Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TACT or INTACT or TACKED or ATTACKED at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using TACT or INTACT or TACKED or ATTACKED at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write a themed limerick related to WINTER, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best winter-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on Feb. 21, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, Feb. 20 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
An editor lacking in tact
Said “This reads more like fiction, than fact.
It will never appear
On our pages, my dear;
We’d be sued and then have to retract.”Said the writer, “My story is true,
And I used to have proof — quite a slew.
But my sources took flight
In the dead of the night
And my document files were hacked too.”She continued, “I just need more time.
To obtain extra dirt on that slime.
Please be patient with me.
I can do it, you’ll see.
I’ll get proof of our publisher’s crime.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick(s) using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
It’s a true inescapable fact
That this snow can be easily packed
And then rolled into balls
Shortly after it falls
So watch out or you may be attacked!
The guy was not noted for tact.
“Wow, baby,” he told her, “You’re stacked!”
Wanna sample my dick?
It’s a meal on a stick.”
He never knew why he got smacked.
She was pregnant, she knew for a fact,
But insisted that she was ‘intact’.
Though her story was lame –
“’Twas an angel that came” –
A religion was born from the act.
The Winter’s Tale
The snow and the ice had attacked
Their ill-advised sexual act
Outdoors in December;
His deep-frozen member
Was found in her digestive tract.
Oh, I hope that the summer comes soon!
I could do with a cosy cocoon;
The weather is freezing,
I’m shivering, sneezing –
In England, it’s winter in June.
In wintertime I reflect
As I remember
A single rose
I came upon
One dark day in December
Don’t care if the wind’s gonna blow;
Don’t care if the snow’s gonna snow.
But don’t think me callous;
I’m living in Dallas,
Where it never goes 20 below!
The elections: reporting each fact
While those quoted scream they’re attacked
Who really is lying?
Whose campaign’s truly dying?
And is the whole thing really stacked?
“I only told truth – it’s a fact!”
“Come on, wouldn’t you? She’s stacked!”
Geomeshi defends
Without offering amends
This slimeball deserves to be whacked.
To avoid winter cold and its strife,
I moved south to a warm, sunny life.
But I still must beware
Of the chill in the air
From the cold, icy stare of my wife.
A weatherman gave his descriptions
Of winter, and made his predictions.
Correction fluid spilled;
The weather map it filled.
He forecast some white-out conditions.
“Just last week,” said my buddy, Otis,
“At a nudist camp called The Lotus,
A sign by a printer
Pertained to the winter,
Said: We’re clothed until further notice.”
Seismologists skillfully tracked
A seven point nine, and attacked
The oil guys for making
That quaking and shaking.
The earth cracked; the fact was, they fracked.
He reported with truth and with tact,
And he didn’t know why he’d been sacked
From Fox News. “We need guys”,
Said his boss, “Who tell lies –
There’s no place in our programme for fact.”
They discovered a strange artifact
On a mastodon, frozen intact.
With a face like a pig
And a bright orange wig,
Donald’s ancestral line had been tracked.
She was pretty, but, God! How she yakked!
It was useless to tell her with tact,
But he found, with elation,
The answer: fellation –
She had to shut up when she snacked.
When Vlad the Impaler attacked,
His enemies found themselves stacked
On his skewers, then fried,
But Vlad often sighed
For the barbecue sauce that he lacked.
I’m quite tired of getting attacked
I’m for Sanders- and I feel bushwhacked
“She DESERVES to win,”
They scream time and again
My gal pals sure overreact
I admire a lot that she’s done
And I know it’s the last time she’ll run
Though she’s quite the contender
I’m not swayed by gender
For me Sanders hits a home run
She’s backed by Wall Street and PACS
There, I’ve said it, right here, typed in black
Just know I’ll not choose
Rubio, Trump or Cruz
Or any on GOP’s track
The ticket that I’d love to see
Is a Sanders-Warren marquee
But post -South Carolina
Might be my vagina
That votes- if she’s the nominee
The sales had begun. It was packed.
Shop-girls trembled. The store was ransacked
As an army of shoppers,
From young teeny-boppers
To grannies, all counter-attacked.
DEMOCRATS IN STRESS
She always knows every fact
Until she gets somewhat attacked
Then she gets pushy
Just watch her tushy
It tends to expand and contract
In wintertime I reflect
A lovely event that I remember
It was snowing and
The wind was blowing
But I found a rose in December
MISSED ONE WORD: “THEN”
She seems to know every fact
Until she gets somewhat attacked
Then she gets pushy
Just watch her tushy
It tends to expand and THEN contract
EDITED- resubmitted
The hungry mosquitoes attacked!
We know now just what will attract-
If you’re blood type O
A park outing? Don’t go!
Though they’ll bite others, too, that’s a fact.
Sidewalks covered with ice and with snow
And a wind chill of twenty below
It was too much for me
I decided to flee
Would I ever go back there? Hell no!
Revised version…
He yearned for some sex to distract
She wanted a kinky sex act
He thought he was game
She was a tough dame
He escaped with his man-parts intact!
THE NYMPHOMANIAC IN WINTER
The snow-scape is tranquil and bright…
Inside, though, I’m having to fight
Not to giggle and snort
When the weather report
Says, “We got seven inches last night!”
And likewise, I cannot be proud
Of the fact that I chuckle aloud
When I hear that the guy
In the truck passing by
Is shouting: “Hey — wanna get plowed?”
My answer? You already know it —
And I’m just the woman to crow it:
Pretending to ponder
My snow-blower yonder,
I ask him, “Why don’t I just… blow it?!”
Horny woman has got an interest
After winter to try a Spring tryst.
Oral sex with wordplay
Is her fav’rite foreplay;
Gets turned on by some punning linguist.
In the winter when driving in snow
That’s been slush and refrozen, go slow.
When his son questioned why,
Father said with a sigh:
“Reason’s simple: because ice said so.”
Re Brian’s Limerick:
“Oh, I hope that the summer comes soon!
I could do with a cosy cocoon;
The weather is freezing,
I’m shivering, sneezing –
In England, it’s winter in June.”
Brian I this is great
I think you can sharpen it by:
Oh, I hope that the summer comes soon!
I’m sick of this british monsoon!
It’s been 5 years since my attack
By a wild Himalayan long-haired yak
I’m very upset
And still can’t forget
That he never never called me back
RHYMES WITH ‘EZRA’
With you I’ll be making a pact,
Edward Lear: For too long I’ve attacked
Your magnificent rhymes
For the Worst of All Crimes:
That your first and last lines were exact.
Said Trump, “I will win. It’s a fact.
Those clowns? They’re my opening act.
These morons — these twits
Lack my charm, and my wits,
And my classiest attribute: TACT.”
Will:
THE SATYR IN WINTER
There aren’t many nymphs when it’s snowing;
They’re home by a fireside that’s glowing.
So I prick up my ears
When this nympho appears
Saying “Honey, I’m ready for blowing.”
Well, I’m just the fellow to sate her –
I’ll try not to asphyxiate her!
My priapic prize
Is roughly the size
Of a large and well-fed alligator.
As a satyr, I’m built like a horse,
And I come with incredible force.
But she swallows the lot,
Saying “That’s all you’ve got?
It’s a starter – now, where’s the main course?”
The winter is here in a city I’ve chosen
And Wrigley Field is experiencing erosion
On the Magnificent Mile
You see everyone smile
That’s because their faces are frozen
Mama said “Please have some tact
When you’re watching The Sopranos, don’t overreact”
Tact aside
I almost cried
When poor Vito Spatafore was violently whacked
In the winter, I went on a trip
With psychiatrists skiing. I’d quip
At the end of each day.
To my wife, I would say
That I saw many Freudians slip.
Some people will say that I’m ‘sad’
Winter blues I get really bad
Birds get to migrate
I just hibernate
Cocooned in my warm cosy pad
In Chicago we wear heavy lined clothes
We know how harshly the “Lake” wind blows
It’s essential to keep warm
And we weather the storm
But we can’t get the icicles out of our nose
He just couldn’t ignore the fact
Though she’d said that she was intact
He’d gone in smooth as ice
She came not once but twice
Her innocence all one big act
Seems familiar, this neocon-backed
Insistence Iran be attacked.
Sometimes, if I rack
My poor brains, things come back…
So I racked, and I RACKed, and IRAQed.
Good Lord, how that critic attacked
The X-rated “Hamlet”. In fact,
He said that the Bard
Had been “boned, long and hard”,
And his headline read: “FUSSED UP THE ACT”.
(FEATHER) PILLOW TALK
Said I, “I’ve been told that I lacked
Common decency, morals and tact
For some verses I struck
When the rhyme-word was ‘duck’…
What do you think, my darling?”
………………… She quacked.
… but it’s worse when the rhyme-word is “stunt”.
Though I’ve really no wish to affront
Any delicate ear,
I will shock them, I fear,
When I sign myself “Kevin Leigh Hunt”.
The Republicans chose to react
To the climate change “hoax.” They attacked,
Ev’ry clown, crank and loon.
If they don’t wise up soon,
We will *all* end up totally fracked.
He’s not fine, yet he seems to attract
Lots of gals. Is it manners, or tact?
Neither one. He gets flirty,
Then starts talking dirty.
To quote: “Let me lick your [redact].”
Next week it’s the Spring Equinox,
We’ll soon see the changing of clocks
This cold Easter bunny
Fails to find it funny
Still clad in hat, scarf and wooly socks
(This is an oldie, written a couple of years ago, nearing the
end of a particularly, seemingly long cold British Winter).
Doctor Spooner complained of the fact:
“I was vilified, mocked and attacked
For my lips of the stung,
For my treadful old dung –
All the skills that my lung sadly tacked.”
Doctor Faustus, to get what he lacked,
Had made with the Devil a pact
For his soul. Boy, oh boy!
He got Helen of Troy,
And he . . . that’s all I’ll say, out of tact.
When I meet a man I react
With celibate and pristine tact
Mama taught me how to pray
And never go astray
So all of my parts are intact
Mad: Please take out the word STILL
It should read “so all my parts are intact”
thank you (above limerick)
MBK: Done.
Milady de Winter’s worst fears
Come to pass, and the axeman now shears
Her duplicitous head.
They are glad that she’s dead,
Although Athos sheds three musky tears.
A woman was lacking in tact
But her figure was very well stacked
So she looked rather classy
Though some would say brassy
When she told them to go and get fracked,
Like · Reply · 3 mins · Edited
It is not my métier, this tact.
I’m impulsive and foolishly act.
Seems whatever I think
I blurt out in a blink—
You’re an ass as a matter of fact.
Oops, I left in the L5 comma. At your convenience, Mad, would you remove it please?
MBK: Done.
My Internet date said I was “stacked”
And I politely counterattacked
I kicked him in his jewels
And proclaimed all my rules
The man apparently was lacking in tact
Mine is here:
To Marry Annette and Win It Yet
Thanks for the limerick prompt!
A timber town out in the hinters
Needs someplace to warm up its winters.
But a strip club has found
Where loggers abound,
Lap dancers have issues with splinters.
The earth is still somehow intact.
There’s still gravity, nothing has cracked.
But some of us here
Have just lost a friend dear,
And I had to acknowledge that fact.
RIP Johanna
From MBK: Thanks, Craig! That was a lovely tribute to our good friend and wonderful Limerick-Offer Johanna Richmond. She’ll be sorely missed!
With apologies to Sammy Cahn…
Oh, the weather outside was quite frightful;
Making out with you, though, was delightful.
You stoked up my fires,
Wouldn’t slake my desires,
Sent me home in the snow. That’s just spiteful.
Ted Cruz is a one-pony act
Who’s never been bothered by fact.
With elbows like bats
And continual spats,
His “dick” bona fides are intact.
He hauled out his childhood toboggan
When a snowstorm shut down Okanogan;
But, hitting a bump,
Flying into a stump
Left an image of Trump on his noggin.
Eleven degrees and I sit in my hovel
Hands and feet are warm, no trouble
looks fine from here inside
but it’s time my shoes were tied
I have to get out the door with my shovel.
At the restaurant I want a nice tea
Because it’s cold outside, you see?
But no matter the month
I observe with a grunt
The water they serve is so icy.
Gazing outside I rest my hands on the sill
To see the sun on the snow is a thrill
but my gloves and hat
sit where I left them at
It may be eleven degrees but that’s before the windchill.
It is without a doubt winter
I’ll just stay in and listen to Chris Smither
but in the corner is my shovel
so I put on my boots and grovel
to do my duty knowing what I’d rather
Oh my I got a splinter
my finger hurts and I’m bitter
I can’t use my hand
to play in the jam band
it’s going to be a long winter
when the wind blows cold it’s winter
I’m confined inside like a sinner
the streets outside are icy
travel could be dicey
so I’ll stay on the couch a winner
weather channel says the wind chill
has a license to kill
so frosty the snowman
will play while he can
but I must run inside for a hot chocolate refill
The “Windy City” has a magical power
A shock wave pops up and you see a flower
Then you meet Dorothy
And Toto as well
Then you open your eyes
And you’re at the Sears Tower
(You said any rhyme scheme, and this was the best I could do)
CORRECTION:
When I meet a man I always react
With a pristine approach; I don’t interact
Sister Theresa said, “Always pray
And never ever go astray”
So all my parts are still intact
Some folks clearly welcomed the fact
That SCOTUS quite suddenly lacked
Justice Nino Scalia.
They sneered, “Hope to see ya
In Lucifer’s realm.” (They’ve no tact.)
Three blind mice
Went walking on the ice.
As they slipped and slid,
Mr. Buzzard did
Have appetizers thrice.
THE RODENT IN WINTER
After slurping his mulligatawny
At the Indian Grill before dawn, he
Rushed up to the Knob
For his annual job.
(He’s the groundhog in cold Punxsutawney.)
A local sportscaster named Dell
Has an eye for the weather girl, Nell.
He says she is hot;
She thinks he is not.
The forecast: A cold say in Hell.
From the way that Fox News would react
You would think they are being attacked
But the truth, when laid bare
Is they hate playing fair
So their claim has no basis in fact.
The GOP slate is just packed
with candidates lacking in tact.
They’re a rude spewing crew,
But that’s all they can do,
Lash back, with their lies, when attacked.
From Phyllis S Smith:
I’ve never been noted for tact.
I don’t use my words to attract.
It’s just who I am
And I don’t give a damn
For the tact that it’s fact that I lacked.
From Phyllis Sterling Smith:
Think winter, think snow and think ice.
Robert Frost saw that ice would suffice.
My ten toes are freezing,
I cannot stop sneezing,
And I don’t think that winter is nice.
In winter my private parts freeze,
Which leads me to ask my wife, “Please,
Let’s ride out the storm,
And keep ourselves warm,
And get under the blankets and squeeze?”
It was clear when old Donald attacked,
He relied on more fiction than fact.
When he got return fire,
He yelled, “Liar, liar,”
And demanded his critics retract.
When the ninety-five theses were tacked,
Martin Luther had hoped they’d attract
More folks to his cause,
But it led some to pause
When the Catholic Church had him sacked.
CORRECTION!
The “Windy City” has magical power
It poppies you away to a deadly flower
You see Miss Dorothy and Toto too
Then you’re skyrocketed back to the famous Sears Tower
Correction (Facebook website)
Letty was afraid she’d been hacked
Her secrets spilled fiction or fact
Cried into the night
Nothing going right
Morning saw her diary intact
Last night I was totally wracked;
My senses no longer intact.
Then, awoke with a scream
From a terrible dream
With President Trump as a fact.
He told her “I think you’ll attract
A grateful response from the act.
So now, if you please,
Drop down to your knees…”
(He’s clever, but lacking in tact)
Cold weather and snow I despise,
Days after, a scary surprise…
To be precise,.
I fell on black ice.
Extra cautious; don’t want a reprise.
Poor Hillary’s feeling attacked
And annoyed that she can’t just redact
Each speech that she gave
For exclusive enclave
By Executive-Privileged act.
“My plenipotentiary tact
Should be leaving this rabble gobsmacked! –
Yet they niggle and nag –
But it’s all in the bag,
If I keep everything SuperPAC’d.”
“They’ll settle down once I distract
With more proxies! – and cherrypicked fact! –
For a populist voice
Giving voters a choice
Must be stopped ere they know what they’ve lacked!”
So media staff she has sacked
And retooled for a better impact
On millennial minds,
But her construct unwinds,
And it’s hard to keep clay feet intact.
For they’re held to the fire and wracked –
And it makes it /so/ hard to play-act
Without showing spite,
When one’s presupposed right
Is debunked and the decks come unstacked.
I am really surprised that you lacked
That formal and old-fashioned tact
And referred to his flatus
An abnormal hiatus
Because his intestines were packed.
We live in the Australian Sun
But much prefer the shade
Your US ice looks very nice
But in some lemonade
Winter Summer Spring and Fall
The world is a rotating ball
Don’t worry mate you’ll get it all
In 3 months time you’ll burn.
Revised version of my Winter limerick-
Cold weather and snow I despise
Days after, a scary surprise…
To be precise,.
I fell on black ice.
Extra caution, I now realize.
The lad shelving books clearly cracked
As the coed strode by to attract.
And so the librarian
Pleaded, “Please, now carry on.”
(It was not just the books that were stacked.)
I apologize for the slight rhyming violation.
An abundant reserve of tact
Overriding what others lack
Such unrivaled grace
Is always in place
Keeps peace from being sidetracked
Whenever it snows in Seattle,
Some residents are prone to rattle.
Those living on hills
Get most of the thrills;
Gravitational pull they must battle.
“Does this dress make me fat or attract?”
He replied with remarkable tact:
“No, but your lovely rump
Is just pleasantly plump”
Well, his head got a bump that was packed.
Together the lovers had shacked
And made with each other a pact
If they fought or were cheatin’
Gave either a beatin’
They’d lovingly do it with tact.
Soon after his words had attacked
It became much too late to retract
Why is he not reeling,
Appealing, or feeling
The wrath as the people react?
Icy roads are the number one reason
Why winter’s a terrible season
And other bad things
That this time of year brings
Are the sneezin’ and wheezin’ and freezin’.
Oh sure, it’s so pretty and white
But I’d trade back some heat for that sight
Oh, I did that already
Where warm climes are steady
On Vancouver Island, that’s right!
Through the winds of rejection she tacked;
He was dim, and liked gals who were stacked.
She could cook and was smart,
Knew the way to his heart:
Through his gastrointestinal tract.
We were traveling on the riverboat
When suddenly we were all afloat
The weather was freezing
And extremely displeasing
Even the snow man was wearing a coat
Jack Frost is a bastard, you know
He first makes things pretty with snow
But it comes with a hitch
And you’ll soon start to bitch
When you slide in a ditch; a cold blow!
Old Man Winter is also a jerk
He makes shovelling extra hard work
With a frostbitten nose
And ten layers of clothes
Ev’ry southerner knows you’re berserk!
The Snow Queen, a bitch who’s no better
You’d say so yourself if you met her
The cars are all stuck
And the heat’s gone, oh f–k!
Now ain’t that just my luck?! Where’s my sweater?
And where’s the Abominable Snowman?
I think he’s a myth, just a show, man!
But if you achieve
To so blindly believe
Then you’re bloody naïve and real slow, man!
For a treat I decided to go
To the vendor I shelled out the dough
Now I wish I had known
That my yellow snow cone
Had been made out of real yellow snow.
With wintery winds coldly blowing,
It’s constantly sleeting and snowing.
I struggle each day,
So I fervently pray
That this worldwide warming ain’t slowing.
Brian — one last installment:
THE PRUDISH OLD MAID IN WINTER
Of seasons, I like winter best,
For women go properly dressed.
The layers we wear
Thwart men’s lecherous stare…
So in winter, I’ve just one request:
(“Request”, did I say? No — DEMAND:)
That Valentine’s Day should be BANNED!
And that’s why I go
To protest in the snow,
With a very large sign in my hand.
It’s cold and it’s snowy, it’s true…
But really: what else can I do
But stake out my place,
And then chant, ’til my face
(Like my nose and my stockings) turns blue?
But as I go marching, I trip —
My clothing comes loose with a rip!
As I sit there in shame,
Laughs a bystander: “Blame
The ice that was under your slip!”
If a guy finds a girl who’s well-stacked
He’s a keeper if true this next fact:
Her virginity seems
To just dwell in his dreams
But he leaves it completely intact.
Mad, please forgive me for leaving out any key word
from my last limerick. Duh! The following is my effort
to atone for my behavior by adding a second verse.
The lad approached and got smacked.
It appeared there was something he lacked.
She said, “I am booked
Already, you looked
Like a lecher without any tact.”
An ice floe is nature’s cool raft
Climb aboard one and get photographed
If you stand there and straddle
Make sure you’ve a paddle
Or you might be dead more than daft.
If you live, you might still get a scare
Should you meet a big starved polar bear
The pictures I take
Will be shown at your wake
So it proves that I really do care.
Oops, left out one word! Aaargh!
On the bulletin board he had tacked
Photographs of his girlfriend well-stacked
Too late to withdraw it
When wifeypoo saw it
And that’s why his noggin is cracked.
Now is the winter of my
Discontent cuz, though high in the sky,
This damned Yorkian sun
Is a niggardly one.
I would much rather be in Brunei.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the WINTER-Themed Limerick Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick-Off Award 246.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Beat.