It’s “Leap Day,” a day that is rare,
Which strikes me as rather unfair;
Leap Days fall just in years
Deemed “bissextile.” No leers
Please at “sex” in that term. Don’t you dare!
Archive for February, 2016
Limerick Ode To Leap Day
Monday, February 29th, 2016Limerick Ode To Bowling
Thursday, February 25th, 2016A woman who never had bowled
Married into that sport-loving fold.
Forced to play — what a pickle!
But luck is so fickle;
Once beleaguered, she’s relishing gold.
(February 25 is Go Bowling Day, and the second Saturday in August is National Bowling Day.)
QUIET!!! (Limerick)
Thursday, February 25th, 2016It’s “Quiet Day.” Kindly don’t yell.
Noise is stressful. It’s time that we quell
All the racket and clamor.
Stop pounding that hammer.
Don’t expound with ALL CAPS WHEN YOU SPELL!
Today, February 25, is Quiet Day.
Brushing Up On Your Holidays
Wednesday, February 24th, 2016This holiday surely has bite.
People honor it night after night
And each morning, I hope;
At least those who use soap
Should adore “Nylon Toothbrush Day,” right?
Nylon Toothbrush Day is celebrated on February 24th because on February 24, 1938, the first nylon bristle toothbrush, manufactured by DuPont under the name “Dr. West’s Miracle Toothbrush,” went on sale.
Mark, To The Rescue (Limerick)
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2016While many admire the spider,
To be candid, I can not abide ’er.
When I spied ’er last night,
I eyed ’er with fright
And begged hubby to please outside guide ’er.
(March 14th is National Save A Spider Day.)
“Be Humble Day” Limerick
Monday, February 22nd, 2016I humbly apologize for almost forgetting to mention “Be Humble Day.” (February 22)
Dear pol, please don’t call yourself “humble.”
It’s an obvious falsehood and fumble.
Your ambition belies
Such humility cries,
And I hope your campaign takes a tumble.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BEAT or BEET at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
Sunday, February 21st, 2016It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using BEAT or BEET at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write a themed limerick related to EDUCATION, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best EDUCATION-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 6, 2016, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 5, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A gal who looked red as a beet,
Was beat from a race in the heat.
Her attempt at unseating
The leader was fleeting;
She tripped and fell down on her seat.
Please feel free to write your own limerick(s) using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (246)
Sunday, February 21st, 2016It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
She was pregnant, she knew for a fact,
But insisted that she was ‘intact.’
Though her story was lame –
“Well, this angel, like, came” –
A religion was born from her act.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the WINTER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
To avoid winter cold and its strife,
I moved south to a warm, sunny life.
But I still must beware
Of the chill in the air
From the cold, icy stare of my wife.
Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this poignant limerick, which he wrote in memory of our good friend and witty limerick writer Johanna Richmond:
The earth is still somehow intact.
There’s still gravity, nothing has cracked.
But some of us here
Have just lost a friend dear,
And I had to acknowledge that fact.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis LaVietes, Shannon Tucker, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TACT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WINTER LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
It’s a true inescapable fact
That this snow can be easily packed
And then rolled into balls
Shortly after it falls,
So watch out or you may be attacked!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TACT” RHYME DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
Said Trump, “I will win. It’s a fact.
Those clowns? They’re my opening act.
These morons — these twits
Lack my charm, and my wits,
And my classiest attribute: TACT.”
Phyllis LaVietes:
Seismologists skillfully tracked
A seven point nine, and attacked
The oil guys for making
That quaking and shaking.
The earth cracked; the fact was, they fracked.
Shannon Tucker:
Quite suddenly faced with the fact
That their vows were no longer intact,
She called her attorney
And then for a gurney:
They wheeled out his balls, which were sacked!
Fred Bortz:
Some folks clearly welcomed the fact
That SCOTUS quite suddenly lacked
Justice Nino Scalia.
They sneered, “Hope to see ya
In Lucifer’s realm.” (They’ve no tact.)
Robert Schechter:
It is hard to express this with tact:
There’s a fart that was recently cracked,
And I fear from its smell
That there’s something unwell
With your gastrointestinal tract.
Brian Allgar:
He reported with truth and with tact,
And he didn’t know why he’d been sacked
From Fox News. “We need guys,”
Said his boss, “Who tell lies –
There’s no place in our program for fact.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WINTER LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
A timber town out in the hinters
Needs someplace to warm up its winters.
But a strip club has found
Where loggers abound,
Lap dancers have issues with splinters.
Marty Gerendasy:
Sidewalks covered with ice and with snow
And a wind chill of twenty below
It was too much for me
I decided to flee
Would I ever go back there? Hell no!
Kirk Miller:
In the winter, I went on a trip
With psychiatrists skiing. I’d quip
At the end of each day.
To my wife, I would say
That I saw many Freudians slip.
David Reddekopp:
For a treat I decided to go.
To the vendor I shelled out the dough.
Now I wish I had known
That my yellow snow cone
Had been made out of real yellow snow.
Will T. Laughlin’s 3-verse THE NYMPHOMANIAC IN WINTER:
The snow-scape is tranquil and bright.
Inside, though, I’m having to fight
Not to giggle and snort
When the weather report
Says, “We got seven inches last night!”And likewise, I cannot be proud
Of the fact that I chuckle aloud
When I hear that the guy
In the truck passing by
Is shouting: “Hey — wanna get plowed?”My answer? You already know it –
And I’m just the woman to crow it:
Pretending to ponder
My snow-blower yonder,
I ask him, “Why don’t I just … blow it?!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick Ode To The Thumb
Thursday, February 18th, 2016Thumbs are handy for women and men;
So convenient when we have a yen
To shake hands, hitch a ride,
Grab and lift, move that slide.
I just wish I had fewer than TEN.
Happy Thumb Appreciation Day. (February 18)
Happy Innovation Day (Limerick)
Tuesday, February 16th, 2016Innovation does rate an ovation,
But from change I request a vacation.
So much newness unending
Is stressful, mind-bending.
For salvation I crave a cessation.
Happy National Innovation Day. (February 16).
A Not-So-Romantic Limerick For “Propose Day”
Monday, February 8th, 2016A fellow named Bill lost his will
To propose to a gal who was shrill;
While down on his knees
He’d started to sneeze,
And she said, “You are making me ill!”
Happy Propose Day! (February 8)
Dear Would-Be Ballerina (Limerick)
Sunday, February 7th, 2016Just in time for Ballet Day (Feb. 7):
Please forget the ballet! There’s no place
On the stage for a gal lacking grace.
All your leaps and pliés
Are debasing displays.
So shoo! You’re a huge waste of space!
Open Limerick to Super Bowl Fans
Sunday, February 7th, 2016If the game goes from boring to worse,
Don’t bother to sob or to curse.
Sublimation works well.
Be creative as hell:
Snap some photos, sketch, paint, or write verse.
PS: My latest Limerick-Off challenge has just begun. You can find it here.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TACT or INTACT or TACKED or ATTACKED at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
Sunday, February 7th, 2016It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using TACT or INTACT or TACKED or ATTACKED at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write a themed limerick related to WINTER, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best winter-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on Feb. 21, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, Feb. 20 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
An editor lacking in tact
Said “This reads more like fiction, than fact.
It will never appear
On our pages, my dear;
We’d be sued and then have to retract.”Said the writer, “My story is true,
And I used to have proof — quite a slew.
But my sources took flight
In the dead of the night
And my document files were hacked too.”She continued, “I just need more time.
To obtain extra dirt on that slime.
Please be patient with me.
I can do it, you’ll see.
I’ll get proof of our publisher’s crime.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick(s) using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (245)
Sunday, February 7th, 2016It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said the Colonel “Cadet, I’ll be frank;
A blowjob is due to my rank.”
So the female cadet
Sucked his stiff ‘bayonet,’
But the charge in his weapon was blank.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special BEVERAGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Our children are looking divine.
’Neath the chuppah, two families entwine.
But the rabbi looks stressed
As I make this request:
“Has Your Holiness more of this wine?”
Congratulations to COLLEEN MURPHY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for her limerick that received the most Facebook “likes.”
Colleen Murphy:
The candidate tried to be frank,
But his stats with constituents sank.
So he gave to their ear
What they wanted to hear,
And he quickly moved upward in rank.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Tim James, Perry Plouff, Suzanne Heymann, Will T. Laughlin, Fred Bortz, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FRANK” RHYME DIVISION)
Bob Dvorak:
At art I’m not even mid-rank,
But it calms me, if I may be frank.
My brain today? Dead,
And my pencil? No lead.
At the end, I keep drawing a blank.
Tim James:
For a woman, the label is “skank,”
If not “slut,” “whore,” or [fill in the blank].
If a man sleeps around
He hears no worse than “hound.”
Double standards shame Fran, but not Frank.
Perry Plouff:
Dear Madeleine, let me be frank.
I wrote out some poems and they stank.
I just can’t complete
This poetical feat
In a manner which doesn’t turn rank.
Suzanne Heymann:
An outlaw named James, first name Frank,
Walked nervously into a bank.
Instead of a gun
He had pulled out a bun,
So his chances for wealth quickly shrank.
Will T. Laughlin:
The inspector said, “Let me be frank…”
So I pushed him straight off of the plank,
And when he fell in
To the sausage-meat bin,
I obligingly started to crank.
Fred Bortz:
A Congressman named Barney Frank
Said, “Enough! You can’t screw us, Big Bank!”
So he and Chris Dodd
Joined together, by God,
And they crafted an act of first rank.Slings and arrows came from their right flank;
All the cranks soon declared the bill stank.
But Barney just laughed.
“Next time YOU’LL get the shaft
As the door of your jail cell goes clank.”Alas, AIG schemer Hank
(Mr. Greenberg) avoided the tank.
To us it’s unnerving
That one so deserving
Goes free when he shoulda been sank.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEVERAGE LIMERICK DIVISION)
David Reddekopp:
A fellow named Homer had woes
Which he’d drown in his liquor at Moe’s.
Were his troubles so large
That he couldn’t tell Marge?
He’s a man of a million “D’ohs.”
Dave Johnson:
“This Chardonnay’s lovely with pork,”
He said as he fondled the cork.
She gave him a smile,
But thought all the while
“Just pour it and don’t be a dork.”
Kirk Miller:
There’s a soft drink that people say stokes them.
Don’t withhold The Real Thing; it provokes them.
You should know that for sure
They are easy to lure.
All it takes is a bottle to Cokes them.
Brian Allgar:
My doctor had told me I oughta
Drink less. Well, I’m fond of a snorter
Of rum, whisky, brandy,
Whatever is handy –
To please him, I stopped drinking water.
Will T. Laughlin:
If the Bundys continue their stint,
I think we should give them a hint
About deregulation:
Cut off their hydration,
And make them drink water from Flint.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Some might say I had gone a bit far
When I crashed through the door in my car,
Hit the wall with a thud,
And demanded more Bud:
My drunkenness razes the bar.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick Ode To Chopsticks
Saturday, February 6th, 2016Happy National Chopsticks Day! (February 6)
Eating East Asian food drives me nuts.
The reason? Alas, I’m a klutz
And am dreadful with chopsticks;
I frequently drop sticks…
So must stick to a fork like a putz.
Happy “Take A Cruise Day!” (Limerick)
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016For some inexplicable reason, today’s “Take A Cruise Day,” which is my excuse for this limerick:
While a fellow was off on a cruise,
He smoked grass and kept knocking back booze.
“When I’m seasick,” he said,
“Weed and hootch soothe my head.
And I’d rather be woozy from wooze*.”
* “Wooze” is slang for the combination of weed and booze.
February Bashing
Monday, February 1st, 2016After seeing a “Happy February” post, I suddenly remembered an ancient humor piece of mine about February. So I dug through my archives and found this column I sold to the Buffalo News way back in 1995. It feels like it was written by a different person: February Bashing.
