Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Press or Impress or Express or Oppress at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Press or Impress or Express or Oppress at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ANGER, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best anger-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on June 12, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 11, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
When job-seekers “dress to impress”
At the office, that’s helpful I guess.
But must social attire
Entail and require
Spending ev’ry last cent you possess?
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Clothing Humor, Competition Limerick, Employment Humor, Fashion Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A young lady I tried to impress
Was excited to see me undress.
I was sure she expected
To see something erected,
But she soon had to settle for less.
Though underendowed, he would dress
In a manner suggesting largesse.
With a codpiece as thick
As an elephant’s prick,
The Donald was sure to impress.
My wife and my best friend in bed!
In my anger, I shot them both dead,
Then I buried them deep
In my composting heap.
Now my garden is very well fed.
Press / anger
He cursed as he tried to undress
His girl, but with little success.
All those buttons and zippers
Look easy for strippers,
But for men, they enrage and depress.
Those bastards who cynically mess
With your head, causing untold distress,
Spreading lies, propaganda,
False rumours and slander,
Are collectively known as “The Press”.
Dick knew all the buttons to press
To ensure that she’d soon acquiesce,
But when he said “Do it!”,
She thought he said “Chew it!”
Poor Dick is now a dick less.
The Republicans tried to suppress
The candidate’s growing success.
They admitted (verbatim):
“It seems we cain’t beat him;
We better just join him, I guess.”
The elections enrage me, God rot ’em!
If there’s one thing that’s really the bottom,
It’s the lies and the slanders
Against Bernie Sanders.
His proposals? Most countries have got ’em.
(Mad, I’m willing to admit that this is a bit OTT.)
The 1% tried to impress
On the nation their need for excess.
They said with defiance,
“It ain’t rocket science –
We need more, so that means you get less.”
Pastor Cruz did his best to repress
All that stood in the way of a “Yes”
For his horrible son.
Now it’s over and done,
How did God make this godawful mess?
She had taken the Orient Express
Overnight, and began to undress
When she spotted a hunk
Fast asleep in her bunk.
He awoke. “Missed my station, I guess.“
A woman worked hard to impress
The guy with whom she did obsess.
She smiled and she flirted;
Was quite extroverted
In a state of seductive undress.
The Acela is called an Express
That is what AMTRAK does profess.
But it’s often late
That sure does frustrate!
It’s a problem they need to address.
I find that I cannot express
My feelings without some distress:
This election’s offensive
We’re all on the defensive
It’s become quite a frightening mess.
The conductor had brought her the score
For a private rehearsal of Spohr.
But the ‘diminuendo’
Had turned to ‘crescendo’;
The ’cellist was feeling quite sore.
“My dears,” said the snake, “let me press
You to taste this delectable cress.”
But the ‘cress’ was an apple;
Their sexual grapple
Would bring them to Eden’s egress.
Edited version-
I find that I cannot express
My feelings without some distress:
GOP’s gone insane;
All truth they disdain.
It’s become quite a frightening mess.
She got angry on finding him dead:
“He alluded to clearing his head.
Though the drill bit was dull,
It got through his thick skull.
Is it any surprise I see red?”
The gal never tried to impress
With come-hither or states of undress.
Her hotness was there,
Guys were well aware.
Her heart, they each longed to possess.
A guy tried too hard to impress
With a cock size that was in excess.
But gals didn’t care,
They’d done that, been there.
It’s all intellect and caress.
Dear heartthrob, I must confess
When your lips upon mine do press
You put me in like dither
With your look of ‘come hither’
Your intentions, you must now profess
Now I really must clean and must press
My good suit ’cause it’s really a mess!
Gotta have it by noon,
Better be ready soon,
Or I’ll have to start wearing a dress!
Good morning. I come here to press
My suit; and I wish to impress,
That I need it by 1
So, when pressing is done,
I’d like it delivered “Express”.
There was just so much anger and fear.
Things just are not as they appear.
There was so much hurt
Our eyes would avert
I think I know, but it’s unclear.
The bartender said to her brother
He’s not going to serve them another.
The lady was pissed;
She stood up and hissed
Three words – starting out with “You mother…”
When my anger I try to express,
I just get myself into a mess.
I yell and I curse,
But that just makes it worse,
And what comes next is anyone’s guess.
My experiment’s sure to impress.
I’m creating a hybrid—oh, yes!—
Of a wolf and a man,
An unparalleled plan,
And no doubt, a h-howling success.
I hope you’re lycan this one.
For a starlet, a must is good press.
But how do you get it? One guess.
No it’s not what you say,
Though some wit is OK.
The secret? Why simply undress.
All aboard! It’s the Quantum Express
Where the route’s well-defined, more or less,
’Til you pass through the tunnel.
And then what you’ve done’ll
Be just a statistical guess.
MARCHING ORDERS
If Trump makes you angry, just note
That the lies that spew out of his throat,
Though vicious and vile,
Are only a pile
Of bullshit. So get out and vote!
Her bra size is sure to impress
A man who enjoys breast excess.
With DDs forty-four,
They are hard to ignore.
Her cups runneth over, I guess.
The star basketball player has stress.
At his trial, he’s under duress.
The whole courtroom is jammed;
Each reporter is crammed
In the room that is called full court press.
“My displeasure is easy to see,”
Said the man, and his friends all agree.
“I’ve support,” says the guy,
“When I’m angry, ’cause my
Middle finger will stand up for me.”
When the woman conducted a poll
Of some drivers on turnpikes, a whole
Lot of anger was found.
“It’s not fare!” they’d expound.
It appears the high fees took their toll.
Some transvestites and other confessors
Are considered to be law transgressors.
They don’t like the new law,
And it sticks in their craw.
They’re so angry they’re known as cross dressers.
A stripper will gladly confess
She always makes more wearing less.
But this sums up their work,
I say with a smirk.
Their calling? Undress to impress.
If your date you try to impress
With your fake and phony address
Meet at Burger King
Have a fun fling
Take her home and you’ve achieved success
When I met my blind date Jess
I showed him my Calvin Klein dress
Underneath the label
It said “Low Cost Stable”
Boy he’s easy to impress!
Anger will give you stress
And then you lose your finesse
So walk out of the house
And tell your spouse
“My Darling, I couldn’t care less”
You should never never obsess
To be phony and try to impress
Someone who says he has money
Because I’m telling you, Honey
You’ll create a perpetual mess
It’s said that Eliot Ness
Deliberately leaked to the press,
That Al Capone
When left on his own,
Often preferred to cross-dress.
****************************
It’s said about Sigmund Freud
That Carl Jung got him annoyed,
He would rave and rant
About that awful Kant,
And Schopenhauer he would always avoid.
The fellow is lacking finesse
For finding nice things to express.
He told his wife Sue
“I really think you
Look great in that butt-ugly dress.”
Manziel’s in New York to impress
Mr. Trump with his well-known success.
As a quality guy
Trustworthy and shy,
The VP should be nothing less.
Our shabby town is quite a mess
The economic downfall is causing much stress
So me and Hank
Robbed the bank
Then jumped on the next Metro express
Acrostic…
The rage in today’s GOP
Rots the party’s insides. We can see
Ugly insults fly thick.
Might a small, stubby dick
Prompt such crap? No, his brain is what’s wee.
(Or heart. That works too.)
My anger I tried to supress
But he knew which buttons to press
I finally saw red
With one whack on the head
He got his comeuppance, I guess
He’s claiming his Trump U was shrewd,
But students cried fraud and they sued.
Court documents show
What the plaintiffs all know:
You don’t have to undress to get screwed.
When you get angry, you tend to scream
It’s like a bad nightmarish dream
So take a break
For goodness sake
And treat yourself to chocolate ice cream
My daughter took lessons; her name is Bess
The driving teacher said she’s quite a mess
She went too far
And rear ended a car
The wrong pedal she did press
First he told me to undress
It was the first time I did transgress
I took off my frock
Boy did we ROCK
Now I’m off to church to fully confess
When daddy got angry I had a trick
So I wouldn’t have to hear his schtick
I would hide in the car
It was the best way by far
To get away speedy and quick
I’m thinking divorce, I’m so mad:
To rekindle the romance we had,
I suggested a date night,
A hot, sexy late night—
So she’s out with some actor named Brad.
Someone we know wants to impress
By taking on the liberal press
In some ways he’s right
But with his viscous bite
He’s losing his hair from “Elephant Stress”
‘The Donald’ is facing a mess.
Will he come clean and fully confess?
To the voters,’Trump U’
Should be read as F*** You,
But instead he’ll keep blaming the press.
At first, I was angry like some,
But I’m now disenchanted and glum,
‘Cause this demagogue, Trump,
Has exposed on the stump
Just how far we have not even come.
Dress for Success
A “G” marks the spot on her dress
Against which his member should press.
Then just watch his smooth move
Oh, that man’s in the groove!
No resisting their trysting success.
His bright “Hallelujahs” impress
But his musical flair and finesse
Truly can’t hold a candle
To how George can “Handel”
D major, his key to success.
Celebrities’ fans can obsess
On the outfits stars wear to impress.
As for fabric and form,
“Less is more” is the norm
Making stars underdress for success.
Some limerick writers obsess
On glandular clout and largesse,
But Madeline needs
A ditty that reads
With rhythm that’s meant to impress.
James Joyce had a way to express
Himself as he’d blithely suppress
Punctuation. Ask Molly
Who spit out a volley
Of words culminating with YES!
Labyrinthic it is to express
Shades of grey with panache and finesse.
Subtle nuance can soften
Hard facts but it often
Creates certain doubt (more or less).
Anger and golfing go hand in hand:
When putting, you shan’t double clutch
And drives shouldn’t hook or slice much.
But when you misuse
A club you will lose
Your temper, your tongue, and your touch.
A novitiate tried to express
Her regret, for she’d made quite a mess.
She had made it a habit
To kill off the rabbit.
She cried, but she’s gone, nuntheless.
With a limerick I’m hoping to impress
Such a seductive, beguilng temptress,
Yes, it’s Ms.Begun Kane
Who can drive men insane…..
Perhaps this schmoozing will bring me success.
*********************
When accused of being over-sexed
Bill Clinton replied, really vexed,
‘Everyone knows it’s my credo
to satisfy my libido,
now form a queue ladies, who’s next?’
The goal is: enrage and inflame
Supporters by spewing the blame
So his ratings will jump.
In Donald J. Trump,
Atrocity does have a name.
A Voter’s Lament
Oh, Bernie, you’re such an old grump!
I’m tired of your rants on the stump.
With your Socialist views,
I’m afraid you would lose,
Even against Donald Trump.
Yet I worry about “Bernie Bros,”
As the campaign approaches its close.
Will they take a chill pill
And decide to trust Hill?
I hope so, but nobody knows.
A woman would try to impress-
She’d subtly lift up her dress.
Then she raised the ante,
‘Cause she wore no pantie.
What followed was anyone’s guess.
Edited- A woman would try to impress-
She’d oh, so subtly lift up her dress.
Then she raised the ante,
‘Cause she wore no pantie.
What followed was anyone’s guess.
Most guys thought she tried to impress
When she’d skillfully hike up her dress
“Don’t wear panties, ” She said,
“But you guys have misread-
I just like the breeze, I confess.”
“Get your paper—it’s hot off the press!
‘The Whole Earth’s in a Hell of a Mess!'”
“But I’m having great sex
With a hunk with great pecs,
So I honestly couldn’t care less.”
Oops! I forgot to add quotes at the beginning of L3 and at the end of L5. Would you please fix that for me, Mad?
MBK: Done.
The Success Model Two will impress
As it draws out the pits with finesse.
It will not bruise the fruit,
And it’s quiet to boot,
‘Cause nothing sucks seeds like Success!
So why is it that men love to press
Women’s boobs with a squeeze? Do confess!
Just fill water balloons
It’s the same, you buffoons
In their texture and bounce, more or less.
When you close your eyes, you can obsess
With these water balloons you possess
Just don’t squeeze ’em too tight
Or kaboom! Spend the night
Just a-sleeping in quite a wet mess.
Now if that causes you too much stress
Then your options you must reassess
Ziploc bags full of blubber
Or ball-shaped foam rubber
Should finally bring you success!
The Press Express media mess –
That’s where big guns know how to suppress
The real news; they just lie
With their power; they try
To impress the oppressed Press Express.
When he joined anger management classes
Along with the ill-tempered masses
He felt he was cursed
Being fully immersed
In a room with the worst bunch of asses.
So what else could he bloody well do?
He tried Prozac, booze, pot and sex too
Waves of madness were tidal
A touch homicidal
Perhaps suicidal – snafu!
As he went to apply for some pogey
He met a strange man, some old fogey
Who wore a fedora
And had a bright aura
It’s hard to ignore a great yogi.
The old wise man could see through his pain
And he sought to unshackle his chain
Meditation he taught
And it helped him a lot
Peace and sanity came back again.
If it’s true that all hell hath no fury
Like a woman scorned, fellas, then hurry
To set things a-right
And don’t put up a fight
Or we’ll have to call in a grand jury.
But something is skewed; I’m confused
Why are women so widely abused?
They run helter-skelter
To hide in some shelter
While men are let off and excused.
Not all men are bad, I’m aware
A lot of them really do care
So could we please take
Just the losers and make
Them each take on a furious bear?
The battle for them would take longer
‘Cause they’ve never fought ‘gainst someone stronger
They’ll know what it’s like
To be feeling a strike
By a merciless, angry warmonger.
Sly Bernie continues to mess
With the minds of the voters and press.
He gins up our fear
With intentions unclear,
And leaves Dems to worry and guess.
A message from your Mama:
I would very much like to impress
On your wee tiny minds what a mess
You have made of this earth
From the poles to its girth—
You damned humans aren’t worth my largesse.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Anger-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick-Off Award 254.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Lease.