Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TWIST at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TWIST at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CARS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CAR-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 17, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 16 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A gal with a bun tried a twist,
Then confessed that she’d never been kissed.
But advice met resistance:
“Don’t want your assistance.
Stop dissing my hairdo!” she hissed.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A boy got his knickers in a twist
He felt The Bern, if you get my gist
He went to the poll
And screamed like a troll
His name was not on the list!
Pushed the key in and gave it a twist,
Then the engine just sputtered and hissed.
The damned car wouldn’t start
So I had to ride BART,
And you’d better believe I was pissed!
Gotta get me a new set of wheels,
So I’d better go look for some deals.
But if I pay those prices
It’ll mean a cash crisis,
And I may have to miss a few meals.
“Yeah, her panties are all in a twist,
Though I’d hoped that she wouldn’t be pissed.
I think that martini
Went straight to his weenie
… I found it too HARD to resist …!!!”
Yup she’s thirty, but still has some spunk,
Though she looks like an old piece of junk.
Still, she runs like a dream
(Did you hear a scream?!)
….I ought not to drive when I’m drunk!
Yikes….please omit the second “I” in line 5. Thank you! :)
From MBK: Fixed.
In our street lived an existentialist
She always had gin with a twist
My father once said
Are you really not mad?
That’s when he encountered her fist
“A Martini”, he drunkenly hissed.
“With ice and with lemon, a twist …
Oh, you moron!” he slurred,
I said shaken, not shtirred!”
Bond shot at the barman, but missed.
Rhyming slang involves giving a twist
To the sense of a phrase. “Brahms and Liszt”
Doesn’t mean what you think;
After too much to drink,
It’s the Cockney for “thoroughly pissed”.
I never can cease and desist
From giving old saws a new twist.
To tradition I say
(And it’s true every day),
A bird flipped is worth two in the fist.
She was top of my “must be done” list;
She would gasp, she would wriggle and twist
When I did her. Alas!
She said “Sorry, I pass”,
So it’s back to my friend Mr Wrist.
Our doctor had a big Cadillac
and we wanted to give him the sack
His work was abominable
which was most dishonorable
But we couldn’t get rid of the quack
With his wealth, he can barely subsist,
And the Donald, like Oliver Twist,
Says “Please, Sir, I want more!”,
But he targets the poor
To supply him with all that he’s missed.
It was quite a clever plot twist
Was one that most readers had missed.
The butler lay dead
It was the rye bread.
Ergot toxin, not forbidden tryst.
With pleasure she would turn and twist,
She loved his touch, loved to be kissed.
With ecstasy, moaned,
Her body, he owned.
This man she could never resist.
Let’s twist again, lets twist –
Hillary hugs George, in case you missed
The cause is second to none
Except when the money’s gone
Kissinger is back for the money-realist
hawks
A nice vodka with tonic and twist
Was just one of the drinks on my list.
Then they gave me the news,
Gotta lay off the booze.
Now it’s one of the things that I’ve missed.
Here’s a ‘Combo One’ which combines ‘Twist’ with ‘Cars’:
As they drove to their hot torrid tryst,
Their turbulent trip took a twist.
She bad mouthed his Ford,
Which she clearly abhorred,
It’s the girl, not the car he dismissed.
In the back-seat, we did more than pet,
And it seemed we were covered in sweat …
We’d forgotten the brake,
Ended up in the lake –
Wasn’t sex that had made her so wet.
She gave the jar top a good twist
“Can’t open this damned thing!” she hissed.
It was tightly sealed.
It just would not yield.
The result was a pain in her wrist.
The real estate agent had hissed
“Another gin – tonic and twist..”
After three or four more,
They showed her the door;
And that’s when she started to list.
Said Watson, “I fear that we’ve missed
Something vital in how we exist.
Although DNA’s great,
Should it be quite so straight?”
Crick replied, “Well, it’s simple – let’s twist.”
“Buddy, please can you spare me a dime?”
Well, of course – being poor is no crime.
But I felt like a jerk
When he got in his Merc
Saying “Thanks, bud, and here’s to next time.”
Back when they were doing the Twist,
Those Caddy fins couldn’t be missed.
The chariots brought
What some romeos thought
A good-looking dame can’t resist.
Driving lessons
Her instructor said “Give it a twist,
Just a delicate flick of the wrist.”
Well, she did what he said,
Then she gave him great head,
So she’s now on the “Qualified” list.
They were dancing and doing the Twist
He had groped for her boobs but he missed
That spunky young hen
Fought back and that’s when
He came face to face with her fist.
If you drive in your car for a while,
You’ll pass one about every mile.
Twenty feet in the air,
Big Brother is there;
Just look at the camera and smile.
A horny young salesman named Rex
Was having some parking lot sex.
In the heat of it all,
He butt-dialed a call
That went to his soon-to-be ex.
We’re all marked on the aliens’ list
As screwed up in the head with a twist
They don’t want to land
‘Cause they can’t understand
How we folks on this earth co-exist.
They fly by to see what they’ve missed
Watch us getting killed or getting kissed
Our earthly detainment –
Their sole entertainment
Our drama they just can’t resist.
Their travel brochures would consist
Of important rules not to be missed –
“Abduct, then let go
To continue the show
So our fun there won’t cease or desist.”
To win on Mad’s limerick list,
Pen a verse that she cannot resist.
For a lim that’s sublime,
Keep tight rhythm and rhyme,
And of course you must end with a twist.
I ended that verse with “a twist,”
So declare–no in fact, I insist–
I must get an award
From the Limerick Board.
If I don’t, it’s a slap on the wrist.
Is my using “a twist” a real twist?
(I hope you are getting the gist.)
I am ever so clever!
I must win! However
By now I think Mad must be pissed.
A true story:
A road-raging jerk came along
Tailgating and carrying on.
To the right he did pass
And showing his class,
He flipped her off – then he was gone.
That moment of triumph was short.
Swerving back, his big truck did contort
With an unwieldy spin;
Thus placing it in
A crash shop when he went to court.
This story has plenty of merit;
For the lady was able to share it
On YouTube for free;
So we all get to see
How karma will win if you dare it.
We got to the car lot just fine
But drove right on by. “Wife of mine.
When I said, my dear,
Get Miata Here,
I was just reading their sign!”
(Wish I could italicize that…)
When I was a teen, they’d insist
That we all had to learn how to twist.
That sly Chubby Checker
induced each young pecker
To rise to the challenge. Few missed
The chance, though the girls did insist
That their limit was just to be kissed.
“It’s all right to lock lips,
But don’t swivel those hips.”
Alas, it was hard to resist.
So we learned what our parents had missed
In those books we should read. They’d insist,
Though they acted the prude
About what to do nude,
They were secretly glad for The Twist.
I suppose if you insist,
I’ll give the truth a little twist.
But throw in some cash,
And the facts I’ll stash
And from all truthfulness desist.
Obamacare’s not Communist
It’s socialism with a twist.
Med prices may double
But hey, that’s no trouble.
Just quit working and simply enlist.
This damned cap won’t come off with a twist,
And I’m getting increasingly pissed.
So all I gotta say
Is get out of my way,
Or your face will collide with my fist!
Now Lenin was a pure Communist.
Private enterprise ceased to exist.
But hunger hit hard
No potatoes, no lard!
With NEP peasants danced the new twist.
He said, “I was born Communist!”
These red diaper babies insist.
“But my daddy’s so rich,
I can hardly choose which
Resume with fake jobs I can twist.”
O. Henry just couldn’t resist
Martinis. When drinking, the gist
Of his order would be
As expected. You see,
He liked things the best with a twist.
Charles Dickens could never resist
A martini; the yearn would persist.
So the bartender spoke
Seven words as a joke:
“Hey there Charlie, want Olive or Twist?”
No nation can stay Communist.
Its survival–that’s part capitalist.
Now Cuba’s the place.
In their hole is an ace.
Pepsi-cola in rum gives a twist!
I try to conserve gasoline,
And want to become much more green.
My Prius is nifty;
Its gas use is thrifty.
I say that it’s quite gas-o-lean.
An electric car auto amass
Miles per gallon that surely surpass
A conventional car,
So electric cars are
Said to be ones that really kick gas.
When you’re driving, you auto not peel
Out real fast; torques folks off a good deal.
It is fuelish, you see;
Builds bad car-ma. Don’t be
Biggest nut that’s behind steering wheel.
When he’s driving, his wife dimly views
How he drives, so much car-ping ensues.
Back seat driver is she.
He’s as calm as can be.
“You’re my autoharp, Honey,” he coos.
The repair on my car was splendid;
Auto body shop was commended.
I did not have to fret.
Expectations were met.
The firm came highly wreck-o-mend-ed.
“The Flower Drum Song” hits the list
Of old musicals hard to resist.
as they sing “Chop Suey”,
Chinese say, “Now who he
Fights progress, he must hate the twist.”
The Golden Gate Bridge tends to list
Side to side, big storms not to resist.
Better go with the flow
Of sea winds that do blow.
Steel cables must be built with a twist.
The doctor said, “Might be a cyst.
We’ll keep testing if you insist.
But chances seem low
That it’s your time to go.
Hope that devil doesn’t take up the twist!”
Chitty bang bang went my car.
Such black smoke! I can’t go very far!
What a terrible hacking
When up I was backing.
If It’s not nicotine, it’s the tar.
There was an old captain called Twist
whose ship had a heavy left list
a storm broke the mast
so a free vote was cast
and everyone sat to play Whist.
try to guess where I’m taking this gist
turn left for a clue to its list
Karl Marks would proclaim
don’t mention my name
when you plunge down a whirlpool twist.
(Memories of good old sailoring days)
You’ll hear Dickens’ work hawked in your midst.
As you order your drink, they’ll insist
You consider one book.
At least take a look.
Why are bars pushing “Oliver Twist?
Crappy Meatloaf (a twisted car entry):
Jack and Jen parked their Dodge for a tryst,
But had craps on their car bucket list.
Barely dressed, first rolled Jen
(Doubly blessed) a hard ten.
‘Twas a dashboard light pair-o’-dice twist.
“A hard ten – a woman’s best friend” is a double entendre for a pair of fives in craps. The rest of this nonsense can be sorted out if you know Meatloaf lyrics.
Once again my car’s at the garage.
To heck with this heap of garbage!
Hit the road if you like.
Better: Just take a hike.
Forget the repair bill barrage.
The “Freedom” of driving’s a mirage
We’ve been sold a big mess of pottage.
When traffic won’t move
It simply does prove
That a car is a prison-in-carriage.
We are on wheels a nation
We don’t like perambulation
Unless we’ve got a car.
That puts us on a par
With Chinese schlepped above their station.
Pled Cecil, “Please cease and desist
Your insipid debasement of Liszt!
You play like it’s Brahms
Or drab Anglican psalms
Then you add a Wagnerian twist!”
I once used my car as an Uber.
Can the Force ever fix this poor tuber?
When passengers here
Put their asses in gear,
I forgot to remind them, “First, lube her!”
In my car I once found a dead mouse
Many more lived back then in our house
The poor thing must have died
He’d joined me for a ride
With my maid who shunned even a louse.
The skies have been cloudy with mist
And my skin isn’t warmly sun-kissed.
But a liberal dose
Of some sin over cos
Yields a tan with an angular twist.
Couldn’t mambo or foxtrot or twist,
And I wanted to see what I’d missed.
But the great Arthur Murray
Fixed me up in a hurry,
So from now on, I’ll never be dissed.
He indulged in a tryst with his fist
After chopping some onions. A twist
Of his hand caused him strife —
For he still held the knife,
And wound up unexpectedly bris-ed.
Felix Mendelssohn couldn’t resist
The new composition by Liszt.
As it came to an end,
Liszt inquired of his friend,
“Do you like it? I call it ‘The Twist’!”
In six days, from primordial mist,
God created Creation. The twist?
On the Eighth Day, He woke
From His rest with a choke,
And discovered He didn’t exist.
HAVE YOU SEEN ‘THE VILLAGE’?
Alfred Hitchcock delivered a twist
With techniques much too subtle to list.
But M. Night Shyamalan
(God-frickin’-DAMNalan)
Ought to be told to desist.
(I think I stole this pun from Brian, so… OOC)
“LOOK, MA! I’M A UNICORN!”
Poor William. His wrist gave a twist
As he aimed at the apple — and missed.
Cried his wife, “What the hell
Have you done, William? Tell!”
William Told. And oh boy, was she pissed.
Tee. Double you. Eye. Ess. Tee. TWIST!
An acronym chefs can’t resist.
They’ve always embraced
“The Way It Should Taste”
So succulent servings aren’t missed.
The visitors hailing from Mars,
Had come here to check out some cars.
At a big NASCAR race
They noted from space:
“Their traffic is faster than ours…”
One car that will never be missed
Was a Ford, though it came with a twist.
If ever a brand
Had deserved to be canned,
The Edsel was topping the list.
Inspired by Will T. Laughlin, here’s an old pun dressed up in a new limerick:
William Tell and his brothers amidst
Balls and pins found a way to subsist.
For whom the Tells bowled
Was an answer untold
But cash kegling was quite a new twist.
Though catchy and fun, “Shout and Twist”
Never made any chart topping list.
If the writers had merely
Flipped verbiage then, clearly,
‘Twould be very hard to resist.
Back in the day I did a mean twist
I was such a good dancer, I couldn’t be missed
Now I can’t walk
But I shouldn’t balk
I’m proud to say, I still exist
My 2000 Honda is really shipshape
It’s a lovely color: concord grape
It’s quite unique
And unusually chic
It’s held together with silver duct tape
MAD : PLEASE CHANG LAST LINE TO
IT’S HELD TOGETHER WITH SILVE DUCT TAPE, INSTEAD OF “AND”
From MBK: Done.
There’s seems to be an unusual twist
In a comment made he could not resist
If you have an abortion
It will be your misfortune
To be on the famous renowned blacklist
At the speedway they sold me a ride
In a race car. “It’s easy!” they lied.
My top speed was about
One-oh-six. I got out
Just as soon as my trousers had dried.
Reading a “race car” palindrome shared by Mark Kane in a Facebook post inspired this:
Spelled backwards, “race car” is “race car.”
If you thought that completely bizarre,
Ponder “lepers repel.”
“Stack cats” serves very well
But “Bombard a drab mob?” Best by far!
Thanks for yet another fun limerick prompt.
My poem fits your prompt, as well as a list of other ones from various sites, plus the A to Z Blog Challenge of April and NaPoWriMo (National Poetry Writing Month).
Exit strategy: A-Z verses from vintage visages
“It’s simple, just grasp it and twist.”
He encouraged; She didn’t resist.
Quite slowly at first
And then with a burst;
That Tesla’s now tops on her list.
High blood pressure pills have me pissed.
The doc said, “Take ’em or risk
Stroke or heart attack,
like death on the rack,
Worse than taffy pulled with a twist!”
The Chinese invented the rickshaw
But then had big lawsuits with cart law–
Too many injured from jars.
Better off now with cars:
They crash to the death and say, “Aah!”
They’ve restricted the parking at Muir Woods.
Have the Park Rangers flipped all their hoods?
We’ll drive cars if we please
If it’s off to see trees!
NPS loves to hog nature’s goods.
he told her “I really insist
we give our love-making a twist”
he’s now with the doc
reattaching his c*ck
while she’s at the proctologist
To driving school came a hot lass
Who kept all her brains in her ass.
When she fooled with the dash
We all heard the rear crash.
Now she’s brain-dead – still tops in her class.
Gavin Newsom, our mayor, so green!
Drove his SUV hybrid, so clean,
To the Opera. Why walk
Round that block? He’s all talk.
Anti-car hypocrites love their spleen.
In Montana was Bride Number Two
That Mayoral Hybrid would do
To drive up there and back
With new wife in the sack.
Ask him, “Does coal burn black or blue?”
Now he’s already made his fourth child
To point out he’s a liar is mild.
When it comes to his car
The carbon output’s way far
Than the diaper shit they have all piled.
His new car was squatty, but smart
He called it his little ‘smart tart’
He sure was dismayed
When a shopping cart strayed,
And totaled that cute little fart
Dad learned about girls on the double
And drove cars before he had stubble
With my first fast coupe,
He said, “Son, here’s the scoop,
If it has tits or tires, it’s trouble.”
“It’s time for an S&M twist,”
Snickered Mistress de Bauch as her fist
Burrowed deep in his rectum.
She didn’t expect him
To scream, “Where’s my proctologist?”
Those campers who hog the left lane
All manage to drive me insane.
It sure would be fun
To pull over each one
And cite their malfunctioning brain.
Said the priest to the nun, “I adore
All your body, above all that door
To your engine: your Volvo;
let’s make your motor go”
“I’m no car, that’s my vulva, you boar!”
Max knows that his girlfriend, Miss Mazie,
Puts out in posh cars if he pays. He
Will madly connive
At the dealer’s to drive
A hard bargain, a Jag, and her crazy.
Cars race up steep hills in Frisco,
But it’s rare that they’ll take the risk-0
Of barreling down
Into bad parts of town.
They’ll hit druggies out doing their disco.
Madeleine – change “Makes out” to “Puts out” in my last lim and I’ll be a happy camper.
From MBK: Done. :)
Cars in Frisco tend to run small
Yet still there’s no space left at all
For bikes or for scooters
Or skateboards with hooters.
Only yoga mats park by the wall.
Mel Brooks, cursed with vertigo, sadly,
Drove down Frisco’s Lombard Street badly.
His car went so slow
For he just didn’t know
If ass-backwards he’d have less anxiety.
The proper life goal is to seize
Every ass, tit or cock you can squeeze.
But if the car’s moving
It might be behooving
You both to be doing it hands-frees!
Now Goodwill has Norwegian sweaters,
hula hoops, holey socks and old letters.
Even cars are for sale.
And By each hangs a tale
Of past years when once owned by your betters.
When Kissinger opened up China
Like a goldmine, true Forty-ninah
Millions switched from old bikes
To new cars and car mikes.
Hear them sing karaoke, long linah!
I’ve heard women’s judgment is quick
From your car to the size of your dick.
So goodbye, SUV:
It’s a Mini for me!
Now to find me a girl who drives stick…
(Following on from my “sibling” limerick from a few weeks ago)
JACK FROM BICESTER: THE SEQUEL
A Twister can certainly twist.
But this Blister’s not leaving me “blist”.
Though a Mother can’t “moth”
And a Brother won’t “broth”,
It’s my Sister who gave me this cyst.
My wife and I couldn’t resist
An old drive-in. That passion we missed!
But what once was quite agile
Has now become fragile:
No more can my back flex or twist.
Some guy had a slick Lamborghini
Compensating for his teeny weenie
But why pick up chicks
Who prefer bigger dicks?
What this boy really needs is a genie.
They drove under a sky that was starry
Through the African lion safari
But that was their last ride.
Seen by one lion pride —
Their convertible roofless Ferrari.
A Jaguar parked close to the beach
Just bikini bait all within reach
A tsunami broke free
Swept the Jag out to sea
You can hear the small swimsuits still screech.
A dude with a mobster-like voice
Cruised around in his pricey Rolls Royce
Scared the girls all away
With his gun on display
Rosie Palm’s now his ultimate choice.
(Rosie Palm and her [ahem!] five sisters, if you know what I mean)
A beat-up VW van
Driven by a plain, mild-mannered man
Helped some poor, stranded ladies
And fixed their Mercedes
They kiss him whenever they can.
If a girl doesn’t want to be kissed,
Take the hint, and don’t try to insist.
But if you disagree,
Don’t come crying to me
When the girl gives your scrotum a twist.
In his pants the geologist pissed
As he felt the cave buckle and twist.
When it fell on his head,
The geologist said,
“Well, I guess I’m in really deep schist.”
In Lapland I was driving a car
After spending all night in a bar.
A reindeer leapt out–
A loose lumbering lout.
Finnish cops now paint MY ass with tar!
It’s Autobahn driving for me!
Where car drivers can finally free
Our inner mad demon
And become real he-men.
So what if death ends the quick spree?
Pedestrians love their old fights
Even when we installed traffic lights.
Now they walk against red
And they still wind up dead.
Now it’s cars which insist on their rights.
“1962”
First we did the “Disco Twist”
To my surprise I then was kissed
It was my very first one
He called me “Hon”
I never knew what I had missed
The Chinese driving school of Fook Yu
Teaches traffic law and car driving, too.
The only thing lacking
Is driving while hacking
On websites if insurance’s past due.
Ignore your Dad’s words and you’ll fail
Like me, buying old cars on sale.
The brakes and the wheels
Were faulty; those deals
Show you COULD go out, cheap, on the trail.
When you first learn to drive a car
You are afraid to go very far
But then you get cheeky
You start acting freaky
And think you’re the world’s speedy superstar
The one place that I hate is downtown,
Where car drivers zoom like a clown.
A quick sudden left turn
Puts me in a slow burn–
I drive chooming to help me calm down.
A man told a story with a surprising twist
Another comment he could not resist
A snake was hurting
It was disconcerting
So make sure, my friends, you don’t get hissed
My car hates to shift from gear five
So I stick to the freeway to drive.
But to exit I must
Use this gearbox, I trust,
That will grind if I come out alive.
A friend simply can’t let a friend
Drive a Fiat 500. Pretend
It’s a car if you must,
But believe me: it’s just
A roller-skate/Tupperware blend.
When the time comes for parking it, though,
It has an advantage to show:
Wherever you are,
You can just pop the car
In its own glove compartment, and go.
A call girl was doing the twist
And leaned forward to have her butt kissed
But the sly dog below
Said “My girl you don’t go
You’re not even on the short list”
Young Tom had a nice licorice twist
And he hid it where nobody wist
But a small cheeky mouse
Got into his house
And he ate it. Boy Tommy was pissed.
This tale has another strange twist
Mr. Mouse found more treats Tommy missed
He can’t help but savour
That licorice flavor
Of condoms; he just can’t resist!
A jovial fellow named Farr
Has a habit of closing the bar.
He’ll joke ’till the end
With a very new friend
Who should ask for the keys to his car.
They thought their new auto was nice,
With its voice-activated device.
When they took a big trip,
The machine made a slip;
It called them both idiots twice.
We poets, too few, did exist
Almost got Mad’s site shut down, dismissed
You don’t know what you’ve got
Till it’s gone, you dumb lot
Now there’s so many more who enlist.
It’s biweekly now, that should subsist
To help make normal numbers persist
But this week has one twenty
That’s way more than plenty
This plot – it just got a new twist.
Soon two hundred will make up Mad’s list
She’ll need someone to help and assist
Chance of winning looks bleak
By the end of next week
Well, some good ones might have to be dissed.
Each poet wants victory kissed
And called a great limericist
A nice balance seems distant
At least be consistent
Or the overworked judge will be pissed!
In the back seat, he unzipped her zipper
On his way down, he’d kiss ‘er and nip ‘er
And under the hatch
She sighed, “Like my snatch?”
“Baby,” he said, “It’s a kipper
……I mean keeper! Really, a keeper!….
It was just a slip of the tongue, honest!”
IRS put me on their hit list
With fines slapped not just on the wrist.
I groaned and I moaned
I felt whipped, ripped and stoned.
Bloodsuckers got my guts in a twist.
The next thing I knew I was flat
On my back at the shrink’s for a chat.
He asked, “did they reem you?
Did they wax you and steam you?”
“Now it’s you I can’t pay and that’s that!”😝
90 YEARS YOUNG
I have finally completed my bucket list
Which includes some things that I have missed:
Fly a plane
Try cocaine
And of course learn the twist
I’m deeply involved in a tryst
With this man I cannot exist
We meet at a motel
He casts a spell
Then we go home; that’s the twist
At Dairy Land you can get a “twist”
It’s vanilla and chocolate: can’t be missed
Don’t drop you cone
Or talk on your phone
If you do, they really get pissed
In their hippy days, most would agree,
The lifestyles were simple and free.
But now at the mall
In the very next stall,
They’re parking some huge SUV.
Kim Kardashian West can’t be missed
Since she cunningly cannot resist
Setting Twitter ablaze.
Snubbing social mores,
She tweets tripe with a T&A twist.
Her strategy’s deft. Here’s the gist:
She knows sinuous heft will enlist
Men to guiltily stare
At her ass (vast and bare)
As their scruples, bereft of soul, twist.
Here’s a final and personal twist:
My Kardashy fixations persist.
In spite of a push
To stop craving her tush,
I’m a Kim-lusting recidivist!
In Ashland, I drive down a street;
Earth Jen’s on her bicycle seat.
Not much of a prude,
She rides the bike nude;
Her boobies are keeping a beat.
She seems to be just having fun;
Perhaps to surprise everyone.
The traffic slows down
With nary a frown;
Her moment to shine in the sun.
Madeleine, could you add these two lims to my previous entry?
Her strategy’s deft. Here’s the gist:
She knows sinuous heft will enlist
Men to guiltily stare
At her ass (vast and bare)
As their scruples, bereft of soul, twist.
Here’s a final and personal twist:
My Kardashy fixations persist.
In spite of a push
To stop craving her tush,
I’m a Kim-lusting recidivist!
From MBK: Done.
TRUMP’S BUMP:
He told a story with a surprising twist
Another tale he could not resist
A snake was hurting
It was disconcerting
So make sure, my friends, you don’t get hissed
Madeleine: Unfortunately, you appended it to Dave’s, not my, limerical tale.
MBK: Fixed. Sorry about that!
I’d like to pay homage to Dave Johnson’s perky biker above with this little ditty:
A modern-day Lady Godiva,
Jen knows her nude biking will drive a
Commuter to drool
And produce a deep pool
Of erotica-triggered saliva.
Obama’s our health optimist.
He jogs airplane steps anarchist
Ically ramrod straight
He does not take the bait
To fake a “peace” Nixon wave or the twist.
Now Let us all praise Communists.
Without them we’d be on black lists.
–can’t sell a film or book
And our jobs on the hook.
We’d have lives like Oliver Twist’s.
So alas we would have to enlist
In that army: Slaves of capitalist
Enterprise we would be,
Paid a weekly salary.
Beats the gulag or the Russian rope’s twist!
Well, here’s a peculiar twist:
My dad, growing old, reminisced
And grew wistful with age.
But I find, at this stage,
I am thoroughly empty of wist.
(NB: not autobiographical.)
The physics course took on a twist
When the lecturer chose to insist,
“Length’s unit of measure,
A meter, gives pleasure
Unless you’re a foot fetishist.”
Thanks Randy for your funny addition to my Earth Jen post. It’s a true story that actually happened a few years ago. She made quite an impression around town while she was there.
My friend thinks he might be psychotic,
Or a perve, or wildly neurotic
He grows a big chub
When he drives his V-Dub
I told him he’s ‘autoerotic’.
At a party, they’re doing the Twist;
And the Limbo they cannot resist.
Then sometime tomorrow,
They’ll discover in sorrow
Ibuprofen is not in their midst.
He was driving while sending a text;
Multi-tasking, the way he connects.
His focus on keys
Veered the car toward the trees;
Channel 10 told us what happened next.
SPEED DATING
When I met the next miss on my list,
the result was a tryst with a twist:
she surely was thrilling
and I thought she was willing
but her fist turned my kiss into grist.
He wanted a new Rivera;
But could only afford a Polara.
A cartoonist by trade,
His achievement was made
While drawing for Hanna-Barbara.
Sir Lawrence just had to insist
He play Fagin and make him exist
As never before.
So to give the role more,
He gave it an Olivier twist.
Colonel Flagg was constantly pissed
And he gave the M*A*S*H story a twist
It may be that he sinned,
And that he wasn’t the wind,
But, if not, there’s no doubt he’ll be mist.
Episode Reference: “The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan”
Coffee shops are not tops on my list
They’re a place I have always dismissed
So you can’t seduce me
With a coffee or tea
But my weakness – a cinnamon twist!
In the stores they don’t seem to exist
(Is there some other place that I’ve missed?)
When I bake some, no doubt
The damn things don’t turn out
So I just lay about, feeling pissed!
My wish isn’t love/to be kissed
Or money bags hung from my wrist
The magical powers
Ain’t diamonds or flowers
I’m yours for a – cinnamon twist!
HUSBANDS DOING LAUNDRY
The instructions said, “wring and twist”
I tried so hard, I hurt my wrist
She still had it on
It was silk chiffon“
No longer WILL we co-exist”
TRUE STORY:
I once had an Opel GT
The one made in ’73
The color – sky blue
And her nickname rang true –
‘The Poor Man’s Corvette’ – fine with me!
This baby helped me get my license
Which I paid for by earning my own cents
Growing up (not too fast)
While these life skills would last
As I also paid gas and insurance.
The RPM needle was revvin’
The speed, the smooth ride was just heaven
This one model was rare
So the townsfolk would stare
When I stopped at the 7-Eleven.
I learned maintenance, used the odd tool
Although people would think that was cool
Getting all this attention
Was not my intention
Just drove me the five miles to school.
Just 4 cylinders, man she could fly!
In a green blur, the trees all whizzed by
The car, which I’d swerve
Hugged the road at each curve
Oh she had enough nerve not to die!
The potential for high speed – a curse
I thought I’d end up in a hearse
When once chased by a cop
I outran (didn’t stop)
‘Cause the wrath of my Pop would be worse!
She drove where I needed to go
To school, church, or some burlesque show
It would be so sublime
To be pulled back in time
Just to once again climb in and GO!
MAD:
Please change above last line from No longer can we co-exist to “No longer WILL we co-exist”
Thank You
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the CAR-Themed Limerick Winner and to the Honorable Mention winners.
Limerick-Off Award 250.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Seal.