UPDATE: DEADLINE EXTENDED TO NOVEMBER 28. Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TEND or ATTEND or PRETEND at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using TEND or ATTEND or PRETEND at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner early on November 29, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full two weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 28 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A horseman refused to attend
Any weddings, detesting the trend
Of his friends getting married
And ending up harried:
“It’s time for this nightmare to end!”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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88 Responses to “UPDATE: DEADLINE EXTENDED TO NOVEMBER 28. Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TEND or ATTEND or PRETEND at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5”

  1. Kirk Miller says:

    The taxi man’s pal at the end
    Of a long row of cabs did contend
    About our existence
    (He said with insistence)
    That life is a cab array, my friend.

  2. David Reddekopp says:

    ‘Cause we’re frankly afraid to offend
    Our judgment we have to suspend
    They’re attacking to scare us
    In Beirut and Paris
    But not for their faith, we pretend.

    We will still with this evil contend
    For as long as we can’t comprehend
    That religion is toxic
    (And oft paradoxic)
    Excuses will not make it end.

  3. Suzanne Heymann says:

    For church, we’ve got no time to spend
    And the sermons we don’t comprehend
    So I set up a dummy
    Of me and my mummy
    We tend to pretend we attend.

  4. Ailsa McKillop says:

    So you know when you plain overspend
    On some Blahniks, egged on by your friend?
    Hubby asks you the price
    And without thinking twice
    You halve it. That’s right, gals pretend!

  5. Ailsa McKillop says:

    Coast to coast, John O’Groats to Land’s End
    He had cycled (the friend of a friend)
    To raise lots of dosh.
    Turned out it was tosh!
    It was easier to drive—and pretend …

    (The c. 875-mile length from Scotland’s John O’Groats to the southwestward extremity in Cornwall, England, is popular with those fundraising for charity, who usually walk or cycle the distance. Other people have used ingenious ways to complete the route, such as skateboarding or swimming.)

  6. Judith H. Block says:

    A guy did a lot to pretend
    Many romantic poems were penned
    But he didn’t care
    Despite all the fanfare
    It was all just to fuck his girlfriend.

  7. Judith H. Block says:

    To win races pols will pretend
    They care and they do comprehend
    Their constituents’ needs,
    But when one probes their deeds,
    One sees there is much to offend.

  8. Ailsa McKillop says:

    To impress him, and not to offend
    I thought it was good to pretend
    That I loved art by Dali
    And then became snarly
    ‘S’real bore, s’rreal works all weekend.

  9. colonialist says:

    A dyslexic fellow would tend
    To place starts of words at the end –
    With Hortense tried to score,
    But he called her ‘Tensehor’,
    And lesscore he wardshome did wend.

  10. colonialist says:

    A bombshell all secrets would tend
    To confide in a mousy-type friend,
    Who to boyfriend then airs
    All former affairs –
    So mousey gets cheese, in the end.

  11. colonialist says:

    @ David Reddekop

    To those who would like to pretend
    Religion’s the means to the end
    Of actions perverted
    It’s only concerted
    By those the wrong message would send.

  12. I was thrilled and excited to attend
    A dance, sporting the latest trend
    But the ring in my nose
    Came to perilous blows
    When I sneezed on my very best friend

  13. Marty McCullen says:

    I tried to my manners attend,
    But that’s where the tend will end.
    I ran out of gas,
    Alack and alas!
    I need to let broken bones mend.

  14. Marty McCullen says:

    I turned to my right at the bend,
    But that’s where my efforts did end.
    I didn’t go far;
    Slammed into his car.
    To him my regrets please do send.

  15. I was surprisingly invited to attend
    The wedding of an old dear friend
    The invitation stated, “gifts, only cash”
    I immediately threw it in the trash
    And a shiny penny I did send

  16. yt cai says:

    The seamstress was compelled to attend
    A broken hearts club meeting with friend
    They talked of their ditches
    It went off with no hitches
    Before long her plans began to a mend

  17. yt cai says:

    At a wedding reception last weekend
    Though I was hesitant to even attend
    Their romance was fast
    Knew it would never last
    When she left with the guy who’d bartend

  18. not a duplicate

    I was suprisingly invited to attend
    The wedding of an old dear friend
    The invitation: “gifts, only cash”
    It went into the trash
    And a shiny penny I did send

  19. Marty McCullen says:

    To my duties I still will tend,
    Though I’m coming around the big bend.,
    Although I’m older,
    I might be bolder.
    Do you have some money to lend?

  20. David Reddekopp says:

    Colonialist, we ignore the religious motivations of terrorists at our peril. Furthermore, we won’t understand how to most effectively oppose them until we understand the role their religion plays in what they do. Finally, if you’ve read the religious texts, the terrorists aren’t normally as far off what their books command as you may think. Savage, barbaric books which reflect the times in which they were written. 21st century people with a 7th century mentality. The religion is the problem.

  21. David Reddekopp says:

    I’m a fart of a terrible blend
    I’m offensive to all who attend
    I’m the cheese that gets cut
    Of the jokes, I’m the butt
    I’ll leave quietly, out the rear end.

  22. Kirk Miller says:

    The tornado book follows a trend
    Of suspense books that oftentimes tend
    To give a surprise.
    If readers are wise,
    They’ll expect there’s a twist at the end.

  23. Tim James says:

    Ladies, this is important. Attend:
    There’s this guy, all laid up, on the mend
    While sweet, innocent Jean
    (In the ways of love, green)
    Says, “Good heavens! I thought it could bend!”

  24. David Reddekopp says:

    Oh, when will the spam ever end?
    They promise their product they’ll send
    They call me by name
    While touting the claim
    In my junk mail: “Your junk we’ll extend!”

  25. Brian Allgar says:

    They keep sending me ads to extend
    The size of a lecher’s best friend,
    So I trash it – no dice!
    If I took their advice,
    I’d be just a big prick in the end.

  26. Brian Allgar says:

    He had plenty of dollars to spend,
    And the hooker tried hard to pretend.
    She was willing to fake it,
    But he couldn’t make it –
    In truth, he preferred a “fag end”.

  27. Brian Allgar says:

    .
    I honestly cannot pretend
    I consider the Prophet a friend.
    If he truly wants murder,
    The fellow’s a turd, a
    False prophet who’s clean round the bend.

  28. I always manage to attend
    The annual reunion at ‘Ole South Bend
    But now that I’m shrinking
    I was honestly thinking
    I’ll to to the preschool social…I’ll nicely “blend’

  29. Brian Allgar says:

    But more and more people now tend
    To subscribe to this message, and send
    “Not In My Name” to Daesh
    And the terrorist trash
    Who want civilisation to end.

  30. Brian Allgar says:

    Isaac Newton explained: “All things tend
    When released from on high, to descend.
    This is Gravity’s Law –”
    Then he gave a great roar,
    For an apple had knocked out his friend.

  31. At work we all must attend
    Meetings that never end
    We’re so very bored
    Someone even snored
    But we’re great at the art of “pretend”

  32. Brian Allgar says:

    (Donald Trump said at a rally on Saturday that the terror attacks in Paris would have been different if the victims had been carrying guns.)

    Said the Donald, “I firmly contend,
    If the French had the guns to defend
    Themselves, more could have died,
    To the NRA’s pride,
    In a truly American end.”

  33. Fred Bortz says:

    If you want to look smart in the end,
    You should actually know, not pretend.
    Don’t be like Donald Trump
    When he’s out on the stump,
    Making dubious claims just to trend.

  34. Fred Bortz says:

    For those participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month)

    For writing success, buck the trend.
    Seek uniqueness of voice, yet attend
    To the themes (sweet and bitter)
    That dominate Twitter.
    Then add a plot twist at the end.

  35. In the 50’s I had to attend
    A debutante ball in ‘Ole South Bend
    My mother, Myrtle
    Made me wear a girdle
    I wondered when the misery would end

  36. When attempting to attend
    A performance by “The Living End”
    You’re in line all night
    And it’s quite a plight
    Till you fritter away and expend

  37. I unfortunately had to attend
    The funeral of an old dear friend
    But out of the blue
    She was in the next pew
    Surely, I assume “on the mend”

  38. My pal Janet said she wanted to attend
    The premier concert of “The Living End”
    But because of the rain
    She decided to refrain
    I have no use for this fair-weather friend

  39. not a duplicate

    Janet said she wanted to attend
    A concert by “The Living End”
    But because of the rain
    She said she’d refrain
    What a pompous fair-weather friend!

  40. not a duplicate

    Janet said she wanted to attend
    A concert featuring “The Living End”
    But because of the rain
    She said she’d refrain
    What a pompous and selfish fair-weather friend

  41. changing one word:
    I unfortunately had to attend
    The funeral of an old dear friend
    But out of the blue
    She was in the next pew
    And without a doubt, she was on the mend

  42. not a duplicate
    When attempting to attend
    A performance by “The Living End”
    You’re in line all night
    And it’s quite a plight
    Till you fritter away and finally expend

  43. An improvement ?

    At my job we must always attend
    Stupid meetings that never end
    We’re so very bored
    Someone even snored
    But we get a free lunch so we try to contend

  44. David Reddekopp says:

    A mathematician, my friend
    Has more on his plate than intend-
    Ed. Oh, why did he try
    To digest the whole pi
    It’s giving him grief without end.

  45. Val Fish says:

    A wedding I have to attend
    My guilt’s driving me round the bend
    The groom to be’s
    Been shagging me
    Now he’s marrying my best friend

  46. Allen Wilcox says:

    The watchers could not comprehend
    Why the climber appeared to pretend
    The skyscraper easy.
    It made lots of folks queasy,
    And falls were becoming a trend.

    The climber was begged by a friend
    To quit climbing and quickly suspend
    His efforts just when
    His grip faltered and then
    He became and came to a ledge end.

  47. Sometimes I inadvertently tend
    To be mean and cruel to my very best friend
    I tell her she’s dumb
    And no longer my chum
    But she licks my face, and it comes to an end

  48. Fred Bortz says:

    We nonfiction writers contend
    That buyers of books should all spend
    Every dollar of cash
    On what real and not trash.
    Why buy fiction when it’s just pretend?

  49. Joyce Smith says:

    Oh the holidays will soon end
    Am I sad, oh I can’t pretend
    I shop til I drop
    This just must stop
    With the crowds I just can’t contend

  50. Suzanne Heymann says:

    You’re so right, Fred!

    Most fiction books always do tend
    To waste time and money we spend
    If fiction’s so groovy
    I’ll just watch a movie
    Two hours is all I’ll expend.

    Non-fiction books always do tend
    To fascinate us without end
    They’re solid, they’re real
    We discover, we feel
    So informed, as our IQs ascend.

  51. madkane says:

    NOTICE TO ALL: THE DEADLINE FOR THIS LIMERICK-OFF HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO NOVEMBER 28.

    FEEL FREE TO KEEP SUBMITTING LIMERICKS.

    THANKS!

  52. Judith H. Block says:

    A guy knew he’d have to pretend,
    To get down with his lady friend.
    But great love declared,
    Or have his soul bared,
    That’s far more than he would intend.

  53. Judith H. Block says:

    On Thanksgiving most people will tend
    To eat more than they did intend
    Then they will still try
    To make room for more pie.
    It’s just once a year, they’ll contend.

  54. Jese Levy says:

    I once had a very good friend
    Whose actions I couldn’t defend.
    He’d love a girl, leave her.
    He was just hunting beaver.
    Next week his burial I’ll attend.

  55. Brian Allgar says:

    Dear Fred, though I do not intend
    To insult all the books that you’ve penned,
    Non-fiction’s for chickens.
    I ask, what the Dickens
    Is life without “Our Mutual Friend”?

  56. Phyllis L says:

    The deadline you had to extend
    So people like me could contend.
    Some must go to work-ee,
    And others cook turkey.
    Let’s see who will win in the end.

  57. Fred Bortz says:

    On Thanksgiving Day, all of us spend
    Every moment with family or friend.
    We watch football and snack,
    Then at dinner we pack
    Our poor gullets until they distend.

  58. Val Fish says:

    I really don’t like to offend
    So instead I simply pretend
    My cries of ‘Oh yes!’
    Convinced him, I guess,
    Cos business soon came to an end

  59. Change of one word…….seems to make a difference!

    Sometimes I inadvertently tend
    To be mean and cruel to my very best friend
    I tell her she’s dumb
    And no longer my chum
    THEN she licks my face and it comes to an end!

  60. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Hey Brian, how dare you pretend
    That non-fiction is nobody’s friend
    If not hungry for truth
    You are somewhat uncouth
    ‘Cause fake fiction’s not worth to defend.

  61. When at the opera you must attend
    Wear fancy clothes: “a designer blend”
    Then sit there and suffer
    It won’t get tougher
    If you fall asleep till the bitter end

  62. Diane Groothuis says:

    I just thought a message I’d send
    Asking a friend to attend
    A function with me
    But I pressed the wrong key
    And the program was forced to abend.

  63. Fred Bortz says:

    I was warmly invited to spend
    Some time to inter my good friend.
    But it seems I was cursed,
    And, alas, I died first.
    So I sent my regrets: “Can’t attend.”

  64. Dave Johnson says:

    Her lover won’t even defend
    His failure to stretch and extend
    Their moment of bliss
    Beyond only this:
    “OH YES!” He rolls over. The end.

  65. Brian Allgar says:

    Premature burial

    We were startled to see our dear friend
    Climbing out of his grave to contend
    “I feel better again”,
    But he choked on champagne,
    So we buried the chap in the end.

  66. This Thanksgiving I will attend
    with family, to whom I’ll pretend
    to not feel sadness
    as they cheer the madness
    of the Trump for President trend.

  67. As a med student I had to attend
    A symposium called “The Intricate Rear End”
    I thought I would faint
    But I used restraint
    It’ not an activity I would recommend

  68. Dave Johnson says:

    The poseur could only pretend
    He’d mastered the Hoverboard trend.
    But balance was lost;
    Now he’ll pay the cost
    Of 6 months rehabbing his end.

  69. REVISION
    As a med student I had to attend
    A symposium: “The Mysterious Rear End”
    I thought I would faint
    But I used restraint
    It’s not something I’d recommend

  70. Jim says:

    Turkey Dinner

    Turkey dinner relatives did attend
    Enjoyed by all at least they did pretend
    Cousins, aunts, uncles and in-laws
    Turkey, dressing, corn and crab claws
    Way too many, way too much, I contend

  71. Val Fish says:

    When it comes to Christmas I tend
    To go crazy and overspend
    But it costs me dear
    Cos all the next year
    I’m paying back my flexible friend

    (flexible friend was a slogan used for
    Access, British credit card from the 70’s)

  72. Judith H. Block says:

    This Thanksgiving we need to intend
    To be kind and to try to transcend
    Fears and misconceptions
    And narrow perceptions..
    The world needs more love, I contend.

  73. not a duplicate

    At my job we must attend
    Stupid meetings that “never end”
    We’re so very bored
    Someone even snored
    But lunch is free, so we politely contend

  74. David Reddekopp says:

    I’m a fullback, and for my girlfriend
    With a teammate I now must contend
    Though I told her this gladly
    I phrased it quite badly
    I said she could kiss my tight end.

  75. Once again we had to attend
    Grandma’s dinner at the east end
    We had so much wine
    It tasted real fine
    Dessert was schnapps: her famous blend

  76. Marty McCullen says:

    I looked around the big bend,
    Hoping I’d find there my friend.
    But she was nowhere.
    I pulled out my hair.
    My reindeer I needed to tend.

  77. Limerick Larz says:

    Dear Judith I must say I tend
    To love the lewd lim’ricks you send.
    But it seems every week
    Your girl’s fucked, so to speak.
    Here’s hoping he’s fucked in the end.

    With apologies to Judith H Block, who submitted on Nov 15:
    A guy did a lot to pretend
    Many romantic poems were penned
    But he didn’t care
    Despite all the fanfare
    It was all just to fuck his girlfriend.

  78. Limerick Larz says:

    To Mad Kane:
    Here is my suggestion for continuing contests. Weekly or monthly, participants may submit a funny (or not) news headline that they have seen, along with their funny limerick. The challenge will be to top the submitted limerick.

    Here is my example from a couple of years ago.

    News Item: October 2014. After more than 20 years of research, a team of scientists is bioengineering penises in the lab, which may soon be transplanted safely onto patients.

    In future there’ll be no inconvenience
    In having an inadequate penis.
    You’ll drop by the shop,
    They’ll give it the chop,
    And you’ll soon have a satisfied Venus.

    That’s a real headline – give it a search on Google!
    thanx.

  79. Errol Nimbly aka Byron Miller says:

    I have an effeminate friend.
    Local NFL games we attend.
    But, he’s not into sports,
    It’s because he cavorts
    With a certain young rookie tight end.

  80. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Getting stuff they don’t need, people spend
    With big bucks they don’t have, it’s a trend
    To show off to folk
    They don’t like. What a joke!
    It’s just all a big game of pretend.

  81. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A funeral’s hard to attend
    ‘Cause my tears just go on without end
    I cry like a baby
    And sigh, hoping maybe
    My heart will soon be on the mend.

  82. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Oops, I had a second verse, but clicked the darn ‘submit comment’ box too soon. Let’s do it right this time.

    A funeral’s hard to attend
    ‘Cause my tears just go on without end
    I cry like a baby
    And sigh, hoping maybe
    My heart will soon be on the mend.

    I’m so lousy at “smile and pretend”
    And a stoic façade I can’t send
    With my heart on my sleeve
    Just depart, let me grieve
    Go away if you don’t comprehend.

  83. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Oh goody, here comes the weekend
    And a concert or movie’s the trend
    Each half hour, you know
    I must pee badly, so
    I depend on Depends to attend.

  84. Suzanne Heymann says:

    If a party you plan to attend
    Bring along a tea-totaller friend
    For you’ll relish the thought
    That you’ll never get caught
    ‘Cause a DIU’s hard to defend.

  85. We were invited to attend
    The wedding of a very dear friend
    I keep my mouth shut
    And just sit on my butt
    While hubby comes to another dead end

  86. Judith H. Block says:

    This Thanksgiving we need to intend
    To be kind and to try to transcend
    Misconceptions and fears
    We’ve all shed enough tears.
    The world needs more love, in the end.

  87. Johanna Richmond says:

    I promise, I never intend
    Disrespect at day’s end when I bend,
    Unencumbered by clothes,
    To examine my toes,
    Butt-uttering,”You’ve Got a Friend.”

  88. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 240.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Flake.