Though my mem’ry’s, alas, on the wane,
Here’s a day that should stick to my brain:
It’s for Richard G. Drew.
He did NOT invent glue,
But our bond with his Scotch Tape shall reign.
Happy Scotch Tape Day!
Archive for January, 2016
Happy Scotch Tape Day (January 31)
Sunday, January 31st, 2016Limerick Ode To Brussels Sprouts
Sunday, January 31st, 2016Happy “Eat Brussels Sprouts Day!”
Though for most of my life I had doubts
About choking down cooked Brussels sprouts,
I flout them no more;
Well prepared, they’re top drawer.
Now I tout ’em instead. No more pouts!
Limerick Ode To “Clashing Clothes Day”
Friday, January 29th, 2016Damn! I somehow missed “Clashing Clothes Day” yesterday. (It’s celebrated annually on the 4th Thursday of January.)
But it’s never too late for a limerick:
A fellow who’d constantly clash
And wear clothes that appeared to be trash,
Attended a party
Quite retro and arty.
His clothing “designs” were a smash.
Turning Mark’s Blizzard Tale Into A Limerick
Thursday, January 28th, 2016Mark recently posted his tale of blizzardy absent-mindedness here on Facebook. (Yes, I know “blizzardy” isn’t a word.) And I’ve decided to sum it up in a limerick:
My husband once did something whack;
Left his car window open a crack
In a blizzard, alas.
Snow flew over the glass
And got packed to the top, front to back.
Happy “Spouses Day!” (Jan. 26)
Tuesday, January 26th, 2016Since it’s “Spouses Day,” please get in gear.
You should lovingly cherish and cheer
Your dear husband or wife
And steer clear of spouse-strife.
Why we DON’T do this daily ain’t clear.
A Snow Plow Meets Its Match (Limerick)
Sunday, January 24th, 2016It’s never a good sign when a snow plow has to be rescued by a bulldozer. But that’s what things were like in Bayside, Queens on Sunday.
You know that a blizzard is bad,
And the prospect of cleaning up sad,
When the snow plow gets stuck
In the ice, snow, and muck.
Going out over-rated? A tad!
Shoveling Post (Muscle) Mortem
Sunday, January 24th, 2016When I shovel, I try to obey
The best shoveling way, which they say
Involves using one’s thighs.
So it’s not a surprise
That our staircase is daunting today.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FRANK at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
Sunday, January 24th, 2016It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using FRANK at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write a BEVERAGE-themed limerick, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BEVERAGE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 7, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 6, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A fellow was munching a frank
While standing on line at the bank,
When a woman beside him
Decided to chide him:
“Quite frankly, your manners are rank.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick(s) using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (244)
Sunday, January 24th, 2016It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I heard my love let out a wail
And knew she was fast turning pale.
I’d heard it before
And told her once more:
“My dear, stay away from the scale.”
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special Dog and/or Cat-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
One day my Maltese caught a whiff
Of a bitch and then said with a sniff,
“She’s not of my breed
But I know what I need:
A great dame that will make my mast stiff.”
Congratulations to both J COSMO NEWBERY and MARK KANE, who in a tie each win the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks that received the most Facebook “likes.”
J Cosmo Newbery:
The response of the typical male
Is turning the palest of pale
When informed by his wife,
The love of his life,
How much she has saved at the sale.
Mark Kane:
At the nude beach the regulars rail
At the newbies who follow their trail.
They’ll claim that they go
Very often, although
Certain parts are suspiciously pale.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Valerie Grzegorczyk, Kirk Miller, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOG and/or CAT LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy
When it rains cats and dogs mixed with hail,
You’ll be smart if you look for a pail.
If you can’t find a real one,
Just go out and steal one.
I’ll be happy to put up your bail.
Brian Allgar:
Our puppy would try to impale
Every creature possessing a tail.
This libidinous habit,
When tried with a rabbit,
Anatomically just had to fail.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PALE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
He got stopped by a cop. Turning pale,
He attempted a bribe to dodge jail.
But it didn’t quite work
‘Cause the poor, clueless jerk
Didn’t notice the doughnuts were stale.
Will T. Laughlin:
In my youth, I was thin as a rail,
But today I resemble a whale.
I attribute my size
Less to burgers and fries
Than “small” sodas that come in a pail.
Dave Johnson:
For Henry, the night was a fail,
Spent chasing and trying to nail
A pretty young thing
Who noticed his ring
Left a circle that’s narrow and pale.
Suzanne Heymann:
A showerhead ordered by mail
Consists of white bucket and nail.
Hang it up like a wreath
And poke holes underneath.
That is how you impale a pale pail.
Valerie Grzegorczyk:
The mail order bride wore a veil.
When ’twas lifted, the groom turned quite pale.
From pale he turned green;
She’d arrived sight unseen.
He shipped her back C.O.D. mail.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOG and/or CAT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
Out in Texas, a cowpoke named Sid
Took to heart words from songs as a kid.
Bought a dachshund one day
’Cause the lyrics did say:
“Get a long little doggie.” He did.
Will T. Laughlin:
If your puppy-dog constantly chews
Through one of each pair of your shoes,
He’s just taking care
That your feet should be bare
When you step into one of his poos.
Konrad Schwoerke:
My dog, though he’s quick, ain’t a greyhound,
And he’s not, without training, a stay hound,
But he thinks that his job
Is to fetch what I lob,
Which, of course, makes him ace as a play hound.
Marty Gerendasy:
When your cats or dogs jump on your bed
And start doing a dance on your head,
You may think that they’re playing,
But what they are saying
Is “Get up, we wanna be fed!”
Will T. Laughlin, who also wins The Limerick Saga Award for this touching tale:
At times, when the going was tough –
When I felt that enough was enough,
And I’d want to give up –
I would look at my pup…
And my pup looked at me, and said, “Wuff.”When my patience was truly worn through,
And I just didn’t know what to do,
In my fuddle and fog
I would turn to my dog,
And my pup, looking up, said, “Aroo.”In the midst of an awful kerfuffle,
When rest was as rare as a truffle
And no peace could be found,
I would turn to my hound,
And my dog turned to me, and said, “Wuffle.”And should I confront the abyss –
When it seemed my whole life was amiss,
And I wanted to bawl –
She’d say nothing at all:
Just come over, and give me a kiss.My dog has long since passed away.
But after a terrible day
When troubles betide me,
She’s still here beside me,
And still knows the right thing to say.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
There Are Hugs … and There Are HUGS Limerick)
Thursday, January 21st, 2016Just in time for National Hugging Day:
In a nightmare, she’s mauled by a bear,
As she fitfully sleeps on her chair.
But the truth makes her grouse;
She’d been hugged by her spouse.
“You scared me,” she says. “You need Nair!”
Cheesy Limerick
Wednesday, January 20th, 2016A man who should never eat cheese,
Ignores ev’ry cough and each wheeze
That comes in reaction
And once led to traction;
He can’t hack cheese-attraction disease.
Happy National Cheese Lovers Day, which is celebrated on January 20th.
Note: National Cheese Day falls on June 4th.
Sowing Angry Customers (Limerick)
Sunday, January 17th, 2016A limerick for Customer Service Day (January 17):
A seamstress would frequently snap
At her patrons, increasing the gap
Between income and cost.
Seems her bus’ness was lost
Cuz of failure to button her yap!
Gunning For A Hot, Spicy Meal (Limerick)
Saturday, January 16th, 2016My “Dear Chef” limerick, just in time for International Hot and Spicy Food Day (Jan. 16):
Dear Chef:
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My pref’rence is food that is hot;
Not in contrast to cold, but that’s got
Lots of tongue-burning spice.
This Thai entree with rice
Should attack me. Is THAT your best shot?
Happy National Hat Day! (Limerick)
Friday, January 15th, 2016What’s my excuse for this ridiculous limerick? It’s National Hat Day. (January 15)
A woman who always wore hats
Would never be seen without spats.
Did they match? But of course!
And this clotheshorse’s course
Was to also adopt matching cats.
Powering-Through My Powerball Loss (Limerick)
Thursday, January 14th, 2016I read Powerball news with chagrin.
Yet again, I have lost. What a sin!
But dismay I dismiss–
There’s a lesson in this:
You’ve got to be in it to win.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PALE or PAIL or IMPALE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
Saturday, January 9th, 2016It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using PALE or PAIL or IMPALE at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write a themed limerick related to DOGS and/or CATS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best dog and/or cat-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 24th, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 23, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A maritime lawyer from Yale
Feels his int’rest in law start to pale.
He’s filled with regret,
For he’s drowning in debt–
So at sea in his field, he can’t bail.
Please feel free to write your own limerick(s) using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (243)
Saturday, January 9th, 2016It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
In the Eighties, Lewd Lou was the dude
For drugs for improving the mood.
It was always enough
That he’d mention his “stuff”:
It was ’Ludes to which Lewd Lou’d allude.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Sleep and/or Insomnia-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My insomnia cure isn’t booze;
Neither pills nor warm milk do I use.
But a long string of lies
Makes me nod, close my eyes.
It’s a cure that I’m calling “Fox Snooze.”
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
The limerick mistress is shrewd
To suggest that our verses be lewd
And allude to our privies,
Or privates, or skivvies,
With words excremental and crude.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Sue Dulley, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEWD” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The fellow’s a bit of a prude;
Not prone to be naughty or lewd.
At Haulover Beach,
For a necktie he’ll reach;
He hates being totally nude.
Robert Schechter:
Bill Cosby admits he was shrewd
In wooing the women he screwed:
“I’m famous, I’m charming,
My wit is disarming,
And I make them all swallow a ’lude.”
Tim James:
A fellow once tried to elude
Married life, for a reason quite crude:
“Buy the cow? Not for me,
When the milk comes for free!”
But “the cow” overheard him. He’s screwed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SLEEP/INSOMNIA LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
How I long for a slumber that’s deep!
I have tried to count gambolling sheep,
But instead, they count me,
And before they’ve reached three,
Every sheep in the flock is asleep.
Kirk Miller:
Getting piglets to sleep’s not a chore
For their father, who sits on the floor
By their bed. Tales he’ll spin
When his offspring turn in.
They nod off ’cause their daddy’s a boar.
Suzanne Heymann:
If you sleep like a baby, you’re nuts,
Because every two hours your guts
Are screaming for food
And your pants have been pooed
Cuz not one of your holes ever shuts.
Sue Dulley:
The clock says it’s 2:45;
I’m longing for sleep to arrive.
Now what would it take
To stay this wide awake
At the wheel on a long-distance drive?
Will T. Laughlin, who also wins The Limerick Saga Award for this all too familiar, albeit funny, story:
It’s eleven. You turn out the light.
The room is as dark as the night.
You yearn for repose,
But your eyes will not close:
There’s something that just isn’t right.In your mind, the ideas are reeling.
You’re left with a terrible feeling
That the thoughts of the day
Simply won’t go away,
So you lie there and stare at the ceiling.You’re constantly tossing and turning –
You’re freezing — next minute, you’re burning.
You glance at the clock
And you see with a shock
That it’s two. But your brain is still churning.You find you’re beginning to twitch,
For the blanket is starting to itch.
You try counting sheep.
Then your leg falls asleep,
And you think: lucky sonofabitch.You’ve now made a mess of the bed:
You’re all tangled up in the spread.
As the black turns to grey
In the new-dawning day,
The whites of your eyes turn to red.Eight hours you’ve tortured your brain
To come up with a verse for Mad Kane
On insomnia. Well,
Those eight hours of hell
Have left you completely insane.But there’s no time for that any more:
Get up! Put your feet on the floor!
There’s a day’s work ahead,
So… (you fall back in bed;
As your head hits the pillow, you snore.)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Happy National Spaghetti Day (Limerick)
Monday, January 4th, 2016Today’s a big day for spaghetti,
Although no one is throwing confetti.
Not too thin, not too thick,
It is reas’nably quick
To prepare, though disdained by the petty.
(National Spaghetti Day is January 4. This isn’t to be confused with National Pasta Day, which is Oct.17.)
