UPDATE: DEADLINE EXTENDED TO NOVEMBER 28. Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TEND or ATTEND or PRETEND at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using TEND or ATTEND or PRETEND at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner early on November 29, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full two weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 28 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A horseman refused to attend
Any weddings, detesting the trend
Of his friends getting married
And ending up harried:
“It’s time for this nightmare to end!”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Marriage Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Wedding Humor, Wedding Limerick, Writing Prompts
The taxi man’s pal at the end
Of a long row of cabs did contend
About our existence
(He said with insistence)
That life is a cab array, my friend.
‘Cause we’re frankly afraid to offend
Our judgment we have to suspend
They’re attacking to scare us
In Beirut and Paris
But not for their faith, we pretend.
We will still with this evil contend
For as long as we can’t comprehend
That religion is toxic
(And oft paradoxic)
Excuses will not make it end.
For church, we’ve got no time to spend
And the sermons we don’t comprehend
So I set up a dummy
Of me and my mummy
We tend to pretend we attend.
So you know when you plain overspend
On some Blahniks, egged on by your friend?
Hubby asks you the price
And without thinking twice
You halve it. That’s right, gals pretend!
Coast to coast, John O’Groats to Land’s End
He had cycled (the friend of a friend)
To raise lots of dosh.
Turned out it was tosh!
It was easier to drive—and pretend …
(The c. 875-mile length from Scotland’s John O’Groats to the southwestward extremity in Cornwall, England, is popular with those fundraising for charity, who usually walk or cycle the distance. Other people have used ingenious ways to complete the route, such as skateboarding or swimming.)
A guy did a lot to pretend
Many romantic poems were penned
But he didn’t care
Despite all the fanfare
It was all just to fuck his girlfriend.
To win races pols will pretend
They care and they do comprehend
Their constituents’ needs,
But when one probes their deeds,
One sees there is much to offend.
To impress him, and not to offend
I thought it was good to pretend
That I loved art by Dali
And then became snarly
‘S’real bore, s’rreal works all weekend.
A dyslexic fellow would tend
To place starts of words at the end –
With Hortense tried to score,
But he called her ‘Tensehor’,
And lesscore he wardshome did wend.
A bombshell all secrets would tend
To confide in a mousy-type friend,
Who to boyfriend then airs
All former affairs –
So mousey gets cheese, in the end.
@ David Reddekop
To those who would like to pretend
Religion’s the means to the end
Of actions perverted
It’s only concerted
By those the wrong message would send.
I was thrilled and excited to attend
A dance, sporting the latest trend
But the ring in my nose
Came to perilous blows
When I sneezed on my very best friend
I tried to my manners attend,
But that’s where the tend will end.
I ran out of gas,
Alack and alas!
I need to let broken bones mend.
I turned to my right at the bend,
But that’s where my efforts did end.
I didn’t go far;
Slammed into his car.
To him my regrets please do send.
I was surprisingly invited to attend
The wedding of an old dear friend
The invitation stated, “gifts, only cash”
I immediately threw it in the trash
And a shiny penny I did send
The seamstress was compelled to attend
A broken hearts club meeting with friend
They talked of their ditches
It went off with no hitches
Before long her plans began to a mend
At a wedding reception last weekend
Though I was hesitant to even attend
Their romance was fast
Knew it would never last
When she left with the guy who’d bartend
not a duplicate
I was suprisingly invited to attend
The wedding of an old dear friend
The invitation: “gifts, only cash”
It went into the trash
And a shiny penny I did send
To my duties I still will tend,
Though I’m coming around the big bend.,
Although I’m older,
I might be bolder.
Do you have some money to lend?
Colonialist, we ignore the religious motivations of terrorists at our peril. Furthermore, we won’t understand how to most effectively oppose them until we understand the role their religion plays in what they do. Finally, if you’ve read the religious texts, the terrorists aren’t normally as far off what their books command as you may think. Savage, barbaric books which reflect the times in which they were written. 21st century people with a 7th century mentality. The religion is the problem.
I’m a fart of a terrible blend
I’m offensive to all who attend
I’m the cheese that gets cut
Of the jokes, I’m the butt
I’ll leave quietly, out the rear end.
The tornado book follows a trend
Of suspense books that oftentimes tend
To give a surprise.
If readers are wise,
They’ll expect there’s a twist at the end.
Ladies, this is important. Attend:
There’s this guy, all laid up, on the mend
While sweet, innocent Jean
(In the ways of love, green)
Says, “Good heavens! I thought it could bend!”
Oh, when will the spam ever end?
They promise their product they’ll send
They call me by name
While touting the claim
In my junk mail: “Your junk we’ll extend!”
They keep sending me ads to extend
The size of a lecher’s best friend,
So I trash it – no dice!
If I took their advice,
I’d be just a big prick in the end.
He had plenty of dollars to spend,
And the hooker tried hard to pretend.
She was willing to fake it,
But he couldn’t make it –
In truth, he preferred a “fag end”.
.
I honestly cannot pretend
I consider the Prophet a friend.
If he truly wants murder,
The fellow’s a turd, a
False prophet who’s clean round the bend.
I always manage to attend
The annual reunion at ‘Ole South Bend
But now that I’m shrinking
I was honestly thinking
I’ll to to the preschool social…I’ll nicely “blend’
But more and more people now tend
To subscribe to this message, and send
“Not In My Name” to Daesh
And the terrorist trash
Who want civilisation to end.
Isaac Newton explained: “All things tend
When released from on high, to descend.
This is Gravity’s Law –”
Then he gave a great roar,
For an apple had knocked out his friend.
At work we all must attend
Meetings that never end
We’re so very bored
Someone even snored
But we’re great at the art of “pretend”
(Donald Trump said at a rally on Saturday that the terror attacks in Paris would have been different if the victims had been carrying guns.)
Said the Donald, “I firmly contend,
If the French had the guns to defend
Themselves, more could have died,
To the NRA’s pride,
In a truly American end.”
If you want to look smart in the end,
You should actually know, not pretend.
Don’t be like Donald Trump
When he’s out on the stump,
Making dubious claims just to trend.
For those participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month)
For writing success, buck the trend.
Seek uniqueness of voice, yet attend
To the themes (sweet and bitter)
That dominate Twitter.
Then add a plot twist at the end.
In the 50’s I had to attend
A debutante ball in ‘Ole South Bend
My mother, Myrtle
Made me wear a girdle
I wondered when the misery would end
When attempting to attend
A performance by “The Living End”
You’re in line all night
And it’s quite a plight
Till you fritter away and expend
I unfortunately had to attend
The funeral of an old dear friend
But out of the blue
She was in the next pew
Surely, I assume “on the mend”
My pal Janet said she wanted to attend
The premier concert of “The Living End”
But because of the rain
She decided to refrain
I have no use for this fair-weather friend
not a duplicate
Janet said she wanted to attend
A concert by “The Living End”
But because of the rain
She said she’d refrain
What a pompous fair-weather friend!
not a duplicate
Janet said she wanted to attend
A concert featuring “The Living End”
But because of the rain
She said she’d refrain
What a pompous and selfish fair-weather friend
changing one word:
I unfortunately had to attend
The funeral of an old dear friend
But out of the blue
She was in the next pew
And without a doubt, she was on the mend
not a duplicate
When attempting to attend
A performance by “The Living End”
You’re in line all night
And it’s quite a plight
Till you fritter away and finally expend
An improvement ?
At my job we must always attend
Stupid meetings that never end
We’re so very bored
Someone even snored
But we get a free lunch so we try to contend
A mathematician, my friend
Has more on his plate than intend-
Ed. Oh, why did he try
To digest the whole pi
It’s giving him grief without end.
A wedding I have to attend
My guilt’s driving me round the bend
The groom to be’s
Been shagging me
Now he’s marrying my best friend
The watchers could not comprehend
Why the climber appeared to pretend
The skyscraper easy.
It made lots of folks queasy,
And falls were becoming a trend.
The climber was begged by a friend
To quit climbing and quickly suspend
His efforts just when
His grip faltered and then
He became and came to a ledge end.
Sometimes I inadvertently tend
To be mean and cruel to my very best friend
I tell her she’s dumb
And no longer my chum
But she licks my face, and it comes to an end
We nonfiction writers contend
That buyers of books should all spend
Every dollar of cash
On what real and not trash.
Why buy fiction when it’s just pretend?
Oh the holidays will soon end
Am I sad, oh I can’t pretend
I shop til I drop
This just must stop
With the crowds I just can’t contend
You’re so right, Fred!
Most fiction books always do tend
To waste time and money we spend
If fiction’s so groovy
I’ll just watch a movie
Two hours is all I’ll expend.
Non-fiction books always do tend
To fascinate us without end
They’re solid, they’re real
We discover, we feel
So informed, as our IQs ascend.
NOTICE TO ALL: THE DEADLINE FOR THIS LIMERICK-OFF HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO NOVEMBER 28.
FEEL FREE TO KEEP SUBMITTING LIMERICKS.
THANKS!
A guy knew he’d have to pretend,
To get down with his lady friend.
But great love declared,
Or have his soul bared,
That’s far more than he would intend.
On Thanksgiving most people will tend
To eat more than they did intend
Then they will still try
To make room for more pie.
It’s just once a year, they’ll contend.
I once had a very good friend
Whose actions I couldn’t defend.
He’d love a girl, leave her.
He was just hunting beaver.
Next week his burial I’ll attend.
Dear Fred, though I do not intend
To insult all the books that you’ve penned,
Non-fiction’s for chickens.
I ask, what the Dickens
Is life without “Our Mutual Friend”?
The deadline you had to extend
So people like me could contend.
Some must go to work-ee,
And others cook turkey.
Let’s see who will win in the end.
On Thanksgiving Day, all of us spend
Every moment with family or friend.
We watch football and snack,
Then at dinner we pack
Our poor gullets until they distend.
I really don’t like to offend
So instead I simply pretend
My cries of ‘Oh yes!’
Convinced him, I guess,
Cos business soon came to an end
Change of one word…….seems to make a difference!
Sometimes I inadvertently tend
To be mean and cruel to my very best friend
I tell her she’s dumb
And no longer my chum
THEN she licks my face and it comes to an end!
Hey Brian, how dare you pretend
That non-fiction is nobody’s friend
If not hungry for truth
You are somewhat uncouth
‘Cause fake fiction’s not worth to defend.
When at the opera you must attend
Wear fancy clothes: “a designer blend”
Then sit there and suffer
It won’t get tougher
If you fall asleep till the bitter end
I just thought a message I’d send
Asking a friend to attend
A function with me
But I pressed the wrong key
And the program was forced to abend.
I was warmly invited to spend
Some time to inter my good friend.
But it seems I was cursed,
And, alas, I died first.
So I sent my regrets: “Can’t attend.”
Her lover won’t even defend
His failure to stretch and extend
Their moment of bliss
Beyond only this:
“OH YES!” He rolls over. The end.
Premature burial
We were startled to see our dear friend
Climbing out of his grave to contend
“I feel better again”,
But he choked on champagne,
So we buried the chap in the end.
This Thanksgiving I will attend
with family, to whom I’ll pretend
to not feel sadness
as they cheer the madness
of the Trump for President trend.
As a med student I had to attend
A symposium called “The Intricate Rear End”
I thought I would faint
But I used restraint
It’ not an activity I would recommend
The poseur could only pretend
He’d mastered the Hoverboard trend.
But balance was lost;
Now he’ll pay the cost
Of 6 months rehabbing his end.
REVISION
As a med student I had to attend
A symposium: “The Mysterious Rear End”
I thought I would faint
But I used restraint
It’s not something I’d recommend
Turkey Dinner
Turkey dinner relatives did attend
Enjoyed by all at least they did pretend
Cousins, aunts, uncles and in-laws
Turkey, dressing, corn and crab claws
Way too many, way too much, I contend
When it comes to Christmas I tend
To go crazy and overspend
But it costs me dear
Cos all the next year
I’m paying back my flexible friend
(flexible friend was a slogan used for
Access, British credit card from the 70’s)
This Thanksgiving we need to intend
To be kind and to try to transcend
Fears and misconceptions
And narrow perceptions..
The world needs more love, I contend.
not a duplicate
At my job we must attend
Stupid meetings that “never end”
We’re so very bored
Someone even snored
But lunch is free, so we politely contend
I’m a fullback, and for my girlfriend
With a teammate I now must contend
Though I told her this gladly
I phrased it quite badly
I said she could kiss my tight end.
Once again we had to attend
Grandma’s dinner at the east end
We had so much wine
It tasted real fine
Dessert was schnapps: her famous blend
I looked around the big bend,
Hoping I’d find there my friend.
But she was nowhere.
I pulled out my hair.
My reindeer I needed to tend.
Dear Judith I must say I tend
To love the lewd lim’ricks you send.
But it seems every week
Your girl’s fucked, so to speak.
Here’s hoping he’s fucked in the end.
With apologies to Judith H Block, who submitted on Nov 15:
A guy did a lot to pretend
Many romantic poems were penned
But he didn’t care
Despite all the fanfare
It was all just to fuck his girlfriend.
To Mad Kane:
Here is my suggestion for continuing contests. Weekly or monthly, participants may submit a funny (or not) news headline that they have seen, along with their funny limerick. The challenge will be to top the submitted limerick.
Here is my example from a couple of years ago.
News Item: October 2014. After more than 20 years of research, a team of scientists is bioengineering penises in the lab, which may soon be transplanted safely onto patients.
In future there’ll be no inconvenience
In having an inadequate penis.
You’ll drop by the shop,
They’ll give it the chop,
And you’ll soon have a satisfied Venus.
That’s a real headline – give it a search on Google!
thanx.
I have an effeminate friend.
Local NFL games we attend.
But, he’s not into sports,
It’s because he cavorts
With a certain young rookie tight end.
Getting stuff they don’t need, people spend
With big bucks they don’t have, it’s a trend
To show off to folk
They don’t like. What a joke!
It’s just all a big game of pretend.
A funeral’s hard to attend
‘Cause my tears just go on without end
I cry like a baby
And sigh, hoping maybe
My heart will soon be on the mend.
Oops, I had a second verse, but clicked the darn ‘submit comment’ box too soon. Let’s do it right this time.
A funeral’s hard to attend
‘Cause my tears just go on without end
I cry like a baby
And sigh, hoping maybe
My heart will soon be on the mend.
I’m so lousy at “smile and pretend”
And a stoic façade I can’t send
With my heart on my sleeve
Just depart, let me grieve
Go away if you don’t comprehend.
Oh goody, here comes the weekend
And a concert or movie’s the trend
Each half hour, you know
I must pee badly, so
I depend on Depends to attend.
If a party you plan to attend
Bring along a tea-totaller friend
For you’ll relish the thought
That you’ll never get caught
‘Cause a DIU’s hard to defend.
We were invited to attend
The wedding of a very dear friend
I keep my mouth shut
And just sit on my butt
While hubby comes to another dead end
This Thanksgiving we need to intend
To be kind and to try to transcend
Misconceptions and fears
We’ve all shed enough tears.
The world needs more love, in the end.
I promise, I never intend
Disrespect at day’s end when I bend,
Unencumbered by clothes,
To examine my toes,
Butt-uttering,”You’ve Got a Friend.”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 240.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Flake.