And inside was a cute, smaller moll
With two poisonous tits
That would kill you in fits
If you bored him by being banal.
They asked the old tramp why he’d lean
Every day by the bank. “Now, come clean –
Are you holding the wall?
Do you think it will fall?”
“Yes.” He walked away. “See what I mean?”
Minerity Report ~
Their marriage, too dull for his wife,
So she left him for happier strife.
No miner was finer,
The old Forty-Niner
Fastidiously bored through his life.
Vocabulations from the Dull Side ~
Jejune, as a word, is inane,
And the meaning is rather mundane:
It’s naïve, it’s simplistic,
And not realistic.
No antonyms! Yes – that’s it’s bane.
The Short Happy Life… ~
He hated his job on the rigs,
And preferred to hunt thing-a-ma-jigs.
Bored out of his gourd,
He took up the sword
And was boared to death by wild pigs.
[Sophomore year in High School, our English teacher said King Lear was almost boared to death on one of his hunts. We read Macomber a couple of years later.]
A young poet whose name was Marlene
Said “I don’t like a verse that’s obscene.
But if I just suggest,
You can fill in the rest,
And then you can decide what I mean!”
I’ve decided it’s time to go green,
Lots of veggies and good stuff that’s lean.
Wouldn’t take too much wealth,
And it’s good for my health.
Gotta keep my old innards pristine!
I’ve a touch of tedium vitae
Some excitement would brighten my day
Girls, one two and three
Could ease my ennui
With a mind blowing triple BJ
More to the story:
Banned from her own art show, Colleen
Resolved she would still make the scene;
Brashly she and friend Mallory
Posed nude outside the gallery
Spouting limericks artfully unclean.
Minutes later, the street was a-buzz
Someone watching, it seems, called the fuzz;
Was it because he
Too was fuzz, or was he
Not? Still no one knows who he was.
Col and Mal were led briskly away
By police; the chief had this to say:
“Though Colleen is my niece
Still, she disturbed the peace
And must learn that nude rhyme does not pay!”
Back at home and once more fully dressed
Colleen sculpts underneath house arrest;
One must suffer for art,
Still she knows in her heart
The publicity brought her success!
My limerick is here:
Dog Days – Hounded by Humidity and Losing Lucidity
Thanks for the prompt!
(Aaaarghhh! Where’s Fred Bortz when you need him?)
Why on earth did I look up ‘allene’?
It is classed in the group ‘polyene’
If its atoms are three,
But with more, tra-la-li,
It’s a compound that’s called ‘cumulene’.
On me, be assured you can lean,
I’m here when times aren’t serene.
I”ve been there all along.
I’m loyal and I’m strong.
I’ll be there through trials unforeseen.
Don’t mess with me- I’m strong and lean,
If you’re hurtful, you’ll see I’ll be mean.
I’m tough and I’m strong.
Don’t dare do me wrong.
I just want a life that’s serene.
She’s not that curvaceous, she’s lean,
Her hotness is in there, unseen.
But if you come and play,
She’ll lead you astray;
You’ll go off like lit kerosene.
Your diet should mostly be green,
Fish that’s fatty is better than lean.
Sugar, dairy and wheat
Are not healthy to eat.
Wise choices, not really extreme.
The bore’s talking through his chapeau;
The party is just running slow.
Say, “I like how you think;
Got to refill my drink.”
Then very fast get up and go.
At the bar I am once more exploring
Opportunities to wind up scoring.
It’s the same old routine,
Not one chick to be seen,
And the whole thing is getting real boring.
Arleen and Celine and Darlene,
Eileen and Kathleen and Pauline –
They’re all size eighteen,
So waddya mean,
“You only like girls that are lean”?
(Mad, you will understand that the identity rhymes are essential!)
To Marty G:
To hell with the bars, go to church!
On each pew doth pure virgin doves perch
Have the time of your life
(Just don’t pick someone’s wife)
And my friend, that’s the end of your search!
She liked her men lanky and lean;
A go with a group was her scene.
She’d yell at the blokes
And judge all their strokes;
That coxswain was born to be mean.
She felt that her sex life was boring,
She moped while he fell asleep, snoring.
She got a hot lover,
Great joys to discover!
She’s beaming now, simply adoring!
The neighborhood barbecue scene
Had a quirk to its burger cuisine
With participants nude
An announcement ensued:
“Quarter pounders here all are quite lean!”
Then I pondered, where is the hygiene?
Is there soap in the nearby latrine?
It speaks of a blunder
If folks have to wonder
‘Bout where the cook’s fingers have been.
He said, “Doesn’t much have to be clean
It works better than any vaccine
Immune systems boost
When more germs are produced”
After that, I felt queasy, turned green.
Just ignore me, I won’t intervene
If you’re sick, don’t cry how I was mean
And I hope each one learns
Before any meat burns
To be all taking turns with sunscreen.
Jack Sprat was a pint-sized string bean,
But his wife couldn’t eat any lean.
Her weighty demeanor
When riding his wiener
Was crushingly elephantine.
There once was a tart from Brisbane
Who had found turning tricks quite mundane.
All positions explored,
She remained really bored
And decided she’d simply abstain.
Mrs. Frankenstein, lissome and lean,
Had as perfect a bod as I’ve seen.
Husband Vic, from the start,
Took her hand, stole her heart,
And her liver, both lungs, and her spleen.
I showed her my new trampoline.
“Shall we give it a spin?” She was keen,
But I’m hereby renouncing
A blowjob while bouncing –
The reason, I’m sure you can glean.
(An old joke limericised)
He was hoping that sex would be nice
On his wedding-night – ah, paradise!
But he hadn’t a clue
As to what he should do,
So he phoned up his Ma for advice.
He called her back later. “It’s been
Quite a worrying night.” “What d’you mean?”
“Well, I managed the poking,
But, Ma – now she’s smoking!”
“I TOLD you to use vaseline!”
A Rabbi didn’t want to be seen
Cooking a recipe from a food magazine,
It would include prawns and diced pork
To be tossed with a fork
Wrapped in bacon, crispy and lean.
*********************
A Rabbi who got sleepy when bored
Would incur the wrath of the Lord,
Officiating at the Jewish New Year
He caused quite a stir,
Fell asleep in the pulpit and snored.
They played “Jump”, and I jumped. What a scene!
Then “The Twist”, and I twisted. It’s been
Quite an evening, no doubt
But I then was thrown out
When the DJ played “Come on Eileen.”
I once struck a most happy medium
At a seance both dull and quite seedy. Um,
Just after my slap he
Was rather less happy
But it did help to lessen the tedium.
“I’m wedding Jack Spratt,” said Irene.
“But I’m worried he won’t keep it clean.
“I think the old bore’ll
“Want to get oral.
So I’ve told him I cannot eat lean.”
An acrostic, just for fun.
I’m lazy; it’s rather overt
No energy will I exert
Essentially,, null.
Relaxed, but it’s dull
To sit here, in essence, inert.
On my salary the bank placed a lien
‘Cause on defaulted loans they’re not keen
It’s tough to adjust
But I’ll do as I must
As my days go from
real fat to lean
There once was a woman named Jean
Who had the most dignified mien.
“I’m addicted to soap,”
She admitted, “I hope
With treatment, I soon will come clean.”
Home security systems are keen.
But just think, the term also could mean
A security ploy
That the banks can employ.
I am talking about a home lien.
US people ooze love by the fother,
and say everyone there is their brother.
But when bored, they resort
to their national sport,
which is going and suing each other.
In medical school, student tried,
But boredom could not be denied.
She passed all her classes,
So now the young lass is
A doctor who’s bored certified.
A man who had developed a lean,
Put the blame on a lousy cuisine.
But his breakfast was fine,
And his dinner, benign—
It was all of the drinks in between.
He invented “Low-energy Jeb”, “Lyin’ Ted” and “Crooked Hillary”…
Introducing:
Despicable Donald was seen
Telling the world that he’d lean
On our allies to pay;
Or he’ll pave the way
For Putin to get away clean.
He grew up thinking life’s just a bore.
He felt trapped in Ennui, with no door
To a meaningful life,
Until he met his wife
Now he KNOWS life’s a bore AND a chore!
His rich uncle got him a job–
Quite boring, but he earned a few bob.
Then a chance came up quick
Now his life’s a picnic
He learned that the Rich one can rob!
His build was muscly and lean
As one would liked to have been
But too late for that
At 87 and fat
So all one can do now is dream.
The sermon was so bloody boring
That the whole congregation was snoring
Oh! Then many a volt
From a big lightning bolt
Woke them up with a jolt, rain inpouring.
“The wrath of the Lord hath but spoken!”
Cried the priest as the flock hath awoken
“The next time you sleepeth
The Grim Reaper reapeth
The fire in hell keepeth a-smokin’!”
Then a clever young fellow named Dave
Said, “It’s YOUR job our lost souls to save
You’ve failed US, so don’t yell
You’re the one goin’ to hell
So you just might as well dig your grave.
“Guilt and fear’s how you slyly control
And enslave every innocent soul
You just keep all us sheep
In a deep kind of sleep
You old boring big creep, you arsehole!”
“If that’s true, may the Lord strike me dead!”
Said the priest as a beam crushed his head
His phony philosophies
Lie in theosophy’s
Self-fulfilled prophecy’s bed.
“I need money,” the stripper pined
“For relief from financial bind.”
As she gyrates and thrusts,
Says, “The boredom disgusts,
‘Cause it’s always the same old grind.”
The wife, she’s as thin as a bean
Her sister, not nearly so lean
For a nice piece of rump
It’s ‘big sis’ that I’d hump
Such a shame she’s only fifteen
In politics, Donald is mean,
Uncouth, unprepared and unclean.
He’ll ramble and rail
And declare that you’ll fail,
No matter which way you might lean.
My most liberal friends tend to lean
To supporting Jill Stein–she’s the Green.
I protest, “Check the facts.
They don’t mind anti-vaxx
And homeopathics are seen
In their platform. It’s clearly extreme–
An ideologue’s far leftist dream.”
Alas, they just pillory
Both Trumpster and Hillary.
“They’re equally bad,” they just scream.
I hope by November, they’ve seen
The difference –YUUUGE–in between
The Dem and the Fascist
And remove from their ass-cist
Their befuddled, misguided “old bean.”
(Note, this poem doesn’t mention the Green’s position on Israel, which is tantamount to ending its existence as a Jewish homeland. If you accept that position, don’t raise it with me.)
The Haitus That Waitus ~
I know that my posts have been lean
Since the last verse of mine that you’ve seen –
‘lest you’ve followed Mad’s page
Which is still quite the rage!
(Oops! This brown-nosing’s kind of obscene.)
First I drove to my job in my car.
Then I drove from the job to a bar.
There I drank a cold beer,
Cleaned some wax from my ear,
Then went home, which was not all that far.
Jack yawns. “I think soccer is boring.
I prefer to watch games with more scoring.”
Still Jill feels a thrill
When the tally’s nil-nil,
While beside her, her boyfriend is snoring.
Sorry, Mad, but would you mind changing the L3 & 4 punctuation to commas? Thanks!
From MBK: Done.
A farmer who’d gotten quite bored
With his job struck the following chord:
“I raise squash every year.
It’s increasingly clear
I’m about to go out of my gourd!”
This morning’s maths class was really boring
Fell asleep at my desk, started snoring
Got sent to the head
Shamefaced when he said
You’ve let your class down, Professor Goring
The guitar students seemed to be bored,
Till from teacher’s guitar music poured
That the kids understood.
So I guess that you could
Say guitarist’s new song struck a chord.
Despicable Donald has stated
One part of the job that he hated:
The details, he fears,
Would bore him to tears;
‘Cause knowledge is so overrated.
My neighbor, a gal named Eileen,
Made a loud and long sexual scene.
She screamed all through the night
But stopped cold at first light.
(I think maybe she broke her machine.)
At the oceanfront, there was a horde
Of young swimmers who showed some discord.
After surfing for days,
The specific malaise
They developed was known as surf-bored.
A messiah, most surly and mean,
Has somehow invaded our scene.
He rouses the throngs
With fantasy wrongs
He’ll fix, so on him we must lean.
This wreaking ball known as The Donald,
Is enabled by Ryan/McConnell.
With insults and slurs,
He never demurs
From trashing the party of Ronald.
His rantings are slapping a lien
On our nation, simply to glean
Cheers from a mob;
No time for the job,
He’s too busy venting his spleen.
Her body was sexy and lean;
The most beautiful he’d ever seen.
His eyes could attest
From her thighs to her chest;
Or more likely, somewhere in between.
Mad – please change line 3 above to “His eyes could attest”
Thanks, Dave
(MBK: Done.)
Ann Coulter is skinny and mean;
The fright-wing is where she will lean.
She torches a room,
Then hops on her broom
And cackles while fleeing the scene.
“This movie is boring” he said;
“I’m thinking that it’s time for bed.”
She realized she might
Spend the rest of the night
Just watching him snoring instead.
Oops-again…
Mad could you please change line 5 of “Ann Coulter” to:
“And cackles while fleeing the scene.”
(my stuff needs better seasoning before serving it up…)
Thanks, Dave
(MBK: Done.)
As a teen he was gangly and lean,
But the Donald’s grown chunky and mean.
You can tell from his act,
Which is cruel and sans fact.
Watch him preen as he’s venting his spleen.
That chick flick was such a damn bore
But her date was a-hoping to score
“Won’t you please hold my head
And just kiss it,” he said
So she did (not the one he’d hoped for).
Lengthy fairy tales surely are wrong.
Though the story line may be quite strong,
When the creatures have roared,
Little kids will get bored
‘Cause they dragon completely too long.
“Oh Mummy, school’s out, what a bore!”
“I’ll fix THAT! Now you each get a chore
Dust and vacuum, do dishes
Clean rooms, feed the fishes!”
They never complain anymore.
I know this may sound kinda mean
But I can’t stand a guy who’s too lean
When we hug, I’m just wrangling
A torso that’s dangling
And feel like I’m strangling his bean.
When I stand side by side (what a scene!)
With my li’l anorexic machine
Even though I am slim
I look fatter than him
So you’ll never see photos onscreen.
Making love is a stressful routine
With the sheets, he gets lost in between
He just seems so damn frail
When his limbs start to flail
And he calls me his mean wolverine.
These skinny guys must have a gene
That makes them uptight, a bit mean
They can’t seem to relax
They should eat healthy snacks
And cut down on their daily caffeine.
Scrap the bean pole, the stick figurine
For a guy with a shoe size eighteen
A teddy bear clone
Who’s got meat on each bone
Who won’t fall when against him I lean.
He’ll protect me and he’ll intervene
If a thug comes along unforeseen
Then my sweet honeycomb
Will just carry me home
Where he’ll pamper me just like a queen.
The actors are healthy and lean
In every McDonald’s ad scene.
Big profits they’d blow
If they were to show
Real fans of their fast-food cuisine.
I’ve friend who’s a model, quite lean
And her birthday came up on the scene
So I thought I would bake
Her a gigantic cake
Just to help her gain weight, that string bean!
Now the calorie count was obscene
(Boy oh boy, I am feeling so mean)
So eat up, skinny tramp
You’re the sugar cream champ
But don’t get any cramps, birthday queen!
My big weakness, the chocolate praline
More addictive than drugs, nicotine
‘Cause if you stole my treat
Then your life I’d delete
As I’d kill for my sweet cocoa bean.
Said the seal to the little sardine
“You’re not worth giving chase, you’re too lean!”
Well, he sure sealed the deal
As that truth he’d reveal –
He’d become a shark’s meal in between!
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 258.
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Boredom-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Poor.