Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Release or Lease or Police at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Release or Lease or Police at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to MONEY, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best money-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on June 26, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 25, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
To attend you must sign a release
And concede you’re not scared of wild geese
And don’t mind being bitten.
More clauses are written.
Their contents? Our lawyer’s caprice.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Law Limerick, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Legal Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A young lady whose name was Denise
Asked me if she could give me a “piece.”
I said “certainly, honey”
And I gave her some money,
Then she said “guess what – I’m the police!”
What’s In A Name?
Their last name is Lies- -pronounced ‘lease’
The parents, Bernice and Maurice,
Were both told, “Eff you!”
By Denise, their nephew
When they named their new son, FurElise
But the two meant no breach of the peace
They just loved that Beethoven piece
So to keep people happy
They tried something snappy
And instead named their son, Rhearelyse.
His grammatical errors increase;
Wrong apostrophes litter each piece.
Then last night, around four,
Came a knock at his door:
“Open up! It’s the grammar police!”
The bachelor valued his peace,
And saw hookers each night without cease.
He would say: “Why get married?
Why risk being harried?
Why buy when it’s cheaper to lease?”
There was never a moment of peace;
She could talk like a gaggle of geese;
She would scold and she’d nag
Till a large plastic bag
Brought him silence – a blessed release.
… a few from elsewhere, on the subject of money.
(Donald Trump begs for contributions)
“Please send me some money – you must,
’Cause you know I’m the guy you can trust.
As Prez, I will show how
My bankruptcy knowhow
Can make the whole country go bust.”
*************************************
(A fair price)
Though the Donald is not very nice,
I’d be voting for Trump in a trice
If he offered enough
Of his ill-gotten stuff.
Fifty trillion would be a fair price.
*************************************
(Presidential currency)
Get ready for President Hill
And that cheating old reprobate, Bill.
And when she’s a goner,
I hope they will honour
Her head on a three-dollar bill.
No wonder the guy was obese;
He would eat only food full of grease
And of sugar and fat
Till one day he went “Splat!”
So his life had a very short lease.
Big Pharma
They’d discovered a cure for cancer,
But dropped it. Who’d want to finance a
Huge revenue loss?
“To stay rich”, said the boss,
“Lifelong pills, and not cures, are the answer.”
A wealthy old man signed a lease
For a randy young stripper, Denise.
To enjoy an affair?
Oh No, he did swear,
“I’m quite married, and she’s just my niece.”
There’s no need to call the police,
I don’t want this pleasure to cease.
He’s stolen my heart,
This roguish upstart!
He’s destroyed who I was, piece by piece.
Oh, please, someone call the police!
I’m chased by a flock of mad geese!
They’ve claimed all my land,
They shit and grandstand.
Their honking and nipping won’t cease!
A slimy young dude named Maurice
Met a widow he thought he could fleece.
But his try was for naught,
For he quickly got caught.
Now he hopes for an early release.
She was moonlighting from the police
As a hooker called “Mistress Felice”,
Blonde below and above,
And he murmured: “I love
A fair cop”, as he nibbled her fleece.
IAMB HAPPY TO SUBMIT:
Mad Kane and her lim’rick police
Cry “Re-verse!” if your an’pests increase.
They monitor meter;
Correct when your feet’re
As if they were honked out by geese.
There was once a man too obese
to release putrid gas from his crease
his nostrils were venting
the toxins fermenting
Cause his ears were clogged with old grease
You may think that these lines are caprice.
Having intercourse gives a release.
Things are just as they should;
War has never been good,
And there never has been a bad piece.
Co-habiting birds saved a ton
Of money and had lots of fun.
The old adage is true,
And you probably knew
That toucan live as cheep as swan.
“What is money?” asked Winnie-the-Pooh.
“It’s the stuff that buys honey,” said Roo.
“You want some? Forget it,
You’ll only regret it –
The rich will just take it from you.”
When Jason, a hero of Greece,
Was arrested and grilled by police,
They told him, “You scammer!
You’re off to the slammer.
We’ve named your new hoax ‘golden fleece.'”
A smart working girl named Clarice
Serviced johns very fast to increase
Her receipts and her profit.
The moment she’d doff it,
She’d target his early release.
When Beethoven penned a new piece,
Writing gave his love life a new lease
In the depths of his mind,
Since the girls he declined
Found him saving himself für Elise.
A sad, tawdry saga is Mitch’s
Beginning with staggering riches
To which he fell heir.
They were squandered with flair
Since his tool couldn’t stay in his britches.
The honky-tonk radio’s theme
Kept the star-gazer’s eyes all agleam:
“If you’ve got the money,
I’ve time for you, honey!”
Sans cash, it was all a wet dream.
A detective entreated Bernice
‘Tween the sheets of the Chief of Police,
“Keep this tryst undercover.
My boss, who’s your lover,
Can’t know that you’ve fingered my piece.”
She laughed, “We’re discreet. Hold your peace.
Since that cuckolded Chief of Police
Lacks the vim and the vigor
I feel when your trigger
Is pulled, let the firing increase.”
This is not a contest entry, but I couldn’t help myself:
Today, I am queer and I’m proud,
‘Cause I stand with those weeping aloud.
It is not divine will
When some coward would kill—
Let us all say we’re gay and unbowed.
Making money — executives’ creed.
Lack of ethics, a problem indeed.
Money’s love to excess
May not end in success.
What’s the problem? It’s avarice, aGREED?
I was reading a great press release –
“Trump arrested for breach of the peace:
Judge declares “For your crime,
Thirty years is the time” . . .”
What a shame that my dream had to cease.
I pretended that she was my niece,
That lovely young hooker, Felice.
But my friend wasn’t fooled;
“Let me join you”, he drooled,
So she charged us five hundred apiece.
Too much money in politics (sigh).
If alive, founding fathers would cry.
Legislature today
Is bi-cameral? Nay.
It’s buy-cameral, best money can buy.
(I hope this is NOT an accurate prediction, even if it deserves to be)
Money talks! Though the Knight had been robbed,
His supporters just would not be fobbed,
And elected the Rook,
Even though he’s a crook.
“But I should have won!” the Queen sobbed.
Square dance caller put on a good show
And he watched people dance to and fro.
Lots of money he made
And was handsomely paid
Not by check, but with some do-si-dough.
If money to me you’d disburse
For odes that were raunchy or worse,
‘Twould allow me to say,
In my deviant way,
“I guess that my pay’d be per verse.”
“Lots of fish in the sea!” is a piece
Of old “wisdom” he cites without cease.
He beds ladies one night;
After that, he takes flight.
His philosophy: catch and release.
When Jason returned with the Fleece
he put all his crew on release
and all he would tender
for service they rendered–
at most, half an obol apiece.
A lady who wanted release
Decided to call the police.
But they said, “Sorry, ma’am,
That your marriage is damned.
Get a lawyer and pay for your peace!”
I think I will call the police
If that racket next door doesn’t cease.
I have sent a long email
To that rowdy female
WIth the heading in BOLD “Whore and Piece”.
There once was a miser named Ken
Who lusted again and again
For all kinds of money,
And said, “It’s not funny;
For Japanese bills I’ve a Yen.”
A harlot, a young sassy piece,
Saw her business quite quickly increase.
“The example I see
Is Airbnb—
It’s a rental and not a full lease.
The woman, well known to police,
When arrested, protested “Pul-leese,
As I’ve told you before,
I like to sleep in the raw;
The men are just visiting their niece.”
“Like Jason and the Argonaut caprice,
Men look for the famed piece of fleece.
Their sweet offers to pay,
Make me invite them to stay
But those who slip in, I release.”
A farmer needing sexual release
Often had sex with his geese,
But he ran out of luck
When his boner got stuck,
Saying in future he’d be applying some grease.
******************************
STAGFLATION?
This restaurant’s much too DEER
So you’ll need lots of DOE to eat here,
Now I think thirty BUCKS
For a chocolate MOOSE sucks
And I’m STAGgered at the price of a beer.
From an officer tasked with the peace,
Saying, “Can you desist or please cease?”
I was taken aback
By this sweet southern flack.
In New Yawk we have ruder police.
FYI: Mad: My real name is Elyse
Even though my name is Elyse
I must now speak my piece
It is not Lisa
And certainly not Theresa
But it’s okay if you call me “Lis”
I ran into my home-ed student Bernice
20 years after I signed my lease
At the grocery store
She said, “Miss Moore,
I still can’t find that elbow grease”
A dairy cow has a large girth.
Its owner declares with much mirth:
“Since I have a cash cow,
I’ll earn money. Here’s how:
Just milk it for all that it’s worth.”
Though her wealthy old lover is gruff,
He buys her a lot of nice stuff.
But when ready for sex,
There’s no time for checks;
Just a blindfold while he’s in the buff.
Mad – please replace line 2 of my entry above with
“he buys her a lot of nice stuff.”
Thanks Dave
From MBK: Done.
They’re trying to figure out how
To talk Trump into dropping out now.
Two billion or so
Could entice him to go;
The Koch brothers then take a bow.
FROM ELYSE
My 2 husbands called me Lys
But we had few moments of peace
We would fight all night
Till the morning light
At which time they called me “meese”
When I was racing, came the police
My slacks were a bright cerise
I said I was sorry
I destroyed my Ferrari
And my pants are a period piece
A car that I once had to lease
Was all falling apart, piece by piece
The brakes screeched like a cat
Then the tires went flat
Dragging bumper caused sparks to increase.
Poop dropped on my cracked windshield by geese
Engine seized, lacking oil and grease
‘Twas in traffic jam mode
As it blocked the whole road
Until somebody called the police.
Tow truck came and he wanted my money
Unless I, for one night, was his ‘honey’
I at first said “Okay”
But instead, ran away
Well, he didn’t think that was so funny!
Some addicts would sell their own mother
Just to get one more fix, then another
Stealing cash for cocaine
It’s a big ball and chain
Where dumb slaves inflict pain like no other.
I had to call the police
Concerning my blind date, Reese
He moved very fast
And I became aghast
When I noticed his knife-like crease
An old gigolo known as “Benny”
Worked hard to be worth every penny.
But years have conspired
To make the guy tired;
Now clients are not getting any.
His hard times are over, it’s true;
They’ll have to find somebody new.
That dude in the tub
Could give ’em a rub;
While Cialis is cleaning up too.
The beautiful beaches near Nice
Can provide a free-swinging release
For the mammary gland.
Ladies, topless and tanned,
Are the Côte d’Azur’s primo showpiece.
MONEY THEME
“Please help!” comes the man’s mournful call.
“I’m a Mexican trapped in the thrall
Of a store called J. Crew.”
So I know that it’s true:
If you’ve seen Juan, then you’ve seen The Mall.
The Euro is so overrated
The economy’s underinflated
Euros kill competition
And business tradition
The issue’s still being debated.
A bell in old London resounds
As a pickpocket stealthily bounds
A poor victim named Heather
Now light as a feather
Has lost altogether, twelve Pounds.
The Chinese Yuan prints its bucks
Multi-colored, just like the Canucks
The bills are the kind
Where folks don’t really mind
If you’re all colorblind, you poor schmucks!
Now don’t you complain, don’t you heckle
If I want to use only the Shekel
If you’ve never known
How its value has grown
You’re about ten cards short of a deckle.
Remember, it’s Ruble, not Rubble
The Russians don’t want any trouble
If just one buck will buy
Thirty-two Rubles, try
To keep current, it’s actually double.
Only eight countries using the Peso
The number’s shrunk, if I may say so
There once was quite plenty
There used to be twenty
If only that number would stay so.
Have you looked at the Japanese Yen?
There’s an egg in the middle (no hen!)
Big white eggshell there, folks
And I tell you no yolks
Where’s the chicken? Escaped from the pen!
The German Mark – thing of the past
They knew that it just couldn’t last
In the Euro-filled moat
They stay (somehow) afloat
Like a big heavy boat with no mast.
The Norwegians, Danes, Swedes and their Krone
Are doing quite well on their own
The Krone thrives and survives
‘Cause they’ve saved all their lives
So they’ve certainly reaped what they’ve sown.
Hey, remember those priceless Swiss Francs?
Must be trillions now, stashed in their banks
All those offshore accounts
Are why poverty mounts
And our checks all just bounce, let’s say ‘thanks’!
I checked out old India’s Rupee
That’s ’cause I’m a little bit snoopy
How much for a buck?
Sixty-seven – what luck!
As their currency value seems droopy.
Then you have those American Dollars
Made by clever congressional scholars
There’s a global demand
Though its debt is quite grand
With exchange rates all run by white collars.
Decrying that no one respects it,
Great Britain has pulled off its “Brexit”.
The subsequent crash
Is draining our cash;
They ought to be calling it “Wrecksit”.
An MBA student named Jenny
Has assets desired by many.
Her business plan states
Only hourly rates
To service both Lenny and Penny.
Our smartphones and other devices
Unlock a whole world that entices.
They hold our attention
Full time, not to mention
Lost moments – and that’s what the price is.
Have you ever walked down any street
And found cash in your path at your feet?
A thrill tends to flow
From your head to your toe
Whenever the two of you meet.
A hot girly dancer – Tallulah
Knows how to go after your moolah.
She’ll jiggle her wares,
Remove all your cares
And do all the things that’ll fool ya.
Las Vegas, that desert oasis,
Was built on an interesting basis.
You lose all your dough,
Then booze while they show
Bare boobies in big, glitzy places.
I just found your page today while looking for Limerick contests. Thank you for presenting these ongoing opportunities and for listing resources for others.
I’m sure you’ll understand the difficulty I had using lease, release, and police (in that order, below), considering the events described. Normally, I won’t use the same rhyme in lines 3 and 4, but this seemed the best way to explain my situation. I also decided to tie in the Money theme in the first line.
Sheesh! ~
I was broke, so I took out a leash,
On a dog collar with quick-releash,
But I fell on my keesh
And knocked out all my teesh
‘cause it failed when he chased the poleesh.
There are slang terms for cash by the batch.
Here’s a few of the words that attach:
Moolah, bread, dosh and dough.
Yes, it all goes to show
That we all have an itch for the scratch.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Money-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick-Off Winner 255.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Rain.